Chapter VIII: Merry Motherfucking Hearth's Warming, Anonymous (Part Two)

Written by:

Hideo Kojima
MarineMarksman
Broseph Stalin

Edited by:

Semper Fidelis

“NIGGA, WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

“OW BITCH!” you screeched as you awoke, recoiling away from the unicorn who had shouted into your ear, “I HAVE A HANGOVER, CAN YOU FUCKING NOT?!”

The mare flashed you a cheeky grin. “Sorry bruh, I just get really excited on Hearth’s Warming.”

You forced the sleepiness out of your eyes and groaned. “Say what now?”

“Hearth’s Warming, nigga. Remember?”

“Oh yeah… OH YEAH! IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS!”

“FUCK YEAH, BRO!”

“FUCK YEAH!”

“Would you two keep it down!?” the stallion across the room shouted.

“Shut the fuck up, Grey!” Lyra shouted. “Where the presents at? SHOW ME THE PRESENTS.”

“The fuck you on about, there aren’t any presents. Calm down, you Down’s syndrome baby.” You rolled your eyes at the pony and clutched at your head.

“If there aren’t any presents, then how do you explain those full stockings over there?” With a gigantic grin, Lyra magicked over the four stockings that had been hung on the mantlepiece.

“Wait, I thought Twilight only brought three stockings?” you asked, skeptic. “Who the fuck filled them?”

“It was Starswirl the Bearded, Anon!” Lyra shouted in your face. Your head throbbed in hungover pain of a thousand knives while you glared at the horse. How she wasn’t utterly hungover as well, you couldn’t fathom.

“Starswirl these nuts, nigga. I bet Twilight snuck in here early in the morning or some shit and filled them.”

“Doubtful. I went to piss about an hour ago and she’s knocked the fuck out. Someone should probably go wake her, too.” Grey stretched out his back as he shrugged the towel off of himself that he had used as a makeshift blanket. “Fuck, it was cold last night. But I guess you two wouldn’t know, you were practically wearing Lyra like a blanket.”

Lyra blushed profusely as Grey eyed her down, but you walked over to the fridge to grab the last holiday beer.

“Nah, fam, we said no hetero, so it was all normal like.”

“I bet.” Grey smirked as you popped the beer open.

“I’ll go wake up sleeping beauty so that we can get this fake ass present shit started.” You sipped your beer, ignoring the arguing voices of both Grey and Lyra as you moseyed down the hall.

“Ayyyyy!” You shouted aloud as you burst into your bedroom. You tripped on an empty bottle and did a half somersault into the side of your bed. Your head throbbed as you hit the bed frame, but luckily, you hadn’t spilled a single drop of beer. You popped back up on your feet and stared at the sight that laid before you:

Twilight was laying on her back, spread eagle, the sheets twisted and bunched up at her lower hooves. Her upper half was smothered in pillows and you spotted her snout sticking up among the fluffy mounds, mouth hanging open and snoring lightly. A wing stuck itself out at an angle from the other side of the bed.

“Sparklebutt, wake the fuck up!” You half-assedly yelled. You got no response, but that didn’t surprise you. Getting a dumb idea, you climbed partially up onto the bed and began to undo your pants, whipping your partial chub out from the split in the front of your boxers. As you began to stroke yourself off, the talk you and she had last night came bubbling up to the front of your mind. In a rare moment of clarity, you sheathed your sword and decided to try a less erect, err... direct approach.

Instead, you lifted your beer bottle near her nose. Tipping it gently, you let a small stream of beer trickle out and land in her open mouth. It only took a moment before all hell broke loose.

As you were overcome with an insane fit of laughter, you watched as the pony went from docile and comatose to a whirling fit of coughing, flailing wings. You were knocked on your ass by bucking hooves and you heard as Twilight’s cries went from surprise to pain.

“WHAT THE- Oh my CELESTIA, my FUCKING HEAD!” The pony shot a hoof up to the bridge of her nose as she wailed in agony. You continued to laugh your ass off as you lifted the pillow that was covering your bro’s face.

“Morning, Sparklebutt,” you said, flashing the mare a cheery smile.

“Anon? Why the... ergh… why does my head hurt so much?” She looked you over with bloodshot eyes.

“That’s called a hangover, bro,” you patted the pony roughly on the cheek, “everyone here’s got one. So keep it down, yeah? Let’s go open presents.”

Twilight whimpered and buried herself into her covers. “Five more minutes…”

“Nigga, do you want me to draw a pair of balls under your horn again?”

