On the Edge of Christianity

by Addytheone

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3252

Twilight is called to the wishes of her teacher to join her at a convention in Heaven.

Twilight Sparkle, the newest princess to stand aside Princess Sunbutt, and be granted ice cream cone powers beyond almost every pony in Equestria. She was fortunate to be invited, and ordered, to an exciting visit to Heaven about some diplomatic situations concerning Equestria's matriarchy and religion!

Then they meet Kant!

Note: This story contains negative portrayal of Christianity, various historical figures and some other references you might not like. Please don't take offence, it's just comedy.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-22 22:28:48 UTC

The Gestapo Always Lightens up a Party

It was a splendid day in Equestria. The birds were singing, the ponies were casually wandering around acting as if their lives were perfect, and everything was generally as surreal as utopia.

Twilight Sparkle was also enjoying her day, swirling a cup of tea with a spoon levitated by her ice cream cone powers. This was the average morning for her. She never had to do anything to help keep the town in order and barely had to make an appearance, because she was an alicorn princess. It was quite simple – the majority of the physical work force in Equestria were stallions which weren’t unicorns. This made sense, as Equestria was a matriarchy, therefore mares would dictate all which happened.

But this is off subject. The point is, she’d wake up in the morning, grace the townsfolk with her presence once, and then seclude herself in the public library which no one seemed to use. Not once...

However, today something strange was about to happen! Upon taking her first sip of her herbal tea she heard a knock at the door.

Twilight rose from her sofa, smiling delightfully with the thought ‘New episode! I hope I’m a main character this week!’ After a brief, gleeful skip she arrived at the front door, swung it open with passion for her potential main role.

“Twilight.” She was met with a stern gaze from her teacher towering before her.

The purple porny smiled nervously. “Oh, hello Princess Celestia! It’s good to-“

“There’ll be time for formalities later. This is urgent.” Celestia waved a hoof, and without thought Twilight naturally stood aside to let the superior princess step past the lower peasant alicorn. Her ice cream cone lit up, levitating the jug of pleasantly warm tea and pouring it into an ornate mug which magically appeared out of nowhere.

Twilight simply shut the door, feeling slight repulsion to the rude greeting, but not irked in the slightest! This princess was a deity who raised the sun, a queen for the highest respect, even though Twilight had already figured out that it was all a hoax, and that they were merely the first ponies to realise that the sun rose and set in accordance to the moon every day naturally.

Celestia sat on Twilight’s favourite spot of her settee and sipped some of Twilight’s favourite herbal tea, and took one of Twilight’s favourite shortbread biscuits all while levitating the TV remote to flick to Twilight’s most abhorred channel – the soap channel, where every episode of every programme was just a reformulation of angry pornies getting  pissed over affairs and pregnancies.

“Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia began, chewing on the bitter shortbread biscuit. “As my least vexatious subordinate of royal power, I am offering, and enforcing, you to join me at the League of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds Convention, starting in seventeen minutes from now.”

Of course Twilight was flabbergasted! It was an honour to be nothing more than a lowly student under the teaching of a goddess among several hundred, but to be invited to a convention as second in line to her holy leader?! She wanted to say ‘no’, she really did, but being an obligated subject with inherited godly powers, she had no choice.

Before saying a word the white, godly porny continued speaking. “Excellent. Let’s go.” Her ice cream cone lit up, spraying light all across the room and caused slight irritation to the eyes of Twologht Sporkle!

Seconds later they arrived at the convention.

Twilly’s face was in ecstasy, a display of horror as the world around her reformed, and the silent proximity of her public library was shattered into a bustling convention of anthropomorphic creatures, chuckling manically at philosophical jokes while picking out free samples from the desks.

“My student, remain calm.” The goddess spoke, not bothering to lower herself to the view of her associate.

“What’s. Going. On?!” Twilight shouted in shock, catching a couple of perplexed glares from nearby renowned theorists.

Celestia smiled to a nearby… creature, who was subtly facing them in pique, huffing as he checked his arm clock thing. “We’re at the convention. I just messaged Kant to ask if I could tp us to him. He was OK with that, and now here we are.” He looked towards Kant. “Ahem. This my student, Twilight Gestapo. Twilight, meet Kant.”

References to a corrupt police force which Twilight had never heard of aside, the purple horse stared at the man’s silly wig and massive shiny forehead, feeling confused about his name. “Pardon, Kant?” She repeated the name, ensuring she heard it correctly.

