Enlightening Equestria

"Hello students."

"Hello, Professor Rogers."

Oh, the enthusiasm of youth.

"I have been told that you Equus-dwellers know next to nothing about atoms, energy and the basic laws of physics so I have come here to show you the wonderful science of Chemistry!  I'm sure you'll find it enjoyable and interesting."

"Yes Professor Rogers."

A student in the front row raised her hand.  Hoof.  It takes a while to get use to Equus's terminology.  She was one he actually recognized; the purple pony princess on the television and disturbing youtube videos.

"Yes purple pony princess."

"It's Twilight Sparkle."

"Fine.  Yes purple pony princess of sparkles."

"Not 'of sparkles', just Twilight Sparkle."

"Yes purple pony princess of sparkly twilights."

"No, just-, never mind."

"Yes purple pony princess of sparkles and twilight, I'm aware you ponies are into your strange titles, but what was your question?"

"Oh!  Um... I've forgotten now."

*Sigh of frustration*  "Alright, anyway the first thing you need to know about chemistry is- what is it pony princess Sparkle of purple twilights?"

"I've remembered what my question was."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"And?"

"Well, it's just that Princess Celestia is the princess of ponies.  Well, I guess all pony princesses are of ponies but, you know what?  Never mind, just forget I raised my hoof."

"Thank you purple princess of sparkly twilight ponies for that oh so worth the time question."  The relief.  "Now, Chemistry-  WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU INSOLENT STUDENT?!?" referring to another student.

"What is Chemistry the study of?"

"That's what I was gonna say!"

"Shut up Princess of ponies, purple, sparkles, and twilight!"

"What did I do?"

*Sigh of greater frustration than before*  "I'm gonna quit teaching."

"Chemistry is the study of chemistry now sit you're cute little pony butt down now."

The class erupted into murmurs of "Why do I always get the crazy ones?" and "What's his problem?" and "I hate Chemistry!"

"Okay, the first thing you need to know about chemistry is-"

"Okay class, before I ask if there are any questions, I need you to know a few things:

One, everything you know is wrong.

Two, in this room, my word is law.  In this building, my word is an execution sentence except in this room.  I do not speak much outside of this room.

Three, your pony princesses do not, in fact, raise the sun and the moon.

Four, you will think I hate you before long.  This is because I despise you all.  As ponies, you might think this not to be true.  Give it time.

Five, only 1/4 of you pass my class.  The only people/whatever the heck you are called that pass are the people who are better than the bottom three fourths.

Six, screw you all.

And that is the beginning of your first astrology class!  I've enjoyed it far more than I thought I would so far.  Now any questions?"

One brave griffon in the room raised a quivering talon.

"What is it?"

"Um-"

"Let me stop you there, never say um in my class.  Okay, go on."

"... Wh-"

"Stop stop stop.  all of you, never ever ask me a question in this class, if you do you will be expelled from this university.  Good thing you didn't finish that, eh?"

"Yes sir."

"I like this dude!  You are now going to be the first one I ask to tell the answer to my questions!  Congratulations, this is a great honor for you!"

The look of horror on his face was priceless to the teacher.

"Uh, thanks."

"Never say 'Uh' either.  And 'thanks sir'.

"Thanks sir."

"I really like this guy!"

He never even said his name.

Luna and Celestia were in that class.  They were scared stiff too.

"I'm Faith Freeze!  You can call me Faith, Ms. Freeze, or miss *fff*.  Welcome to biology kids!  This is where you learn everything about how living things work!  Isn't that wonderful?!  Learning all about little critters and plants?"

The students were looking pretty happy and hopeful at this point.

"I've been told that this class is everyone's favorite because of the dissections we get to do and all the videos of lions hunting zebras!"

There were a few zebra in that class.  Most of  them ran furiously to a trash can like they were the ones with a lion after them, looking a bit green.

"Yes yes, I know, amazing isn't it!"

Cadence was in that one.

"Welcome to Rrobotics lads and lassies!  I am prrofessorr Barrclay.  Now-  Eh!  Put tha' down!"

A minotaur in the class had picked up a robotic arm.  He carefully put it back down with a confused look on his face.  Which is pretty funny on a minotaur.

"Anyway, Rrobotics is a class dedicated to learrin' and usin', tha's rrigh', rrobots!"

"What's a robot"

"Wha'?  Did I hea' ye rright lassie?  Ye say ye don' know wha' a rrobot is?  Well, tha's wha' Ah'm 'ere for!  A rrobot is one a 'ose things o'er there."

He pointed toward a robotic arm which he then activated, making it wave at the student.

"AH!"

"Ah, calm down.  It won' hurrt ya.  It won' do not'in withou' meh tellin' it to.  Is jus' some harrdware with a bi' o' software with a contrrol, tha's all."

For some reason, many of the minotaurs in the room perked up while all the other species just seemed ready to pass out.

"'Courrse, y'all 'll be learrnin' more basic stuff beforre we get to this level, first thing you'll be doin' with yer hands er whate'er 'll be some solderrin'!"

Some of the other species perked up and the minotaurs seemed a bit more let down.

"What's soldering?"

"Ah, tha's just some met'lwerrk."

The majority of the minotaurs seemed ready to rocket into the air.

"Hello," the short and thin looking teacher said.  He was about 5 feet high and looked to have no muscle mass what so ever.

There was a series of greeting from the class.  They were all outside in front of some targets with a table with a ton of pistols on it.

"Yes, good.  I'll be your self-defense and arms teacher, most of my students call me the peace maker."

The whole class seemed pretty confused, several held their frontal appendages up in the air.

"Yes, white ripped pegasus, what's your name?"

"Bulk Biceps, SIR."

"What is your question?"

"Why are you called the peace maker, SIR?"

For the first time, the teacher looked something other than puny, proudly holding a face that was rather smug.

"I'll get to that in a second."

The majority of the frontal appendages went back to the ground.

"How about you, white unicorn with the blue hair."

"Shining Armor.  How did you're government actually approve for a class on your world's weapons and defense training?"

"If I had to guess, a typo somewhere."

"Oh."

He answered the rest of the questions.

"Okay, since you all seem to be dieing to know, people call me the peace maker for multiple reasons and I'll show you one every day, and for today this is it.  Someone time me."

He picked up a pistol from the rack and shot every target straight in the head within 12 seconds, hitting a bulls eye every time.  There were 20 human-silhouette targets and the gun had 10 bullets a round.

Everyone in the yard besides the teacher and Shining Armor was cowering behind something somewhere, the majority behind the rack, not knowing what this strange creature with his strange weapon had just done.  Bulk Biceps was hiding behind Shining Armor.  It looked exactly like what it sounds like.