1000 Ways to Die: Equestrian Edition

by electreXcessive

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Random, Sex
Length: 7383

Equestria is full of life. But it's also full of death. All put into one glorious collection for all to see.

Death is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it, most of us can't get out of its way. Everyday we fight a new way against dragons, deadly potions, household accidents, sickness, and buffalo stampedes. There's a lot of ways to wind up dead in Equestria. The fact that we ponies survive at all is a miracle! Because everyday we live we face 1000 ways to die.

Published 2014-05-20 02:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-22 05:18:47 UTC

Goodnight, Don't Let the Hot Tub Bite

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Go Speed Racer

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Dropball [Guest Chapter By Atlas Nebula]

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Love is in-BOOM

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Close Shave

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Close Shave

“Ugh… Cursed razor… Always so blunt! Haven’t I told the servants a million times that these old surplus razors are bad for the skin?” The old disgruntled unicorn looking straight into the mirror eyed his magnificent beard. Starswirl’s beard was the pride and envy of all great magicians. And that was exactly why the princess was requiring him to shave it at this very moment.

Starswirl gave an aggravated grunt and he banged the old razor against the sink, eyeing his shaving cream covered face once more. It would take hours to clean away all of the extra hair from his face. Even then, it would require careful precision to make sure that he didn’t snip any extra off of his coat, or Celestia forbid, make the shave uneven. He sighed and grasped the razor firmly in his magic again, setting to work once more. He’d have to make do with what he had.

“Well, at least it’s just hair… Next thing you know they’ll be asking me to get rid of my robe and wizard’s hat just because it doesn’t fit with the dress code…” He dipped his razor in the water filled sink, removing any excess hair and cream before he roughly began to shave his neck again. “Just gotta be careful… No sudden mov— YEOUCH!”

Starswirl cried out in pain as a sharp knock on the door caused him to cut himself with the razor, tearing off a small chunk of coat, beard, and skin haphazardly. He grimaced as he saw a small drop of blood trickling it’s way down his neck.

“Heavens, that was lucky… Who is it? What is it do you want? Can you not hear me using the restroom in here?” Starswirl grumbled at the mirror. Most powerful unicorn ever to exist and he still couldn’t get any alone time in the bathroom for himself. A few moments of non-response told him that the knocker had realized the bathroom was occupied and had left, resulting in more grumbling.

“Alright, Starswirl… Just gotta be careful…” Starswirl close his eyes before looking up at the mirror and placing the razor once again at his neck. He began to gently stroke and shave himself before something odd caught his eye, climbing out of the ornate bathtub behind him and to his left.

“Sweet Celestia, what is that thing?” Starswirl watched in horror as a clone of himself rose from the bathtub, gurgling and bubbling blood out of it’s mouth as it came towards him. He held the razor out in front of himself, swinging it to try and would off his would be attacker. Still though, he couldn’t help but notice that the hell beast seemed to be desperately trying to communicate with him. He could almost read the words off of his lips…

...Don’t… Back up… Behind you…

Starswirl dropped razor in a panic as he made a move to step backward. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t his lucky day. Though his wits were sharp, the bathroom rug was just one step ahead. Or behind in this case. Starswirl’s hoof caught on the rug, and his clone could only watch in horror before it gurgled its last breaths and crumpled to the ground.

Starswirl felt his hooves go out from under him, as his head made sharp contact with the porcelain sink. Groggy and confused, Starswirl got up and tried to walk, stumbling over to the tub, blood beginning to trickle from his mouth. His horn lit up as he realized that he had once last chance to save himself. He’d have to go back. Just a few moments to before this all started.

In a flash, he was gone with just one phrase floating through his head: Don’t back up. Danger behind you.

Fris'bee'

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Fris'bee'

Pinkie Pie hummed happily to herself as she skipped along the path to the park where she was supposed to meet up with Rainbow Dash in just a few moments. She stopped and stared at the warm summer air, shimmering with heat and causing her to already sweat lightly. This only caused the peppy pink party pony to giggle. She loved summer. It was too bad that this would be the last one that she would ever get to experience.

Her giggling and prancing came to a stop as soon as she reached the park. She brought a hoof up to her forehead, making a dramatic lookout pose as she scanned the horizon, looking for any sign of Rainbow Dash among the crowd. All around her, fillies and colts were playing, though one pair in particular caught her attention. They were tossing a bright yellow frisbee back and forth between each other. Only, one of them had missed. And the frisbee was headed straight towards her.