“Alright, alright! I know it’s funny – Kant – oh, when will people learn the joke is over?” He ranted humorously in an amusing acquired German accent. “I’ve been the butt of dim-witted moronic mockery for centuries now.”

Just then, another silly, bald anthropic creature walked past with a female at his side, locked in arms. “How’s the convention, Kant? Try not to get too drunk, Kant.”

“Damn you and grow up Mill!” Kant yelled angrily.

Heaven is not a Place on Earth

They began to wander aimlessly for the next five minutes, making their way towards the conference where they’d supposedly be in the presence of the holy great and powerful historical figures, and the one true divine God with his son J-Man or whatever. Twilight was obligated to whatever Celestia demanded, and she hated each and every second of her existence when restrained in her shadow, but the royal powers and freedom to do basically whatever she wanted were pretty awesome.

While wandering they saw some grotesque scenes. These strange human creatures were all engaged in conversation. They all took a chance to speak one at a time and occasionally an individual group of them would chuckle. This was, as Twilight recognised, a theatre in Canterlot every evening at seven. Furthermore, they even had nibbles to satisfy their laughably appalling appetite.

The most exciting event was that of two men locked in confrontation. One being Jack Kerouac and the other being some nutcase psychologist.

“That beverage was mine and you know it, Freud!” Shouted Kerouac, raising his fists in rage.

Freud rolled his eyes. “Oh please, I think we all know you’ve had plenty.”

Kerouac growled fiercely, grabbing a nearby bottle and smashing it against the edge of a table. This was Heaven, so the bottles were basically unbreakable to prevent ill-mannered twats.

Freud rolled his eyes, smirking. “Haha! Kerouac, you really paid nicely to my theories, didn’t you? Oh, and that silly little novel you wrote, it’s just your own drug addiction.”

Once again, Kerouac could not restrain himself. “Same goes for your stinking structural model, dick.”

Twilight never saw the end of that argument, or discovered what this structural model is. Instead, she listened to the conversation between Kant and Celestia.

“They’re really trying to put a clamp down on rogue worlds now, Tia, it’s difficult to hold them off.” Kant explained. “Just last week they got missionaries into Sugar Rush.”

“Well… you know what they say up here. Today: feminism, tomorrow: humanism, and the next day… eh, who cares?” Celestia rolled her eyes as they joined the queue into the conference room. Even in Heaven a perfectly organised system was supposedly inconceivable.

Tia continued. “Feminism and ponyism are long gone in Equestria, and I lead them to it. We still have feminists turning up complaining about stallions being jerks by responding to the natural instincts programmed within them which gives them their sexuality, magical or not, and yet it’s apparently still a problem!”

She was pouting with exasperation, giving Kant a dismayed vibe. “They’re going to notice eventually, and then you’ll get missionaries, ambassadors, Thalmor and all kind of nonsense crawling around Canterlot!”

The pretend deity snarled sarcastically. “Thanks.” They took a step forward in the queue. “I try to cover it up, but getting a nation to turn around seems harder than causing a successful revolution in the first place.”

Kant smirked. “Down on Earth a ‘successful revolution’ is fantasy.”

Twidark, who had been listening to the entire conversation was about to ask what the hell they were on about, until the man who made a mockery of her new friend Kant wandered by.

“Ha! Look! It’s Kant!” John Stuart Mill laughed, a woman at his side who simply smiled accordingly. “How’s that categorical imperative going then?”

“Fine.” Kant grunted, adding ‘moron’ under his breath.

Mill smiled notoriously, feeling like the proud ass who inspired praise of intellectual arts and fear of bodily pleasures. “That’s great. You got your little porny friends here too. What are you, a brony? Pah!” He joked, chuckling wildly. He focused on Twilight and Celestia. “You two stick out like a sore rule of thumb right here, you’re the only representatives who aren’t human!”

Provocatively, Mill laughed louder, drawing attention. The white alicorn took no notice while Twilight followed her lead for a reason she barely understood. It was a shame how superiority operated in Heaven. Humans were, of course, mightier than beasts in every way, sentient or not, bastard or not.

Ignoring the ass did the trick, and he wandered off, leaving the trio to finally walk into the conference hall twelve minutes late. They look their designated seats. Before starting Twilight wished to know specifically what they were there for.

“Oh, I almost forgot you were here.” Tia began. “It’s a conference. They want every world under the same flag; the flag of Christ. Just ignore what’s going on and try not to draw attention. If they find out what I’ve done to Equestria I might be exiled and mares will lose all power.”

