Celestia Kills Everypony Over a Sandwich

by That Twisted Brony

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1017

Luna does the unthinkable. Steals her sisters lunch.

It's lunchtime in the Canterlot Castle! However, Celestia becomes upset when she notices her sandwich is missing. Lets just say thing escalate. Quickly. This is a dark comedy and I expect you to be offended.

Published 2014-07-04 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-04 12:40:01 UTC

I expect you to dislike this.

     Let's be honest here, how many of you have ever wondered what would happen if Princess Celestia lost her temper. I'm not talking "Oh, darn it. I lost my favorite pen," I'm talking use her advanced magical powers and completely go bat shit crazy. Well, guess what, that just so seems to be happening right now. Let's tune in shall we?

     "Please let in the next appointment, I want to get this over with so I can go to lunch, I've got a delicious lettuce and tomato sandwich waiting on me," the princess ordered waving her hoof. "And SOMEPONY better not of stole it," she glared at her sister. Luna just shrank in her chair.

     As soon as she finished her statement the large golden doors opened up and a small colt came trotting in.

"Your Highness, it's come to my attention that there's too much governmental involvement in today's society," he said looking serious. The princess just raised an eyebrow and waited a moment. Once she realized that he WAS serious she simply nodded at a guard who continued to beat him to a pulp. Once the colt was a bloody puddle, the guard threw him of the balcony.

"Damn politicians," Celestia said arising from her throne. "I'm off to lunch," once she said that Luna looked to her sister.

"Uhm, perhaps we may allow one more patron in the throne room, yes?"

"Dear sister, please do Equestria a favor and just shut the fuck up," Luna cringed. She decided she should maybe go to her chambers in case things got bad. Spoilers... they are.

Celestia trotted into the royal kitchen. Bananas, cakes, and sweets of all kinds filled the refrigerator she looked into. She began shuffling through the contents only to notice her sandwich wasn't there. Oh, hell no, Celestia thought. Who would be so bold as to steal her sandwich? She double checked the fridge once more just to make sure. Nope. It was gone. Mother fucker. Rage filled her body, a rage she had not felt before. She tried to hold it in but the magic unleashed itself onto an unsuspecting chef. Insides spewed all over the wall, brains covered the chef next to what was left of the poor cook. And what was left was four hooves that stopped at the knees.

The second chef shook his head, "Please your highness, don't do th-," mid sentence his head was torn off and thrown into what ever they were cooking.

"LUNA!" Celestia screamed as her magic reached its maximum potential. Almost going what you would call super saiyan.  She teleported to the throne room in search of her sister. A few house keepers were cleaning the colt stain on the marble floor that had happened moments ago.

"Princess?! Are you all right?" she asked the enraged alicorn overlord.

"Where is my sister?" She demanded.

"I believe she retired to her room for the night," the maid cowered, "If you'd like to wait, I can fetch her,"

"no need," is all Celestia said before everypony in the room literally exploded. Yes, exploded. Like into a bazillion pieces.

The sun princess raged down the corridors killing anything in her path. The walls looked as if they were painted with blood. "LUNA!" she screamed once more as she tore the door off the hinges. The door WAS locked but that really didn't matter did it? "Why Luna? Why'd you take it? You know it was a foolish thing to do and now YOU SHALL PAY!" Before Luna could protest, Celestia ripped the wings from her spine and snapped her horn from her head. Luna yelped in great agony, almost sounding like a gerbil if you were to step on it.

"Sister, why?" is all she could say. The pain was too great. And the blood, oh my, so much blood. It was a wonder she didn't die from blood loss.

"You took my motha fuckin sandwich!" With that she enveloped Luna in magical energy and sent her to, you guessed it. The moon. This time, with out wings to fly back and a horn to create oxygen, the royal mare's head simply imploded.

Back in Equestria, Celestia had come to Ponyville. Her first stop? Why not Twilight Sparkle?

A knock tore Twilight away from a book she was reading. Imagine that, Twilight, reading a book. She answered her new castle door and saw the large mare before her covered in blood.

"Oh my gosh! Princess are you alright? What happened?"

"Twilight, can you do something for me?"

"Uhm, yeah sure?" With that Celestia ignited the purple alicorn.

"BURN!" she yelled as she flew into the sky. "Fillies and gentlecolts! As your princess I have come to the conclusion that you all must die," everypony stopped their lives and looked up at the enraged goddess. "And why not do it with the one thing you all have trusted for so long?" With a wave of her horn, she enveloped the sun with a magic aurora and slowly brought the ball of burning gas toward the planet. "Goodbye to all. Oh, and remember, DON'T STEAL MY FOOD!" and as fast as Rainbow Dash could fap, the world ended. Yep that's it. Gone. Everyone dead.

Celestia awoke in her chambers with a gasp. "My what a strange dream!" She looked around her room. Everything looked good, no fire or death. "it was a dream," she made a 'phew' sound.

Celestia traveled down the halls of the castle saying good morning to everypony she saw along the way. She entered the royal kitchen in hopes for a delicious breakfast.

"Good morning your highness!" a cook pony called out as he stirred a great smelling concoction.

"And to you too," Celestia replied happily. But that happiness slowly faded as she searched the fridge. It seemed that her morning breakfast sandwich was gone. "Has anypony seen my sandwich?" she asked.

"No ma'am, we did see Princess Luna earlier. Maybe she knows?" another pony answered. Celestia then knew what had happened.

Oh, hell no.