The princess groaned, before she rolled over to face you. “Give me a moment and I’ll be right out.”

You stuck around for a few moments to make sure she would keep her word. It wasn’t long before she started getting out of bed at a painstakingly slow pace, and with that, you made your way out of the bedroom.

“Wow, look at all this neat stuff!” Lyra exclaimed as she laid her treasures out on the floor before her, rubbing her hooves together like a Jewish merchant as she gazed upon them.

“It’s all junk, now,” you monotoned as you plopped down next to the pony. Twilight wandered into the living with a loud yawn and plopped down beside you, leaning against you.

“Oooh.. my head...” Twilight clutched at her forehead and moaned in pain.

You turned towards Lyra. “Hey bro, could you do a homie a favor and get us some water?”

She nodded. “Sure brah.”

“Thanks Lyra, you’re a real nigga You are the real MVP.” You flashed her a pair of thumbs up that would make the Fonz proud. The mare tried to replicate the action, but remembered a few seconds later that she lacked the opposable appendages to do so.

As the unicorn made her way into the kitchen, you suddenly realized your party was short one pony. You glanced about the living room and tried to track down your gay bro, but found he was no where to be seen.

“HEY LYRA!”

“OW!” The purple unicorn clutched her head and groaned, before flashing you an annoyed glare.

“Oops… sorry Sparklebutt.”

Lyra walked back into the room with a couple water bottle held in her telekinesis. “What’s up?”

“Where the fuck did Gary go?” you asked.

“You mean Grey?”

“Yeah, Gary.”

“He got a call while you were waking up Sparklebutt and had to leave.” She brought the water bottles over to the two of you. “Probably had family to spend time with, or dicks to suck. Maybe both. He didn’t even grab his presents.”

You hastily screwed the top off your bottle, tossed the cap aside, and drank down a mouthful of the dihydrogen monoxide.“Sounds like a great party, I wonder why we didn’t get invited.”

“I don’t think I could survive another party...” Twilight took a break from rubbing her aching head and took a drink from her water. She jumped back a little as a stocking flew at her face with a glow of mint green magic.

“HERE YA GO SPARKLEBUTT.” Lyra moved her aim to you, though she was a lot less gentle. You shouted aloud as the oversized sock beaned you across the head.

“OW, SHIT!” You cried in pain as you rubbed your temple. You shot your bro a glare. “Fuck you, cunt!”

“That’s for throwing that cookie at my head last night, cockbreath.” The pony batted her eyelashes sweetly at you, before digging into her stocking. You and the Princess of Spankings quickly followed suit.

As you dumped out the stocking, you wondered just what the hell an ancient bearded fuck could possibly bring you on fake Christmas.

You desperately hoped it was the booty.

Sadly, it was not the booty.

A handful of small, various sized gifts plopped out onto the floor before you. They were wrapped in simple brown paper and some were tied up with twine.

“Nigga, what the fuck’s this shit? Your rip off of a Santa is fucking shit-tier,” you scoffed.

No one responded to you, though. Deciding to just go for it, you went for the first package with zeal.

“Aw shit!” You took a moment to examine the gift. It was a finely crafted metal mare in a l-lewd pose with a bottle opener attached to it. “A sexy mare bottle opener! Thanks fake Santa!” You opened the next gifts and, to your surprise, there was a bottle of Old Spice body spray, followed by a Space Dandy Collector's Edition DVD set. “AWW SHIT! SCORE! What’d you chuckle-fucks get?”

“I got a new controller because you fucked up my last one, some nice ass perfume, and an extra large dildo.” Lyra eyed you with a sly smile.

“Really? Damn nigga.”

“No, you’ve got plenty enough hidden around that I don’t need one. I just got some socks.”

“Well, socks are hot, nigga,” you said, socking your jhe in the shoulder playfully, “you’re gonna get plenty of action when you’re rocking those.” You turned towards the other mare in the room. “What’d you get, Sparklebutt?”

Twilight flashed you an annoyed look in response to your use of her pet name, but answered. “I got a mineral.”.

“Isn’t that just a rock?” Lyra asked with a condescending look.

“Jesus Christ Marie, they’re minerals!” you shouted at her like an autist.

“Shut up, dude.” Lyra gave Twilight a sympathetic pat on the back. “That fucking sucks, Twi.”

The pony just laughed. “No, no this is great! It’s a rare magical mineral I’ve been wanting to study, but it’s really difficult to get in Equestria. Import laws and all.”

