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Arc 1: The Novice; Chapter 1:The Hell Just Happened!?
Chapter 1 Alt Title: I Goddamn Hate Creepy Merchant Guys
Okay. So. Where do I start?
Well, my name is [REDACTED]. Wait a minute... that's not right.
Hold on a minute.
Updating Naming Protocols
Please Stand By For Hard Reset
Error: Clearance Level Denied; Cannot Edit Protocols
Well scrap.
Okay then, since this Fourth Wall Story Editor won't let me use my real name, I suppose I'll just have to use the one I've been using ever since I got to this place.
*Ahem* You may call me... Skiá .
...Okay, yeah no. That's a dumbass name and I am not standing for it. Or...floating as is more appropriate at the moment.
Screw it, my name is Umbra , which is better, I guess.
Anyways, so right now, I'm in Equestria. Current location: a small magical bubble inside Canterlot's dungeons.
I suppose I should tell you how I, a former human, got into Equestria in the first place, right?
Well... it goes like this:
Rewind the Clock: 6 hours ago
My friends and I were at Comic-con for my very, very, very late twenty first birthday party. Like, literally seven months after my actual birthday in December.
I was dressed as Dr. Facilier's Shadow, my friend Seth as the good doctor himself, and my other friends were dressed in a mish-mash of other fandoms and costumes including Adam as Vladimir Lenin, Ben as Goku, Theresa as a frickin' cat of all things, and Bill as Tobi.
Yeah, kind of an odd group, I know.
As we entered, we all split up and promised to meet by the food court at noon.
And Seth and I patrolled the 'con, me mirroring his every move.
After a while, Seth left to use the bathroom while I waited for him. As I waited for him to finish, I spotted a strange stand right across from the bathrooms that appeared to be an entire prop shop.
Did I mention the creepy guy dressed like the merchant from Resident Evil 4 manning the booth?
Curious, I decided to take a look while I waited. Once inside the confines of the strangely spacious shop, I noticed some other patron wearing the most badass Transformers: Prime Soundwave costume I have ever seen. Taking a moment to appreciate his style, I noticed that he was apparently buying a Laserbeak prop.
Whatever.
I was about to leave; none of the props were very useful to my black-on-black-on-black costume, but then I noticed this one prop that I just couldn't bring myself to ignore: a plain, black mask with painted on white eyes. I didn't know what I was staring at; it was just so... perfect , despite being less impressive than that Laserbeak prop, or that weird sword in the corner.
I knew just then I had to have it.
So I paid for it and I was just putting it on when Seth got out of the bathroom. It was pretty easy to put on, though I had to take off my awesome black top-hat to strap it on.
As I strapped it on, I noticed a group of neckbeards harassing these two guys, one of which was also Tobi and the other... Yoshimitsu? Cool
Well, I just finished putting on the mask when Seth came out of the bathroom, and I waved him over with a, "Dude, check out my new mask! Isn't it awesome?"
And then everything started spinning around; the next thing I knew, I was falling through what looked like the mother of all paradoxes.
My last thoughts as I blacked out were, 'Hah! I knew my multiverse theories were right!'
And that's how I got here...well almost.
I woke up to the screams of wind flying past my ears as I fell out of a friggin' portal in the sky towards a...shining white castle on a mountain?
Shit. I was headed on a crash course straight at Canterlot Castle.
Here's hoping the landing doesn't hurt too much.
POV Shift: Third Person Omniscient
Twilight Sparkle, newly crowned alicorn Princess, looked up as the sky darkened as a giant disk of shadow briefly appeared and spat something out, something headed straight for the castle.
As the object approached, everypony on the castle grounds, nay, Canterlot became aware of a shrill screaming noise, faint, but growing louder.
"FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
CRASH
"...ow"
POV Shift: First Person- Umbra's View
Shit, that hurt. Okay, so I'm fine, given that I just crashed into some very solid marble at approximately 300 miles per hour (Screw Kilometers, it's confusing converting from miles. Damn you American Education System!), I was surprised to still be alive.
As I glanced over myself to check for any injuries, I noticed that, though I looked mostly the same, I was now...flatter looking, and not as reflective. Like I was a...shadow.
Shit. Not this. Anything but this.
"Fuck, Fimfiction was right. Goddammit all."
And that's when everything went to Hell, because Princess Luna decided to bust through the wall just then, flanked closely by Celestia and Twilight Sparkle, all with their horns charged and glowing, probably ready to annihilate me at a moment's notice.
"HALT STRANGE CREATURE! WHAT BUSINESS HAVE YOU INVADING OUR CITY AND ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY OUR CASTLE!?"
ow. owowowowowowowow.
Shit, that really hurts.
Oh. it appears as though I've begun to flatten myself out on the floor like a proper shadow.
WAIT, WHAT!?
Ignoring the trio of angry Princesses, I promptly turned tail and jumped off the...balcony? yeah, balcony, that I landed on and proceeded to flee like a little bitch.
"Oh shit shit shit shit shit!"
And that's when Rainbow dash appeared out of nowhere, punched me through the face, and passed through me like I wasn't even there.
Weirdest day ever.
As I made good on my escape, I inadvertently made my way to a cliff.
Noticing the cliff, but not wanting to be stuffed in a cell, I jumped and discovered something new:
I was capable of unassisted flight, but I didn't have much control.
"WOOHOO!! WOO– OH SHITSHITSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII–"
Thud
"Goddammit not again"
Fucking cliffs screwed me over.
End Chapter 1
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Arc 1: The Novice; Chapter 2:Oh Fuck, My Head. Shitshitshit.
Chapter 2 Alt Title: Learn Your Abilities Before Taunting Magical Pony Princesses
So there I was, splattered against a cliff. No seriously, I was literally a giant splotch mark on the cliff.
It was so weird.
And all of a sudden, three irate pony Princesses fly over and notice the giant splotch mark that wasn't there before.
"Princess Celestia, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Yes Twilight, it appears as though our mystery assailant has left their mark, though I do wonder where they could have gone."
"It matters not, sister. We will find them and see them brought to justice!"
Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.
Just...don't move...stay still....and oh shit I'm starting to reform. Please don't notice me.
"Princess, look!"
Aaaaaaand it looks like I'm screwed. Fuck this shit, I'm out.
And I let myself fall, somehow streamlining myself into a shadowy bullet and falling far faster than they could fly...I hope.
Meanwhile, a small part of my brain thought, 'Wait...wasn't Twilight just turned into an Alicorn Princess? How is she flying so soon? '
Well, no time to think about that. Focusing, I proceeded to drop even faster, my rear surface suddenly sprouting a smoky trail of shadows, propelling me down and SPLASH through a river, into the ground and apparently into those weird crystal caves that Cadance was trapped in during the wedding episode.
"Whew. Okay, I think I lost them... for now."
"Traveler's log: Day one. I don't know why I'm talking to myself again, but it's probably keeping me from going insane. Right now, I'm in Equestria due to that weird mask I bought. Situation is fairly dire, although my newfound talents seem to aide in escaping any and all forms of attempted capture.
Unfortunately, I really need to know what I can do, so, here's hoping that real life in Equestria works like how Fimfiction says it does, and let's take stock.
My current form appears to be that of a tall, humanoid, three-dimensional shadow. I don't reflect light, and I can apparently shape-shift. However, this form also requires an effort to maintain, which I can tell isn't from the fact that as a shadow, I should be flat on the ground.
Rambling aside, let's see what happens if I just try to relax just a little bit ...SHIT that feels odd."
My voice echoed through the caverns, and anyone – anypony, I mean, would probably find it odd to hear me rambling about such inane and nonsensical things.
"Okay, that was odd, but this form is apparently my natural state now. It appears as though I have luminescent eyes, and a luminescent formless mouth, which moves as I speak, as any good mouth should.
I, from what I can see of my reflection, appear to be a rather long-ish serpent made of...shadows. My eyes are approximately six inches across by five inches fully opened, though measurements vary. They are approximately almond shaped and fairly luminescent, from what I can tell, about bright enough to faintly light a path, but not enough to blind anypony. Odd, but workable.
I am currently levitating about three feet above the ground and am capable of full 3D maneuvering. I also appear to be trailing little wisps behind me and I also have two small slivers that act as hands...despite being shaped like overly stylized paws. Great. I think I'm going insane. Shut up, Me! Back to scientific observation! Okay! I also have weird...ear slivers? The hell? Son of a bitch, I look like a color inverted version of Pangur Ban from Secret of Kells! Well, the mask was faintly reminiscent of the cat's face... You know what, fuck it, I'd rather look like a humanoid shadow than this, even if it's Dr. Facilier's. Okay. Cursory observations done... let's see what happens if I just kinda... SHIT!"
Well that was odd, I guess I can make myself into a weapon. Should have guessed, what with the shapeshifting and all.
"Alright, my arm is now a rather large blade, and I can't feel too well using it. Further experimentation will have to wait. How about shadow to shadow interactions?....And I'm now on the other side of the cavern, in another shadow. Cool. Wait... what's that sound?"
RUMBLE RUMBLE CRASH
"Oh shit! They found me!"
And I ran like a bitch, forgetting that I could easily start flying, due to my panicked state.
"There he is, don't let him get away!"
"NOPEnopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope!"
"HALT FOUL CREATURE! WE COMMAND YOU TO STOP! "
At Luna's shout, I immediately fell to the ground and began whimpering in pain; looks like I got a sensory upgrade when I came over. I really now wish I hadn't, would have kept them from catching me in that bubble.
"Aagh, my ears. Oh shit, I'm trapped! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
"Be silent, strange creature, for thine vulgar phrases doth offend us greatly."
"Luna, be polite. Hello there, my name is Princess Celestia–"
"And I'm very confused right now, what did I do exactly?"
"–You crashed into my castle and nearly destroyed three balconies, four towers and sixteen different guest rooms. The falling debris nearly injured many of my little ponies, and you attempted to resist arrest. So what do you have to say for yourself?"
So that's what happened. Yikes, I didn't expect the damage to be that bad, I thought it was just the one balcony.
"...Well that seems like a perfectly reasonable statement, except for the fact that I couldn't control my flight path. Sorry about that."
All three Princesses blinked in unison, then Twilight spoke, "You mean to say that all that damage was accidental?"
"Yup"
"What are you, anyways? I've never seen any creature as strange as you"
"I'm apparently a shadow at this point, but I used to be a human, from a universe a few doors down."
"Lies! There is no force in the universe that can cross the barrier between universes!"
"It's true! You know what, fuck this, I'm out"
At this, I proceeded to slash a trench in the ground, and used the shadow cast by the new skylight to teleport back up to the surface.
"Later, bitches!"
I turned to run-
Wham!
-and promptly knocked my stupid ass out on the inside of another bubble.
That was just not my day.
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Arc 1: The Novice; Chapter 3: And That Brings Us To Now
Chapter 3 Alt Title: I Really Fucked This Up, Didn't I?
When I woke, well, that brings us to where we where before the flashback, when I chose my new name.
"Ugh, Jesus Christ, why on earth did I taunt three, pissed off, powerful, pony Princesses? Heh, alliteration.
Wait a minute, where am I now? And why am I floating in this bubble?"
"I see you're awake, to be honest, I didn't think you would wake up anytime soon, given that you knocked yourself out on my shield spell."
Oh, when did Princess Celestia get here? I guess that explains the gold tint in this otherwise transparent bubble.
"Greetings, Princess. I apologize for the mess I caused, a three hundred mile per hour impact into solid stone often causes quite a bit of delirium in its victims as you can imagine."
Princess Celestia's light glare eased up, just a little, and I think that the room cooled a few degrees. I'd say it warmed up, but that's reserved for Luna's icy Death Glare, not Celestia's burning Rage Stare. Deciding to mess with her, just a little- didn't want to be obliterated after all- I followed a new set of instincts that led to me collapsing into a 'liquid' form, then using my own shadow mass to teleport outside the containment spell, right next to the Princess herself.
Curses, I'm in my natural state again.
Celestia looks unperturbed, but the room temperature cools again, this time it's starting to reach from the upper sixties to the upper fifties. I think I pissed her off-yup, she's using a mild death glare.
"I won't ask how you did that, but I will ask that you do not do so again, if only for the sake of your continued health."
"...Yes ma'am..."
I couldn't help it, I flinched. Despite being a pony, and also being ridiculously friggin' adorable, Princess Celestia commanded enough fear and respect to make the newly found semi-indestructible me flinch like a wuss. And I gotta say, I wasn't surprised.
"Now then, I'm sure you have questions, your Highness. I'll answer to the best of my ability, if I can."
"Good. Now then, what exactly are you? You don't seem to match any known species on record, and I've never seen anything like you in the millennia that I've been alive."
"...Long story, but the gist of it is that I used to be a 'human', a nearly hairless, tall, primate-looking creature of intelligence approaching or surpassing pony-kind, depending on the subject. Though, as of right now, the best way to describe me is a shadow."
"Where did you come from?"
"While I don't know exactly where in the multiverse I came from, I do know that it was a universe entirely different from this one, given that there was no magic."
"No magic? Interesting. Now then, just what are your intentions towards Equestria and my little ponies?"
"I dunno, I think I'd just like to live somewhere peaceful, learn about this world a bit, maybe have some fun...I don't have any plans for now."
"Well then, I see no reason for any more worry, come with me and we'll get you settled into your new job"
Well, that was easy. Wait, new job?
"What new job?"
"You're going to repair everything that you destroyed, and since you're getting paid for it, you'll also need to buy new decorations for the rooms that you destroyed when you impacted my castle."
"Oh yeah...sorry about that, by the way. Mistakes happen, y'know? I didn't even realize what was going on at that point."
The two of us walked out of the dungeon, coming out in a little used part of the castle, judging from the bits of cobwebs scattered around.
You know what, I think I'll actually enjoy my stay here; it's not like I had much back home anyways...except for my computer.
Time Skip: 3 Weeks Later
Okay, y'know what?
Life in Equestria so far sucks [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Like really, really massive [EXPLETIVE DELETED].
I thought that repairing the damage would be easy, but let's just say that it wasn't. For a clearer picture, think of Canterlot Castle.
Now take out four towers and three balconies. Yeah. The dust cloud was still there, still thrown up from the force of my landing.
Gods, kill me now.
...Wait, what the hell is up with the Sun? And the Moon?
Something isn't right, think dumbass, what could it be?
Oh shit, season 4 episode 1. Time to haul ass to Ponyville.
Given that I knew where I wanted to teleport out of, that being Twilight's shadow, I popped out without much difficulty.
I shouldn't have, given how much effort I put into figuring myself out over the past few weeks.
"Good...morning?...Princess. I see Ponyville's having a bit of a weed problem, would you like some help?"
"Gah! Where did you come from?" "Well when a mommy shadow and a daddy shadow love each other very much-" "Nevermind! Just help get rid of these plants!" "As you wish"
Another great thing about being able to do what I do: I figured out how to use shadows not just as teleport locations, but tunnels and refractors, letting me send parts of my body through at a time, and out of multiple shadows as well.
Yeah, I thought it was a little OP as well, but since I have it, I can't complain.
And I put it to very good use: each vine cast a shadow, there were also shadows everywhere, so all the vines were appropriately sliced, diced, and made into the world's weirdest julienne fries.
I felt like such a badass right then.
"Problem solved, Princess. Will that be all?"
"Well, I suppose so-WATCH OUT!" "Huh?"
STAB
"ARGH SON OF A BITCH!"
"Umbra!"
"Just kidding"
I stared at the vine jabbed straight through my chest with a sense of vague numbness, it wasn't like I was hurt or anything, I think my 'nerve endings' shut off to keep from me from feeling pain.
Without another word, I shredded the vine from tip to root, using shadows both internal and external; I was a bit annoyed right then.
You know what, screw keeping the timeline intact.
"Princess, I think I know how to fix this, gather the Elements of Harmony and follow me.
An hour later, and the Elements of Harmony were back in the Tree of Harmony, the vines were gone, and I got to brutally murder a cragadile...or whatever the fuck it's called.
In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have done that in front of the Element bearers, but hey, preemptive defense.
End Arc 1
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Arc 2: The Apprentice; Chapter 1:An Interlude, And An Actual Chapter
Interlude:
Okay, remember back in Chapter 1, when I thought something about multiverse theories?
Well, what I saw before I blacked out was basically this:
A void filled with an immeasurable amount of bubbles of limited spacetime, with a paradoxical void of unlimited unreality between.
I saw bubbles form, branch, split, and die–not necessarily in that order either.
This ties in very well with my multiverse theories of each universe being the offshoot of a different universe- a "base" timeline, if you will.
As for why I thought about my multiverse theories before I blacked out, well, going through that portal felt really weird, made me delirious and all.
I'd rather not talk about it
Interlude 2: How I knew exactly what to do based on the show
This one is pretty easy to explain. As a brony, I knew exactly where the overall timeline of Equestria was, based on major events. Since I crashed into Princess Twilight's coronation– which freaking hurt, by the way–I knew I was somewhere between the end of season three and the beginning of season four, as seen when I brutally murdered that cragadile.
Yeah, that part was awesome
Chapter 4 Alt Title: What The Fuck Am I Even Doing?
Or: An Attempt to Break The 2K Words Mark
T minus six hours
I was having a pretty good day that day, having finished repairing and replacing everything that I destroyed in my...arrival. And it only took about a month and a half, not bad if I do say so myself.
It took three days in Equestria for me to realize that I didn't get hungry or thirsty unless I wanted to. It took another four days of nonstop working for me to realize I didn't need to sleep.
Despite that, I acted as if I did, mostly because a) sleeping and eating are fun, and b) I didn't want Twilight to use me as a labrat, even if she managed to find out more about my new form.
Never again. Ever.
So now I was living in Ponyville of all places, in Twilight's library. Despite the damage I could cause if I decided to be evil.
I think this is another test of my word. At least I get to do something fun, that being scour the Everfree and get rid of anything dangerous that heads toward civilization.
So far, it's been surprisingly hectic, though one wouldn't expect it. The Everfree is massive, and there are a lot of cities to protect.
Also there's the monsters. Yeah, there's a lot of them. Hydras, manticores, cockatrices, basilisks –literally sixty foot long snakes that can kill with a stare. Not petrify, kill –, giant insects, timberwolves, direwolves , and oh yeah, minor eldritch beings from beyond the edge of the world-bubble.
Slenderman is real, and he is a pony, Slendermane. He's surprisingly nice, offered me tea and cookies.
Nice guy, helps out when he can.
Well, at least I know what happens when I steal shadows. Yeah. I can steal shadows. It's not pretty.
Flashback:
I was patrolling the forest around midnight. The moon was full (as always), the air was clear, and I was dying to sink my teeth into something of boredom. And we all know what happens when we tempt fate in a dark and spooky forest.
RRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOORRRRRRRR
"Oh shit, a hydra! That's the third one this week! Where are they coming from!?"
While I cursed the forest for being so damn huge, the hydra started wandering in the general direction of Fillydelphia. Noticing this, I panicked a little and grabbed at the beast's shadow, latching on. Then I followed a set of instincts that I didn't know I had and pulled . Let's just say...that hydra's going to have a really difficult time trying to pull itself together again. As in, from the very magic it dissolved into.
Yeah. not pretty.
After that, I started to venture further into the Everfree, mostly to practice against the horrors lurking within, partially because, if you look past the spooky exterior, the Everfree is downright beautiful in a way that's never been seen on earth. It really is that pretty.
I think I'm starting to like this place. Weird.
T minus 4 hours
Two hours after I started patrolling, I was struck with the weirdest idea: what if I tried to see what the void really looked like? With that crazy idea stuck in my head, I tried to teleport where no one had ever teleported before: right outside the boundary separating finite space from infinite paradox.
My first impression of the void was that of the weirdest kaleidoscope I'd ever seen, it was empty, then full, blinding, deafening, yet pitch-black and dead silent at the same time.
My second impression was that there sure were some weird ass things living between universes, many taking the image of the main inhabitants of their patron universe, others being formless blobs of paradox and magic. Oh look, here comes one now, it appears to be...Fausticorn !?
This pony. Yeah.
My third impression was very sudden and came almost immediately following my second impression. What was it, you ask? Well...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! "
Pain. Horrible, unending, soul-eating pain. It was so bad you could practically hear the capitals. Oh wait, you're reading this on a screen from a few universes over, you can just see the capitals written down.
Oh, I believe I'm experiencing the kind of clarity that only horrible, soul-wrenching agony can bring. It also appears that I'm delirious again. I think I'm still screaming. How am I even doing that? There's no air here, so it's all fake...isn't it?
I should probably note that–oh look at the pretty colors, why do they hurt so much?– normal creatures of flesh and blood would already be faded and gone. It's only my being made of an absence instead of a presence that's keeping me alive. Hey, is Fausticorn talking?
"You foolish, young shadow creature, why in my name would you do this to yourself," my god, that voice is so pretty, but so wrong at the same time, "if you weren't so young and I weren't so soft towards younglings, I'd have left you to suffer your stupidity. As it is, I gift you with Paradox Survival+3, use it well, for there will come the day that I will ask for repayment. Enjoy your time until then, for I will be waiting."
Oh shit, this is bad. Oh look, my senses are clearing...but I'm still feeling crazy? Oh yes, I guess the only way to comprehend a paradox is to be insane...or be made of a paradoxical concept (like shadows) in the first place.
Good thing I'm both, otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you right now.
T minus 2 hours
I woke up in a hospital, Twilight's face hovering above my own, feeling like shit-on-fire. How the hell did I end up back here? The last thing I remember was teleporting back into the universe wrong and falling into the Everfree as a darkly burning chunk of shadows and paradoxes.
"Umbra, are you okay? You crashed into the Everfree an hour ago, so I brought you here...What happened? Is there something out there that we need to be worried about? Is it some new danger to Equestria? Oh no, don't tell me the Gates of Tartarus have opened! Oh no oh no oh no no no no–"
"Princess, I'm fine. I just did something stupid, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going back on patrol. I'll be back later."
I tried to teleport back to my house, but instead of my normal 'compress into myself' shadow teleport, I got a 'vanish into a crackle of weirdly colored lightning and shadows' type deal. God, what the hell happened in the void? All I remember is Fausticorn saying something about paradox survival or something.
Fuck it, I'm tired. Time to go take a nap.
Ignition in 10...
Two hours later, I woke up with another stupid idea: I was going to visit another universe.
...9...
But how? Maybe I could survive the void, but I didn't know if I could survive entry into another universe, or if I could even hop the barriers. Whatever, nothing ventured, nothing gained, as I like to say.
...8...
With the stupid idea in my head, I immediately jumped out of the universe, folding space-time and poking a hole barely large enough for a photon to pass through, just enough for me to pop through.
...7...
I immediately found myself in the exact place I was before. I looked around for a universe to pop into, each individual bubble ranging in size from baseball-sized to whale-sized. I guess everything in the void gets smaller if it's big enough. What? Anyways, spotting a nice, beach ball sized bubble a few...uh...shit...not too far away, I...drifted?...over and scanned the properties of the universe, just to see what was inside. Oh? It appears to be an Equestria slightly farther back in the timeline than mine. This'll be fun. Special races...Shadowborn ? Oh. OH. This'll be real fun now.
After trying to pop in, I got a message that told me to enter a name for my 'invasion plaque' like the thing from Dark Souls, apparently. Shrugging, I entered the name 'Umbra Shadow-Walker' and moved forward.
...6...
Landing near a cave at the bottom of Canterlot Mountain, I saw a glitched out message saying:
'Ư̴̢ͩ̄ͣ̌̐͐͋̂̇̓̚͡҉̭̮̺̞̠͕̘͓̭͚m̴̴̈́ͯ̉͒̓͛̈́̃̈̀ͮͥ̐̂̑̍̈́ͥ͞͡҉͙̭͔͉b̷̥̫̩̤̲̑͌ͥ̂̆̑̍̅͋̚r̂̑͑̓̆̂̽͞͏̡̫̬̠̟̻͍̀͝a͛ͪ̽ͣͫͧ͘͏̴̪̜̪̘͓͜ ̋̊̐̂̅̋̈́͢҉̝̘͇̤̩̦̱̗̹̺̜̤̘̟͎́Ş̵̖͎̗͙͈̦̪̱̇̀̆̂̅͗͂͌ͣͥ̈̇̈́͊ͣͨ̋̀h̶̝̱̯̦͚͂̂̒ͮ̀͘͜͞a͔̖̪̠̖͈̬̤̱̬̞͒̆͐͒ͣ̔̐̆̀ͨ͟͝͞ͅd̶̳̦͕̥̻̬̰̱̩͓͎̝͋̏͆̆͑͗̈́ͧ̉̐̇̃́͝ͅo͂͌ͪͫ͆ͨ͗̌́̉̅͊̃͗̆̐́̚̚͞҉̨̝̫͇̥͉͙̜̗ͅw̶͉̲̮̣̖̬͓̹̬̼̠̬͚̏͌̒̌ͣ̊ͤͩ́ͭͨͤ̇̅ͣ́͞-̴̢̢̥̦̰̹̩͚̜̭̹̤͕̮͂̓̅̒́͠ͅW̨̃ͮ̈́̋͗͌̎ͪ͝͝͏̧̳̙̹͙͔̘̳̖̠̻̭̫̻͈̣͙a̬̼̰̺̞̰̹̻͈̫̭̤̙͕̗̍̐ͤ̕͜ͅļ̴̡͉͕̤̣̪̗̹͉͇̩͉̬͍̙̘͇͇̲̋̒ͤ̈̄̾̓̑ͨ͑̐̈́͐͝ͅk̵̴͈͉͈̈́̐̊̇ͭ̇̄͒ͯ̕͠ͅe̛̍̃̃́̉̐̈́̃͌̐́̚҉͔̠͖̯͉̱̲̥̞͠r̵̪̥̝̞̝̦̦̥̒̈̍̇ͣ͑ͦ͘͜ ̷̢̣̗͕͉̤̬ͯ̉̄̈́ͤ̆̄͊͜͝ͅĩ̸̪͕̯̪̠̫̦͈́̏̾̇͑ͥ̄̇̽̓͗ͬ̋̇͗̏̒̀͞ͅn̅ͣ̍̐̀̎̈́͛ͬ̋̎̑͒͑̓ͫ͛͏̷̢͔̪̱͖̲̜͓̼̲ͅv̛̬̠͔̱͎̫̯͍͔̩̬̅̅̈́̍ͩͭͬ̂ͮ̈́̑̓̀͘a̟̖̬͉̥̺͍̣̠͎̥͇̞̤̙̖ͣͨ̄̓͌ͧͯͥ̈ͮ̀́d̡̙̦͍̣͍̭̪͇͑̾̽ͭͣ͛ͭ̇̃̂̌ͣ̂̿̌͒̚͘ͅę̛̺̹̮͇̖̩̥̭̝͚̺ͬ̂̔͑ͩͭ͛͊̏͐͆̎͐̈̄͒ͫ́̕d̷̵̰̗̫͉̳̞͚̺̟͑ͩ̊ͤ́̚͟͜'
I don't know about you, but I think I may have screwed over the 'invasion' system with my forced entry. Whoops.
