Better Lairs and Landscaping

by Titanium Dragon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tirek, Comedy, Derpy Hooves
Length: 5698

Tirek's free subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping nearly led to the end of Equestria as we know it.

Tirek's free subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping magazine nearly led to the end of Equestria as we know it.

Published 2014-06-01 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-01 22:10:01 UTC

Day 371094

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day indeed." He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage, but as with the last hundred thousand times, so it was with this; the bars held, unmoved by his strength and power.

He laughed bitterly. Strength and power indeed; he had grown old and weak. Without magic to sustain him, locked away in a cell that sapped away his power by the day, time was his greatest enemy. His brother had abandoned him, and the ponies had left him here to rot. They would not kill him; they did not need to. Time would do their dirty work for them.

"No! I, Lord Tirek, refuse to die here, alone and forgotten!" He grasped the bars in his hands and pulled, but they held fast, not shifting even a hair. The watchdog, Cerberus, did not even turn to see if its charge was escaping. Lord Tirek's lips curled as he leered at himself in disgust; so pathetic, his guardian did not even need to guard against his escape.

"Foolish dog. When I am gone, what will Celestia do with you then? What will become of you?" He reached his arm out of the cage to shake his fist down at the beast, but it paid him no mind; it had been a long time since it had snapped at his fingers every time he reached out.

It mattered not. Someday, Lord Tirek would escape, and those ponies would pay for what they had done. He would have their magic, and they would cower at his hooves, begging him for—

"Hello!"

He stumbled backwards from the bars of his prison at the sound of a voice that was not his own. His head turned, eyes flickering as they scanned the heavens for the source, only to focus on a gray mare hovering just over the top of his cage.

"Ah, what is this?" Tirek's eyes narrowed at her from beneath his cloak. "A pegasus, come to see me? Is she here to mock? Or help?"

"Uhm," the mare said, landing outside of the cage and poking at the smooth stone with her hoof. He could see there was something wrong with her; a certain cast to her eyes. One focused here, the other there, as if she could not decide where to look. "Nope! Mail!"

"Mail?" Tirek stepped forward as the mare bent her head back, nosing through her saddlebags before pulling out a thin pamphlet, almost like a book. "You traveled to Tartarus, passed by the three-headed guardian at the gates of Hades, simply to deliver... this?"

"Yup!" she said, the thing tumbling from her mouth, falling, fetching up against the side of the cage, the mare looking mournful as she stared down at it. What a useless creature.

Shaking his head, he leaned forward, reaching out between the bars to grasp the thing between his fingers, pulling it inside. The cover was a beautiful thing, a picture of a garden, alive with flowers of yellow, blue, and white, shimmering in the dull light of the underworld.

"Lairs and Landscaping?" he muttered, his eyes flicking across the cover.

"Oops! I was supposed to give you this."

Lord Tirek looked up; she had a small card grasped in her mouth, covered in fine, neatly printed writing. He leaned forward to take it from her, holding it up, flipping it around in his hand.

Congratulations Mr. LORD TIREK! You have won a free one-year subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping, Equestria's premier magazine on better living! Ponies all across Equestria subscribe to Better Lairs and Landscaping to improve the look and value of their homes. The experts on our writing staff have years of expertise working to improve the finest palaces in all of Equestria. From Sapphire Shores' summer home in Las Pegasus to the Royal Palace in Canterlot, our staff can help you with inexpensive tips and tricks...

"Is this foolishness what passes for humor amongst ponies?" Lord Tirek roared as he hurled the magazine back towards the pegasus, the folded pages making a loud thump as they struck the bars. The mailmare squeaked, stumbling backwards before taking to the air. "I will not be mocked!"

The mailmare stumbled away from the cage, tripping over her own hooves before righting herself and quickly fleeing as Lord Tirek raged.

Day 371124

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out not across the hellish landscape, but at the smoky skies. "Where is that pony?" he muttered to himself, before looking back down at the crumpled magazine in his hands, flipping slowly through page after page before settling on the last one.

Next month, join us as we go inside Celestia's palace and see the beautiful architecture and stained glass windows, including the most recent works by Comfort Glass.

"Those ponies and their idiotic names," Lord Tirek snorted. "Comfort Glass? I doubt it is the glass they find comfort in."

The flapping of wings drew his attention, head snapping up as the gray pegasus landed far beyond the walls of his prison, peering cautiously inside with her wall-eyed stare.

