Never Say No to Panda

by Big Brother is Watching

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2155

If you say "no" to this Panda and his cheese, you'll regret it, as did all the main characters of the series...

Six Ponies, one dragon, and one thing in common: Panda cheese, or rather, the lack of it. For every time they decline when offered a delicious cheese, they get punished. They learn the hard way that you never say "no" to this Panda.

Published 2014-08-08 05:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-08 05:10:06 UTC

"Just You Know Why..."

Spike heard Twilight's voice call him from downstairs:

"Spi-i-i-i-ike! Would you like some cheese and crackers?"

Spike however, was far too busy in his video game to accept:

"No, not right now!"

Then he appeared.

A Panda, standing fully erect, staring deep into Spike's heart.

And a song began to play...

"Just you know why..."

His dark eyes, staring sadly, asking why, why did he reject him?

"Why you and I..."

His gaze seemed to pierce Spike's very soul, as the sadness now turned into a cold rage.

"Will by, and byyyyyyy...."

The panda began to crouch down to the consol Spike was using...

"Know true love waaaaaayyyyyyysssss..."

And he tore it out, flinging it (and it fell in the pot of fries being boiled in oil Twilight was preparing for herself), and then shoved the television down, utterly destroying it.

However, Spike was too dumbfounded for Panda to be sure if his punishment was fulfilling, so to add insult to injury, he grabbed a bookshelf and toppled it over, knocking all the books down.

As a reminder of his disappointment, Panda gave the books a small kick, and then he slowly walked downstairs.

"Spike?" Twilight called with concern and anger "what's that racket out there? I saw you fling your game thing-y, and -" her own gasp cut her off.

"Spike, you and your games are getting out of control! Since you can't control your anger, I'm not getting you a new game system! You are picking up every single one of these books.  Now."

She finished by saying "and just so you know, you're moving back into the cupboard.  Alliekins on the other hand..." she added, now talking to Alloyisius, "...can live wherever he wants! Won't you Alliekins?"

Spike was merely dumbfounded.  How could Twilight not even see the Panda? Was Spike going totally insane?

He learned this though: Never say no to Panda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fluttershy said goodnight to all her Budgies, her favorite birds, who unlike many of her animals, had the privilege of dwelling in her bedroom. "Good night Angelina, good night Jordan..." she went on with the nonsense-names she given them.  She had the cages all arranged in a circle in her bedroom, so that she could say goodnight to each one easily by simply turning her head (she was very specific about these sorts of things).

Meanwhile, Angel did the first kind thing he did to Fluttershy in like, ever: He offered her some Panda cheese.

"Oh Angel, that is so sweet! But it's really late you know-"

"Just you know why..."

Then she turned, and HE was there!

"Why you and I..."

He seemed to scan the room, and his gaze returned to Fluttershy.

"Will by and byyyyyy...."

And he knocked down a bird cage, which as with dominoes, caused a chain reaction that knocked down each bird cage one at a time.

Then he stomped on one for good measure, before slowly trudging away, wallowing in the misery of rejection.

As for Fluttershy, her heart was broken and frightened, for it seemed as though her Budgies were too, she scurried, searching the room, trying to recover the Budgies, fighting back tears of dread for the possible consequences of this.

Never say no to Panda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

"Hey Rarity, would you like some cheese!"

Rarity was quite frustrated.  Sweetie Belle was constantly finding new ways of bothering Rarity, distracting her from her work.

"No thank you darling, I'm quite alright."

"Just you know why..."

Rarity gasped.  She heard legends, but she never knew they would be proven true.

"Why you and I..."

His stare was cold, and ruthless.  It was as if he was God's Judgement incarnate for her rejection of Sweetie Belle, and far worse still, himself.

Will by, and byyyyyyy...

Panda proceeded to tear all the new dresses Rarity made.  As he felt it wasn't flashy enough to leaving a lasting impact on Rarity, he bent down to get a large bucket of dye and dump it all over the mannequins, dresses he didn't tear, and Rarity herself.  Then it was all over, and they met eyes.  Rarity could hardly bear to look at them, but yet, she felt almost as if she had to.  Panda's eyes were filled with sadness, pain, iciness...and rage.

Then he simply walked away.

As for Rarity, she was devastated; much of her life's work was destroyed in a matter of minutes, never to be recovered.  She could start from scratch, but now it was too late.  Her career was ruined, because she said no.  She sat down - it was all she could do - and tried to hold on to what little hope she had left...

Never say no to Panda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pinkie Pie was giving a fantastic after-birthday party for Gummy! There was dancing, there was cake, there were streamers, there were balloons, and there were games! Of course, Pinkie's state of ecstasy was briefly interrupted.

"Want some cheese?" Mr. Cake offered.

Pinkie snorted and retorted: "Cheese after cake, are you ca-razy?!"

"Just you know why..."

The Panda was affronted; any time was a good time for his cheese!!

"Why you and I..."

Panda picked up a cake, and tossed it to the wall.

Pinkie simply replied, "Ooh, a cake-throwing game!"

Panda realized that he could not get through to her that way, so he resorted to something more simple.

He smacked the present she nearly handed to Gummy out of her hooves, and then proceeded to stomp on it.

"Hey, you just destroyed Gummy's present, you big mean meanie-pants!"

He probably didn't completely get his point across, but it was a good start.  Next time she said no, he'd deal with her later.  At least now she got a warning.

Gummy saw through the torn wrapping that it was a dvd copy of Batmane and Robin.  Gummy was quite glad he didn't get his present.