“Oh, yeah… that’s great, bruh.” Your aquamarine unicorn bro rolled her eyes at the gleeful princess. “What’d you get Anon?”

“Bottle opener, Old Spice, and some mother fuckin’ Space Dandy.”

“Fucking sweet, man.” She flashed you a grin, before glancing down. “Looks like you missed one, bro.” Lyra pointed a hoof at a package that was sitting by your foot.

“Aw shit nigga!” you said as you scooped the gift up. You turned it over in your hands and looked at it closer. It was a hexagonal package about the size and weight of your fist, wrapped up and topped with twine.

“Yo, you gonna open it or what bro?” You looked up to see Lyra staring at you, as well as Twilight looking at you expectantly.

“Uh, yeah. Wonder what it is?” You untied the bow and began tearing the paper off. A dark red box, the edges worn, began to reveal itself, and you finished removing the paper to reveal a green lid. You popped the top off and dumped the contents into your hand: a sleek silver watch, the leather band marred slightly from age.

A sinking feeling hit your gut as you turned the watch over in your hands to look at the face: a pearl background, with inlaid diamonds on the twelve, three, six and nine o’clock positions. Your face started to get really hot and your throat got tight as you turned it over to look at the back of the face; initials were engraved on the back.

The room fell silent and you felt your grip tighten as you looked back at the watch’s face, an uncomfortable feeling of familiarity hanging over you. The second hand ticked by, unrelenting.

“Anon…?”

You looked up at the voice.

“Are you… crying?” Twilight asked with concern.

“Uh, no nigga, I’m leaking. Humans do it all the time,” you joked as you reached up and wiped the tears out of your eyes with that back of your hand before blinking away the rest.

You didn’t move your eyes away from the watch, though. You could not recall for the life of you where you had seen it before, just you knew deep down that it was important to you.

You slapped it on your wrist, before cinching it down. You took a small moment to admire the watch that was now adorned on your wrist, before looking back up at your bros. “See? Everything’s fine.”

“You sure everything is okay, dude?” Lyra inquired as she sat beside you, placing a comforting hoof on your shoulder, “You want to talk?”

You shook your head. “Honestly? I don’t know what’s up. Just there’s something about this watch… fuck man… I could really use a drink right about now.”

As if on cue, the door burst open. As if delivered by the norse gods themselves, a whip of snowy wind revealed a bundled up Big Macintosh, his mane flowing in the flurry.

Your homie looked like he was Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back.

“Ayo nigga!” you jumped up from the floor and approached your bro, your mood doing a complete one-eighty, “I missed your ass last night!”

The stallion smirked at your greeting. “Gay,” Big Mac said, chuckling, and crossed over the threshold. He unloaded his pack and unwrapped his scarf to hang it on the coat rack. You raised an eyebrow as you heard the clinking of bottles in your bro’s pack. “Ah’m sorry Ah couldn’t make it to the party last night, had to be with the family, but we opened up Hearth’s Warming presents and Ah got some time in with the family, so Ah got permission to come see ya guys.”

“Nice man, really glad you could make it.” You flashed your bro a smile. “We were just about to get a circlejerk started.”

“Great, Ah brought some Applejack Daniels. Vintage stuff.”

“FUCK YES!” you cheered, before throwing your arms around the red stallion and pulling him into a tight, non-homosexual bromantic embrace, “I missed you, fam.”

“Same,” he returned your hug, “Ah think we can both agree the whole voting thing was a mistake.”

“Agreed! Now let’s get fucking shitfaced.”

“Hey, not without me,” came a voice at the doorway. You turned around to see a frost-covered stallion smiling from behind his scarf. “Sorry I had to go, guys. I was needed down the road at one of the offices where I work. Calling me in on Hearth’s Warming... I swear to Celestia, someone’s ass is getting chewed over this, I- Oh, hello,” Grey stopped sharply as he spotted Big Mac undressing himself from his winter gear near the entryway closet.

“Howdy,” the big pony nodded at the suddenly still stallion.

“I’m uh, Grey Lakes. But you can call me Grey, hehe,” the stallion stammered as he offered a hoof to Big Mac.

“Big Macintosh. A pleasure.” The two ponies shook. Neither of them, however, had spotted the dastardly look you had slowly been getting in your eyes. As you watched Grey spill spaghetti all over a blatantly oblivious Big Mac, a plan formulated in your mind, and you rubbed your hands together like a greedy merchant.

“Let’s get that bottle open, shall we?” you remarked, grabbing some glasses out of the cupboard.

“Hear, hear!” your unicorn bro cried out from the other end of the room.

