Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

Chapters

(Non-Canon) Desu Ex: The Christmas Special Edition
Deus Ex: Prologue Edition
Deus Ex: What A Shame Edition
Deus Ex: Ghosty Face Edition
Deus Ex: Stealth Takedown Edition
Deus Ex: I Robbed A Boutique Edition
Deus Ex: Masked Man Of Mystery Edition
Deus Ex: Out Of Dodge Edition
Deus Ex: Augmented Edition
Deus Ex: Conversationalist Edition
Deus Ex: Nightlife Hustle Edition
Deus Ex: Introspection Edition
Deus Ex: Shadowman Edition
Bleedout
Deus Ex: Conspiravision Edition
Deus Ex: Still Can't Light The Cancer Sticks Edition
Deus Ex: Cancer Sticks, Finally! Edition
Deus Ex: Recovery Edition
Deus Ex: Plainclothes Edition
Deus Ex: Musical Discussion Edition
Deus Ex: Men In Black Was A Crap Movie Edition
Omake #1: FALLOUT REVOLUTION
Deus Ex: Sunny Day, Innit? Edition
Deus Ex: Bluffing To A Physical God(dess) Edition
Deus Ex: Six Ways To Sunday Edition
Deus Ex: Smoked Edition
Deus Ex: Shocker Edition
Tired
Deus Ex: Early Bird Edition
It's A Bad Habit...
Omake #3: A Hiatus of Deprecation

(Non-Canon) Desu Ex: The Christmas Special Edition

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Deus Ex: Prologue Edition

There are few things more chill than a trench coat. Not the pansy kind you see on all these goth pussies, or the MANLY MCMANLY of World War One Officer-and-Gentleman trench coats, but your "I'm the protagonist of an action film" trench coat. The kind that billows in the wind, that you can hide a bunch of weapons in, the kind that's ridiculously cool when worn by the right person.

Fortunately, I'm the right person. Cyberpunk was one of my favorite genres, and considering I was going to a con as a character in one of my favorite works of cyberpunk, then I had to rock the part. It wasn't just the trench coat, though. It was the turtlenck, the body armor, the straps, even the glasses and hair and markings. Yup, I was definitely rocking the part of JC Denton.

Sure, it looked a bit cheesy. Sure, it was sweltering. Sure, I was probably going to get a "hey, Neo!" from someone, but damn if I didn't look like JC Denton's long-lost twin. Even managed to bring along a fake baton, along with a pitch-perfect prop of the assault rifle and stealth pistol.

"Show me ya moves," a friend of mine yelled.

I looked at Waldo. He was in a Captain Falcon get-up, complete with golden nipples and glowy-eye visors. Someone in a Mario costume had appeared, and I half expected them to break out into fake fighting. Happened often, considering this was a smaller, more local convention, and everyone knew everyone else. If anything, I'd be able to look at the aftermath and quietly whisper "what a shame."

It was when they walked over to the Dance Dance Revolution booth that I remembered Josh was a sucker for doing weird shit. We were friends, yes, but there comes a time when a guy needs to man up and coolify himself. But until then, we were the "cool guy, weird guy" duo. Me being the cool guy, him being the weird guy, if that wasn't clear enough.

I'd probably meet back up with him in a couple minutes, soon as he got done playing DDR.

I was strolling down the tables where people were selling things, looking for wonderful swag and loot, when the thing happened.

See, our town is full of nerds. It's as blunt as I'll put it, and I love it. You can walk around with a Star Wars t-shirt and hear someone yell "it's a trap". You could hear people whistle The Lone Ranger theme, or cars painted to look like KITT or the DeLorean. Basically, there are a bunch of neckbeards where I live, and I've got no problem with it.

But there is one fandom I've no feelings for one way or the other: Bronies. Sure, in my circle of friends I was the only one who wasn't, but that doesn't mean I hated the show. Just wasn't my cup of tea.

Speaking of tea, I was walking up to one stand when I saw something that caught my eye. It was a little cylinder, four ridges on the side, about the size of a thermos but thicker. One end had a cap with a red button on it, along with a brightly lit screen. The space between the ridges was bright blue, and almost looked... swirly. Seemed like it was just one of the few fandom-related objects on the table.

It caught my eye, because that was one of the augmentation canisters from Deus Ex. So, I was walking up to it when I see this... pegasister, whatever you call a lady member of the pony-loving fandom, also walking up to the stand. She wore a jumpsuit that looked like it came out of Fallout, a big ole' number two emblazoned on the back. Some weird-ass carbine with zebra patterns hung off her shoulder. Her hair was brown, fell to about he shoulders, and I could tell she liked ponies by the six figurines on stands hanging off her bag, the gray horn sticking out of her forehead, and the brown tail stuck on to her back.

Eh, just another nerd. None of my business what she thought was cool or not. Hell, I thought digital watches were pretty snazzy, so you can laugh at me all you want for that.

Anyhow, I walk up and bump elbows.

I'm hoping to god she doesn't turn to look, because I'm already picking up the canister and giving it a good run down.

"You're... uh... JC Denton, right?"

I nodded. "You're a character from My Little Pony, correct?" I managed to get the voice down pat. She almost seemed surprised at how well I could impersonate him.

"Yep. Littlepip, protagonist of Fallout Equestria."

I cocked an eyebrow at that. Waldo had talked about that one fic. "Bit of an odd choice to come to a con dressed like that. Ponies aren't my cup of tea, but mixing them with Fallout seems like a bad idea."

"Considering I did the cosplay, it might not be one."

The canister in my hands most definitely felt like an accurate reproduction of the Deus Ex one, right down to the swirling patterns of nanites in the center. Tempting to open it, but until I asked the shopkeeper that was a no-go.

It almost surprised me when she tapped my shoulder. I turned, looked at her, and she was wearing a necklace with a... jewely shiny thingy that looked like the sun. "Whadda ya think?"

"The hell? Why are you asking me?"

"Outside opinion. Always good to have one."

I groaned. "From a guy. That's a real bad idea."

"Do I look good in it or not."

I set the canister back down. "Doesn't matter to me. You look good regardless of the necklace on your neck."

A sudden barge-in by Waldo got my attention. "There something you want to tell me, Nick?"

I looked at him. Of course, he'd be the one to catch me conversing with a pegasister. "None of your business, Falco."

He leaned back, overdramatic side kicking in. "None of my business? You're telling me that you actually finding a girl is none of my business? What is the world coming to, Armageddopocalypse?"

Of course. He had to bring up my history of romance. I'd tried in my freshman and sophomore years to get a girl. It failed, miserably, and from then on out I'd reserved myself to finding a different metaphorical lake to fish in. Except this guy had to bring it up. "Look, you two would get along better, I don't know anything about ponies, you two do."

"Nope," said Waldo, "you and Littlepip talk. I command it."

My hand came up to rub my brow. "No."

He took another step closer, grabbing my shoulder and whispering into my ear. "Play along, man. I can totally get you a girlfriend."

I pushed him away. Before it could devolve into us calling each other stupid names, some guy running away from something knocked into Waldo. Then he got knocked into me, the Pip chick, and the table.

Slow motion bullet time shit might have happened, but it was so fast I barely had time to register that the canister had fallen. Barely had time to register it had fallen on me, shattered when it hit the 3d-printed metal buckles of the body armor, and splashed the contents all over me.

I did notice the necklace on the chick's neck glowing.

Had about three seconds to look at Waldo and whisper "what a shame" before light blinded me.

Deus Ex: What A Shame Edition

You know what I'm good at?

I'm good at being pissed off. That's what I'm good at. I'm really, really good at being angry. Coulda gone as the INCREDIBLE HULK, or an ANGRY MARINE, because that's my secret. I'm always angry.

So I was PRETTY FUCKIN' ANGRY when I woke up in the middle of a grassy field. PRETTY FUCKIN' ANGRY at whoever ran into Waldo, by proxy WHOEVER FUCKIN' RAN INTO ME! Fucker probably doesn't know how to use toilet paper, considering his shitty manners and convention etiquette. You don't fucking run at a con! That's the catalyst for knocking people over.

I wasn't screaming though. Screaming didn't solve anything.

With a pop in my back like I'd been laying there for a couple hours, I stood up, whipped out my phone, and checked to see if I had service.

Nope. Not a single bar. I put it on Airplane Mode and turn off the wi-fi to save battery, just in case I find civilization. Then I toss it in a waterproof baggy with my wallet, putting that in a tiny bag I got strapped to the small of my back, just between the body armor and trench coat. Looked a bit odd, but if anything it'd be safer than in my pockets.

The baton and rifle were nearby. I snagged the baton, collapsed it, and put it in my pocket. If anything it'd be good for poking things. The rifle I'd borrowed had a convenient break down function, letting me separate it into a couple parts. Unfortunately, it must've gotten cracked between my fall and my waking up, so I settled for stuffing it in a tree and taking the flashlight off of it. That was the only part that still worked, and I stuck it in my pocket.

And with that, I started looking around. Seemed I was in a clearing. The trees at one end had a fence separating them from me, and when I looked closer there were little red and yellow apples hanging off the limbs. Seemed a bit too uniform for my tastes, a bit too bright, but it was the middle of summer so what was I expecting.

Heh, that'd make a great DLC for Human Revolution. What Was I Expecting Edition DLC. Told you're gonna wake up in a clearing. And you do. Then the DLC ends and you've wasted six dollars. Perfect cash grab. I should be on the marketing team for every company, ever.

Anyhow, I started walking towards the trees. If anything, whoever owned them wouldn't mind if I had a little snack to preserve my bioelectic tanks, in the terms of our dear augmented friend JC Denton. Who I was cosplaying as, if you forgot.

It's a second before I realize that a trenchcoat doesn't lend itself towards climbing all that well, unlike the movies would like you to think. I toss it off anyway, clamber up the branches, and snatch a couple Red Orbs of +1 Tastiness in my hands.

Why can't I hold all these apples, I think, six of them clutched to my chest. Either way, I drop down and put all of them in the Pockets of +1 Space offered by my Rockin' Cool Trench Coat. Then I slip it back on, mindful of the weights swinging by my sides, and keep on walking.

Huh.

Back at the con, I was sweating like a pig underneath the sweater and coat. Here, it looked and felt like summer, but all I could feel was a cool breeze.

Odd, now that I noticed it. Seemed a lot of things were bright. The trees, bright. The grass, bright. Even the clouds looked more like cotton balls than clouds. Sky seemed too blue, the dirt too clean, and everything just gave off that vibe of... I guess cartoonishness, more than anything else. Except for me, of course. Half expected there to be outlines, how bright and cheery everything looked.

Don't get me wrong, bright and cheery is good and all, but there's only so much a man can take before it's all... bleh. Bleh is a good word to describe it. I like my doom and gloom, thank you very much!

I was so caught up in my musings that I almost didn't notice when... someone was humming.

Shit, someone was humming! That meant people! People meant civilization! Civilization meant a house! A house meant food! Food meant I took a nasty shit in the morning if it was Mexican. Whatever, people!

But... what if they were rednecks? Like the Appalachian rednecks, the hillbilly kind. The kind that have identical DNA, no dental records, and unregistered firearms all over the place? Holy shit, what if I was in Deliverance? Holy fuck, no, that's a bad thought. Bad thought, out of my head, now!

Best if I observed first, made sure I wasn't walking in on Cletus pissing on a tree.

No fucking way.

Absofuckinglutely, no fucking way. Like, take out all the way, say fucking, and yell NOOOOOOOO like Darth Vader, but it still wouldn't come close to the 'no fucking way' I was expressing right now. Hard to really express it when you're hiding under a bush and... uh, shit. Hiding.

I'll give you one word: ponies.

I'll give you a couple more: Little Ponies. That Look Like People

They certainly ain't mine, and I'm a hundred percent sure me being in a brotastic relationship with my best bro, Waldo, doesn't confer magical powers onto the either of us, but you get the point: I was in My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

And dayum was I rethinking it. I mean, it's hard to mistake those for costumes when they looked... lifelike. Fuck, lemme explain: see, these people, the people that I'm fairly certain aren't hallucinations, well, it's hard to explain. Basically, ponies with human bodies: hooves on the end of their arms and legs, wear clothes, and have boobs.

There were six of them I was stalking, and I recognized them as the Mane Six from what Wally told me. You got the... purple one who is also smart and a ruler of the country. And the fashion one, the one that exudes that aura of shallow bitchiness over a heart of gold, that you can just tell from looking at them. Then you got the... I think the LGBT Pride Parade one, with the wings, and her Moe-Moe friend with REALLY FUCKING LONG pink hair. Last two, I think, was the apple farmer one and the party animal.

Deus Ex: Ghosty Face Edition

Changing up the system, just slightly. First five comments I see, those are the ones I'll count. So, dear christ, VOTE! Should make this shit mandatory, like in Australia.

Anyhow, a chapter.

Shit, I don't know if these people are batshit fucking loco or actually pretty cool people. It's like that time I befriended a goth chick and went over to her place to work on a project. Damn near lost my hearing listening to the jackhammer she called music. We still friends, but we're distant compared to my broship with Waldo.

I'm gonna go with sneaky. These pony-people things could enslave people and use them as food, for all I knew. Or sex slaves. Hell, I'd be fucking batsit in a day if they decided to form a harem around me. No thank you, I'll stick to monogamy. I mean, I got no problem with people who do that, but I'd be a bit weirded out of it happened to me.

So, I'm just laying underneath a bush, keeping an eye on this group. They're about, oh, twenty-five meters from me, but half of that distance is underbrush and trees, so I doubt they see me. Pink one is acting a bit suspicious, kinda like Ms. LGBT Pride, but I'm confident that my skills I learned a long time ago in staying really still would get me through this.

I overheard a bit of their conversation as they passed.

"So, Twilight, remind me: just why are we out here?" I heard the spectrum-haired lady say.

Sounded kinda boyish, but I wasn't jumping to conclusions. Did that once, found out that the guy I was doing the project with was actually a female-to-male transsexual with an alter-ego on the internet of Ser Owen or whatever. We didn't talk much after that, but you know where I'm going with this.

I'm guessing the purple librarian looking one responded. "Because, Dash, Princess Celestia told us to come out here. She said it was about a spike in the cosmic background thaumological radiation somewhere in Sweet Apple Acres. "

And that's when they got too far away for me to make it out clearly. I waited a minute, then stood up. Damn near smacked my head across a branch, so fuck you branch, but I had so much ninja skill that I got away with it.

Either way, I started walking in the opposite direction of them. Pretty sure I'dve gotten my ass whooped, especially by that tomboy and the farmer; I once got in a friendly spar with a southern friend of mine. Guy had me in a headlock before I could whip out my fancy moves, and even though I'm a big guy, he was just plain stronger.

I started humming along to an awfully-familiar tune as I walked.

My "bullshit-o-meter" just skyrocketed. The "I'm-in-Ponyland-meter" also skyrocketed. The pain behind my eyes at seeing such a hideous village brought to life spiked. Yeah, it was that ugly.

I mean, yeah, the designs weren't too bad, looked like something out of a storybook or East German suburb, but hot damn did they pick hideous colors. I mean, pink and white and brown? What was this, a cartoon?

...

Bad analogy, but you get the point. The town woulda looked good monochrome, but in color? Hi-de-ous. Like an assault rifle loaded with incendiary rounds shoved into your eyes, on full-auto, turning your brain in to a mush of gray matter and agony.

I was thinking about rolling into town, hanging in the back-alleys, but that was a bad idea. Chances were there'd be a chicken-dinosaur or an ancient conspiracy doing experiments in the sewers or some shit. Honestly, I was expecting damn near anything with the revelation that I was in Ponyland, Not America.

Y'know who'd be really happy to be here? That chick and Waldo. Those two would fucking love to be here. Not me. Nope, no sirree. Not a brony, that's me. I've seen, what, one episode, and it was a year ago, so I don't think that makes me a bro-pony or whatever brony is short for. Damn, maybe they're flipping the fuck out right now, wondering where the hell I was.

God, if only I got my phone out in time. Waldo's face woulda been fucking hilarious to catch on film.

I grinned, started walking down to the town. I was sure to get off the road and travel along the side.

Started noticing odd shapes in the low-hanging clouds. A bit of a closer look and a taking-off of my shades earned another rank for the "this-is-bullshit-o-meter", far as I was concerned. There were people up there, wings, same as Ms. LGBT Pride, just zip-dee-doo-da'in around on the clouds and shit. What kind of bullshit was that, anyway? Looked like a big stinking pile of it.

...

Y'know, they probably have minotaurs here. Wouldn't put it past whatever sick and twisted woman created this fantasyland.

Almost caught me by surprise when I came face to face with a wall on the outskirts. It was a little stone wall, looked like moss had overtaken it in a semblance of order, but who would I care. I wasn't a moss-ologist, I was a kick-assologist, angerologist, and soon-to-be-graduating high school student.

Ignoring the weird moss, I leaned back against it, just about ready to pull out one of the apples and take a big ole chomp out of it.

"Doo-de-doo-de-dooooooo," I heard a chick hum. Almost quick as a gunshot, I tossed the apple underneath a bush and followed it.

I watched as one of the natives, or inhabitants, or whatever walked out. Hard to see her through a bush, but far as I'd be able to tell she had green-ish coat and skin, with big ole yellow eyes. Wore a white jacket and jeans, carried a case with an instrument in it, and... was that a fez? Looked like a fez, from this angle.

"Swear I heard somethin'..."

Aw shit!

Deus Ex: Stealth Takedown Edition

I knew what had to be done.

I watched, waited as the horse-person thing turned, looked for me. When she had her tail turned, I slowly rose out of the bush, drew the baton, and leaned forward.

The attack was silent, stealthy. Like I had a skill ranking of Master in Low-Tech weapons, the piece of thick plastic swung through the air, expanded, hit the blue-skinned alien babe right across the back of the neck. She dropped, damn near instan, hit the ground with a thumpt. Almost thought I saw a little indication of "Unconscious (Alien Villager)" appear when I looked at her, but it must've been my overreacting mind.

Holy shit I'd just cold-cocked someone with a baton. HOLY SHIT I just cold-cocked someone with a fake baton.

Wait... had someone swapped my baton with an actual baton? Looked nigh-identical, right down to coloration, as the one from Deus Ex, but ... odd, how'd I not notice? Felt weightier, more... meaty, than before. Fuck, if she had brain damage, I'd be going straight to the police!

Oh fuck. Shit, gotta hide the body, gotta hide the body, gotta hide the body before someone finds out.

Real quick, I jumped out of the bush, tucked an arm underneath the alien villager or whatever the chick's name was, and looked around. Fuck, I was fucked! I had no idea where this chick live- wait, do they have wallets?

Almost as quick, but careful to avoid hitting her head, I set her down against the stone wall and rummaged through her bag. All I found was makeup and a bag of little golden coins with horseshoes on them. I took a couple of the coins, slipped them into a pocket, and checked the case with the instrument.

Odd, she played a lyre. Whatever. Didn't they have addresses you could mail for the artists to pick up if lost? Fuck, gotta check, gotta check-

And JACKPOT! There was a little tag underneath the shiny wood on the string instrument. I pulled it out and looked at it, managed to make out "Ponyville" but that was it. Musta been the name of the town, something like that.

She shifted, completely of her own accord, let out a groan. I jumped. Shit, she was waking up!

Quick as lightning, I put the lyre back in the case, closed it, left the tag in her bag, and got out of dodge faster than a solo on a Dragonforce song. Half a second later I was scrambling over a dumpster and hoping to god I was quiet enough.

"Owwwww..." she groaned. "Musta tripped..."

i listened. She got up, hoof-feet things crunching the gravel. Started walking away from me, by the sound of her steps.

A minute later I stood up and looked at the time.

