Author's Note
I wrote this for the lulz. Please enjoy and tell me what you thought! Also once again, super thanks to my buddy Kestrel for editing this! You're awesome dude!!
How much for a glass!?!
"Damn it all, why does it have to be so hot here!?" shouted Tirek to no pony in particular as he walked through the smoldering caverns of the underworld known as Tartarus. To say that the caverns were barren would be an understatement, there was magma, flames, stalagmites, stalagtites.........that was about it there, well that and the unbearable heat. Tirek was re-banished at a wonderful time. Summer had just started in Equestria, and when summer reaches Equestria, it also reaches Tartarus. It was something every pony noticed after spending a few thousand years holed up in this prison. The heat down in Tartarus somehow changed depending on the season, if you could believe such a thing. Spring and fall were basically the same, with it being equivalent to the heat of a volcano each and every day at those times. Winter was much better, and was the most favored time of the year, with it being as hot as the most unbearable of summer droughts during that time, but summer? Summer was a whole different story. For comparison, imagine that one day Princess Celestia said, "You know what? Buck you!" And then chucked the sun at you. You've basically got summer in Tartarus in a nutshell right there.
Tirek trudged along through the rocky caverns of the furthest reaches of the vile realm as he had been doing for the past eight hours. This trek was hard on him in his weakened state. He was practically dragging his hooves at this point, and beads of sweat were pouring down his face as he continued onward. His faded black coat and white beard were drenched in the liquid, it dripped with sweat as he used his hands to wring out the sweat from it for the umpteenth time that day.
How in blazes have I not died from dehydration yet? Granted I'm a powerful magical being, but I must've sweated my body weight three times over since I started this blasted trek! wondered the centaur. 'Although I have to say, that's the lesser of my two issues at the moment.' he thought as he used his faded scarlet hand to gently massage his Adam's apple. 'My biggest issue has to be this nagging pain in my throat!
It was true, ever since Tirek returned to Tartarus, the one thing that had been haunting him other than his defeat at the hooves of the Elements of Harmony, was the feeling of daggers piercing his throat. Unfortunately for all the damned souls down there with him, cold drinks weren't exactly easy to come by. In a place like Tartarus, the only liquid that was easy to come by was the blood of a vanquished opponent's lifeless body, and in Tirek's current state, overpowering anypony that looked at him the wrong way wasn't exactly an option. Unfortunately for him, there was only one option to quell the wrath of his raging throat; and it was just coming into view. After many hours of walking through a barren cavern, a small dot appeared on the side of the path Tirek was walking. When he approached the object, it appeared to be a dusty counter of some sort made with cheap, splintery wood and painted a faded chocolate brown. The stand was barren, save for a small bell on the corner of it. Tirek took a glance around to see if anypony was around before walking around the structure to see nopony behind it.
"H-Hello!?" Tirek shouted as he continued to look around the seemingly abandoned stand. He took another look to see if anyone else was on the path, but it was just as barren as it had been before. Tirek briefly wondered if he was in the right place.
" This seems like the place that serial killer told me about. Lone box at the side of a desolate road, right in front of a rock formation that looks like a griffon stabbing Princess Celestia with a spork." he repeated to himself as he did multiple times on the road. He looked beyond the stand to see a large formation of jagged rocks a few feet away. Tirek tilted his head slightly as he squinted at the formation.
" Hmm..... It looks more like Luna to me." Tirek stated as he turned his attention back to the stand in front of him. He stared at it, almost expecting something to happen before grunting in frustration. "Grrrrrh.... I should've known, ABANDONED!! I spent the past eight hours seeking this place out in this damned heat for nothing!!" Tirek shouted as he pounded his boney fist on the old rusted bell.
DING!!
The bell's short ring quickly echoed across the cavern as Tirek grunted once more in anger. He took one more look around before turning to begin the journey back to civilization. He barely took three steps before he heard something behind him.
"Hiya mister!" A childlike voice called out from behind him. Tirek stopped walking as he shifted his upper body to face the stand again. There was now a sole occupant sitting behind the box. It was a young unicorn colt; staring at him with big red eyes, and a grin on his muzzle. His coat was a charcoal grey color, and his unkempt mane was the most ink-like black Tirek had ever seen on a pony. Sitting atop his head was a red and white propeller hat with a silver propeller that was spinning in the nonexistent wind. His lower body was blocked by the stand, so Tirek couldn't see a cutie mark.
"U-Uuhhhh.....G-Greetings.....small one." Tirek replied in a perplexed tone as he turned his whole body to face the young colt. "Where exactly did you come from?"
" I was taking a lunch break behind that big rock back there when I heard you yelling sir." the young colt answered in an innocent tone as he pointed back to the large rock behind him. "I'm sorry I didn't yell back, I had a bunch of food in my mouth and I'd choke if I didn't swallow it."