“Oooh! I got it! I got it!” Pinkie jumped up, ready to catch the frisbee in her mouth, only to miss by just a few inches. “Aw darn it! Don’t worry, I’ll get it!” Pinkie waved down to her new friends, chasing after the frisbee, completely oblivious to the environment around her.

She continued to chase the yellow frisbee up the hill before she noticed something wrong; it was headed straight for a tree, and she wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Raising her forelegs as a defensive shield, she tried to block as much of the damage as she could as she crashed face first into the tree. She sat there for a few moments, head spinning before she looked up.

What she saw immediately caused her to giggle nervously. A large beehive rested just above her head. “Uh… Heh… Nice bees… That was an accident! Please don’t be angry…” Pinkie whimpered, still unable to get up from the head on collision she’d just suffered. It was obvious that she’d jostled the beehive, and there was only one thing in the world she couldn’t stand. Bees. For, unfortunately for the young mare, she was quite allergic to them.

She watched with fearful attentiveness for what felt like eternity, only to see a rainbow form sleeping in the tree idly kick out in its sleep, knocking the beehive loose and directly onto Pinkie’s head.

She only had seconds to scream in terror as a flood of angry bees surged forth. And she was their only target in sight. Her screams of absolute terror lasted less than a millisecond as bees stung her all over, some even finding their way into her mouth. Within second, she was dead, her entire body having swollen up like a balloon, and her throat having closed up, her eyes open in panic as she died trying to get one last gulp of air.

Ponies all around screamed at the sight before them. Meanwhile, high up in the tree, a rainbow pegasus sat, completely oblivious to what she’d just done.

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles [Guest Chapter By Sharky White]

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles [Guest Chapter By Sharky White]

“Honey, is the next batch of bricks done?” Carrot Cake shouted in the general direction of the bakery as he applied a very conservative layer of icing to act as the mortar on his project.

“Just a few more minutes, dear!” Cup Cake replied from the depths of their house.

Carrot grunted and stepped a few paces back to admire his hoofwork. The life-sized gingerbread house was coming along well, despite his frugal use of the icing to hold it together. He knew he could save a few bits by making what they had work rather than spending money on materials they didn’t need.

“It’s looking pretty good, dad!”

Carrot turned to look at his 8 year-old son, Pound Cake, who was sitting a few meters away from the construction site. “Son, I told you to go play somewhere else! I don’t want you to mess up my work.”

“Oh come on dad, let me help! Please?” Pound cake begged, desperate to work just like his daddy.

“No son, maybe next year, ok? I’ve got it this year. If things keep going like they have been so far, I’ll have it done by tonight. Just in time for the Hearth’s Warming Day celebration!” Carrot explained excitedly. Normally he’d work late into the night on this project and be tired all Hearth’s Warming Day. This year he’d finish it on time, and be just as energetic as his family for the holiday.

“But daaaaaad....” Pound whined as he pawed at the ground in disappointment. He was sure he could be a big help if his dad let him. He had wings, after all. He could put the bricks on top of the growing walls without a problem.

“No buts, son. Go play with your sister or something, ok?” Carrot denied distractedly as he began to inspect the walls to make sure they were even. The building was just for show, so the walls didn’t need to be too sturdy. As long as nothing significantly heavy hit them, they would hold just fine for the show. “Now don’t touch anything, alright? I’m gonna go get my ladder...”

“Awww... fine...” Pound huffed as he sat back on his haunches and crossed his legs in front of his chest. As soon as his dad wandered out of eyesight though, Pound Cake’s smile returned and he picked up a brick. “When daddy sees that I can do this, he’ll let me help him finish the house!” he muttered excitedly as he flapped his wings a few times to get off the ground.

The large brick of gingerbread was heavier than he expected, and it was difficult for him to maintain a steady flight as he made his way to the top of the house. He set the brick down carefully, exactly where it was supposed to go. He panted a little as he released the brick, slightly more tired than he expected to be from lifting a single brick. He continued his work, managing to set down four bricks before his dad finally returned. He sat down in the same spot he’d been before and tried to look innocent.

“Didn’t I tell you to go play?” Carrot asked with a sigh when he saw his son. Pound looked kind of sweaty, and was panting heavily. “Hey, are you alright son?”