After a few shots had been poured, the atmosphere in the apartment had started to get /comfy/. Twilight had opted to stay as far away from the hard liquor as possible, opting to sip away at her water in your room while the other three members of your party downed shot after shot.

“So, Big Mac, tell me a little about yourself.” Grey batted his eyes lightly at the stallion.

“He’s got a 15 inch dick, and plows his sister every night!” Lyra called out like a retard before Big Mac could open his mouth.

“Which one!?” you replied from across the couch.

Big mac just frowned into his drink.

“Fuck you guys,” he said, and began chuckling. “I’m a farmer by trade, grew up there my whole life.”

“Oh, how quaint,” Grey cooed, sipping at his drink. “So what do you like to do?”

“Uh, planting, harvesting… plowing. Plowing is fun,” the pony rubbed his chin as he tried to think.

“Yes it is!” You declared. “Especially plowing your sister’s tight ass.”

“Anon, can ya-”

“Dude, Applejack’s ass is like the Eighth Wonder of the World.” You continued on, staring at the red stallion the whole time with a slowly widening smug grin. “Her booty is the meaning of life, and the key to happiness.”

“Do you think that you could bounce a quarter off her ass?” Lyra inquired.

“I can confirm with the knowledge I have acquired through drunken adventures with her that you can, in fact, bounce quarters off her ass.”

Big Mac buried his face into his hooves. Grey chuckled along with you and your unicorn bro. Eventually, the conversation evened out into the more normal sense, and Grey carried on with Big Mac.

As they talked, you watched the way Grey interacted with your big red bro, the way he held on his words and smiled every time the stallion looked his way. When Big Mac had eventually excused himself to the restroom, you decided set your plan into motion.

“Lyra. Brah.”

“Sup?” the unicorn replied to you.

“Can you get me some more water, nigga?”

“Nah go fuck yourself,” she said and took a swig of her drink in a very lady-like fashion as it spilled down her front. “Shit,” she cursed and slammed the glass down on the table. “Fine, fuckster, but only because I’m going to the kitchen to get a towel.”

“You’re the best, sugar tits!” you called after the pony as she stomped off to the kitchen.

“Eat a dick!” she screeched as she disappeared into the next room. As soon as you saw her tail disappear around the corner, you plopped down next to Grey, who was nursing his drink.

“Gary,” you said.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“So, I noticed the way you’ve been looking at Big Mac.” The stallion blushed a bit at your observation, but quickly switched to a more defensive manner.

“Yeah, and what?”

“Pump your brakes, amigo, I’m just trying to help a bro out.”

“Go on…” the stallion seemed more interested in what you had to say.

“You want the D. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious. And I’ll tell you a secret about Big Mac.”

Grey leaned in towards you, eyes wide.

“Go on…” He was on the edge of his seat.

“Big Mac is as straight as a rainbow sucking gloryhole dick at a gay bar.”

“Sooo, he’s….?”

“Yep, as gay as they come, bro,” you nodded to give your statement weight. “But,” you iterated with a stern finger, “he is very private about it. The shy type, you know? He’ll deny it every day of the week, but its true. I think he just needs the right man in his life.”

Grey nodded in agreement and rubbed at his chin.

“I can see what you mean. Big guy,” he responded as you muttered a quick ‘for you’ under your breath, “all alone, working hard on the farm all day. He needs some class in his life. I could fix that.”

“Just be super careful about it,” you warned, face dead serious. “He spooks easy. Take your time with him.”

“You got it, Anon. Thanks.” As the stallion finished thanking you, he missed your evil grin that was painted on your face as he turned to greet Lyra, who had just entered the living room.

“Here you go, cockbreath,” the mare said as she shoved a watter bottle in your gut and plopped down with a new drink. You promptly threw the water bottle aside, which exploded as it impacted with ground for no apparent reason.

Big Mac moseyed back into the room, and sat himself back down onto the couch, taking his drink back in hoof once more. As you helped yourself to another pair of overflowing shots, things began to settle back down into the normal pace.

“ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT THE GOVERNMENT NEED TO STOP GIVING THESE FILTHY IMMIGRANTS EVERYTHING THEY ASK FOR.” You ranted drunkenly, sloshing your drink around as you made angry motions with your hands. “I’M TIRED OF MY TAX DOLLARS BEING WASTED ON A BUNCH OF HAIRLESS MONKEYS WHO DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THEIR ASS ALL DAY.”

