Fili-Second was the fastest pony around.
She could beat Wonderbolts in a race, without breaking a sweat. She could run from a magical portal, grab cupcakes, and come back, all within one second. She often broke records, both competitive ones, and ones that played music (after all, Fili was not on great terms with DJ-Pon3). Fili could race around the world easily, usually withing a matter of minutes. So to say that she was a fast pony was an understatement. But for all of Fili's speed, there was one thing that she couldn't wait for. No matter how fast she went, there was something that she couldn't change.
The cook time on the oven for her baked potato.
Fili had been working on that potato for quite some time. First she had to peel it. A common misconception is that ponies can easily peel things. Some, like unicorns, do find it relatively easy to get the skin off of their favorite starches. Fili was not one of those lucky ponies. Super speed leads to fidgety hoofs. Fidgety hooves led to poor knife handling technique, and poor knife handling techniques lead to mistakes. Poor Fili went through bushels of potatoes before she managed to peel one without mangling it.
Next came the preparation of the potato. Fili had to find a way to perfectly cut the potato in half, then scoop out a portion of the insides. Hours of careful planning led to two scooped out potato halves, ready to be decorated with delicious cheeses, onions, and other decedent foods.
Finally came the realization. Fili wanted a baked potato, not a twice baked potato. So she threw all the work she had done in the trash, wrapped a potato in foil, and shoved it in her oven.
Now all she had to do was wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
And a litt-"Oh come on! What's the point of being the fastest, best fourth wall breaking, pony in existence, if I have to wait in front of my oven for hours?!" cried Fili-Second at the author.
"Umm... would you like me to skip ahead in time?"
"NO! Then you would just confuse the audience."
"I'm talking to a pony that comes from a cartoon within a cartoon. Won't the audience be confused over that?"
"Maybe? Fine, you can go ahead and skip to the time right before the potato is done."
"Okay, as I was saying..."
...and a little more. Fili decided to go for a nice long run while her potato cooked, and maybe do some super-pony things.
---An Hour Later---
Fili heard the small *ding* on her oven timer half way from around the globe. She quickly finished up fighting a new villain, and ran home, just in time to take out her potato. She grabbed some gloves, and extracted the foil package from the oven.
As Fili unwrapped the potato, she could see its baked perfection. It was golden, and crispy. A small gleam appeared on it. Fili shed a single tear. Fili bought out cheese, sour cream, and butter, and lovingly lavished them on to her beautiful master piece. She prepared to take a deep bite out of her potato, WHEN SUDDENLY, A GIANT BEAR ATTACKED!
"OH COME ON! A bear! Really?! Right now!? You couldn't save a fight for after I ate my potato? I've been waiting this entire, stupid story to eat this! Can you hold it off a little?
"'Stupid story?'"
"I didn't mean..."
"Clopfic time!"
"No WAIT!"
Fili found herself in a small, dark room. A gigantic pink wooden heart was nailed to the wall. Lacy pillows were everywhere. Slow, seductive music played over a speaker, and a large bed rested in the center of the room. On the bed, was Hum-Drum.
"Hum-Drum?! You decide to turn this into a clopfic about me and f%$^*ng Hum-Drum!"
"Hey, I resent that." Hum-Drum dejectedly squeaked from his seductive position on the bed.
"What's wrong with Hum-Drum?" asked the author. "He's one of the most lovable of the Power Ponies."
"HES A BABY DRAGON! Who the f^&* would sleep with a baby dragon? Who would fantasize about somepony sleeping with a baby dragon?! May I please just go back to fighting the bear?"
"Will you fight two bears?
"If it means that I can get to my potato, without Hum-Drum, I am totally fine with that."
*CLAP*
Fili stared up at two of the biggest bears that she had ever seen. They were big, and mean, and had large amounts of drool dripping from their teeth. Fili stamped her hoof in the dirt. They drooled.
What will happen next?! Find out next chapter when-"DONT YOU DARE MAKE A NEW CHAPTER JUST SO IT TAKES LONGER FOR ME TO GET MY POTA-"
"F*&^ YOU," Fili yelled at the author.
"At least I'm not like other authors that say they will do two chapters, then never get around to it."
One of the bears took the opportunity to take a swipe at Fili-Second, sending her flying into a building.
"That was a cheap shot, and you know it!" yelled Fili and she climbed out of the rubble.
"Oh, just concentrate on the fight."
"Fine, you really want me to concentrate?"
As the author began to type the scene, he noticed that the two bears were no longer there.
"What happened to my fight scene?"
"Oh you know. I just ran them to the ocean, and dropped them off."
"YOU CAN"T DO THAT!"
"Why not? I'm a fictional character. I can do whatever I want. May I eat my potato now?"
"HMMMMMG. Fine."
Fili trotted to her house, and sat down at her table. She longingly looked at her potato, and picked it up. After staring at the perfection for a moment longer, she chomped down onto it.
And bit into nothing. The potato was no more.
"CELESTIA DARNIT"