Twilight reluctantly nodded, understanding the logic in what her teacher was trying to portray. The conference room was large, fit to seat hundreds in a semicircle. The chairs were wooden and the structure was stone with an altar in the front of the room which all the seats faced, an attempt to resemble a lecture church.

All around sat great historical figures babbling towards each other about whatever crossed their minds. Twilight saw great philosophers such as Plato and Hume theorising and then disproving. Great writers such as Tolkien and Shakespeare deluded themselves about romance. Ethicists such as Bentham and Fletcher answered questions with questions. Great scientists such as Einstein and Tesla debated whose quantum harmonizer was biggest. Great musical legends from Mozart and Beethoven to Bob Dylan and Frank Sinatra laughed at shitty modern music. Pythagoras sat in a corner as punishment for boring millions of children and starting a cult.

Twilight knew none of the above. Regardless, she was pessimistically fascinated.

The service timetable sat in front. Twilight levitated it with her magic, though was quickly interrupted by her teacher.

“Be careful with how you use your magic, this isn’t Canterlot. People get jealous.” She advised sternly.

Twilight nodded, attempting to open it with her hooves, but failing terrifically. “Why can’t I use my hooves?!” She moaned.

“This is Heaven, anatomy makes sense here.”

The Exciting Kantclusion

Half an hour passed while more and more old men took their seats. The speakers around the stage poured out infernal modern music which the musical clique could hardly endure. They tired relentlessly, though when the music finally stopped they huffed a sigh of miraculous relief.

A man in white robes stepped up to the front of the stage with two men following him behind, handing him a microphone which he then tapped on. No sound came from the speakers. The technicians moved back as he tapped the microphone again before speaking into it. “Hello?” No sound came from the speakers, but the babbling audience began to settle.

The technician gave a thumbs up from behind the stage. That was Steve Jobs, the only local technician. He was turning Heaven a profit.

“Hello?” Finally the voice came through the speakers, a deep, masculine voice. “Ah, here we go.”

“Who’s that?” Twine asked. She stared at the man’s long brown hair, and staggering facial hair, thicker than pubic hair! The sight of this man was astonishing, the purple porny couldn’t hold back her lustful affection, which she immediately ignored because she didn’t have the effort to acknowledge her desires.

Celestia glared at the man with disgust. “That’s-“

“Big Man JC!” Shouted a voice. The audience chuckled lightly.

Big Man JC groaned. “Yes, alright, it was funny once.” He continued to conduct the conference, speaking with a deep and seductive tone, of course. “I’m Big Man JC, Jesus Christ, the one and only true son of our holy lord God. Recent news: The Thalmor are proceeding to weaken divine worship with their attacks on Zenithar, kudos to them. Atheism is bending praise on earth and pissing off thousands. Finally…” He paused, gazing off into the audience and recognising the contrast between men in suits and two ponies idly watching. He pointed to them, squinting. “You two stick out like a sore thumb.”

Immediately Celestia slammed her face into her hoof.

“I told you.” Kant smirked.

Jesus continued. “Have I spoken to you two before?”

Celestia gulped, realising that she’d finally been noticed. Once Big Man JC was onto you at a convention… you’d best not be in control of a nation which challenged his ideals.

Jesus smiled. “Perhaps you’re new. It’s nice to meet you.”

The alicorn stuttered, an event unheard of in Equestria. “I just… yeah, nice to… meet… you…” She could barely hold herself together, much to the surprise of purple face beside her. “I’m Celestia… here’s my apprentice, Twi… err… Twilight Sparkle.”

Big Man JC stroked his sexy beard. “I see. Aren’t you two from… Equestria, was it?” Celestia nodded nervously. “I remember that… I was outraged to see a feminist atheist nation run by ponies!”

The goddess began shaking. The leader of a rebellious nation is usually bogged down to that of a lesser subject while followers of a Christian regime are given top priority. She was currently facing that fate.

But suddenly… much to Cel’s delight, her protégé stepped in to defend her leader. “A nation which doesn’t follow your ideals? What’s wrong with that?”

Jesus was displeased. “Dear Celestia, keep your apprentice muzzled would you?”

The audience was silent, listening with interest. Twilo continued. “No, tell me, why does the ethical system of a world which isn’t yours matter to you?”

“Because I’m your dictator, the son of you creator.” JC argued.

Twilight frowned. “There’s no obligation for anyone in this room to follow your demands.”

“So? That’s hardly relevant. Pretty purple pony, do you know who you’re talking to?”