...5...
Almost immediately after, I heard a feminine voice say, "The fuck is this shit!? Nocturne, you have any idea what this means?"
Looks like I found a fellow, I guess Displaced is the term...I hope it's a Displaced and not some random pony that I'm about to attack.
I don't really want to fight, being a bit of a wuss and all, but instinct is telling me that resisting the urge to fight only works for the Nudist Invader.
...4...
Clearing my...throat...yeah...I think I still have one...sorta...I announced,"To whoever lives in that cave, I'm going to attack you now. Defend yourself!"
...3...
Launching my arm into a nearby shadow in blade form, I was rewarded with a strangled squawk of surprise and another shadowy being roll out of the cave, frantically dodging my arm...arms...yeah. Did I mention that every time they enter another shadow they multiply? This is hilarious. I'm also keeping the terrain clear by pressing my arm flat against the ground after every 'shadow jump' my arms perform. Aren't I just so nice?
...2...
Oh, looks like she managed to pin my arms. I wonder how, oh yeah, she's also a shadow.
"Hey asshole, I lived in that cave! Did I come to your house and wreck it? No! What the hell is your problem!?"
Cute.
...Houston we have liftoff...
"Hello there. My name is Umbra, and I'll be your invader for today. Come at me with the intent to kill or you'll die. Now DODGE!"
"SHIT!"
"AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DODGE WHELP! DODGE! COME ON, I'M NOT EVEN TRYING! GIVE ME A CHALLENGE!"
"SUCK A FAT ONE! SHIT! NOCTURNE, HELP!"
I paused for a moment, expecting another Displaced to pop out of the cave and help, but all I noticed was that the Displaced I was fighting merely had her eyes glazed over and suddenly she was dodging better than before, and using a wider range of skills as well.
Interesting.
"Come now, with that performance, I might as well show you how a REAL shadow fights!"
With that, I sunk into the ground, shifting into my natural form for better control. Immediately, I heard a shout of,
"Shit! Where'd he go!? Nocturne, help me find him!"
It's not going to be that easy, girl. Sending out spikes into the shadow I was hidden in, I was rewarded with a forest of spikes erupting from the shadows all around the area, each reaching about twenty feet up, and then erupting again, horizontally. Rinse repeat. The area is now a writhing mass of shadows and shredded foliage, which only adds more shadows, making more spikes, shredding more scenery, etc etc.
Hoh? It appears that my time is almost up. Grinning, I withdraw my spikes and rise from the shadows, shifting back to my preferred form again. Spotting me, the shadow girl fairly explodes at me, "YOU ASSHOLE! I'M GONNA MURDER YOUR ASS!" Chuckling, I raise my hands in the classic surrender position and drop a bag full of bits and some other random, yet helpful objects, on the ground.
"Good job, you managed to keep me from killing and absorbing you, though you obviously need to work on your attacks. May I ask your name?"
"Wha? Nevermind! What the hell was the big idea with all that? You could have killed me!"
"No time to explain, my time is almost out. Your name?"
"Abyss, why do you need to know?"
"Nice to meet you. I'll be sure to visit again one day. Seeya!"
With that, I was ejected from the universe and back into the void. I guess universes don't like the invasion system. Good thing I got a backdoor access now.
If that wasn't clear, if I get someone's name, I can teleport to them whenever I want, even if they're a universe or two or three or thirty away.
Umbra too OP, must nerf.
Okay, well, now I'm floating in the void again, and all these inter-dimensional horrorterrors are starting to get curious. Good thing that most of my journeys will only be in the area under the jurisdiction of the Fausticorn. Speaking of which, there she is over there!
Hey! Can you see me? I'm waving! Hi! Giving a jaunty wave of a hoof back, Fausticorn continues to patrol her own little universe collection while I reenter my own Equestria.
Apparently reentering a universe is like atmospheric reentry except instead of a fireball, it's a comet of void energy and lightning.
It's disgustingly mind-breaking to look at, and impact still hurts. At least I don't dig up much of a crater.
View Online
Arc 2: The Apprentice; Chapter 2: So, Who's Up for SHENANIGANS?
Chapter 5 Alt Title: In Which I Tour the Multiverse and Bring Back Souveneirs
Friday morning, June 3, Year XXXX
Alright, today, I leave on a sort of vacation in the Void and possibly other Universes. It'll probably dangerous, since some places and entities are less than hospitable, but I shouldn't have too much of a problem, given my whole 'I-can-touch-you-but-you-can't-touch-me' thing going on. I really hope that I don't enter any other Displaced's Universe on accident, given that me directly forcing my way in usually results in the 'Invader' phenomenon.
It isn't very fun.
Well, given that I don't really need supplies, I suppose I'll just leave a note in Twilight's house so she doesn't think I ran off like a bitch.
Alright, time to go! All preparations finalized, standby for launch.
Launching in T-minus 5...4...3...2...1...GO!
Leaping into the air, I twisted and coiled around myself as I shifted back into my serpent form, long paradoxical arcs of Void energy crackling around me and turning my shadow tunnel into a Void Gate. The world twisted and blurred, fading out and with a jarring sound that can only be described as VWORPLE -trust me, the italics and all-caps are necessary-I popped out of established, finite reality and blurred the lines into weird, infinite void.
As I looked around, I whistled appreciatively at my surroundings and began my trek into the depths of the multiverse, well, not before I put a marker on "my" Universe first. T'would not do to lose track of the Universe I kept all my bits in, even if I could still get them...it's a matter of preference, okay?
That aside, I immediately began my search for interesting things to do, sightseeing and such, y'know? After looking around some more, I noticed it . Not like IT , or any other such derivation, oh no, this was merely a small, but interesting, thing I had noticed about some of the Universes in the "Equestria Cluster"; that being a strange, almost tunnel-like connection between some Equestrias and what appeared to be...EARTH!?(And quite a few other worlds as well)
"Holy shit! I think I could find my way home with those! But the question is, should I? Okay, debate mode, activate; Topic: finding Home, Y/N?
I think we should go for it, our friends are still there and probably miss us
I don't think we really need to, but all our stuff is there, maybe we could get some new stuff
Alright then, let's go home!"
My voice echoed through my immediate surroundings as I rocketed back to my starting point to find my space-time tunnel.
"Oh look, there it is...much easier than I thought it'd be. I guess now I could...ride it back? Maybe? No sense in wasting anymore time, then. Let's GO!"
Diving into the tunnel, I was immediately swept up in the unexpected current within said plot-device and carried through the Void and SLAM right into a Universe that strangely felt like...myself? But also weaker, less shadowy, more...real...I guess.
'Oh hey look, I can see my old dorm room from here!'
Now is not the time nor place for such inane thoughts, what time, day, month, and year are we in? We, rather, I and you-also-me, need to know, so we can get all our crap before someone decides to sell it.
With that thought in mind, I broke into my own dorm room-'I hate the fact that I really need to do this, the hell happened to my stuff when I transformed anyways? -and looted my dorm for all the stuff that I thought I'd like to keep. Though, I did have the presence of mind to check the date first.
It was the exact date that I had left, three minutes after noon, to be exact. I suppose that by now, Seth will have told them that I just disappeared into thin air. Oh well. It's not like I could just show up in front of them, I never really trusted them enough for that. Well, they'd also freak out, but that's not important. Okay, let's see...textbooks, check; various self-defense/anti-zombie weaponry,check; various bits of technology, check; all my drawing supplies, check; alright, that's everything, let's get out of here.
VWORPLE
Alrighty then, let's see what else I can find in the "Earth Cluster"... "Wait...is that the Justice League Watchtower?...Yeah, no way in hell."
This Watchtower, not the other ones
VWORPLE
"Ponies living among humans...nice...unexpected, but nice. But the relative technology level is still at approximately early 2000's level. Granted, so was my home-verse, but then again, it was only 2020...Next"
VWORPLE
"Oh shit, the conversion bureau!"
"Halt, who goes there!?"
"Shit!"
"By the order of Princess Celestia, I order you to stop!"
"Nopenopenopenopenope! Move, bitch, get out the way!"
I'm running like a bitch here, and Mr. Useless-Ass-Solar-Guard apparently found some level of competency and is trying to gun me down with an assault rifle...and deadly laser beams from his horn.
Wait...why am I still running? Oh yeah, despite my comments, it's really impossible to harm me directly...with the exception of things that destroy darkness in any form, purify anything they touch, are made of what basically amounts to pure light, etc etc. So really, I'm only running because I feel like it. Man, this guard has stamina. It's been about thirty blocks and he's still chasing me, even at my current pace of about 20 mph.
Okay, bored now.
VWORPLE
Outside the Conversion Bureau universe, I noticed that the Equestria-verse the Earth-verse was connected to was (relatively) so close that the barest edges of the two were mingling.
Kinda like this...except with more bubble-ish shapes
"Hmm, that's interesting. I wonder what happens when they collide? Then again, the connection itself seems to be keeping them apart...I wonder what'd happen if I just...sorta...-"
Shifting my perception of the universes into beach-ball sized bubbles instead of the house sized bubbles they were before, I pushed the two bubbles together-one chrome silver with red veins (Earth), the other sparkling and prismatic with black clouds (Equestria)-and immediately recoiled back from the massive shockwave produced by two paradox-linked Universes collapsing into each other.
"OH, SHIT ! I did NOT mean to do that! Oh fuck, now what do I do? Shit shit shit. Okay, I don't think anyone will miss that Universe anyways..."
Okay, how about this Universe?
VWORPLE
Oh look, it's Peter Pony Parker, also known as Spider-Mane. Well, looks like he's got everything under control.
VWORPLE
Is that...no, it couldn't be...holy shit, I managed to find my way into The Doctor's Universe!
"Holy shit, I need to take pictures of this...camera...camera... oh hey! my iPhone! T'was wondering where this damn thing went."
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK
"I wonder if I could find a sonic screwdriver for a souvenir? Even a laser screwdriver would work... hmm...this idea needs some thinking...."
PLAN IN PROGRESS; PLEASE STANDBY...
PROCESSING...
Some photos 'I' took:
Tardis in deep space
Shit shit shit shit shit
Perhaps I shouldn't be here
PLAN COMPLETE; OH, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU MISSED ALL THE ACTION WHILE YOU WERE LOOKING AT PHOTOS, SUCH A SHAME
Very funny, you oversized iMac
Seriously? Were all of you staring at my photos the whole time? I got three sonic screwdrivers and a laser screwdriver in the time it took you to scroll down here.
This one
This one
This one
And this piece of shit
Alright, let's GTFO before anyone notices.
VWORPLE
Alright, I think I can call it a day. Let's just go home and– "WHOA, SHIT!" –nevermind.
Oh. It's Fausticorn. And she doesn't look too happy. Oh dear.
"If it t'were not for the fact that thou hast gained dominion over thine own dimensions, I would ask for some form of reparation for the destruction of one of mine creations. However, due to thine dominion over one Equestria and one Earth, thou hast gained the partial dominion of both the "Earth" and "Equestria" Clusters. Then, I ask you but a single question; why in my name wouldst thou Destroy an entire Realm, one with TRILLIONS OF INHABITANTS WITHIN ITS CONFINES, NO LESS!?"
"Whoops?"
"...Children."
And with that, she left, gliding along on a non-existent breeze. I, however, got the distinct impression that she was facing a very bitter and harsh truth, one that was apparently very difficult for her to accept; that being the lesson that kids are idiots, no matter how old their chronological age, if a being is new to its body, it is still a child and will thus do stupid things to test their capabilities. Well, I hope she's not too pissed off at me, I was planning on asking her to be my mentor in all things relating to the whole 'dominion' thing.
It can't be that big of a deal, right? Actually no, it probably is a big deal, and it'll probably punch me in the balls later. I sincerely hope it doesn't.
...Shit I'm screwed.
Tuesday, June 7
Alright, I think I should head back, it has been about four days after all. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I synced myself into the localized time system of Equestria so I could tell how long I had been away, based on their perceptions. Well, aside from that, I also collected a vast amount of materials and souvenirs; maybe I could open a shop or something. But for now, here's a small look at my inventory:
My trans-dimensional Omnitool, capable of browsing the internet via no less than fourteen different subspace connections across the void
One pony sized Iron Mare suit, modified with and internal Arc reactor (Thank you Sparkle Industries for your generous...donation )
One specially modified pony-operated Gunmen
Thirty thousand Basilisk eggs (Never visiting that Universe again)
The entirety of the US military's weaponry, down to the very last bullet
Several snow-globes containing miniaturized planets
Several gemstones containing the reversed souls of various canon villains (Alignment swapped, not gender swapped)
More gems with the gender swapped souls of various canon villains (In a separate bag, thank god)
Those sonic screwdrivers and single laser screwdriver
A different TARDIS model from Gallopfrey (Thanks, Doctor Whooves)
Three whole stacks of Netherrack
The Autobot Matrix of Leadership
A random Logia fruit
Prince of Void regalia
A spool of Life Fibers
And six hundred thousand kilotons of Orichalcum-Mithril-Adamantium alloy (A literal mountain made entirely out of the stuff)
And where exactly am I keeping all this crap? Well...actually, I don't know, I think it's some sort of pocket dimension within my form, but it carries an apparently infinite amount of stuff, so I can't complain.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot:
An entire empty Universe in it's beginning stages (About the size of your average volleyball, really)
Yeah, every scientist on Equus is going to flip out.
As a distant side note, I recently discovered that the planet was called Equus because Fausticorn made the planet itself, and imprinted its name into the minds of every creature that she made. Fausticorn is damn scary when you think about it, but she's pretty nice, at least.
A few hours later
Hey, is it just me, or is my Earth closer than normal? I hope it doesn't crash into Equestria.
...I'm sure it's nothing to worry about...
...Right...
VWORPLE
Hey, wait a minute, I was sure this was Ponyville, but where's the Library? And the hell is up with that...giant...crystal...tree...
Goddamn it, I missed Tirek's return. Damn damn damn. Oh, and I probably lost all my stuff too, but that's sort of irrelevant. Y'know, since I didn't really have anything worth keeping that wasn't already on me. Well, I guess I should go see what's up; I wonder what Twilight's doing right now?
WHOOSH
And here I am in Canterlot, hiding in the lavender Princess's shadow, listening to a damage report. I guess the attack must have happened fairly recently then.
Oh hey look, Princess Celestia's talking.
"...-nd the damages from your battle against Tirek ended up destroying most of the countryside outside of Ponyville, and of course, your library."
"Do not despair, Twilight Sparkle, at least you have a new castle to live in."
"Pr- Luna, that doesn't help much, all of my books are gone too."
Should I cut in?...Fine, I will.
"I leave for a few days and this is what happens? What, did something crawl out of the Everfree while I was gone?"
Twilight gasped at my sudden entrance, "Umbra! Don't do that!"
"Apologies; but seriously though, what the hell happened here, I've a good idea, but it needs confirmation."
"An old enemy by the name of Tirek returned, but Twilight Sparkle managed to defeat him", Luna cut in, "as you may have heard, the damages to Ponyville are immense and shall require quite some time to repair."
"...Fine, I'll go get started..."
"What are you talking about? We didn't tell you to start anything", Princess Celestia interrupted me before I could leave, "I thought your job was to keep ponies safe from the creatures in the Everfree Forest."
Oh, I guess I don't need to fix this mess by myself.
"Ah, okay then. Well, I almost forgot, I brought back souvenir's from my travels. Let's see...ah- here we go."
Reaching into myself, to the others' slight consternation, I pulled out a truly massive stack of books. How massive, you ask? Well, enough to fill the Golden Oaks Library completely...several thousand times over. When the library was still standing, of course.
"Twilight, for you, a collection of approximately three hundred thousand books of varying genres and topics, ranging from scientific studies on aardvarks to fantasy stories set in a universe populated entirely with zebras; and everything in between, of course. Oh, and here, a gemstone containing the accumulated knowledge of thirty different versions of you, give or take."
Whoops, I think I broke her. Hey, what's that in her eyes...a turning hourglass symbol. Cute. Well, keep going, don't stop at Twilight.
"Princess Celestia, I bestow upon thee: one very sharp magical blade with properties including, but not limited to: light production, innate flame abilities, purification of all things, magical boosting, and last, but not least, looking really goddamn magnificent when you use it. Oh, and fifty some crates of tea blends found only in different Universes, Time Periods, and Planets. And some golden battle armor. And these spell books."
Shit, I broke her too; shit shit shit. placing the gifts down by her hooves and turning to Luna. Princess Luna, on the other hand, looked like she'd rather be somewhere else.
"Princess Luna, I give you this: a blade forged in moonlight, made from the core material of a dying star, encrusted with comets, blessed by various deities related to the stars and night. Thin, fast, and deadly, it is the antithesis of your sister's blade, ice to the flame. Hers was blessed in sunfire, yours in moonlit plains. It also possesses many of the attributes of its twin, although it makes ice, not fire. Still looks goddamn magnificent, though. Also: more spell books, and a really awesome pair of sunglasses. Have some Orichalcum and Mithril alloy battle armor too."
Bam, three for three. Oh wait, that's a bad thing. I'm just going to go now.
WHOOSH
And here I am in the shadows of the burnt out library. Wow, it's even worse up close. I mean, seeing it from the skies was bad enough, but right here, at the front door? Just awful. Hmm, I wonder what'd happen if I just kinda...
Oh.
So that's what happens when you artificially expand a shadow. Apparently whatever is attached to the shadow grows to match. I suppose it only makes sense, considering what happens when I steal a shadow. If you didn't remember, it involves whatever I steal the shadow from dissolving into mana particles and dispersing out into the Universe. Well, at least the tree's back to pretty much normal shape and size, but... It's now just a normal tree, without anything special that mad it the Library. Hm? Oh, the citizens are staring at the new, familiar landmark. I hope they don't...shit, they noticed me.
"Uh...hi! I'm just gonna leave now..." I waved and turned, finding myself back in Canterlot where all three present Princesses were finally shaking themselves from their daze.
"Well. That was interesting. Oh, hello Princesses, I see you're awake. How were your naps?", They blinked and shook their heads nearly simultaneously, god that's friggin cute, and Twilight spoke up, "Where exactly did you get all these books? Some of them I've never even seen or heard of, and some don't even look like they were written by pony hooves."
"Well, Twilight, I got them from other Universes, if you must know. I could get more, there's a Universe out there made out of an infinite expanse of every book written in every other Universe, ever."
Twilight gasped and her pupils dilated, "That's a lot of books."
"Quite"
Next Luna, "We have to admit, when Twilight came to us four days ago to inform us about your departure, we did not expect you to bring back gifts of such...splendor. 'Tis truly amazing, how much you can carry."
"I've got a lot more if anyone wants any, although a lot of it I was planning on donating so that they could improve the state of the Nation; as it is, this is one of the less technologically and scientifically advanced Equestrias that I've seen. Thankfully, not many of them have perfected space-time magic yet, so we're still mostly safe from extra-dimensional invasion. Anyways, Twilight!"
"Yes, Umbra?"
"I put your tree back, although currently it's still a tree, not a library. But, with a copy of the blueprints from city-hall, I should be able to put things back mostly the way they were before...or I could steal an exact replica from a different universe to save on bits and effort, your choice."
Ah shit, I broke her again. Huh, now it says Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing error. Please stand by...
I guess now we just wait...
poke
"Twilight? You okay in there? Yo, wake up! Shit, not working. Uh...crap, this'll be awkward."
"What are you planning on doing to my former student?"
"Just...well..."
SMACK
"Hey! What was that for!?"
"You were spacing out a little"
"Oh...So what's this about a tree? I think you said it was my tree, or something."
"The library has had its upper portion nearly restored, all it'll take is a bit of work and the rest of it will be up and running again. Or, I could pop down to a different Universe and ste–GAH!"
Twilight just tackled me and is apparently trying to hug me to death. Wow, didn't think she'd be so attached to one tree.
"Oh thank you! Thank you! Pr-Celestia, did you hear that? I can get the library back!"
"That's wonderful Twilight!"
"You know what, I'm going to go leave some more souvenirs outside, come out to the main courtyard when your emotions have stabilized."
WHOOSH
"Alright, let's see... boulder made of Orichalcum... Iron Mare suit...Gundam...AK-47...wait, not that one...iPhone 8... wait, no, that's mine...iPhone 4...Macbook pro...Lenovo Ideapad Yoga...James Bond Watch...Koenigsegg CCX...Chevy Camaro...Ford Mustang... F-22 Raptor... Lagann?...not Lagann... B-2 Spirit...A10 Warthog...Chainsaw...not the TARDIS...72" Flatscreen television... Batarang?...Kryptonite...Great Leonopteryx skull..."
Am I unloading too much?...nah can't be.
"...Spartan Armor...humanity crystals...Noble Phantasm...Sonic Screwdriver...Laser Screwdriver...Eldritch Abomination 'blood', willingly given...Changeling corpse, perfectly preserved...Elements of Harmony-wait,what!?...nevermind...Sorting Hat–"Hey!"–...Godzilla blood...Fluffle Puff? Go home!...right...Megatron's dead body...Reaper corpse, shrunk..."
Is the courtyard getting smaller?
"...three gallons of liquid magic...room temperature super conductors...Kitsune fur...health potions...M-1 Abrams tank... the Vimana... Ea, Sword of Rupture...Excalibur!?...Mirror of Erised...Philosopher's stone...Elder wand?...nah...Tensa Zangetsu... Durandal... Gae Bolg... Gar Dearg... Gae Assail... Massive Axe Sword... Caladbolg?... Anaklusmos... Golden Fleece...Omnitrix Core?...no way in hell...Chakra steel...Sword of the Storms...Orb of Tornami...Sapphire Dragon...nope..."
The sounds most prevalent in the courtyard:
CLING CLANG CRUNCH THUD CLACK THUMP
"...Eye of Ender...Core Drill...DTR...Bakuzan...Rending Scissors...Pokedex...Pokeball...Helix Fossil...Dome Fossil...Cerebro Helmet...Sylladex Modus Cards...Pop-a-matic Vrillyhoo Hammer...Kanohi Hau...Kanuhi Kakama...Kanohi Vahi...Kanohi Olmak... Rail Gun...Let's just stop with the Hurricane Megazord...shrunken down to about ten feet tall."
Oh wow, that is a lot of stuff around me, most of which is either magical or some form of weapons tech. Let's put some of this stuff back...oh look, there's Luna, Celestia and Twilight; they look broken again.
Okay, now it's mostly safe stuff with a smattering of lower end weapons tech; namely, communications technology, entertainment technology, and transportation technology, along with a few things to advance the military. Oh, and a few contact-gems containing the knowledge on how everything works down to the subatomic level.
Four months later
October 3rd
Well, on the plus side, Equestria now has enough magical and non-magical military might to rival that of the US military...from 2020. Well, to be honest, I actually only expected maybe enough advancement to take on early 1900's America, so that's a lot of improvement in a really short time. I guess those gemstones did some really good work, even if most of the information was centered around more harmless stuff.
On the other hoof hand...actually, most of the factories and stuff that would have caused serious damage to the environment were shunted into a pocket dimension once the tech was all studied. So really, there aren't many problems at hand. Most ponies now have access to things like the Internet, although it's still not all that useful (sorta like ours in that it's mostly a time sink with some relevant info, though less than ours), TV, modern game console derivatives, PC gaming, frickin' laser beams I-shit-you-not, and spaceflight. One thing that really interested me is that, astronomically, Copernicus would have hated it here. Equestria is about six times the size of the giant magic fireball that makes its sun. Yes, magic.
So weird.
Oh, and apparently the sky is literally colored blue, and some weird magic-y/science stuff I barely comprehend makes the light reflected from the surface of the moon deactivate whatever crap is in the upper atmosphere and show the stars, which explains how raising the moon brings night, instead of just putting the moon in the sky.
On another note, Celestia and Luna move the sun and moon because they're in geosynchronous orbit, so if they just floated there, well, bad things happen.
...I'm getting off topic.
Well, the thing is, I think I need to leave for a while, hone my abilities and all that. Well, that and if technology keeps advancing so quickly, I won't really be necessary anymore.
I leave tomorrow, after I put a note somewhere.
End Chapter 5
End Arc 2
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 2: Exit Through The Gift Shop
Chapter 7 Alt Title: Adventures of a Svadilfari
Unlike the vast majority of Displaced Humans, I myself am apparently the only one capable of manipulating an entire Universe...save for Auric Fulcrum, whom I witnessed disappear from the Multiverse itself and Ascend to False Godhood.
Okay, back up; FALSE Godhood? Umbra, didn't Auric create a bunch of these worlds and stuff when he left the Multiverse? Doesn't that mean he's a god?
Well, yes and no. You see–and by you, I mean the reader–, the thing about a god is that they aren't bound to a three dimensional existence, like most Displaced are. Auric, while negating his 3D existence by warping into a place that acts as one wills it to, would still find himself a 3D being back on Equestria...or any Universe with sentient life, that is. Now, to be a god, one must transcend 3D, being that they negate their need for regular spacetime. They would also need to transcend 4D, as in be a, not Time Traveler, but Time Manipulator. They need to know how to use time itself as their playground, maybe not outright change it, but certainly jump to multiple timestreams. They must be able to transcend into or above 5D, where upon they can... freely... manipulate... the..... multiver–ohshit.
OH SHIT.
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOoooooooooooooo
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?
HOW IN THE NINE HELLS, FROZEN PEAKS OF TARTARUS, SEVEN HEAVENS, ASS CRACK OF DAWN, DID I MANAGE TO ASCEND INTO TRUE GODHOOD!?!?!?!?!?!?
Crap. This means I'm a bigger target than I thought I was. I was fine when I stuck to Equestria as a 3.5D being, but once I hit paradox space I must have ascended. I wonder how I never realized those extra D's?
I know what you're thinking right now. Stop. Seriously. No sex jokes.
...
...
.....................
Hey Author, exposition sucks! Can we get to the next scene!? I wanna meet the Loopers!