“But Anon, you’re a human immigrant who receives money from the government,” Twilight pointed out as she stood in the hallway, nursing her head with a disdained look on her face.

“And all you do during the day when you aren’t at the bar, streaking, or occasionally ‘working’ at Sweet Apple Acres is sit on your ass all day making sex puns.” Lyra added.

“AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!” you declared with a goofy ass grin.

“Speaking of that, are you ever going to apply for citizenship, Anon?” Twilight inquired as she finished off her water bottle and settled into the empty space next to you. “Equestria offers a lot of benefits to it’s citizens, natural born or not.”

“Nah,” you said with a shrug, “I’m too lazy. Plus I’m happy with what I got as is, so I could care less about the benefits.”

Before Twilight could bore you with anymore talk about becoming an Equestrian citizen, there was a loud, angry knock at the front door.

“BIG MAC! Ah know yer in there!” Big Mac visibly shrunk at the sound of his big booty toting sister’s voice on the other end of the door.

“Who the hell is that?” Grey asked, craning his neck to look back at the door.

“Only the greatest gift to booty-kind the Fonz has ever gave this motherfucking color pony infested planet, friend,” you preached. You downed the rest of your drink, got off your ass, and made your way over to the door. You yanked it open and stepped outside.

“Ayyy gurl! Merry fucking Christmas. Or Hearth’s Warming or whatever.” You flashed Applejack a grin as you gave her a quick once over. Unlike your bro who had been dressed up in what might as well be a Han Solo Hoth cosplay, Applejack was wearing only a long, red scarf and her usual stetson. Your faded jeans tightened noticeably in response to her look. “Damn shawty, you be looking fine in that scarf.”

“Thank ya kindly, Anon.” She flashed you a quick grin, before her face turned sour once more. “Ah’m here for-”

“WHAT?!” You put on your best Lil Jon impression.

“Ah said, I’m here for B-”

“WHAT!?” you cried again, holding your hand up to your ear. The pony started steaming in the winter cold.

“AH SAID, AH’MN HERE FER BIG MACINTOSH!”

“OKAY!” you cried. “I mean, he’s not here,” you lied to her like a champ.

“Anon, Ah can see him from here.”

“No you can’t.”

“Yes, Ah can.”

You looked over your shoulder for a split second, and could, indeed, see the big red horse lounging on your couch, drink in hoof.

“Uh, uh. That’s not him. That’s my Big Mac blow-up doll. Starswirl the bearded dude gave him to me for Christmas. I mean, Hearths Warming.”

“Ah bet,” the pony snorted, and pushed her way inside. “Excuse me.”

“I’m sorry, brah, I tried! Run for cover!” you shouted after the mare, trying your best not to get overly distracted by her bouncing flanks.

“Big Macintosh! Ya told me ya were gonna go out to check on the cattle out in the barn, and after thirty minutes, Ah went out to make sure ya hadn’t frozen into a ponysicle. Turned out that the lock hadn’t even been touched!”

“How’d ya know where Ah went?” the stallion asked sheepishly.

“Ah followed yer hoofprints, ya big idiot.”

“Oh,” was all the pony could reply as he shrank deeper into the couch.

“Big Mac can’t into stealth Big Mac’s sneak level wasn’t high enough,” you commented as you stepped back inside the apartment and closed the door behind you.

“And furthermore, Ah cannot believe that--” The mare stopped suddenly as a jingling sound was heard near her hooves. Another jingle was heard, and Lyra tried to stifle her laughter into her hooves. “Excuse me, Lyra? Can Ah help ya?”

“YOU WERE RIGHT, ANON!” she screamed out loud and doubled over in a fit of laughter. You spotted as a small handful of quarters fell off the couch next to her as the pony carried on. Applejack’s face went bright red and she cleared her throat.

“Anyways, Big Mac, it’s time to git home, ya should be glad Granny Smith can’t grip things no more, or yer rear end would be starting to go bald from all the paddlings she’d be giving ya.”

You laughed to yourself as you watched Grey fidget at Applejack's threats.

“Quit being a buzzkill, bro. Why don’t you have some shots with us?” you said from behind the angry mare. Grabbing the bottle of Applejack Daniels, you poured a very large tumbler of whiskey and garnished it with a large splash of even more whiskey. For good measure, you added a dash of whiskey. Dropping in two ice cubes you came around the fuming horse and offered her the drink. “Look, its Hearth’s Warming and all that gay shit. Have a drink with us and enjoy it.” You shoved the glass in Applejack’s face, but she pushed it away.

rude

“Hearth’s Warming is supposed to be spent with family and loved ones, Anon. I’m sorry but Big Mac’s gotta come with me.”