“Yeah, fine!” Pound shouted nervously, worried his dad would be upset about what he’d done. He decided to just let his father see it on his own.

Carrot shrugged and went inside of the house’s walls to set up his ladder. He continued his work for a few minuted before Pound began to be annoyed. He either hadn’t seen his work, or was ignoring it! He had to make sure his dad saw him helping so that he knew his son could be trusted to work with him.

Pound pondered how to go about that, when he decided the only way was to make sure his dad saw him helping. He lifted another brick, barely managing to lift it this time. He grunted and struggled as he lifted the brick up to the top of the wall his father was working on. He popped his head above the wall suddenly, struggling to maintain his flight.

“Hiya dad!” he shouted happily, moments away from his wings giving out.

“Gah!” Carrot shouted in surprise, lurching back unintentionally... sending him crashing to the ground. His hoof caught on one of the steps of the ladder as he fell, bringing it down on top of him as well. He grunted in pain. He was damaged, but he would be alright.

“Dad!” Pound shouted in shock as his wings finally gave out and he fell forward into the weak, poorly secured wall. It collapsed inward, sending hundreds of pounds of gingerbread tumbling down onto Carrot. The rest of the walls followed suit until the whole house had collapsed inward.

“Dad!” Pound shouted again. There was no reply.

That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Catnip [Guest Chapter By Something_Eight]

Catnip [Guest Chapter By Something_Eight]

It was a lovely spring day in Ponyville, and for the majority of the ponies, this meant being outside and enjoying the weather. Rarity was doing the former, but unfortunately, she wasn’t enjoying the latter.

“Where could she possibly be?” Rarity wondered aloud. “She better not have gotten dirty, it will have ruined all the work I spent cleaning her the other day.” She thought to herself as she searched the town.

“Something wrong, sugarcube?” Rarity was so lost in her internal monologue that she hadn’t noticed Applejack walk up next to her.

“I’m fine, Applejack.” Rarity replied. But when Applejack’s only response was an unbelieving stare, Rarity wrapped her forelegs around Applejack’s neck and broke down in tears.

“It’s OK, Rarity,” Applejack said as comforting as she could, softly rubbing Rarity’s back with a hoof. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Opal… she’s gone missing!” Rarity managed to get out in between sobs.

“Oh no...” said Applejack. She didn’t really like Rarity’s pet that much, but she knew that Rarity loved her, and thus decided that she wanted to help her friend find her. “How long ago was it when she disappeared, sugarcube?”

“About two hours ago,” Rarity replied. “I was looking to see if she took this fabric I needed, but I couldn’t find her anywhere in the house. I’ve been doing all but tearing apart the whole town to find her!”

“Aw,” Applejack stated. “Would you feel better if I helped out?”

“That… that would be alright.” Rarity said, releasing her hold on Applejack and wiping off some of her tears, smearing her eye makeup in the process.

“OK, where haven’t you searched for Opal?” Applejack asked, thinking it would be easier to ask than asking her where she had searched.

“Well… I haven’t searched the Everfree, for obvious reasons. I also haven’t searched Sweet Apple Acres.” Rarity replied.

“OK then,” said Applejack. “We can search Sweet Apple Acres now if you’d like. Big Mac gave me a day off from chores today so I could enjoy the weather.”

“That… that would be lovely, Applejack.” Rarity responded. Even though they had been friends for a good few years now, Rarity was still surprised by how often her friends would give up everything they were doing just to help her out or make her feel better.

“Let’s get a move-on, then!” Applejack said, leading Rarity to Sweet Apple Acres to begin their search.

“OK, you can search the barn, and-” Applejack got out before being interrupted by a loud and, unfortunately, recognizable scream.

“Apple Bloom!” Applejack forgot everything and took off running in the direction she heard her little sister’s scream come from, Rarity following and hoping that her friend’s beloved sibling was alright.

After running about a mile or so, Applejack found Apple Bloom curled up underneath a tree, scared and shivering. Rarity caught up soon after.

“Darling, what has you so scared?” asked Rarity.

“Your crazy cat, that’s what!” Apple Bloom screamed in reply.

“Wait a minute, you found Opal?” asked Applejack.

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said, tears streaming down her face. “I was trying to climb a tree and I heard something behind a bush. I went to go look and then that cat jumped out, growling with some white stuff coming out of her mouth, and she nearly bit me!”