" That's alright." Tirek responded. " But I have to ask, what's a young colt such as yourself doing in the middle of nowhere? And in Tartarus no less?"
The colt kept giving Tirek a cheeky grin as he spoke. "Well, I'm here to sell lemonade to anypony who wants some! Isn't that the reason why you're here, mister?"
" Why as a matter of fact, it is little colt! But still, I highly doubt a young colt such as yourself would have the capability or the desire to travel to such a.......desolate local simply to peddle your drinks." Tirek explained as he put his hands down on the top of the stand while he lowered his head to the colt's eye level. " No, do you wish to hear what I believe 'young one'? I believe you to be something far more......intelligent than a normal colt, one can't just go to Tartarus when they feel like it. It takes a certain.......pony to be imprisoned here. Now, what kind of colt would you be?" He inquired as he squinted his eyes at the ash grey colt.
" I believe I'm the kind of colt who's unfortunate enough to be stuck behind a lemonade stand while I should be comfortably seated in a castle." The colt replied as his eyes met the faded lights that were Tirek's pupils. The crimson skinned centaur and ash grey colt kept staring one another down for a few moments until the colt noticed that by a sudden change in Tirek's facial expression, as like something clicked in his mind.
"Wait a moment.......Sombra?.......KING Sombra!? Is that you!?" Tirek asked. The colt only nodded as Tirek started to laugh. "Bahahahahahaha! Dear hell, what happened to you Sombra!? I didn't recognize you for a moment there!"
The colt shook his head as he spoke. "Must be a senior moment, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I tried reclaiming what was rightfully mine a few months ago, but I was felled by......a mighty drake, along with the most powerful magic in the entire empire, that's why I'm in this sorry state."
Tirek let out another cackle. "Oh Sombra, Sombra, Sombra, no use trying to sugarcoat your own demise." he assured the former king of the Empire. "Every demon, hell spawn, murderer, rapist, and politician down here has heard of how the mighty King Sombra clawed his way out of hell, only to be bitch slapped back by the power of llllllooooooooovvvvvvveeee!"
That apparently struck a nerve with Sombra, as his stare morphed into a cold glare. "Like you're one to talk Mr. All Powerful Master of the Underworld. You absorbed the magic of countless ponies all across Equestria, even taking the magical energy of four alicorns, and the embodiment of chaos himself, and was felled by the power of friendship!! " he retorted. Tirek was taken aback.
"Th-That was different!"
"Correct Tirek, I was defeated by the combined magical and spiritual cornerstone of an entire EMPIRE of ponies! You on the other hoof, were defeated by six mares with ridiculous appearances, and a tree."
"And that wasn't my fault!" Tirek argued. "I drained the magic of each one of those mares! I thought they were done for!"
"There's another thing." Sombra pointed out. " You had those mares in your grasp, and you could've eliminated them when you traded them with that purple pony princess for her magic. Why didn't you just take the alicorn magic and crush her? I would've made the deal and then impaled the Elements of Harmony and Discord on crystals in order to signal my triumphant return. But you didn't do that, did you? No, you let the Elements that felled every other major threat in Equestria as of late free to gain the only thing left that could stop you: rainbow power. Truly, you are a master of evil lord Tirek." he said with as much sarcasm as possible.
"W-Well....I..um.....y-your.....grrrrrrrrrrrh!" Tirek grunted as he tried to prevent himself from going ballistic on the colt Sombra. "Look, as much as I love being told how I botched my conquering of Equestria, that's not the reason I'm here."
"Oh yes, of course. I almost forgot." Sombra stated plainly as his horn was suddenly enveloped by a dark crimson aura that matched the iris of his eyes. Suddenly, a glass pitcher that was enveloped by the same colored aura as Sombra's horn levitated out from behind his stand and was set gently on top of it before the aura dissipated. Tirek never took his eyes off of the pitcher, he was eyeing up the yellow liquid within it as he licked his lips. It was only now that Tirek was reminded on how incredibly parched he was after the journey here. Sombra chuckled. "I believe this is what you came here for?"
"Yes....it is." Tirek replied without taking his eyes off of the pitcher. His mouth watered as he gazed upon it, how the pitcher had some light condensation on it, and how the yellow liquid seemed so refreshing and inviting. "There's....ice cubes in it.....how on Equestria did you manage to get ice cubes in Hell!?"
"Why Tirek, don't you believe in magic?" Sombra joked as his horn and the pitcher were cloaked in the aura once more, only this time he brought up two red plastic cups from behind the stand, and started to pour the drink into one of the cups. Once he filled the cup to the top, Sombra raised it to his muzzle and started to drink from it very.......very........slowly. When he was finished, he let out a sigh as he wiped his muzzle with his hoof. He set the cup down before snobbishly grinning at the envious Tirek. "Oh, now where's my manners? Drinking my beloved product while I should be selling it to my patrons! Would you like a cup Mr. Tirek, sir?"
