Not Suitable for Celestia

by Underdogg

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Adventure
Length: 4402

Spike accidentally sends Twilight's naughty stories to the Princess.

When Spike accidentally sends Celestia an explicit romance novel of Twilight's, Twilight will stop at nothing to get as far away from Ponyville as she can. Of course, it wouldn't make a great story if the whole of Equestria didn't find out, right?

First two chapters set up the story, from then on up it's gonna be longer chapters, more exciting things happening, and "juicy" gossip.

Published 2012-04-05 20:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-05 22:07:09 UTC

Prologue

"Spike?"

"Hey Spike?!"

Twilight called out to her companion several times, each time expecting a response from the slacker dragon. "Where is that darn dragon when you need hi- SPIKE!"

Twilight trotted down her staircase into her living room, only to find a snoring Spike on the couch, the most innocent look on his face as he pushed it further into the soft pillow.

"Gah! What is it? What?" Spike shot up in fright after Twilight's voice reverberated through his head.

"Spike, where have you been? We have work to do!"

"I've been napping, Twilight. It's three o' clock, remember?"
Spike rubbed his eyes, frustrated that his Rarity based dreams were being rudely interrupted.

Twilight rolled her eyes as she remembered his little afternoon routine. "Well, I'm sorry Spike. The library needs re-sorting, we need to help Fluttershy regather her animals, and - hey, did you send that letter about yesterday's lesson to Princess Celestia yet?"

Twilight waved her hoof in the air, as if mentally sorting every task for today. Spike lifted himself off the couch and sat with his head in his scaly hands, forcing memories of that morning into his dizzy head.

"Yeah, I think so... It was the one on your desk, right?"

Twilight's hoof dropped to the floor, as if remembering something vital. Vital but horrifying. Her lower lip quivered slightly.

"Wh.. Well there was two scrolls on my dresser... You know.."

"Yeah I know, Twilight. I sent the one that was open, you had just finished writing it -"

Twilight galloped, as fast as her hooves could carry her, up the stairs to her bedroom, and nearly ran straight into her desk. She planted both her front hooves on the desk as she flew towards it, but they slipped on paper lying on her desk. A flurry of scripts and scrolls shot into the air in her room, and Twilight's body slammed into the unforgiving hard-wood floor of her room.

Panting heavily, she lifted herself up, ignoring the pain in her head. She rummaged through a vast array of writing feathers, ink pots, books and papers, eventually finding a single scroll. She fumbled with it, trying to pry it open.

"Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that sometimes it's the anticipation of receiving something that is actually better than the...."

That was all she needed to read.
A trickle of sweat ran down the side of her head.

"Twilight! What's the matter?"

She turned to face her purple accomplice, a mixture of horrified fear and nausea.

"Spike..."

A single tear flickered off her eyelid, and she swallowed hard.

"Spike, you... you've just...."

Spike began to shift nervously at Twilight's evident horrified look.

"What? What did I do?"

"YOU SENT MY PERSONAL STORIES TO THE PRINCESS!? OH GOD SPIKE WHY!"

Spike screwed his face in confusion, and could do nothing except watch his closest friend writhe in utter embarrassment and distress.

"You mean your fanfics?" Spike whispered to himself. "What's wrong with that? The Princess won't care she'll just send them back, or if you want I could write a letter saying to disregard the prev-"

*THUMP*

"Twilight?... Twi.. are you okay?...Twilight?"

Chapter One: The Big Deal

Spike was sitting by an unconscious Twilight, fanning her occasionally with a leaflet.

"C'mon Twilight... *sigh*... She always gets so worked up over the smallest things..."

Spike gazed out the window, recalling to his mind any events from that morning that would elicit such a reaction.

"I don't remember sending anything personal to the Princess... I mean, it was a mistake, sure, but I hadn't slept for like a whole day! What does she care anyway about the Princess seeing her novels..."

Spike turned his attention back to the purple unicorn in front of him, who was starting to twitch slightly.