“Oh dear.” said Applejack, knowing what this meant. But when she went to say what it meant to Rarity, she wasn’t there.

“Uh-oh.” said Applejack, rushing off shortly after that little understatement, following Rarity’s hoofprints and hoping that she got to her in time. A scream confirmed otherwise, making Applejack just trot faster.

“Rarity!” screamed Applejack, hoping to catch her before things went South, but when she got there, it was too late. All that was left of her friend were her mangled remains, what was left of her shining white coat tainted with blood, her half eaten organs stranded all over the ground, and white foam coming out of her mouth. The Element of Generosity was no more.

Karmedic Relief

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Karmedic Relief

Derpy flew idly over Ponyville trailing a moving carriage behind her. The way she was flying was obviously haphazard, with her eyes closed, humming a soft soft as she trailed the carriage that wasn’t even closed properly. That didn’t bother her one bit. Not even when she could feel the contents of the carriage bouncing because she hadn’t tied them down properly, causing her harness to rock shakily. None of this could snap her out of her idle stupor as she continued along her merry way, oblivious to the dangers she presented to others and herself.

Meanwhile on the ground below, as certain tiara wearing filly was chatting with her best friend, Silver Spoon. The pair were giggling mischievously as they walked down the street, not paying attention to their surrounding in the slightest. They were both too busy gloating to each other about how much they hated other fillies, and especially the three blank-flanks that made up the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“So anyways, I totally just took her milkshake and ‘accidentally’ splashed it all in her faced.” Diamond Tiara giggled, thinking back to how she’d gotten the innocent filly down at the ice cream parlor all sticky and gotten away with it without so much as the slightest consequences. She truly believed that she could get away with anything. Too bad for her that this would be her last day walking the Earth. Fate has a way of delivering when it comes to jerks.

The two kept on walking in relative peace as Silver smirked, though she felt somewhat bad about the scene she was seeing in her head. “Yeah, that sure sounds like fun! So… Earlier today, I was helping my dad out at the donation center for homeless ponies…” She stopped walking as Diamond stared at her in both shock and disgust before she spat at the ground.

“That’s what you do all day? I thought we were supposed to be trying to make life a living hell for those three blank flanks!” Diamond Tiara huffed, stomping the ground and throwing a mini temper tantrum. Neither of them heard the snap from above as a poorly hitched carriage carrying a piano and several other extremely heavy objects broke off of an oblivious pegasus’ back.

“Hey, Silver, do you hear something? It sounds like something’s…” Diamond barely had time to look up as the several ton vehicle slammed down on her. Silver Spoon stared in shock as her childhood friend exploded in a mess of blood and gore, splattering both her and everything around for several yards. Silver started to twitch as she felt something slide down her forehead and slowly come into view. It was Diamond Tiara’s ear.

Silver Spoon promptly fainted.

High above, a grey pegasus continued, eyes closed, oblivious to the lack of weight present on her back. For all she knew, she was still on her merry way, heading to a happy couple who were eagerly awaiting their furniture for their new home.

Little did she know that fate had just made a special delivery.

Teleportation for Dummies

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Teleportation for Dummies

Twilight Sparkle sat in the middle of her library, silently making calculations in her mind. Somewhere upstairs, her assistant was sound asleep in his bed, since it was his day off. This made Twilight slightly sad since she wouldn’t have the extra help today, but she couldn’t help but feel that he’d earned a rest after all that he’d done for her the past few days. She’d just have to do what she was about to do on her own today.

She made some scratch marks on the floor with her hoof, drawing out arcane symbols and equations that noone other than her or another particularly gifted unicorn would even be able to comprehend thinking about. A small smile graced her face as she looked at her completed calculations, a sense of pride drifting over her face. She was about to attempt blind teleportation, based solely on visualization of the target area alone.

“I did it!” She blushed, looking up the stairs to see if she’d woken up her little assistant. She heard no sound, so she assumed that everything was still okay and that he was still asleep. She stood up and took a deep breath. “Alright, just need a few moments to prepare.”

She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, counting to three. Her horn started to glow a light purple as she felt herself drawing in magic for the spell, getting ready to teleport. It’d be a short distance at first. Just a few feet in front of her… In an instant, she released the spell and felt a weightlessness take her over for a few seconds before she stumbled a bit.