"Ah, you have returned." Lord Tirek rose to his hooves, striding towards the edge of his cage. "I believe you have something that belongs to me," he said, rubbing his fingers together as he slid his arm out between the bars.

The pegasus hesitated for a moment before reaching back into her saddlebags, pulling out another magazine – oh, how its cover shone. She took a step forward, then another, slowly leaning forward, her wings spread wide as if expecting to take flight at any moment.

"Excellent," he said, his fingers closing around his prize. The pegasus let go of the magazine the moment his fingers brushed against it, quickly springing into the air and flying away from his cage. Tirek smirked. "She is wise to fear me," he said to himself as he settled back into his cell, his eyes focusing on the cover as he held it before him before freezing in shock.

"'Equestria's Most Beautiful Tulip Garden'? What is this nonsense? They promised me the interior of Canterlot Castle!" Lord Tirek ground his teeth together, his grip tightening on the shiny pamphlet, the dull reflection of the light of Tartarus dancing across the cover as his hands shook. "A month, for tulips?"

His hands shaking, he pulled it open, flipping past the first several pages before settling on the table of contents. "Canterlot Castle, page fifty six?" Lord Tirek shook his head. "They preempted Canterlot Castle, the home of the immortal rulers of all of Equestria, for tulips?" He laughed mirthlessly. "These ponies truly are fools. How did my fool of a brother ever think that they could be our equals?"

Lord Tirek hissed quietly as he slowly flipped deeper into the magazine, smiling coldly. "I must see what it is that these ponies thought was so important that it preempted Celestia herself."

A field of many-hued flowers filled his vision, stretching out as far as the eye could see beneath an azure sky.

"Hmmmm... they are remarkably tasteful..."

Day 371155

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, his eyes flickering between the magazine that lay open in his hands and the guardian of Tartarus, looking for any sign of a reaction to an intruder; there was none as of yet, and he was beginning to grow impatient.

"She is late," he rasped, licking his lips. His eyes returned to the magazine's final few pages. "There must be more to the castle than this; if these pictures are to be believed, the castle is almost too easy to assault from the air. Do they fear the might of the griffins no longer?"

The hooves on rock drew his gaze upwards; it seemed the pony had arrived. "Ah, excellent."

The little gray pegasus dropped the magazine on the ground just beyond the edge of his prison cell, retreating backwards as Lord Tirek advanced, looking down at the splash of red against the stone.

"The fabled rose gardens of Maretonia," he said quietly, before chuckling to himself. "Those ponies do love their flowers."

His gaze flicked upwards as the mailmare spread her wings, holding up a hand. "Wait!"

The pegasus stopped, cocking her head to the side, looking at him with one eye as the other drifted away. "Uhm... what is it?"

"Mmm... the pony is afraid of me. No matter. I will not harm you. Indeed, I need your help."

She stared at him dumbly, slowly poking her hoof at the rock.

"Not very talkative, are you? No matter. You see, I have nothing to use for a bookmark in this cage. It is very easy to lose my place. I was wondering... could you fetch a stone for me to use as one?" He reached out between the bars, pointing towards one of the crumbling mountains nearby.

"Uhm, okay," she said, backing away further before spreading her wings and soaring off.

Lord Tirek bent down, grasping the magazine between his withered fingers before pulling it inside, paging through until an image of Canterlot Castle sat before him once more, in all its splendiferous glory – and vulnerability. "They do have a certain appreciation for aesthetics, but," he chuckled darkly, "it seems they have forgotten the ways of war. When I escape, I will have to remind them."

His mouth twisted in a smirk, but his good humor was quickly lost as he lifted his head, the reality of his circumstances returning to him. Grimacing, he watched as the mailmare picked up a rock from the crumbling promontory, her landing sending several smaller rocks tumbling down the mountainside. His eyes snapping to Cerberus, it seemed that the three-headed monster had taken notice, barking loudly as the stones slid down towards him, before tumbling down into the fiery depths between the peaks.

His eyes returned to the magazine once more, flipping through the pages slowly. "Maretonia, eh? What foolishness. Do they truly believe they are not under the hoof of Princess Celestia?" He shook his head, flipping to the next page as one of the ponies – a unicorn, by the look of her – stood by her pet, her dull-eyed companion gripping a ball firmly between its teeth, the sphere as red as the roses in the garden surrounding them.

Lord Tirek smiled as his eyes slowly moved over the page, then the next, then the next, each covered with vast fields of roses as an idea slowly began to form in his head.

Day 371398

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day indeed." He smirked to himself as he watched Cerberus pace far below. "Now, where is that pony..."