"Oh finally!" he murmured. Twilight opened her eyes, scanning her surroundings. She fixed her dreary gaze on Spike, who just stared right back with a forced smile.

"Hey there..! How are you feeling, Twi?"

Twilight's expression softened slightly as she eventually processed her surroundings. She slumped back down onto the bed she lay on.

"Thank God." she whispered, and swallowed hard for the second time.

Spike shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "What do you mean 'Thank God'?". Twilight giggled softly and closed her eyes again. She sighed deeply and rolled over onto her side.

Spike stared dumbfound at her. "Twilight, what the hay has been going on with you lately? First you get all worked up over me sending a story or something to the Princess, then you pass out and wake up and suddenly everything's OK?!"

There was an awkward silence that filled the air.

"What did you just say?" Twilight suddenly spoke up. Her voice began to shake again, and Spike prepared himself for another one of her ordeals.

"I said you yelled at me for sending some book of yours to the Princess, and then you collapsed on the floor in your room!" Spike jumped off of his seat and trumped over to the refrigerator. Twilight watched him pull a can of cola out of the lower shelf and crack it open.

"*Gulp* *Gulp* *Guurlp* Ahhh... Honestly, Twilight, you always make such a big deal out of these things with the Princess... I'm sure she doesn't even care!"

He turned to face her.

"...what?.."

In a violet flash, Twilight flew towards Spike at lightning fast speed, not too far off of Rainbow Dash's personal best. She crashed into the poor dragon sending him flying back and spraying beverage all over the floor. She stood over him with the most aggressive face he had seen on anypony he'd ever met.

"Yaahh!!! Tw..Twilight.. what're you-"

"SPIKE THE DRAGON. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?! THAT STORY WAS A ROMANTIC NOVEL I WAS WORKING ON FOR MANY WEEKS! AND NOW THE PRINCESS. PRINCESS CELESTIA IS GOING TO READ ALL THE SMUT THAT I WROTE AND... AND....."

Spike just kept staring at her, her words rolling around in his head. He watched as her pupils flickered left to right, running thoughts through her head at enormous speed.

"Spike, how long ago did you send it?" She urgently asked.

"I dunno, I think, maybe.. it was this morning around 9:30? I think.." He fumbled back to her.

"9:30?! OK, there's still time! We still have time! Spike, grab any essentials you need, we're leaving!" Twilight rushed around the room, magically levitating satchel bags and various assortments of canned food and books.

Spike ran up to the bedroom to gather his belongings. As he folded his blanket he thought about what Twilight had just said.
"Romance? Smut? I didn't know Twilight was into that sort of thing... Plus, why would she leave it lying around like that! Oh stallion... I hate it when this kind of thing happens."

"Spike are you ready yet? We need to get out of here NOW!"

Spike sighed and grabbed some spare bits from his piggy bank, his blanket and a couple of gems he had been keeping under his pillow.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm coming..." Spike walked over to where Twilight was skimming through a spell book. He sat down, nimbly scratching the ground with his claw.

"Good. Now, we need to stop at the bank of Ponyville first, if I recall the Princess left me a small amount of money in case of emergencies and -.. Spike are you listening?"

Spike jumped slightly at the sound of his name. "Uhh.. Yeah you're gonna rob the bank urgently, right?"

Twilight gasped slightly. "No! Spike, listen to me. I'm sorry for erupting like that at you, but as you can see, this is incredibly humiliating for me! I'm not sure if I can ever speak to Princess Celestia ever again!"

Spike looked up at her for a split second, and then back down to the ground where he was scratching.

"Yeah, I guess... I just feel bad, that's all." Spike said, barely above a whisper.

"Well, where are we headed?" He queried cheerily. Twilight magically lifted a map up off of a shelf and levitated it in front of him. Spike examined the map, peering closer to the name of the city that had been circled.

"England? Isn't that a bit far away?" Spike could only conceive how worn out he was going to be after this journey.

