The Very Confused Mind of a Sorta-mature Filly
Sparky was asleep. Her fur was all rumpled and it stuck out in a lot of places, and sometimes her mane did that, too. She was on her back, her front legs folded against her chest and back legs laying out limply. There wasn’t anything to listen to except her snoring, which is something she always said she didn’t do. But she did, and I’d prove it to her some day.
Mommy was sleeping, too. Mommy was a pretty mare. She had pretty eyes and a pretty mane and she also had a really pretty voice. She used to sing to me when I had nightmares, back when we lived in the city. I didn’t really remember much from when we lived there, and I couldn’t really remember the songs, but I remembered her voice. She didn’t sing much anymore.
But tonight, Mommy didn’t look so pretty. She had lots of dark, wet, muddy spots on her that were almost dry. One of her eyes had a dark ring of purple on it, almost as if she’d put too much eye shadow on it. But it couldn’t have been that, because Mommy hasn't worn makeup in a long time.
She also hasn’t talked in a long time. Well, actually it was only a couple hours, but it felt like a long time. Mommy always talked, no matter what, and that’s how I knew something was wrong. Okay, I knew there was something wrong when she came home, and because Sparky and Auto had been yelling at each other about hospitals and what would happen if Mommy didn’t ‘make it’, whatever that means.
That didn’t really scare me, though, because Mommy was gonna be okay, and you know why? Because she’s Mommy, and Mommy was always okay. She got mad sometimes and she got sick, but she always got better. What did scare me was Auto saying he would ‘end it’.
And then he’d looked at the stick. At first I didn’t get it, but once Sparky looked at me, and I saw how scared she looked, I realized what he meant. He wanted to end Mommy.
So if ‘end it’ meant to… kill, then did ‘make it’ mean to live? So, they were talking about what would happen if Mommy didn’t live, I guess. Sparky said she’d take care of me if that happened, but Auto just laughed at her, which was weird because I don’t think Sparky was telling a joke. Man, grown ups are weird.
I let out a really long breath and stood up to stretch. My back was hurting after sitting still next to Mommy for so long. Sparky said that cold air could make your bones hurt, so I guess that was why. It was usually kind of warm in the Building, but it wasn’t anymore. I guess it was because winter had finally come. There wasn’t any snow yet, but there didn’t need to be. Just the wind alone felt like ice.
I shivered as I stretched my legs. Moving did warm me up a little, but not very much. I frowned at the open window that was right beside me, Mommy, and Sparky. Stupid window.
Then, suddenly, I had a great idea! I’d use my blanket from upstairs to cover the window so the wind wouldn’t come in. That was smart, Mommy always said I was smart. I giggled and ran to the stairs. I hopped up them really fast, even Sparky wouldn’t have been able to keep up!
I stopped hopping when I got to the first door in the hallway. That was Auto’s room, and nopony went in Auto’s room. I peeked my head in a little and squinted my eyes, trying to see him. The window into his room was blocked by trees, so the moonlight didn’t go through. I could barely see his fatness under the blanket.
I gulped and walked away quickly. I didn’t like Auto. He was mean, scary, and smelly. He didn’t have happy eyes like Mommy’s or smart eyes like Sparky. His eyes were mean and they made me shiver. I told Mommy about how I didn’t like him, and she snorted and told me that all stallions made her feel that way, which scared me because there were lots of stallions in Equestria.
I snuck past the second room: Sparky’s room. Even though it was the smallest of all the rooms, I liked it the best. There something about its size that I liked, and it kinda felt safe. It was also really warm in there. When I told Sparky it was warm, she looked at me weird and said I had bees in my brain, but I swear it’s true. Plus, I never heard any buzzing.
Finally, I got to the third room: mine and Mommy’s room. I ran in and yanked my blanket off the floor and started dragging it toward the door, but it got hung on something. I dropped the blanket and sighed as I looked back. There was a lump under it. I walked over to the lump and lifted the blanket. I giggled and pulled out the stuffed rabbit.
