As the minutes ticked closer to opening, two unicorn stallions prepared for their next performance. They were accustomed to public appearances, but they still had butterflies in their stomachs. No matter how many times they faced the public, there were always butterflies. Fortunately, they both thought, I don’t have to face them alone.
One of the stallions finished giving a last buff to his hooves, glanced over at his partner in crime, who was adjusting his clothing, and shook his head. “Who would have thought you’d sink so low as wearing a dress?”
“Well,” the other stallion pointed out, “you’re wearing one too.”
“It looks better on me, though,” insisted the first stallion. “Your mustache clashes.”
“A gown is a gown,” retorted the second, “no matter who’s wearing it. Thank goodness we got rid of the wigs.”
They both shuddered. “Pity to cover up a snappy mane like mine, don’t you think?”
“Of course I do. It looks the same as mine. Restrained but dapper. Yes, it looks fine,” he added, at his partner’s inquiring look. “And mine?”
“Not a strand out of place. Tie?”
“Perfect. Tie?”
“Ditto.”
They clicked their hooves together in what was evidently some complex good luck gesture only known to themselves. “Onward, brother o’ mine.”
“Onward!”
They squared their shoulders, the wide wooden double doors were flung open, and a voice cried, “Be upstanding for the Right Honorable Justices Flim and Flam.”
~~
The courtroom was packed. Rows of gleaming oak benches were filled with ponies jammed cutie mark to cutie mark. The gallery was also full, with fillies and colts leaning over the railing, gawking and having to be held back by their parents. While some of those present were clearly plaintiffs, defendants, and their attorneys, and some were photographers and journalists, most were visitors and some, in fact, were unmistakably tourists. Almost everypony was dressed for an outing, focusing binoculars and chatting excitedly, except for a couple in simple traveling cloaks and hoods, seated quietly at the very back of the gallery. Most ordinary courts didn’t attract spectators for anything other than the most high profile cases, and most justices didn’t have fans. But this was no ordinary courtroom, and these were no ordinary justices.
Everypony rose to his or her feet as the two justices, clad in their black robes, made their way to the center of the courtroom floor. They stopped, turned sharply so that they were back to back, and each raised a hoof to his chin, as though lost in contemplation.
“Be seated,” called the usher. The crowd took their seats, murmuring with anticipation. Somepony hissed “shhh!” as the twin magistrates turned towards a large oak cabinet on the courtroom wall to their right. Their horns glowed green, sending out a double jet of magic, and slowly, the cabinet began unfolding itself, shelves flopping open, doors swinging outwards, and an immense apparatus of pipes, drums and trumpets rising majestically from the floor, until it was revealed as a magnificent band organ, painted in gay colors and trimmed with gold. Small wooden figures of earth ponies were arranged along the front, posed as though about to blow horns or clash cymbals between their hooves.
Justice Flim started the crank turning with a blast of magic, enough to keep it turning on its own, while Justice Flam sparked the boiler that produced the steam. They waited for the machine to pick up, beginning its tooting, slightly brassy melody. Then they turned to face the courtroom, took a deep breath—
And burst into song.
Oh. We’re. The—
Justices Flim
The Justices Flam,
The Justices Flim-Flam-Flim;
There’s none can be upright as me,
Though not quite as upright as him;
And no matter the matter that comes before me—
—And me!
You can trust our utter impartialiteeee.
—they sang, stretching their front legs—Flam’s left, Flim’s right—in a gesture that encompassed the whole of the courtroom and suggested the broad horizon.
“Now we know everypony here is anticipating a fascinating and scintillating day in court!” Justice Flim exclaimed over the mechanical music, strolling up to and addressing the ponies pressed together on the closest bench.
“Dramatic and ecstatic and more fantastical than any show or sport!” Justice Flam chimed in, pointing to the back benches.
Justice Flim went on, “But what everypony should be asking themselves is—”
“Is it logical?”
“Is it legal?”
“Is it ethical?”
“And, above all . . .”
“Is it fair?” they said in unison, and each wrapped one front leg around the other’s shoulders.