"That's where I want to end up, yes. But if we move now we should be able to get there before the end of next week." Twilight acknowledged.

"But Twilight do you know how far away England is? It's like across the whole Equestrian ocean! Do you know a water-breathing spell or something?" The dead-set attitude that Twilight was showing was starting to worry him. The look that she gave him was like he just asked her if the sky was blue.

"Yes. Yes I do. And I do know how far away it is and that's precisely why we need to be there. Celestia has only ever been there once in her whole life. She'll never find us there."

Twilight resumed gathering belongings, leaving Spike to enjoy his final moments in Ponyville. He groaned and fell back onto his back.

End of Part One

Chapter Two: The Great Escape

"Okay Spike, I've packed us enough food that we can keep heading west for the next day or two."

Twilight levitated the satchel bag containing various bits and pieces and lowered it onto her back. Meanwhile, Spike was happily munching away at his stash of rare emeralds and rubies that he had previously planned on saving for the lengthy journey ahead.

"Yeah, *crunch* *mnchmnch* okay Twilight. Say... where are we going first? Isn't the only thing west of Ponyville just the Everfree Forest?" Spike scratched his head, quizzing his own geographical knowledge of Equestria.

"Yes it is, Spike." Twilight replied. "However, once we make our way through the forest, there is a small town on the other side, known as 'Shetland'."

Spike shook his head slowly as he swallowed a mouthful of amethyst. "Never heard of it. What's it like?" Twilight looked back at him and nudged her head, signaling for him to jump up onto her back. "Well, believe it or not, I've never been there either. Rainbow Dash said she flew over it one time, but she was so high up she could barely see any of the town."

Spike settled down into his seat, or rather, Twilight's spine. Twilight let out a majestic "oof!" as he sat down. "Urgh, what did you eat for breakfast, cement?" She mockingly said. Spike looked down at his belly and sighed slightly. "Yeah, maybe it is time to cut down on the ice-cream..."

Twilight meagerly pushed the front door open with her fore-hoof. The evening breeze rolled in, sending chills through both of them. The Sun was just going down, and Celestia would soon be able to experience the horror of Twilight's smutty story.

Spike craned his neck to peer out into no-colt's land. "Shouldn't we wait until night-time to go outside? I mean, there are still some ponies wandering around." Without a moment's hesitation, Twilight shushed him. She stuck her head through the door opening, and swung it left to right, looking for the perfect time to make a dash for it.

"Nope... no... it's too crowded... but we don't have much time at all until Celestia reads that letter and the whole of Canterlot and Ponyville find out." Twilight nearly broke down at the mere conception of such tragedy.

Spike desperately searched for an alternative. "Well, uh, do you know any invisibility spells we could do?" At this sparkling new revelation, Twilight's face immediately brightened up. "Spike you're a genius!" She exclaimed, as her horn glowed with the charge of a magical spell.

In a sudden flash of crimson-silver, she cast an invisibility spell surrounding them both. However, when Spike opened his eyes and looked down to himself, what he saw made him cringe in disappointment.

"Uhh, Twilight?

But it was too late. An invisible mass of unicorn had already taken off, barrelling down the streets of Ponyville, with a screaming young dragon bouncing around on her back.

"Ahh!! *oof* Twilight- ow WAIT! The spell! *ugh* *oof* IT DIDN'T WORK ON ME!"

The citizens of Ponyville and peaceful evening shoppers, were rendered speechless as they saw a small purple dragon scream past them about a meter above the ground, shouting incomprehensibly and flailing his limbs.

"Woo! Go Spike!" Pinkie Pie shouted out the window of Sugarcube corner. "I can't believe my Spikey-Wikey already has his wings!" Rarity began to sniffle softly.

After about 5 minutes of whizzing down various streets of Ponyville, Twilight eventually ducked into a nearby back-alley to stop for a moment.