JESUS CHRIST UMBRA, SUCH IMPATIENCE FROM MY OWN CREATION. CUTE. BUT FINE, WE'RE MOVING ON, AS REQUESTED
I could pop over to your Universe and write my own story, y'know
SHUT UP
Those extra line breaks are entirely unnecessary you know.
July 17th
I've been training for almost a year now, really about ten months, if'n my maths is correct. Don't correct that 'is', it's there for a reason. I've learned to copy anything that casts a shadow, though anything like Excalibur, that being anything that produces something that can hurt/kill me, usually disintegrates right after a single use and leaves me magically dryer than a prune in the Sahara Desert. It sucks because I'm literally made of paradox shadows held together by magic; too little magic and I start to fade into the background. At least I can regain my normal form after a few months.
Speaking of training, well, not to brag, but I can code an entire Universe and have it running in approximately 3 earth seconds. Not reprogram a dead Universe, not grow a New Universe, but code a Universe into existence out of the very fabric of paradox spacetime itself. What do you mean how do I do it? Oh, you want to know the steps, I get it.
1. Find an empty spot between Universes
Create a small 'bulge' in the paradox spacetime fabric
Form the bulge into a bubble
Access the data logs for that specific chunk of Paradox
Invert all the coding so that it becomes Stable instead of Flux
Code New Universe
Congratulations on creating a New Universe!
Simple, right? Well...yeah. Oh, another thing I learned: a sufficiently advanced Shadow Manipulator, i.e. Makuta Teridax or an insane Sakura Matou, would be capable of using me as they would any other shadow, though I can now jump my consciousness from one shadow to another, rendering it a moot point.
Well... I guess I am bragging. Whoops.
Wanna hear some stories about my travels?
June 3rd
Okay, so, about a month ago I was drifting in the Equestria cluster some thousand Universes away from home, same as usual, when I found a Universe whose localized gravity protocols were completely fucked up. Curiously, I decided to scan the bubble and found that it was the Universe of a Displaced. Specifically, a Displaced by the name of Kat Shifter.
At that point I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Slipping into the Universe by coding in a 'back door access', I quickly found myself hurtling through the skies over Mount Canterlot...or whatever it's called. Hey, I never bothered to learn, okay? Anyways, I noticed that Discord had been freed, so about a year or so behind when I arrived...so two years behind my Equestria. Ahem. Moving on, after quietly observing for a few hours, Discord was sealed again, and another statue burst apart; Kat Shifter's Statue. I noticed her screaming, and after another few hours of Observation, she left to Ponyville, me following the whole way. Oh, and she took out some guards too, although much less efficiently as I would have. I knew from that moment that, while partially dangerous, Kat Shifter was, admittedly, not really much of a threat to any of my machinations; those being, in order: Tour the multiverse, gain souvenirs, and stay alive. I hate scheming, it's so boring.
The only thing that she had that'd do anything to me would be her black hole attack, and that would do nothing useful...maybe make me stronger, but nothing dangerous. You can't crush a shadow with gravity, after all.
Well, I'd watched her for a few days, then after hearing her desire to kill the princesses, I knew that a) she was not exactly as sane as I thought previously, and b) she had to be stopped. Why, you ask? Why would I stop someone who only wants to avenge her only friend? Look at what happened to Sasuke Uchiha. You understand now? Well also because of the fact that the Sun and Moon were still in a geosynchronous orbit, and killing the Princesses would either cause the Sun and Moon to crash into the Planet and kill everyone, or cause them to freeze in place and kill everyone on the planet. Yeah, bad.
Of course, relatively early in the "Extra-Fourth Wall Timeline"(Early in the story chapters), I didn't know what she'd do next, but I decided to fracture the timeline again anyways. The last time I did so was back when I visited God Slaying Blade Works back in chapter 6, so it's safe, it just sounds worse than it is.
Wait...a coin? Oh crap, it's Auric!
SKEDADDLE
When Auric showed up, I skedaddled–that was seriously the sound effect I shit you not–to the old castle in the Everfree to avoid being sensed. I didn't know what Auric would do, probably something benign, but I didn't stick around to find out. Policy of subtlety and all. And then I found a hologram of a cat.
"So, you must be Dusty...odd look for a cat"
"....."
"I know you're saying something, but I can't hear you too well. You calling Kat?"
A nod.
"Guess I should just wait and see now....oh shit she's almost here"
"..."
"I think I'm starting to hear you better...you're just calling out to Kat, aren't you?"
“Ka~~t!”
"Oh, there's your voice....are those footsteps?"
And suddenly the timeline fractured into an AU.
“Over here, mistress. It is go-good to see you ag-again.”
And Kat ran into the throne room.
"DUSTY!!"
I'm not intruding on this scene...not yet.
"Th-there's someone e-else here too"
"Shit, man, did you have to tell her!?"
CRACK CRACK CRACK
That's the sound of a fracturing timeline.
"Who the hell are you?"
She sounds angry, better stop spacing out.
"Umbra Shadow-Walker, at your service madame. Shadow manipulator extraordinaire and an accidental low level true god. Creator of thirty different Universes, destroyer of three, collector of strange and fascinating souvenirs. Partially insane and also kind of a pussy. Not affected at all by gravity. Literally made of shadows. Tourist of the infinite Multiverse. Displaced human with very strange luck. I could go on."
She looks suspicious... I wonder what she's thinking right now... "Bullshit. There's no way you're a god."
"Well... you have to understand that being a god really only means that you can dimension hop without a token and you can fuck around with timelines. Pretty easy once you figure out how to leave your own Universe. Problem is, you don't have the correct power set."
"What do you mean?"
"Gravity doesn't work in the void. Shadows and chaos magic do. So no goddess-hood for you until you learn some magic."
I honestly can't tell what she's thinking right now... telepaths must never be confused in a conversation.
"Oh look behind you, some Nevi are appearing."
THAT got a reaction. "What!?"
SLICE WHOOSH THUD CRUNCH SMACK SQUELCH QUACK
"Quack? Never heard that one before... oh look, a duck! That explains it."
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" Hm, looks like a mix of outrage and confusion... smug bastard response it is; just for the hell of it.
"Like I said, shadow manipulator extraordinaire. Badass comes with the territory. What, like you couldn't take them down just as fast."
"..."
"What?"
"..."
"Alright, alright, I'm leaving. I can see you need some time to stew."
WHOOSH
After that, I teleported to Canterlot, just to touch base with the Princesses of the realm. It was about as boring as it gets, after all the initial panicking went through.
Long story short, I ended up helping Kat with the Nevi, and forced her to work through her issues with the Princesses, who, I'm surprised to say, just stood there and let her beat the crap out of them for a while. And then...well...I just disappeared while the three worked out their...differences .
End Chapter 7
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 3: Collisions From Across the Void Part 1
Chapter 8 Alt Title: The Beginning of the Middle of the End...Sorta
Well, you've already heard what I did in Kat Shifter's Universe, so I don't need to explain further. Of course, I've got a lot of other stories to tell you, but I don't really feel like telling them right now.
You may be wondering what exactly the chapter title means, unless you read the author's note in the last chapter. Then you already know exactly what's going to happen. Well, shall we move the plot along, dear readers?
November 8th, Relative to Home
Lately I've begun to notice something forming small 'tunnels' across the Multiverse, connecting the various Equestrias. When I investigated, I realized that I had found Auric Fulcrum's Universe, locally Administrated by a curious being only known as Thadius0. Of course, I've never really met said Admin, but the guy's a mysterious one...don't even know what the guy looks like. Auric at this point is still a pony, but he's already got his mirror up and running.
You may be wondering just how it's possible that he's still here when I explicitly mentioned that Auric had already shifted out of the multiverse. The answer to that Question is simple: Large actions by any being of significant power will ripple across the Multiverse and appear as though they had been there since the very beginning. So, in a sense, Auric was already predestined to Ascend because he had already done so at the beginning of the Multiverse...and at the end...and he just did right now...and will later. It's complicated, okay?
Moving on, I also noticed that at one point the tunnels that had up until now been only used to view outwards had also been used to view inwards. In other words, Auric found someone staring back at him. I won't pretend that I knew what Auric was thinking, but when I hacked my way into the signal I found myself nearly fearing for my life. Why? Only because THE Makuta Teridax was staring back, even if not directly at me. Given Makuta's shadow powers, I really did have a reason afraid. I learned that shadow manipulators could actually hurt me the hard way when I went to a baseline Bionicle Universe and tangled with some Makuta.
Not fun. At all.
Hoh? What's this?
"To those of sound mind, sound heart. To they that would stand against evil, in the face of Armageddon. To the warriors and heroes, both celebrated and unsung. To my fellow Displaced, I call on you. I am Auric Fulcrum, Knight of the Eclipse, wielder of Alchemy's might. All I hold dear is being threatened by another Displaced. I know not why he seeks to fight me, but as I am, I cannot fight him and win. I require allies while I repair my self. I call on you to aid me, and promise you this: should the side of Light prevail, then I will grant they that aid me whatever boons I can as rewards, within reason. I hope that is not the only reason you choose to fight for me, but in my experience, you motivate more people with a pile of treasure and a kind plea than a kind plea alone."
A message to the good and just, from Auric? Must be him preparing to fight Teridax. Should I join him or should I join Teridax? Pfft, just kidding; why would I ever join Teridax? Cultured though he may be, I hate an obsessive psychopath no matter who he/she is. Even if they are a 10+ foot tall robotic behemoth with some 42 powers. At least most of them won't effect me...I hope. Who know what may happen with a being of Teridax's power level?
Well, I'm not too far from Auric's Universe; should I? Yes. Definitely. Let's do this. Heading there now. I...haven't moved a single inch.
What?
I'm narrating what I'm doing, right? Something isn't right here...
Fourth Wall Story Protocols:
Protocol #4 paragraph 6 subsection c line 2: All actions are more reliably narrated in past tense. Use past tense to indicate that you moved. I'm talking to you, Umbra.
Oh. That explains it.
Now Using Past Tense
After hearing Auric's message to the Multiverse at large, I decided to make my way over, but first started preparing for the worst. Namely, I put everything that I thought was too dangerous into my Training Ground Universe™, and put the rest in a secret subspace chest hidden in my Home Equestria, only discoverable in the event of my death.
'Gods I hope I don't die, that'd suck like nothing else...especially considering my standing as a minor god of darkness...'
Well, with nothing left to do, I decided to make my way back to my Home for real; after all, a lot can happen in a year.
VWORPLE
Third Person Omnicient POV
In the capital of the First Equestrian Space Empire, Princesses Twilight Sparkle, Luna, and Celestia simultaneously looked up from their paperwork as they heard a sound that they had not heard in over a year.
VWORPLE
Stupefied, Luna was the first to break the silence, "Do...do We dare think it is who We think it is? Has Umbra truly returned from his sojourn?"
A pause, and Celestia offers her opinion,"I believe so, sister. Shall we meet him?"
Nearly as one, all three alicorns rose and trotted out of their shared office and into the lobby outside. Waiting for them was a familiar sight, Umbra lounging on a couch messing with some sort of advanced technology that their scientists still haven't been able to reverse engineer.
Celestia took the lead this time placing herself before Umbra's still oblivious form before smiling warmly and delivering her greeting–
–"I see you've returned quite a bit earlier than your note suggested, Umbra. How was your journey?"
I looked up sharply from my stupid omnitool–stupid thing dropped my Wifi connection again–and regarded Princess Celestia with what I can only call professional happiness. Smiling, just a little, I gave my reply,
"Glad to be back, I love what you've done with the place, Princess; though to be honest, how did you manage a space empire so quickly?"
"You left a lot of space ships behind, many of them with compatible technology and all of them with detailed info-crystals on their operation and creation. We had a lot of instant experts from those crystals; thank you, by the way. Without all of your gifts, we never would have been able to create such a large empire with so many allies."
"But still, it's only been a year! This technological growth rate is so huge it's absurd! I really didn't exp– something's wrong...I have to go. Assuming I survive the next few weeks, I will come back. After all, this is my home."
VWORPLE
As I teleported out of the Universe I called my home, I heard IT
"Friends, villains, countrymen. Lend me your ears. I, Makuta Teridax, have a dream. A dream that, no matter what interference, will become reality. I call to you, those who want to dominate, to rule the world with an iron fist, I call you. I am Makuta Teridax, the Void, the Shadow of Evil, the Corruptor, he who is Anger and Hatred. And if you want to win... to dominate everything...then stand by my side, and I guarantee you... I cannot say, for I believe that my enemies may be eavesdropping on this, just as I did his... but regardless, come talk to me and I shall let you know. But the information I shall give you will NOT be spoken of. Or, if you want more... immediate rewards, I can grant those too. After all, power always comes with a price."
Oh gods, if ever there were a way to make me hate someone more than I already did, this was it.
Well. I decided right there that prep time was over. It was time to go, whether I felt myself ready or not. Plus, a few of my subspace hidden weapons are stowed as last resorts, though I wasn't sure how much good they'd do:
Remember the Sapphire Dragon I Pulled Out a Few Chapters Ago? That's a Last Resort
Thirty or So Dementors in a Bag
...Those are basically the only two that I can really call a last resort, the rest are either Planet destroyers or just completely useless for this sort of thing. Or both.
Goddamn Yggdrasil–Looper Cluster, cheated me out of my money. Never buy an Intelligent Device off of a Looper, it's not worth it.
Four hours later, and I was hovering outside of Auric's Universe, steeling myself for the sure to be epic confrontation that would follow.
'No time like the present...I just hope I don't die...'
VWORPLE
End Chapter 8
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 4: Seeing a Pony About a Place About a Thing About a Time
Chapter 9 Alt Title: Meetings Between a False God and a Real God
As I descended into Auric's Universe, I found myself in a small Redirect Tunnel, hovering in front of a curious bit of coding I usually call a Permission Gate; meaning that most people needed permission to enter. After sending my signal through, I waited but a moment and a message popped up:
Permission to Enter: Confirmed
Have a Nice Stay
"Well, that's convenient"
Of course, I could have just slipped in without notice, but then, how was I supposed to let Auric know I was on his side that way? Pushing the thoughts out of my mind, I dove down through the Redirect Tunnel and out into Equestria's atmosphere with a, much more violent than usual,
VWORPLE
"Well, that was louder than I thought it'd be...I guess it's because I bypassed the Invader Subroutines on the Universal Protocol Grid maybe it's because of a denser mana concentration? I forgot to check the concentration levels again, didn't I? Well, no use in bothering with that line of thought, I need to find...Auric's...House..."
As I continued my flight over Equestria, I noticed that, once again, I had appeared directly over Canterlot.
'Jeez, what is it with Equestria and making me enter right over Canterlot anyways?'
Shelving the thought, I made my way in the general direction of the Everfree, knowing I'd find Auric's tower before long. After a few minutes worth of flight, I finally made my way over to Auric’s tower. Touching down, I went over to knock on the doors, only to notice a peculiar item on the ground.
“Oh my fucking god what the hell. Who the hell puts a nude painting outside someone’s house I swear to god.”
It...was a nude painting of Auric in his human form, rising from two halves of a planet a la Venus. It was also surprisingly well done and also spectacularly creepy. I looked around, but nobody was in sight. Given that it was around midnight, ‘twas understandable. I decided right then and there that a) Teridax must have done this to fuck with Auric–after all, I don’t think Auric would want a nude painting of himself–, and b) I should actually probably ask before destroying it...just in case it was a gift/commission of some sort.
“Okay, creepy painting aside… maybe I should actually meet this guy before I do anything else…”
Picking up the painting–and trying not to shiver in revulsion–I walked up to the front door and raised my fist to knock…
Only to be interrupted by a decidedly feminine voice. “Who goes there?! Why do you seek this tower?”
“My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, interdimensional traveler extraordinaire! I came because I heard Auric’s message to the Multiverse!...Also, someone left a weird painting by the door,” I replied.
“Oh Sol damn that robot,” the voice replied. “Two seconds while I confer with Auric. He’s been rather shaken up lately. If he vouches for you, well and good. If not...you’d best have some legs.”
I blinked. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I waited for a while, mumbling plans to myself about various Universes that I wanted to add to the Multiverse and generally just being bored. And then the most wonderful thing happened:
The gate opened, and a white unicorn mare was standing on the other side. “He’s vouched for you, something about his mirror. Enter Umbra, but know you this, I’m watching you.”
Blinking once again, I shook my head to clear the boredom and walked through the gate, painting grasped delicately between two fingers. Every now and again, I’d shiver in disgust. The painting was just that disturbing.
‘Oh Ye gods I’m not sure how long I can stand holding this damn piece of shit. I wouldn’t mind so much if someone else had painted it, but Teridax!? Ugh...’
The mare apparently noticed my discomfort and stopped us on the ground floor. “You can just burn that. Auric wouldn’t take it well at this point.”
“Oh thank Fausticorn!” And with that little exclamation, I tossed the accursed piece of canvas into a slightly more shadowy corner where it was immediately shredded and consumed by the shadows under my command. The unicorn mare walked up to the one door without a symbol, knocked in some kind of pattern, and-
Was that a light growing under me? What th-
VWORPLE
And with that, I found myself in an entirely black, square room, with an orange unicorn pony in one corner, looking into a huge mirror. The one noticeable thing I picked out about him right away was that his cutie mark was that of an eclipse, and then it connected.
“Auric Fulcrum, I presume? I heard your message while riding the Void currents. Teridax sounds–and looks–like an asshole and I’d like to help in any way I can. Apologies, I haven’t introduced myself properly have I? I’m Umbra Shadow-Walker, nice to meet you.” There, suitably formal, yet still Umbra-casual.
The pony turned to me and started for a moment. “Didn’t expect you to literally be made of shadows...Then again, the Multiverse is vast, I’m sure there’s a version of everyone as everything out there somewhere.”
He drew himself up and then I noticed his hooves. Why? Because crystal-blue hooves on an orange pony tend not to happen. Especially magically-powerful ones.
“Y’know, when I first scanned your Universe, I did notice you had a crystal-blue sword; any relation to the color of your hooves?...Wait a minute. I think we came from the same Universe...or the Merchant visited you after he visited me. I distinctly recall your sword hanging on the wall of the Merchant’s stand at Comic-con. Say what you will, but I’m honestly thankful for that asshole giving me my mask...even if it did cost about a hundred dollars...asshole.”
He smiled a sad smile as I mentioned his hooves. “It’s a long story involving a Halloween party, a Dullahan costume, and a foolish wish, along with a Golden Sun and me breaking my Immortality. Apparently, if you can’t fend off Equus’ natural Harmony field, it makes you more Harmonious, so this is what I get. I’ll get better. Eventually.”
“Man, sucks for you. Sucks worse for me, since if I lose all my magic, I dissipate and won’t reform until I can get at least ten percent of my magic back. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened yet.” And I sincerely hope it never does happen to me.
He shrugged. “Could be worse. It could always be worse. Anyways, I saw you wanted in, mind telling me any ideas you had to help? Frankly, I’m just now finding out how...powerful this guy is.”
“Well, to be honest, if, and I do mean IF, I shelved my morals I could just...erase his Universe with him in it. I’ve coded Universes into being before and I can damn well code them out of existence. But, I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to do that. Aside from my OP coding abilities, have you ever heard of a series called Fate Stay/Night?” I hope he has, it’d make the explanation go a lot smoother.
Sadly, the pony shook his head. “Sorry, not much for manga or anime when I was on Earth. And yeah, I really wouldn’t want you to for various reasons. Mostly because that’s not how I would do things. Ever. But also because you’d attract the attention of Equestria’s Guardian. True, you could probably justify it, but She’d still not likely take it well that you’d wiped an Equestria out of existence, even if it was to kill Teridax.”
“Equestria’s Guardian? Oh yeah, Fausticorn! We’re pretty cool, she’s my...advice pony/mentor. And yeah, she’d kill me if I destroyed another Universe. Anyways-”
“Wait. Another. You mean you’ve done it before. And you’re still breathing. How?! ”
“Long story short: Conversion Bureau and frank inexperience. She sees me as a child, and we all know how destructive children can be. Anyways , in Fate Stay/Night, two of the characters can produce nigh endless amounts of magical swords. Gilgamesh, not the one you’ve met, though, has a literal endless armory full of ‘his’ treasures and Archer can copy any weapon he sees instantly. I can reproduce just about anything with a shadow–in varying degrees of difficulty–and so I can make anything they can. Gilgamesh has a sword called Ea, Sword of Rupture. On a scale of one to ten, Ea’s attack, Enuma Elish, is about maybe a thirty. I can replicate it at about a level of twenty, though I’m useless for the next three hours. Think that’ll do anything?”
The ponified Alchemist looked to the side and sighed. “I’m not normally helpless, y’know. And while I would appreciate some grand power to instantly win a battle...it’d cheapen it somehow, you get what I’m saying? Like starting a game and instantly becoming max-statted. I mean, I know I face something terrible. But if we were to use your strength to its fullest capacity...then what room would there be for anyone else to try?”
He holds a hoof up to his chin and hums. “Though, I can think of a few things, right now, that I could ask of you to do. Can you replicate any item, or do you have restrictions on that based on what you’ve just said to me?”
“Well, one: I know how you feel, I try not to use any of my OP attacks unless I’m in very real danger. Two: Anything that gives off an intensely magical light is going to shred me to pieces, so I can’t replicate just anything . Three: I’m more of a support type guy anyways. If you guys need help, hey, that’s what I’m here for.”
The pony nods, a plan forming in his eyes. “D’you know of Psynergy Stones? Don’t answer. I need to find enough large ones, the ones that never run dry, for all the towns. After that, I’m free to drain whatever I find, to fuel my own re-ascension to Immortality. What you choose to do with that information is up to you. And then there’s thing two.”
He pauses for a minute before gaining a cheeky smile. “D’you think you could pass a request on to Fausticorn for me?”
I nodded a bit, “Yeah, I can help with both. I got a few artifacts that you could drain, and Fausticorn usually likes to help me, since I’m really the only one she’s spoken to for a while...as far as I know at least.”
“There people go, making assumptions that Time is a thing that matters in the Void Eternal,” he quipped. “Anyways. I have a message, c’mere…”
I shifted over to Auric and leaned in, “What is it?”
The request would have made my face go pale. If I still had a face. Or blood.
“He wants me to what.”
“That’s what he said, ad verbatim, really.”
The Lady Fausticorn looked taken aback for the first time I’d seen her. “Really. Of all the things in the Multiverse he could have asked me for, all he asks is that I officiate his marriage to Measured Thought?”
“Hey, his words, not mine. I was just as surprised as you are. Anyways… You up for it?”
She looked aside as though embarrassed. “But...I haven’t walked a mortal realm since there were mortal realms. And I have nothing to wear!”
“One: You are the creator of the Equestria base template, you can do whatever you want, and they’ll just have to deal with it. Two: You are the Immortal Guardian Deity of the Equestria Cluster. Look. I can get you something to wear, just… Yes or No; it’s a simple question.”
She muttered something that I barely managed to pick up, it sounded vaguely like ‘dratted child using his logic on me’ before speaking up in a louder voice. “Fine. Tell this...Auric Fulcrum I shall be along momentarily. And you’d best serve as a witness, young one.”
“Great, just pop over when you’re ready. I’ll go tell him the good news.”
VWORPLE
The venue was simple: a field under the night sky, which had been cleared to show the stars and moon above. Terribly romantic.
The guest list was even simpler: Me, Auric, Measured, the Lady Faust...and once his Celestia and Luna had noticed, they naturally joined in as well. You can’t be the Lady Faust and not get noticed when you walk into a world. It’d be like being a fat guy and not causing a tidal wave by jumping into a pool.
Oh ye gods, why did I make that analogy.
“So...I guess we don’t exactly need a best man for this, now do we?” Thank you, brain, for that amazingly eloquent thought.
Auric snorted and rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Richard’s in another dimension, Dullahan’s guarding the only weakness in the World-Barrier, and Newvale’s probably asleep.”
Measured Thought pitched in then. “Mom and Dad are also probably asleep. And in Canterlot. And recovering from having so many of their colleagues found out to be a part of Omega’s conspiracy. I think they were getting better when I last checked.”
“Ask a stupid question, I suppose. Anyways, you two lovebirds get on with it, I’m sure Lady Fausticorn’s getting impatient just standing around doing nothing. Hey...are Celestia and Luna bowing? What am I saying, of course they are, not everyday that your goddess shows up to officiate a wedding, after all. Am I right?”
Auric rolled his eyes again, but focused on Measured Thought. “Measured, when I first saw you, there was only one thing running through my mind: Why is that crazy unicorn doing that?” She laughed softly. “But then I freed you from the control of Omega, and as I spent more time around you, I went from wanting to get you help for your attachment complex...to actually caring about you. And then that bastard Omega sent a final command before I Banished him.”
He held one of her hooves in both of his. “I broke my immortality, just for you. I saw...things, from beyond all realities, that told me of possible futures. And now, I wish to make sure that whatever the future holds, whatever this foe does to us, we face it together. It would be an honor if you agreed to marry me.”
Measured Thought smiled and softly complained. “How am I supposed to best that?” Still, she cleared her throat and tried.
“Auric Fulcrum, you’ve saved me time and again. From Omega, from myself, and from certain death. And while I did look up to you, as I spent more time around you, I became more and more irritated that you became unpredictable in nearly every circumstance. Save one. Whenever I’m in danger, you run to my side to save me. And then I noticed...you do it for everyone. Your spirit, your nobility, that’s what drew me in, and while the road ahead may be bumpy...I promise to be there with you for it, no matter what. It would be my honor if you agreed to marry me .”
The two nodded and looked to the Lady Faust, who also nodded. “Do you have the rings?”
Auric did...something then. He raised one hoof up, stamped the ground, and from it came two perfectly matched golden rings with diamonds on them. He nearly collapsed from doing so, but Measured held him up and placed the rings on their horns. “Transmutation...why you so difficult now?” he managed to wheeze out.
Lady Fausticorn watched on for a moment, then continued. “Then by the Authority vested in me as Guardian of this Realm, I, Lady Fausticorn, Pronounce thee, Auric Fulcrum and Measured Thought, husband and wife! As the saying goes, you may now kiss the bride.”
Measured Thought hadn’t quite waited, though. That’s the only explanation I can come up with that would end up with Auric nearly on his back with her tongue down his throat. She eventually came up for air, though, and Auric’s first words were, and I quote,
“Somepony’s enthusiastic. Wonder why.”
I watched on with a vague sense of ‘not belonging’. I never really liked weddings, after all. Still, I pushed it aside to rectify a little bit of wrong.