" I think the fact I came out here is answer enough." Tirek responded through gritted teeth. "But the question I'm gonna ask is: how much does it cost?"
"Only the low, low, cost of your soul!" Sombra said as he gave the cheekiest smile in existence. "Now I know for a creature of your 'high caliber', giving up something like your soul may be a gambit, so-"
"Very well."
"I'd suggest thinking o........really?" Sombra asked with a dumbfounded look on his face to which Tirek gave a nod yes. "Well...I though that'd be a bit more fun to squeeze out of you, but alright, if you wanna be quick about this then...." Sombra continued as with his magic once more, this time a flash appeared which caused Tirek and Sombra needing to close their eyes for a brief moment. Once the light dimmed, Tirek could see that an old school scroll had appeared before him, and it was sealed with a red crystal, the emblem of house Sombra. The scroll was laid out on the stand as Sombra then brought up a quill. "Just sign this, and the lemonade shall be yours."
Tirek started to reach across the stand to reach the quill, but as his hand reached the quill, he gave a devilish grin. Before Sombra could react, Tirek quickly brought both his hands up to Sombra's neck and clamped both of them down as hard as he could.Tirek dragged Sombra over the stand, knocking over the scroll and the cups. (But saving the lemonade.) Sombra didn't struggle against Tirek's grip, only raising an eyebrow at his assailant.
"Gahahahahaha! Like I'd really sell my soul to the likes of a tyrannical toddler! I may be weakened, but I'll be damned if I cannot overpower a colt!" Tirek exclaimed as he brought Sombra close so that they were now nose to muzzle. " And now, I believe I shall quench two thirsts today, Not only my thirst for the sweet nectar of lemonade, but also my thirst for magic." he said as he licked his lips. Sombra only rolled his eyes in reply as Tirek slowly opened his mouth to begin draining Sombra of his magic.
"Dear Celestia, is this what I've been reduced to? Fighting senior citizens from Hell?" Sombra asked. At that moment, like a bat out of hell, a black crystal jetted out of the ground by Tirek, smashing into his cheek as he was attempting the magic drain; causing him to drop the ash grey colt.
"A-Ah?" was all Tirek was able to choke out before a second, much larger black crystal came out of the ground and slammed into the underbelly of his horse half. Tirek groaned as the wind was knocked out of him. The crystal was not yet done with him, as it flew up into the air with him still on top of it; leaving him holding on for dear life. The crystal spun around in the air for a few seconds before stopping and flying into Griffon stabbing Luna with a spork rock; Tirek first, now changing it into Griffon being impaled with a Crystal whilst stabbing Luna with a spork rock. Tirek was now wedged against the large rock formation. He tried pushing the large crystal off his chest, but his scrawny arms wouldn't let that happen. He tried jostling the crystal, but that didn't work either. As he continued trying to wiggle out from the crystals, flailing his horse legs and all, he looked down at the ground to see Sombra snickering to himself.
"Technically, you were already damned."
"S-Sombra....ACK!! Release me this instant you regal runt!" Tirek choked out as he continued to struggle.
"Oh, well I'd be more than happy to let you down from there Tirek.....if....you do something for me."
"grrraaah, What is it?"
"Well first, I believe I deserve an apology for the assault a moment ago."
Tirek groaned. "Fine...ack! I'm ....sorry I tried absorbing your magic."
"Apology accepted my dear associate! Now, I'll just need one more thing from you."
"What?"
" YOUR SOUL!!!!!" the young colt belted out in a dramatically demonic voice as somehow lightning could be heard in the background. At that moment, another bright light flashed in front of Tirek, prompting him to shield his eyes. When he opened them, he saw that the same scroll and quill from the stand were levitating in the air before him.
"Is this supposed to be humorous!?"
"Not at all Tirek, I believe selling your soul is a much better option than spending the rest of eternity wedged in between a rock and a hard place."
"Buck....you.....kingly....cur.. Tirek choked out with as much venom as possible while internally swearing that the Crystal was pushing him deeper into the formation.
"Oh come now Tirek, working for me won't be that terrible. I'd just need you to do....well....whatever it is I ask of you! Anything from filing my hooves to feeding me grapes, what I'd say goes." Sombra explained to the trapped centaur who only grunted in response, which prompted another chuckle from the pint sized tyrant. "I kid, I kid, despite your current sorry state, I know full well that when a certain abundant resource is available, you are truly a force to be reckoned with my dear Tirek. And when we re-emerge in Equestria, something I'm planning on doing in the near future mind you, I wouldn't waste the abilities of such a potentially powerful minion on menial tasks, no, that's what the slave mares would be for." he said as a grin kept across his face.