When she opened her eyes, she was exactly where she’d hoped she would be. A proud smile graced her face as she stretched her legs, marveling at the newfound freedom she felt. It was such a short distance, but she’d finally done it! She didn’t even feel tired from the magical exertion that she’d performed. Instead she felt elated. She wanted to try again.

Somewhere upstairs, a little dragon was stirring. After a few rubs of his eyes and a small bout of coughing, he began to make his way downstairs. There was Twilight, eyes closed, trotting around happily in circles. He could see that her horn was lighting up for a spell and he giggled. He wondered what sort of crazy thing his adopted mother was trying this time. His curiosity was cut short not two seconds later. He suddenly felt short of breath. He suddenly felt heavier…

Spike looked down, only to see the face of Twilight Sparkle sticking out of his body, open in a silent scream as her lungs struggled to find purchase inside his body. Spike tried to breath and figure out a logically way out of the situation, only to immediately fall unconscious and fall on the floor, covering Twilight’s face as she slowly suffocated under him.

And just like that, Twilight Sparkle became the first unicorn to die of fusion during teleportation.

Slipped My Mind [Guest Chapter by Loyal]

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Slipped My Mind [Guest Chapter by Loyal]

Shining Armor hummed to himself as he padded across the room towards his dresser. He had a very important meeting to attend that day, and his uniform had to look perfect. Cadance slumbered peacefully, so he was cautious to not wake her. He reached the dresser and began pulling the parts of his uniform out, setting them aside one-by-one.

Little did he know he wouldn’t be making it to his meeting.

Uniform in-hoof, Shining made his way to the chest at the foot of the bed. He popped the lid, smiling at the multitude of medals and ribbons arrayed there; the product of his long-standing military career. He took a moment to enjoy the sight of the glimmering metal and well-made fabric. He grasped one particular medal for his valor at hoof-to-hoof combat in training and pulled it out, smiling at the reward for his efforts warmly.

Just as he was about to fix the pin to the uniform, though, the clasp popped open and the thin needle fell out of its place, bouncing off of the floor and rolling under the chest.

“Damn it all to Tartarus…” He cursed under his breath. His horn glowed as he lifted the chest up, searching for the pin underneath.

“Oh come on…” The damnable pin had rolled under the bed.

“Honey?” Cadance sounded out groggily from the bed. “What’s wrong? I heard you muttering.”

“Sorry, love.” Shining smiled up at her sheepishly. “I was trying to put a medal on my uniform and the pin dropped off…”

“That’s unfortunate…” Cadance rubbed her eyes as Shining looked down to the floor once more. His horn glowed even brighter as he hefted the chest, trying to shed more light on the pin just past hoof’s reach under the bed. “Can you get it?”

“I think so…” Shining mumbled, pawing at the pin with the edge of his hoof. “Fuck!” He bumped it instead, sending it further into the shadowy recesses of the foot of their bed. “Damnable thing, c’mere…”

“Would you like some help?”

“No, I got this.” Shining felt the pride swell up in his chest. He was the commander of the guard, co-ruler of the Crystal Empire, and one of the most powerful unicorns in existence. “Hang on tight.”

“Hang on? Hang on for wha-wo-woa-woah!” Cadance hastily flapped out of bed as Shining lifted it up off of the ground by several feet. “Shining! Honestly!”

“Got it!” Shining swiped the pin up off of the ground triumphantly, smiling at Cadance. “See? I told you I’d get it.”

“Bravo,” Cadance deadpanned. “Now put our bed back so I can go to sleep.”

“Alright, alright.” Shining backed away and cautiously set the bed down, smiling warmly at his wife. “Sorry, love…”

“Just glad you got your pin, darling. Have a good time at your meeting.”

“Yeah, no problem…” Shining turned towards the bathroom, smiling warmly. “I just gotta-“ his horn died down…

And the chest fell.

*Thunk!*

“Hmm? You just gotta what?” Cadance yawned. Silence. “Shining? You just gotta what?” She sat up and looked down at the floor, where her husband’s skull had been crushed by the heavy chest.

It must have slipped his mind.

Head Seamstress

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Head Seamstress

“Be good girls, and don’t touch anything while I’m gone, alright? I don’t want you getting hurt, alright?” Rarity looked around nervously, as if somepony were watching her in secret. “And I certainly don’t want you to touch my sewing machine without me here. I don’t want you to break anything either.” Rarity cast a suspicious glare upon Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Most of it was focused on Sweetie Belle.