He leaned carefully against the bars, taking care not to put too much pressure on the weakened metal; still, he could feel them shift against his weight, the movement drawing a smirk to his face as he glanced down to examine his handiwork; from the outside, the bars looked unharmed, but from the inside...

From the inside, their compromise was obvious. It had taken months – and more than one rock from his unwitting accomplice – but at last, they were weakened to the point where escape was possible. Only one more piece of the puzzle remained.

"Hello!"

Lord Tirek smiled at the greeting; everything was going according to plan. "Hello, friend," he rasped, looking up at the hovering pegasus. "You brought my magazine, I trust?"

"Yup!" She landed beyond the edge of the cage, reaching back into her saddlebags and pulling out the latest issue, wood-paneled walls and opulent furniture sprawling out across the cover.

"Thank you," he said, grasping the magazine gently between his withered fingertips. "Though, a favor, if you would."

The pegasus paused, tilting her head, the wrong eye focusing on him. "Do you need another rock?"

"No, not at all. Indeed, it is nothing for me." Lord Tirek leaned forward earnestly. "Tell me, have you noticed the guardian of this place looking... bored?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Because I assure you, he has, how should I put it... a dearth of entertainment."

The pegasus scratched her hear with her hoof. "Okay."

"I was wondering..." He reached back behind him, gathering up several balls of paper, the red roses bright as ever on the crumpled pages. "Could you gather these for me, and drop them for Cerberus on your way out? I am certain that he would find them an enjoyable diversion."

"Okay!" She gathered the balls up in her hooves against her chest before pausing. "Uhm, doesn't he have to guard you though?"

Lord Tirek put on his most winning smile. "Me? I'm trapped in this cage. There is simply no way for me to escape; he is mostly a formality."

"Oh, alright," she said, slowly fluttering off, dropping a couple of the wadded up balls of paper as she made her way down the mountain.

Lord Tirek smirked as she flew lower, more of the balls falling out of her hooves, one of them striking the guardian on its centermost head as the dumb beast looked confused for a moment, then barked loudly, chasing after the mailmare, who rather quickly shed the rest of the balls and began flying away as fast as she could, the monster close on her hooves.

"Hmph. Who knew the monster was so interested in pegasi? I didn't even need the balls." He shook his head and chuckled, before turning around, leaning forward before slamming his hind legs into the weakened bars, the metal shearing off with a satisfying clang as the bars bent outwards. Turning around, Lord Tirek stepped forth through the gap, squeezing through the opening he had made, his hoofs thudding quietly against the smooth stone. Striding out to the edge of the mountain, he looked downwards; there was no sign of Cerberus.

He threw back his head and laughed. He was free.

Manehattan

Lord Tirek sat in his makeshift hovel of cardboard and newspaper, staring out into the street as the rain poured down outside. Shivering, he drew his ragged cloak in closer around his shoulders before slipping his hand inside, slowly pulling out a ragged magazine.

"One day, Celestia. I can feel my strength returning. I will claim what I am owed. And then..." He chuckled to himself. "Oh yes, and then this view will be mine."

He smiled down on his view of the kingdom, the surface of the page marred by a hundred wrinkles, and yet still, it brought a smile to his face every time.

Or almost every time. His smile faded slightly at the sight of the Everfree Forest. It just wasn't right. It was too tall, too imposing, too green. But eliminating it would be quite a challenge. Even with the power of Luna and Celestia...

The sound of hooves splashing on the street drew his attention, making him fold the magazine up and return it to his cloak. "What do you want?"

"Mail!"

Lord Tirek blinked at the cheerful voice, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes at the pony. "You? How did you find me here?"

"It was on the label!" The mailmare bent back, nosing up the flap on her saddlebags to pull out the latest issue, seemingly heedless of the rain pouring down around her.

"Here! You will ruin it," he said, snatching it out of her mouth, a small white card falling away from it. The pegasus looked down at it mournfully as it fell in a puddle, rapidly graying as the water seeped into it. "Ugh! Look what you did!"

The grey pegasus stepped backwards, watching him uncertainly as he held the magazine in one hand, bending down to pick up the sodden piece of paper with the other.

Mr. LORD TIREK, we regret to inform you that your subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping has been cancelled. We are sorry that our magazine did not meet your needs, but hope that you enjoyed...

