Madness Equestria

I opened my eyes for what seemed like the fifth time in an hour. Stone gray floor beneath my hooves, my forelegs chained above my head, it seems my captors are learning. Of course, they would have to after I had killed five of them with no difficulty.

One of the guards outside my cell poked its glasses clad head to look at me before pulling back. That’s fine by me, I can wait.

There’s always an opening.

Another boring day, or so it would seem for one 1337 agent. Sure a bunch of his colleagues came through dragging a statue of some monster by a few minutes ago with some poor sap underneath its hand, but the blood trail had been cleaned up and now it was just him and another 1337. He made a gesture asking if he could light a cigarette and the other guard shrugged apathetically. He pulled out a pack and casually stuck one in his… mouth area and pulled out a lighter.

Before he could light it the door they were guarding opened and he was caught in a blue field before being hurled at his fellow 1337, snapping his neck instantly. His friend lived long enough to see Shining Armor walk in and end his life with automatic fire. Though Shining Armor, not used to the recoil, lost control and unloaded the rest of the clip into the wall above the dead soldiers. When the rifle clicked empty, Shining Armor inspected it for a moment before sighing and dropping it on the bodies.

“That won’t do. The things are good in a pinch, but are way too unwieldy. I wish I had brought a sword or something.” Right on cue, a door to Shining Armor’s right opened and a grunt walked in casually sipping a soda. However, once he saw Shining Armor, he dropped the can in surprise and drew his sword for a blind charge. Shining Armor smoothly ducked under the swing and landed a quick punch to the grunt’s head, which caused it to drop the sword. Shining picked up the sword and cut the grunts head in half diagonally and poked the body over, blood splatter painting the gray ground.

“Ugh, these things are fragile. Once this is over I’m going to have to take a lot of vacation time.” Shining Armor wiped the sword clean on the dead grunt and inspected the black carbon blade. Once he was sure that it was in good condition he sheathed it on his back and walked slowly to the door the grunt came out of.

‘I hope this is where Discord was taken,’ Shining thought just as the door opened. He peeked through it to find some kind of recreation room with a couple of grunts and 1337, the former enthralled by some kind of glowing box and the latter seemingly engaging in water cooler talk. There was also a janitor mopping up a trail of blood which led to a door. The 1337 were closer so Shining Armor made them his first targets. He drew the sword, counted to three, and charged into the room.

The first slice was aimed for the ‘neck’ of a 1337, who was effortlessly decapitated. His two friends didn’t fare much better with the second taking a vertical slice to the head and the third taking one to its chest. The half dozen grunts, seeing the unicorn in the room, spread out and grabbed whatever they could: bottles, knives, and one got a folding chair before advancing on Shining Armor.

The first one to reach him swung a bottle at him, missed, and got a sword through the head for the trouble. Shining Armor grabbed the bottle magically and threw it at another grunt where it impaled its cross shaped face. He withdrew the sword and threw it at a grunt with a knife. The last three braced themselves for an attack, but Shining Armor took care of them by levitating all of them and hurling them at the back wall. The janitor, who had backed up into a corner and put his hands up, got showered by the resulting blood splatter.

Once Shining Armor was sure there were no more hostiles he walked over and pulled his sword from a grunt before walking over to the janitor and thrusting it an inch from his face.

“Was that trail made by a giant statue being dragged?” he asked. The janitor nodded as much as he could and pointed at the door. “Thank you, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call anymore of your friends.” Shining Armor pulled the sword away and walked to the door. It opened automatically and Shining Armor peeked through it before rushing in with sword held high. Death screams sounded as the door shut behind him.

The janitor put his hands down and looked around the bloody room. He sighed, walked over to his mop, and picked it up to clean up, again.

‘Just once, I wish I had a peaceful day.’

“And voila! Say goodbye to that horrid armor and say hello to your new fabulous outfit! What do you think?” Rarity asked levitating a full length mirror over to Trixie. Trixie was loathe to see what the crazy fashionista has done to her, although once she saw it she half changed her mind.