“Alright, Rarity, we promise we’ll be good!” All three of the fillies shouted in unison, seeming just a bit too rehearsed for Rarity’s taste. Still, however, she was in a hurry, and she had some place to be. With that, Rarity waved to the trio and headed out on her way to Ponyville, locking the door behind her on her way out. The three waited a few moments before chattering together about all of the things that they planned to do that day.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Seamstresses YAY!” the three little fillies piped up as soon as Rarity was most definitely out of earshot from their loud antics. Scootaloo immediately hurried over to the sewing machine while Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom went to collect fabrics for the new costumes that they were planning to make that afternoon.

“Ugh… Scootaloo. Get away from the sewing machine! I’ve told you a million times, you don’t know how to use it, and if it breaks, Rarity will kill me!” Sweetie Belle shot Scootaloo an angry glare, warning her to step away from the machine as she brought bolts of fabric over to the table where the machine resided.

“Come on, Sweetie Belle! What’s the worst that can happen! Your sister uses diamond needles for crying out loud, and she’s had this thing for like ten years! I think it’s proven that it’s pretty sturdy.” Scootaloo giggled, giving the side of the machine a small tap and looking to Apple Bloom for support. Apple Bloom nodded her head and jumped up next to Scootaloo.

“Please, Sweetie?” Apple Bloom asked, giving the best begging eyes she could managed. “We just wanna try it once! Ya always get to use it whenever we need it!”

“Fine. Just once. And don’t start it up unless I say too, okay?” Sweetie sighed, sliding the fabric into the proper place. She didn’t realize that a part of her mane was in the way. “Alright, go!”

In an instant, the needle began hammering away, and Sweetie began to scream bloody murder as it pounded her mane, sewing her hair into the fabric and bringing her head closer to the working needle. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both panicked before they turned their head to the opposite side of the machine, the strange gurgling sound they heard disturbing them.

Sweetie’s head was being repeatedly pounded with the needle as it drilled it’s way into her skull, smoke rising from the machine. Within a few moments, Sweetie was gurgling blood as the diamond needle mashed her brain into mush, garbled baby talk escaping her lips as her two best friends stared on in absolute horror.

But… You see, that’s the sort of thing that happens when you don’t follow directions, kids. Karma always finds a way to get ahead.

Road Trip

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Road Trip

Trixie grumbled silently to herself, disappointed at being so petty in her previous encounters with Ponyville. It wasn’t like she wanted to be hated. Though she felt that she probably could have done with a little less boasting and humiliating of audience members. Trixie sighed, looking back to the travelling wagon that she always hitched to herself whenever she went on the road to her next show. It was her mobile home, so to speak.

With each bump, Trixie shivered. She felt the wagon shudder behind her, and it felt as if at any moment the whole thing would just come apart and she’d be forced to continue on, technically classified as homeless. Trixie shook her head to rid herself of such dark thoughts, inwardly wincing as she felt the wheels rock and shake, threatening to buckle under all of the weight they carried.

“Just a little more, Trixie. Then you can pack up for the night and get out of this Celestia forsaken harness…” Trixie thought out loud, trying to encourage herself and ignore the splitting pain that she was feeling in her back. She’d been travelling for hours now, and she didn’t think she could go on much longer.

Just as she was about to give up, Trixie found a patch of flat land. And then her front left wheel collapsed, sending the cart tumbling to the ground. She groaned. She would just have to fix it herself then and bunk here for the night. She could get it professionally done when she reached the next town over. Unfortunately for Trixie, her instincts about wheels were right.

Trixie lifted the front cart up in her magic, removing the wheel and getting under the cart to make sure none of the axles were damaged at all. She sighed, seeing that the one that held the broken wheel had also snapped and that she’d have to repair it. She fished around for a few moments before selecting a rather strong magical adhesive. It would have to do for now.

She climbed underneath the wagon, trying to manipulate the axle into a position where she could properly apply the adhesive as she held it in her mouth. Trixie’s eyes shot open wide as she felt the wagon shudder once again. She’d have to finish fast.