Oh. We’re. The—
Justices Flam,
The Justices Flim,
The Justices Flam-Flim-Flam;
There’s none can be erudite as me,
—Unless, of course, I am;
And no matter the matter that comes before me—
—And me!
You can trust our utter impartialiteeee.
They performed a buck and wing step, black judicial robes billowing around them, and then shuffle-stepped to the side and around the back of the judicial bench, where they stood side by side.
“Will the parties in the first case please approach the bench?” asked Justice Flam. A stallion, a mare, and the attorneys representing them came forward.
Justice Flim cleared his throat, “Do you swear that whatever you attest to is the unquestionable . . .”
“Indubitable . . .”
“Incontestable truth?”
Justice Flam sang:
Oh, you must learn fairness as a twin,
You must learn equity,
It’s been our guiding principle
Since our nativity.
And when we gained our cutie marks
We knew what we must do,
We’d live our sense of fairness
And pass it on to you.
Justice Flim picked up the melody:
And that is what we’ve come today to share,
That what is fair is fair is fair is—
“Fairrrrrr,” they sang together.
“Are you the plaintiff?” Justice Flam asked the mare, as the music continued to play.
“I am.”
“And what is the nature of your complaint?”
She pointed at the stallion next to her. “He said I wear tail extensions!”
The justices looked at each other. “We regret to say that’s not usually an actionable offense.”
“He said it in a newspaper! I’m suing for libel! A thousand bits for muddying my good name! I’m a model. I have a reputation to protect.”
“And what have you to say to that?” Justice Flim asked the stallion.
“I’m a gossip columnist. I saw her buying them. Look at her tail. You’re judges. Tell me what you think.”
They looked at the plaintiff, who was frantically trying to fold up her tail, but even so, it was clearly many times the length of her body.
“So you contend that what you printed, while unflattering, was the truth?”
“Yes. And even if it wasn’t, a thousand bits! My gosh!”
“He can’t prove I’m using them!”
The justices frowned.
“A difficult question!”
“Quite the conundrum!” they said, placing their hooves together, and rubbing them. “Hmmmm,” they added in unison.
They began floating large legal tomes towards themselves, flipping rapidly through their pages, as the music continued to vamp underneath.
“In section 4 subsection B viii in the relevant ordinances of Canterlot, you’ll note,
There is a provision that quote any person or personages may sue for the defamation of character unquote,” said Justice Flim.
“Contrarywise, there is also legal precedent in Butterscotch v. Lil’ Tot,
That compensation in any questionable case can be overridden if it seems to be quite a lot,” countered Justice Flam.
“Character, brother o’mine, character is worth more than gold.”
“That’s true,
But a thousand bits seems to be considerably more than is due.”
“The parties will now hear our judgment on this case!” announced Justice Flim.
He’ll clear your name,
You’ll drop your claim,
And consider the matter ended.
We agree with you
He can’t prove that you
Have had your tail extended.
But to sue for a thousand bits over a mass of hair,
That wouldn’t be,
Couldn’t possibly be—
“Fair,” they chorused.
“Do the honors, Flam!”
“With pleasure, Flim!”
Flim flipped the gavel over to Flam, who brought it down with a bang. “Next case!”
The entire courtroom burst into song.
They’re the Justices Flim,
The Justices Flam,
The Justices Flim-Flam-Flim;
There’s none can be upright as he,
Unless of course it’s him;
The Justices continued.
And no matter the matter that comes before me—
—And me!
You can trust our utter impartialiteeeee.
“Will the parties in the second case please approach the bench?” asked Justice Flim. Two stallions and a mare came forward.
Justice Flim cleared his throat, “Do you swear that whatever you attest to is the unquestionable. . .”
“Indubitable . . .”
“Incontestable truth?”
“I do,” said the mare. “It’s like this. I’m Peachy, and this is Gingerbread, and this is Ribbon. Gingerbread came to me last week and asked me to be his special somepony, and I said ‘ok, I’ll think about it.’ Then Ribbon came to me and asked me the same thing, and now I’m all kinds of confused.”
Both justices leaned forward to get a better look at the mare. They considered her for a long moment.
“And which stallion do you prefer, young filly?”
“That’s just it,” stammered Peachy, blushing. “I don’t. I can’t choose between them. I like them both, but I know I’ve got to send one away and break his heart and I just don’t want to.”