Nightfall it was, then.

A brilliant idea shot into my brain barely thirty second later.

Small towns like this, bound to be a tailor. Bound that tailor's gonna have material, and with material I can fashion myself a mask. I wear a mask, they'll think I'm one of their own, think I'm one of their own but trying to hide my face. That logic, I'd only get stared at instead of mobbed and eaten if these horse-people didn't like members of homo sapiens.

Might be risky, but it was something I was going to try.

I stacked a couple trash cans up to the dumpster, pushed one up so it got right to the edge of the gutter of the building near me. With a minimum of noise, I clambered up, grabbed the gutter, and pulled my heavy ass onto the thatched roof.

With this position, I'd be able to see a lot better. Be more visible if I stood up, though, so there was that. I crawled towards the highest point on the roof, peeked my head out over the edge, looked around.

Lots of ugly buildings, more than I could care to count. Some looked businesslike. One had sofas in windows out front, another had... books, I think. Another was a fucking gingerbread house. Guess that was a diabetes dispensary. Most of the other houses were similar to the one I was hanging off of, thatched roofs with timber and overhanging second floors.

I scanned around. Gaze landed on something that looked like a carousel. Could remember Waldo watching one of the episodes, swore the one that sounded like a shallow white girl said something about the "carousel boutique" and chique or whatever that particular style of shit was. She did clothes, right? Was a seamstress, I believe.

Looked like I'd found my target. Couldn't get there until nightfall, though, not with those flyers up in the clouds.

My stomach rumbled but I wasn't in the mood for apples. Been a while since I had a good cookie, maybe that gingerbread house had some...

Goal in mind, I slid off, landed on top of the dumpster, and started walking away from where I encountered the alien babe. Might be able to get there before closing, if my estimation of the time was right. Looked to be about five o'clock, but it was barely starting to get dark.

Until I got that mask, I'd keep the collar of my trench coat up, my sunglasses over my eyes, and my hands in my pockets.

Managed to get to the back door of the bakery without anyone taking notice of me. In good time, too, under thirty minutes. Sense of navigation was good, for a cityslicker like me, but it was a bit difficult to get through the narrow alleys with barely any knowledge of the town. Think about two of the natives saw me, both of them children, but an over-the-shoulder look got 'em running.

Very slowly, I walked to the front. Not a lot of the natives were out, seemed like. Got a look at the sign, saw that the shop closed at half after seven. Last I checked it was five-thirty, so I opened the front door.

Winced when I heard the bell toll, but I tried not to make it too noticeable. Not another soul was in the bakery, almost seemed creepy. Flick the light switch in an ominous pattern, you'd have a child's horror story.

I stopped at the clear glass counter, looked at the pastries and cakes underneath. Nothing I could carry easily, and I'm guessing the dozen or so coins I skimmed off the chick's coinpurse wouldn't get me anything more than a slice.

Snatched a menu, popped it open. Looked like I'd get a dozen or so very chocolate chip and nothing else cookies for six or so "bits". I fished half the number out, placed them on the counter. Then I raised the low bar keeping me from getting to the food, opened up the cabinet, and snatched six of them. Dropped them into a ziploc bag I kept in my pocket for situations involving food.

Then I walked back out, cookies in pocket, and made my way back outside of town.

Needed to plan the pseudo-burglary of a boutique.

Deus Ex: I Robbed A Boutique Edition

Six fucking hours.

Six fucking hours and the sun finally set. Looked a bit off, seeing as one minute I was leaning against a tree, playing tic-tac-toe with myself, and then it suddenly got dark. Then it got darker over the course of five minutes, far shorter than it should have. I wasn't complaining, though, because that meant I could break in.

Made me a bit queasy, sneaking up to the back. I passed houses that were still just barely lit, and I could see the silhouettes of the inhabitants. Was probably a good idea, keeping my collar up. Couldn't wear the shades, because who wears sunglasses during a night operation? Not me, I was practical.

Just as quick as I was thinking it, I was in front of the carousel place's front door. Looked incredibly gaudy, like a six-year old had designed it. Probably was, considering the frills and designs. Oddly enough, actual horse-horses were the carousels, not the pony-people things I'd been seeing.

Be a bit dumb, breaking down the front door. Not when there were still people out and about. I settled for leaning back against a post, looking off into the distance and trying to put on an aura of "you don't know me, I'm someone else's problem."

Soon as most of the horse-people got off the road, I looked around. Just one, and she was walking quick to get away. Almost turned to go into the front door when I remembered that some could fly. Turned to look and check, but not a single one was there.

Good.

I took a deep breath, steeled myself. Then I carefully took off my trench coat, folded it, tucked it under the stairs, and rolled up the sleeves on the turtleneck. Be a lot easier without it getting caught on something.

With that, I walked up, went around to the window, and careful as could be tested it. The glass was thick, that I could tell. Had a wood frame, and it'd be noisy if I so much as thought of breaking it open. Shook my head, walked to the back door. It was a frame door, opened onto a small backyard. Tested the lock, found it wasn't engaged.

Smiled, pulled the door open, and crept my way in.

Almost wanted to take out the flashlight, but that would make my position obvious. I was half-expecting a security camera to pop up, start beeping, and an alert to happen and guards to pop out of nowhere, but not a single NSF Trooper appeared. Either way, I pulled out the baton, extended it, but watched where it swayed.

The room I got in was the kitchen. A tiny nightlight glowed in an outlet by the wall, illuminating the entire room in a soft glow. Managed to catch a glimpse of a refrigerator, an oven, and a couple other appliances. All of them looked old school, but it didn't hurt to check.

Fridge opened, I looked inside. Food of all kinds, that I could see. Fruits, veggies, but no meat. I snatched a couple red apples, some oranges, and some greens. There was a large grocery bag that was on the counter, empty. I tossed the food in there, left it by the door. I'd grab it on my way out.

Then I checked the pantry. Nothing I could see that satisfied me, except for cereal marked "Haymakers- for those rainy days". Considering the anatomy of the natives, I left it right there. Snagged some coffee beans, those I could eat.

I called the kitchen raid complete with the inclusion of bananas and a couple bottles of water.

Managed to unplug the night light without too much trouble. Waited until my nightvision came back before I crept into the next room. It looked like a living room crossed with a fitting room. A couch was on one end, lots of fabrics on the other, a mirror to the side, and a little folding panel if you needed to strip down to be fit. Desk pushed up against one wall, against the stairs.

Didn't bother with the fabric on the stands, it was too large. Some of it on the desk might do, though, and if I could find a little rainy-day stash of bits somewhere, that'd be a bonus.

Sneaky as could be, I tiptoed through the room. Nearly hit my boot against the raised center stand, but I recovered quick enough. Years of midnight snacks had conditioned me to this.

Got to the desk without an alarm going off. Put a hand on the handle, slowly pulled it out, winced when a little creeeeeaaakkk echoed through the empty room, only opened it a little. There was bag, about the size of a softball. I snatched it, heard the jingle of coins, put it on top.

Wished I had my flashlight, but I could do well enough with the little light coming from the crack in the blinds. I held a couple of the fabrics up to the light, compared the colors, found one that matched my trench coat well enough. Was about the right size for a bandanna, so I grabbed some more so I could fashion a mask.

Snagged some sewing supplies, too, tossed it all in another paper bag.

Nearly jumped out of my skin when the stairs creaked. Heard a yawn, then some fumbling around. Quick as I could I got out of sight of the stairs, hid by the side of a China cabinet. Gripped the baton extra hard.

A little light popped up, green and natural like leaves. Was expecting a flashlight as the source, but a cone of white material seemed to spawn it. The light illuminated the young face of a native with purple-white striped hair and near-white coat, green eyes twinkling. Barely came up to my waist, way I was eyeballing it.

"Rarity, is that you? Thought you were supposed to be home earlier."

I didn't speak. Frozen water had seeped into my skull.

"Sis?"

The little unicorn, whatever her name was, turned. Her eyes fell on the desk, the opened drawer.

"Weird. Sis doesn't leave things open... Must've been in a hurry to leave with the girls."

With that the little unicorn turned and walked right back up the steps. I waited, waited some more, and finally exhaled after what felt like an eternity.

No more incidents happened on my way out, save for a fluffy white cat looking at me with a stink-eye. I gave it the one-finger, snagged my bag of food, my trench coat, and made my way back to the tree I was currently sleeping under, thankful that the only security was a little sleepy girl.

I got there, set the bags aside. Took the trench coat off,along with the sweater and armor, leaving me in a white undershirt. Was a bit chilly, tonight, but I could live with the coat as a blanket and the sweater as a rolled pillow.

My dinner consisted of an apple and a sip of water, with a nibble of a cookie for desert. Eyes droopy, I drifted off into something half-resembling sleep.

Deus Ex: Masked Man Of Mystery Edition

I was woken up with a piercing ray of light right to the eyes.

Fuck, I hate it when that happens. Groaning, I rolled to the side, snagged my sunglasses from the bag, and fumble with putting them on.

There was a mucus-y taste in my mouth, probably from inhaling all of this dew or whatever. Coughing with a pain in my chest, I unroll my sweater, fan out the grass that got on it, and put it back on. Next came the body armor a filmmaker friend of mine let me borrow and modify. After that, I tossed the trench coat over my shoulders like a makeshift cape, grabbing the paper bags and looking around.

Yep, still sleeping in the same spot, right on the edge of town. The bag of cash was where I left it, in a little hole inside the tree. It went into the pocket of my coat, along with some of the food.

My breakfast and probably lunch was two apples, a banana, and half a bottle of water. Still had four cookies left, and I doubted the natives had figured out that I'd stolen some food to sate myself. If so, I was fucked.

I set about sewing up a mask with the black and blue cotton fabrics. Took about thirty minutes, all things considered. A couple strips of blue covered my head, a sheet of black my face, leaving my sunglasses-covered eyes the only thing visible. Fit snugly, covered most of my skin, and probably concealed my identity well enough. The little bit of fabric I used to tie up the paper bags.

Hell, now I looked like Leon more than JC. Eh, something I'd be willing to live with, so long as none of them decided "hey, I'm going to walk up to the trench coat guy and ask him who he is!" That'd be an interesting conversation.

Might as well check the coins in the bag, see how much I got. Couldn't be too much, considering it looked like a rainy-day stash.

One-hundred bits.

That was the number of little quarter-sized coins with horseshoes in the bag. Looked like less, but who was I to complain?

Still felt a little queasy inside, knowing that I'd stolen them, but it was for my own good. These ponies couldn't possibly have had the death penalty. And if they did, I doubt I'd get it over the theft of some materials and cash. Might get a long sentence for the assault, but from what I can conjecture it was more likely I'd get a stern talking-to.

It was at that wee hour in the morning when a thought smashed it's way through my head.

Heck, maybe I could roll into town, masked man of mystery style, just walk into the library and start reading. Far as I could tell, only thing off about me would be the shoes, but they'd probably toss it out as some sort of birth defect. Anyone asks about the trench coat and mask, I could say I had a condition that necessitated I wear clothes like this all the time. Perfect disguise.

Yep, I had a plan. Bags under coat, I slipped my arms into the sleeves, buttoned it up, and slipped on a pair of makeshift handwraps.

Barely five minutes later I was standing in front of a bigass tree. The only natives in sight had looked at me real odd, but hadn't asked any questions. Some of the children were out, but paid no mind to me. Far as I was concerned, I just needed to get into the library and find information.

I opened the door. Was almost tempted to get on the floor and walk the dinosaur at the sight and smell of all the books, but I resisted with my awesome powers of not being a fucking retard.

"Yo, anyone 'ome?" I yelled, putting on a different accent. I already knew the answer, considering the sound of sizzling things from one part.

"One moment!" I heard, coming from the young voice of a little boy. What came out of the kitchenette area damn near sent me right out the door.

See, I'm used to seeing weird shit. You spend a long enough time browsing a series of tubes, you learn all there is to know in the realms of disturbing, disgusting, disillusioning, desensitizing, and plain gross material. Some of it's surreal, some of it's violent, some of it's horrible, but this fit right up in that category of things I'd like to call "Looks Like It's From Japan."

Basically, Barney's son walked out of the kitchen, wearing a chef's apron with a heart on it and a pitch-perfect chef's hat.

My thoughts raced to how a little boy by that tone of voice was cooking shit, and why he was wearing a chef's outfit, and just why the fuck was barney's son here, in a tree library. Couldn't dragons breath fire and shit? Just sneeze once and the whole place burns down. Why the fuck is there a dragon in a tree library? Shouldn't he be in a cave, hoarding shit like gems and princesses?

"What are you doing here this time of the mor- woah."

Musta scared the little guy. Was probably the same height as that little girl from the boutique, maybe taller. Considering that kid barely came up to my waist and I was six-ish feet tall, I'd be pretty surprised too. Plus, I had the mask and coat on, so I was probably looking real spooky right about now.

"Kid, no nee' ta be 'larm'd. All I want's a brochure, if'n ya got one Ay coul' borrow."

"Uh, sure. Lemme just run up stairs. Think we... uh, have a couple that we're about to put out."

And with that the little Barney-lookalike left, climbing up the stairs. He was a pretty eloquent kid, for someone that small. Probably paid off when you lived in a library. Too bad I wasn't going to be seeing him for long. Seemed like a pretty cool guy, all things considered.

Soon as he was out of sight and hearing distance, I started scanning through the bookshelves. A couple caught my eye, namely a self-help book about dieting, a book on history, another... on the sapient species in the world and some about... magic. Of course, magic, because unicorns. I took the first three and left the latter, seeing as I couldn't magic.

Flipping through the first one assuaged my fears. Nope, they didn't eat people. I put it back on the shelf where I found it. The second one would take a bit of reading to get through, so I slipped it into my coat pocket; same with the one about species. Then I snagged a fiction-looking book with the title of "Daring Do" and a Lara Croft-but-pony lookalike on the front.

Soon as the little guy came down and saw me reading the decoy, I turned and looked him dead in his dinnerplate eyes.

"You got da brochures?"

"Y-yep. Here you go, sir."

"Thank you, li'l... wha's yer name?"

He shook like a leaf. "Spike."

"Thank ya, Spike."

I could see his claws twitching. "No problem."

And with that, I turned and walked out the door, grin hidden under the mask.

Deus Ex: Out Of Dodge Edition

Train stations never appealed to me. Lots of people, lots of luggage, little kids, and trash all over the place. Never much liked traveling on a train, either, but oh well.

The one I was standing in was nice, but not my favorite. Wooden floor, decorations out of a Western movie, and a single flesh-and-blood ticket pony-person, that was it. I was standing by a column with brochures and maps, rifling through them. The mask was on my face, shades too, and I didn't want to risk anyone seeing my face.

I'd decided that I needed to get out of town before the natives started asking questions. Book on the species and history said that ponies, the particular inhabitants of this village, were skittish little bastards when something didn't jib quite right. Meant a tall guy in a longcoat and mask was going to get a couple stares, especially if he had been there for a real short time.

Very, very hard-to-get-punished-with death penalty, though. Don't think I'd get it, tapping someone on the head and nicking some fabric, but best not to push the envelope in an unfamiliar situation. What interested me was the "Helements of Armory" or whatever they were called. Six fucking powerful rocks that could... shit, do damn near anything with what the book was telling me.

Could seal someone in the moon, seal a god of chaos in stone, or whatever other bullshit needed to happen. Honestly, I wasn't asking questions because I'm at a very real risk for my life. But, if they could combat supernatural, superpowerful entities... hm, maybe they got enough bullshit quantum mechanics power to rip an asshole in the universe and send me fucking off into someplace like home.

That'd be nice, but I'd need to get to this Canterlot place if I wanted to see them.

"Sir?" I heard.

I turned, looking down at the pony who interrupted my musing. "Ye?"

"A-Are you looking to buy a ticket?"

Might as well take a chance. "Canna'lot. 'Ow long's da ride n' 'ow much is it?"

"Fifty bits, sir. The ride is six hours."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Any'ay I cou' get there fasta?"

"No, no sir."

Was almost tempted to grab him by his scrawny throat, but I squashed that violent thought like a bug under a boot. "When's it leave?"

"In a couple minutes, sir."

"How long'sa cuppa minu's and 'ow long's it stay in da station?"

He gulped. "Half an hour, sir. It stays for fifteen so ponies can get on."

I grinned underneath the mask. "I don't have that kind of time." And with that I walked off the platform, plan already forming.

Barely thirty minutes later, a train ran on time for once in my life. Big, pink, and hideous is how I'd describe it, flowery patterns and pastel rainbows defining damn near everything about it. Honestly wanted to toss a log on the tracks just to see it derail, but that'd take too long and I'd get attention. Attention was never good.

I waited, right up until the whistle blew and all the natives were on. I was a mile up the rail, crouched by a bush, my coat folded up so that it'd not billow and get in the way. Would've been nice having a cigarette to smoke,

Chug-chug.

Tense. White knuckles. Sweat beading on forehead.

Chug-chug.

Steam rolled off the smokestack. Acceleration, Doppler effect slowly raising the pitch. Started passing me, but I waited. Would be easy to catch up to it, considering the dated tech on it.

Stood up, burst into dead sprint. Jumped, got a grip, pulled myself onto the side of a freight cart, held on for dear life.

I was on.

Hard to go unnoticed in an empty train cart. Especially when you were tall, dark-haired, and handsome in the minds of some.

Honestly, I wasn't that pretty. Fairly certain I had a nasty bruise going up my face from the impact on the car, hidden by the mask. I'd taken off the head covering, let my messy hair fall loose. I'd like to say I dyed my hair, but if you looked close you'd see it was more natural than wanting to piss all over a vegan's plate. Think I had the darkest hair of the family, me.

One of the doors opened. I hid my face in the collar, watched from behind my sunglasses. A woman or mare or whatever the term was, she was walking into the carriage. I'd say she was a seven out of ten if she was my species. Nice tits, great hips, but the odd transition between pony-like face and humanoid body, tail, and all-around dissimilarity to the human form almost made me wish I was back with the neckbeards at the con.

Neither of us spoke. I rummaged around in my pocket, almost jumped when my hands landed on a carton of cigarettes. Didn't have a lighter, though.

She strutted past me, probably going to the half-full cart behind.

Odd that she stopped right at the door and set a shoebox-sixed container down on a seat. i ignored it for now, watching as she popped open the door and crossed the divider.

The second she was out, I stood up, walked over to the box, picked it up, and took it back to my seat. It was heavy, that much I could tell. Looked like a shoebox, too, no markings on the cardboard though.

I shrugged, popped it open, and looked at the little thermos-sized cylinder on the inside. Tied to the outside was a little note, like you'd see on a cheap Christmas gift, the "From:" part unlabeled and the "To:" part with my initials on them.

Carefully, I unfolded the note.

Think of this as a gift, William Darrell Mays. Hopefully it will help when you get to Canterlot.

-I

I rolled the cylinder in my hands. It matched, to a T, the one I'd thought about buying at the con. The little display was on, and two lines of text greeted me:

SPEED ENHANCEMENT

RUN SILENT

Deus Ex: Augmented Edition

Here's the checklist as I was looking at the little canister of nanites.

Was I alone in the car? Yes.

Was I ALONE in the car? Yes.

Was this actually an augmentation canister from Deus Ex? Considering I was in a land with people-ponies, some with flashlights on their heads, some that can fly, and I'm fairly certain there's magic, I'd say fuck yes.

Fuck it. This was just ironic, or coincidental, or something of the sort. Some guy named "I" giving an augmentation canister to a JC Denton cosplayer? How the hell did he know my name, anyway? I went by Billy half the time I introduced my self, so how the hell did this guy know my name?

Gah, I'd get a headache if I thought about it too much. Might as well see if this canister was the real deal.