Twilight nodded.

“In that case you should know how the system works. I’m Big Man JC, son of big man God, and that makes me indisputably superior.”

Twifessor was ready to spot inconsistencies. “You’re the symbol of a religion based around love and freedom. Isn’t it hypocritical to insist you insert your bulging dick into another nation’s faith?”

Jesus’ eyes widened. “It’s nothing about business, its divine law, and natural law. We can’t have anyone forgetting the respect I deserve, therefore I can demand whatever obligations I want.” He crossed his arms.

Twilly stamped a hoof down in arrogance. “You can’t go around claiming that one being is superior over an entire nation just because of their roots!”

“Err… yeah I can, I’m Jesus.”

“What does it take to make you see logic?!”

“Me and dad, we made logic, without us you wouldn’t have logic, free will or the intelligence to be debating this right now.”

“But in that case your logic is paper thin!”

The J-Man smirked viciously. “I’d say it’s more like Kevlar. Easily twisted and impossible to rip apart.”

When all seemed lost to the poor ponies, Kant stepped in, ready to attack J-Man at his weak spot. “With all due respect Jesus, wouldn’t you say it’s rather hopeless to remain attached to your primitive expectation that all civilisation should look up to you?”

“What?” Jesus blurted, feeling suddenly offended by the word of Kant. “I’m Jesus, it’s a rule embedded in nature that I should be praised.”

“I’m not so sure.” Kant argued, crossing his legs. “I mean, how can you expect all nations to worship you when earth is having a hard enough time believing that you and your dad even exist?”

Jesus waved the attempt aside. “That’s irrelevant. Lack of faith is just what’s expected of foolish creatures. They’ll get what’s coming to them.”

Kant was relentless to support his argument further. “I’m just saying. We’ve had the cosmological argument, the ontological argument and most prominently, the teleological argument. All seemed reasonable by your standards, yet humans just don’t bow down to your divinity still. Hell, even I made an argument for your existence.” The room gasped at use of the ‘h’ word, an obnoxious sign in a philosophical debate.

A drop of sweat fell from JC’s forehead. He was progressively being backed into a corner as Kant’s flawless logic shifted into place. His own existence was defined a fallacy on earth. Furthermore, it was fictional in Equestria, no deity existed beyond Celestia, which was inadvertently the subject of debate.

“Yet the whole of humanity is slipping away into disbelief, and that’s because this movement has barely made a difference.” Kant metaphorically spat on the whole conference. He took Big Man JC down through exposing the lack of faith humanity had in the teachings of Christianity. “We can hardly force other worlds into our domain when we can’t even retain the allegiance of our own.”

“Kant!” Jesus responded angrily. “Don’t challenge me!”

Kant smiled, “there’s hardly anything wrong with letting a world dictated by a few princesses work in harmony. It’s not like it isn’t succeeding. The satisfaction rate in Equestria is more than twice ours.”

“But it’s immoral!” Jesus whined.

Twil stepped back into the debate. “Not by our standards.”

“My standards are your standards. We created you.”

The purple porny continued. “We’re ponies, not humans. Nowhere in the Bible did it say ‘ponies must obey’.”

“Have you even read the Bible?” Kant queried.

“Eh… probably.” Twilight muttered. “I’ve read a lot of books.”

The big man sighed, regretfully admitting defeat to the logic which challenged him. He had to admit, with Heaven’s overpopulation issues he was easily outnumbered whenever Kant’s logic arose, and new law dictated that they must do the greatest good for the greatest number. In this case, the pornies of Equestria were let off. Besides, did it really matter?

The two ponies left the company of Kant, removing the ‘logic’ perk from Twilight’s arsenal. They bid him farewell, thanking him for saving Equestria from the fate of missionaries and posters and leaflets.

Equestria’s saviour shook the hooves of Equestria’s princesses and waved goodbye. Upon that moment they were instantly teleported into one unexpected place: Sweet Apple Acres.

“Damn…” Celery cursed. “Never tab complete ‘apple’, there’s a lot of them.” She dashed off to Canterlot while Twilight was left in the orchard, standing up after the crash of falling upon tp.

Applejack stared in confusion. “What the-“

“AJ, we just saved Equestria.” Twilight cheered with enthusiasm.

The farmer was completely confused… “How?”

Twilight took a devious trot of joy with pride of what she had accomplished while in the company of her new friend. She was remarkably erratic, portraying more contentment than ever before. Finally she walked away nebulously, responding with one final word...

“Kant.”

The end