"Re-emerge in Equestria?" Tirek asked, despite the situation he was put in, he was intrigued by what Sombra was planning.
"Correct! Granted, it will be some time before we have enough resources and minions to escape this blasted circle of hell, but when we do, we shall rise up and lay waste to those who wronged us! And as an added bonus, why don't I let you go exact your revenge against those Elements of Harmony? You wish to trample Twilight Sparkle? Be my guest! You wish to dismember Discord? He's probably done that a few times on his own. You may get revenge on anypony you want to provided I become crowned Emperor of Equestria in the process. Well.....almost anypony; That putrid purple dragon and the current rulers of MY Crystal Empire, I'm afraid those three are off limits, but aside from them any form of petty vengeance goes! So what do you say Tirek? Care to take a ride to vengeance on the Sombra Servitude Express? Or are you alright being stuck here in the middle of nowhere?"
The stuck centaur took a moment to think about Sombra's proposition. Eternity was a long time to spend under someone's rule, but it would be even more maddening being stuck on a rock in hell for just as long. After thinking it over more, revenge, chaos, and whatever form of indentured servitude for the pint sized prick would probably be more bearable than having a crystal crush his lungs. After making his decision, Tirek reached for the quill and signed his name in cursive on the dotted line. The very second after Tirek finished crossing his T, the scroll and quill both dissolved into a purple mist, and the large black crystal that pinned him to the rock like a helpless insect shattered into millions of shards. Tirek briefly relished in being able to breath normally once more before the force of gravity pulled him down the formation, making him fall face first onto the ground. He picked himself up off of the ground to see his new ruler standing in front of him with a smug grin on his face.
"I believe you've made a very good choice Tirek! I'm sure that despite me being a tyrant, you'll eventually find me to be a very good employer. In fact, how about a drink to celebrate your new life as my servant?" Sombra asked as he used his magic to levitate the cups and pitcher of lemonade over to them. He poured two cups, and gave one to Tirek. "To your servitude, and our eventual takeover of Equestria!" he said as he brought his cup up in front of his new minion.
Tirek shrugged in response. "Meh...I guess I can drink to that." he stated as he met Sombra's cup with his own. After that, both villains quickly downed the liquid gold, to Tirek the cold drink going down his dry, cracked throat felt nothing short of heavenly as he was sure to get every last drop of it inside him. He sighed as he licked his lips and looked at Sombra once more. "So what's our first order of business Lord Sombra?"
The ash grey colt finished his drink as his grin doubled in size. "Why, we expand our business of course!"
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
A few weeks later
Tirek stood behind the counter of the establishment he now worked at. Before him was a line of hell spawn waiting to order whatever they wanted. Everything from goblins to zombies, to pigmen, succubi, and downright unpleasant ponies alike were all waiting for the same thing. The line was very long, stretching out of the entrance to the makeshift building they were in. He groaned as he readjusted the paper hat he was wearing, and made sure his name tag was set properly on the vertically stripped baby blue and white uniform collar shirt he was wearing. He looked back ahead as a large black griffon walked up to him. He let out a sigh.
"Welcome to Sombra's Empire O' Lemonade. May I take your order?" he asked as plainly as possible. The griffon took a moment to look up at the menus above Tirek.
"Umm...yeah, can I get a uuuhh.........umm.......one large raspberry lemonade please?"
"Will that be all?" Tirek asked. The griffon took another look at the menus before deciding that was all he wanted. Tirek snapped his fingers and in a flash, a scroll and quill not unlike the ones he used to sign his soul away weeks ago appeared in front of him. "Alright, just sign away your soul and you'll get your stuff." At that, the griffon quickly signed his freedom away as the scroll and quill disappeared, and in its place a large plastic cup of raspberry lemonade. "Thank you, you'll have to come again to start serving King Sombra." he explained. The griffon nodded before taking his lemonade and walking away. Tirek let out another sigh as a changeling walked up to the counter. "I hope we get to invading Equestria soon, this job is horrible." he complained to no pony in particular.
"Oh, quit your bitching Tirek! At least you don't have the worst job here!" a voice called out to him. Tirek shifted his gaze to the left to see his co-worker; a bald dark red earth pony, wearing a cartoonishly oversized King Sombra mascot outfit glaring daggers at him. From behind the stallion, Tirek saw that an imp had snuck behind him, and gave him a swift kick to the flank with its cloven hoof as it laughed manically before running out the door. "You little shit! Get back here so I can kick your ass!!" He shouted as he ran out the door in hot pursuit of the imp. Tirek only sighed once more as he massaged his temples.
Well, at least it isn't all bad. Tirek thought to himself as he bent down behind the counter to pick up a small white cup half filled with lemonade and brought it up to his lips. I still get free lemonade.
