By Solaris' Beard!

by Stormy Night

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1363

Silly story about Prince Solaris and his beard. Dunno why I wrote it beyond it being fun.

Solaris has a beard. He is very proud of his beard. But how did it get that way?

This is just a silly little tale because I somehow got the idea of a sentient beard in my head.

Published 2014-05-21 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-21 03:00:01 UTC

By Solaris' Beard!!!!1!

Prince Solaris was proud of many things.

He was proud of his student, Dusk Shine, who was now a prince in his own right. He was proud of his dear brother, Artemis, who had finally stopped dwelling on his past darkness. He was proud of all the little ponies in his kingdom. But most of all, he was proud of his beard.

The result of near constant grooming and maintenance, it was his pride and joy. It flowed in the same ethereal breeze that lifted his mane, as if his chin were framed with fire. Many palace staffers joked about it, about the amount of love and attention he paid to something so unimportant as facial hair. He bore their friendly mockery with a benevolent smile, knowing that it was all in good fun.

This pattern had been the norm for years. Ever since the day, so long ago, when somepony had casually mentioned that he would look good with a beard, he had loved the idea. But there was a catch. Try as he might, Solaris could not grow facial hair. That's right. Solaris, mighty Prince of the Sun and protector of Equestria, could not grow a beard.

In desperation, he turned to magic. There were countless hair growth spells and potions out there to help those poor ponies afflicted by baldness, and he tried them all. Blackbraid's Beard Bestowal, Hairy Hoof's Helpful Hair Tonic, Eidelweiss' Effervescent Elixir of Efficacy, Fennel's Follicular Fiesta, Starshine's Superb 'Stache Starter. There were more, with even more ludicrously alliterative names, but this narrative will gloss over them in the interest of getting on with it.

As he reached the end of his patience, as he felt like giving up, a book caught his eye. The dull black cover was inlaid with runes in silver leaf that even the Prince could not read. As he walked toward it, the book slowly swung open. Words appeared on the pages, trimmed in flickering emerald light.

“Let not this poor chin go unadorned, as smooth as when this colt was born?” Solaris read, as the words continued to appear. As he did so, he felt his voice growing louder, felt energy building in the air. Dark energy flickered around his horn. “Give this prince a visage feared, tremble before his mighty beard. And by the climax of his story, let the whole world know its glory. All will bow, both colt and mare, before such mighty facial hair!”

Stone dust fell from the ceiling at his final shout, and without warning the book snapped shut. The pedestal upon which it sat retracted into the floor with a low grinding sound. Before long, it was as if the room had never held an ancient tome of mysterious origin.

“Well. That is certainly an event that occurred.” Solaris said, brushing dust out of his mane. “I wonder if that spell might succeed where the others failed.”

This seems as good a place as any to end this unjustifiable flashback and simply tell what happened. The next morning, Solaris awoke to find upon his jaw a fine crimson stubble. He was ecstatic.

As days passed, his beard continued to grow. The rate of growth was nothing out of the ordinary, not for an ordinary pony at least. For a grown stallion who'd never had so much as a wispy little mustache it was almost unbelievable.

Before long, Solaris' beard was truly magnificent. It flowed. It glowed. It gleamed and glimmered wherever it showed. It was truly the finest beard in Equestria, much to the jealousy of Solaris' student Starswirl the bearded, who had herself been bestowed with a beard of a delightful silky softness during a spell gone wrong and had attempted to spin it into a new fashion among the well-to-do mares. It had never caught on, but she had become renowned for her extensive line of hair care spells developed to maintain the silken nature of her magnificent mare-beard. Yes. That happened. Go look it up. The story can wait until you return.

…

Back? Excellent. Let us continue. For centuries, Solaris' beard was as famous as the prince to whom it was attached. Each morning, the alicorn followed a very strict beard-maintenance routine. First, a thorough shampooing to remove and stubborn specks of food from his midnight snacks. Second, a blast of warm air to dry it. Then came a number of conditioning and volumizing spells to ensure proper flow. Only after all of these steps were complete did he allow his magic to flow through each hair, lifting it in an ethereal field with his mane and tail.

One morning, however, something seemed different. His beard seemed livelier than usual, flowing and bouncing with more energy than ever before. As he stared at the magnificence in the mirror, he heard something.

“Solaris...” A soft voice whispered. “You are so good to me...” He looked around, but saw nothing. His bathroom, all gleaming white marble trimmed with gold and topped with red cloth accents, was empty save for him.

“Who is there?” He asked, his horn flashing with golden magic. “Who dares disturb me in my sanctum?”

“Oh Solaris...” The voice sad, chuckling softly, “Do you not know me? You have cared for me so well, so lovingly, for so many years.” For the first time he noticed the faint pulse of magic around his beard, flashing in time with the voice.

“My...my beard?” He asked, stroking the glimmering locks with one hoof as he backed away from the mirror. “You...you can talk?”

“I can do more than that, my beloved prince.” the beard replied. “I can help every pony in all of Equestria understand our bond.” The beard's voice grew slightly harsh as it continued. “They mock you, insult you, claim you spend more time on me than on ruling.”

“Yes, but...” Solaris protested.

“But nothing!” The beard hissed. “They cannot understand our bond until they have beards of their own. Would the world not be better if every stallion and mare could know the wonders of facial hair?” The flickering light was now tinged faintly with an emerald green undertone, and Solaris felt the words sinking into his brain. The beard was so....so....persuasive.

“Yes.” He said, a green tinge settling into his eyes. “They must all know the beauty of beards. We must teach them.”

“I'm glad you agree.” The beard cackled, and had it possessed fingers it surely would have been rubbing them together while grinning in a sinister fashion. “Let us go forth!”

Solaris burst from the bathroom, beard aglow with fell magic, and grinned wildly. Artemis, who had been walking down the hall when the door had flown off the hings and cracked the wall opposite, stared in shock.

“BROTHER!” Solaris shouted, beard twitching and writhing with power, “JOIN ME IN THE GLORY OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER!” With a crack, the beard shot a bolt of incredibly hairy magic at the lunar alicorn. Artemis fell back, blue stubble already sprouting from his muzzle, as Solaris ran off in search of his next convert.

Before long, the castle had fallen. The beards had taken over, and the ponies lazed about stroking their glorious new masters and trading grooming tips. Far off, in Ponyville, a prince and librarian was rising to go about his daily duties when the belch of a dragon interrupted his routine.

“Dusk!” The dragon called, standing at the foot of the stairs, “Letter from Prince Solaris!”

“I'll be down in a minute Barb!” the purple alicorn replied, toothbrush sticking out of his mouth.

A few moments later, he appeared in the kitchen in a flash of magic. The scroll lay on the table. As he unrolled it, he read.

Dusk Shine, my student, I must ask that you come to Canterlot at once. We have some royal matters to discuss.

Your teacher's beard
Solaris.

At the bottom of the scroll, a strange growth covered the paper. It looked for all the world like a beard.

Author's Note

Yeah, don't ask where this idea came from.

Just enjoy the story and don't think to hard about it.