What Trixie couldn’t see, was that just behind her head, the other two wheels were about to give out after years of hard work, and a long time without maintenance. Suddenly, she heard a sharp crack behind her, followed by a lurch. It wasn’t much, but as the wheels gave out and the wagon started to tilt, it was just enough to make her lose her grip on the front of the cart. Trixie screamed in terror for about a second before a hideous squelch echoed throughout the empty area she was in and her blood began to pollute the road.

After all, it was only a matter of time till her road trip came to a crashing halt.

Bad Trip [Guest Chapter By ThisisDoge]

Author's Note

This is a collection of min-shorts all 500-1000 words in length, each detailing a tragic death in Equestria. Updates will come five a day with three original chapters, and two guest chapters. Should anyone wish to submit a guest chapter, PM the author or comment a link to a google doc. And yes. It will have 1000 chapters.

Bad Trip [Guest Chapter By ThisisDoge]

Vinyl Scratch was a celebrity, and like most celebrities, she was an addict. Because she was an addict, that often meant raging drug parties and long nights of terrible decisions. This was one of those nights.

"Ahhh yeah, that felt good!" Vinyl Scratch was hunched over her coffee table, using a drug called M.I.D, short for the term ‘magically induced drug’. M.I.D is a rock that works by stimulating the brain of unicorns and causing them to feel a magical rush, and a feeling of immense power and superiority that are impossible to find anywhere else. The magic will then sink into the brain and stay there leaving a type of high but the unicorn won't be able to control her magic. As Vinyl stood over her drug-induced state, she decide she needed more of the high. For the next few days she tried different tactics, to make her high last longer. She tried grinding it up and snorting it. Eating it wouldn't work because the M.I.D will cause vomiting. After a few days of experimentation, she’d finally had enough. She set out to find the one thing that all drug users strive for: the ultimate high.

"That's it!" She yelled while getting up. For the past ew days Vinyl wasted almost all her money trying to get more high, now she had enough, walking over to her pantry, she pulled out a needle. Grinding up the M.I.D she added it in a juice of Cocaine, Cannabis, LSD, and M.I.D. Putting the liquid in a needle she proceeded to walk to her couch to inject it. While walking to her couch she tripped on her rug. Falling forward, she landed on her needle, injecting the drugs into her heart. Rolling on her back, she peered at the needle a grimace on her face, then replaced by a smile, while the drugs ravaged her body. What she didn’t realize, was that in her drug induced stupor state, she had forgotten to tap the needle to make sure that there were no air bubbles present in it.

Her eyes shot open in surprise as a bubble of air was injected directly into her heart, causing the flow of blood to be disrupted. It didn’t matter. She was too high to even notice the fact that she was quickly rushing to her end. Within minutes, she was lying on the floor, dead, with the needle still embedded in her chest and a goofy grin on her face, as if she’d just won the lottery.

This had set out to find the ultimate high with a highly illegal drug. But in the end, all she ended up getting was a bad trip straight to the afterlife.

No Laughing Matter [Guest Chapter By CarbonBandit]

“Alright girls, Who’s ready to PARTY?!” yelled Pinkie Pie excitedly, raising two hooves full of balloons. “I’ve got party hats, and board games, and yummy snacks and cakes, and oooooooh this will be so much fun!” squealed Pinkie hardly containing her excitement. “What should we do first?”

“I think we should all have some pie” said Mr. Turnip in his usual slurred speech.

“Ey, that sounds like a great idea Turnip, Hey Pinkie, bring out some pie!” called out Rocky insistently. Pinkie could tell that her friends were becoming restless, but the pies wouldn’t be ready for another 15 minutes. She didn’t want to disappoint her guests, so she would have to think fast.

“Ooh, how about a game?” asked pinkie desperately. Maybe if she could distract her friends with a fun activity, maybe they would forget how hungry they all are. “ I have pin the tail on the pony, duck duck goose, musical chairs,. . . “ continued Pinkie.

“Dreadfully sorry to interrupt, however, these activities do sound absolutely dreadful. I would much prefer to consume one of the delicious pastries that you have prepared.” chimed in Sir Lintsalot, “If you would be so kind as to bring out the pies, I would be very grateful.” Distracting the guests wasn’t working, and pinkie was running out of ideas.

“How about jokes? Everypony loves a good joke.” asked Pinkie Pie desperately. Her friends all looked to one another (as much as any inanimate object could look at someone) in complete silence. The room fell completely silent as the four friends considered the proposal. All stayed quiet, until Madame LaFleur finally spoke up. “Oui, a good joking game sounds absolutely marvelous.”