I looked at the display. There were two buttons next to the options, one for Speed Enhancement and for Run Silent. Considering the flyers, my lack of skill regarding up-front combat, and the fact that I was gonna be keeping low, I'd probably stick with the latter.

My thumb mashed the digital button, changing the screen. Two more buttons, marked "Automatic Installation" and "Manual Installation (Advanced Users Only)" popped up. I went with Automatic Installation.

The screen changed again, a little cord with a syringe at the end popping out of a slot. "Please insert the cord into a vein" flashed the screen. I never liked getting shots, but I'd humor this "I" guy even if it meant I got high.

Sighing, I rolled up my sleeve, took the little syringe, and very slowly, very surely, stuck it in there. It pinched, it hurt like a crab pinching your toes, hurt like hell, but an icy feeling numbed it. Moved up the vein, down through my chest and into my legs until I could feel a little tingling chilliness leftover.

Soon as it happened, another box popped up on the canister. "USAGE of RUN SILENT: remember the mnemonic phrase "Stalker Silence". This augmentation has a LOW Bioelectric drain. A bioelectric meter has been installed, as per Protocol Five. Use mnemonic "Revolution Butterfly" to move it, appending the area you want it moved to at the end."

I read that tiny text, then I looked at my sleeve when a little burn shot through my wrist. There, just looking at me like it was supposed to be on my arm, was a tattoo that wasn't there before. A tattoo that was essentially a yellow bar, a green silhouette of a body with six sections divided in it, and a black flag.

Must've been the "Bioelectric Meter" thing the canister was saying. If the "Revolution Butterfly" thing actually worked, then I wasn't going to mess with it now. But... Hm, might want to try out the Stalker Silence thing...

The bar on my arm flashed. I watched as it started draining. Did that mean it was on? I stood up, started walking, but only after a minute of pacing did I realize that my heavy footsteps weren't making a single sound. Almost surprised me, but what was I expecting? With the same thought, I turned the augmentation off and sat back down, rolling down the sleeve and hiding the ninety-five percent full bar.

I'd have to mull this over when I got time.

Some indeterminate amount of time and window-staring-out-of later, the train squealed to a stop. The doors on the sides of the carriages opened, first letting off the riders.

I went through one of them, collar up. The cold air blasting my face caught me by surprise. Smart of me, to roll my sleeves down, but they didn't cover my hands so I jammed them in my pockets. Would be easy to go unnoticed, considering I looked just like the natives at a glance. The only guards were at the arched entrance, and far as I could tell the only security measures taken was a quick search of luggage and a pat down.

Those two looked silly, in Roman Centurion armor and handling spears, but who was I to tell them what to wear? I was dressed as Denton, with a bandanna over my face and a recent drought in terms of showers. Might as well have them tell me what to wear.

Would've liked to catch the lady who gave me the canister, but it was hard enough back home. Everyone here looked the same, and I'd likely have to bring attention to myself if I looked for her. Goddamn it, couldn't even catch a name. Going to the guards at this point would get me odd looks, and I'd not like to risk that, not when they probably had Detect Evil and Detect Intention or whatever neckbeard spells they had.

First thing I did was go to the restroom. Went into the one marked "Gentlestallions" or whatever, tossed my bags on the counter and took the mask and shades off.

In... what, two days? Hell, felt like a week. In that time, I'd knocked a chick over the head, committed two acts of burglary, and boarded a train without a ticket. Then the "I" guy came into play. Did that back home, I'd be tossed in jail for a year. Here? Here I was just trying to find a place to settle in, figure things out. Then "I" comes into play. Probably a mysterious entity, probably very powerful if he can conjure up nano-augmentation canisters. God, this was already crazy enough.

Almost didn't look like me in the mirror. Dark eyes, dirt on the face, greasy hair- fuck, I looked like a bum. Would definitely get a good look at from the authorities, and when they found the odd assortment of materials on me... Damn, I'm fucked if I go out that way.

Wait... was there a vent in here? No, probably too small for me to sneak through. Videogames and movies always lied. Half the time, vent shafts were for air, and not people. Only thing you'd find up there would be rats.

Fuck, I needed a plan. Could go through the guards and risk them finding the baton and my lack of license or ticket. Could burst straight through them, probably sparking a scene.

Fuck....

Deus Ex: Conversationalist Edition

Now that I think about it, just running past the guards was gonna be a real dumb idea. Fairly certain that if I played my cards right I could get right past them with a minimum of worry...

Needed to rearrange. I opened up the vest underneath my coat, slipped the baton into a little loop on the inside. Put my cash all in one bag, tossed everything but the apples and water, and smoothed out my hair. Best if I tried to pull off the traveler look. Anything that might make me look suspicious, I tossed into the trash. No mask, or I'd be mistaken for a terrorist of some sort.

With a crack of my knuckles, I exited the surprisingly-clean washroom and mosied on past the travelers, right up to the guards. They looked at me real odd, gripping their spears real tight. Dear god, I hope this works...

And just now I notice the horns on their foreheads.

Soon as I got close, they looked at me. "Sir, due to security measures put in place for the royal marriage of Captain Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, all travelers are subject to a search upon entrance to Canterlot."

I nodded. "Sure. No skin-to-skin contact. I got a condition."

They tensed.

I backed up. "Not contagious. Just made me look like... this." I said, pointing to my face with my hands. "If you want, you can search me. You aren't going to find anything out of the ordinary."

The first nodded. His horn glowed, an odd field passed over me, and I saw a satisfied look on his face. "Sir, empty your pockets."

Oh shit I think to myself, but I'm stoic on the outside. Almost mechanically, I drop the coinpurse, apples, and water bottle on the counter. "That's it, officers."

They nod, both of their horns glowing. Another field passes over my stuff. No alarms go off, so I guess I'm perfectly okay. Just had to wait for them to check off- ah shit.

Soon as they pulled out the clipboard I could feel an arrest coming up. They ask for a name, they put it in a database, they look into my background at all, I'd be fucked. Oh if they were gonna ask for my name or my signature I was fucked fucked FUCKED!

"Before you go, we would like for you to sign this," one of them says, holding out the board. I looked at it real close. Flowery border, pink paper, lots of names on it- was this a list? Could almost tell they knew I was confused. "The Princess is inviting any traveler who 'appears to be in poor condition' to her wedding for free food and drinks. All you have to do is sign, and a room will be booked for you at the castle for the duration."

Huh. Must've been a very nice pony, to do that. "When's the wedding?"

"Three weeks, on the twenty-fourth. Just show up there, sign in, and you'll have a pass you can use to verify that it is you."

I shrug. Free food, drinks, and a room? I wasn't complaining. Without another word, I signed my name as "D. May", handing the clipboard back over to the guard. Then I gathered up my stuff, stuffed it in my pockets, and started walking. Needed to find a place to sit down, think about this "I" guy.

Soon as I was out of sight I pulled the mask back on.

Sometime before nightfall, I was sitting on a park bench. Birds chirped, the wind blew, and the sun shone past a cloud. Air was cold, that much I could tell. Wouldn't look near as suspicious wearing a trench coat here, but I needed a wash.

But, apart from that and my growing unease with this "I" guy and the stuff I'd done to get here, I was pretty swell. The city was gaudy, almost tastelessly so, but in a kind of over the top way. Like a little girl's toy castle, almost. Big golden spires, shining white marble, purple trim, and streamers. Lots of fountains, statues, decorations, the kit and kaboodle. The people here were the upper-class, the elite, far as I could tell. Tailored clothes, glimmering jewelry, monocles.

They all held their noses up. A couple weren't, but those were few and far between. Either way, I was sipping on a bottle of water and thinking.

This "I" guy was going to contact me, that much I knew. Through a letter, an agent, or whatever other means he had, I'd not know. Be a bit concerned if he figured out how to broadcast a voice inside my head, but he hadn't so good. Wasn't feeling any side-effects of the augmentation, so that was good. Mustve had my best interest in mind.

I'd read through the book on my way to the city. Said the "Condiments of Marmalade" or whatever were hidden in a secret room in the castle in Canterlot, only accessible by one of the immortal god-princesses of the country. Paraphrased, that was, but I had a goal in mind.

Wasn't going to steal the Battlements, I was going to grab them and wait. Said they could banish things to "where they came". If that applied to me, then fuck yeah I was gonna find a way to get myself banished.

Just then a little piece of paper fell onto my shoulder. I grabbed it, almost made to slip it in my pocket, but the finely-madeness of it caught my eye. It was folded, so I unfolded it.

Almost yelled out "I fucking called it!" but resisted the urge. Of course, of course the "I" guy would contact me soon as I got to Canterlot! Of course!

Go to the Spin-Out Bar. An agent of mine will meet you there. Her name is Shade. if anyone asks for your name, say "Shadowfall."

-I

Deus Ex: Nightlife Hustle Edition

It was odd, actually watching the sun go down.

Very slow, that's how it felt. The sun crept to the horizon, and just before it touched I swear I saw it jerk. Sky redshifted, went like that for thirty damn minutes. Soon as those thirty minutes passed the sky dropped straight into darkness. Turned around, saw the moon, a clean white ball in the sky, on the other side.

Fucking weird ass sunset. Beautiful night sky, though.

Pushed my hands into my pocket, took out the note and unfolded it once more.

All it said was "Go to the Spin-out Bar. An agent of mine will meet you there. If anyone asks for your name, say 'Shadowfall"."

First off, I'm fairly certain they'd I.D., and I'm fairly certain a complete lack of that would get me turned out. Also certain that I had no fucking idea where the goddamn Spin-Out Bar was or whatever it was happened to be. Also, most definitely certain, that I'm not too sure about this "I" guy. Finally, Shadowfall was a stupid name.

Fuck it. I walk over to one of the few ponies still outside, hands in my pocket.

She looked at me, almost scared. I cleared my throat, drawing the mask off my face. "You got directions to da Spin-Out Bar? I asked.

She pointed down the alley. I shrugged, walked past, and exited out the other side. Almost surprised me how I didn't notice it before, considering the FUCK-HUGE line and neon. Shouldn't there have been ads for it?

By that I mean it was a little hole-in-the-wall bar. Bouncer looked bored, considering the complete lack of patrons. I walked up, he looked at me, and asked "how old are you?"

"Twenny-one yestaday." Technically it was twenty-one a couple months ago, but the "my birthday was yesterday and I want to get drunk" excuse usually worked. "Friends didn' show up, though' I'd drin' to 'em."

Bouncer nodded, stepped aside, and let me in. Looked like a friendly bar where everyone knew everyone else. I got a couple looks, but they must've assumed I was just a new visitor and went back to getting drunk.

All I did was take a seat at the bar and wait. Mare working on the other side walked over. Not the prettiest, but not painful to look at. "Whatcha cravin', honey."

I shrugged. You know what I haven't had in a long time? "Fried pickles."

"Fried pickles?" she questioned, obviously unused to the request.

"Fried pickles, yes." I repeated.

"Alright. Hey, Chet, gimme some fried pickles like you said your mama used to make 'em!"

And with that the bartender walked away to service others. I waited a coupe minutes, then some more. The bartender came back, a big plate of fried pickles in... limb. How the hell they carried that shit I wasn't asking, but I did smile when she set it down. Second later a fork landed by my hand, and with that I started munching.

"Excuse me?" I heard. Turned, looked over my shoulder. Tall mare, gray coat, purple mane, wearing a thick jacket and pants in the cold air. Looked oddly familiar, but I wasn't going to jump to conclusions. "Anypony sitting here?" she asked, pointing to the seat directly next to me.

I shook my head and she sat down right next to me, bumped elbows. Almost wished I had a cigarette...

"So, what's your name?" she asked. Almost wanted to say Billy, but I was currently attempting to contact one of these agents of this "I" guy. Maybe this was her.

"Shadowfall."

She did a double-take. "Odd name."

"Odd parents," I lied. Truthfully, my dad took me hunting, my mom taught me how to do chores, and they were the best. Both of them made horrible jokes all the time. Don't think they'd like the situation I'm in right now.

"You know why they called you that?"

"Don't know. Musta been my face. Ugly, ain't I?"

Could see her face twitch, like she wanted to say "yes, real ugly," but that'd not be polite. Instead, she patted me on the back and looked me straight in my eyes. "You ain't ugly. Just different."

I snorted. "Me? I got a condition. No skin-to-skin contact. Gotta wear clothes on everything, shades and a mask in direct sunlight. Otherwise I burn up."

"Fun. Anyhow, my name is Shade. Nice to meet you." She held out a hoof-thing. I gripped it and shook. "What are you eating?"

"Fried pickles."

She looked at me, real odd. "Anyhow, I'm gonna need to see you in the alley behind the building."

I groaned. Fine. If this was all some odd twists of fate then I was gonna go with it.

Shade and I walked out the bar. Bouncer gave me one of those "you scored a chick, nice" looks. Gave him a stink-eye, then went on walking.

Shade turned, went down an alley. I followed, right up to the dead-end part of it. Leaned against the brick wall, adjusted the back of my coat but actually dropped the baton out. She was rummaging around in her bag, and right when the baton expanded she looked right at me and snorted.

"Please, put that up."

"Was going to. Had to stick it up my ass to hide it from the guards."

She cocked her head. "Really?"

"No, so let me put it back in my pocket," I grunt, dropping the baton into my pocket. "So, what'd you need me for? Far as I know this "I" guy wants to see me."

A chuckle. She drew a card from her bag, making to hand it over. "We need you to infiltrate the wedding."

"Why?" I ask.

"My employer suspects a conspiracy among a group of ponies at the wedding."

Oh Christ. Seriously? A conspiracy? With a guy who looks like JC Denton? In a dark alley, in a big city? This was screaming that section in the NYC Sewers.

Almost turned away and walked out, but her... hoof-thing on my shoulder stopped me. "You'll get an audience with my employer if you expose it, along with a sizable sum of bits."

I looked back at her, grinning. "Can he get me an audience with the princesses?"

Shade nodded.

"Then I'm in."

Deus Ex: Introspection Edition

Odd.

That's how I'd describe the last three days from my position, laying on the back of a bed and staring at the ceiling. Odd was the only word I could really use, and possibly that justification was keeping me from breaking down and crying in a corner.

This place was certainly real enough, the hard knock with the train told me enough about that. The cold feeling from those nanites or whatever just solidified it. No denying it, I was stuck in some Oddworld variation of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic universe, where the ponies looked like people.

Thankful for that, at least. Meant I hadn't gotten the pitchforks-and-torches greeting, and the "I have a condition" excuse still worked. Still felt bad, knocking that chick over the head, but that was just panicked thinking. Besides, I might be able to appeal in a court that I wasn't exactly in my right mind when I did that. No excuse for breaking into the boutique, so I was fully expecting having to explain myself if someone connected the dots.

But why wasn't I panicking? I should've been panicking. Hitting a person over the head, doing some things that are blatantly illegal, searching for a damn conspiracy in the staff of a bunch of pony-people three weeks before a wedding? Too surreal, too surreal. The riskiest thing I'd done back home was help my friend graffiti a building, and I was lucky not to get caught. Had a sick feeling in my stomach before, after, and during it, but I pushed it back down.

Here? Here, though, it must've been different. Must've been some disconnect in my mind between the appearance of actual people and these... ponies, whatever. I'd hesitate to hit a person, even lightly, but I'd gone ahead and whacked the lyre chick over the head without a second thought. Didn't feel bad, doing it, but now that I think about it, it's making me feel a little sick.

And why did I take that job from "I" or whatever his name was? For all I know he was some evil overlord intent on taking over the world with a shadow government. All I know about them is that he's got augmentation canisters, agents, and some knowledge of me from the first day here, and my name. A scary thought, but what if he deemed that I'd "served my purpose" and killed me if I didn't find this conspiracy?

Hell, couldn't go back now. This wasn't a video game, all choices were final. Best to keep on going forward, try not to think too hard on some things.

That must've been it. The little disconnect you get from being in a surreal situation, that you don't think about what you've done until after the fact. That had to be it.

Fuck, I needed to stop thinking. Needed to get my head in the game. Needed to get an audience with this "I" guy, see if he could get me to these Spearmints of Marmalade or whatever they were called, and find a way to use them to get back home. Soon as I found this conspiracy, soon as I did that, I could do the rest of that.

I stood up, looked at the clock, and started taking stock of my options.

Could talk with the staff, see what was going on with them. Think they'd listen, considering I was a guest and the staff had to listen. Of course, a nameless bum going around asking questions was gonna raise suspicion. I didn't want that, no, not at all.

Could turn on the Run Silent thing and sneak out after dark. More than likely there'd be someone doing dirty deeds, and if I caught them and brought the fucker to the police, then I could quick and easy get the conspiracy ousted. But then I'd be questioned as to why I was out late at night.

Could pull an Edward Snowden, leak to the authorities that the conspiracy happened as an anonymous tip. Would be a different way out, but I don't think the "I" guy would like it. If he had nanotech, and "agents", then chances were they had experience "silencing" people. Would be risky, but if I did it anonymously... fuck, too many choices!

My stomach rumbled. I'd gotten here past lunch time, and the only thing that counted for my breakfast was a pretty-good sub from a street vendor. Needed to get dinner, that's what. Think it happened at seven o'clock, dinnertime.

With a sigh, I threw the turtleneck on, put on the shades, and combed my hair. Hopefully I'd be able to pass myself off as a bum, but if that didn't work... I'd not like to think about it.

Was 6:30, last I checked. Might as well get moving.

The line going to the cafeteria in the mess hall wasn't too long. I'd gotten there pretty early, right before it was supposed to start, with a couple others. Most of them looked to be ponies on the lower-class side of the scale. Workers, struggling artists, all those kinds. None of them paid any mind to me, in my turtleneck and dusty slacks, which was good. Swear I saw some looking real long and hard at my nose, but a quick stink-eye got them to back off.

"Order 30, D. Mays, ready for pickup!" I heard. Soon as I got there a chef handed me a tray with some vegetable soup and garlic bread on it. "What'd you like to drink, sir?"

"Water, please."

She nodded her head. "Alright, coming right up," she said, cheery as could be.

Then a glass of water landed on my tray, and soon as that happened I walked to an empty table, sat down, and started eating. Was actually pretty good, but it'd not come anywhere close to my mother's cooking. Devoured it anyway, considering it was free food.

Halfway through the bowl of soup, a pony sat down in front of me. Nice looking, for a member of a different species. Silver-white main, blue-coat, purple eyes, unicorn horn, all on a slim frame. Wore a star-spangled coat and magician's hat.

"Mind if I sit here?" she asked, almost sad-like.

I nodded, taking another spoonful of soup. She had the same meal as I, vegetable soup and garlic bread. Probably a stage performer who hit hard times, didn't have enough money to support herself.

"What's your story?" I questioned. "Ran out of town after a performance gone wrong?"

She nodded. "It was months ago. Still can't find work."

"Tough. I got in the country just a couple days ago, and they won't hire me cause of my face." I lied.

"You got a condition?"

Didn't even bother nodding. She sighed, returned to her soup.

Soon as I got to the bottom of my bowl, I handed her an uneaten piece of garlic bread. She looked confused, but when she saw the bits I was counting out that confusion became readily more apparent. "Why are you giving Trixie money?"

"Hate to see a sad face," I grinned. Then I dropped the caps on her tray, stood up, and walked out. Trixie didn't follow, thankfully. Hope to god she found a job soon, and hopefully those twenty-five bits would get her jumpstarted on that.

Now, just needed to figure out what I was going to do to expose this conspiracy...

Deus Ex: Shadowman Edition

11:00.

Four hours, I'd sat in my room. Waited. The guards had come by, said "lights out" exactly one hour ago, left minutes later. I'd peeked my head out the door, and sure enough the only lights on were spaced so far apart as to be decorative only. I'd grinned, waited for the hustle of ponies going to their rooms to end, and waited a little more.