"Cancelled? My subscription has been cancelled?" Lord Tirek roared, lashing out with his fists, smashing the nearest thing at hand – the flimsy cardboard wall of his hovel. The sodden corrugated paper bent and tore, the whole side of the structure falling downwards before his hovel collapsed entirely, pieces of boxes and bits of old magazines raining down onto his head and shoulders, nearly bringing him down to his knees.

Snarling, he shook himself as straightened up, hurling the remnants of his shelter into the street.

The pegasus was gone.

Hunching himself forward, he clutched his magazine to his chest as he fled down the sidewalk, taking shelter underneath a balcony as he shivered from the cold. Taking several deep breaths, he steadied himself before finally lifting his prize, looking down onto the cover.

"What is this? 'Princess Cadance's Crystal Garden'?" He licked his lips. "Another princess?"

He opened up the pages, glancing at the table of contents before flipping to page thirty-two, his hands trembling as the slick paper slid away to reveal a pink alicorn standing next to a handsome stallion, posing in front of an enormous crystal statue of a dragon.

"How interesting. Another alicorn. This changes everything." His eyes slowly traced over her body, from horn to wings to the crystal heart on her flank as he smirked. "With that power, perhaps..."

Lord Tirek reached into his cloak, pulling out the other magazine – his first – slowly opening it with shaking hands to the dog-eared page, his finger slowly crossing over the trees in the center of the page.

Canterlot

Lord Tirek sat on a parapet of stone, staring out across the countryside of Equestria. "Now this is more like it," he growled, grinning down at the land far below.

"Enjoying the view?"

Lord Tirek chuckled. "One of the perks of power."

"I never took you for the type who enjoyed such things. Enslaving all the little ponies just so you can sit out here and watch the sun set."

"Is that a hint of mockery I detect, Discord?"

"Oh, no, not at all!" Discord smiled as he snaked through the air, floating overhead. "We all have our hobbies."

"Indeed we do." He rose to his hooves, lifting an arm to point towards the horizon, grinning at the powerful muscles rippling underneath the skin. "And I think the first thing I shall do when I claim what belongs to me is to remove that blight."

Discord blinked, floating around behind him to sight along his arm. "The Everfree Forest?"

Lord Tirek laughed. "Of course! It is unsightly and breaks up the horizon." Grinning, he concentrated, his power flowing out from between his horns, a shimmering golden image forming in front of them. "Once the forest is gone, then I can set the ponies to work, planting my garden. As you can see, I have carefully chosen a tasteful mixture of flowers to be planted; from this distance, it will be a glorious sea of colors, red and white and gold. There will be lanes, here and here, lined by trees, and a great gazebo, here, so that I can read outside in the sun." He snorted. "It is unfortunate ponies lack vision; they have made blue roses, but not a single black flower. I will have to set them to work on that as well."

"Really? Isn't that a bit... boring?"

"Boring?" Lord Tirek dismissed the image with a snap of his fingers, the golden light shattering into a thousand shards. "Did you have any better ideas?"

"Well, I was thinking that those ponies are dreadfully boring in their color choices. I think it would look nice in plaid; maybe teal and burgundy. I hear they're in this year."

"Teal and burgundy? Have you lost your mind?" He waved his hand out at the landscape, his fingers outstretched. "Those colors don't complement each other at all! Not to mention that the lines would be unsightly. You spent that much time with the ponies without learning aesthetics?"

"Well, you don't have to get snappy over it." Discord snapped his fingers, vanishing and reappearing behind him with his arms crossed. "For someone who looks down on those ponies so much, you certainly seem to enjoy their gardens." He laughed. "They're alright, I suppose, for someone who hasn't spent the last thousand years in one. I don't know how Celestia stands it; I would have changed things long ago. But she always was boring." He leaned back. "I was just hoping you would understand."

Lord Tirek narrowed his eyes. "Where did you say this Ponyville was?"

"Oh-ho, that is the best part!" Discord sprung up into the air and with a snap of his claws, a small, folded pamphlet appearing in his hand as he held it up in front of the village off in the distance, the outline of the village and hills matching the paper, the words 'Welcome to Ponyville' emblazoned over the image.

Lord Tirek smiled. "We don't have far to go, then, friend."

Discord giggled. "Ooh, I like that."

"And you're sure she'll be there?"

"Oh, yes," Discord said, smirking and rolling his fingers together. "She would do anything for her friends."

"Meet me downstairs," Lord Tirek said. "We'll leave once I've taken care of a few things."

"Oh goodie. Just enough time to give Shining Armor a pink mane. I've always felt it looked so dull in blue." With a snap of his fingers, he was gone.