As she came to a grinding halt, Spike's grip from Twilight failed, and he flew forwards, rolling off of the top of her head. He sailed through the air, yelling at the top of his little lungs, all the way until he crashed painfully into an array of dustbins. Twilight cringed as the sharp sound of metal crashing to the ground pierced her eardrums.

"Ooog... My head..." Spike grabbed his forehead and regained his senses. Twilight ran over to where he landed. "Oh my gosh, Spike! Are you alright?"

Spike lifted himself onto his feet, and blinked a few times. The double image of Twilight's concerned face danced around his vision for a while, eventually coming together into a single pony.

"Twilight! Didn't you hear me?! The invisibility spell you summoned didn't affect me! All of Ponyville just saw me, zooming across town in mid-air!"

Twilight's mouth hung open in disbelief. "I... I don't understand... the spell is supposed to affect any living creature within a meter of the casting horn!" She shook her head quickly, turning her attention back to Spike, who was rubbing a sore lump on his head.

"I'm sorry Spike, really. Let me fix that." She raised her horn and focused a bolt of magic. She shut her eyes tightly, sending several beams of light towards Spike's head-lump. The light swirled around Spike's head for a few seconds, before dissipating into the air.

Twilight examined his head again, and reeled back shocked.
"What?" Spike asked.
"My healing spell didn't work on you either!"

She frowned, searching her head of knowledge for any explanation for what was happening. Then, a thought crossed her mind.

"Wait a 'sec... you know those gems you were eating earlier? Which ones did you eat?"
"Uhhh... I think some rubies, uhh.. some emeralds, and some amethyst." Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.
"I should have known when I saw you eating those... Amethyst is a natural resistant to spells which affects physical appearance."

"Well, that would do it." Spike chuckled. "So wait, am I immune to any kind of magic that affects what I look like?" Spike said as he suddenly felt endangered.
"Exactly." Twilight responded, evidently proud of her deduction skills. "But there's not much time left before someone tries to find me. Spike, you go ahead and follow behind you."

* * * * *

Twilight followed close behind Spike, who took the shortest route to the edge of town, avoiding any ponies he saw. He occasionally heard ponies talking about a "hilarious flying baby dragon", while he has ducked behind a wall as they walked past. He put his scaly hands to his face, wishing that everypony would forget soon enough.

As they both approached Fluttershy's house, they relished in the success they were about to feel. That is, until Twilight's invisibility spell wore off.

"Twilight! Wait! Stop!" Spike exclaimed.
"What?! What is it?"
"I can see you, Twilight! The spell has worn off!"

The two stared at each other for a brief moment, and without any prompting, they both started sprinting towards the entrance to the Everfree forest as fast as they possibly could.

The entrance was tantalizingly close now; Spike and Twilight's eyes glistened with hope for escape from Ponyville. Although, they may have spoke too soon.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE YOU TWO!"

Twilight could have screamed if it wasn't for being so terrified. She knew that voice from a mile away. It was none other than the cocky call of her dearest friend, Rainbow Dash.

"Where are you two headed off to in such a hurry?" She questioned, as she touched down on the dirt in front of them. She analyzed the two shaking souls in front of her. They were sweaty, distraught, tired, and injured - this only piqued Dash's curiosity even further.

"Well? Are you gonna answer or just stand there?" She pushed. Spike cleared his throat and gave Twilight a look which read 'I'll handle this'"

"We were just off into the Everfree Forest for some research on a new magic potion. It's supposed to make the drinker feel like he's weightless!"

Spike gulped as Rainbow Dash stood there, in front of them. Her piercing gaze nearly shot right through Spike, but he stood his ground, not breaking eye contact with the pegasus standing opposite him. Rainbow Dash squinted even more... and more... trying her hardest to squeeze Spike's mind until the truth popped out. But to no avail.

"Ok..." She said, as she started to beat her wings. She took off from the ground, and before zooming away, she looked down to Twilight, who was shaking uncontrollably. "Have fun, you guys..."