Soon as it was quiet enough to hear a mouse piss on silk, I zipped up the trench coat, donned the mask, and looked at my wrist.

Ninety-eight percent bioelectricity, a green body, and a black flag. Didn't take me long to wrap the bottoms of my boots in cloth, on the off-chance that the Run Silent thing didn't actually work. I transferred the baton to a little loop on my belt, hidden beneath the coat. It'd be easy to get, just unzip it, snag it, and smack someone on the side of the head.

I'd use the mnemonic later, when I truly needed to get away. Would waste bioelectricity, keeping it on all the time.

Before I could get lost in this sprawling castle, I took one of the statues and opened up the faceplate, unlike the others in the hallway. It'd help me remember where I went, at the least. The walk to my room was dominated with repetitive hallways, the only differences being the view of the night sky.

Without another word, I started walking.

Thirty minutes later, I was standing at a t-junction. I'd encountered about four guards, only one of them asking me what I was doing up at this hour. I'd told them I had trouble sleeping, and needed to take a walk to calm myself down sometimes. They ate it up without a problem, their questions of my mask were deflected by a simple phrase. "I have a condition."

Odd how that was getting me out of a lot of problems, now.

Either way, I looked around. It was quiet, save for my own breathing. One end of the junction had an old wooden door at the end of it, a pair of dark-coated guards standing beside it. The second I'd gotten in front of them it'd seemed they'd seen me, so I didn't bother going through there. I went the other direction, seeing a pair of golden doors stretching to the ceiling. A soft-blue glow spread from them. Didn't look like I could open them, so I went back to the pair of guards.

They tensed as they saw me, but calmed down when I took the mask off. Seemed curiosity was behind their cat-like eyes, most likely at my odd-looking face.

Protocol must've kicked in right then. "Sir, by law, we are required to ask you why you're up past curfew."

I faked a yawn. "Stretching my legs. Gets a bit cooped up in here, don't it? Don't worry, I won't do anything bad. I'm just a traveler."

"Sir, we recommend you go back to your room at this moment. Other guards might not be so cordial when dealing with you."

I shrugged. "Well, can I at least know what's behind the door you're guarding? Must be important. Is it the armory? I bet it's the armory."

One of them nodded. "Yes sir, this is the armory. Civilians are not allowed in it."

Eh well, was worth a try. "Alright. Y'all two have a good night."

"You too, sir."

I turned around and went back where I came. Was gonna have to keep that place in mind, if I needed to break in and get a weapon other than the baton. Chances were they had crossbows, bows, all kinds of medieval weaponry that'd be a bit more effective than a baton.

1:00

That's when it happened. I was walking down the hall, careful to be as quiet as possible, when I heard talking. In seconds I had used Stalker Silence, leaned up against a wall, and held my breath.

"Buddy, you know what happens to snitches?" hissed a mare. I could hear someone panting, footsteps, and a thump against the wall. "Do you?"

Guy she was interrogating must've nodded, because something like a confident chuckle escaped the mare. Silently, I drew the baton, carefully extending it to its full length. Worst came to worst, I could sneak up behind this chick and knock her flat.

"That's right. They get stitches."

A loud whump made me wince. Almost wanted to run in and knock the chick down right there, but I needed to listen.

"The next time you try to expose us, I won't be so kind. For now, how's about a little game of "how much can you take?" to lighten the mood?"

The guy whimpered. Didn't sound like any more information was gonna come out of it. Needed to act now, catch this chick before she messed this guy up to bad.

I steeled myself. If this was the kind of conspiracy I was fighting, then maybe this "I" guy wasn't so bad. Made me sick to my stomach just hearing that lady speak.

Quiet as a mouse, I crouched, slipped past the corner, and gripped the baton with white knuckles.

The chick straddled the guy's chest, hooves around his neck. She wore the outfit of a maid, just a little tighter than ones I'd seen around the castle. She had a coffee-grind black mane, a white coat, and... what the hell? Luminescent, glowing blue eyes. There wasn't a horn, but I could see her manipulating the stallion's body.

Almost wanted to vomit when I saw the bulge in the guy's pants, the helplessness in his eyes, and the psychopathy behind the mare's eyes. I stood up straight, kept silent as possible, stood in the shadow of a tapestry.

"Oh, what's that deary? You don't want me to leave any marks? I'll try not to."

I couldn't let this happen, not in a million years. Blood pumped through my ears, adrenaline numbed. Never stand to let a rapist live.

In one fell swoop I stepped out of the shadows, baton flying. It hit the mare in the side of the chest, a crack sounding through the room. She flew off the stallion, hitting the wall. Almost roared a death threat but reasoning took over.

"Get out of here!" I yelled. Unfortunately, the stallion still kept to the floor, frozen in place by magic.

As I turned back to the rapist, a sudden force sent me into the wall. My left shoulder popped out of position, white-hot pain shooting through the nerves. A set of armor clattered to the floor.

"Oh buddy, you interrupted at a bad time." A magical blade appeared out of thin air, blue flames glowing.

My stupid brain had to come up with a one-liner. "Seemed like I was in the right place at the right time!"

She laughed, lunging forward. I rolled to my knees, jumped away before the sword coud take my head off. Managed to get to my feet, baton at the ready.

Her blade was stuck in the wall. I was expecting her to leave it there, but she conjured another. She took another lunge, damn near took my arm off, the blade swinging back around and grazing my arm.

I swung the baton, cracked it across her arm. It went limp and she screeched something unearthly. I watched as a supernatural fire started burning behind her face, transforming it into something demonic. A cold burn spread from the wound, the skin tightening and a cloud forming over my mind.

A grin might've formed on her face. I snarled, raised the baton, threw it with an inhuman strength. It hit her with a bang, knocking her on the floor.

I stumbled, but kept my balance and brought my fists up. If I had to fight this bitch hand-to-hand then so be it.

She stood up, clutching her broken arm and ribs. She must've realized that I wasn't going down without a fight. Another blade appeared, this one floating. It swung my way, my baton almost blocking it, before swerving off behind me. I heard a scream, knew it was the stallion, and cursed.

She grinned something evil, got up, and started running. I looked back at the stallion -holy hell that was a massive cut- and my brain shot into overdrive.

I could go after the mare, leave the stallion to his fate. The mare was definitely part of the conspiracy, definitely, and if I didn't go after her she'd tell the rest, and the same fate might befall me.

On the other, I could leave the mare and tend to the stallion. Without my help he'd surely die of blood loss, and then if I couldn't catch the conspirator the blame would be placed squarely on my shoulders.

Fuck, I needed a solution and quick.

Bleedout

No, I wasn't going after that mare.

I doubt I'd be able to catch her, dislocated shoulder and numbness spreading through my body. She was faster than me, tougher, and no doubt meaner. At the least, I'd gotten a good look at her.

I stumbled over to the stallion. The cut wasn't as large as I first thought, but it damn near turned his entire leg into mulch below the thigh. Deep red blood stained his outfit, and I doubted he'd live long without help.

My coat came off. I tore strips off the bottom with my teeth and my working arm, pain flaring in my head, warm blood spilling down my arm. I lifted his leg, saw more blood spill forth. Tried to wrap the makeshift tourniquet around his leg, tried to stop the bleeding, tried to apply pressure. He gasped, looked me in the eye. Fear, then a growing understanding that I was trying to help.

More footsteps. Looked to the source, saw guards in golden armor rushing down the hall, swords and spears drawn. Horns glowed, crossbows floated through the air, all their weapons and spells pointed in my direction.

One of them hit me square in the chest, numbness spreading from there. Made my fingers fumble, but the tourniquet was tied on and I grinned.

A blade bit into my neck. I flinched away, shakily put a hand up to it, saw the glimmering shine of blood and the hot feeling of it rolling down my neck. Almost chuckled, almost.

"Sir, step away from the victim, put your hooves behind your head, and walk away."

I grinned like a madman. "Th-the one you'-you're lookin' for. The one wh-who-who did this... she's long gone, d-d-own that hall...: I groaned out, lifting my shaking arm and pointing down the hall. The sergeant must've muttered something to his subordinate, as three of them broke off and started flying in that direction.

Everything started blurring then. One of them walked up, horn glowing with the baton in his magical grip. "We're taking you in for questioning," I thought he said, but by then it was all fading quick.

Soon all I saw was black.

I woke up in a haze. Bandages wrapped all around my chest, all around my left arm, where I'd been hit and where the shoulder was dislocated. Only thing I wore were my slacks, my vest and turtleneck having been stripped. Little plastic pads dotted my chest, a heartbeat monitor beep-beeping away.

i groaned. An I.V. drip stood next to my bed, going into my arm. Clear liquid flowed from it, down the tube, and into the vein. Must've had some sort of sedative in it, cause I was feeling dizzy just looking at it.

Could barely see, but there was a motionless form lying on the bed next to me. Wore a hospital gown, but... fuck, that was the stallion I saved! He lived. Holy hell he lived. Thank god those guards came by when they did. The heartbeat monitor on him was beeping at a weak-if-steady pace, up and down and up and down. Could see the sheets over his chest rhythmically move, hear the breathing. Looked like he was fine, physically.

I'd take to him later, when I figured out where I was. Tried to sit up, but the dizziness just intensified. Managed to use my right arm to lean against the back of the bed, at least. My sunglasses were on the side, on top of a table with a glass of water and clipboard.

Took me a minute to position myself right, but I managed to snag the clipboard and start reading.

There were two sheets on it, one with "D. Mays", and "Duvet" on another. I took a quick look at mine, seeing that the only injuries were a couple of bruised ribs, the cut on my arm, and the dislocated shoulder. Grinned at the field for Race, as they put "Earth Pony?" on it. Fuckers didn't know I had a condition.

"Duvet"'s sheet, on the other hand, made me frown. Internal bruising caused by... telekinesis, the massive cut on his leg, and the note detailing even worse injuries. No doubt caused by that bitch.

Whoever this bitch was that did this to him, I'd fucking end her.

I set the clipboard back down, took a sip of the water. Was interrupted halfway through by footsteps, and before I knew it a young mare in a nurse's uniform was standing by my bed.

Looked surprised to see me up. I looked her dead in the eye and chuckled. Then I got back into a prone position on the bed, rubbed my face, and waited for her to ask the obvious questions. Surprising there wasn't a guard right behind her, considering how lax security was to let... that happen.

Shit, let me eat my words right then. A guy in armor, electric blue hair on his head, white coat, blue eyes, and a tired look on his face walked in, sword on his belt. A purple shield crest marked him as someone of a higher rank, I think. He looked me right in the eye and smiled tiredly.

"I'll let the lovely nurse here ask you a couple questions," the guy said, sounding like a surfer dude. I honestly couldn't care less.

"Fire away, I ain't goin' anywhere," I grunted out.

Nurse looked at Cap, and the Cap nodded. She gulped, raising the clipboard and putting the pen to it. She asked the usual series of questions a nurse would ask. Sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, the like. I answered to the best of my ability, that being I avoided every question regarding who I was. Far as they would know, I was just one of these Earth Ponies with a condition.

Soon as the mare got done, she left the room. The captain, whatever his name was, sat on the stool the nurse once occupied.

He looked at me. "Usually, we let the investigative branch of the guard handle this. But, considering this happened in the castle, in the weeks leading up to my wedding, I've decided to take things into my own hooves. My name is Shining Armor, and I want to know exactly why you were found next to this stallion."

I chuckled. "I was in the right place at the right time."

"Alright. And what exactly were the conditions that resulted in this stallion's injuries?"

Bile went up the back of my throat. "Mare was wanting to have her way with him. Held him down with magic, and when I tried to stop her she cut his leg open."

Shining blanched, a scowl crossing his lips. "Did you stop her?"

"I did, if you couldn't tell. Broke her arm, most of her ribs, and I got a good description of her. Little shorter than me but bigger than than Duvet here, white coat, black mane, looked like one of those maids you'd see in a cheap porno. Odd enough, she was using magic without a horn."

Shining produced a notepad. "And what color was her magical aura?"

"Blue. She got glowing blue eyes. Don't think she was normal."

The captain nodded. "Now, explain to me why you were wandering the castle at night."

An internal wince. "Got a hard time sleeping in an unfamiliar place. have to walk to get the energy out of me. Like I said, right place at the right time."

Shining looked unsure, but smiled anyway. "Thank you for your cooperation, sir. And thank you for putting that tourniquet on Duvet. He'd not have survived without your help. I'm sure you understand that this is all a formality, and that ponies will consider you a hero."

I nodded. Then Shining stood up and left me to my own devices.

Deus Ex: Conspiravision Edition

One hour.

That's how long it took for Duvet to finally get up. I'd quieted the second I heard him stirring, and grinned when his eyes fluttered open.

"Welcome to the world of the living, friend."

Startled, he spun his head around to face me and I swear he nearly jumped out of his skin. A spike in the heartbeat monitor, a terrible wince, and a bit of heavy breathing later, he was looking at me with caution. Almost wanted to grab him and give him a big ole' hug, because damn I hated seeing anyone with a sad face.

"W-who are you?" he murmurs, gripping the sheets.

I get onto my elbow, looking him right in the eye. "The guy who saved your life."

Duvet, what's his name, looked me over once more. "Th-thanks. She... she was going to... to..."

I held up my hand. "Let's not talk about that. What I want to know, is what was the deal with the 'snitches get stitches' act? What exactly were you leaking?"

He about-faced. Fuck, probably shouldn't have asked that, so soon after his waking up.

Needed a solution, and quick. One came into my head, a bullshit-but-likely one. "Look, I was hired by a pony to try and weed out dissidents. What was that mare talking about?"

"...A con-conspiracy."

I grinned. This was turning out wonderful. "What's this conspiracy about, anyhow?"

"To... I don't know. I just saw her, one night, t-talking to h-herself like the-there was somepony else... somepony else there. They were t-takin' about... a war."

Could see the blood draining from his face. "War. Of what kind?"

"I... I shouldn't be talking. Oh she's g-gonna find me! She's gonna hurt me!" He started panting, looking around the room. Fuck, I needed more information! "She's gonna find me and she's gonna kill me!"

Almost heard him yell, but I slammed my hand on the bedside table. Winced, but it stopped him from screaming. "She ain't gonna get you, she ain't gonna hurt you, and she ain't gonna find you, not on my or the Captain's watch. You got that?"

He nodded. I smiled. "Now, let's get off that topic. What's your name?"

"D-Duvet, sir..."

I already knew that from the sheet on the clipboard, but it was nice to hear it from the man himself. "Nice to meet you-" I held out my hand, he clasped it and shook "-I'm Darrell Mays, Private Investigator. I'm going to enlist the help of some friends of mine, and we're going to oust this conspiracy. You don't worry."

That was an empty promise and I knew it, but the weak smile on his face made my day. "T-thanks. Find th-that mare and... and bring her to justice."

"I will, buddy, I will. You just go back to sleep."

A nod. He turned, moaning in pain, but got into a comfortable position after a bit. I leaned back against the bed, waited for a nurse to come in.

By my internal clock, I'd say I'd been waiting some thirty minutes. Duvet had fallen back asleep, leaving me to my own devices.

Then I heard footsteps. I prepared to meet a nurse, but the woman that came into view definitely wasn't. Nine out of ten, that's all I'll say. Nice tits, great hips, tall, and almost human. Purple robes, embroidered with designs like the sun, that's what she wore. Swear her hair was a pastel rainbow that actually flowed, but that had to be a trick of the light.

Had to be.

"Excuse me, but are you Darrell Mays?" she asked.

I went ahead and said "yes."

She looked me up and down, eyes landing on the bandage on my arm. "As I've been made aware, you prevented an act of rape last night. Would you care to share the details?"

Duvet stirred. "You want the majority of the details, you ask my friend over here. All I can say is that I was at the right place, right time."

Something might have flashed on her face but I ignored it. She looked over to Duvet, and I swear I saw anger behind those big purple eyes, but the second I blinked it was gone. "And just who are you, Darrell Mays? You most certainly aren't a pony."

I chuckled. "No, I am. I just have a condition. But if you want a serious answer, then no, I ain't."

"Then what are you? I've not seen your kind before, not in all my years."

Put on a cheeky grin, that's what I did, but inside I was grasping at straws for an answer. "Me. That's what. One-of-a-kind, that's what I am."

"Funny."

"I know."

Silence fell. She seemed really out of it, somehow.

"You got a cigarette I could bum?"

There was a flash. A carton of little white cancer sticks popped onto the table next to me. I grinned, snagged them, and frowned when I didn't have a lighter.

"You also mind lighting this?" And another flash. The end of the cigarette glowed, a little bit of smoke came out, and I grinned. Took a deep draw on it, felt the cancer smoke inter my lungs, and I blew out a little puff. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. I'll leave you alone for the time being, at least until my sister arrives."

"Aight. Thanks for the smokes."

And then she left. I finished the cigarette, but cursed because I didn't have a fucking lighter. Goddammit, should've asked for that.

I was waiting, once more. Was doing a lot of waiting, really.

There were two things I could do. Wait, or find a lighter. If only I had a coin to decide what to do..

Deus Ex: Still Can't Light The Cancer Sticks Edition

Nope, I wasn't getting out of bed. Nope, nopity nope, just nope. Not with some broken/bruised ribs, a massive cut on my arm, and a dislocated shoulder. Nope, that wasn't happening, not in a million gajillion years. Damn, fucking cray-cray bitch got me hard.

Was there a call button? Should've been a call button, somewhere- there, yup, found it. I think the green button was for requests, the red one for emergencies, and the black arrows to lean up and down. Fuck, why'd I not seen this before? Would've made the leaning and shit that much easier, but whatever.

I started mashing the green button a couple times. Beep beep beep beep beep. Mashed it a couple more, earning me some more beepity beeps. Waited a couple minutes, waited a couple more, and bam a nurse walked in. Lucky me I'd hidden them under my pillow, like the eternal boss I was.

"Whatcha need, hon'?" she asked, southern accent readily apparent. Had to be something weird, but all the women I've encountered never seemed to be 'average'. You know what I'm talking about.

I ignored that sudden epiphany, putting more attention to my growling stomach. "You got any food? Cause I'm hungry. Like really fucking hungry."

"Well then, Ah'll getcha some food, sir," she said, then she walked out. I managed to catch a gliimpse of her ass over the somewhat-tight uniform, and that just confirmed my suspicions of most of the ladies here being above-average, in terms of physical appearance.

Shrugged. At least hospital food was better than no food. And pony-person ass and tits was better than no ass and tits. Weird, though, that there didn't seem to be an unattractive lady anywhere in the group I'd seen. Think there'd been a couple of "pudgy" individuals, but no one overweight. Conversely, "thin", but not "thin as a rail" thin. And they all had great tits and nice asses.

No, I wasn't that kind of person. Never would be, never will, seeing as I was just making an observation. Fucking disgusting, those kinds of people were. All of this "inner-wolf" bullshit, or whatever. You know what happened to wolves the second we started putting two and two together to get four? Yeah, that's right. Dogs. That's what happened, dogs happened.

God, I was bored. When was that nurse gonna get back with food? Fuck, fuck. I'm hungry.

Hungry like the hippo. God, I could remember this time when a couple friends of mine, we were challenged to parody a song. I had singing duties, cause I sounded the best on a mic, and somewhat-acceptable on a guitar, and Waldo, he was on guitar too. We'd been in the chorus program through middle school, and high school, so we were prepared. Anyhow, we got a mutual friend of ours to write the lyrics to be about "Hungry Hungry Hippos" instead of the cheesy "Hungry Like The Wolf" thing. It was pretty fun, to be honest.

