This was it. Her first night alone in a month, since her mother had been diagnosed with a serious and lethal illness. She was unsure of what the disease actually was, since she was too scared to study it. She did find a book about it a week ago, but even just by looking at it, her heart started racing. The day after her mother was sent to the hospital, her father had been sleeping over for the next 9 days. It made her feel a little more comfortable, that she knew she had someone to support her. After the 9 days, he could no longer stay. He had to move on with his life and with his work.
The other 21 days she had been comforted by Spike. Though it was not the same as her father, she still felt somewhat safe. She always had trouble sleeping, but that was merely because she was always thinking too much before falling asleep. Not about something serious, just some small worries she had about her future. She had figured a lot of ponies felt that way, so she didn't really talk about.
But now... now it had all changed. It was 10 pm. Around the time she would normally go to bed and fall asleep around 11:30 p.m. She was standing up, looking out the window. Spike was no longer sleeping next to her. He had gone to a dragon school. A school where the young dragons stay all week and only come back home during weekends. It was Monday. She had to sleep by herself, until it became Friday evening. Normally it wouldn't be a problem, but for reasons she thought she knew; it was.
“Come on Twilight. Go to bed and fall asleep” she told herself. She had a worried expression and her whole body felt uneasy. She finally forced herself away from the window and lied down on her bed, over the covers. She tried closing her eyes for a minute, but thoughts immediately stormed into her mind.
“What if my mother doesn't make it?” her heart began pounding faster.
“Would I be able to handle that?” she could slowly feel the warmth around her.
“Will I ever be able to sleep again?” she could feel something building. Something unsettling.
A final thought passed through her mind. “What if I freak out?”
Suddenly it hit her. She was forced up from her laying positing with her eyes wide open and her body in full panic mode. Her fear was no longer about her mother. It was about herself.
“Calm down Twilight. You will gain nothing from worrying!” she spoke out to herself.
She knew her fear was irrational, but it was still there. Why was it still there?
She looked down on her legs, breathing heavily. She tried focusing on her legs and only on her legs, but it was like her eyes weren't interested. It was like... they were looking into her mind. Every fiber in her being only focused on the fear. She shut her eyes closed.
“Why can't I calm down? WHY?!” Her mind screamed.
She felt like a different pony. A pony that didn't belong in this world, but rather was stuck in this world. Her heart was beating faster than ever, while sweat was appearing on her forehead. The hair on her neck began rising. This was without a doubt the worst feeling she had ever experienced. It was almost like... she was dying.
“But there is nothing here that can hurt me. It's all in your head!” Twilight tried to convince herself. Even though her words were true, her mind didn't listen.
“Okay, get a fucking grip!” she yelled in her mind.
She forced herself to lay down once again and began trying to think of other things.
“It seems like summer is approaching. I saw a bird singing today, it was blue and had a beautiful pair of wings” it helped. Her main focus had been drawn away, but there was still something in the back of her mind, that wouldn't go away. Like her brain had split into 2 different sections. One trying to think normal thoughts and one that was trying to make you go insane. No matter what she did, the fear, the panic was still there. There was no escape from this horrible feeling. Just like that, her main focus was forced back to her previous worries. “Goddammit!” she yelled as silently as she could. “I can't make it go away” she kept thinking.
Again, a thought passed through her mind, giving a tiny bit of comfort.
“Okay, if you just get through the night, you'll be better tomorrow” that way of thinking calmed her down, but only for a few seconds as her freaked out mind almost counter attacked that exact thought.
“But what if it won't get better in the morning? What if I still feel this way? I can't live that way, I just can't!” she looked around. A feeling she had never had before showed up at the worst possible timing. A feeling of claustrophobia.
It was not her room that caused it. Not even the house. It was the world. She was stuck in the whole damn world. A thought she knew had to come sooner or later, began flashing in her head. “Suicide” and then the devious circle began. The thought of suicide freaked her even more out, making her feel even worse, thus making it seem like an even better option. She shook her head and tried her best to focus on something else for as long as she could. “Okay. You are so worried about going insane, that that exact thought actually makes you insane. It's a circle. It's a circle you have to break. If you do that... you can calm down”
The word “calm” made her recall the days before her mother was diagnosed with the disease. How she had a somewhat normal life. At least a normal mental life. Though she did worry from time to time, it was not like this. It was something rational. Something you could do something about.
But now... now everything was different. She looked at the time. 10:35. The brief period of thinking back had unknowingly caused her body to relax. A glimpse of hope appeared as she could see it actually was possible to make the feeling go away. Though it was very brief, it wasn't impossible. It was a battle. A battle she fought the next 2 hours. The fear was winning most of the time, but at 00:40 a.m. her body was so tired that even just 20 seconds of being calm, made her fall asleep. The feeling had disappeared for now. If it would return in the morning she couldn't know. Such small things can change once life forever.
As the next few days passed, the battle was still going, but she had learned to accept the battle. The nights were still horrible, but she felt something as well... as sense of pride and hope, as she could feel it was going in the right direction. For every night that passed, she felt stronger. She finally got the courage to talk about it with her friends and family. Knowing somebody cared was a help through those long nights. She took some advice and began getting her life in order. She would wake up at a specific time, eat properly to ease the body and she even started going to bed within the same hour every night, creating a patteren in her life, giving her body a natural tiredness. Fear never truly goes away, but you can learn to not make it control your life. To not make actions based on the fear. She had heard it before, but know she began to understand it... Ultimately you know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.
Author's Note
Thank you for reading. This story is very personal and was very hard to write. If you have anxiety or suffer from panic attacks; please trust me, it will get better. I've been through it myself and I know how truly horrible it is, but you can and will eventually beat it. I wish you the best of luck.