“Mr. Morty you can’t be under there!” I giggled. ‘Morty’ was short for ‘Mortgage’, but when I told Mommy what his name was, she got all sad and told me to change it. As far as she knows, I did change it, but nope! It’s just shorter now.
Sparky said ‘Morty’ was a weird name for a bunny, but when I told her what his full name was, she frowned and laughed really weird. She does that a lot. Anyway, the big reason I’d named him Mortgage in the first place was because I used to hear Mommy and her friends talk about it in their private conversations, and I liked how it sounded. It was weird that Mommy always sounded sad when she said it, though, ‘cause I think it’s cool.
I put Mr. Morty back into the corner of the room and picked the blanket up again. I dragged it down the hallway, past Sparky and Auto’s rooms, and down the stairs. I tripped on the blanket a few times when I went down there, but I think I did good, anyway. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone was awake to make fun of me.
I made it back downstairs and my happiness from before ran away. Mommy looked really bad. I know I said I wasn’t scared before, but now I was. The moon had moved and the light came in from the window, and now I could see Mommy better than before..
The dark wet spots weren’t mud, like I’d thought. They were blood, and her leg looked really weird. The eye with purple on it was really big and puffy, and her wings were missing feathers.
Mommy looked very bad.
I could feel myself about to start crying and I sniffed really hard and gripped the blanket tighter in my mouth. I whipped away from Mommy and went to the window. I stood on my back hooves and tried to get the top of the blanket to the top of the window. I wasn’t tall enough, though, and the top of the blanket just fell over my head.
“C’mon…” I whined. I grunted and stretched as far as I could. My hooves couldn’t even reach half way up! If only my stupid little wings would work! Then I could get the blanket up and Mommy would be warm.
I lost my balance and fell. I squeaked when I hit the ground and groaned. My foreleg hurt a little, now. The blanket fell with me and over my body. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. This was all wrong! Mommy was hurt, Auto was mean, and I was too little to do anything! Stupid me! I pushed the blanket off of me and crawled back to Mommy. I was crying now, but I didn’t care. Nopony could see me.
I put my hooves on Mommy and put my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Mommy!” I cried. I hiccupped when I talked. “I’m sorry I’m too little!” I swallowed and cried into Mommy’s fur. My stomach and throat hurt and I couldn’t breathe. I’d never cried like this before.
I took a deep, shaky breath. “Please don’t be ended, Mommy! Don’t let Auto end you!”
I heard Sparky mumble in her sleep, but she didn’t wake up. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Mommy always took deep breaths, and it always helped her. I put my hooves back on the floor and stared at her. For my whole life, Mommy was the one who looked after me. she cooked, she cleaned, she bought me toys. She yelled sometimes, but she said she only did ‘cause she loved me, and I loved her just as much.
And what did I ever do? Cry? Eat? Play? That never helped her.
I stared at Mommy for a long time. I stared at the blood, and I stared at her twisted leg.
“I’ll do something good, Mommy,” I said, real quietly. “I promise.”
I sat there for a long, long time, just taking deep breaths before finally getting up. I walked over to the blanket and picked it up again. I sighed and started dragging it back upstairs; Mommy would be mad if I left it down here.
Up the stairs, past the rooms, and into our room. I set the blanket down and looked at Mr. Morty with a frown. He made Mommy sad.
I picked up Mr. Morty and carried him to the window. I got up on my hind legs and held him in my hooves. “Sorry, buddy.” I said with a tiny, sad smile. I dropped him, and he fell down, down, down.
I hopped down from the window and walked back out the room, back through the hallway, back down the stairs. I walked quietly past Mommy and over to Sparkler. My whole body hurt. I laid down and put my head on her soft tummy and closed my eyes.
I’ll be useful tomorrow.
Author's Note
A short little story to give you some insight into the mind of Lilac.
As always, a thanks to my beautiful prereaders: ChopSuey, Luminary, devas, and Swiftest Shadow!