The gray of the armor had been painted over with a blue matching her coat color. Rarity also painted Trixie’s cutie mark on the flank of the armor as well as adding several purple shawls from the top of her head down along her neck and back. Trixie did admit to herself that it was a significant improvement, but she was still stuck in it.

“Trixie… appreciates what you did,” Trixie started slowly and circled around to see the other side, “although she still wishes she could get out of this.”

“Well, maybe there are built in instructions?” Twilight offered, “although I’m still curious about those coordinates you found.”

“Oh, those. Well, Trixie could point it out on a map if you could provide one for her.”

“But how do you know that those coordinates go with Equestrian maps? It could go for something else entirely!”

“Have you seen me in the past fifteen minutes Sparkle?” Trixie said gesturing an armored hoof over herself. After a few seconds of staring Twilight got what Trixie was saying and sighed defeatedly.

“Fine, let me get an atlas.” Celestia managed a good natured laugh as Twilight walked out of the room.

“Now if only I could do something with you three,” Rarity commented toward Hank, Sanford, and Deimos. The three all gave varying looks of disapproval toward the unicorn.

Shining Armor left behind another battered, blood soaked room to enter another empty, gray room. Thankfully there were no grunts or 1337 in the room, so Shining Armor was free to relieve his rapidly growing frustration on a nearby, hapless table.

“Where am I?!” he shouted as he bashed the table into pieces, “I’ve been wandering for fifteen minutes, going through room after room and dozens of those things that just rush to their deaths. In the name of Faust, how can a race of beings be so suicidal stupid?!” Once the table had met its grisly end Shining Armor fell on his haunches and rubbed his face. “I just wish there was some kind of sign as to where to go.”

Right on cue, a grunt walked out of a nearby door to hang a sign next to it, completely ignoring Shining Armor in the process. Once it had completed its task it walked back into the room it came from. Shining Armor, curious about the sign, got up and walked over to it.

“’Generator room’? Works for me,” he said and drew his sword. The door opened to show a moderately sized generator room with the grunt from before, a 1337, and an ATP agent inside. The grunt was carrying another sign which it immediately attempted to use as a weapon. It served little protection since Shining Armor cut it in half along the torso. The 1337 and ATP noticed the unicorn and immediately drew weapons.

Shining Armor managed to put up a shield just as the 1337 opened fire. The ATP agent managed to duck out of the way as bullets ricocheted off of the shield and killed the 1337. It fell to the ground with five holes in its head and the ATP agent stood up and turned to Shining Armor just in time to catch a sword through the visor. It grasped at the handle briefly before falling forward dead.

Shining Armor took a moment to catch his breath before retrieving the sword from the ATP agent and wiping the red and yellow blood on the 1337. He then looked at the generator and paced in front of it saying, “Is this the generator? It doesn’t seem that different from a magical generator back in Canterlot.” He thought for a moment and picked up the ATP’s TMP with his magic.

“Generators usually power important things, so if I destroy this it will disrupt this operation. If I cause enough damage, I might be able to find Discord’s statue. And then I can get out of here, relax a little, and stop talking to myself!” Shining Armor unloaded the submachine gun into anything that seemed important while yelling “I’m not crazy!” and was soon rewarded by the main lights going off to be replaced by red emergency lights. Shining Armor took a few deep breaths and dropped the empty gun.

“Well, that was a good stress relief. I better get back to searching.”

I just about fell asleep again when the lights went out and dim red filled the room outside my cell. ‘Now’s my chance!’ I thought and started pulling against my restraints. I could hear the bolts groan slightly, so I put my back hooves on the wall behind me and pulled even harder. Only one of my guards noticed what I was doing and when he tried to inform the other one the chains finally gave way. In a split second I tossed them forward and saw them wrap around their necks just as I crashed to the ground.

I didn’t waste any time in pulling them back. They clutched at their throats as they were pulled back into the bars until their heads finally popped right off, bright crimson spraying across the walls, floors, and bars. With my captors dead I walked to the cell doors and grabbed the keys off one of them and I unlocked the cell doors and the restraints around my hooves.