Man, shoulda gotten the group back together and done more covers of songs. "Red Wedding", "Old World Blues", hell, even fucking "Spawn Together," if we ever got around to doing it and any of us liked Billy Idol, Social Distortion, or The Beatles. Man, we'd have been rolling in money.

Dammit I was bored. Really, really bored. They'd taken my phone, I think, because I couldn't feel it in my pocket. Goddamn, I would've so played me some fucking Angry Birds if I had it. Or... fuck, what other games did I have on it? Bah, well, I'd check when I got it back. And show these ponies some good music.

...Actually I don't think I've ever heard any actual music here. The canned stuff at the bar was just your generic instrumental punk, but... damn, how'd I not notice that before? Next thing you know I'm gonna be in a Goddamn musical number. Shit, did they do musical numbers in the show? Waldo never got me into it so I'll assume they did; pastel ponies, y'know. They always got musical numbers, and stuff. And the musical.

Fuuuuucccckkkk when was the nurse getting here with th- oooh those are footsteps. And the clattering of wheels. Am I getting me some grub? I'm getting me some grub mothafuckas! It's hospital grub so... no, mothafucka no!

Soon as the wheel-clattering tray of hospital-anti-delicious grub rolled into sight, I... had mixed feelings. On the one hand, it was food. On the other, it was hospital food. On the former, I was getting food. On the latter, it was most likely going to be below-average at best and "recycled" at worst. And by recycled I mean shit.

Fuck it I'm hungry. Just so long as it wasn't grits...

"Here ya go, hon'," she said, grinning. Then she took a tray off the top and put it on my lap.

Motherfucker it had hashbrowns! Fuck my arm and shoulder, I'm getting me some motherfucking hashbrowns bitches! Soon as she put the forks down I grabbed one and started digging in. Took me barely three minutes to stuff the food in my mouth, hampered by my dislocated shoulder and arm. Hell, I'd not mind this!

At the end of the second tray, she took the little metal thing away. "I think that's 'nuff, hon'. You jus' wait till we c'n git a doctor inna here, alright?"

I nodded, slightly disappointed at the fact that I wasn't getting me any motherfucking hashbrowns, but whatever. I had 'em anyway, and hot damn they were delicious. Fuck yeah, potatoes. They're the Swiss Army Knife of food, part of the terrifying trifecta of fish and wheat. You can damn near do anything with those three.

Then the nurse left once more after filling out a clipboard.

Now, just needed to wait for a doctor.

Deus Ex: Cancer Sticks, Finally! Edition

Waity wait wait.

Fuck. BOOOOORRRREEEDDD. Duvet wasn't up, and I wasn't sleeping, and goddammit where was that doctor? Swear to fucking christ if his name is some pun on "Who" but with ponies I was gonna get right up and file a complaint.

And then footsteps. I was hearing a lot of those lately. Barely even five minutes after that nurse left.

Then they got louder and hot-damn why can't I just have some more hashbrowns. Motherfuckin' hashbrowns. Those were fucking delicious. Man if this nurse was bringing me some more hashbrowns. But wait... no, that wasn't right. Nurse said the doctor was coming to run some tests or something on me...

Waitaminute, was this that hot chick's sister? Maybe, maybe not. I'd have to wait.

And I didn't have to wait too long. I heard the sound of someone being pushed aside, some shit clattering, and then holy shit who was this chick? All, like, dark-blue coat, light-blue... hairy/maney thingy, opposite-colors of the chick from before's outfit, and dem curves. Maybe they got some sort of Ebony and Ivory thing going on. Oh christ it'd be hilarious to see if one of them got discriminated against, they'd just be like "is it because I'm black?" if it was the black one, or "is it because I'm white?" for the whitey. Goddamn, that'd be a hilarious dynamic if they were actually related, but I couldn't see it happening. Apart from the... waitaminute.

"Are you that white chick's sister?" I asked, stupid for not realizing it before. I mean, hey, anything is possible, and the white lady said she would have a sister arriving soon. "The uh... the one that kinda looks like you but taller. And white."

"Yes, we are. Would it be that you are Darrell Mays?"

I nodded. "I am. Whatcha here for?"

She seemed miffed, for some reason. "No particular reason, though mostly because our sister let us know of the... act almost committed in our castle, and that we wished to visit the hero.."

Oooohhh. Fuck, gonna have to walk on eggshells with this one. "Yeah, I was there. Stopped the psychopath who was doing it from... doing it. Am I getting an award for that? Or at least an honorable mention in the papers. You want the full story, you take to Duvet over there. He was the one who it... happened, to."

"Yes, we already talked to him about that. He said it was something dealing with a, how should we say it, 'conspiracy'. Did he tell you anything about it?"

Ah shit. AH SHIT! "Conspiracy? Yeah, I heard it from the guy himself. Couldn't get much out of him, though. You wanna talk to him, you just wait till he wakes up."

"And what shall we do until then?"

I shrugged, hard as it was to do that with a dislocated shoulder. "You got a lighter?"

Apparently Equestria is ruled by four princesses. Nevermind the fact that they don't have a king or a queen, and the parliament is more or less not there, but four princesses? Seems a bit overkill in the estrogen department, that being my opinion, but whatever. The one I'd talked to earlier was Celestia, and this one was Luna. Said there were others named "Sparkle" and "Cadence", but who those were I'd not know.

Eh, I'd learn later. Right now, I was having a friendly game of chess with my current-favorite Princess, largely due to the fact that she managed to light the cigarretes and actually played chess. And man, she was good at it. I mean, I wasn't the very best, like no one ever was, but I at least knew how to get my head around the game. Meant I could completely and utterly stomp Waldo at it, because he preferred Checkers, but hot damn I wish I practiced more.

Luna? Man, I was actually having a fun time playing chess. Mostly because of the conversation.

"You know what word rhymes with through?"

"No. And what would this word be?"

"Two, to, or too. But not cough, rough, and though, despite them all having the same ending. Language is funny, innit?"

"Now that you mention it, yes, we- I find it funny." She captured a pawn. Man, I was on a losing streak. A really, really bad losing streak. "Are you trying to distract us?"

"Possibly. It's worked before," I said, moving a baron to pin her king in check. A little grin appeared on my face, right before I realized that fuck if she moved that knight over... "I gotta question to ask."

"And what is this question?"

Shit shit shit needed a question! "...Where are my clothes?"

"As far as ou- my sister has told us, they have been taken to be cleaned of blood. Am I to assume it was a glorious fight, or no?"

I shrugged. "Knocked her around a few times. She blasted me against a wall. I got up, dodged a sword, broke her arm, then she played dirty and cut Duvet."

"Odd," was all Luna said. "Perhaps we should make this a game in its own? You ask us a question, we answer, and w- I ask you?"

Almost shrugged once more, but I just nodded. "Sure. Why not? You go first."

She moved that fucking knight. Blocked my baron, and now she could move the king relatively-freely. Fuck, if only I had a rook somewhere! "How does one become so... disfigured, as yourself?"

"I got a condition. Makes my hair fall off, makes me look ugly, y'know, stuff like that. Gotta wear thick clothes all the time, and a mask, because far as I know ponies here freak out a bit." Thank you dear Jesus for my stupid brain picking stupid stuff up out of the stupid babble that Waldo spits out. There was an episode where the moral was 'don't judge a book by its cover', and I think the townsfolk freaked the fuck out because a black chick moved into the neighborhood. "Honestly, I'm just like you. Uglier, though."

"Really?"

I caught myself before replying. "That's a question. My turn." Then I cracked my knuckles, moved a rook into some place that hopefully would get her king stuck, and thought up a question. "Can I get my stuff back?"

"Only after you're declared fit to leave, though I believe my sister wishes to show you some "items" that her student found." She hummed. 'Now, tell us, how does a male have... those?"

She pointed to the... oh. Fuck, didn't account for those. Fuck fuck fuck gotta bluff this one. "Think it's a mixup with the chromosomes. I got titties, it's not a problem. You gonna ask another question?"

The stare she gave me almost, almost looked like it could kill. Probably could, because God-Princess of Ponykind right there, y'know. They got powers, and shit. "Yes, in fact. What else do you have?"

Sweat beaded on my forehead. I swear if this turned into a porno... "I can grow some pretty cool stubble in less than a week. What can you do?" Whew, good aversion right there.

"I can lower the moon."

Almost scoffed, but then the one or two episodes Waldo forced me to watch reminded me of the fact that magical horses, fuck logic. I didn't bother questioning it. Life was weird enough as it was for me.

Duvet started shifting. Looked like he was waking up, finally.

Soon as that guy's eyes creaked open, I grinned, waved, and pointed to the guest currently sitting on the stool.

And the second he got a glimpse of the princess, I could almost see him realize that he was laying down in front of one of the rulers of the land.

All I did was hand him a cigarette, which he gladly accepted. "Hey, Luna, you mind lighting that for him? Think he needs it."

Deus Ex: Recovery Edition

Okie doke.

Yeah.

It was... nine, nine I think. Nine o'clock. Yeah, I was mostly awake for... fuck, since noon I think. That's... nine, nine hours. Man, I was tired. Those hashbrowns had settled real well. Christ, I love hashbrowns.

Man, I needed to sleep. Was dark, far as I could tell. Luna'd left soon as Duvet had said "Conspiracy. War. Don't hurt me!" or something to that effect. Don't know why he was so scared, honestly, Luna was probably the coolest pony I'd met apart from the fact that, well, princess. Didn't really get that, but I was coasting along on the fact that no one knew me, I could bluff like no one else, and I was a pretty much a local hero now. People don't tend to question the actions of heroes.

Fuck, all this in the course of... four, five days? Felt like a lifetime, really. Robbed a boutique, beat a lady over the head, jumped on a train, and now I've stopped an act of rape and met with the leaders of the land.

Might as well get some sleep. I've barely had any of that.

I woke up without any pomp or flair. The pain in my chest was just a little ache, same with the shoulder and cut. The blanket was back over my chest, my arms over it. Lights in the room were on, Duvet was snoring, and all was well.

Man, what time was it? Needed to check the clock... yup, seven-ish. Right around the time the sun should be up.

Looked around the room for anything odd. Bedside table had a box on it, looked like it had a tag on it, only thing I could recognize being the "To:" and "From:" and my name, respectively. Swear the "From:" name was familiar, somehow... couldn't remember, though. Must've been the drugs in the I.V., if I couldn't. Might've seen it on the cover of a magazine of a shop while I was walking around.

I pulled it closer, flipped the top open with my good arm. Surprised me to see an envelope on the top of a folded blue trench coat that looked a lot like mine..

I grabbed the envelope, seeing a frilly design on it. Moved my thumb under the... licky part you lick to get it to stick, pushed it until it tore and moved until the thing was open. Made a loud sound but I ignored it.

The letter inside was on frilly pink stationary. It was signed in fancy cursive something, and I couldn't make a single word out because it was all in fancy, fancy, FANCY cursive. Cursive on crack, if you will. Think it said something about "Welcome anytime" and "new clothes", but honestly I could barely read it.

Put it back on the table, grabbed the trench coat, and looked at it. Perfectly clean, that's what it was. I mean, hell, I hadn't realized how much dirt had accumulated on it until I got it back right now, but damn it almost sparkled. The buttons were shined, the zipper a glistering silver, and not a single stray thread on it. Blue color of it stood out, and... where was the seam?

Held the left sleeve in my hand, looking at it real, real close. There wasn't a seam. Even I knew that if there was a cut in a cloth, there was going to be a seam if it was to be repaired. Must've been some handy magic, repairing cuts without leaving seams. I wasn't complaining, at least.

The turtleneck was the same; clean as could be, the cut repaired. Vest wasn't anywhere, and the undershirt looked completely new, so... huh, guess someone cleaned my clothes.

I folded them all back up, tossed them in the box, and waited.

Goddamn, I was doing a shitton of waiting. Was five minutes since I hit the green button, and goddamn where were the nurses? Hope to god I'd get some hashbrowns, if they came by with breakfast, but... hmm. Still no doctor.

Odd, but oh well.

And then I started hearing footsteps. Seemed I'd never stop hearing them at random times.

What I didn't expect was a doctor-looking type walking in, the same nurse as before behind him. He was carrying a clipboard, along with a tray of medicine and shit. Made me tense, soon as I saw the syringes and shit on it, but... hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

Soon as he saw me looking at him with wide eyes, he grinned. "Ah, yes, Darrell Mays. Hear you're something like a hero," he said, almost too jolly to be true. "Is it true you stopped a rape?"

I nodded. "Yeah, lotsa people been asking me. All I've been saying is 'right place, right time,' to the lot of them." I leaned back against the bed, raising it just slightly. "You gonna do some tests on me?"

"Yes, that's correct. A magical scan of your ribs and shoulder showed multiple injuries, something I'd like to see the severity of myself. Now, if you would please stand up..."

The assistant moved to get me out of the bed but I waved her off. "I don't think I have a broken leg," I grunt out. Then I throw the blanket off the bed, twist around with a little pain, and get my feet on the ground. I push off the bed, there's a sharp pain in my lungs, but I think I'm okay. After that I turn to the doc and smirk a little. "So, tests. You wanna do those?"

The doc nods. I shrug.

Eh, might as well.

"Remarkable."

That's the fifth time I'd heard that word coming out of Doc's mouth. All I'd done is windmill both my arms around, let him check the cut on my arm, feel around my ribs, and he was oohing and ahhing like a JB fangirl. Apparently, recovering from a dislocated shoulder like this was... unheard of. Definitely not this quick, not back home. Must've been something in the air, or maybe the powers-that-be wanted me back in the action sooner, because my shoulder was damn near fine, the cut was almost gone, and my ribs must've mended themselves.

"We'd initially thought healing spells and salves would be harmful to your... non-standard physiology, but it appears you're recovering at an astounding rate!" the doc says, smiling wide as a serial killer, "This is absolutely unheard of!"

I hold up a hand. "Yeah, I heard it the first time. You're gonna keep this between me and you, right? I don't want ponies swarming me, poking and prodding." He looks a bit disappointed, and I add on a "I got a job to do, unfortunately, but soon as I get done with that I'll let you stick me with needles. All I gotta ask is if I can get visiting hours to Duvet and pain meds."

"Yes, of course, yes to the both of them. Seeing as you're young and strong as an ox, I can see you recovering relatively quickly. Don't worry about your address and information. We've got it all on-file." He flips a page on the clipboard. "Darrell Mays, currently living with a Ms. Summer. Is that correct?"

Ms. Summer? "Yeah..." I reply, trying not to make the uncertainty in my voice sound too obvious. "Can I get her address? I have a nasty habit of forgetting."

"Of course, sir." He turns the clipboard over, pointing to a little field. I stare at the address on there. Yeah, think she said that was where she lived... damn, if I had my phone I'd take a picture to remember, but I didn't. "In fact, I actually think Ms. Summer herself is in the waiting room! Would you like to see her?"

I go ahead and nod. Wondered if that was her first or last name. And if she was Shade, if I should tell her about the visit by the Princesses or not... Fuck, this was moving too fast.

Might as well start getting my clothes on.

Soon enough, the doc came back. Walking behind him was a certain secret agent that I'd recognize anywhere, especially in a low-cut dress like that. I had the turtleneck on, the letter from the tailor in between the folds of the trench coat under my arm.

They must've been doing the West Wing-style, walk n' talk, because all I caught of their conversation was "-takes two pills a day, one every six hours" from the doc, and "-When do I have to bring him in for an examination?" from Shade.

Second the mare saw me she smiled. "Hello, friend. How's the hospital been treating you?"

I shrug. "Good. You come to pick me up? We going on a date or something? Didn't expect to see you so nicely dressed."

She chuckles. "Sure. I've already signed the release forms and gathered your belongings, so you're free to come with me. Unless there's some business you need to attend to..."

Didn't expect that answer, but... Business? Business... shit. I turn to the doc and grab him by the shoulder. "Hey, if Duvet's ever up, you let my housemate know so I can be by his side, alright?" The doc nods. "Alright. Anyhow, I'll just... be leaving."

And with that, we're out the door.

"You're not really... considering a date, are you?" I... I want to say ask but that's something I've been doing too much of. "You and I have only known each other for three days. And the only interaction has been professional."

She just grins. "I need to convince my coworkers that I have a life outside work, I need to keep an eye on you, I haven't seen a good movie in a while, and you should probably learn more about Equestrian culture if you're gonna be here a while. That's called multi-tasking."

Well, I can see she lives to work. I'm honestly not complaining; one, because a guy never won in a discussion with a woman, and two, she raised some good points. Couldn't go my entire stay here, however long or short it'd be, without eventually learning something about the natives. And if that crazy demon bitch came back...

She stops, suddenly. I almost walk past her, but she's staring at a movie poster. "Do you want to see this? I heard from a friend that it's pretty good."

All I can think is are you bullshitting me?

"Star Ponies Episode One: A New Hope, that's what was displayed. Even had the same poster. Twelve different kinds of highly-distinct bullshit, that's what I was smelling, but fuck it, I've lost control of my life as it is.

"Or..." then she turns to a different movie poster, "How's about this one? It's about a foreign super-spy. Think you'd like that."

I could almost hear the cheeky grin, but I was distracted. Distracted by a pair of pretty mares (seriously, no guys in the Secret Police?) standing barely fifty or so feet from me and Shade. I could tell they were government, mostly by the black business suits and little earpieces they wore. Most likely they'd taken notice of me, and I of them.

Honestly, this could go one of two ways. I walk up, tell 'em to stick their heads up their identical asses, or I politely ignore them. All I want is a little bit of peace to sort through my own thoughts, actions, and maybe a little cheesy movies.

Deus Ex: Plainclothes Edition

Honestly, I'm not even gonna bother with them. This is one of the few times I've had to relax, and I'm not letting a pair of MIBs get in my way. I'd be more worried if crazy bitch came back, but if they were here to keep an eye on me then whatever. Just as long as I got to see a movie, maybe get some popcorn.

I tapped Shade on the shoulder. She looked at me, and I pulled her head close. Mighta looked like I was doing something lovey-dovey but I wasn't.

"You see the mares in suits?" I whispered. She nods. "You think you know where they came from?"

"The intelligence division of the Canterlot guard. I've worked with them a couple times. Real friendly lot, they are." She rubs up a little closer to me. I'm already uncomfortable as it is. "Act like we're dating."

Almost, almost want to yell "fuck no!" and run off, but honestly I've lost control of my life as it is. "You cold?" I ask, a bit louder than I should have. "Don't think a dress like that is appropriate for tonight. Want to borrow my jacket?"

"Thanks, honey," she says. I take the coat out from under my arm, sneakily hiding the tailor's letter in my pocket before unfolding it and putting it over her shoulders. The bottom of it falls to her ankles, and she pulls it so that it sits better on her. Can't say it's not cute, though. "Bit big, isn't it?"

"Not on me," I grunt. Then I point to the Star Wars ripoff. "So, Star Ponies? Think I'd like to see that. Think the villain would be cool."

"Hm... Heard from a friend that it was a bit cheesy. Do you like cheesy?"

Considering I already know the plot of the movie... "I love cheesy. Can't get enough of it. Do you?"

A chuckle. "I'm alright with it. So, want to get something to eat before seeing it?"

I nod.

There are few people who can pull off "mysterious" well. I most certainly couldn't: half the time I spent here was bluffing and hiding, and the other half was running. Shade, she could pull off mysterious if she wanted to, but I don't think she was. Right now I think she was aiming more towards the "loving woman in relationship with skittish, disfigured guy" image, which I really didn't care for. So long as those MIBs stuck far away, I could get some food, and a good night of sleep, then so be it.