“Hey Auric, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but when you said something about draining things, what did you mean?”
He looked over to me with a deadpan expression. “Remember the Alicorn Amulet? Well, my hooves act as natural magic syphons. Once my ‘normal’ tank for a unicorn is full, the overflow goes to my nigh-empty one that’s supposed to contain the power the Golden Sun gave me. I ate it’s power, in other words, and got a good ten percent in that loading bar back.”
I smirked...though you wouldn’t be able to tell, no face and all. “I’ve got some stuff in my subspace pocket that might interest you then. At one point I stumbled upon a Universe with an albino changeling named Abel. Well, we struck a deal, and I got a few vats of gelatinous magic out of it. Since I haven’t used any of it, it’s worth maybe, I dunno, some few hundred thousand arbitrary mana units or so. Think you could use it?”
He thought for a moment before shaking his head again. “Nah...but thanks for the lead and reminder to talk to the changelings. If they can do that sorta thing in this dimension, then we might be able to strike a deal of our own.”
He eventually disentangled himself from his new bride and walked towards me. “And seriously, Umbra? Even if you decide to do nothing with my other request? Thank you. I will admit that there was...an ulterior motive to me asking Faust to marry us, but being married to her? Thank you for asking Faust for me. I’d be honored to count you among my friends in the Displaced.”
“‘S all good. But remember, if you need anything, anything at all, and I’m talking everything from kittens to reality bombs here, I can probably provide for you. I guess you could call me a more friendly, less creepy Merchant...without the whole “Send you to another Universe for the hell of it” thing. Just… give me a call, alright?”
He smirked as he looked at me. “Personally, I was going to go with a Matrix reference...Morpheus. But alright. Take care now, y’hear?”
He then turned to Lady Faust and bowed deeply. “And thank you, Milady, for agreeing to this. It truly means the world to me.”
Lady Fausticorn smiled down at Auric. “T’was my pleasure, Auric Fulcrum. And also thank you for the opportunity to visit one of the Realms I so lovingly created.”
I sighed and looked up at the night sky. “Well, I guess that’s my part played, I’ll be back if you need me, maybe I’ll be back even if you don’t need me. It was fun.”
The last thing I saw and heard before I left was Measured Thought grabbing a hold of Auric and not-so-quietly whispering into his ear. “Time to go consummate our marriage, love…”
‘If ever there were a thing I did not need to hear, like, at all, I think that’d be one of them. Still, I hope it goes well for them.’
VWORPLE
End Chapter 9
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 5: Unsinkable Like the Titanic, Bulletproof as Glass, Strong Like Silk
Chapter 10 Alt Title: Trapped in a Bubble for the Second Time in My Life
After leaving Auric's world, I decided to do something very, very silly: I decided to visit Teridax's Universe, just to scope out any potential weaknesses. The first thing that entered my mind when I got in was:
'Huh...this isn't Mount Canterlot'
The second was:
'Oh holy shit, yes. I get to kill Tirek'
And I did. Not even a twenty foot tall, demonic centaur can survive being dissipated into the Void. After doing a little victory dance, I ported over to Canterlot to touch base with the Princesses. There was a lot of screaming involved. A few hours later, I searched the shadows all across this Equestria and promptly found Teridax's now not-so-secret hideout in a mountain.
I waltzed inside, didn't notice anyone, then felt a really sharp blow to my head and was knocked the fuck out. My last thoughts:
'Jesus Christ, how the hell?'
What I think was a few hours later, I found my shadowy ass waking up in a blindingly bright room with no other shadows save me, fully corporeal, with a giant, twenty or so feet tall, Makuta Teridax glaring at me with a...oh shit...Midak Skyblaster.
If you don't know what that is: imagine a rocket launcher themed device that launches balls of compressed light. Those hurt...a lot.
As soon as I began to wake up, I heard a voice that sounded like a rusty chainsaw skull-fucking an angry tractor on meth...what? Nah, it was just deep, menacing, and slightly robotic.
“Wake up, little shadow.”
My oh so eloquent reply:
“Ugggghhhh…. Ah jeez, the hell just happened? Fuck, feels like I got hit with a hammer...”
Give me a break, I was still delirious. Which I hadn't been since...some months ago when I nearly faded from magic overusage. Wow. Was it really that short a time?
Teridax spoke up again, his voice strangely attractive...like you hate hime, but you can't help but notice that his voice'd be really good at seducing people in any other situation...kinda like Batman's voice...but not Batman since he's a giant robot.
“How very accurate, mr. Now then, I’ll be asking you some questions. I expect the truth, and nothing but the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying.”
'Oh...he's going to play interrogator? Fine...I'll play along for now...after all, he's got that terrifying absorption thing he does...don't want to die yet.'
“Makuta Teridax...I did something stupid again didn’t I? Don’t answer that, I already know I wasn’t exactly being subtle about my...escapades...that’s a word, right?”
He started carving into my arm with a goddamn laser pointer then. That shit hurts when I'm corporeal. Then he answered.
“Yes, you uncultured moron. Now, first things first. Your name?”
'Hey, escapades is a word after all, good to know. Oh right, my answer'
“Ah...aaaagghhh...that hurts a bit...ow ow ow. Okay, ngh, first: I do know culture, I just don’t act like it. Ghaaaaa. Second: Thank you; I’m afraid I haven’t read a dictionary in a while, and not talking to many people in the Void has made some words slip my mind. Third: I’ve been to a Bionicle Universe, I recognized that mask, I know it’s pointless to lie. Fourth: My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker. I wish I could say it’s nice to meet you...but it really isn’t. Nice set up by the way, very well thought out.”
Yeah, not my best response, but laser pointers are painful when corporeal. He looked satisfied, so I began to relax... until his next question.
“Thank you. Now, next question: does Auric… love the trollop he’s married?”
'Hoo...what a question... jeez...let's go with impartial, but positive...
“I honestly don’t know, but...judging from what I tried to ignore when I left, I’d say so yes...you’re going to try to kill her, ain’tcha? Huh...standard villain tactic number 338: Go for the loved ones. Ah well, can’t beat the classics, right?”
'God, what the hell am I saying, oh my god, I sound like a pushover...time to spin this in my direction...you with me, author?
YES
Teridax gave no indication that he heard any of that...so I plotted...and I planned...and I made damn well sure my mind was giving off waves of truth.
He almost looked...saddened by what I told him, but continued nonetheless.
“I see. I can guess it was a good wedding. I’m sending them a wedding present soon. I’ll be the better man. Next question: do you have a repository of otherworldly artifacts on you?”
'Oh man, perfect! Time to confuse and abuse, bitch! God, I think I'm still delirious'
I began to put my plan into play, plan 34J, to be exact; Appease and Give and Give and Give from my tertiary store of easily traceable and breakable artifacts.
'Oh man, he has no idea what's in store for him'
“A-ha, picked up on that, didn’t ya? Well, yes I do. Now...for my sales pitch; I’ve been working on it, you see. Ahem. Welcome to Umbra’s Endless Armory, where the artifacts never stop flowing! Need to kill an army? There’s a sword for that! Need an endless source of dark magic? There’s a gem for that! Need to destroy a planet? There’s a mech for that! So buy, buy, buy, because the deals are great and the artifacts endless! StandardfeesandtaxesapplythereisnosuchthingasawarrantyhereallartifactsguaranteedtoworkoryourmoneybackI’mtalkingfastjusttoannoytheshitoutofyoubuymyartifacts. How’s that?”
Tense Shift; Present
I think he's confused, better keep going with the Appease route, keep him off balance.
“Anybody could buy these artifacts…? Please, open your Subspace Pocket. Any hint of you threatening me, and I’ll be forced to kill you.”
Wow, serious much? Good thing I ain't helpless, even like this. Asshole has no idea that I can just separate my mind and shift myself outside the Universe.
“Jeez...you really know how to kill a mood, don’t ya? Right...here we go. One bigger-on-the-inside, shadowy cart full of magical artifacts, big and small...just don’t touch the ones marked ‘dangerous’ in bold letters until I can gift wrap them first. Go on, it’s safe. I’m playing the businessman right now, and I ‘smell’ a lucrative deal...lucrative is the correct word in this context, right? Anyways, I take payment in...anything of equal value really, from monetary to magical to sentimental to emotional. A block of protosteel about three meters cubed would pay for...I dunno… three sonic screwdrivers and a Nynrah Ghostblaster? of course, that is before tax.”
What? I did a lot of honest business over the year that I was away from Home. I probably shouldn't tell Auric that my direct superior in the Interdimensional Shopkeepers' Guild is The Merchant. He'd kill me... or something...
He nodded...which he did a lot, I noticed. Not very vocal, is he? “Do you possess a copy of the Kanohi Vahi in here?”
A copy? Bitch please, in my 'Shop' I keep at least thirty goddamn copies of everything on the floor. More in my quaternary/storeroom. Che. All that stuff is linked to me so I can break it anyways. Thank god for Admin powers.
“Mask of Time, eh? Jeez, you want something that simple? There should be like, thirty or so of them in row forty four...or were the masks in row sixty three? I don’t know, forty four is time manipulation, sixty three is magical masks. Search both, search all the rows, just choose what you want and bring them out here so I can tally the price. I am, after all, stuck in a prison, so I can’t exactly help too well.”
He keeps goddamn nodding .
“Do you supply Blood Quills?”
Just... appease like you're Neville Chamberlain, Umbra....just...don't...say...something...stupid....
“The name of my shop is Umbra’s Endless Armory, of course I do. Row thirty six; magical torture devices...or row fifteen; body disfigurement...and row seventy seven; magical writing implements...and row one hundred and seven; Harry Potter stuff.”
There, something appeasing and somewhat snarky.
Oh god, a Panrahk. What the hell.
“Yes Father?”
And it's goddamn Scottish. That's fucking awesome.
“Keep the laser pointer trained on him. Any funny moves, any closing the Subspace Pocket while I’m in there, and you have full license to torture him to get me out. Understood?”
It nodded. “Understood, father.”
...Father?
it pointed the skyblaster at me and Teridax nodded again . “Just a precaution, you understand. I have no reason to suspect you of any ulterior motives… apart, that is, from you being an Administrator-level being that I have already seen destroy one of my paintings and get Auric married to some trollop who he doesn’t deserve.”
...Paranoid bastard. I can respect that.
“Yes, yes. I understand perfectly, good sir. And, sorry about the painting. I am, what you call, or shall I say, what I call, a personal appeaser. I do things to keep myself safe and others from wanting to murder me in cold blood...even if I am nigh immortal. Besides, closing the shop with someone in it is grounds for me to lose my interdimensional shopkeeper’s license.”
Okay, he's inside. I can sense him. I could kill him, but then I'd be in serious pain.
“Row thirty-four… he honestly has no idea how useful that power is when one has understanding on their side.”
“Sorry about the low level of light in there, shadowy being and all, can’t stand the light. I’ll just make it less dark, then. That good?”
You goddamn appeaser you, you're better than Neville goddamn Chamberlain.
“No need. I can see perfectly well. And I refuse to let a single shadow out of here. Caution, you understand.”
Yeah, yeah. Keep talking asshole. And...did he just put on a Time Artifact?
“No using Time Artifacts in the store! You might collapse the event horizon keeping the damn thing stable! And grab a bag! They’re free with every purchase made!”
Hehe...I crack myself up...
“You have no idea how useful this will be to me. But I will heed your warning.”
Did he just destroy one of my Bag o' Dementors?
“I assume that bag was filled with rats.”
“Was that my bag of Dementors!? Shit, that took forever to make! Now how am I gonna sell bags of Dementors to Voldemort!?...Oh wait, there’s more in the storeroom...I hope you intend to pay for the damages!”
He's tampering with my pocket, I can feel it...he's... stabilizing it against temporal instability?
“What damages?”
“...Well since you put it back where it was, I guess none. Also, did you add something to the shop? It feels...different.”
“If you use shadows to program things, it only makes sense that I can manipulate your little shop. The addition was meant to keep it stable enough so that I could do that feat. And if, by some chance you ever use that against me, I can simply revert the timestream back. That is the true power of the Vahi, as wielded by a being who understands.”
Tch, I know exactly how to use a Vahi, I UNDERSTAND better than you do, asshole; I'm a SysAdmin.
“Hmm...well, can’t fault that logic. Got everything you need? If so, either please proceed to the manual checkout stations to pay in magic, or outside to me if you intend to pay with things not of your own power. I find that only moral people use self checkout. Villains usually pay in gold or jewels or even this one asshole who paid me in pokemon cards...over fifty million of them… for a death ray worth three hundred US dollars. It was a weird deal...”
What's he doing now? Don't tell me...
“Sek, come in here. I want one last contingency plan before you leave.”
“Yes sir?”
Oh man...
“Disintegrate everything in here.”
GODDAMNIT
He walked up to me radiating smugness like an asshole... He's going down...later.
“I like to be thorough in making sure that no weapons can be easily used against me.”
“Well...on the one hand...MY INVENTORY!!!!!! On another...you are paying for that, right? Otherwise it counts as a robbery and I can get the interdimensional shopkeeper’s guild to come down on your ass. Ever heard of the one called The Merchant? He’s my boss. Third, I can totally understand your viewpoint, one paranoid bastard to another. You have my villainous respect, asshole.”
He's glaring...scary...not.
“And I say again, what destroyed stock? It’s all there, not one item unrestored. Now, I’m paying for this mask, how much for it?”
Oh look, my inventory's back...
“Well, one Kanohi Vahi, base price… about forty gold bits...or a block of protosteel in measurements of one meter cubed… tax adds up to three cubic centimeters of energized protodermis...or another cubic foot of protosteel. Your choice.”
Oh good, he actually looks like he's going to pay.
“Tavish, get the man his forty bits, plus a further 100 for the tax, I think.”
The rakshi saluted, and Teridax looked to me
“I like to pay in cash. How much gold is the tax, precisely?”
Okay, time to actually do business.
“Another three bits… and one silver bit, if you have one. If not, just three bits. Some Equestrias have different monetary systems, y’know?
Sweet, payment!
Oh look, asshole's talking again...
“One last thing. You program universes, correct? And can create and destroy them on a whim? As can the Administrator here?”
Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...
“Well, all of the Void dwellers can destroy Universes by forcing two or more to mingle without a stable connection, but yes, I can create Universes...seems to be just me and a few other Ascended shadow users, though...wonder why. Tangent aside, I’mma assume you want me to keep this Universe from being able to be destroyed, yeah? Can do. It’s just...it won’t stop entropy from killing it eventually, so if you really wanna live forever, you’re gonna have to leave here one day.”
Shit...ah well, won't change anything. Let's just do what he asks.
“You know, I was expecting more resistance. I was going to hurt you a lot. And because of this mask, I think I’ll tell you a portion of my plan. Then, I’ll rewind time to the point where you didn’t hear it-”
“Problem...I exist outside time...good try, though. Just… don’t tell me anything, then.”
He sighs. “As to be expected. Do your work then, Umbra. But this much is safe to say:–”
Oh my god he's staring at me.
“Auric and I were destined to do this, I feel. We are meant to confront each other. He needs me, just as much as I need him. He may not realise it yet… but he does.”
Creepy bastard...
“One last request.”
Gods he's still talking?
“Yeah?”
OH MY GODS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT PAINTING!?
“Deliver this to Auric Fulcrum, please.”
“You in a tux riding pony-Auric in a wedding dress. Good style, lovely brush strokes...oil on canvas?”
Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...
“Please don’t destroy this one. Or I’ll have to destroy you.”
“Yeah...Love the style...subject is a mite disturbing, but to me, humorous in the extreme...snrk...kehehehehe….oh gods my sides….pfft...oh man, Auric is gonna piss himself!”
Oh, he looks confused.
“Whatever. Are you done with your work? If so, then you can leave.”
“Yeah, yeah, give me a sec….let’s see...cross this protocol with that...shut down this one… add extra terms here...init this… block that...aaaaaannnnddd….done! Alright. Well, you’re Universe now appears as an inert Universe, read only to all save for the Admins, if you will. So, no one but me can interact with the coding. I locked everyone out. Everyone.”
“Can beings still go to and from my universe? That’s important.”
“Yeah, it’s like… the difference between using a computer, that is entering and leaving, and writing an OS. You can use the computer, you just can’t rewrite the OS.”
He hands me the weird painting, and nods, a- goddamn-gain
“Then have a very good day. I may sell you some artwork later… maybe even sell some disposable masks.”
Oh thank gods, the lights are finally off. Sweet blessed intangibility never felt so goddamn good
“Jeez, I’m an appeaser, not stupid; I only retaliate. You haven’t actually attacked me...other than knocking me out… and I made money. I ain’t gonna attack a potential repeat customer unless he attacks me first. Also: I’ll buy the art, just...not ones with the subjects as you and Auric...those won’t sell, I’m afraid.”
What is with all the goddamn nodding!?
“Give me some time, and I’ll make you some good paintings.”
He drops the Midak Skyblaster, and gestures me out.
“Your meeting with Auric awaits.”
Goddamn creepy bastard
“Right...Pleasure doing business, Teridax. Perhaps I’ll drop by again with some classical literature from other Universes, if you so desire...just...please don’t dust my inventory again, I don’t think my guild would take it too well if my pocket kept showing signs of temporal instability.”
More nods. Annoying bastard.
“Just don’t sell the dusted items to Auric… or any other enemy of mine.”
Oh look, a portal out of this goddamn Universe
“Goodbye.”
“Adieu.”
VWORPLE
"At least I made some money..."
End Chapter 10
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 6: The Fuck is This? The fuck is That? The Fuck are Those?
Chapter 11 Alt Title: Auric, What The Hell Are You Doing?
After successfully tricking Teridax into thinking that a) I was much weaker than he thought, and b) that he had total command over the actions of my subspace pocket, I found myself drifting through the void, just, y'know, hanging out. Of course, that was before I noticed a temporally unstable Universe in the Equestria Cluster.
Being a SysAdmin, I decided to check it out.
When I got to said Universe, I was immediately surprised at just how badly the Universe was fucked up. Said Universe was also immediately recognizable as the work of my idiot subordinate admin, Tenebrous. Yes, all SysAdmins are shadow manipulators like me, it seems to be the only way to manipulate Universes like we do. Or at least, the one's I've seen are like me...
Whatever...the point is, Tenebrous had a history of creating Universes where the world itself was a game connected to alternate versions of said Universe as different "save files". It was enough to make me want to kick Tenebrous' ass. But I didn't because something else caught my attention.
"Oh no. OH NO HE DID NOT! Teridax did NOT just lock me out of his Universe!"
...
"Shit shit shit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit....Okay...okay...I can handle this. Later. Simple enough...just...need to recalibrate the root world...retroactively manipulate the time stream...hehe...poor bastard doesn't know that new additions only exist from the moment they're programmed onwards...and Time has no meaning in the Void eternal. You may think me worse than Starscream, asshole, but I Understand things a hell of a lot better than your dinky ass little robo-brain. That stray line was intentional, but I must applaud you for your efforts. I'll leave you alone for now...for now."
Oh, the things I would do to mess with Teridax. Speaking of Teridax, he also tore out my initial shadow programming in the Vahi, the one specifically designed to be noticed, that didn't do anything except act as a remote detonator...the fiftieth redundant detonator, to be exact.
Activate Present Tense
Che, Teridax thinks to play me as a fool, but I'm not Starscream and I'm not Brutus...or rather, I'm a traitor but I'm not stupid. [Jsyrin], I'm counting on you to keep [Ssendam] from Master Control-ing everything to hell. After all, ours is a collision of three different, but in a way exactly the same, Multiverses. Not gonna be able to stop one Master Controller from doing what he will, but I got at least one on my side. All the other crossovers are just links in a chain, and I'm the padlock keeping the two opposing chains together, but apart...weird analogy, that.
And no, dear readers, I am not going to stop punching holes in the Fourth Wall. I may not be able to pass through the dimensional barrier separating me from you, but at least I can send a message.
That aside, I guess I should patrol for stupidly fucked up Universes again...man, without Auric or anyone else contacting me for the War of Understanding, my life is really, really goddamn boring. I mean seriously! Here I am, a SysAdmin, retelling my adventures in present and past tense, all at the whims of a Master Controller, a.k.a. [Jsyrin]...and occasionally [Ssendam] and [Thadius0]. Gods, working for those three has ruined me. What the hell am I supposed to do without Auric or Teridax, or their allies, huh? I got nothing to do except Admin work, and that's easily done in, like, five minutes!
...Y'know what? Since I haven't done anything worthwhile in, well, a while, I'm just gonna end the signal transmission here.
G'night dear readers.
Error: No Signal Found.
End Chapter 10.5
(11, technically)
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 7: One Meeting, and A Long Conversation
Chapter 12 Alt Title: It's Dangerous to Go Alone, Take This!
After a while of drifting through the Void, bored out of my metaphorical skull, I began to hear...things...
"Umbra! Umbra, you out there!? Yo mamma so fat she has her own orbit! Umbra! Goddamit Umbra, where are you!?"
It was Auric. And he was calling through his mirror. And he was slinging insults at me, too. I'd have been more pissed off, but being bored is worse than a few insults. Still, I went and headed over to Auric's signal, bad manners to leave someone waiting, after all.
“Y’know, normally I’d be a little pissed about the insults, but I’ve been really goddamn bored since the last time we met, so I’ll let it slide...this time. Do it again and I might retroactively reprogram you as a...hmm, I don’t know...slug maybe?”
Despite the threat, Auric smiled at seeing me appear in his mirror. “Umbra, good to see you. No, really, it is. And do you have any idea how hard it is to find you in the Void Eternal? Seriously. I’d have better luck looking for a hay-colored needle in a haystack. While on fire.”
Damn. Am I really that hard to find? I blushed a little...or I would have, had I a face at that moment.
“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Look, I’ll find something that’ll help you find me if need be. Ah… just let me look through one of my subspace pockets for a sec...no, not this one...nope...ah! Here, it’s dangerous to be alone now, take this.”
The object in question was a slim, rectangular device. Less than six buttons scattered across it’s surface, with a strange logo on the back. It was the shell of a shitty knock-off iPhone, but I made all the internal components, and it worked about as well as my Omnitool...all fifty three of said knock-offs.
“Okay, I know, it looks like a shitty knock-off iPhone, but it’ll bounce a signal across three hundred thousand different Universes. Really, it only connects to the Internet and the other few of these I have. Now you can give me a call whenever you need help.”
Okay, it did more than that, but I figured he'd find out on his own. Tossing it, I was a bit surprised to see it be absorbed into the damn mirror, but at least the Mirror works like the phone does, now. As I watched, I read the words–
Token accepted, Umbra Shadow-Walker added to your list
–in reverse. As I read, Auric smiled and spoke up.
“Forgot to mention that little effect of my mirror. Whoops. Hope it wasn’t too expensive. But look on the bright side, at least now I can find you. Whenever.”
Yeah, that is a pretty decent bright side. I wonder what'll happen when he finds the Skype-chat function?
“...Well, from what I can tell, your mirror now functions as the phone itself, so that’s good. Also, really, it cost...a lot less than you might expect. All I really needed to do was program it into existence...Jeez, I can see why so many people call SysAdmin powers cheating.”
Auric held up two extended fingers.
“That’s half the reason I was looking for you, but we’ll get into that later.”
Extending his other hand, he revealed two crystals, charged with magic and a message each.
“I need you to deliver something to, ugh , Teridax’s Universe.”
I swore under my breath.
“Goddamn it! This is gonna be a lot more difficult than it would have been five hours-by your standards-ago. Teridax decided to try to work his way into SysAdmin coding, almost locked me out before I disengaged my Local Timeline Sync. Thank the gods that Time doesn’t exist in the Void. Managed to work in a lot of hidden backdoors retroactively, asshole won’t know he didn’t succeed until it’s too late. Try as he might, he’s still only a 3D existence, compared to a 5.5D me.”
Why couldn't I have found the signal five hours ago? Also: Teridax is a fag. No offense meant to actual homosexuals, of course. Nothing wrong with homosexuality. AT ALL.
Auric nodded a bit–Jesus Christ, what is with people who Understand and their goddamn nodding!?
“Well, keep your spoilers. This one,” he held up the one that glowed golden, “Is set to go off when it detects moving metal, and should be dropped off in Teridax’s chambers, or however close you feel comfortable getting.” Thus saying, he tossed it into the mirror. The second was also held up. “And this one is set to go off when it hits the ground, it has a message to his Cel. A warning. About what is likely to come, if I know my Multiverse. And Teridax. Try to get it in her chambers when she’s alone.” And with that, the second was tossed into the mirror as well. Which could send things out...why did I not realize that before?
Catching both of the crystals, I smirked, a lightly glowing slash of white appearing below my eyes. Did I forget to mention that I learned how to make expressions?
“Can do, boss man. Teridax is gonna shit himself when he realizes that he failed at keeping out...anyone, really. Of course, if I get my superiors to come down on his Universe, we could encode his soul as a virus and end the war in, like, three seconds. But, you probably don’t want that.”
Auric frowned and crossed his arms while shaking his head. “Nope. He’s gone through all this effort, I think it only fair he see me when I’ve nothing to lose. If it wouldn’t tax you too greatly, could you, perhaps, make a staging ground for this fight betwixt him and I? One where we won’t have to worry about either of our worlds?”
What a party pooper. I could end this entire damn war in seconds, and he doesn't want me to, in favor of slugging it out with a 20+ foot tall, Immortal robot with an Auric fetish.
Oh gods, that image.
I thought for a moment, seeing if I knew of any open spots nearby both Universes, when it hit me.
“As a matter of fact, a few months, by my Local standards, ago, I actually rewrote a forming Universe as a training ground. Long story short, the core of the Universe, as in, what the Universe considers its ‘main subject’, is a gigantic earth-like Planet, tropical, mostly; with, unfortunately, gigantic laser death-wasps the size of minivans. Not really a problem, just something to watch out for. Rather fragile, really. Barely qualifies as a predator, and only because of their laser beams. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, I already have a Universe set up, no sentient beings or anything. Yeah.”
Auric blinked at that. He does that a lot.
“Huh. Convenient. I think. Well then. Oh, by the way, should Teridax actually receive my first message, he’ll likely call on you to guide him to the ‘staging ground’, which, if you don’t mind, I’d like to use that planet for it. As long as you can also link this Mirror to it somehow. So that, y’know, when I’m ready, I can just walk through and get there.”
I worked while he talked, noting the important bits and ignoring the rest. Making a connection between Universes is a hell of a lot easier when there's something to focus it on.
