This aint a serious story so calm your udders.
*POP ZING ZAP BONG*
"Yo what the fuck happened." Said Jason as he looked around his surroundings. "What the hell is this!" He gasped in utter shock. There were trees with apples in them all around him, with what looked to be a barn and a fucked ass farm house with several discolored horse doing horse things. "Yo what the hell going on? This is a fucking trip but I hadn't smoked a blunt in a day, da hell?" He tried to step forward only to realize he is on a toilet bowl. 'Why the fuck am I a goddamn toi-" His thoughts were cut off as he let out a massive shout. "A HOO THAT WAS A BIG ASS FUCKING TURD WHAT THE HELL." He then tried to get on his feet again when he projectile shat out his Kawasaki MT1 bike, destroying his anus and the toilet he was sitting on. "How di- where did tha- WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT IS THIS!" He was on the verge of having a mental break down. "Oh well least i got my baby" He happily exclaimed to himself as he hopped on the miniature motorcycle. He proceeded to turn the key and start the engine, revving his 75cc engine. "Hell yeah now lets go check out that barn, maybe someone here will help me." He then twisted the throttle to the full extent speeding down the orchard at around 10-15 MPH. "Oh yeah so this is what speed is like. WHOO HOO!" He was getting closer and closer to barn.
Meanwhile at the barn
"Yo beg mac her dat vrom vrom comin closr wut is goin on is dis a bee attuck bettuh get da family in da ugly ass house no wut im sayin" said a female yellow pony with a goddamn stetson to another male red pony. "da fuck you say?" He replied back.
Back to Jason.
'Horry shet im going to damn fast i need to slow down.' He thought to himself, barely managing to keep the bike in control. 2hrs have passed before he finally made it to the barn. "YO WHERE THE BITCHES AT!" He yelled, in an attempt to get a reply back from someone. "Who in the tar-nation was THAT!" Said a southern female voice. 'Wow that ho sounds nice as hell' He thought to himself as he dismounted off his bike. "Hello, where are you at ma-am!" He replied back, trying to sound as much as a gentleman as possible. Walking toward the last known location of that voice, he suddenly faceplanted as he got fucking kicked in the back of the head. He got knocked out. such is life Equestria. apple.
Then he waddled away (waddle waddle) til the very next day.
"Hey you!" Screamed a feminine voice. "Hey wake up you ugly ape." This woke the human up. "Excuse the fuck me. what did you just say bitch?" He said, anger in his voice. "WHAT? You dont talk to me that way you disgusting ape." The feminine voice retorted.
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo." He heaved as he finished he lengthy sentence. The voice laughed and replied.
" I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you." The voice laughed and laughed. Suddenly Jason felt an extreme pain in his abdomen. "Arghhh" He screamed out. He then began to regain his vision only to realize he is in a stone room with a white tall horse standing in front of him.
"Hello Jason. I've been expecti-" WHAM! The horse was cut off as a fist impacted its face. "OUCH! HOW DARE YOU HIT A ROYAL PRINCESS! GUARDS, SEIZE THIS FEEBLE BEING!" She yelled out. Suddenly around seventy short white ponies with swords n shit swarmed the room. "YOU ARE GOING DOWN, APE!" Screamed one of the white pony in front of the group. "Bring it on smelly pony!"
END CHAPTER