"Momma used to take me here when I was young. They have the best chili in the country, as far as I'm concerned," she says, pointing to the Varsity-lookalike right in front of us. I've stopped giving a shit, really, about the similarities between home and here, because as a good man once said, don't fucking think about it, and get through the fucking day. Think that was Confucius or someone. "You okay with that?"

I nod. Y'know, I was half-expecting a fancy restaurant that she was taking me to. Honestly, I don't give a fuck.

The MIBs are still following us. I'm itching to grab a chair and pull something straight out of WWE, a couple armbars, maybe a sleeper hold or two, hell, even a German Suplex. Fuck, I when was the last time I suplexed someone?

"C'mon, let's go inside. Not too crowded this time of day," she... commands, I guess, grabbing me by the elbow and dragging me inside.

The process of ordering is quick, seeing as we wait about five minutes before we get to the counter. I order onion rings covered in chili, because none of the other options on the menu look appealing to me. Shade gets a hayburger, hayfries, and a large drink. The wait time for the order is pretty short, considering the simplicity, and we're sitting at a booth right after.

Considering the last time I was on a date was a couple bajillion years ago, I was just sitting there picking at the onion rings. Man, my life was moving far too fast...

Still, good idea to keep an eye on the MIBs. They're sitting at a booth right over, sitting across from each other. Looks like they're not dumber than I am after all.

"So, whatcha think of the hospital?"

Might as well... "Better than back home. How much did you have to pay to get me out?"

"Pay? We got free healthcare in Equestria. How bad is it back where you lived that they had to make you pay for the doctor?"

Man, I didn't know myself. "I dunno. We don't have magic swords back home."

And then it descends into small talk. I finished the onion rings in a couple minutes, but Shade was still eating. Think I made eye contact with the MIBs, cause they started talking soon as I looked away. Man, I swear if they follow me and stalk me while I'm on the toilet, there'd be hell to pay.

A question tugs at my mind. "Is Summer your first or last name?"

"Summer Shade. That's my name."

"Alright. You know mine, Darrell Mays. Think I'll go by the nickname of Shadowfall, though. That seems like a good nickname."

"Yeah. You done? I think we can still catch that movie if we hurry.

I shrug. "Yeah, sure. Let's go. Kinda wanna get there before anyone else."

"Alright!" she says, getting up and sliding the trash off her tray into the bin.

Sighing, I follow her. I have well and truly lost control of my life...

Deus Ex: Musical Discussion Edition

Apparently they liked musicals here.

Like, really liked musicals. More so than Bollywood did, and that was saying something. Swear every other Bollywood film that came out was a musical or something ridiculous. Could remember seeing this one film about an android guy who could magnetize guns and lift up cars and shit, and he was after this hot chick. He flies through a car, surfs on the driver, does some hardcore parkour, and I think there's a snake made of people, too. Swear the best part was where he gets these two gas can trucks to squeeze together, and he ramps off the police truck that flies through.

What was that called? Indian Robot Endhira? Man, that was an awesomely cheesy film. It was twelve different kinds of ridiculous, but not nearly as much as turning Star Wars into a musical with ponies. At least those MIBs didn't interrupt. Hell, where were they anyway?

Y'know, if I ever directed a movie, and it had to be a musical, there'd be three songs in it. The first would be the intro, the second would be the main character's rockin cool badass acoustic theme, and the last would be the villain's song. The plot would basically be "Villain is bad, hero must use badass skills regarding badassery to badass his way through hordes of mooks," and most of the money would go into the action scenes. Honestly, it'd just be an action movie where the main character was a redneck banjo player, and the villain was a city-slicker, and it'd be awesome. It'd get, like, a bajillion Academy Awards, and I'd be rolling in gazillions of cash and snorting cocaine off the backs of hookers on an island in the Caribbeans, not paying any taxes. Man, I'd be part of the one percent!

Except, of course, for the fact that I was kinda preoccupied with... my life right now, I guess. If- no, when- I got home, I'd start writing.

Right now, I was sitting outside, sitting with my "girlfriend". Quotation marks necessary, considering I'd known her for less than a week. This wasn't a Disney movie, far as I knew.

"So, what'd you think?"

Almost want to shrug. "Pretty good. Not a big fan of musicals, but alright."

"What? What's wrong with musicals?"

I scratch my chin. Irritatingly, there's a bit of stubble. "Why the heck are they bursting into song all the time? Like, in the scene with the beams, and the duel between the old guy and Vader. Why are they bursting into song?"

She scoffs. "Oh, and how would you have it?"

"More explosions. Less orchestra, less bright and cheeriness," I say, remembering something. "Hey, was there a little black box, bout the size of a deck of cards, that you got when you picked up my possessions?"

"Yeah, you want it?"

"If you would be so kind as to get it and the pair of earbuds out for me, that'd be nice," I say. She digs through her purse, finally pulling out my phone and the earbuds. It's got a couple scratches on the glass, but as far as I know it's damn near indestructible. Soon as it's out, I grab it, turn it on, and wait.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the battery: almost eighty percent, luckily. I turn it away from her, sliding my thumb in a practiced pattern to unlock it. The screen flashes, and the familiar home screen opens up. I grin, plugging the earbuds in and giving her one. She's tentative in putting it in, but a quick assurance of "it won't be too loud" and she's got the little piece of plastic in her big ear.

Start scrolling through the menus, looking for the thousand or so songs I got on this piece of plastic. I grin when I see the folder, tapping it once. A couple dozen songs appear, and I start scrolling through them. Van Halen, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC, the lot of them. I get down to the "P"s, and there's one song I see that makes the grin on my face split open wide.

"Here, listen to this. It'd be the song I'd play for the theme of a movie if I directed one." Soon as she comprehends that, I hit the play button, and I watch her reaction.

At first, it's one of surprise. Must not have heard anything like electric guitars and drums. Then when the bass comes in, she jumps. Soon as the band starts saying "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" she's nodding her head. By the time the actual singing starts, she's grinning. Halfway through she's got her eyes closed and her head banging.

She's almost... sad, when it ends. "I... I liked that. It was weird, though. Never heard that kind of music before."

"Yeah. That's the kind of music I like. Symphonic is good and all, but give me guitars and drums and bass, and you've got me set for years," I say. Then I slip the phone into my pocket, taking the earbud out of my ear. "What kinda music you like?"

"Swing jazz, big band, some classical."

"Not a big fan of classical myself, but there's some swing I like." I stand up, cracking my back and helping her up. "So, where to next?"

"Could go to the park, if you want, or straight back home. Think you need the rest, after that stay in the hospital. Plus, I got a couple questions I gotta ask you."

I shrug, scanning the area around for the two suited mares. They aren't anywhere to be seen, but that doesn't mean they're not there. I'd learned that while hunting, and it was more than anything true when you were stalking deer or stalking people. "Lemme think about it."

Deus Ex: Men In Black Was A Crap Movie Edition

I said park. She said "come on, it's this way," and dragged me by the arm. Got a couple odd looks but at least she wasn't dragging me to the bar.

Soon enough we were standing at the gates of the "park". It looked more like a gigantic garden with statues in it, trees, and fountains. Shittons of fountains and purple-and-gold banners. It was pretty, yes, but it made my eyes hurt.

We both walked in. I gravitated towards the statues. Odd set of rocks they were. Most looked lifelike, especially the two holding the scrolls. Almost made up for the musical-ness of their movies, but only almost.

One of them caught my eye. Ugly bastard he was, looked like every animal from a kindergartener's picture book got together and got freaky. And the horrible mutant orgy baby got dropped in a vat of mutagens, had a shitton of bad plastic surgery to fix it, and then left to simmer in the redneck backwoods with its equally-ugly sister, whereupon its even uglier child got turned into a statue and put up here.

Man, it was that ugly. If it had a statue, that meant it was either really good, really bad, or symbolic. Actually, it might've been modern art, because more likely than not that would... actually, that made sense. I mean, who finds modern art good? It's all just a bunch of squiggles, angst, and hipsters. Contemporary art, too, and it was honestly even uglier than modern art.

"So, who is this ugly guy?" I ask, pointing to the perfect example of contemporary art. Shade stops and looks, some kind of look on her face.

"That's... Discord."

"He's ugly."

"You're right. Something called a... a Draconequus, or something. All-powerful God of Chaos, last I heard."

The grin drops from my face. If there was magic here... maybe he was all-powerful. Or dead, and really famous. The latter seemed more likely. "He looks stoned."

I cock my head to the side. "So you're saying he got out last year, and he wreaked havoc at this Ponyville town, but then the Elements of Harmony, six ponies with magical rock necklaces used their mystical supernatural rock powers to lock him up in a statue, and undo all the chaos."

"Yep, that's the gist of it," she says, face stony. "I was there when it happened."

"For a god of chaos, doesn't sound like he did much damage. If those Elements could reverse it. If I were him, I'd take one of those Elements, assuming they were the only ones who could use it, and I'd toss 'em to the bottom of a lake with concrete on their hooves. If he was one of those 'I ain't killin' anybody' types, just lock the unmagical ones in a cage they couldn't get out of."

Shade gives me that kind of look. The kind of look you get from your normal friend who disapproves of hypothetical psychopathy. "Equestria well and truly could've been destroyed. You're thinking of how to do it better."

I shrug. "Well, he didn't do a very good job of it. I betcha if you give me a couple explosives and a mask I could have the entirety of Equestria rioting within a month. I can assure you, I could do that."

Shade's about to respond, but stops. She tilts her head forward, just slightly, like she's pointing to something behind me...

Ah shit.

"Excuse us, Sir, could you say that again?" says one of the MIBs. The other has a hand in her jacket, a bulge in her side sticking out. Ah fuck...

"Said that if I had a mask and some bombs, I could have Equestria rioting in a month. Be a better anarchist than this ugly bastard was," I say, knocking the pedestal that this 'Discord' fellow rests on. "You got a problem with that?"

"It means nothing," says the other, though I can tell she's itching to pull something out of her pocket.

Fuck this shit. I want ONE DAY of not dealing with this. Fuck it, even if this "I" guy disagreed, I was gonna whoop the ass of anyone, I repeat, ANYONE, who got in the way of me having a day off. Soon as I had a moment to claim

My eyes dart around. No one in the immediate area. Then I turn my shoulder, still seeing no one. I crack a smile. "Anyone ever tell you that you have horrible disguises?"

They look to each other, and when they look back I can tell they're ignoring my response. "Princess Celestia requests an audience with you, and you alone, in her chambers," the first says, pulling something out of her pocket. I tense. "Present this to one of her guards, and they will take you to her chambers."

I look at what she's holding: it's a little disk of some brassy substance, a stylized sun embossed on it. I snatch it, giving the MIB a dirty glare. "When do I have to talk to her?"

"Before the wedding of Shining Armor and Cadence. Preferably tomorrow."

I groan. "Y'know, I expected a bit of relaxation for being a hero. Can I do it the day after? I'd like to get a good night's sleep before getting embroiled in politics, or whatever else you Mares In Black want of me." Mentally, I add a And if this turns into a porno, I'm going to flip the fuck right out and kill everything.

"The arrangements can be made, Mays," the second says.

I smile. "Good. Now, leave. I want some alone time with my lady, alright?"

"We understand," they say, before turning around and walking out of sight.

Soon as they're gone, I turn back to Shade and see her glowering. Before she chews me out, I raise my hands and say, "Look, far as I know, she's probably gonna give me a medal or something." Then I look around, see it's all silent. "C'mon, let's get out of here. Not a big fan of it being silent."

Omake #1: FALLOUT REVOLUTION

[ALTERNATIVE CHAPTER 2]

Call me insane, but I'm fairly certain I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

First and foremost, the fact that the entire area around me looked like it'd taken Godzilla's nuclear shit and thrown that into a supersized Dyson Airblade. Gnarled black trees, no grass on the ground, and a silvery sky. A cold breeze blew, barely affecting me through the thick turtleneck and trench coat.

Second, the metal brace on my arm marking itself as a "PipBoy 3000". I was familiar with the Fallout Series, yes, but... a PipBoy? A PipBoy on my arm? Last I checked I was cosplaying as JC Denton and not The Lone Wanderer. Big difference, really. It was different from the actual PipBoy, in-game, because the radar was on the actual thing, along with the rest of the HUD, but I think it still had the same functionality.

Third, the map said "Equestria" and not America. I'd scrolled around it for a few minutes, seeing such odd names as Ponyville, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, and Manehattan. My phone didn't have any service here, so I couldn't check it.

Fourth, the Stealth Pistol I'd modeled for the cosplay had a lot more weight behind it. Experimentally, I'd hit the magazine eject, and the magazine actually fell out. I'd put it back, holstering it after turning the safety on, but... that was disconcerting. Very disconcerting.

With a sigh, I set a waypoint for this Ponyville place. Before I started walking, I got a message on my phone, despite it not being able to pick up.

I pulled the vibrating piece of plastic out, seeing the notification on the lock screen. It was an unknown number, that much it said.

Unlocking the phone sent me straight to the message screen, where I saw the weird message in its entirety.

WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA.

ALTERNATIVELY, HELL.

FIND FRIENDS, FIND ARMOR, AND FIND A GUN

YOU'RE GONNA BE STUCK HERE FOR A WHILE

HAVE FUN, NECKBEARD.

-CYBERPUNKED

Deus Ex: Sunny Day, Innit? Edition

One day.

One day I’m going to look back at this, and I’m going to say “was I high?” One day, I’m going to write all of this down, publish it to the internet. One day, someone will stumble upon it, and they’ll think “this man was insane, let’s find him.” One day, that someone, whether a dude or a lady, would find me, and I’d explain everything to them, in full detail, just to reward him or her for taking the time out of their day to talk to the local crazy.

Today? Not that day.

It was the day I was supposed to meet Celestia. Spent the entirety of yesterday reading up on politics, science, and sports. Didn’t have time to get in to it, because Shade had said “enough reading, we need to get you clothes for the meeting with the Princess,” and dragged me off to the local mall. I got some nicer clothes out of the deal, along with a baseball cap, but it still cut into the very limited amount of time I had to get situated.

At the least, I’d put on a German accent and grabbed a newspaper. No one messed with a big guy in a turtleneck, especially if he was speaking in a German accent, was reading a magazine, and stood next to a beautiful woman. That’s a fact.

Apparently, there was a coal shortage in Equestria (not enough miners), a gem shortage in some Zebra Federation (yeah, surreal), an Earth pony-specific outbreak of influenza (improbable), and some group called “The Wonderbolts” who were performing in Canterlot, probably for the wedding.

Now? I was sitting on a bench by the entrance, smoking a cigarette, waiting. I wasn’t going to bother with the long line to seek actual audience-style audience with the Princess. The snobbish look of the ponies there, combined with the fact that half of them were looking straight to the ceiling and the other half were chatting about makeup and shit, and I already knew I would flip right the fuck out if I stayed anywhere near there.

Least I’d given one of the two guards at the entrance the token, and I’d told them that I was expecting an audience with the Princess today. They'd looked at me like I was crazy, but when you talked in a German accent and wore sunglasses, just about anyone listened to you. At least I told them I was gonna wait outside.

I took another drag of the cancer stick. The minutes ticked by. Wasn't gonna bother doing much, but damn, I'dve liked some cola. Preferably lemon-lime, but I could live if I got orange.

"Hey," I hear. I turn, seeing one of the hundreds of identical guards standing nearby. "Are you the... pony who saved that servant?"

I can tell he's a new recruit. Or might be an experienced veteran acting like a new recruit. Eh, might as well be polite. "I am," I reply, making sure I kept the German accent. "Whatcha need?"

"Well... uh, we heard that you... uh, got into hoof-to-hoof combat with the mare. Can you show us some, uh, pointers? Our training is kinda... uh, stalled because of the wedding."

Huh. Well, that's not what I expected. Considering it'd be a bit before I could actually see the Princess, might as well. Besides, it'd be a good way to break in these clothes. Shade would beat the fuck out of me, but oh well. Not like I had much control of my life as it was. And honestly, if the training of the guards was stalled because of a wedding, then I felt bad for them. Incredibly badly, if this was their sergeant.

I nodded. "Ya, I guess so. Lead the way, boy."

The guard leads me to a large, open area. It's near a balcony of the castle, but no shade is provided. It's a hundred yards long, fifty wide, with a pair of buildings set up at the end opposite the entrance. There's your standard PT gear, hurdles and tracks and all that, but my eye falls on the group near a section of packed dirt.

Apparently, they're in the section of practice covering CQC. The guard takes me closer to the group, and I can see that they're... very politely boxing. Not the wrestling, tough-guy, "in it to win it" kind of boxing, but the "let's fight like gentlemen" boxing. Holy fuck, the military here must've been a bunch of ass-wads if they thought that'd get them through an actual fight.

The match continues for another minute, the two guards exchanging punches like sissies. Some of the spectators notice me, but pay more attention to the two fuckers in the ring.

I sigh, grumbling under my breath before yelling "You fight like old nags!" in my best approximation of a jeering German accent. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger, whichever one it fluctuated between.

That gets them to stop. Everyone looks to me, some scowling but most wondering who I was. It takes barely a second before one of them realizes that I was "that guy." It's a good thing I can strike an imposing figure, even in a button-up. Crossed arms, sunglasses, a cigarette hanging from my lips, and the action-hero stubble of the Gods themselves.

Someone in slightly more ornate armor walks up, scowl on his very special carbon copy face. "Excuse me, sir, but what in the name of the Princess do you think you're doing interrupting the training of Royal Guards?"

I tilt my head. "Offering commentary, mine friend. Obviously, none ov you have evah been in a real fight, have you?" I take the cigarette out of my mouth, tossing it to the ground before snuffing it out. "My grantmutta couldt fight better than even your best ponehs."

The sergeant looks miffed. "Really? And who are you?"

I grin, rolling my neck so that they can hear the very audible pops. "Darrell Mays? You have not heardt ofv me, yet your Soldatin have. Tell me, have you ever been een a real fight yourself?"

He looks a bit surprised for a moment. "Y-You're the pony who saved that servant? The Darrell Mays?"

I nod. "Andt one of your Soldatin came to me, to show you some 'pointers'. Is that true, Soldat?"

The one who got me nods.

Before the Sergeant can speak up, I'm strolling over to the two largest guards. I point to them and yell, straight in their faces; "Go to the ring andt show me how you fight!"

Almost immediately, they go to the circle of dirt and drop into a combative stance. They're unsure of themselves, that much I can tell. All they're doing is standing there, waiting... And their sergeant is surprised.

"Fight!" I shout. All they do is nervously walk to each other like a teenage couple on their first date. The ensuing sparring match is almost painful to watch.

Thirty seconds in, I decide to stop it. "Quit this nonsense. I have seen more engaging displays from Kleinkinder," I yell. soon as they hear my voice, the two guards stop their pathetic attempt at "fighting", moving to the edge of the ring.

I point to the one nearest to me. "You, out of the ring."

He obeys without question.

Then I kneel down, ripping a handful of grass and dirt before rolling it into my hands. The rest of it I separate into a gritty dust, perfect for the purposes of this demonstration. The odd looks I ignore, in favor of walking to the edge of the ring, dirt in my fist.

There are no words I yell to start the demonstration. All I do is look at the guard, calmly walk towards him, and grin. He's confused, that much I can tell, but not for long when he finds his eyes suddenly covered in dirt. And his ass on the ground, seeing as I got a leg underneath him as he was recoiling.

After the thirty-second fight, I walk up to the greenhorn who got me and grabbed him by the shoulder. He looked a bit terrified, considering a guy a good head taller than him had a death grip on him. "Scheisskopf, never fight a fair fight."

I toss him away, walking off the grounds and hoping to God above I'd be able to play if off as their fault. I'd like to imagine they had shocked looks on their faces, at least.