“...Aaanndd...okay! Link is set up and ready to go, crystals should drop in on Teridax and his Celestia in ...three ...two ...one ...Package dropped. Well, that’s done. Anything else?”
I love my powers. So goddamn much
Auric merely smiled. “Add one parameter to this world of yours? Make Immortality count for nothing. That way, one of us dies there.”
Does this 'kid' have a death wish or something? I thought about it further. Should he lose, I could just code him back alive...but what about his wife? How would she feel for those few minutes? I answered.
“I dunno, man. I may be an asexual, oblivious fool in terms of relationships, but I’d rather not, if only for Measured’s sake… speaking of her, she doing okay?”
Auric briefly nods– more goddamn nods. Seriously! What! Is! With! The! Goddamn! Nodding!?
“You don’t quite get it, though. I’m making sure that we’re fighting on equal ground, first off, which is something he’ll enjoy. And probably the biggest piece of bait. But secondly, if he succeeds at...whatever his plan is? I managed to catch brief, possible glimpses of his possible futures.”
Auric’s right side shifted to a darker coloration and his eyes started to burn blue. Scary shit, that.
“You don’t want him as a co-worker. I’m making sure you can kill him and make it stick, or my allies can, if I fail.”
Che! As if Teridax could ascend like that! The sheer nerve of the assumption! Ha!
“One: you won’t fail, a SysAdmin is helping you. We can do literally anything if we know the correct coding. Two: Che! Teridax wouldn’t be able to make it as a SysAdmin, he’s too focused on his agenda, not the Multiverses. Which, if you must know, is: Grow, Spread, Add; Total Freedom, Infinite Realms. Shitty motto, but it sums up pretty well. SysAdmins are there to help, not conquer. Should Teridax reach the 5.5D level, the Void itself would rewrite him to match us. Three: I could just turn off his Immortality and not tell him. No risk to you, deadly for him.”
Gods, I hate that stupid motto, but it's been stuck in my head ever since my boss, சடா, appeared and inducted me as a upper-mid-level SysAdmin. Don't ask me, I don't know how to pronounce it either. It just...appeared in my head when he introduced himself. He never said a word either. Boss சடா uses telepathic imagery to communicate.
Auric shook his head again. “I don’t cheat, I have honor. Both of us or neither, and sealing him away worked so well last time. My morals are what separate me from him, at least I’d like to think so. And sealing is all you can do to true Immortals, which when I have my strength returned enough, I am. So like I said, same situation for the both of us, and I’ll even tell him myself during the fight.”
Goddamn heroes and their goddamn honor. It's going to kill him one of these days, I swear.
“Fine . I’ll do it. And you misunderstand: Rewriting is literally turning him from Teridax...to… whatever his Admin name is, he won’t be Teridax anymore. Also, again, SysAdmins are beyond True Immortals. I can still kill him...unless he decides to try and absorb me, in which case he just gets Rewritten and then I can’t kill him.”
Auric let out a sad smile. “Thank you, and I’m sorry for putting you through any trouble. I just...I want this to end.”
Auric’s right hand lit up...with a blaze of cobalt flames. PAINFUL cobalt flames. Whatever they were, they must have been just as magical as his normal, gold flames.
“One way or another, I want this to end.”
I flinched away, my features smoothing back out into my normal eyes.
“I-it’s no problem, really. S-SysAdmins are also technically part of Tech Support. We l-live to se-serve. H-hey, could you t-turn that off? It actually really hurts being in that light’s presence.”
If it's enough to get me to stutter like that, it's really goddamn painful. And I mean really. Even outside Auric's Universe, the mere sight of those godforsaken flames hurt a lot .
Auric blinked, turning his eyes to his hand.
“Oh. This? This is just a bit of Dullahan leaking through. One moment.”
The flames died slowly as he faded back to normal.
“There. Better? Sorry about that as well. E’er since we merged...my emotions are all over the place. Along with my powers.”
He merged with Dullahan? No wonder I couldn't sense that pile of metal. What a dumbass, that could have killed him for real. Then Teridax would have tried to take it all out on me .
“It’s fine. Most Admins are vulnerable to something or another, keeps us from being too… I guess distant? Whatever. Can you imagine over a hundred shadows, each capable of warping reality to the point where fact and fiction merge, all invulnerable to everything but the death of the Void? Not pretty. My weakness just so happens to be intensely magical Light. And really, that’s not the worst of it. My subordinate, Kage, is weak against gamma radiation . Sure, it doesn’t seem bad, but most stars give it off, which means he’s useless inside a Universe. Gods, what is wrong with me today? All this exposition and diverging from topics…”
Seriously, what was wrong with me? I'm usually never this trusting.
Auric merely chuckled and waved his hand. “I know, I know. Sometimes I’m giving a lecture to Measured as to what a particular element does, then somehow it segues from there to the game to...home. Or what used to be home.” He sighs. “Okay, I’ma let you go, but one last favor afore I do? Check in on my buddy Richard for me? I sent him a care package a while back, I’d like to know that he got it and that he’s...mostly okay. Take care, you crazy shade.”
Richard...Richard...Oh yeah, the one that got Auric into this mess, if only indirectly...yeah, he's doing fine...
I smiled a little, not enough to form an actual smiley face though.
“Yeah, sure. Take care too, you crazy alchemist… oh, before I go, you and Teridax aren’t the only ones who Understand. If you need to vent about it, call for a SysAdmin, we know your pain.”
It really sucks being someone who is intimately aware of basically every goddamn thing in the Void, subconsciously at least. SysAdmins have some problems too, ya know?
Great...back to drifting and Admin work. Gods, if I'd known what I would be doing when I put on that damn mask...I'da still put it on, actually. Being a shadow: Awesome. Being bored: NOT Awesome.
Maybe I could puzzle out just which dumbass coded the Homestuck Universes. That DAMN Cluster has been so thoroughly tangled up in itself that it isn't even a cluster of spaced out bubbles any more. No, it's a disgusting bubbly nebula full of breaches, alternates, and blatant Void breaking shenanigans. Gods, the problems of being an Upper-Middle Level SysAdmin.
End chapter 12
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Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 8: The End of the Beginning of the Middle
Chapter 13 Alt Title: Goddamn Teridax is Too Goddamn Smart for His own Good
After my meeting with Auric, I quickly made my way over to the Homestuck "Cluster". The unfortunate thing about the Homestuck cluster is that, although there are separate Universes, it appears as less than a field of distinct bubbles, and more as a nebula with some very, very distorted bubbles. The dimensional barriers in the Homestuck Cluster are so thin that anyone can go anywhere and anywhen within the Cluster. My job, according to the Boss man, is to try and detangle it as much as possible within the next millennia or so, a long term project, if you will. Alright, fingers crossed.
Accessing Cluster Data Logs:
Warning: Data Is Severely Corrupted; Continue? Y/N
Y
Accessing Corrupted Data...
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̴̤̺̯̱ͧ́̂̅ͪ̃̾̋̓̈́ͮ͋ͦA̢͇̲̭͉͖̬̪̩̜͍̰͂͒̓̑̌̇́ͫ̐ͫ̾̉̚͡ͅS̴͆͂̎̉͛̓͒͆̑ͪͮ̒̽͒̾̇ͧͤ͑҉̷̠͉̼͎͔̼̳̮̼̘D̵̢͂̉̈́ͩͪ̿͌̉̋̓ͫ̂ͯ͞͏̰̻̠͖͖̖̻͚̼̪͇̱ͅF́̊̔̌ͨ͋̽́ͩͩ͛̄́ͮ͒͋͗҉̤̘̭̘̙̝͓̺̠̘̻̫̮̳͖̤͔̩͡ͅŲ͕͙͔͔̼͕̙̩̗̗̣̟̘̠̪̇̑̀͗͂̊̅͗͑̋ͤ͒͂͑̍̈͂̚͜͝ͅI̸̛͈̼͎̥̺ͬ̆ͮ̉͟͠S̴̢̲̥̤̱̳̐̑͒ͧͣ̏́̇̓ͯ̚Ḏ̸̜̭̥̑̔ͧ̾̚͜͠͠͠Ư͈̘̯͔̭͔̞̗͈͉͉̠͔̩̲͒̌̑̋ͪ̾̐͒̕͞͠F̸̢̩̥̜̖̗͚̼̰͎̣͇̩̳͔̣̈͋̆ͮ̑ͦ͐̍ͤ̑ͯͣ͐̇́̿͒͗͜͝H̸̠̯̣̭̬̦̯̭̰͙̮̱͙͖͉͛ͦ̐̏ͣͥ͊ͫ̏̒͗͑ͩ͞S̴̢̡̖͖̭͚̙̥̠̗̗̫̽͒̆͌ͤ̐ͯ̾̔̀̂̾̈́̾̄͜Ḱ̷̢̡̼̯͙͙̹͈̟͇̩̠̲̾̆́ͯ̒ͤ̀͒͛̑̿͗͂͑͛̋̈́̔͘D̶̴̶̴̥̙̦̞̂̔͛ͮ̔̎ͧ̃͘J̵͔͚̗͈̟̲͖̠̯̹͖̬̲̖̻̦̭͕̯̾̔͋ͭͩ̔͟͠H̨̙̖̗̼͍̬̳͈͔̱͚͍̱̐͒̍ͨ̃͗ͪ̈́͟͜͟G̴̛͎͍̩̯̯͔̩̣͆ͣͮͩ̎ͯ̋̃͑͐́̚͘͡Į̛̋͆͂̈̔̈́̅͒̊ͧͨ͂͋̇́͞҉̨̳̻̰̹̫̖͓͈S̨̩̣̪̤͔̥̘̮͉͛̑̏̿͂͆͝͝U̷̷̗̰͍̩̟̹̹̺̓̆͐͐ͣ̌́ͪͪͤ̐́̓́ͮ̈͒͑͐́͡͠ͅG̶̶̸̼͎̖̱̣̪̻̹̟̳͍ͣ̓͊ͨͣ̀̊ͥ̈̂ͤ̒͌͒͂
̸̧̞͎͉̰̜̈ͣ̍͌̀̀̈̂̏̊ͭ͑̋̈̈́̎ͣ́́͘Į̨̛͖͍̝͍̻̮͕̣̞͚̘͎͕͐͐ͣͭ̇ͪͭͩ̐̄ͭ̏͌ͩ̏͑̀̚F̴̪̜͚̯̮͎̭͓̲̺͓͆ͮ̔̄̍̌̒͊͟U̷̶̯̘̦͈̙̩̭̼̞̮̭̝̒ͣ̓̍̃̔ͮ͐̈̍̓̃ͧ̅ͥ̂ͭ͒ͅG͎̣̼̯͓͙̭̺͎̗̱̐̽̈́̃̓ͧ̽̇́ͣ͗͐ͫ̐̇ͨ͂̈́̆̕͝S̵̩̺̱͉̱͇͚̽ͤ͌͑͛̇̍ͧ̇̓ͭͤͦ͟Ḓ̻̠͉̭̩̻͍͈̲̱̱̗̟͔͇ͤ͋͒̑͂ͬ̿́̆̑̾̿ͯ̀̐̀͞K̈͆͒̔̂̀̇ͧ͏҉̲͎̭̠̺̭̠̼̫͓̼F̵̢̘̭̙͚͉̟̙̹̹͙͕͇̤̯̤̰̙̈̅̒̓͗̿́͝ͅJ̛͇͖͓̟̙̮͙̼̝͈̿̊ͫ̓͑̐̋̽ͤ͗ͧ̇ͥ̅̐̈́̏̃͟͟͟Ḏ̸̨̨̳̳̑̌͗ͨ͛́F̡̛̘̠̪͓̣̘̥̱̲̙̞̤̩̟̖̅̋ͫ͑̑ͬ͒̐́́ͩ̎ͨͫ̓̀͝
̡̤̫̦͔̱̦̟͊̔ͭ̈ͩ͒̔̍͂ͦ̐̐̒̕͢͠I̵̢̫̗̬͕̻̘̪̅ͬ̋̿̄̃̐ͨ̿̈́̑͂̚͞Ḓ̶̶̢̮͍̹̖͍̥̈͆́ͫͯͮ͘͡F͂̆̃ͥ͆̍̌̑͗͆̈͌ͬͬ̑̚҉̶̗͔̞͔̰̜̙͍̖̖̻̹̟̩̮͢͢͟U̶̸̧̥̻̠͈̳͚͚̫̳͎͎͈̳̻̻͎͙̮̔ͭ͒̑̃̿ͭ̅̔̋̿̔̊̇̑́ͭ̽̊͜͡H̶̵̫̲͖̠͍̹̤̪̪͓̖̼͔̫̻̣̹̫̘̏̉ͣ̆͐̿̌̇͞G̷̛̝̦̙̝̘̘͔ͩ̑ͩͥ̌̋̾̐ͩ̿͆̒ͥ̍̀̑Ḏ̫̞̩̪͔̰͕͕͈͔̍̓̑͒̃́͞ͅK͂͊̆̽ͦ̓͊̓̌̆̌̽ͮ̊̊̎҉̨͍̰̝̲̞̻̳͘J̯͚̳͕͍̱̪̣͓̣̳͇͓̮̅ͪ̇̍ͤͪ̂ͯ̋ͦ̂̑͐̽̕̕V̡͚̬͚̳͇̝͈͚͉̩̲ͬͯ̊͊͑̒͆͗̍͑ͦ͂ͩ͡X̵̴̗̜̦͕̮͚̦̝̯͇͇͖̌̊ͥ͆ͣͩ̽̄ͨ͆̉ͨ̂͌̀̚U̲͓̜͕ͮ͛͑̿̉͌̉ͮ̽͟͝͠C̵̴̢̩͇͕͛̒ͤͧ̈́̏́͠ͅŸ̴̷̢̱̣̪̲̻̥̲͉̳͎̣̜́̾̊͑ͭͯ͋̔ͤͪ̉́̍V̶̨̫͎̜̗̣̓̎͋̉͋͋̍̔̋ͫ͊͊̈́ͩ́̆ͮ̚X̃̈́ͩ͂̄ͦ̑͂ͭ̉́̇̾ͯ҉̡̧̙͖̠͇͠V̉̍̉͒̓̚҉̴̵̜̪̝͈
̶͓̗̺ͫ̃́̑́ͤ́͟ͅI̵̧͚͇͎̦̖͉̘̘ͤ̆̈́ͩ̒͟͞X̸̴̦̦̱͍̱̱͔̮̲͙̘̟̋͋̓ͧͧ͊͐̆ͬ̂̒͆̓̈̓̚͜ͅC̷ͯ̃͊̐ͬͫ̀̾ͦͪ̎ͮ́͡͝͏̠͕̝̯̦͖̟̬Y̸̖̫̙̘̞̖̫͖͈̟̥̻̅ͫ̊̔ͪ̋ͅV͚̻̪̥̱̪̹̼̠̰́̽͑̅ͬ̐̓͒́ͫ̐̈́̀́͡Ȋ̴̬̤͔̼̰̙̖ͧ̓̅̔̄̎͊̽̄͛́͘X̶ͧ͋͗̋̈́ͦ͌͊̅̍ͯ͟҉͓͓͙̳̝̣̙̯̟̩͘͡U̶̲͙̺̞̟̞͎̮͕͆̾ͦͧ̿̋͆̅̽͛̿̔̾͌̑ͣ̊̚͟͢͡C̠̹̠̰̞͕͖̣̎̉͛̎ͮ́̕Y̴̷̥͍͉̘̭̜̥̩̠̮̲͇̦̝͚̞̮͙̼̆́ͫͪ̀ͬ͂̔̂ͯ̄ͯ̊ͬ́V̷̘͔̮̰̞ͧ͛̂̈́̾ͣ̀̌͗ͭ̉̎̂ͪ́͟͞I͚̥̪̬̼͍̱̼̹̞̙̝̞̜̓͛ͫ̌́͒̌̄͂̾̈́̉̂̃͢͝X̷̢̛̥̻͚̹̳̮͔̗̬͕̩̜̻̮͓̳̬̼ͯ͗̀̾̄̈ͭ̾ͣ̈͛͋ͮ̄̇͘͘U̷̻̻̲̤͇͖̯̖̓̃̄͋̆̇̑̂̓͋̌ͦ́͡Ç̷̸̄̊̌͛̾̍͏̘̮̩̝͈͙̺̯Y͉̣̦̙̼̦̺̅ͫ͊̀ͩͫͬ̈̽̅̈́̓̓̀͟V̴̵͎̬̤͖͉̦̙̦̗̳̬͖̏ͫ͂̒ͪ̀͋͝Ĩ̓̉ͨ̃̍̓͆̀̐͛͂͐̿̓ͩ̚͏̻̲̱̪̦͖̫͕
̸̸̲̦͇̮̰̻̠̠̱̙̬̫̔͌̔ͥ͐͂̉ͩ̃̔ͥ͒͆̎͂͋́̚̚͜N̢̰͇͓̫̐̓ͨͯ̓̚͟G̸͈͖̻̩͉̩̗̫͖̪͓̰̞̦̲̬̺͇ͭ̓̀ͯ͢L̷ͣͩͭ̔̇͛͊ͧ̕҉̴͍̦̞̼̳̗̗̹́D̹̥̮̦̜͓̪͓̰̜͉͙͙̺̻̳̍̄͗̿ͦ̃̑ͨ̕͜F̡̆ͦ̈ͭ̊ͫ͂ͪ̄̔̂̉̄ͣͯ̚͏̢͍̳̬͉̫͍̲Y̸̡̬̭̻̻̟̱̯̮͚̱̗̣̭͆ͮ͊̈ͧ͒Ș̢̦̳̣̻̍̋̾̌̐ͫ͘͢ͅP̶̿̋̿ͬ̑ͭ̄̎ͭͫͨ̏͗̚҉̨̫̭̼̳̹̩͕̮̜̣ͅF́̿ͨ̂ͪͪ̐͒̂ͤ̑̈ͮ͟͏͎͍͓̖̹̤̹̲͍̜͖̥̀͜͝E̡̓ͫ̾̂̾͑͗̐͐ͥ͌͑ͦ̊̏̓̅̚̕͢͏̖̟̬̣͔̜̬̼͚͔͕͍͓̱̬͎̥̬̕ͅ
̸̴̺̥͚̩̞̠̥͉̟̭͔̪͖̦̩͔̖̥̖́ͤ̀̓ͥ͌ͩ͆̅̔̄̕8̛̯̦̫͔̙̦͙̟͚̪̫́͛͌͠ͅ7̴̜͓͚͕̼̟͚̺͇̩̪̠̀ͧ̓̂ͣ͊ͫͣͬ̀͞Ş̵̰̹͓̥̫͚͖͍̺͔̟̮͉̮̥͖ͨ̂ͧ͐̉ͣͥ̈́͐̽ͧ́̒̓̌ͮ̒͐͘R̴̡̙͖̳̗̱͖̻ͦ̎̑̒́̃̀͛ͨ͊̎̾ͨ̏̑ͫ͒̐͞K͓͓͖̠͎͈͍̩̤̝͖̰̻͚͉̳̙̒̇͐̓ͮ͘S̄̊̾̇͆͊̚҉̹̲̟̜͙̺̖̠̼̲͚̱̠̙͚͈͜ͅHͮ͋̄̏̉̈͒ͯͯ̾͌͐͏̴͍͔̫̬J̸̩̯͙̘̥̻͚̦̜̮̯̯͇ͯ̍̏̔́̕͝ͅͅF̷̩̠̠̘̦͉͚̦̳͙̘̙̼̟̞̘̍̊͛ͭ̇͒̈ͩ͐̃̐̚͞͞͠
̶͕͙͓̟̜̦̈̿̍̎́̄ͮ̓̾͟͟͠9̴̷̷̷̣͎̻̰̰͉̙̔̈́̏͒ͪͣ͐ͬ̊̅͌ͯ͘ͅ8̧͈̣̬͔̼͎͙̝̘̞ͣͬ̉̉̒̎̽ͯ͋ͣ̉̄͗ͧ̄́͜͟Y̨͕̣͍̤͔̰̳͉͈͕̹̩̱͕͈͍͕̦̰̿̌̐̾̓̄̇̑ͩ̇̂͠V͒̍́̽ͪ͆͛̆̔̓͘͞҉̣̫̺̖̫Ẓ̸̛̤̼̝͉͖͖̝̭ͣͣͩͪ̑ͩͩ̂̎́̚͜͠Hͬ̉̒̇ͨ̆̀̀̃̅̃ͬ̚҉̞̞̦͚͚͇̣̞̤͖͙̟̗̰̘̠͢F̡̛̛̜͇̥̼̪̤̗͓͈͎̩͈͍̈͛ͦͥ͐̊͊̾̏̀ͧͦ͒̅͢͞ͅD̛̥̫̱̥̦͉̼̤̱̣̻̜̼ͤ̆̎͆ͩͥ͝ͅJ̡̢̡̨̙͔̪̲̮̣̱͈̖̯̩̝̘͇͉͔̊̑̽̀͟Ņ̧̣̳̝͈͕͚̱͕͉̣͑͗͑̏̐ͬ̓͊̒͝͝ͅB̛͖͎̹͉̾ͧ̿̎ͨ̈́͟͠Z̛͍̱͉̦͒̌̉̎͞F̛̲͎̲̳͍̈́̋͒ͭͪ̉ͯ́͡L̂̽̿͆̑ͧ͑̏̈́̅̀̚͏͓̠̘̮̜͍̫̗́K͒́̎̔̂ͧ͐̍͗ͣͣ̈͜͠͏̧͓̰̺͓̥͓̠̩̜̻̜B̧̺̜̟̬͉̪͔̤̯͍̬̖̔̓̈̊ͦ̄ͨ̂̓ͬ͌̽ͮ͛̋ͥͭ́͟ͅJ̵̗̼͓͕̝͖̻̘̘͈͕̜̲̼̭̄̇͆̾͊̍͋̅̈ͦͧ͘͢ͅX̵̴̢̛̟̤̜͇͍̯̥̻̳̞͇̲̰̟̌̓ͩ̋͌͊ͫ̏͛͒ͣͨ̓̾̓ͭ̚ͅ
"Oh man...this is bad. This is real bad. Who the hell even coded this fucked up mess anyways?"
Creator: Tenebrous
"I should have fucking known."
One thing that should be noted is that SysAdmins gain their positions in the hierarchy by merit, not age. That's exactly why Tenebrous is my subordinate even though he's a lot older than I am.
Continuing on, I slashed away at corrupted code after corrupted code, managing a speed unmatched by most other Admins at my level. After a relative few hundred years, I finished my nonstop work. The new Cluster was a thing of beauty; perfect bubbles all interconnected with legitimate fractal bridges, keeping the spirit of the Cluster, but cleaning it up immensely.
"I am going to get so much Cred for this, it's not even funny."
Cred, by the way, is basically the way Extradimensional Creatures get paid. Like the Credits you find in most SciFi Games, but cooler. Based on a merit system, the better one does at their job, the more one gets paid. There's a lot of stuff in the Void that one can buy, you'd be surprised
Later
After receiving my pay and a Status Upgrade, I decided to take a bit of time off and check on Teridax's Universe. When passively Scanning the Universe, I found something that nearly made me destroy the Universe in sheer frustration.
"So...He's smarter than I thought...Tch...And I thought I had my bases covered. Fucking piece of shit just won't take it lying down, will he? Well, let's just BREAK IT ALL DOWN!"
Pouring my focus into the Universe on it's own, the first thing I did was to completely overhaul the programming language from ShadowA++ to UMBRA OS-. ShadowA++ is the standard programming language for Universes, and is, unfortunately, really goddamn easy to manipulate if you can find the stray Code Floaters that constantly appear. It's an old language, and is more stuck in antiquity than the goddamn Catholic Church in Earth 11798b+. UMBRA OS- is my personal language. Similar to ShadowA++, it is easy to manipulate, but only if you know every last detail about it. Due to it being "State of the Art" there aren't any Code Floaters...for the most part. A significantly intelligent Shadow Programmer could pul out Floaters if they knew where to look, but they don't appear on their own.
Exposition aside, after overhauling the System and making sure that most of the data was compatible, I began to tweak the Universe.
"Okay...he's still expecting his changes to be there...let him keep what he wants...reset SysAdmin position to Umbra Shadow-Walker...local Minor Admin is Makuta Teridax...Local Major Admin is Umbra Shadow-Walker...lock Minor Admin Abilities to bare minimum...reset viral coding...hard reset this...twist these parameters...defrag the data logs...mumble...mumble fragle frigle mrhrhrhrhrhrh..."
Present Tense Activated
Teridax'll be surprised to find that he wouldn't be able to recode the Universe anymore. Che! It's a damn good thing I'm so lenient with him, otherwise this War would've ended in the first six hours after I learned of it. Teridax thinks he can best a SysAdmin, and he'd be right in the case of Tenebrous or even Itzal.
(Side Note: Itzal is my direct subordinate, my secretary, if you will. She's smart, but kinda naive, and she sometimes fucks up her programming a little. She used to be a Basque scientist on Earth 776699a...one accident with a teleporter later and she becomes a SysAdmin.)
But me? Keh. I have had thousands of perspective years of experience with shadow manipulators trying to make themselves the local Admins of their Universes. 'Tis folly to think that one with only a scant few months of experience could even hope to challenge my skill.
No, it really isn't arrogance. Mostly. Shadow Programming works based on how much experience one has with it. The longer one has used it, the better they are...unless one just really has a knack for it, like me.
"Tch. Let's see the asshole get out of this mess."
Job done, I decided to go find Zelretch, he's always good for a laugh.
...Actually no, Zelretch is an asshole.
Let's go find the Doctor...or maybe even Dr.Strange.
End Chapter 13
End Arc 3
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Arc 4: The Master; Chapter 1: Good Grief, Why am I Helping People? I have Work I Need to Do!
Chapter 14 Alt Title: In Which I do Nothing Much
After a good bout of messing with the Doctor, I decided to find some more heroes to help fight Teridax, since he'd obviously be busy trying to puzzle out the changes to his Universe for a good, long while.o
Spotting one, I passively scanned the Universe and found its inhabitant to be one Displaced Ben 10. And, he had just been freed from...a four thousand year imprisonment? Harsh.
Entering, I noticed that Ben had just fallen asleep, so I waited in the shadows for the opportune moment.
Some Eight Hours or so Later
As soon as Ben woke up, he was immediately hit in the face by the combined Tokens of Kat Shifter, Auric, Ghost Rider, and Michael Faraday.