Pinkie let out a large sigh of relief, now all she needs to do is keep the jokes going for another 10 minutes. “Okie Dokie, who would like to go first?” asked Pinkie with a renewed sense of excitement in her voice.

“I’ve got a good one Pinkie” called out Mr. Turnip. “What does 2+2=8, and a left hoof have in common?” All eyes turned to Pinkie as she attempted to solve this most challenging riddle. After minutes of thinking, Pinkie finally caved and asked for the answer. “They both aren’t RIGHT.” said Mr. Turnip with a slight chuckle. Pinkie Pie let out a slight giggle. “Good one Mr. Turnip, you really had me for a moment.” congratulated Pinkie. The joke was definitely good, but nothing too funny.

“Alright, who is next?” asked Mr Turnip “Who thinks that they can come up with a better joke than me?”

“I’d like to give it a shot.” called out Madame LaFleur, “ Why did the poor earth pony ask a pegasus for help?”

“Ooh, I know this one!” yelled Rocky excitedly. Once again, all eyes turned to pinkie pie. Her face twisted in various expressions as she attempted to figure out the joke.

“I give up, why?” asked Pinkie

“Because he wanted some CHANGE in the weather!” answered Madame LaFleur barely able to control her own laughter. Pinkie immediately burst into laughter as she slammed her hoof on the table repeatedly, tears began to roll down her face as she slowly regained her composure. Looking to her clock she smiled realizing that the pies would be ready in a short five minutes.

“That was absolutely hilarious Madame, great work.” said Pinkie with a smile on her face.

“Alright, now it’s your turn Rocky” said Mr. Turnip

“OK guys, I’ve got a joke that’ll really knock your socks off. Why does Peter Pony always fly wherever he goes?” asked Rocky with a cold stony smile. “Because he Never-Lands!” The entire room suddenly burst out in laughter. Pinkie threw her head back in an uproar so loud that the house seemed to shake.

“Please. . . don’t. . . . I can’t breath. . . too funny.” cried Pinkie between laughter, gasping for each breath. Her cries continued for a few more minutes, before she slowly began to gain her composure. “Wow Rocky, that was absolutely hilarious. I’ve never heard a joke that good, I was laughing so hard I could barely breath!” congratulated Pinkie Pie. “How is it that a joke could be that funny?”

“Because it Never Gets Old.” answered Rocky. Pinkie’s eyes widened instantly once that last sentence was uttered. The room fell utterly and completely silent as Pinkie began to twitch. Never Get’s Old. . . . Never Get’s Old. . . the words repeated themselves in Pinkie’s head as her pupils shrank to the size of a pinhead. The corner of the mouth twitched slightly as she attempted to keep a straight face. In the end, keeping a poker face proved impossible. Like flicking a light switch, both halves of the joke connected together to form the worlds funniest joke. With a sudden yell of laughter Pinkie cried out “THE JOKE NEVER GET’S OLD, BECAUSE NEITHER DOES PETER PONY!”

Pinkie kicked her legs out in a fit of joy pushing her chair backwards and launching herself onto the floor. In a fit of extreme laughter, she began flailing her arms and legs in complete calamity. She began rolling accross the room hugging her sides as a splitting pain shot through her body. No matter how much she tried, she could not stop laughing. “Too . . . Funny. . . Can’t . . breath.” yelled Pinkie with a pained smile on her face. Through heavy fits of laughter, you could almost hear small cries of agony escape from the ponies lips. Tears poured from her eyes as she continued to roll on the floor clutching her sides. Soon minutes passed, her head grew heavy and her vision began to blur as blood rushed to her head. Unable to control her laughter, she was slowly being deprived of oxygen. Becoming aware of this only caused her to roll and panic more violently.

With a final cry, she turned over to her back as her (now purple) face settled still, frozen forever in a perpetual smile.

“Wow, would you look at this one, looks like asphyxiation.” stated Sherrif Hooves as he walked about the crime scene. Looking down at the small purple pony staring and smiling at nothing he felt a small hint of remorse for the small pony.

“Ey, look over ‘ere, this little smutch died laughing, haha, what a patsie” laughed Deputy Dan, pointing at the small body.

“Hey, Dan, have some respect. This is no laughing matter.