Thirty minutes later, I was aimlessly wandering. Wasn't gonna bother smoking, because honestly, I didn't want to run out of cigarettes.

Strangely enough, there was a severe lack of nobles waiting to pull the brown-nose routine. A couple were lingering around, grumbling about "Day Court being canceled," or something like that. The guards at the door seemed to recognize me, at least.

"Go on in, sir."

I cock an eyebrow. Really? Must've been something to do with the ass I whooped. Either way, I shouldered open the door and walked in.

Guess who sat on the throne? You get three guesses, and the first two don't count.

Yeah, Princess Celestia, right there. Half-expected her to say "I've been expecting you," the way she was sitting on that throne. Considering there wasn't a single set of guards anywhere, I was going to assume this was something either incredibly important or it was about to turn into a porno.

Either way, I dug some cigarettes out of my pocket, stuck one in my mouth, and lit it up. Might as well, considering I was about to be talking to one of the most powerful individuals around.

Deus Ex: Bluffing To A Physical God(dess) Edition

"Hey, you called?" I say, taking a drag.

She's... looking a bit moody. "Yes, I did."

"Aight. Whatcha need?" I very calmly question, ignoring her response. Really, I was paying more attention to the stained glass windows on the wall. Got some nice... images, whatever you call that shit, on 'em. "But before you say anythin', I gotta say, you got some nice stained glass here."

"...Thank you."

Huh, almost seems I'm ruining a planned conversation, it seems. Chances are she was looking to extract information out of me, but I was a bit smarter than that. Eh, best not to be too much of a douche. "So, what were you were asking?"

"I just wanted to congratulate a hero. Is that enough to ask?"

i shrug. "Well I'd assume that most of the time when you're congratulating a hero, it's public. Y'know, so ponies can see it. Really doesn't work to congratulate some guy in private, and I'm almost certain that the story has somehow been leaked to the media. You got any letters asking for a grandiose ceremony recently? A medal? Heck, even a statue?"

Seems I'm completely derailing the conversation. "No, not yet, though a little bird told me that you were out of the hospital in less than three days, despite having multiple broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a two-inch deep cut from a magical blade. Seems a bit odd, don't you think?"

I take another drag. "You got free healthcare, I'm twenty-someaught years old, and maybe I'm just that good."

She stands up. During my stay in the hospital, I knew she was tall. Now I see that she's at least six inches taller than me, but I don't even bother letting that change my expression.

"Another little bird told me very recently of a 'pony' called Darrell Mays throwing dirt in the eyes of my guards, then walking off without a trace. Also odd, don't you think? You seem to be giving yourself a mixed reputa-"

I hold up a hand. "First off, that was a small mistake on my part. Second, your guards suck at fighting. I mean, you ever put on a disguise and walk around in the seedier parts of town and get mugged? When you get mugged you ain't looking for a fair fight, you're looking to end it as quick as possible-" I take a drag, ignoring the fact that she's slowly approaching me. "-and then you keep 'em from attacking. That's not fighting dirty, that's self-defense. Third, I did it for shits n' giggles. And as you can tell, I'm completely and utterly irreverent about it."

She's... a bit surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. They ask me to show 'em a couple pointers, I walk up to 'em, I see they're fighting like a bunch of old ladies over the lowest-priced crochet needles, and I stop 'em right there. Their NCO complains, but then I show 'em that the point of fighting isn't to be in a fair fight but ending it quick as possible with your opponent down and out-" She's actually cocked an eyebrow, wow "-Yeah, that's my side of the story."

"I... actually don't have any words for that. In my thousand years as Princess, I can say that I have never met a being so... calm... as you."

"Thank you, but I don't think calm describes me. More like flippantly disregarding everything, in my opinion. So, well and truly, why have you brought me here today? Is it about the crazy mare who tried to kill me? It's about her, isn't it."

She... she sighs. Honestly, she was all 'ice queen mode' back in the hospital, but I think it's my kilotons of charm getting in her head. "No. Not at all. The day before yesterday, two mares approached you and gave you this." Then she pulls out the token from somewhere, considering her robe has little in the way of pockets. "Does this look familiar?"

"Yeah, I gave it to the guards outside, told them I had an audience with you, for some odd reason-" ah wait a minute... "-and those two mares aren't part of any intelligence, security, or whatever secret agency you know about."

Must've surprised her with that deduction. "Yes... how did you know?"

"I had a sudden epiphany. Speaking of that, do you have any secret agencies? Y'know, spies and stuff? I'd like to believe so, because the way things have been going my-" fuck, needed to come up with something "-sabbatical wandering across Equestria has taken a turn to the dark side."

Good one, brain.

"No. Equestria has no need for spies. There has never been a need for them."

The ash on the cigarette crumples to the ground. I smash the butt and drop it into a little plastic baggy, reaching to take another cigarette out but finding the little paper container completely empty. "Hey, you mind doing some hocus-pocus and getting me some cigarettes?"

Without a word, her horn glows, and a little flash and weight near my hand make me grin. "Thanks," I say, taking a cigarette out and stuffing it in my mouth, "how do you do that, anyway?"

"Magic. Advanced magic."

Man, here I thought it was gonna be some smoke and mirrors shit. "So, spies and mares in black. Seems they want you and I to work together."

"It seems so, yes. But for what, I don't know exactly. This 'conspracy' among the staff of the castle was only recently brought to my attention." She rubs her temple.

"Same here. Kinda surprising, too, because I was hired to find it." Shit, need to come up with a reason! "Got an anonymous tip, can't say who it was, privacy and all that." I light up the cigarette, taking a satisfying drag and breathing it out my nose like some old-school dragon. "You want one of these? They're pretty good."

She looks at me, a bit odd, though. "No, but thank you for offering."

"Alrighty then," I state, taking another drag. If only I could blow smoke rings... Wait a minute, I just had an idea!

"I would like to learn more about this conspiracy, but the wedding and my duties as princess prevent me from doing so."

"Before you go 'duties to my country' on me, listen up. I'm willing to let you in on what I'm investigating, but for a price; not in money, but in information, equipment, and personnel." Thank god for cigarettes.

Almost feel the room drop a couple degrees. "What kind of information?"

Shit... "Anything I need to even point me in the right direction. Anything I need to land one of the conspirators twenty-five to life in the deepest darkest pit that you can call a prison. Anything I need to bring them in."

"And why should I offer this to you?"

Just need to keep bluffing... "In a day or two, this castle is going to be swarmed with reporters who hear the story. You're going to be busy answering questions, the guards will be busy keeping them out of the crime scene, and the wedding will clog the works of bureaucracy like built-up gunk. Chances are the police are too incompetent to figure it out themselves. That, or they're underfunded, understaffed, and overworked." I take another drag. "An independent third party is your best bet. You give me full access to anything I need, the rats we're hunting'll be out before the preacher can say 'you may now kiss the bride'."

Hesitant, that's how I'd describe her right now. "And how will one individual oust a conspiracy?"

Almost chuckle. "I've got the skills. All you gotta do is trust me. Shake on it?"

She looks at my outstretched hand, for one second hesitating. Then she takes it and shakes it with all the confidence a ruler of the land had.

I grin. "Good. Now, if you need to contact me, you just look for a mare named Summer Shade," I say, turning and leaving before she can change her mind.

Deus Ex: Six Ways To Sunday Edition

Three days.

Shade said I had three days before she could get an audience.

I'd told her the two mares at the park weren't official. She'd just chuckled and said "Your employer has ways to make things happen," and ignored any request for information I had after that. Either she knew about it or it was all an elaborate ruse.

Then she'd asked me how the audience with Celestia went. I told her every detail, and all she'd done was smile and nod along the way. Honestly half-expected her to berate me, but with what she said it almost sounded... planned.

It probably was. Might've gotten on my nerves, but I knew for a fact working for this shadowy organization was better than working for the one that Bitchass McCrazy worked for. And working with the government would benefit the both of us, as far as I could see.

Shade had said she'd some business to attend to, and left. Said I was in charge of the house, but honestly I didn't care that much.

Right now? I was tuned out, somewhere between waking and sleeping, resting on the couch and listening to the background noise on the television. Might as well get as much sleep as I can, because I know with the way my life is going I'd more than likely be chasing down criminals or hunching over paperwork...

"Littlepip," I hear, coming from the television. The name stirs up a memory, something small and inconsequential... that woman...

Waitaminute- Littlepip?

I shoot back into awareness, gazing at the television. Sure enough...

Holy fuck on a stick. You've gotta be kidding me! You've gotta be pulling my leg, you gotta be pulling the wool over my eyes, you gotta be fucking with me, because what the fuck?

It was a marathon. It was a marathon of a show, and I'd caught it halfway.

And it was surreal. Seeing anthropomorphic ponies in a wasteland, shooting at each other, seeing a little woman swear like a Russian sailor, and holy shiiiiiiit that's a lot of blood, and... whaddafuck? Just... just whaddafuck. And it even had an extended universe of books and comics and radio plays.

Who the fuck listened to radio plays? Seriously, who listened other than Baby Boomers?

Was a pretty good show, nonetheless, despite how surreal it was. Only caught about a couple episodes before drifting off into half-sleep, but I'd probably have to watch it again to see just what silliness I was missing out on.

Man, I'd kill for some fried pickles right about now, I think... hold on, Shade never said she didn't have pickles.

Fuck yeah I'm getting me some fried pickles!

Goddammit, Shade didn't have any pickles. Made due with some hard-boiled eggs and hashbrowns, though, which were just as awesome. Was about to put up when I heard a great big crash coming from upstairs.

Fuck, a burglar? Almost want to run and grab the baton from the living room, but that was too far away. I glance around the kitchen, seeing a serrated bread knife. It was in my hand in an instant, though how effective it'd be wasn't something I knew or wanted to test.

I took a deep breath.

"Whoevah da fuck you are, come out right now an' I'll only beat ya to an inch of ya life!" I bellow out!

Silence. Then the lights go dark. I swear under my breath, trying to remember wh-

Oh shit.

Oh shit!

Something had broken into the house, not someone. In the little light from the moon, all I could see was something vaguely humanoid, female, almost naked, with two dull green eyes and insectoid wings and holes in her arms oh god what the fuck was that?

I don't bother looking at it any more. Adrenaline filled my veins.

As quiet as could be with blood drumming in my ears, I stepped forward, knife in a reverse grip. Doesn't look like it can see me, far as I can tell... Just needed to get a bit closer...

There!

I lunge forward, jabbing the sharp end of the knife into her thigh as I full-body tackle her to the ground. She hisses something like a scream of anger and pain, right into my ear, but I grit my teeth.

Before I can knock it out, its horn glows. Soon as can be I find myself thrown off, hitting the fridge with a nasty crack. The pain subsides near instantly, soon as I get up, thank god for natural painkillers. Whatever the fuck it is, it's in some kind of martial arts stance, some kinda... natural claws on its fingers...

Never fight a fair fight!

Soon as that screams into my head I take a step to the side and grab the still hot pot of water I used to cook my eggs. In the split-second I have to decide, I twist my shoulder and fling the scalding hot water onto the bug-pony, watching it hiss in pain.

I cross the distance, the backswing of the pan knocking it straight in the jaw and sending it to the ground. Started stomping on its knees, stopped when I heard a sharp snap and a louder cry of pain. Its horn glowed again.

"Not this time!" I scream, throwing the pan as hard as I could down onto the ground. It lands near the thing's head, making it flinch.

I drop to my knees, grab it by the throat and horn and push it straight into the ground. First sign of resistance, her clawing at my arms to get me off, I give a sharp tug of her horn and throat in different directions.

She's mewling in pain, crying for me to let her go, but all I do is tighten my grip.

"Oh don't try that trick on me. You coulda just KNOCKED AT THE FUCKING DOOR instead of this if you wanted sympathy, but now you've got none," I growl. "Now, we can do this one of two ways. I turn you into the police, where you're detained and held captive in a dark gray cell, two meals of shit a day, where you'll most likely rot, or, you tell me the exact reasons and purpose, everything I want or need to know, about why the FUCKING HELL you broke into this house."

All I hear is a sob.

"You've got thirty seconds to tell me, before I break this stupid horn off and turn your ugly face into MINCEMEAT!"

Deus Ex: Smoked Edition

There comes a point in life when you throw everything away and say "I've had it, do your worst!" The point where nothing will faze you, stop you, or even begin to turn you in a different direction. The point where morality and ethics cease to be, where following the rules is the exception, where nothing short of a bullet to the head would change your mind.

For most, it never comes. For others, it's moments before death. And for a select psychopathic few it was a part of their identity the day they were born.

Me? I might've been approaching that point. This might not have been it, but I could see it, closing in on me like a bullet caught on a high-speed camera. Some day, and some day soon, I'd scream to the heavens and lose my mind.

Today wasn't that day.

I breathed, feeling the adrenaline drain out.

"Get up." I growl, jerking the bug-thing to her feet. Soon as her weight lands on the leg I stabbed she lets out a broken sob, damn near collapsing on me.

In the darkness then? Might've looked stoic, but on the outside I was scowling.

"Fine." I say, taking a hand off her throat and picking her up by the waist. She's hissing in pain, probably from the scalds all over her, but I try to ignore it as I take her over to the living room couch. Soon as I get there, I throw her down, finally seeing the knife still embedded in her thigh.

Immediately, she tries to get it out. Before she can even get a hand on it, I've grabbed her by the wrist, making certain she knew I had a deathgrip.

"Don't. You take that out and you'll be in worse shape."

Slowly, she puts her arms to her side, eyes darting all over. In waiting for her to calm down, I dig out a cigarette and light it up. I take a drag, blowing the smoke up into the air for her to see.

Soon as she's still enough to be considered "calm", I take the cancer stick out of my mouth and give her a stink-eye. "Now, I might not have been in the greatest of moods when you broke in, and I most certainly ain't in a good one now, but I am not needlessly cruel."

She shifts in her seat. "Wha-what do you want? What do you want from me?"

I grinned as fakely as I could. "I want to lock you up in jail. But first, let me ask you a simple question; do you know who I am?"

Something dawns on her face, whether it be surprise or dread I can't tell. "You're-You're that-that-"

"I am. Darrell Mays, private investigator. You've read the newspapers, correct? How they say I stopped a rapist?" She nods. "Well then, I would also like to tell you something the papers didn't; the rapist was a whole lot stronger, badder, meaner, and tougher than you. Guess how many injuries she had when I was done with her?"

"H-How many?"

Time to bluff. "Broke both her arms and a leg, cracked her skull right open, made her bleed all over. Janitors must've had a conniption fit, 'cause I redid the tiles. At least the blood blended in with the red carpet." I took a drag on the cigarette. "And I didn't get out unscathed either. Bitch damn near put an entire flamin' sword through my chest and a cut on my arm nastier than the one on your thigh."

I rolled up the shirt, thankful for the lack of light. Looked like it had reopened at one end, blood dripping down my arm and making it look far larger than it did.

"Now, do you smoke?"

She shook her head. "N-No."

"Good. It's absolutely horrrific for your health, and I really don't like doing it myself, but do you want to know some fun facts? About smoking, if you want to."

She's still.

"There are over four-hundred chemicals in this cigarette. The majority of them are hilariously toxic, but not addictive. The thing that gets you hooked is nicotine," I state, showing her the half-burnt stick of paper and tobacco. "Tobacco is another big ingredient, considering its effects on the body. Also very addictive."

"W-why are you telling me this?"

"Ah, because I can. And you never said 'no', did you?" I take one last drag, blowing the smoke into the air before letting her see the still-orange tip. "Now, how hot do you think the end of this is? Hot, very hot, or fucking hot?"

"H-hot."

The fake grin is still on my face. "You are correct. The end of this can hit some real high temperatures. Five-hundred degrees Fahrenheit, I believe. This one is probably sitting around three-hundred. Still enough to give you a nasty burn."

It dawns on her then. I snuff the cigarette out, showing her the pack of I'd just dug into. "Y-you wouldn't!"

"No, no I wouldn't. But the mere idea of it got under your skin, didn't it? The fact that I could even come up with something like that should tell you all you need to know. I'm not needlessly cruel, nor unfeelingly cold, but I do see the advantages of a... rougher treatment."

The bug shrinks back. "D-don't hurt me! Please!"

The chuckle that comes out of my mouth must've sounded real villainous. "You would clam up if I did."

I take one last drag. "Now, you will tell me everything I want to know. As soon as I have exhausted every possible option, then we will talk of what happens to you. Can we agree on that?" I ask, extending my bloodied hand.

Her face screams that she doesn't want to do it, but the fact that she shook it anyway put a grin on my face. I'd rather not do anything other than talk, because... I had to face it, I wasn't an action hero. I couldn't bring myself to do... that.

"So, first things first, what's your name?"

Deus Ex: Shocker Edition

"P-Petina," she stutters.

I cock my head to the side. "Petina, you say?" She nods. "Well then, Petina. My next question should be simple. What are you, exactly?"

"A... A changeling."

Changeling, huh? "And what's that? What is a changeling?"

"M-My... my kind. W-we replace p-ponies a-and f-f-feed o-on-"

Oh, this was interesting. "Feed on what? Blood, life energy, souls?"

She gulps. "L-love."

All you need is love, I muse. "Love. And what were you aiming to do, breaking into this house? Replace me in my sleep and feed off my housemate's love for me? You know the relationship is strictly professional."

"I-I didn't know! I saw y-you two th-the other day a-and I th-thought that y-you'd be a-a-a-an e-easy t-target!"

"You do know I've got ties to some powerful ponies, not just the princesses and the guard. The mare you saw me with, do you know her name?"

Petina shook her head.

"Shade. Does it ring a bell?"

Another shake of the head.

Time to bluff. "Remember how I said I was tough? She could break me in half without breaking a sweat. Imagine what she could do to you, a pathetic, sorry excuse for a criminal. And guess what?"

"W-what?"

"She could do it all in the comfort and safety of her own home, because she doesn't answer to the Princesses, nor the guard or the police. What you don't know at all is the fact that I couldn't care any less about the law. We aren't individuals you want to mess with."

Another gulp. She shrinks back into her seat.

I roll my neck, feeling and hearing a satisfying pop-pop. Petina looks at me like I'd just cut my head off. "Now, tell me, how many more of there are you?"

Of course. Of course.

If this was the conspiracy that Duvet was talking about, then I'd just hit a jackpot of information. Illegally-acquired information, but it was info nonetheless. Besides, exposing a half-dozen would get the public riled up. And when the public's riled up on an issue, the police always respond.

Always.

Her... skin, chitin, whatever it was, had started to blue. The knife in her thigh was definitely taking its toll on her blood, oozing green fluid slowly spreading onto the couch. Breathing had sped up, she'd grown cold, and once or twice she'd even lost consciousness. Her answers had grown dull, slowed, and she was a lot less... responsive. Didn't help I'd kept her leg down, letting the blood flow unimpeded.

"Lay down," I grunt.

A second, and she flinches, before laying down real slow. "W-why."

"You'll see in a moment."

I take my button-up off, tearing off the sleeves. I hand the bloodied piece of cloth to Petina.

"Bite down on this. What I'm about to do is gonna hurt like the dickens but it'll save your life."

She nods, shakily as it is, slowly folding the cloth and biting down as hard as she can.

Soon as I see that, I grab her leg with the knife in it, lift it up, and elevate the wound. She's screaming into the shirt, hands digging into the bloodstained couch, but the bleeding slows down. After that, it's simple business putting a tourniquet on. I'd gotten her in the lower thigh, nowhere near a major blood vessel, and the knife wasn't that sharp either.

The bleeding stops soon after. She's breathing even faster now, skin still cold, lips starting to turn blue... eyes vacant...

Ah shit.

"Canterlot Police Department. Do you have an emergency?"

"Yes."