“Aren’t we loved ones, fam?” you put on your best hurt expression, and offered the glass to her again. “Come on. Just one drink.” Applejack eyed you down dangerously, but as the rest of the ponies in the room began to speak up their argument, she faltered. Sighing heavily, she put her hoof out to get the glass.

“Fine. But just one drink.”

As it turned out, just one drink was more than enough to keep Applejack in your house, and you’re pretty sure that if she wore clothes, they would have disappeared rather quickly. As the night started to fall outside, the entire gang was in high spirits as shots turned into body shots, and even Twilight began getting in on the action.

“Off her ass! Off her ass!” Lyra cried as the rest of the ponies cheered.

Twilight acted embarrassed before immediately sticking her rear end into the air. You approached the sacred booty shrine, a shot glass in hand. Bowing before the ponies, you reveled in their cheers and suddenly put your hand up for complete and utter silence. You moved the pony’s tail out of the way, and admiring the view for a moment, slipped the glass into her ass cheeks. She clenched them together to hold the shot glass, and getting down on your knees, you turned around so that your head was below her ass.

“Okay, go,” you said, and Twilight lifted up her front end so that her ass tipped slowly down, pouring the shot out into your open mouth. When the last drop had hit your tongue, everyone in the room cheered and you crawled out from beneath the pony’s nether region. With a hearty slap on the ass, you thanked Twilight.

“Fuck… you, Anon...” she panted as her cheeks (both pairs) began to glow hot red.

“You’re welcome, Sparklebutt!” you shouted as a fit of laughter hit you.

Suddenly, your laughter was cut short by a loud, rolling boom rumbled the frame of the house.

“The fuck was that!?” Lyra shouted as she leaped out of her chair near the window.

“FUCK!” you shouted, hitting the floor, “It’s World War Three, man! Fucking mecha Hitler is back and he brought his dick nazis with him!”

As you looked up, though, you saw variously puzzled faces around you.

“Wait, they’re just the fireworks.” Lyra reiterated as she leaned over to glance out the window.

“Oh fuck yes!” you exclaimed, before pausing. “Wait… why is there fireworks on a rip off Christmas?”

“Well Anon,” Twilight spoke up, “As I believe I explained earlier, Hearth’s Warming celebrates how pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies founded Equestria after embracing the magic of friendship. So to celebrate this, the local Royal Guard units launch a mixture of pyrotechnics and high explosive ordnance into the air.”

“So you’re telling me Hearth’s Warming is both fucking Christmas and the Fourth of July?” You could feel the hype building up inside you as you asked this.

“I… guess?” The purple unicorn responded with a confused look.

“THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME!” Hopping up off the floor, proceeded to boogey over to the door.Jacket on and scarf wrapped up, you strolled out into the darkening twilight.

“Anon, what about your pants!?” Twilight shouted after you.

“PANTS ARE FOR TINY DICKED MANLETS!” You shouted back. Ironically, the chill that blew between your bare legs shrank your member into its smallest form, which was still pretty big, at least according to you. Too drunk to care, you pushed on. Snow crunched underfoot and you searched the dark orange sky for more fiery balls of explosive excitement.

A resounding boom rattled your teeth and you looked up to see a broad expanse of tangerine light spreading outwards high above you. As the sparkles drifted away from the centerpoint, they turned from bright orange into a crackling emerald and you felt a giant, stupid smile spread across your face.

As the final glittering light fizzled into the darkness, you heard the crunch of snow around you as your friends joined you in your ecstatic celebration.

You jumped a little as you felt hooves around your waist and turned around to see Lyra wrapping a towel around your waist.

“Here, you needle-dicked moron. Didn’t want you to be that cold out here.” The pony smiled up at you. You felt a warm sensation wash out from your chest and spread through your back into the tips of your fingers at her look.

“Thanks, Lyra,” you smiled back, and tousled the pony’s mane. Another explosion went off high above you, and you felt the pony jump up and nudge tight against you.

“Bruh,” you said, giving the pony a sidelong glance. She looked up at you, eyes bright and innocent-looking in the amber glow of the last firework went high into the sky. It detonated with a concussive blast that shook your soul and spooked your inner skeletal.

“No hetero, man.”

“Right, no hetero.” You wrapped your arm around the mare’s side and pulled her in close. You, her, and the rest of your party watched the sparks dance above you in the sky, the theme of Equestria: World Police playing softly into the background.