Still, never say no to Panda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Rainbow Dash rested on picnic blanket with a huge half-empty cider mug with her.  Scootaloo called from behind "Hey! Rainbow Dash! We're pulling out the Panda cheese now!! Want some?" Rainbow Dash was only interested in Scootaloo for one reason: "Is your dad coming now?" Rainbow had been waiting for Scootaloo's father the whole time, though Scootaloo seemed to not know the deeper meaning to that question: "Um, no, he's sick."  "Well," answered Rainbow Dash, "would he like me to come over, you know, um, make him feel better?"  Scootaloo tried to remember to give the exact response her father instructed her to give: "Um, he says he has to work too, and that if you try to ram our garage with a cart to get in the house-" "That was only one time!" protested Rainbow Dash. "- to get in the garage," Scootaloo resumed, "he may have to call those '9-1-1' numbers." Rats, thought Rainbow.  "No thanks, I'm not hungry" Rainbow replied sulkily. "But do you want that cheese?" Rainbow however felt scorned by Scootaloo's father: "No thanks" she said glumly, "doesn't taste good with cider anyhow.

Then she felt a prescence in front of her.  She opened her eyes, and there he was.

Panda.

"Just you know why...

His warm, wet eyes, scanning her heart.

"Why you and I...."

He then gently wrested the mug out of her hooves, and dumped it all over her head.

Rainbow Dash was utterly speechless and expressionless, because of the sheer shock one would feel after a complete stranger approached someone unexpectedly and dumped a beverage all over her head.  Panda, however, interpreted this as not being sufficient enough, so he chucked the cider mug far away, to be smashed against a tree.  However, as it was Rainbow's mug, as he soon quickly discerned, he had to add icing to the cake.

She noticed he had some kind of chemistry set.  From the ingredients, it looked like he was making silver iodine, which Rainbow recalled was a rain-maker used in Cloudsdale, and the solution was connected to a portable pump and hose, with an adjustable nozzle.  He proceeded to pump the silver iodine and fire it at the low-level clouds under Rainbow's control, creating a rainstorm.

All the other ponies ran away, squealing as they always did in a panic, except for Rainbow, who could only watch in shock.  Panda gave her one more long glare, before slowly walking away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applejack had worked so long and hard, and Apple Bloom ran up to her "Hey AJ! Wanna cheese sandwich!"

"Naw sis, Ah'm lactose intolerant!"

Then HE appeared...

"Just you know why...."

Applejack did not recognize the Panda that stood there.  But something about his gaze told her that judgement was coming, and though she wouldn't like it, she would deserve it.

"Why you and I..."

Then with untold rage, Panda pushed the applecart.  It rolled downhill until it collided into the barn recently rebuilt by the Apple family.  The destruction was incredible; the chickens were crushed, with only so many survivors, running amok in a panicked frenzy,  and the hay became a thick dust.

He scanned the horizon.  He thought to himself almost sadly, that the punishment was not fitting enough.  He knew what he must do, though he was nearly reluctant to do it.

He picked up an axe to top it off, and he began hacking at what was the best apple tree in the orchard.

Never say no to Panda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey Twilight!" Spike shouted.  "Want cheese and crackers?"

Twilight was touched; Spike took such good care of her, even though he had moved back into the cupboard (in fact Twilight's twisted mind was thinking of more ways to discipline Spike so that he would love her more, since discipline seemed to bring out the best in him), but she had to decline.

"No thanks Spike, it's really late, it won't be healthy for me to eat this late."

Little did she know that Spike was conducting an experiment to prove to himself that he was not crazy.

Then he appeared.

A Panda, standing fully erect, staring deep into Twilight's soul.

And a song began to play...

"Just you know why..."

His dark eyes were cold, and ruthless, as if to return the coldness she expressed to his cheese.

"Why you and I..."

The panda began to lean towards a bookshelf, supporting itself with its hands...

....and toppled the shelf.

Twilight was smothered in books, struggling to get out.  Finally, she rose from the pile and from the broken shelves, spitting out pages, and just when she thought it was over, she saw the panda had a lighter.

She wanted to protest, but somehow, she couldn't.  It just couldn't leave her mouth, as if something within her was telling her that she deserved this, that though she would never like it, consequences were to be had, a price had to be paid.

So he ignited the lighter, and dropped it on the books that trapped her.

Never say no to Panda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Princess Celestia was slightly concerned; she hadn't received a letter from Twilight in over a week, nor Spike.  She was certain maybe they were busy or just having fun;  what was immediately visible to her, however, was that there was apparently a massive fire in the direction of Ponyville.  Her heart weighed her down with more fretting when she thought about it.

Then, she got a letter, whom she knew from the magic patter came from Spike and Twilight.  But this letter was cryptic, for all that was written was this "NEVER SAY NO TO PANDA".  What was really strange was how sloppily it was written, and the substance used to write it didn't appear to be ink; it looked in generally red hues, some of which were almost violet, and others of which were almost brown.  In fact, if Celestia didn't know any better, she would have swore it was written in blood.  Her spine tingled as she sniffed it: It smelled like blood! She immediately worried! Twilight or Spike cut herself or himself...but why? she wondered.  Dreading the answer, she still quickly began to write a hasty letter in response, expressing all her concern for Twilight and asking many short questions.  While she was writing, she was interrupted.

"Your Highness! The Panda Cheese you asked for!"

"I can't have cheese right now!" she snapped, "my student is probably in-"

"Just you know why..."

THE END....

....Or is it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Far away, in another world....

A story approver got an unusual notification.  It was a rather ridiculous fiction that tried too hard to be funny and too hard to be dark at the same time, that involved a psycho Panda violently punishing everyone for turning down Panda brand cheese.

I can't accept this, the story approver thought, as he prepared to send a note to the author explaining how it wasn't acceptable.

But then, he heard something behind him, a song playing, to be exact:

"Just you know why..."

Trembling, he turned to see what was behind him, though in his heart he already knew...

....And that's how this story made it to FIMFiction.

End Theme: "True Love Ways"

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