Crossover all the stories!

by boothnat

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 1667

Commander, this council has decided that you must create crossovers. Of EVERYTHING.

Commander, you're efforts in combating the alien threat have been exemplary. However, due to the fact that we have grown bored of watching soldiers miss aliens right next to them, we have a new task for you're project. From now on, you shall devote the considerable resources of the XCOM project to crossing over ponies with other things. Due to the fact that you may grow bored of crossing over one individual thing, you have been given authorization to cross over with everything, until all crosses have been crossed by a crossover of crosses.
Good luck commander.
You'll need it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-20 06:02:33 UTC

The command.

The commander walked up to the podium, and cleared his throat. He then cleared it again. He then stopped clearing it, due to the fact that he wanted to have some tea.

He was naked.

The fifty-year old screen slowly powered up, and with a grind and a huff turned on. In a terrible sound quality that could only be acquired from speakers worth less than a dollar, a serious, no nonsense voice said-

"Commander, we are extremely impressed by the progress of the XCOM project so far."

A Sectopod, a massive two-legged metal monstrosity capable of blowing apart soldiers with plasma and lasers blew through the reinforced metal walls of the command center, and burnt half of the engineers who were controlling the hologlobe before it was put down.

"You're research projects have invariably been useful to the project, while simultaneously advancing humanity as a while."

Doctor Vahlen, the head scientist, frowned as she stared at her most recent invention, the electrostatic underwear.

"You have some of the finest soldiers in the entire world, who are equipped with the best equipment we have to offer."

One of the hobos in the barracks tried to block a punch in the sparring ring, but was instantly killed as his paper mache armor shattered, impaling him on the ground.

"You have allocated your budget to worthwhile pursuits in engineering, and have only built what was necessary."

The head engineer stared at the one thousand stink bombs he had, and wondered what he was supposed to do with them.

"In light of these recent events, we have decided to lock you in your room, since the Earth is pretty much saved anyway. From now on, you will merely have to write pony fanfiction, in which you crossover pony, with everything."

Council member one stared at zero.

"You think he'll fall for it?"

"He'd better, or else humanity is screwed."

And thus, was this piece of crap born. I hope you're happy.

"Hey, we've recieved the first chapter!"

CHAPTER 1-PONIES X PONIES

Twilight Sparkle stared at the thing that annoyed her so.

It frustrated her, angered her, it drove her mad.

It was a portal.

This was nothing new.

Portals were extremely common in Equestria, due to the number of unicorns making portals then not closing them. The annoying thing about it however, was that it was Pink.

Blue portals led to other places.

Orange portals led to orange farms.

Green portals led to lands full of treasure and adventure.

But a pink one had never, NEVER been documented.

It was unthinkable that such a thing could exist.

Yet it existed.

So therefore, there was something on the other side.

Twilight could just go through, but she was sensible.

She knew that their could be danger on the other side.

So she waited.

Surely, she reasoned, if there is a portal, someone must want to come through it.

So she waited some more.

We must elaborate.

The portal was in her library. How else was she expected to have been waiting near it?

It had originally been in Canterlot, but she had torn it apart and brought it here, so she could stay near her friends while she waited.

She had some tea.

And then some coffee.

Nothing at all happened.

Then, the Portal became yellow.

"This" She thought, "Is definitely important enough to warrant me calling my friends!"

And so she did.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE OTHER SIDE

Rainbow Dash lifted her teacup using alicorn magic and stared at the portal like it had killed he mother.

Which it had, but that's another story.

Alicorn Twilight had called her to show her the portal, and she was amazed. So she called alicorn Applejack. Soon, all nine alicorns had arrived.

Applejack had been amazed, Rainbow Dash had been bored, Celestia and Luna had been aroused, and Pinkie Pie had poked the portal.

Obviously, the last thing had the most effect.

You see, the portal was constantly opening mini portals all around it. Pinkie Pie's hoof had gone through one of these mini- portals, and had poked a person currently in the act of adultery in the dick. Due to the activity he was partaking in, said dick broke, and he was later discovered, due to the broken dick.

Oh, and it also turned the portal yellow.

That was probably what Rainbow Dash, alicorn of AWESOME was most interested in.

Since she was awesome, she used Rainbow alicorn friendship magic to teleport inside the portal, and she found herself in the same place, that is to say, Twilight's library. She then noticed that her friends were no longer alicorns.

Oh, and there was another her there.