"What is your emergency, sir?"

"A mare broke into my house. I've subdued her but in doing so she's gone into shock."

"Where is your emergency?"

"Uh... 2084 Holly Lane. Just south of the intersection"

"Alright, sir, can you tell us your name?"

"William Darrell Mays."

"Alright, Mister Mays. Police are responding and should be there within three minutes. What are yours and the mare's condition?"

"She's-She's in, uh, she's in shock. Clammy skin, blue lips, not responding. I've got a tourniquet near the wound but she's been bleeding for the past minute now. I'm fine, bruising at most, but I've got some knackered ribs and a nasty cut on my arm that reopened."

"Sir, what did you do to cause her to bleed out?"

"Uh, she broke in. Don't know how but she turned off the lights. I grabbed a bread knife cause I was in the kitchen, eating, and when she came down I got her on the floor and, uh, put it through her thigh."

"Mister Mays, police and medical personnel are on the way. May I ask you a couple questions, in the meantime?"

"Sure."

"What does the mare look like?"

"Uh... She's young, real young. In her teens, I think. Got a weird condition, though. Makes her look like... like a bug."

"Like a bug? Can you explain further, sir?"

"Yeah, yeah- she's not got, uh, a, uh, coat, and her skin feels like the outside of an insect. Got bug eyes, and weird fangs. Wings and a horn, both, but I don't think she can use the wings."

"Alright. Police should be arriving soon. "

"Yeah, I can hear them."

An hour later, I was sitting in the police precinct. The paramedics had taken Petina to the hospital, not questioning the fact that she was obviously not a pony. Nor was I, for that matter.

Guess they didn't do racial profiling here.

Right now? I was sitting outside an office, waiting for Shade to get here. No doubt she'd heard of it, probably through some channel of information. Honestly, I half expected someone to roll in and say 'you did something illegal' and lock me up.

But, seeing as I'd already told them everything they needed or wanted to know.

Now I just needed to wait.

Tired

A man named Jack once told me dreams were the mind making sense of what happened in the day. That when you crept into bed or leaned your head back in a seat it was that impetus in the meat inside your skull to go through past events and look at them again.

I never dreamed lucid, and I never remembered dreams, so I had no idea how true that was. I could remember an odd moon in the sky, one with a face in it, but that was about it.

Man, I'd give anything to be back home. Hanging out with Waldo, making bad jokes, having a good time. None of this shadows and secrets and conspiracy, just a ride down the street in my truck, a beer shared between friends, and a hopeful outlook that we'd get through life okay.

Not to say Equestria was treating me badly. It was, but that wasn't any fault of the inhabitants. Hell, this place was probably paradise compared to back home, but that was it. It wasn't home. Wasn't my home. And soon as I got this conspiracy business sorted out, and soon as I got an audience with "I" or whatever his name was, and soon as I could find a way out, I'd take it.

Right now, I needed to get to that point, and if getting to that point meant paying attention to the mare named Shade looking at me with an emotionless face, then so be it.

"How ya doin'?" she asked.

"I'm good," I say, rubbing my eyes.

"Heard the house got broken into."

"Yeah, it did. Got the one who did it."

"Good. You were asleep when I walked in. I got the papers signed for you to come with me. Police are still investigating the house. We're gonna have to stay somewhere else until they're done. That alright with you?"

I chuckled. "Sure. Didn't even have time to figure out how the shower worked, but alright."

An actual, genuine laugh. No witty response from either one of us, just laughter. Might've gotten odd looks from the others in the precinct, but whatever.

She stopped laughing for a moment. I stood up. "So, sleeping in a motel?"

"Yep."

"Alright," I shrug. Then we both walk out of the station, a clock somewhere striking midnight.

"We're here," Shade says.

I'm silent. The motel, hotel, whatever, is simple. I'm in no mood to complain, barely paying any attention. Shade gets the reservations, drags me over to the stairs, makes me walk up, opens the door, and we both walk in.

There are two beds, thank god. I push past Shade and throw myself onto the one creaky springs. Nowhere near as comfy as even the couch at Shade's but it was a bed nonetheless.

"Hey, don't hit the sack too soon. I got something to show you."

I want to think of something witty but the fatigue creeping over me just cements the fact that I'm tired as fuck. "Whaaaaat?"

She doesn't respond, instead rolling me onto my side. Y'know, i never appreciated just how busty she was, but now I did. Not because she was naked or anything, but from perspective. Thank god I wasn't a furry.

The other thing I notice is the thermos-sized glowing blue tube in her hoof, one that I recognize.

"You know what this is?" she asks.

"Of course. Only reason I snuck up on that bitch in the castle was because of a can another agent gave me."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. what's in this can?"

"I'll tell you as soon as you tell me everything that happened at the house. And by everything, I mean everything."

Deja vu.

"-and that's how I learned that just about everyone of importance in the government, police, and military are actually infiltrators."

Shade is silent for a moment. "He didn't tell me it was this bad..."

I scoff. "Oh? He already knew about this? Let me guess, he couldn't act on it because let me guess this is just another conspiracy."

Shade nods. "I'm going to have to agree with you on that. We aren't as bad as these changelings, but what we do is for the safety of Equestria."

I close my eyes. "But are you really doing a good job of it if you couldn't root out something like this? Insofar, I've been doing all the dirty work, and I don't like it."

My... partner, I guess, sighs. "We're understaffed and we can't operate openly. Ponies wouldn't react too well to knowing there's been a conspiracy under their noses, no matter how much good it's done."

I groan. "Conspiracies never saved anyone. If given the choice between absolute security, absolute privacy, or the ability to start again, which would you choose?"

"Is there a middle ground between the first two?"

"No, not in the question, but there is in reality. But right now, tell me, which would you choose?"

"Absolute security. Keeping ponies safe is my job."

I chuckle. "If you have to choose between absolute security or privacy, I'd say you're better off starting over from square one and seeing how you can avoid either extreme."

She leans back in her chair, obviously in no mood to continue the conversation on privacy and security. "What time is it?"

"I dunno," I grunt, rolling onto my side and looking at the clock. "Like, one o'clock."

"You want that canister?"

That reminds me... "Sure. What's on it?"

She turns it over and looks at the display. "Cloak and Sensor Transparency."

What? "Say again?"

"Cloak and Sensor Transparency."

This was sounding a lot more like Deus Ex by the moment. "Hand it over. I'll decide in the morning."

She hands me the can. I set it on the bedside table, stand up, and take off my shoes and shirt. Wasn't gonna bother stripping to my underwear, that'd just cause a ruckus I wouldn't want, but Shade still stops me.

"W-Why do you have nipples?" she asks, hoof pointing to my chest

I stare at her, then at the offending body parts "I... don't know. Honestly, they're just there."

"You still have nipples."

Sweet Jesus Christ, I know. "I'm going to sleep. Don't ask me about nipples."

Before she can respond, I throw the sheets off the bed and bury myself. Soon enough, I'm drifting off to sleep.

Deus Ex: Early Bird Edition

I woke up without fanfare.

Shade had taken the other bed, and she was still asleep. I slowly got out, slipping on my shoes and the shirt. Before I got out onto the balcony to start smoking, the little thermos of blue nanites caught my eye.

What was on it, again? Cloak and something Transparency... Sensor Transparency.

I grabbed the can, seeing the two buttons, just like... just like the last time, from barely a week ago. Was it really that short of a time?

I'd... I'd worry about it later. Now I just needed to figure out which of these I'd be taking.

Cloak, for all intents and purposes, rendered me invisible. I had Run Silent, and the combination of the both of them basically meant I was free to move anywhere. Didn't work on thermal sensors, though, and it had a fucking high bioelectric drain. And chances were, anywhere important had scanners...

Sensor Transparency... Assuming it worked on magical sensors, would probably be the better option. Chances were that Shade could find me an invisibility spell much easier than an anti-sensor spell. Guards were easy enough to evade, if they didn't know you were there in the first place, but magical sensors... probably be harder to avoid, considering it'd be damn near impossible to see them.

I went with the latter, then hit Automatic Installation. The cord slithered out, syringe at the end, just like last time.

Without a word, I injected it into my arm with a pinch of pain. Coolness, just like last time, spread all over, this time lingering underneath my skin before fading after a minute.

After that, I looked to the display. "USAGE of SENSOR TRANSPARENCY: Remember the mnemonic phrase "Mudbath Invisible." This augmentation as a HIGH bioelectric drain."

And with that, the display turned off. I set it back on the bedside table, rolling my sleeve back down. Needed to smoke a cigarette, clear my mind of jumbled dreams and half-thoughts.

I needed a plan. Needed to make a plan when the day was young and I wasn't distracted. When my mind was clearest.

That much was certain. Needed a plan or my life was going to spin out of control and I was gonna find myself locked somewhere far away before I could get a glimpse of home.

What did Shade say? It was... two days ago. Said that in three I'd be able to see her leader, talk to him, make arrangements. It'd been... fuck, I was having trouble remembering. No... it was definitely two days ago. Tomorrow is when I'd see "I" or what's-his-name, that I knew.

Man, what was Waldo doing right now? Maybe he was worried. I'd been gone for... for more than a week? Somewhere around a week, maybe... maybe two. That's enough time for a missing person's report to be filed, for the entire area to be scanned, but...

All they'd remember about my disappearance would be a flash of light, and the words "what a shame." Maybe they'd think it was something supernatural? Oh I hoped they didn't. And...

No. I needed a plan. Soon as I got this in order, soon as I brought this game of shadows and conspiracy to light, soon as that happened, I'd be off. Going straight back home, getting back to cruising along, leaving all this insanity and surreal situations locked up in the past. Far and away.

I went over the list in my head of changelings at the castle. Chefs, maids, nobles, butlers, cleaners, even guards. I'd passed by them numerous times, probably not paying them any mind... and they'd most definitely been paying me mind, especially with my current status as local hero and private investigator.

Couldn't just stand by and let things happen. I needed to make things happen. And I wasn't gonna pussyfoot around the issue; it was of national importance, and if what Petina had said was true, they'd be acting sometime around the day of the wedding.

The wedding between Shining Armor and Princess Cadence.

I sighed, digging out my cigarettes and stuffing one in my mouth. It was too early to be thinking...

About an hour and an empty carton of cigarettes later, I heard the door open behind me, feet hit the ground, and then I saw a pair of hooves land on the bar.

"Morning," I grunted.

"Mornin'," Shade grunted back. I turned, seeing her in a casual dress. "Whatcha doin' out here?"

"Thinkin'."

"About what? The fact that you have nipples?"

I was silent for a second. "The future."

She looked at me real odd then. Like she was asking me "what about the future?"

"I'm thinking about what'll happen when we find these conspirators. And... tomorrow is the day I see your leader, right?"

Shade nods, leaning her head on my shoulder. I very gently push her off, earning me a disgruntled look. Might've felt nice, and it was, but I still had a preference for my own species. If she wanted to cuddle? She could find someone of her own kind.

"You've been reporting to him, haven't you?"

Another nod. "What are you getting at?"

"Has he told you anything about me? Anything at all? My past before coming to Equestria, specifically?"

She cocks an eyebrow. "He told me you were some kind of master of disguise. And that you weren't really a pony. That you could be trusted to carry out a mission. That's about it."

"What did he tell you I was?"

"Just that you weren't a pony."

I sighed, leaning forward and rubbing my head. "Good, good. The less you know about me, the better. Maybe we can socialize more when we're done, but right now, we've got some information to collect. On Changelings."

It's A Bad Habit...

Was a dark night in Canterlot.

Streets were near empty, considering I was in Downtown. About one or two people walked, most of their eyes landing on me; messy me, in a white long-sleeve shirt, black cargo pants, and a hoodie with the hood up. Looked completely out of place, but it'd be easy enough to shed the disguise if anyone saw me.

The mark? Someone I'd watched and stalked the entire day; an otherwise completely normal stallion except for one fact.

Shade had informed me that a guard's armor was enchanted to make the guard look exactly identical to his peers. Some illusiony stuff or what not, but I got the gist of it; put the armor on, you become the same as Number Eighty-Three or whoever. Simple stuff, seeing identical guards going into the barracks and most-definitely non-identical ponies coming out, save for one.

This guy? I stood a head taller than him, but I was under no illusion that he would whoop my ass given the chance. Those guards I knocked around were rookies. This guy? He was probably a sergeant, going by the armor, and he was definitely aware of my presence.

Didn't help I looked like a street thug. But soon as he turned into an alley, I saw a chance.

Chloroform, contrary to popular belief, wasn't an instantaneous knockout drug. Took about five minutes of constant application to get a person to fall asleep, and after that you had to make sure the airways were unobstructed. Plus, I doubted I even could acquire chloroform here, especially on such short notice.

The solution? Plan A was knocking him over the back of the head. Plan B was knocking his head into the side of the wall. Plan C? Plan C was putting a gag over his mouth, putting him in a sleeper hold, and then hoping to god no one noticed in the intervening time.

A quick glance. He was in the middle, still walking. The alley was long enough and dark enough that no one would notice if someone was collapsed in it.

I took a deep breath, put on a mask, and thought the mnemonic for Run Silent.

In one hand, I had a baton Shade let me borrow. In the other was a burlap sack just big enough to fit over the unicorn/changeling head of the mark.

Three.

The mark took another step.

Two.

I steeled myself.

One.

He tensed.

Go.

And I ran.

"Is this the guy?"

"Might sound racist but soon as I knocked him over the head he was black."

"How is that racist?"

"Nevermind it, do you have the restraints?"

"No, seriously, how could it be racist if someone is black? That'd be like discrimination because of the color of your coat."

"This is a can of worms I don't want to open, and where the fuck are the restraints!"

"Right here, but I do kinda wanna talk about that 'racism' of yours."

"LEAVE THE FUCKING TOPIC ALONE AND HELP ME! Took me long enough to drag this guy here and do you know how many excuses I had to make?"

"Okay, I get you. Lemme help you tie him up."

"Now that sounded creepy."

"What? Why'd it sound creepy?"

"...Nothing. Just tie him to the chair. Do you have some cigarettes?"

"No. And why do you need cigarettes? They're bad for your health."

"I know that! But am I more intimidating with a cigarette or without one?"

"More, with one, but I can't see it making you more intimidating because you're already bigger than near every stallion I know. Uglier, too."

"Whatever! The point still stands, tie this guy up nonsexually and please get me some cigarettes. And don't think I'll let you get off with that ugly comment, too."

"Fine. Which brand do you want?"

"The one you saw me smoking this morning."

"Which one was that?"

"BIG TOP! Those! Just get me a pack and make it quick. And if you come back and hear me growling, please make the entrance dramatic."

"That seems counterproductive."

"How is it counterproductive?"

"You're acting like an action movie hero. Nopony takes an action movie hero seriously."

"Can you please just get me some cigarettes?"

"Only because you said please."

Shade left the room. The bug thing sitting in front of me stirred to life. In seconds, he'd started to struggle against the binds, but stopped as soon as he saw me. The amber eyes on his ugly face spread wide as dinner plates.

I'd barely had time to change. I kept the black cargo pants but took off the tank top and put on a cheap pair of aviators. A bit of body paint and I looked like some kind of exotic thug, the nicked-and-beat baton in one hand and a dozen feet of rope in the other. Held a half-burnt cigarette in my mouth, the smoke lingering around my head.

"Wh-Who the fuck are you!"

I dropped the rope and took the cigarette out of my mouth. "No one, really, but if you need a name, I'm partial to Page." I growled. "I have a nicotine addiction, a couple just-healed ribs, a nasty cut on my arm, and an interest in Changelings."

He stopped struggling when I lifted the baton and made the motions of smacking his knees.

"Not an interest in you specifically. Rather, an interest in a group of Changelings that I believe are planning a conspiracy against the crown."

"I have no idea what you're talking about! Let me go!"

I cock an eyebrow, pushing the cold metal into the joint. "Really? What do you know about Petina?"

"What?"

"Petina. The changeling mare who broke into my friend's home, while I was there, and attempted to kidnap and replace me. Before that, another mare, disguised as a particularly-attractive earth pony, attempted to rape and assault a servant in the castle who knew of her."

He sputtered. "What? No! I don't know anyone like that!"

Another drag on the cigarette. "Am I to presume you are lying to me?"

The guy shook his head.

"Really? Because Petina, the changeling I captured, informed me of a wide, wide variety of guards, nobles, and servants in the castle who were actually changelings. Including you."

A look of comprehension dawned on him. "Oh. Oh no."

"Oh no what?"

"Shit, shit you got it wrong. You got it wrong."

I raised the baton. He shrunk back. "HOW did I get it wrong?"

"There are... there are a couple different hives in Canterlot. Couple different hives around Equestria. You must've gotten one from the Badlands Hive."

The news hit me like a train. I leaned back in my seat, tossing the cigarette under my boot and snuffing it out. "And lemme guess, you're from the Mountain Hive or whatever?"

"No. Indie."

"No allegiance to a hive?"

"Nope, none. I guess you made a mistake, in that regard."

I sighed, picking up the rope and coiling it. I change the topic. "That doesn't matter. I work for a covert operations group, one dedicated to keeping Equestria safe. The conspiracy that Petina and the servant told me of, it threatens the safety of Equestria. In what way, I don't know. What I do know is that it won't be good. Do you have any loved ones, close friends, workplace acquaintances?"

The bug hesitates. "Yes... why are you asking?"

I slam my fist on the arm of the chair. "Because if this conniving bitch who thinks she's hot shit takes over Equestria, you're fucked, your friends are fucked, and everyone you love is fucked!"

He leans back. "I-what?"

"You heard me, friend. This conspiracy is widespread. Servants, nobles, guards, citizens- the only ones who get off scot free are the collaborators. And I have sources that tell me this conspiracy is going to act on the day of the wedding." I grabbed the rope. "Now, I might have made a mistake and targeted someone unrelated to the conspiracy, but you and the fuckers I'm hunting got a lot alike."

He gulped. I started tying a noose.

"Now, I'm going to phrase this in as succinct a way as possible: Tell me everything. About Changeling biology, sociology, and their calling cards. I am not here to hurt you, only to keep Equestria and its citizens safe. However-" I raised the finished noose, tossing it around his neck like a thick rope necklace. "-it might get messy if you don't tell me the complete, total, and honest truth."

Omake #3: A Hiatus of Deprecation

"Erm, boss, I gotta question."

"What's it, sonny? I've got nefarious planning to do."

"Well, I was kinda wondering- what's taking this William guy so long?"

"So long to what?"

"Well, so long to... I don't know. It feels like he should've caught on to us by now. Like we should all be in the prisons of Canterlot instead of, y'know, uh, conspirating. I mean that's just my opinion, boss, but I kinda wanted to hear your thoughts. The goons are getting a bit restless."

"Conspiring. And I have no idea what you're talking about. William Darrell Mays has been advancing at a remarkable pace. I've been having to do enough work behind the scenes now that I'm damn well in need of a vacation."

"But, if he's burning through so fast, sir, why isn't he already here? I mean the Enlightened have already got him under their thumb, and he's got contacts with Celestia, and he exposed Yua hardly even in the first weeks he was here. I mean by now he should be storming the base with a bunch of Celestia's finest by his side, but... well, I don't know sir. It just seems weird, like there's some kinda weird stuff going on. Do you know what I mean, sir?"

"Lieutenant, what in the world are you speaking of? Mays, in the first month he got here, has already managed to integrate himself into pony society. Others of his kind would be shunned, thrown to the wayside for how they appear. Not Mays- he's even got himself a marefriend! Of a different species!"

"Um... my girlfriend is a griff-"

"Back to your station, Lieutenant. And get me some coffee. We need keep an eye out for Mays and what he does, whether he do it tomorrow or in a week."

"Sir yes sir."