Lord Tirek scoffed. "It's worse than I thought. He has no sense of color coordination at all." He looked back down to his magazine, frowning. "Plaid?" He shook his head.

Maybe it was time to end their partnership. With Discord's power, combined with the alicorns'...

Lord Tirek pulled out a marker, and began to draw.

The Everfree Forest

Lord Tirek towered over the forest, grinning. This was it; this was the power he had been seeking all this time. Discord, the little ponies... nothing compared to this.

"I see," he said, clenching and unclenching his hands, fists now the size of boulders. He could feel the power surging through him, racing over his skin. It suffused every inch of his body, flowed through his core, crackled in the air around him, waiting to be released. "To think, those princesses had all this power, and do so little."

He laughed. "No matter. I have vision. And I know exactly what I am going to do..."

Far below, he could hear the puny little creatures yelling at each other, but without their magic, they were nothing; they might as well be ants. Yes, that's exactly what they were; small, colorful ants, dancing around for his amusement. But there would be time for that later. For now, he had a job to do.

"Now let's see here," he said, reaching down, his hand fumbling for the magazine before he scowled. Where was it? Had he dropped it? Had that pony taken it from him? His eyes narrowed, looking back down over the shattered landscape, but there was no sign of the thing, not from where he was standing.

Lord Tirek growled as he turned his head to look for the pony, but she had gone, along with her friends; fled from his presence. How foolish of her not to do so earlier. But apparently the ponies could learn proper fear. The thought bent his lips in a cruel smile.

No matter. He had what he wanted, and with his height, he had an excellent view. An excellent view of ugly, unsightly trees. But he could fix that.

He smiled as he felt the power building between his horns, faster than before, an incredible surge of energy leaping forth, blasting the trees aside as if they were so many twigs. It was a heady thing, and he did nothing to hold back his elation; this was going to be fun.

Clenching his teeth together in a mockery of a grin, he stepped forward, sweeping his head from side to side, whole trees being ripped from the earth as he uprooted them as if they were tiny weeds; nothing was a match for his power, not now. He wasn't old, he wasn't weak; he still had it in him. And he would prove it. This would prove it; ponies would speak in hushed tones of the former forest, now reduced to nothing but sawdust and wood chips for the paths in his garden. Perhaps he would erect a statue of himself for them to kneel before in obeisance, for when he wasn't around, busy surveying the rest of his kingdom and shaping it to his will.

No, not erect; why do that when he had such power at his command? He could carve out an entire mountain to communicate his glory.

He took another step forward, roaring as his power swept across the landscape. Yes, no one could stop him now. Everyone would bow to the might of Lord Tirek, and know his glory!

Day 1

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day indeed." He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage, but it was useless; yesterday, the cage would have crumbled instantly, wrecked beyond all recognition. Today?

He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage again. Today, they did not even move.

Not for the first time, he turned his head to look out, but there was nothing for him here: no rubble to use to weaken the bars, no foolish mailpony to—

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain on the top of his head as something struck him before bouncing off his shoulder, falling to the ground with a thump. A second impact announced the presence of a second projectile as he shielded his face with his hands and looked up, spotting a familiar pegasus hovering overhead.

"You again?" His lips twisted in a snarl before he thought better of it, turning up the corners of his mouth in a smile, but in his anger, he could do little better than a rictus grin. "I know you must be angry, but—"

His words were wasted, much as all effort was in this place; she was already gone. Rubbing his head, he bent downwards, his eyes narrowing on a small slip of white paper sitting on the ground, elegant hoofwriting covering the surface.

Tirek;

I don't know how you managed to escape, but I would not expect it to be so easy next time. Know that the guardian has been given permission to ensure that your continued presence in Tartarus by any means necessary, and that he was told he was a very bad dog for allowing your escape. I would not attempt to leave your cage if I were you.

While I did not determine your means of escape, in the course of my investigations, I did discover that you received, in error, a free subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping magazine. Given the damage you did to the Everfree Forest, I fear that magazine positively impacted neither your attitude nor your skill at gardening.

However, this discovery did make me recognize a lapse in my administration, for which I must apologize. It is the general policy of the Equestrian prison system to ensure that our prisoners do not lack for stimulation during their imprisonment, a policy which we have been in remiss in enforcing on your behalf. I spent some time considering what reading materials might be appropriate given your proclivity towards violence, but one of my subjects quickly suggested a list of periodicals she felt you - or at least, your sense of aesthetics - may benefit from.