When he was certain that there was no sign of any rainbow pegasus anywhere, Spike exhaled deeply, wiping a droplet of sweat from his forehead. "Damn, that was a narrow escape, huh Twilight?" Spike looked back, and saw Twilight, who looked like she had just dodged a bullet by an inch.

"Yeah... yeah... good work Spike." Twilight dreamily replied. Spike smiled and walked back to where Twilight was standing.
"C'mon Twilight, let's go through to Shetland now."

As Celestia's Sun lowered, the two marched through into the Everfree Forest, with nothing on their mind other than the next step in the journey.

* * * *

"Hey Fluttershy?"

"Yes?"

"Did you just see Twilight and Spike running down towards the Everfree Forest?"

Fluttershy emptied the canned food into a bowl and nudged it towards her pet badgers. "No, I didn't. Why do you ask?"

"I dunno... I saw them pegging it down to the entrance of the forest, and when I asked them what they were up to they started acting real suspicious and they looked physically drained, well, not in any condition for gardening that's for sure... Spike said something about a potion which makes you weightless."

Rainbow Dash slumped down on Fluttershy's bed and pondered, massaging her head.

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Fluttershy asked, as she flew slowly around her house, attending to various different chores.

Rainbow Dash stared at the ceiling, running through the events in her mind.
"Twilight was just telling me the other day that she wanted a potion making kit from the Princess. How is she gonna make a weightless potion without a potion kit, huh? Tell me that!"

At this point, Rainbow Dash realized she was talking to herself now, since Fluttershy had flown outside to feed her birds. Rainbow Dash growled. "I'm gonna find out what those two are up to!"

End of Part Two

Chapter Three: Shetland (PART 1)

Author's Note: Chapter 3 will be a two part-er, so that I can avoid long delays. I'll try to keep this story going, but the time between chapter releases (until early June) will be a few weeks at least

“Now I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here tonight...” Rainbow Dash said, as she marched back and forth in front of a her four friends.

“Actually, yeah. I kinda am!” Applejack protested. Her impatience grew by the second, knowing that there were acres of fresh apple trees calling her name to be bucked.

“Settle down, AJ. This is really important - I think something is wrong.”

“Well then go ahead and tell us, dear!” Rarity said. “I have dozens of dresses to be made before tomorrow, and time is running thin.”

Rainbow Dash shot her a look before returning to the rest of the meeting.

“Alright, alright, hold your horses... anyway, I called you all here tonight because I think Twilight and Spike are up to something.”

At the sound of this, Pinkie Pie's ears shot up, and her trademark bright eyed face twinkled with delight.

“Ooh! Ooh! Are they planning a surprise party!?” Pinkie chirped excitedly. Rainbow Dash began to growl with impatience.
“I LOVE SURPRISE PARTIES!” Pinkie screamed. The rest of the five ponies winced as her piercing shriek rang through the air.

“Now look, everypony!” Rainbow Dash slammed her hooves down on the table in front of her. “I saw Twilight and Spike running as fast as they could towards the Everfree Forest. When I caught up with Twilight and Spike, both of them were shivering with nervousness, not unlike somepony who had just been caught doing something... wrong. I could see it.”

At this point Rainbow became entirely caught up with her own speech, dazzling the others and caused them to give each other worried looks.

“There was something in their eyes... something they were hiding... something they would never want a living soul to find out.”

Before Rarity had a chance to rebuke her, Rainbow Dash stuck a hoof in her direction, signalling for her to 'hold that thought'.

“Now, I respect privacy as much as the next pony, but what if they're doing something bad? What if they're... plotting to destroy Ponyville or something?!

Rarity looked at her multi-coloured friend in like she was an absolute nutcase.

“Okay, first of all, Rainbow Dash, have you ever stopped to think that maybe Twilight and Spike were actually being truthful, but were just nervous because you brow-beating them so much?”

Rainbow Dash eyed the ground pensively. “Nope. Not at all. In fact it never even crossed my mind until now.”