“Now, where did you come from?”
And there was my opportunity.
Present Tense Activated
“Probably from other Universes, Ben.”
“GAH!”
Hah! Wuss!
“Wh-who or what are you?”
Oh, he looks freaked out, let's introduce ourselves, eh?
“My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, System Administrator of the Multiverse, Rank: Assistant CEO of Branch 445903 Beta. Serial Number: 11092748357 Alpha Delta Z. I am a living manifestation of the space between Universes, colloquially called a ‘living shadow’. So...the question is, Ben, what are you going to do with those Tokens?”
Nailed it.
“Tokens? What?”
He looks back to the bed and point at the myriad of Tokens on his bed.
“You mean the things that hit me in the head?”
Jeez...he really hasn't seen the Multiverse yet? Wow...such timing, much punctual.
“Yes. They are...how should I say...calling cards for other Humans...Displaced in Equestrias not your own. Using them, one is able to call upon the respective Token owner for aid.”
There, that should provide a basic enough explanation...I just wish I could explain it better, but seeing as I don't need no goddamn Token, I don't really know exactly what they are.
He blinks. “Wait, so I’m not the only shmuck that got sent to Equestria? Well an Equestria? Is this the kind of thing Voiceless was trying to show me?” He said the last part more to himself than anything, but I still heard him.
“Most likely, Ben. Though, your Voiceless doesn’t quite Understand all the full implications of it, now does he? Tell me, has he ever told you that you could make your own Token to travel to other Universes?”
Status Update: 34 New Jobs Pending
Comment from சடா:
Oh GODDAMMIT OF ALL THE FUCKING TIMES THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
Oh wait, Ben is still talking
"Really? You are seriously asking me if a guy named ‘Voiceless’ spoke to me?”
I'mnotpissedoff,don'tsnapathimI'mnotpissedoff,don'tsnapathimI'mnotpissedoff,don'tsnapathimI'mnotpissedoff,don'tsnapathim....
“You know full well what I meant, Ben; do not test me. I’m not in the best of moods today; my boss has put me on a very tight schedule, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”
Oops.
He puts his hands up defensively. “Woah, woah, ok. Don’t flip out on me, you’re gonna harsh me out. I don’t like that. Sorry, but yeah I get what you’re saying. And no, Voiceless rarely ever shows me more than images of the Multiverse, most of which kinda just flew over my head. But, really, what’s got you in such a tight knot? You act like you’re in the middle of a war or something.”
Perceptive lad, ain't he?
“One: My boss has given me the task of fixing the fucked up coding of no less than thirty local Universe clusters. Two: I am in the middle of a stressful, petty war between two beings from across the Equestrian Cluster. Now can we move on? I’m on a schedule.”
Normally I never get pissed off, even the slightest bit. I wonder why I'm mad today?
“Um, okay, but I’m not exactly sure as to why you’re here. And I’m sorry you’re so stressed, if there was any way I could help, I’ll gladly lend you a hand.”
I must keep this one away from Lyra.
“Hmm...well, that coincides nicely with my next point. Ahem. Ben 10; you have been selected to ally with Auric Fulcrum in the War of Understanding. Your enemy will be Makuta Teridax, Lord of Darkness. Are you a bad enough dude to save a Universe?”
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He blinks. “Woah, that’s heavy. I did offer, though, so I guess I’m in. I’ve been out of comission for a few millennia, but I’m raring to go. I don’t speak for the other guys, but I don’t think they have a choice if I agree.”
Oh yeah, those voices in his head...almost forgot about those.
“Ah, that’s right; you have those other voices in your head. No, they don’t really have a choice; but, if you agree, I can guarantee them temporary bodies if they aid you. I think they’ll agree to those conditions, don’t you think?”
They had goddamn better not, Saving Auric from possible destruction'd be a lot easier with their help...possibly.
“I doubt that any of them could refuse an offer like that, but that is something that’ll probably be discussed while I’m sleeping next. You see, they can’t hear anything I do, not since they were given forms, nor can we communicate mentally, except when asleep.”
He taps his head a few times.
“It gets pretty messed up in here. Though, those bodies better be temporary; I don’t want any of them running free longer than they should.”
I smirk a little bit. Who the hell does he think I am?
“Alright then. Now, we need you to make yourself a Token, I’ll deliver it to Auric later. Simply focus your power on an object of your choosing, and add a message to it. If you need assistance, I can just program one into existence for you.”
Simple enough, right?
He taps his chin in thought...I do wonder what he is thinking about...probably nothing important enough for me to care about.
“Got it!”
That was fast.
He begins to scroll through the Omnitrix, “I learned this trick a while back,” he explains as he taps in a few commands. “Press that there, pull this one here, and scratch that one down, and… ta da!”
Why is it glowing green? Oh look, a Plumbers' Badge! I've got several thousand of them.
“One instant distress beacon!”
Such amaze, much wow, very shock.
“Great. Now focus your power into it and add a message. Hurry, Princess Twilight is going to wake up soon.”
In about five minutes to be more specific.
“Uh, okay. Let’s see. Thinking, thinking, thinking... Ah! Got it!”
This is gonna be just as bad as so many other Displaced Token messages, isn't it?
“This is the great Ben 10, bringer of peace and hero to all! Simply tap this token three times and I shall come to your aid and bring peace to your land! How was that?”
Looks like I was right, ugh.
“Corny and ostentatious to the extreme. But, I suppose it’s not any worse than the others. Hand it over.”
Oh look, I basically ate the damn thing...with me torso....yeah,,,
“There’s something I wanted to ask of you. Who are these others whose tokens I received anyway?”
“Well, the Diamond Token is from Kat Shifter, a Gravity Manipulator. The Coin is Auric’s, use that if you need to contact him. The Chain is Ghost Rider’s, and the Hourglass is Michael Faraday’s. I suspect that other tokens will one day make their way over to you as well.”
They had goddamn better. Wonky Time is only an excuse for the time it's taken for even these to appear.
“Okay, they sound pretty cool, especially if there’s a Ghost Rider out there. This is so cool! I haven’t had this much fun since I taught Tia and Lulu how to troll!”
Oh thank gods the Princesses have senses of humor here, Celestia and Luna back home are so stuffy and...bureaucratic....bleh.
“Quite. Well, Princess Twilight is awake, as are Spike and...Nyx? Oh my, it’s a variant of that Universe. Interesting. And you say you taught Celestia and Luna to troll? My oh my… I should teach mine to, maybe they’ll loosen up some.”
“Definitely helped them out, then again that was my job. By the way, you get around a lot right? Did you ever pick up anything cool?”
“Actually, yes. Give me a moment, I always have time to make a profit. Here we go! Welcome to Umbra’s Endless Artifacts!”
With that, I brought my revamped shop into existence. I had to, Teridax fucked up my old one.
“Awesome!...Wait, ‘profit’? You mean this stuff is for sale?!”
Is this kid slow or is it just me?
“Right, I didn’t mention that I was also part of the Interdimensional Shopkeeper’s Guild, did I? Well, I’ll give you a discount, since you look like you don’t have much of worth on you at the moment. Speaking of valuables, do you have anything of worth stashed anywhere? Sentimental and/or monetary, of course. I deal in both.”
I guess it's a combination of both.
For some reason, Ben pales and starts to swat his pockets.
“Oh please still be… yes!”
Holy shit, did he just pull a sack of bits out of his left back pocket!? Bet you thought I was gonna say ass, didn't ya?
“Sweet! Tia’s enchantment still works! You take bits?”
Enchantment? That would explain it.
“Bits work...so would those diamonds that your Petrosapien form fires off...have you unlocked that one yet?”
He should have...the scans said so, at least.
“You mean Diamond Head? Yeah, got him after three hundred years, give or take. That’s one breakfast conversation that I don’t think we want repeated, even though it was… several times.”
What the hell is he doing now? Looking for Diamond Head?
“I really wish I figured out the master control on this thing. Bet it was that stupid chip that weird guy gave me that kept me from figuring out the code. Damn him.”
Oh shit...not him again
“Weird guy? Creepy merchant guy, ran a prop shop at a convention?”
“Comic Con..."
Hey, I met him at Comic Con too!
"..."
You look shocked, kid...you alright?
"How did you know!?”
Oh yeah, he doesn't know yet...wonder when he'll get that packet that Auric sent out...
“Every last Displaced in every Equestria that I’ve met so far has told me of the same guy. Different appearance each time, but always described as a creepy merchant. Besides, I met him too...and he’s in the Interdimensional Shopkeeper’s Guild...punched him out as soon as I learned that he was in the Guild too; bastard made me spend half my cash on a shitty wooden mask that made me what I am...Half my goddamn cash . I only had two hundred on me!”
I'm still bitter...just a little.
“Huh, weird. I bought a microchip off him for a buck. That’s what sent me here. If you see him again, tell him thanks from Ben 10. Though it sucked at first, coming here is the best thing to ever happen to me.”
A buck!? Damn him...damn him to hell.
“Will do, by the way...you want that Master Control? Also...here, have this, I think it’s called a ProtoTool...I get the feeling you might like it.”
Gift time! He better take this or I'm gonna...gonna...do jack fucking squat
“A real ProtoTool ?! No way! How much?! And thanks for the offer, but I think I would rather just keep messing with the watch until I get it to work; got me some of my best forms in doing so. Plus it kept my little sisters on their hooves”
Well...at least he'll take the ProtoTool.
“Just like Auric, never taking the easy way. Tch. Heroes and their stupid nobility...Well, I got a hint for you: Konami code with the buttons, switch A and B for left and right turns respectively, Select and Start with popping the faceplate up and down respectively. I’m not going to tell you what it does, though. It could be a new form, it could be the Master Control...I’ll leave you to find out. And the ProtoTool is, with your discount, thirty bits. With taxes, that comes to thirty three bits. Would you like a receipt?”
Really it's just a formality, but I have to ask, lest I lose my Guild position.
“Nah. Good thing some of this is my own. Don’t want to alert my sisters that I’m alive, yet.”
Another one with a falling out with Celestia and Luna? Jesus, is this a common trend or what?
“Had a falling out, did you? Don’t worry, plenty of Displaced have had the same problem. Auric was one of them. Just make sure you get all the facts before you do anything stupid...and explain your position thoroughly too...by the way, what exactly happened?”
“They walked in on a mistransform and saw Rath in my room”
Oh, ouch, that ain't good
“They thought he killed me so they blasted us into stone. Not their fault, I would have probably done the same thing if that happened to one of them.”
Overprotective older brother figure is overprotective.
“Tsssss...Ouch...Yeah, just go explain things to them, I saw your little freak out yesterday...If you want, I’ll come with you for support...and maybe protection.”
He rubs the back of his head like a typical Shonen Teenage Hero Boy.
“I don’t know Umbra. I never could bring myself to tell them about the voices. I mean, how are they suppose to take that their big brother has voices inside his head that take on alien forms and go on rampages? I don’t want to put them through that; not that I really wanted to make them think I was dead either, but… that one I couldn’t help with.”
UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Y'know what, I feel like today is a meme day.
“Let me give you two important pieces of information; one: the Princesses have had over a thousand years to mature...well, maybe not in Luna’s case...they should be capable of handling it. Two: maybe you don’t want to put them through any sort of drastic revelations about yourself, but sometimes you just need to tell someone about your problems. Besides, it was just a simple misunderstanding followed by hasty action due to a lack of information...information that you failed to provide, might I add.”
Heheh...I love Kill la Kill, that crazy anime...
“Jeeze, you act as if I’m mad at them or something.”
...what?
“...Just tell them you twit, they can handle it.”
...maybe I'm getting a little frustrated...just a little.
“Maybe you’re right. It has been nearly four thousand years, maybe they have finally grown up a little more. But I should probably take it slow, maybe just start with finding out a little more on what I missed. I should probably get to know where I’m staying too, ya know, since I’m stuck here at this castle.”
Oh I know exactly what to do right now, and it's gonna be sweet.
“...Information upload authorized; Proceeding with upload. Warning, this may be painful for the next 3.14159 seconds. Brace yourself .”
“Wait, what?!”
And then Ben screamed like a little bitch for the next three seconds, then shouted incoherent ramblings for the next minute. This also had the unfortunate effect of waking up Twilight and her...kids?
“What in the gods’ names just happened?”
“Well, you did mention something about catching up on what you missed.”
What the hell am I doing? Why am I cracking myself up so much? Oh gods this is hilarious.
“Did not mean all at once! Now it’s like I have a continuous looping blur in my head of history that I don’t completely understand! I bet it would take Hum, BS, and Voiceless days to finally Understand all that!”
What a whiny little bitch.
“Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess.If you're going to be such a baby about it–” I snap my fingers, “–Then there, one seamless, perfect, instantaneous integration of four thousand years of history. Better?”
“Technically, it’s prince, and don’t use Link on me! I don’t know how old you are, but boy don’t be startin’ nothin’ with me! Wait a second! Woo, sorry about that. Rath channeled through for a moment. Hate it when that happens. Sorry for snappin’ at ya man, totally not cool.”
Tch...it's alright, I'm chiller than Big Chill right now. Insult away.
“I’m a pretty chill guy, so no harm done. So, you gonna tell the Princesses now?”
“Well, based on some of this history you gave me, that still kinda hard to go through (it’s a lot to dump on a guy at one time), there’s some holiday called Nightmare Night coming up soon. Apparently, Luna is supposed to be coming to town that day, should be the perfect chance to show her that I’m alive. Hope I don’t make her cry, Lulu has always been a little sensitive.”
Oh man...if ever there were a way to make a woman cry for sure...it's seeing a loved one long since presumed dead alive and healthy again.
“Well, I’ll leave it to you, then. But...I’m fairly certain that she will cry, females usually tend to cry a lot when they see someone they thought lost, in my experience, at least.”
“I was afraid of that. This is not going to be fun at all. Man, haven’t been this depressed since I failed to find my only living relative back on Earth.”
“Cheer up, at least you get a second chance to be with your sisters, right? I hear absence is good for the soul...or was that absinthe?”
Hey, I got a positive reaction to that joke! Finally!
“You’re a pretty good guy, Umbra. Thanks for everything, and I’m gonna make this ProtoTool work to the best. I just hope that I can be of help after all this, I’ve let too many down before, so I can’t do it anymore. Heh, that rhymed.”
Oh my gods, it did. Holy shit, what.
“Hey, any help is good help...just don’t make too many stupid jokes...Auric and I have that covered already. By the way… Princess Twilight is outside the door, she was attracted to your girly screams of pain...and your unintelligible gibbering. Should I let her in?”
She's knocking pretty hard out there...'s getting pretty difficult to keep her out and block the sound.
“First off, do you want me to let out Rath? Second, I think I’ll just ignore her for now. She can wait until we’re done; it’s rude to not give your full attention to a guest.”
Tch; empty threats.
“Well said. Also, I doubt any of your Voices other than Voiceless could do even the slightest bit of harm to me...and I very much doubt that you want to destroy your landlady’s castle over a perceived slight to your manly pride.”
“Curse you Umbra. Curse you and your logic!”
Hah! I think I like this kid!
I smirked again...
“Wait...oh shit!”
“What?! Wassa matter?”
Nononononononononononononononononononononooooooooooooo please, pleas don't let me be like them now, please!
“Something I had hoped I’d never do. I’ve developed a physical tic...just like Auric and Teridax…”
“Let me guess, they never stop nodding?”
“Yep. And now I can’t seem to stop smirking...I don’t understand, this didn’t happen before...I wonder why it’s happened now?”
“Maybe it’s only because of certain people you meet. Maybe it means a sign of friendship”
Oh look, he wants me to shake his hand. Well, t'would be rude not to oblige.
“I highly doubt that, Teridax doesn’t like me at all...That aside, Time is of the essence, so I’ll leave now. Either I or Auric shall contact you when the final battle is about to occur. Until then, train and train well. Make sure all of your voices Understand the situation, lest I be forced to delete them from existence. Until next time, Ben.”
VWORPLE
Well that was fun...Time to get back to work...I think I hate my boss a little...
End Chapter 14
Arc 4: The Master; Chapter 2: It Begins...
Chapter 15 Alt Title: Boredom and a Call to Action
One of the few things that had always pissed me off about the Multiverse at large was the fact that there were so many goddamn factions in it that were only mildly aware of each other, and each thought they were the hottest shit on the silver platter.
...What? Nevermind. Case in point: the Universe Repair Squad. They are in charge of repairing any Universe that gets utterly wiped out... as long as there's still something to put back together. Sure, they do their job well, but they never read the memos that tell the Void denizens that 'this Universe is condemned' or something, then the SysAdmins, me... and the rest, have to blow it up again.
Then there's the Undertakers, a relatively new Squad that takes anything that has Void energy in it when it dies, and disposes of it in the Void... like Displaced... and the unlucky... like, REALLY unlucky SysAdmin... and... everything touched by the Void really. They're fine, but they never consult the SysAdmins and always accidentally glitch the systems whenever they grab a corpse. Thankfully, the systems are resilient and auto-repair almost immediately, but still... problems could be avoided through consultation and better communications.
"Ah, Christ, not again..."
Ah yes, the current situation: my subordinate, Syanka Smoke-Wisp, had recently destroyed a condemned Universe, but the Repairmen came and fixed it... so now I need to destroy it again, then wait for them to show up and then yell at them to read the GODDAMN MEMOS. Seriously, our headquarters are all in the same Void- Building at the 'center' of the Void, and Memos are always forwarded to the Holo-Billboards in front of every single establishment... and inside each 'recharge station' at the center of each Branch.
I just realized you may be wondering exactly what the Void as a whole looks like. Well. Imagine if you will a vast and sprawling metropolis, like New York City. That is also infinite. And also extends like a sphere instead of a flat plane. That is the Void. Each Building is a different Multiverse Branch, some big, some... less big. At the center is a large, formless building thing that contains the 'Origin Copy' of every last thing that has existed, exists currently, will exist, and will never exist. That, dear readers, is central HQ, home of the SysAdmins, the Repairmen, the Undertakers, the Tech Support Guys, the Shopkeepers' Guild, the Artificers' Guild (Ever see those creepy weapons dealers in videogames? They work with the shopkeepers a lot), the Programmers (they update the coding of the Void on occasion), the Powers That Be (The ones that tell us where and when to go... for really important things), the Fear Squad (Slenderman, Cthulhu, Boogeyman, etc), the Punishers (they take out anyone that threatens the entirety of the Void), and the Denizens (Basically anyone that learns to leave their Branch, but doesn't want to join a specified group... they just kinda... sit and do odd jobs really).
The Powers That Be are the top dogs, seconded by the SysAdmins. Then Tech Support, they handle the Branch Repairs when Admins are busy inside the Universes and such. Then Programmers, then Repairmen, then Undertakers, then Fear Squad, then Punishers, then Shopkeepers, then Artificers, then Denizens.
Thank gods I'm an Admin, else I'd have a lot more restrictions on my travel pass.
So, there I was, waiting for a Repairman to show up... bored out of my (metaphorical) skull, just waiting...
"Oh come on! I just rebuilt this thing!"
There he is.
"Serviser... a pleasure to see you again...."
"Ah... did we repair a condemned Universe again?"
"Yes... you really need to start reading the memos, y'know? They are posted constantly... and they're in bright, eye-catching neon, for chrissakes."
"Ah...heh...I'll just go tell my boss..."
Situation Cleared! +3 EXP!
That happens from time to time, depending on where I am in a specific Branch.
Gods... that was the last thing I needed to do today... let's just... waiiiit a minute... what's this?
"THE TIME HAS COME!"
Oh-h-h-h-h... Heheheheheh... AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
SO.
"I call now to those who have allied themselves to me! To all who have replied to me, to those I call friend! To my fellow Displaced who fight on the side of the light, I CALL TO YE! The time has come! To those that hold my Token, find a reflective surface which ye could walk through, and I shall guide thee!"
THE TIME IS HERE.
"And to Teridax, I tell ye this. Come to me. Fight me. The time has come for us to settle this. But know you this: The Golden Dawn shall ne'er fall before your League of Shadows! I have faith in those that ally themselves with me! I have faith in my friends, their power, and faith in the power I wield! Even a drop would be more than enough to send you into the Void Eternal for all eternity!"
IT'S TIME TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND KICK ASS!
AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM....
Arc 4: The Master; Chapter 3:Haha Cop-Out
Chapter 16 Alt Title: I Bet You Were Expecting a War, Huh?
Good evening, dear readers.
Yeah, no you ain't getting a war outta me.
One, I'm a very busy man/shadow/god/thing
Two, you really expect me to get involved between two assholes and their petty stalker-ish feud?
Three, I killed Teridax in 99% of the Universes he exists in. Except for the 'good' versions and the Prime one. The Prime version just got his ass beat with a hammer made of Cthulhu's reality warping left testicle third tentacle on the right.
Four, I locked Teridax into his Universe to rot for all eternity (Sorry Celly).
So instead, have me breaking the fourth wall and insulting a bunch of people:
Fate/Stay Pony
Turn Two: Golden Chalice
(Lancer’s P.O.V )
I look about at the small forest we’ve settled into. Archer really chose a nice place to settle us in. I breathe through my nose, and let the cool, clean air fill my lungs. Scratch that, Archer chose the BEST place for us to stay in. I leap up on top of a tree, and extend my hands out. I crick my neck, “Let’s see if I still got it in me…” I close my eyes, and focus my prana. I send out small, concentrated pulses of prana, almost like sonar. It begins pinging back to me, and I begin to see the structure of the leylines of the forest. “Bingo!” A wave of prana extends out from my body, and the leylines of prana in the earth begin warping and twisting into a shape best suited for me and my comrades. Around a kilometer out, the wave begins to slow, and stops. I groan as the prana from the surrounding landscape flows into me. This will certainly ease our stay here, and grant us the advantage we need. “Oi, Lancer!” I look down, and see Rider, staring back at me, hands on her hips, “Ya done yet?” I give her the ‘ok’ sign, and drop down to the earth. “Good. Breakfast’s ready.” She turns, and turns around. Okay, NO staring at the ass! Stop! BAD hormones! Stop- Hey, has her underwear always been that color black? “Keep staring and I’ll stare at you.” Right, looking away now! I look up to the air, whistling away innocently. Caster pokes her head out from the hole in the earth we call home, “Bacon! We got bacon!” I’m at the table before she can finish her second sentence. “... Wow.” “Not now, fox lady. Must have bacon.” I grab my fork and knife, and put on my best ‘Hannibal Lector’ face. “Hey, what’s this?” Saber crouches down, and picks up a… is that a cell phone? “Is… is it real?” Archer leans over Saber’s shoulder, as she presses the ‘power’ button. In that instant, darkness flooded the room.“THOU HAST SUMMONED THE GREAT AND POWERFUL, THE ONE AND ONLY, THE MOST AMAZING, THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND: UMBRA. MOTHERFUCKING. SHADOW-WALKER!!! EAT YOUR HEART OUT GILGY! READ IT AND WEEP! THINK I AM!?” Oh, great. We’ve got ourselves the Anti-Spiral shooting off Kamina’s catchphrase. What next, he’s gonna give us all a bunch of fighting robots? On second thought, that’d be pretty fucking sweet right about now… “I heard that thought, Lancer-kun. No, you’re not getting Gundams, no matter how awesome it’d be” Archer steps forwards, manifesting Bakuya and levelling it, “Names only tell us so much, old sport. A full description of who you are, how you fit into a cell phone, and what the hell you want would be so very much appreciated right now.” The shadow manifests Kanshou and levels it back at Archer, forming into an all black duplicate of him, “Now now, Emiya-kun, I’ll tell you all in a moment. But first I need to do… THIS!” A snap of the fingers and the world distorts into… Holy guacamole...
Haha, bitches, Umbra speaking. That’s right. I forced this story into THIRD PERSON, MOTHERFUCKERS!
God, DAMNIT, man! We can’t DO this! I can barely write as is, and now you’re really gonna pull THIS?
Yup. Don’t worry, Swimmy-kun, Jsyie-kun will guide you through the steps.
No. Just… My brother already blares this every chance he gets… Why, god, why?
Fiiiiiine.
(3rd Person… Because Umbra says so )
“Alright, Servants, this is Master speaking, so listen up. (Metaphorically Master, I mean) My name, as stated, is Umbra Shadow-Walker. ‘Motherfucker’ optional, but sometimes appreciated. my job is to police and fix the Multiverse as a whole as a sort of… Systems Administrator. That being said, cross me and you’ll find out exactly what it feels like to be disintegrated down to the subatomic level from the inside out.”
Caster winces, “Yikes… So… what is this place? I… kinda can’t see anything…” She nervously clutches her tail, and squats, while Assassin wordlessly draws her daggers.
“Eh?” Umbra looks around, noticing the darkness. “Oh, whoops. We’re.. uh… we’re inside of me, actually. First time being summoned using the phone… not exactly used to the feeling.” He snaps again, flipping the world inside out and releasing everyone back into the real world once more.
“... We were… just inside of something that looks like Slenderman’s racial counterpart… I feel like I need a shower…” Rider shivers, and rubs her forehead.
“Done.” And then suddenly a firehose, blasting Rider with over 20,000 psi of soapy, warm water. “Now, disparaging remarks aside, any questions?”
Lancer takes his spear out, plants it in the dirt, and leans against it, “Yeah… Got any more exotic foods for us? Sorry to sound like a bum, but… We’re kinda wanted fugitives… And we barely made it out of Canterlot with enough supplies to last us the month. Maybe. If we ration.” The audible grumbling of Berserker’s stomach only enforces his comrade’s declaration of poverty.
“No no, by all means, ask for anything. Here, this will help.” The shadow man flickers in place and is replaced by a massive storefront, one much too large to realistically fit in the Servants’ makeshift camp. The shadow then walks around the back of the store and into sight, despite the front being embedded into a wall.
Caster gasps, “Woah… this is amazing… My Area Creation couldn’t possibly do this… Awesome…”
“One of the many perks of 99.999(repeating)% omnipotence, Tamamo-chan. So, all, welcome to Umbra’s Emporium of Anything and Everything, where one may find, literally, anything your mind can or can’t imagine. Yes, Tamamo-chan, that includes spaghetti with your grandma’s special tomato sauce.” The now-audible drooling that filled the store confirmed Umbra’s claim.
“You’re my new best friend, Umbry!” She proceeds to leap onto the shadow, and give him marshmallow hell. Berserker growls in response, and his helmet slit glows red.
“Hey, hey! Calm down, buddy!” Lancer and Archer grab at the titan, and hold him back as he tries to advance to the System Administrator.