"Changeling!" She and the other she yelled, and they proceeded to murder each other. Due to the power of awesome and fandom support, the pegasus Rainbow Dash sonic rainboomed alicorn Rainbow Dash and won. As alicorn Dash died, her last words were-

"PENIS"

And then she died, and something or the other happened due to something happening with eggs being baked while being pied into reality which was sub sequentially eaten by a hungry god.

In other words, the universe was converted into a massive tubular structure, which pulsed once, before releasing a truckload of white,

boiling hot,

liquidy,

stars.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Back at HQ, things were bad.

The old commander had barricaded himself inside his room with a shotgun, and was still writing pony fanfiction. All his replacements were worse than him, but when the council tried to get him out, he shot anyone who tried. When they tried to get him out with porn, that too failed. When they offered to murder him if he didn't come out, he mind controlled the entire base, then killed half of it. For some reason, the door to his personal chambers was made out of solid titanium, so there was absolutely, irrevocably, entirely, no way into his room. The Earth was more screwed.

The aliens had deployed a new weapon, known as cuteness. They deployed ponies with socks, and made them squee, leading to mass heart attacks and diabeteus. The only people who could defend against the squee were Chuck Norris, John McClain, Rambo, Jackie Chan, and King Arthur. All contact with them had been lost a day ago. There were reports coming in that with the help of old spice they were holding out against the ponies, but they could not last much longer. The squee was strong in them, but it would not be enough.

Many of those who remained had chosen to side with the aliens, and had called themselves, "Bronies". They loved the ponies and their socks, and welcomed their  furry new overlords.

Goku had tried to Kameha the invaders, but had reportedly suffered a heart attack as soon as he came down from heaven, and it was unkown as to how long it would take before he returned from heaven(again.)

Things were grim.

Derpy took an arrow in the knee.

CHAPTER 2- PONIESXEPIC MEAL TIME

The body of alicorn Dash caught fire.

The fire started to float around, as if it was not exactly certain where it wanted to go. It then went down Rainbow's throat.

Twilight Sparkle was confused. She expressed this in an extremely eloquent manner, as befits a princess.

"Wut."

Rainbow dash had just eaten alicorn Dash's soul.

She tottered a little, then grinned.

"I EAT ALICORN SOULS...."

Twilight Sparkle was VERY confused.

So she, extremely sensibly, decided she was dreaming, and went to sleep.

Rainbow Dash burped, then said,

"I AM ALICORNBORN!"

                                                                    *INSERT SKYRIM THEME SONG HERE*

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Commander, this council has come to a decision. You're next chapter must crossover Epic Meal Time with ponies.

We await your reply.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The commander stared at the E-mail.

"Well, shit."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*IMPROVISATION RUNNING*

*IMPROVISATION COMPLETE*

*DISPLAYING RESULTS*

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

However, the disruption of a soul's journey to anywhere that is not it's body, has horrifying interdimensional effects. Such was the case now. As Alicorn Dash's soul was consumed, a portal was opened, and through it came a Canadian, with a beard that covered half his face.

The ponies stared at him.

He stared at them.

There was an audible crack as his mind broke.

You see, very few humans can deal with seeing technicolor ponies that are in a different visual spectrum than the one we are familiar with.

It breaks the mind.

Normally, this would not be much of a problem, as there would just be the usual straitjacket solution.

However, this human was CANADIAN mothafuckas, and he was hungry.

Due to the fact that the author of this story has not seen more than a single video of epic meal time, we shall allow you, the reader, to fill in his first few words with whatever you please. Just remember that the end result has to be the same, for now, he decided to bacon cover EVERYTHING.

He had had a bacon burger, which was a normal burger covered in bacon.

Now, he would have bacon EVERYTHING!

There was no way this could go wrong!

Two minutes later, he died of sugar poisoning after eating Pinkie Pie's hair, which was already covered in bacon.

However, his soul lived on. It had a new goal.

The goal was this.

The soul would influence anyone to enter Equestria to coat Pinkie Pie's hair in chocolate, in order to make the highest calorie, tastiest, diabeteust snack the multiverse had ever seen!

Twilight Sparkle stared at Pinkie Pie's hair, which was now covered in chocolate.

She once again said that eloquent, sensible, and irrevocably necessary word.

"Wut?"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Celestia woke to find her hair covered in chocolate, with a symbol of a skull and two knives on her wall.

The symbol was red.

She got out of her Princess- sized bed and tasted it.

It was ketchup.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Zero was annoyed.

"So his version of the Epic Meal time guys is basically a food based Exalt? That sucks!"