Rarity looked around at the other three. “See? This is what I'm talking about! Why does everything always have to be such a huge palaver?!” She got up and left, leaving the rest of the group to shuffle uncomfortably.

“She's right.” Applejack said, as she stood up and left the room. “Y'all talkin' mumbo-jumbo.”
“I guess... I should get going... see you later Rainbow Dash...” Came a hush voice from the corner, as the cream coloured pony herself carefully slipped out of the room.

“Fine! I don't need you guys anyway! I can handle this on my own!” Rainbow shouted to herself. She levitated above the ground for a moment, admiring the new-found motiviation she had given herself, when she felt a presence in the room along with her. A certain presence that was grinning gleefully, and bouncing multiple feet in the air.

“AND ME AS WELL!” Pinkie exclaimed, her face full of excitement... as usual.

Well into the thickness of Everfree Forest, two wandering figures waded through the darkness that lingered eerily in the air around them. The only light that guided their way was a weak light-spell emanating from Twilight's horn, and that wasn't nearly enough to ease their fear. Every twig-snap, every rustle of the leaves that sounded from the forest floor sent a jolt of terror up the spines of both of them.

“Tw-Twilight.. d'y..d'yknow where abouts we are right now?” Spike said through chattering fangs.

“I'm n-not sure Sp-Sp-Sp-Spike...” Came a stuttered reply. They both shivered as a gust of cool wind embraced them from behind like an unwanted bear-hug.

“Wait, Twi, did you hear th-that? Spike asked fearfully, praying that it was just his imagination.

“Oh hush, Spike, as if this isn't scary enough!”

“No, really! I think there's something over there!”

Spike began shifting uneasily towards a small shrubbery a couple metres away from the path. Twilight watched in both curiosity and horror as Spike was approaching his potential death.

“Spike!” She whispered. “Come back here, this instant!”. Spike ignored her orders and continued shuffling towards the bush, occasionally glancing at his scaly feet as he carefully placed one in front of the other.

“...a...anyone there?” Spike managed to find his voice. He nearly shrieked when a muffled sound of meat being chewed by ferocious jaws rang through the air from behind the shrubbery.

“Oh jeez, oh jeez!” Spike whispered to himself.

He could smell a pungent fried aroma in the air. “Is that... is that a fried chocolate bar or something? Damn, that reeks.”
He peeked his little purple head around the bush as slowly as he could. For a brief moment, Spike saw the silhouette of a small pony. A colt, or a filly? Before his question was answered, the shadowy figure leaped into the air with astounding force, letting out the most piercing, horrifying roar. Spike fell back in fright and screamed, as well as Twilight, who flailed a wild hoof, hoping to land a blow on something.

“AYEE, WEE LADDY, WHAT BE YOUR BIZNEES WANDERIN' AROUND THESE WUUDS AT NAAIIT.”

Neither Spike nor Twilight could properly see the pony, but his accent was... unique, and he spoke with a booming and deep voice, completely unmatching to his size.

“Wha-! S-sorry M-Mister, We'll j-j-j-j-just l-leave and g-go this way, and...”
The figure stepped out and revealed himself. He had a light-brown mane with a darker coloured mane, which lay frazzled upon his beefy neck.

One thing that was instantly noticeable at first sight, was how unbelievably short he was. He was shorter than Spike, but was completely out of proportion. His legs were minuscule compared the rest of his body, which completely juxtaposed the overall intimidation of his character.

When the pony saw who had sneaked up on him, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ayyyyeee... beg your pardons f'snappin' at ye like that. Y'see me ol' ball n' chain has been keepin' me on a strict diet. So I been sneakin' out back around these woods 'ere, tuckin' into some snacks.”

Twilight and Spike stared back at him with the utmost confusion.

“Well, don't all ye talk at once! The name's Sirathur, before ye jump up to ask us.”

“Sirathur?” Spike repeated to himself. “That's a funny name for a pony with a cutie mark of bagpipes.”

…

“Shut your mouth, laddy.”