“Ara ara? What’s all this rage, Lancelot-kun? Bad Yakan-chan, I’m asexual, ya know?” The shadow is now poking out of the smoky mist surrounding Berserker, leaving Caster hanging onto a massive bowl of spaghetti.
“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!” She proceeds to dive headfirst into the bowl, and the sound of rabid devouring echoes through the storehouse.
“Okay… we’re not gonna get charged for that, are we?” Archer points at the bowl, while looking to Umbra with a raised eyebrow.
“Naahh. It’s cool. Far be it from in my pitch black, soulless self to charge a group of penniless fugitives any more than a favor or… two… three… one favor per item bought…”
“Well… ya got any swords? I was thinking of maybe getting one or two in case I run out of prana to project with.” Archer shrugs, generating several swords, and making them dissipate, to prove his point.
The shadow acquires a distinctly vulpine, glowing grin, now appearing as a stylized fox shadow, curling around Archer’s neck like some sort of demented scarf, “My dear Emiya-kun, you didn’t just ask what I thought you asked did you? Oh… you did. Good for you, mein freund. I have exactly what you need.”
“Oh, do you? That’s good… That’s… great, honestly. What kinda weapon you have in mind? I can work with any blade. Kinda… heh, kinda used them all at one point. Short swords, arming swords, longswords, katanas, greatswords, heck, even got a few axes and hammers.”
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Also stuff that isn’t even covered. Like this bad boy, for instance.”
The shadow is now in front of the whole group, waving around what is recognizably one of the most dangerous weapons in all of the Nasuverse.
“Ea: Sword of Rupture. Yes, no?”
“Er… no. As awesome as that is, I’d rather not have that be the weapon I swing around first entering a battle. Anything more… I dunno… basic?” Archer shrugs, and pushes the weapon away.
“Well then, feel free to browse, Emiya-kun. But be warned, I know exactly how that little tracing ability of yours works, CopyPaste-san. Don’t even try to sneak it past me. I can and will bill you for anything you Trace. And I know exactly what you trace. I canread your soul like aBOOK. ”
“... Damnit…” Archer mutters, and snaps his fingers. “Well, so much for pulling a fast one. Gotta give a man credit for trying, old sport.”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Better than you have tried to pull a fast one on me and failed. You may pay what you like…. but one always pays the reaper.”
“... Okay, Saber? You mind fetching me a sword? We both know you know what’ll work for me.” Archer turns to the blonde, who smirks.
“Sure thing, ‘old sport’.” She pecks his cheek, and walks off.
“Er… that’s not the sword section, Saber-kun…” Umbra raises his hand hesitantly, “Ah, you may want to refer to your map. You nearly walked into the… ahem… ‘Adults Only’ section.”
“Oh... Wait, what map?” Saber looks about her person, before noticing a map tied to her waist. The other Servants look around, and see that they, too, have matching maps.
“When’d these get here? Ah, screw it.” Saber reaches for the parchment, and unfurls it, only to find that the guide stretches… all the way to the floor. It rolls, and keeps rolling, until it reaches Berserker’s feet. The colossal armor-clad Servant grunts, barely registering the impact of the paper.
“Uhm… This… may be a while…” Saber stammers, trying to overlook the paper, and find the ‘you are here’ marker.
“Uh… can we get these in… I dunno… a more compact shape?”
“Maybe…. but good luck finding your way.” The shadow smirks insufferably before reclining in midair, “Ah what the hell, I’ll give you one. Everyone gets one , after all.” He snaps once more before massive glowing arrows appear, pointing in a different direction for each Servant. “Go on, go on. Follow the arrows and all that. Mind the volatile substances in some areas, blah blah blah.”
“Thanks…” Archer looks over his, and immediately heads over to the literature section.
“Hmm?” Caster crawls out from the giant bowl, “Shomebody shay shometing?”
Lancer chuckles, “Look on your map, Caster. You can find canned versions of this stuff. I just hope you’ve got something to pay for it all with.”
“He’s got even MORE of this stuff? Oh, BOY!” Caster leaps into the air, and disappears in a flash of prana.
“Hmph.” Rider smirks, and promptly, tears open her own neck. The blood flows, and from it, the Pegasus forms, whinnying triumphantly.
“Oi oi, you’re getting blood all over my nice, clean floors, Medusa-chan.”
“Trust me, her blood is the least of your worries concerning that animal, old sport.” Archer’s voice echoes through the halls, having recognized the prana signature of the winged steed. “Stupid fucking animal… pissing all over everything…”
“Whatever. He won’t do anything.” Rider climbs aboard the steed, and it gallops into the air, towards the eyewear section.
“Uhm… What should I get… let’s see… what can we use as money in the first place…” Lancer begins pacing along the floor, nervously trying to come up with some form of compensation for the shadowy form.
“Now now, Vladdy. I already told you… I’m dealing with you seven… inFavors. ” The way the shadow man drapes over Lancer’s shoulders causes him to shiver, even more so when he hears the wording.
“Pfffft. Y’shoulda seen the look on your face. Nah, it’s nothing too bad. Break this, retrieve that, make me a sandwich. Stuff like that. Easy. I’m asexual, remember?”
“Huh… Maybe Archer could’ve gone through the sword section after all…” Lancer rubs his chin slowly.
“Yes, but depending on how many swords he saw, you’d end up owing me a whole lot of favors. Six trillion at the least.”
“Yeesh… Wait… Hey, Assassin, you want anything?”
The little one shakes her head, “Want coat… it’s cold…” Lancer sighs, and the vampiric mass murdering tyrant king takes the loli serial killer by the hand, towards the clothing section.
“Well there’s something you don’t see every day… unless you’re me.”
“Shove it, shadow man.” Lancer huffs as he and his comrade disappear around the corner.
“Archer? Hey, Archer! I got you what ya wanted! And no, not ‘that’! The OTHER thing you wanted!”
“Saber? Where are you? Hello?” Umbra is briefly greeted with a Scooby-Doo scenario , where the two run back and forth through the aisles before him, calling for each other repeatedly, only to run past the other.
Berserker grunts, walks forwards, and grabs Saber by the collar. When Archer runs back, with a large multitude of books in his hand, Berserker grabs the swordsman, and holds him up.
“Heh… found you.” Archer receives a slap on the shoulder for his troubles.
“Tough love, again?” Lancer and Assassin step out, now carrying multiple cloaks, suits, and vests. And trousers.
“You got everything you need?” Rider flies down on Pegasus, with a casing for glasses.
“Yep!” Caster warps in again, now with an armful of canned spaghetti, with several jars of what can be assumed to be her grandmother's ‘special tomato sauce’.
“Okay… What’s our total?” Archer holds his books out, and they, along with the other items the Servants found, levitate into the air as the System Admin overlooks them.
“Considering the amount of crap you gathered, I’m thinkin’... ‘bout…. lesse… seventy five favors, redeemable at any time. Plus first timer’s discount and that brings it to a good sixty nine favors. And since I’m not a total asshole… and the fact that I hate unintentional sex jokes, let’s skip all that and say an even forty nine. Seven for each of you. That means that I get to ask you seven to do something for me at any time I want. Seven times.”
“... Just don’t be an asshole about the timing, and we’ll have no complaints.” Archer shrugs, and the others more or less do the same.
Saber slings her arm over Umbra’s shoulder, “Hey, I gotta ask you something… If you’re operating the whole universe and whatnot… Mind telling us how the hell we wound up in cartoon horse world?”
Rider stomps her foot, “It’s called ‘Friendship is Magic’, and it’s one of the best cartoons of the 21st century!”
Everyone else basically plants their heads in their palms in response. Umbra, meanwhile, sneaks Rider a quiet thumbs-up.
“Well, Nero-kun, you all ended up in Equestria due to, presumably, the asshole actions of an Extradimensional Being known as ‘The Merchant’. Or, as I like to call him, ‘Lucy’. Presumably, you all were in cosplay at the time?”
“... More or less…” Archer looks away, whistling, while Saber rubs the small of her back, blushing.
Lancer laughs, “Trust me, it was a one-time thing. I wouldn’t let my sister have done something like that had I known it was going on…” He looks to Saber, who blushes harder, now even more red than her own dress.
“Honestly, if you didn’t want people to see it, you wouldn’t have that dress on, Nero-chan. Perhaps a quick costume change to Arturia-chan would suit you modesty more?”
“... I’m not all that ‘ashamed’ or anything… just…” She then proceeds to deliver a left hook that a certain blue-wearing racing bounty hunter would salute at. Right to Archer’s cheek. As the warrior lays on the ground, Caster giggles.
“He knows her weak spots.”
“I’LL KILL YOU, TOO!”
“AHEM.
“IF we are done, I think I’ll go back to explaining. Now, presumably you all bought something from some creepy bastard at a convention. Next thing you know, you’re all in Equestria.”
Berserker nods, and releases a grunt, and the others nod. “Yeah, that’s about it.” Archer holds out one hand and grabs one of the books floating in air.
“This means that you’re part of a select group of individuals known as the Displaced. Humans affected by the Merchant and torn from Earth (Or wherever they’re from) and placed into, usually, Equestria with powers they did not have before (Usually). Now, there’s hundreds of humans like this, each of them with a Token, an object that allows one to summon said humans for aid. I myself was a Displaced that got lucky enough to ascend to literal godhood. My Token is that oh so special smartphone that you found. And yes, it does everything a smartphone should and more, despite this being a Universe with no sources of wifi for light years around.”
“Not even gonna question the talking shadow at this point. So, can we contact other Displaced?”
“Not really, not unless they also have cellphones… which most don’t, despite, y’know, BEING SENT TO EQUESTRIA WITH EVERYTHING THEY HAD ON THEM AT THE TIME WHILE ALSO BEING IN FULL COSTUME. It’s like the portal hates cellphones specifically. Anyway, don’t be surprised if one of you gets a text from me. Actually….” The shadow snaps once again, and one phone becomes seven. “There, each of you can now have your very own smartphone with all the data you ever had on Earth stacked in there as well. Fun fact, yes, the phones also work as computers, but I’ll leave you all to figure that out.”
“Okay… So, what about that bass?” In that instant, the entire storehouse’s speakers begin blaring the most odd and confusing remix to ever grace Umbra's ears .
“NO TREBLE!
“MY EARS!” Archer grabs his ears, his eyes becoming bloodshot, and his face contorting in pain.
“WHAT?” Saber turns to him, eye twitching as she tries to muffle her ears.
“WHAT?” Archer turns back, and stares at his girlfriend.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“I KNOW YOUR EARS ARE PRETTY, WHAT ABOUT IT?”
“WHAT?”
“YOU WANT A HAT?”
“YOU’RE A BAT?”
“WE’RE NOT GETTING A CAT!”
“YOUR FRIEND’S NAME IS PAT?”
“If you two are quite done, the song ended nearly thirty seconds ago. I also took the liberty of repairing your ears. Anyway, never speak that phrase in here again. The results are often… messy.”
“Okay… So… anything else about the Displaced we should know of? Any friends, enemies, neutrals? Is there any Wile E Coyotes?”
“Well, never trust anything that looks or feels really ominous… If it’s a throwing knife, you’ll get an Assassin that could probably work as an Archer, a blue chunk of bone summons a Berserker type entity… oh, right, I’m translating the terms into Servant classes so you know what you’re getting into. If you get a Plumber’s Badge (Ben 10, you guys remember that, right?) it probably won’t work, but it’d be a Caster class. Don’t use the broken dagger; that guy’s going through some shit right now. A flawless diamond would bring in a Caster with gravity powers… lotta Caster class Displaced out there… so many powers that fit under Caster… so weird. Anyway, well, let’s just say that there’s a lot of Displaced, and really, the only way to tell if they’re friendly or not is to summon them.”
“Huh… That’s interesting… Should be simple enough, right? Now… what about our own Token? Do we need to do some crazy complicated long-ass side quest or some other kinda bullshit?” Lancer plants his spear into the ground, and leans against it, twirling about one of the many hats on his finger.
Umbra dares chuckle, “No no, nothing of the sort. Everyone, find something that means something to you, probably something relating to your abilities.”
“... Something tells me that you just saved us a LOT of unneeded time and effort. It can’t be that hard to find something related to us, right?” Caster looks around, chuckling.
In that instant, a large, golden cup fell off of one of the titanic shelves, and bounced off of her head.
“....That’d do, though I’m not sure you want something that ostentatious or large. Most Tokens are small enough to carry around easily.”
As if to prove its owner wrong, the golden Grail suddenly shrunk, to the size of a wine glass. If one could talk to inanimate objects (which Umbra can), one can hear it smugly laughing at its owner. Bad decision, in hindsight.
“Shut up you stupid cup. Don’t make me fill you with the liquefied contents of Tumblr’s databanks.”
If one can talk to inanimate objects, one can hear the Grail whimpering in absolute fear.
“So… can we keep it?”
“Technically no. You can have an inert version of the Grail… though the actual Token will be sent out into the Void and spread throughout all of existence. Now, all of you, grab the cup and think of something to encourage someone to summon you. A phrase that says you’ll help them usually works. Also include some sort of boast, since that’s how it works, apparently.”
“Okay… let’s try it…” The seven reach out, and place their hands on the Grail, which widens to fit all of them.
“To those who require the aid of a great warrior… ” Archer begins, with the image of gears and blades dancing about in the Grail’s insides.
“To those who are in need of assistance great or small… ” Saber continues, with the Grail’s interior now bearing a large concert house, filled with rose petals.
“To those who need a friend, or a face to listen… ” Lancer sighs, and the Grail is filled with a large series of stone spikes, with a pair of red eyes menacingly floating above them.
“To those who lay in fear of their surroundings… ” Assassin chants, with the Grail generating a steady mist.
“To those among the stars, who seek adventure, yet do not wish to be alone… ” Rider grimaces, as the Grail shows a large crimson sphere, with lightning sparking from it.
“To those who wish for companionship, in all its forms… ” Caster smiles, as the Grail is filled with a bright light.
“To those… who need… power… beyond measure… ” Berserker growls, and the Grail emits a deep shadow.
“Speak the incantation, and call forth a Heroic Spirit of old! So says we, Servants of the Grail! ” The seven conclude together, as the Grail fills the air with a brilliant shine. The Grail sends forth a burst of energy, which pierces straight through the roof of the storehouse, much to Umbra’s dismay.
“.... Well then. Thank god I can fix that…. You do realize that means you now owe me fifty six favors total, yes?”
“Ah, go soak yer head.” Archer bleats out, and Saber pulls him down to her height, smooching him on the cheek.
“No, you soak yours. In gasoline.” So Umbra wills it, so it shall be. Archer finds himself now soaked in gasoline as the entire Emporium begins lighting on fire, flames racing towards him at frightening speeds.
“Meh.”
“Oh, sorry. I meant NITROGLYCERIN MIXED WITH NAPALM AND GREEK FIRE.” The flames speed up and turn black. “Oh, and a little bit of AMATERASU!”
“... Trace On. Yukianesa.” Archer waves his hand, and a katana handle, lacking a blade, forms. With a single swipe, it creates a large wall of ice that unfortunately does nothing to stop the flames. Fortunately for Archer, the flames do not reach him, merely forming a large circle around him.
“So… Is this how you get your kicks? Not trying to sound like a whiny little prick, but I am NOT a big fan of fires… Brings back some bad memories…” Archer clambers back, while his friends look around cautiously at the ring of flame.
“No, this is me being a dick. Sorry, with me seeing every last point of my infinite existence and every last point of my alternate (Also infinite) existences, things get… weird.” The flames die out and Archer now finds himself holding a large bastard sword that feels curiously light.
“As an apology, I’ll throw in this Fusion Sword as a gift. So, y’know, you actually have like… seven swords in case of an emergency. Don’t worry, the shoulder strap is a bag of holding so you don’t actually have to lug around a massive chunk of sharpened metal.”
“Well… thanks, I suppose…” Archer sheathes the enormous blade on his shoulder, and grabs at the longsword Saber got him. “Hmm… Nice choice, old sport. Decently made fuller, not too heavy a pommel, and a very refined edge…”
“Good to know I still haven’t lost my touch in blades after a millenium as Snoop Dogg.”
Lancer bitterly stares at his sister, “I get it. I’m not laughing, but I get it.”
Umbra stares as well, “Boo. That’s worse than the sentient pile of weed that looks and acts like Snoop Dogg.”
“Wait, that exists? What next? Is the Snoop Lion somewhere out there, too?”
“Well….” The shadow smirks suddenly, and a most curious smell fills the room as Saber is somehow fitted into a lion costume. “Since you spent a millennium as Snoop Dogg…”
“Nice one, old sport! HAH!” Archer laughs, and slaps his knee, falling onto the floor, chortling loudly.
“What’s going on? Wait, gimme a minute…” Rider turns around, and removes her mask, before putting on the glasses in the case. When she turns about, she, too, bursts into laughter.
Lancer scoffs, “I’m honestly not impressed. Of all the jokes you could’ve made… I know you’ve got a billion better ones in your inventory, Umbra. Or has seeing all of reality dulled your sense of humor?”
“.... You cannot possibly comprehend my sense of humor, Vlad. For example, I would find it extremely humorous to lock all of your abilities and reduce to normal human level… and then toss you into the female lead role of 50 Shades of Gray. Would you like me to do so?”
In response to that, Lancer screamed like a little girl, and proceeded to bolt up to the top of a shelf, “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”
“You’re Vlad the Impaler. The Legend of Dracula Noble Phantasm turns you undead. And I’m a physical god. So…. piss me off and I’ll have one of your favors be as such, Lancer-kun.”
Much to everyone’s surprise, Lancer instantly clears the distance between himself and the shadow, with his spear aimed straight at Umbra’s throat, “I don’t care how powerful you are. Mention that again, and I will gut you like a pig , do you hear me!?” His eyes radiate cold, hard killing intent.
“Er… bro, don’t… don’t do anything stupid, ya hear?” Saber cautiously summons Aestus Estus, and cautiously aims it at Umbra, though more for self-defense than anything.
“Did you lot know that I can summon a 6,000,000,000,000X power Enuma Elish at will with a lag time in the negatives? That means it appears before I summoned it. That’s right, I can pull of Gae Bolg with ENUMA ELISH. Still wanna threaten me?”
Lancer snarls, “I don’t care. You don’t ever bring up how I can become one of those… things ! You understand?”
“Oh I UNDERSTAND You
One could feel the massive, unending madness that followed the sheer presence of the oddly green colored, all caps word.
But Lancer’s will doesn’t falter, “I don’t CARE! DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! I’M NOT A MONSTER! I’M NOT SOME UNDEAD… THING!” Lancer screams, and jabs at the System Administrator, only to be graced with thin air. Correction: viscous black shadow-flesh that pulls the spear from Lancer’s grip and absorbs it into Umbra’s body with nary a sound. The shadow man then pushes Lancer away and re-manifests the spear, now pointed directly at Lancer.
Directly at Lancer’s bait and tackle, to be exact.
“Grr… Just… Gah…” Lancer releases his tense muscles, and slinks into the ground. “I… I-I-I’m really sorry… I just… I just really, REALLY don’t like anything related to Dead Apostles… or any breed of undead for that matter… It’s just… I’m sorry…” He shakes his head, placing it in his hands.
“Lancer!” Saber runs over to her brother’s side, and drops to her knees, “Just… just calm down! See, he’s sorry! Please don’t hurt him!” Saber closely hugs her brother, and he sighs in response.
“Yare yare dazou…. Look at me, I meet a bunch of new people and I end up acting like a total dick to them. No, I’m sorry. This is no way for a SysAdmin to act… okay, actually the vast majority of us are capricious assholes, but I hold myself to a higher standard. I hope we can still be… friends?”
Lancer grins, and rises to his feet, slapping Umbra’s open palm, turning it into a handshake, “Okay. Friends.” He smiles, and takes back his lance.
Caster, now sitting on Berserker’s shoulder, giggles, “Well, if all the shooting and death threats are done with, who wants coffee?”
“Well, I don’t drink much, but I could go for some right now, I have a great setup in my office. If you would follow me?” The shadow walks off, dissipating and revealing an extraordinarily pale human with long black hair in a thin braid that goes down to his ankles. He turns around and reveals his eyes, pitch black irises with a faint glow, and asks, “You coming?”
“Fucking Anti-Spiral…” Lancer mutters as he and his allies march behind the System Administrator.
“The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!” Caster points at Umbra, and Berserker begrudgingly follows, stomping as he slowly trods along behind his friends.
“So… what other Displaced do you know about?” Saber looks to Umbra as the lot of them sip at their coffee.
“Well… I know of all of them, but some don’t really do much. Uh… let’s see… There’s a Ben 10 Displaced, but he’s kinda a dick and he hates humans. There’s his sister, Kat Shifter, she does gravity manipulation and is also kinda a bitch sometimes. She’s getting better though. There’s… it’s a bit of a niche thing, but who here knows what an SCP is?”
Saber shoots her hand up, “I do! I do! I do!” Archer rubs his temples.
“Please, don’t bring that up. She keeps going on about that stuff… I couldn’t even sleep after hearing about that coffee machine one… Or the Gary Stu…”
“Remember 682, Saber-chan?”
“HE WAS AWESOME! Y’know, I kept telling Archie here…” At that, she grabs Archer’s ear and tugs hard, “To get us a gator… But he kept saying ‘no way!’ and ‘I’m so scared of those things!’ Sometimes I wonder why I spend all of my time with a wimp like this one!”
Lancer strokes his forehead, “This is an average occurrence for us, by the way…”
“Well, there’s a 682 Displaced with a human form. Sad thing is, he lost his incurable bloodlust for all things organic and shoved it into an alternate personality that makes up half of his mental defenses. Which, unfortunately, are pathetically weak. Motherfucker keeps getting mind controlled.”
Saber rolls her eyes, “Meh… At least he didn’t have it as bad as us. We’re controlled against our will, and we have to watch everything that they make us do…”
“Eh, well, at least you can kill your summoners if they don’t have fast enough reaction times. Now, to keep going… There’s… Gilgamesh from Final Fantasy. He’s a Pinkie Pie level lunatic with a battlelust like Khorne… except less to the death and more like “worthy challenge”. There’s also Auric Fulcrum. He’s alright. A bit of a hero complex that can’t take a win as a win even when I offered to help him kick another Displaced’s ass with a hammer the size of six galaxies. Oh, and his mortal nemesis, Makuta Teridax. A creepy Orochimaru-styled stalker asshole with an Auric-fetish. And also has delusions of grandeur. Brace yourselves, Servants. I’m gonna go on a rant for… every other Displaced now.
There’s a fuckton of Overlords in various Equestria. Most of them are cookie cutter assholes. There’s an Overlady that shares my name but not my power or position, but she’s… eh. She’s one girl among like… five guys with the same powers. The only one of note is Dominus, the only one with a name worth remembering. He’s actually okay-ish now, but he used to be a rank asshole that slaughtered ponies for fun. The Lutece twins. Don’t trust them. Creepy fuckers they are.Ghost Rider. You could sorta trust his boney ass. I guess. Unless he does the Penance Stare. Then you’re all fucked.Dante and Vergil, sons of Sparda… goddamn. Just… Dante is an ass. Vergil is an ass. Both are ponies.Typhon, also known as John Egbert. Master of the winds and the skies. Sorta nice, but he’s got shit to work through. So… yeah. He’s cool, but don’t try summoning him for a while. The Boogeyman. Angsty motherfucker who needs people to believe in him lest he die. Probably not a good idea to summon him because nobody believes in him here.There’s a motherfucking REAPER out there somewhere. Who is kinda crazy since he shares a mind with the actual Reaper. Yes, I mean the giant robo-cuttlefish Reapers. The designers did a terrible job on those asshats.There’s Nemesis from Resident Evil, he’s a growly asshat with a rocket launcher and his home problems tend to follow him through the portals. Be prepared for viruses and mutants if you summon the seven foot tall, be-tentacled mass of necrotic flesh and mutated genetics.Nicholas, or as he is sometimes known, Michael Faraday. Time manipulator. Slow it, speed it, stop it, restart it. Nick is friendly, but stupid sometimes. Mike is an asshat, plain and simple. And is somehow even dumber.Darth Vulcan. Mega asshat sith lord. That is all.Wade the Animorph. Kinda weird and sorta… underpowered, really. One shapeshift at a time, less than an hour per shape, takes minutes to change. Ugh. Any one of you could pop his head off in less than a second. Some Displaced could do it in even less. Even if he’s not in his human form.Xante the Lich. He of many useless, stupid titles. Rainbow magic and insanity. Kill on sight. If he doesn’t die, kill him again and again and again until he leaves.The RED Spy. Sic Assassin on him. Not even invisibility and disguises can match a Servant. And he’s woefully human.Ryu from Breath of Fire. Hero complex. Antisocial, kinda long winded and talky. Like a typical anime character, really.Sly Cooper. Do not trust around valuables. Do not trust in general. In fact, kick him out as soon as you notice things going missing. Preferably with a good old fashioned Caladbolg II arrow.Ral Zarek from Magic: The Gathering. Scientist. Probably shouldn’t trust.Vaas Montenegro. Kill on sight. Insane motherfucker should be dealt with as hard and as fast as physically possible. Insult like no tomorrow. Tobi and Yoshimitsu: Two idiots on a multi-dimensional roadtrip. Basically unkillable unless you can lock them to a single point in spacetime. Fucking Izanagi. Best to just leave them be and/or punch in the nuts.Robin of Fire Emblem. Idiot mage. A little enthusiastic about learning new stuff. Grab a spell tome, shove it in his arms and punt him out. He’ll fly. Trust me.Fucking. Saber. Alter . Saber-chan, you may end up in a bitch fight if she ever shows up. Archer-kun, you might need to break them up if it happens.-”
“Wait, a catfight? With Saber? That’s… AWESO-” SMACK “OUCH!”
“Quite. Ahem.
Patapon. I don’t know either. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.Pyramid Head. RUN. Run and throw high powered attacks behind you. On second thought, don’t. That’ll aggravate him. Just run, and get as far behind cover as logically possible.Harry Dresden. Snarky asshole. Kick in groin if too annoying.Malthael of Diablo III. Never gonna show up. He’s too busy staying put in Sweet Apple Acres to get up off his lazy ass and be more of an asshole.Isaac Donohue. Power Lottery fucker. Do not show him your powers. Actually, just sneak attack him and cut him out of your reality as fast as possible. Trust me, you don’t want a fucking ‘angel’ prettying up your world any longer than necessary.A Titan guy from… Destiny? I think? I dunno. Equestria’s guardian, killer of space monsters, power armor, yadda yadda, boring boring boring.A fuck ton of Summoners. Don’t ask. Remove as fast as possible.Puppet Master. ASS. HOLE. Supervillain. If found, please kill.SkekUng of the Griffons. UGLY ass motherfucker. Looks like roadkill mixed with a geriatric griffon. Kill on sight. Because he’s suffered way, way too much to not deserve a mercy kill.