I have enclosed a copy of the first magazine of your new subscription with this letter. Enjoy.

Princess Celestia

PS. Give my regards to Cerberus.

Lord Tirek snarled, crushing the paper in his fist, willing that it burn as he had destroyed so much else, but with no magic left in him, he could do little but shudder in rage. Whirling around, he cast about for the other thing which had struck him, the rustle of paper underhoof announcing its presence. He stepped back, narrowing his eyes and glaring down at the magazine, which sported an earth pony posing on the cover in a hideous dress covered in sequins.

"Mystique magazine?" He snatched it from the ground, holding it up close to his eyes. "The mane issue? 101 new ways to do yours today? What to eat for an amazing coat?" His whole body shuddered with rage. "Sapphire Shores – stuff she only tells her marefriends?"

Lord Tirek hurled the magazine across his cage, the folded pages making a loud thump as they struck the bars. "I will not be mocked!" he shouted to the hazy skies, shaking his fist at them.

Snarling, he stomped across his prison cell, his hooves no longer shaking the ground with every step. He swung his thin and withered arms at the wall of his cell, wincing in pain as the steel bars held rather than tearing apart like cardboard.

He opened his hand, the crushed letter sliding from between his fingers as he stared out into the forsaken wasteland around him, the same as it had ever been for the last thousand years.

Lord Tirek glanced back over his shoulder; the magazine still sat where it had fallen, its cover glistening in the dull light. Just one look couldn't hurt...

Author's Note

Author's Note: Thanks to Fantasia Archsage and ADRNEL for prereading.

Day 371095

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day in—"

The rustling of paper underhoof interrupted his daily ritual. A downward glance revealed the source of the noise; his hoof sat in the center of the "magazine", the green garden on the cover shimmering dully in the light of the fires of the underworld. Growling, he flicked the thing away from himself, the thin periodical striking the far end of his cage with a quiet thump before falling to the ground. He snorted; they would not make a fool of him.

"Now, where was I?" He narrowed his eyes before slamming his frail arms into the bars of his cage as fruitlessly as ever. "I, Lord Tirek, will not rot away in this cage and be forgotten!" No, that wasn't right, he was mixing up his lines.

Lord Tirek reached up to grasp at the bars with his withered hands, but even as he pulled on his cage of steel, he knew that his heart wasn't in it today, not really.

"I will not allow these ponies to divert me. I shall gain my freedom, and then, they will be mine."

Day 371099

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape, his head held high to avoid seeing the splash of color in the drab realm of orange and gray. "Ah, what a delightful day in Tartarus." No, it was supposed to be a lovely day. He scowled; that thrice-cursed magazine was distracting him again.

"I must rid myself of it," he growled, striding over towards the only thing which stood out in this drab realm. Leaning down, he gripped it in his fingers, the pages spreading out as he made to hurl it out of the cage, but rather than slipping out between the bars, the spine of the thing caught on them, popping the magazine open as it fell back down to the rock floor.

Lord Tirek smashed his hoof into the ground; long ago, when he still had strength, it would have shattered the stone – no, the whole of the mountain on which he rested. But now? Now, his rage was impotent; the rock sat, whole and unbroken, as if it had not even been struck. Glaring down at the unbroken stone, his eyes slid upwards, settling finally on the source of his anger – that accursed thing that pony had given him. A beautiful spread out across two pages, with a veritable menagerie of animals in all the colors of the rainbow playing in the grass and perching in the trees.

His eyes narrowed at a splash of red as he bent down to pick up the magazine, holding it close to his face. He knew that bird. "Philomena." His fingers slid to the edge of the page, turning it. "A rare look inside Princess Celestia's private spring sanctuary." His eyes narrowed. "How interesting. So that is where you have been hiding yourself. Canterlot." Lord Tirek chuckled to himself. "And in such splendor. I did not think she had it in her." He flipped another page, eyes widening slightly. "And the view? Magnificent."

Lord Tirek lowered the magazine, his eyes narrowing once more as he peered out of his prison, his fingers tightening their grip on the pages in his hand. "She and her sister enjoy this while I am left with this?" He spread his hand, waving it across the fiery pits and unnatural rocky promontories.

"I must escape. And when I get out of here..." A smile twisted his lips. "Perhaps she would better enjoy the view down here." He shook his head. "I must learn of her weaknesses. If she was so foolish as to allow them to create these images of the inside of her gardens, perhaps there is more to be learned here."

His wrinkled fingers reached up to turn to the next page.