“A difficult question!”
“Quite the conundrum!” said the twin justices, placing their hooves together and rubbing them as they had done before. “Hmmmm.”
They began levitating more books towards themselves. Before they had finished, Flam whispered something in Flim’s ear, Flim nodded, and the books abruptly crashed to the ground.
“The parties will now hear our judgment in this case!” announced Justice Flam.
Justice Flim cleared his throat.
My brother and I
Agree without contradiction
That in matters of the heart—
—And other parts—
—This court has no jurisdiction.
—Young filly, whether you choose him or him
—Or the pair, Justice Flim sang quietly,
Remember to be,
Endeavor to be
Fair.
“Yes, you’ll have to work this one out for yourselves,” Justice Flam announced cheerfully. “Do the honors, Flim!”
“With pleasure, Flam!”
Flam flipped the gavel over to Flim, who brought it down with a bang. “Next case!”
The entire courtroom burst into song again.
Oh, they’re the Justices Flam . . .
A brilliantly blue Pegasus in a pith helmet and some sort of monster appeared to be next in line.
The couple in traveling cloaks that had been quietly seated at the very back of the gallery slipped out, unnoticed. They trotted down the staircase in silence, and the taller of the two, a stallion with a coat of such a dark grey that it was almost black, led the way into a quiet, darkened hallway, just out of sight of the courthouse door. His companion followed, a shaft of sunlight briefly reflecting off a white hind leg and a floating, multicolored pastel tail, before she, too, disappeared into the shadows.
They burst out laughing.
“Oh, they’re delightful!” exclaimed the mare in gentle, musical tones that did not at all resemble the brouhaha still going on upstairs. “Sombra, do they really do that every day?”
The stallion levitated off the hood of his cloak, revealing a strikingly attractive face, and a short, wavy blue and black mane, held back by a simple diadem. “Yes, they do,” he said, still laughing. “They’re unique in my country’s history. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they were unique throughout every court in the multiverse. I want to see your face, Celestia,” he added, in a more sober tone. “Heaven knows I don’t get to do it often. I think we’re safe here.”
He gently levitated her hood back. A blush still stained her cheeks, glowing through the white of her coat, and making it appear a delicate pink. He gazed at her as though he were memorizing every feature, although he already knew them by heart.
She dropped her eyes. “We were talking about the Justices, I think.”
“Oh! Justices Flim and Flam! I suppose it’s possible to get tired of the musical numbers, although personally I usually still find them entertaining. The important thing is that nopony has worked harder to reform the justice system than those two. They argue both sides so quickly and so thoroughly, and they have such a sterling reputation for fairness, that everypony feels satisfied, even if the judgment wasn’t in their favor. That’s what ponies need: fair treatment and faith in justice. A monarch couldn’t ask for more from a subject. I’m very proud of them both.” He smiled at the alicorn princess before him. “I’m sure you understand.”
“Absolutely,” said Princess Celestia.
He glanced down the hallway to ensure that nopony was coming, and levitated their hoods back over their heads. “Come, then,” he said, courteously indicating that she should precede him, and following her to the door. “I’m glad you were amused, but let’s not waste a whole beautiful day cooped up in a courthouse. It’s a perfect morning to spend in the castle gardens, and I can’t think of a more perfect pony to spend it with.”
As they walked towards the castle, he added, “I do sometimes worry, however, what would have happened if Flim and Flam hadn’t decided to use their abilities for good.”
Author's Note
Those of you who have been keeping up with the comic books know that the current story arc, “Reflections,” is possibly the most interesting yet. Celestia’s history! The truth about Starswirl the Bearded! Celestia’s romantic past—a canon ship, no less! (Canon to the comics, at least.)
Still, nothing fascinated me more than these guys.
I’m sure some were taken by Alicorn Princess Trixie, the Element of Humility, and cute bespectacled Chrysalis, the Element of Love, but I was instantly intrigued by Justices Flim and Flam, the Elements of Fairness. I had to see them at work in their courtroom, singing and dancing. And now I have. And so have you.
Good Sombra/Celestia deserve a little love, too.