“Duly noted.”
“Quite.
Shade the Ectonurite. Okay, I guess. Just a creepy ass motherfucker.Alice from Madness Returns. CRAY. ZEE. BITCH. I could go on for days.”
Archer holds up his hand, “Okay, we get it. There are a LOT of Displaced. So, what’re the ones we should REALLY look out for?”
“Lesse… Auric, Teridax, Vaas, Alice, Pyramid Head, Ben, Kat, Gilgamesh, and another Omnitrix wielder named Jason. You should also watch out for 682 and teleporter named Crow. Oh, and me, but whatever. There’s others, but those guys are the most prominent, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Interesting… very interesting… We’ll have to keep those names in mind…” Lancer nods, and looks to Rider, who has been keeping track with a notepad and a pen.
“Got ‘em.”
Archer stands, and stretches his back, “Ooh… Yeah, thanks a lot for what you’ve done, Umbra. Can’t thank you enough. Honestly, I really can’t.” He holds out his hand, offering it to the System Administrator.
Umbra takes it and gives it a firm shake. “You’re welcome, you guys. And hey, next time you’re here you can get the Friend Discount, which drops the prices to really affordable. So, I’ll see you guys around for those favors?”
Caster laughs, “Well, as long as you’ve got more of that spaghetti, we’ll be just fine.”
“We are NOT living entirely off of spaghetti.”
“Bite me, tracer boy.”
“Hold still, and I’ll get us a new rug, fox!” Archer leaps at Caster, with an unnamed dagger in hand.
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! NEVA!” Caster warps away, laughing as her friend chases after her.
“Come back here!”
Umbra hides a smirk behind his hand and snaps his other .
“HAH!” Caster jumps over Archer’s swipe, and lands on his head, “Missed me, missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!” She promptly flips him the bird, then leaps into the air.
“Ugh… so stupid…” Saber rubs the bridge of her nose, “I’ll get him for this later… You should go now, before they wreck any more of your stuff…” A loud rattling immediately follows her sentence, hinting once again at the Root’s taste for universal irony.
“Welp. There goes the… oh dear.” Umbra immediately runs out of the room and back into the shop. “GET OUT OF THERE! THAT’S THE ADULTS ONLY SECTION! AND NOT THE SAFE PART EITHER!”
Since the Root’s authority clearly overrides Umbra’s, his protests are drowned out by the crashing of several shelves, thus beginning a domino effect.
“Oh son of a bitch. That’s it. Wrapping operations up. WE ARE NOW CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!” In that instant, the entire shop disappears, leaving an airborne Archer and Caster, with Archer, for some reason, with a long rope of leather wrapped about his throat.
“Oof!” The two hit the ground, and as Archer tries to pull himself up, “GACK!” He finds Saber tugging on the leather.
“Why… did you think it’d be a good idea to do that?”
“Uhm… because I assumed that Umbra, a System Administrator who can see all of spacetime, would’ve predicted what I was gonna do- GYAGH!” His words do little to calm Saber, who only tightens the grip.
“Of course I saw it. I just let it happen because why not. Archer, be thankful that that leash came from the safer section of the Adults Only area. There are a lot of things in the unsafe section that you almost wound up activating. Tentacles in a jar being one of the tamest examples.”
At that remark, Saber turns, “Uhm… Okay, let’s just leave it at that…” She promptly releases the rope, which Umbra consumes in a small burst of shadow.
“Right, well. Duty calls and all. It’s been fun you guys, but I must depart. TTFN.” The shadow, now back in his proper form, leaps up and back, disappearing in a swirl of shadow and an oddly lingering chuckle. Without it, the world collapses back to its original state of First Person narration.
(Archer’s P.O.V )
“Well… he was… a fun guy…” By the Root, I am SO GLAD Saber’s not into the whole ‘dominatrix’ thing… She’s got a REALLY tight grip… I try my best to raise to my feet, “Whoo… Yeah… That happened… Now what?”
Caster looks to the Grail, “Well… I guess now we just wait to be summoned… Hey, what’s that?” She notices an odd glowing light inside of the Grail, and- oh, for crying out loud- she pokes it.
“(&)UISTIHHJGjXMHSIJKTuISYUYUJHUYIOKJHUIHGUIJKHUIJKK” Caster promptly… has a seizure, I’m guessing, that or there’s some new age dance form that involves foaming and wiggling on the ground.
“Uhh… Yo, Caster? You ah… you alright?”
“Uh… Depends… can anyone else see the orange dancing penguin on the roof?” Everyone looks up, then back to her, “Nope.”
“Okay, then I’m not alright…” She sits up, still holding her head, and shakes her head some like, well, a fox.
“Whoo… I think… I think the Grail talked to me… It… I think it told me… how summoning works…”
“Wot.” That’s generally the only reply that I can throw out at the moment. Apparently, the Holy Grail talks. And it communicates via seizures.
“It said… being summoned… for us… It’s like how it works normally… in Fate/Stay Night… And whoever gets us… They get Command Sigils…” The entire room drops twenty degrees.
“You mean… they can order us?”
Saber places a hand on my shoulder, “Hey. The Displaced aren’t like those guys from before. They won’t tell us to do those things. It’s alright… Calm down, Archer…”
My chest heaves as I try to calm myself.
“And… and if we’re summoned… We can die… and just come back here…” Well… that makes things somewhat easier.
“Sounds like Dark Souls.” Lancer smirks, leaning against the table, with a cup of coffee still in his hand.
“Yeah… it does, doesn’t it?” Rider shakes her head, “This day just gets weirder and weirder…”
“Well, at least now we’ve got something to pass the time with. So… now we just have to play the waiting game…”
…
“Screw this, the waiting game sucks! Who wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippo?”
“We don’t have Hungry Hungry Hippo.”
“Phooey. Now I’m really bored…” I look down at the ground, sighing. Why must this be so Root-damnably BORING? WHY?
“Hey, Archer…” I see Saber leaning forwards, and picking up… a green jar?
“What is it, Saber?”
“I found this on the ground… Think Umbra might’ve dropped it?” Wait, do NOT open that!
“No, no, no, no, wait!” Too late. The moment the lid goes ‘pop’, a large, green, flexible tendril larger than what should theoretically fit through the opening lunges out, and slaps everyone to the side.
“GAH! God DAMNIT, Umbra!” I recover from my daze to find… Oh, my . The tendril, and three of its identical brethren, are now holding our four femme fatales by the heels. Upside down. Saber’s wearing a dress. Do the math.
“ARCHER! GET US DOWN FROM HERE!” I wipe the blood leaking from my nose, and dash forwards, tracing Kanshou and Bakuya.
“Alright, I’m coming!” But, as I draw closer, I’m forced to halt as… Oh, dear… Now it’s squeezing on Saber’s… assets … And holding them in my face.
“WHAT’RE YOU SITTING AROUND LIKE THAT FOR? You can do whatever you want later, just get this thing off of me now! It’s slimy, and gooey, and icky! And I think it’s oozing inside my dress!” Homina homina homina …
(Lancer’s P.O.V )
Y’know, as cool of a bro as Archer is, and as alright as I am letting him date my sister, he sure is distracted easily. Almost disappointing. Really regretting not leaving him in a gay bar for an hour. That may have averted our current crisis. Ah, well. The past is the past. “Have at thee, foul demon of Rule 34!”
I charge, and as I begin to strike it, I find that my lance cannot seem to hit anything solid, “Damn! It’s like an octopus! Only slimier! Nothing solid… to hit! C’mon, you literally spineless coward! HOLD STILL AND LET ME STAB YOU!” As I re-angle my strike, I aim more towards the base of the tendril, where it’s emerging from the jar. Apparently, it noticed that, and now it’s holding up Rider… Aye yay yay yay yay… Must… keep… focused… No… bad boner…
Ouch. Okay, note to self: the rape-happy tentacles are also combat-capable. I pick up my spear, and decide to simply throw the damn thing. Whaddya know? I actually got in a lucky shot. As the beast recoils, Berserker moves in for the finishing blow.
“RRRRAAAOOOOOOOGH!
The final tendril, deciding survival is more important than sexual pleasures, promptly drops Caster, and then slams itself into Berserker, holding him against the wall. “RRRRRROOOOOGH!
“Was this a prank? This was a prank by Umbra. Definitely.”
Saber snarls, and grabs the jar, glaring at the label, that of a smiling shadow, “If I ever find him again, I will shove this thing up his black ass and OPEN IT UP! DO YOU HEAR ME UMBRA? UP YOUR ASS!”
“Saber… we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it… Can we get some sleep, for now?”
(Saber’s P.O.V )
Stupid Umbra with his stupid pranks… I’ll get him even if I’ve gotta lose an arm and a leg… Oh, well… I slink into bed, with Archer sliding in next to me, “G’night, old sport.”
“Good night, tracer boy.” He drifts off to sleep quickly enough, but I stay up with a single candle, reading one of the books he picked up. Huh… never read anything by… Neil Degrasse Tyson? The Astrophysics Black Guy? Wait… god, damnit. Stupid Archer, you got that thing from Epic Rap Battles stuck in my head… Well, got nothing better to read. Hey, what’s that noise? Is… that a cricket?
CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP
“Mmmm… murgle…” Archer only lightly turns in his sleep. How the hell’d he not wake up from something this annoying?
“Grr… Shoulda gotten some bug spray… Knowing Umbra, it probably would’ve sprayed out more bugs…” I slowly climb out, and generate Aestus Estus, poking around, hoping I can jab the source of the noise.
Then suddenly five raccoons pop from nowhere and start screeching around the room.
“WAGH! Uh… hey, little guys… How’d… you get in here?” As I say that, I notice all of their shadows are conjoint… Oh, dear.
“YAAAAAAAAGGHHH! GET ‘EM OFF! GET ‘EM OFF! GET THEM OFF!” I pick them up, and hurl them off, only to watch as the large shadow on the wall releases something… Oh no.
Exit Saber. Pursued by Mega-Skunk of Romulus IV. “OH BY THE ROOT STOP IT STOP IT! WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME?” In that instant, I notice the shadows around everyone’s ears. I’m gonna kill Umbra when I get my hands on him…
I run out of the den, only to get pecked at by a particularly loud raven.
CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CROAK CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW RATTLE RATTLE CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW RAP RAP RAP CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW
WHY? WHY ME? WHAT’VE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? “I’m sorry, Umbra! CALL IT OFF! I’M SORRY! I JUST WANNA GO TO BED! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!”
A note falls and lands in front of me, reading:
“Remember, I’m pretty much omniscient. I hear and see and feel everything you think, say, or do. I didn’t appreciate the comment about my ass, thank you very much. Now, I’ve retrieved the jar I dropped. Apologies for that.
Ta ta,
Umbra Shadow-Walker.
Favors owed by Saber-chan:
8
7 ”
“Uh… That’s… cool, I guess…” I throw the note off into the bushes, and walk back into the den, curling up next to Archer, “Oh… it’s finally over… Archer…” I hug him, letting his warmth channel out the ringing in my ears and the pain in my cheeks.
“Mmm… Saber…” Wait… is he dreaming? About ME? Aw… how sweet...
“You… smell…”
SMACK
WORST. BOYFRIEND. EVER.
FINAL CHAPTER: Going Back To My Roots
No Alt Title today, sorry.
Umbra sped along the inter-dimensional highways at the speed of thought. He had a very important meeting to get to, after all.
Finally, he arrived at his destination: VOID CENTRAL HQ, home of the SysAdmins. The shadow-man slid through the thin crowd of Admins, taking note of each and every one of their unique designs.
Demonic, Angelic, Shadows with different highlights, animals, Eldritch Abominations, inanimate objects, ordinary beings. If there was something to look like, there was a SysAdmin that looked like it.
Reaching a single door marked: Meeting Room 2B, Umbra pushed it open and floated to the nonexistent ground, walking forward to face the being behind the solitary desk.
"Hey Boss. I guess you're wondering about that notice I filed, yeah?"
The being shifted in its chair and swiveled around, adjusting the nameplate attached to its cloak.
DEATH: THE END OF ALL
WHEN I HEARD THAT ONE OF MY BEST AND BRIGHTEST WAS TURNING IN THEIR TWO CYCLE NOTICE, I WAS VERY CONCERNED. TELL ME, UMBRA. WHY HAVE YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE THE SYSADMINS?
"Because... I'm tired, Boss. I mean, I see all these SysAdmins and they're perfectly happy being the ones that nobody sees. But, even if I was a loner on earth, even if I left Equestria because I didn't want to make friends... I can't stand the thought of people hating me just because of what I am. It's too tempting to blast them out of existence. And you've seen past that Fourth wall. Hell, all SysAdmins ignore it. I know what my author goes through when he writes us into existence. I know how many people hate the SysAdmins. I know that there are so many authors beyond that thrice-damned Wall that have considered removing their stories from this Canon simply because they know of me . It stings, Boss. It really does."
I SEE. WELL. CONSIDERING YOUR SIDE ACTIVITIES, I SUPPOSE YOU SHALL BE KEEPING A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF POWER, YES? ENOUGH TO FIRMLY KEEP YOU WITHIN THE TITAN CLASS OF DISPLACED BEINGS?
"I have to have some way of keeping my shop open. I can't just pull people into my Subspace Pockets without my status as a SysAdmin, now can I?"
I SEE THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHOICE. ONE THAT A VAST MAJORITY OF YOUR ALTERNATES HAVE AGREED TO. EVEN THAT MOST UNHELPFUL ONE.
"Yes."
THEN AS HEAVY AS IT MAKES MY NON-EXISTANT HEART BE, I, DEATH, THE END OF ALL THINGS, THE DESTROYER OF THE VOID, THE KEYMASTER, THE RULER OF SYSADMINS.... HEREBY STRIP UMBRA SHADOW-WALKER OF HIS TITLE OF SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR AND PLACE HIM DOWN TO TRAVELING SALESMAN OF THE VOID. SO MOTE IT BE.
The soundless declaration echoed across the Void, even as Umbra felt his shadowy flesh strip itself away and be replaced by something considerably more mortal. Not human by any means, but certainly mortal, for a given value of the word.
Umbra rose, his name and title stripped away from him, feeling lighter and more free than he had in trillions upon trillions of eons. He looked down at his human appearance: pale skin, a white button-up shirt with a black tie printed on, black jeans, black and white sneakers, a black wristwatch, and a thin braid descending to his ankles.
UMBRA-NO. THAT IS NO LONGER YOUR NAME, FOR YOU HAVE FORSAKEN YOUR TITLE. TELL ME, VOID DWELLER. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
"My name... My name! It's... Aaron. Aaron Heibai. I haven't used that name in so long... I almost forgot who I was... who I am!"
INDEED. NOW GO FORTH, HEIBAI, AND REVEL IN YOUR NEWFOUND FREEDOM. THE SYSADMIN CORPS SHALL MISS YOU GREATLY.
"Thank you, Boss... for everything."
I'M NOT YOUR BOSS ANYMORE, AARON. I'M SIMPLY YOUR ACQUAINTANCE NOW. GO ON. SHOO. YOU'VE GOT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.
Thus, the newly de-powered being flew away in a wisp of shadows and flares, once more himself.
"Oh goddammit, how the hell do I navigate anymore!? WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW!?"
Aaron's story has an official sequel to it, found here .
Toodles~
View Online
Arc 3: The Journeyman; Chapter 1: Training Trip, Montage Style!
Chapter 6 Alt Title: Star Trekkin' Through the Multiverse
October 4th
I left a note in Twilight's new library tree that said that I'd be back in a few years, and to keep innovating. That was three hours ago. Currently, I'm drifting through the Void, wondering where I should go first.
That universe over there looks nice, but what's with the weird color? It's completely shrouded black, that's not normal...
Well, I guess that settles which Universe I'm visiting. I approached the black orb, and learned something new. Something surprising, but not exactly frightening.
"It's a dead Universe. What."
I didn't even know Universes could die before now, I wonder what happened?
Accessing Universal Data Logs...
Please Stand By...
Please Select Desired Data Log
Oh, that's new. I guess being me allows me to access a Universe's data logs...I have no idea what I can do with this.
Selected Data:
Recording of Primary System Prior to Universal Shut Down
Please Stand By...
Let's see who's Universe this is and what the hell they did to kill the Universe.
Oh my. That's bad.
I'm glad they killed off their branch now; this kind of stupidity cannot be allowed to continue without risking the entire Multiverse. What did they do? They used Space-Time magic to rip open portals in the Space-Time Continuum of their Universe without stabilizing them first. Why? They were trying to win an intra-universal war, which they themselves instigated. And they were losing too, dumbasses. Their race, you ask? Nothing you readers would know about, but they called themselves 'Tetraxians' of the planet 'Tetrax VI' in the 'Tetrax System' in what we call NGC 1068, in the year 1002394, Earth Standard Time. They look like a cross between a praying mantis, a centipede, a scorpion, and a wasp. They are smart, very smart, but they lack any and all common sense, and are about as aggressive and xenophobic as you can get, and they pissed off every single FTL-capable race in the Universe, just to try and assert their dominance.
Well, that's enough of that, hey, what's this?
Master Control Initiated;
User Recognized: Umbra Shadow-walker
Option: Hard Reset Universe; Y/N?
Y
Reseting Universe...
Error: Growth Protocols Corrupted; Insufficient Data
Please Insert New Protocols
I can remake Universes in my image now, apparently.
Universe Re-Initializing...
Universe Title Change Pending
Previous: Tetrax VI V1.02.34 Alpha Version
New: Tetrax VI Beta
Maybe now the Tetraxians will be smarter, after all, I did reprogram their aggression centers to be less active, though still active enough to keep a 'Top Predator' position.
IDEA!
Right, let's search for dead and newly born Universes. I think I should be able to use them as training grounds, given my newfound ability to edit and alter Universes to my will. Although, I have to wonder if it's just me that can do so, considering how many eldritch abominations there are floating around the void. Maybe I can ask Fausticorn about this ability, we do have sort of a Master/Apprentice thing going on right now. Now... where is she, that's the question. She's usually not too far from the Equestria Cluster, which I'm actually still in, so she should be close.
Oh, you were wondering how I'm in the Equestria Cluster even though I saw that dead Universe earlier? Well, turns out that dead Universes drift around instead of staying close to their Clusters, considering the fact that they've got nothing to call a 'Base'. Same goes for New Universes too.
Anyways, there's Fausticorn over there. "Lady Fausticorn, over here! I have a question for you!"
"Greetings, young one, I hope you are well. Now, what exactly is your question?"
"Well, I discovered earlier that I can take any Universe, living or dead, and edit everything about it such that it loses its previous identity and falls under my control. My question is, am I the only one that has this ability, or are there others that can do the same thing?"
"...To be honest, I have no idea Umbra, but I think it's just you. However, many of the Void's inhabitants may fear or seek to use your ability, so hide this from all others. You have done well in seeking my counsel before you did anything rash; is there anything else?"
"No, not for now. Right now I'm just wandering the Void, so, I'll see you later."
"Good bye for now, Umbra. I wish you a pleasant journey."
"Thanks, Lady Fausticorn."
What a nice lady, right? Well, let's get searchi–... wait a minute, I have a New Universe tucked inside my subspace pocket! alright, let's see what I can do with this thing.
Master Control Initiated
User Recognized: Umbra Shadow-walker
Please Input Developmental Parameters
Is the text on the screen different this time, or is it just me? I swear it was bolded text before. Whatever. Let's get to editing.
Input:
Base Planet Radius: 4.3 million miles
Base Planet Mass: 320 Earth Masses
Planet Type: Rocky
Randomize Terrain
Primary Liquid: Water
Sun Color: Yellow
Inhabitants: Randomize
>Randomize Extra Universal Parameters
That should do it. I think.
Well, nothing to do but see what's inside.
VWORPLE
"AAGH SHIT, THAT'S BRIGHT!" Apparently the 'Big Bang' is still going on. And it's painful as all fuck. Ow ow ow ow ow. Time to go.
VWORPLE
"Right... how 'bout I set the time scale to this...sync it with this...do some of this and this and that..."
Okay, let's see about now.
VWORPLE
Huh... A gigantic, molten ball of rock. I guess I should scale a bit further then.
VWORPLE
VWORPLE
Ah, that's better. Nice and balmy, tropical weather. No seasons due to the planet's lack of tilt, a lush and beautiful jungle planet filled with everything from fruits to army ant looking things to giant death wasps....what?
"OH SHIT!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"SHIT!"
Oh, and they have magical death laser stingers, too. Sucks for me, sucks for them that they went up against me.
VVVVVVVV–CRUNCH
"Whew, that almost got ugly. Right, let's let this planet develop some and then we'll come back later. Back into subspace you go."
WHUMP
VWORPLE
"Okay, now it's time for a training montage, Rocky Style! "
Me rigorously teleporting as fast as I can to make an instantaneous transition...
I learn to code Universes on my own, being completely self taught with naught but the help of several coding manuals...
I create ever increasingly complex formations out of shadows...
I learn how to replicate anything that casts a shadow as its shadow form...
"GIGA...DORIRU...BREAKAAAAAAAAAA!!!! "....
Taking shadows and returning them, practice, practice, practice...
Creating my first shadow shield...
Punching a frozen pig carcass just for the hell of it...
Shadow possession for the first time...
Running up a really huge set of stairs...
Reaching the top and imitating Rocky's success pose...
3 Months Later
After a grueling three month long training session, which was shown in the form of a montage, I think I should be ready to take on the vast majority of threats out there. Maybe. I think.
Well, at least I got most of my defensive and 'Run Like a Bitch' skills up to par with my attack skills. I wonder just how strong I am now?
"Gah!"
Oh look, a stats bar. Wanna read it? It's currently set to a ten point ranking system, although I could switch to letters.
Base Stats (Human):
Str: 4
Spd: 5
Stealth:6
Int: 6
Alc Tol: 2
Atk: 3
Def: 2
Evade: 3
Will: 7
Reflex: 4
Mana: 0
Sp Atk: 0
Sp Def: 0
Skill: 5
A little bit off of Average for a human, really.
Base Stats (Shadow):
Str: 7
Spd: 9
Stealth:10
Int: 6
Alc Tol: 6
Atk: 8
Def: 6
Evade: 10
Will: 7
Reflex: 4
Mana: 6
Sp Atk: 9
Sp Def: 5
Skill: 6
Much better, ne?
Current Stats:
Str: 8
Spd: 10
Stealth:10
Int: 7
Alc Tol: 6
Atk: 9
Def: 8
Evade: 10
Will: 8
Reflex: 7
Mana: 7
Sp Atk: 10
Sp Def: 7
Skill: 8
Not a lot of improvement at first glance, but it really is a lot
Huh... when the hell did I get a stat bar? Oh yeah, I'm floating through the SAO Cluster right now, which means the stat bar makes more sense. Okay, let's move out of here, it's getting kinda boring.
How about a crossover Universe... let's see... Gurren Lagann? nah, Spiral Power burns. Manly Willpower is basically the exact opposite of paradox emptiness, after all. Uh...Nasuverse? But with what? How about a Fanfiction 'verse? 'God Slaying Blade Works '? Eh... A little scary...but............ Fine.
VWORPLE
Oh shit, this is right at the beginning of the story. To give you an idea of what this looks like, imagine a giant toddler that's been covered in infected wounds, warping the surrounding area into a literal hell on earth. And oh yeah, Shirou looking almost dead...with excalibur in his hands. Shit.
"Excalibur."
OH SHIT
Copying a sword I found in normal Nasuverse, I replied in kind, and in doing so, fractured the timeline into an AU.
"Ea, Sword of Rupture! ENUMA ELISH!"
To describe the immediate scene from an outside perspective, well, one would see a giant beam of golden light obliterating a street in Naples, along with the newly born Angra Mainyu, and rushing towards a small shadowy figure. Said shadowy figure immediately generates a shadow protrusion–also called a 'sword'– which then generates a massive red tornado of pure, blinding truth , stopping the beam of holy light from destroying it also. You could probably tell which one is me and which one became the Campione.
"Ah, shit, my...everything really. I'm a shadow, why do I feel pain?"
Well, good news is, I'm alive and so is Shirou, although I'm not surprised considering the fact that he's healed from much worse things before. Bad news, I can't copy Ea ever again...unless I want to be incapacitated for the next three hours, due to the fact that I used a King's weapon.
Well, let's follow Shirou and Ilya for a while, ne?
Some Time Later
Y'know, when I decided to follow this version of Shirou, I didn't expect to have to deflect Excalibur more than once, but I guess being in the vicinity of Shirou's fight against Mordred was probably a bad place to be.
"Caliburn!"
"Shit! Mirror Shield!"
Okay, maybe it's not Excalibur, but Caliburn is just as painful to me as Excalibur is, both being beams of HOLY LIGHT and all.
Oh shit, Shirou's down and...oh no. I remember this part. Shit shit shit. I'm right in the immediate vicinity of these guys, and I know exactly what happens next. I do not want to have to deflect another Excalibur. Better get out of here now.
"Excalibur."
FUCK
"Time to go."
Whoosh
Maybe I should go visit some place where the resident form of energy manipulation doesn't hurt so badly. The funny thing is, normal light doesn't hurt at all, even if it's an industrial, steel cutting laser. Nope, it's got to be either stupid powerful, like Samus' Zero Laser; excessively magical, like Celestia's Sunfire beams she has in a few Universes; or Divine, like MOTHERFUCKING EXCALIBUR. So, that means that anything that glows, but is not excessively magical, like ki, chi, or chakra, won't hurt unless it starts glowing brighter than the goddamn sun, at which point the magical background energy diffused in the attack will have become concentrated enough to hurt. A lot. For example, a Kamehameha will hurt. Rasenshuriken will hurt. Moko Takabisha will hurt. Avada Kedavra will not hurt. Why? Because Avada Kedavra only shuts down all neural activity in the body. No body, no death. Take that Voldemort.
Also: exposition sucks, but I hope you'll forgive me for clogging your screen with all this expositionary text. And yes, I did just make up the word 'expositionary'...I think. The author is currently reading the text as spelled incorrectly, so...yeah. make of that what you will.
End Chapter 6