I wasn’t a big fan of chains; I’m more of a knife mare. Luckily one of the guards had one, so I took it and made my way to the door. I’ll see them all burn in Tartarus for what they did to me. Luckily, I found that I can get a good start when I walked to the door and found a room full of sunglasses. They seemed to flinch back as I smile widely.

Another door, another empty room. Shining Armor had long past the anger threshold and was just annoyed now. Discord’s statue was probably long gone now, which left only getting back to Canterlot as his only objective. He chose the door on the right side of the room and walked toward it.

He didn’t expect for the door to crash open thanks to a 1337’s battered corpse. Shining Armor blinked away the surprise and peered through the door to find an absolutely bloodied room. Several 1337 and ATP agents were eviscerated and cut apart, although whoever did it seemed to have vanished in the few seconds it took for Shining Armor to get to the door.

“What happened here?” Shining Armor asked out loud and slowly walked into the room. He heard a slight crack and dove ahead just in time to hear metal scrape against the back of his armor. He rolled on the ground twice and rose up drawing his sword to face his attacker. He froze once he saw a pink coat and mane and a familiar balloon cutie mark.

“Pinkie Pie?” he asked. The mare turned to him with a knife in her mouth and glared at him with such hate filled eyes he was certain he had been mistaken about who she was. She definitely wasn’t the same cheery party mare he had met at his wedding, the once poofy mane and tail now lying flat and darkened with her coat. The two ponies stared at each other for a moment until Pinkie sprang sideways and tossed the knife at Shining Armor.

Shining Armor barely managed to get a shield up to deflect the knife but unfortunately wasn’t paying attention to Pinkie, who had used the distraction to tackle Shining Armor. She knocked the sword away and gave him a good kick to his right temple. His vision filled with stars which he shook away in time to see Pinkie sit on his chest and hold a knife to his throat. She hardly seemed winded despite the struggle.

“You don’t look like one of them,” she said in a flat, emotionless voice and tapped Shining Armor’s chest plate with her free hoof, “and you’re in royal guard armor too. Who are you exactly?”

“I’m Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard.”

“Doesn’t ring any bells.”

“Twilight Sparkle’s brother? You helped plan my wedding, how could you not remember me?”

“I’m not privy to Pinkie’s private life. She did tell me a cupcake recipe and you yelling at your Twilight. By the way, I ought to slit your throat right now for that.”

“What?! I was under a mind control spell at the time!”

“No excuses! Everypony is so keen on using that excuse for you when it’s clear you’re just a terrible pony.”

“Listen Pinkie, I-“ Shining Armor yelped as Pinkie angrily stabbed the floor next to his head.

“DON’T BUCKING CALL ME THAT! In case you’re completely blind, I’m not the happy go lucky party mare who’s keen on making friends with everypony, so if you ever try to be friendly again…”

“Alright, I’m sorry! What do I call you then?”

“Pinkamena. My name is Pinkamena. Now why are you here?”

“I’m looking for the statue of Discord. These things took it from the gardens and I’m trying to find it.”

“Sorry, but I’m sure you’re hunk of rock is long gone. So if you’ll kindly get out so I can get back to the slaughter I’d very much appreciate it.” Shining Armor replied by grabbing Pinkamena’s hooves magically and tossing her off him.

“Sorry, but until I find that statue I’m not going anywhere,” he said picking up his sword. Suddenly a wall blasted out next to him and he and Pinkamena turned to the hole to see a peculiar sign sticking out of the hole. A green hand grabbed the sign post and pulled out a red headed, masked figure.

OH HELLO, AM I INTERUPTING SOMETHING?

“What the hay is that thing?” Pinkamena asked more annoyed than anything.

“What kind of horrible voice is that?!” Shining Armor yelled looking around the room. When he looked back at the clown it had rapidly closed the distance to him and knocked the sword out of his hoof. It then swung the sign to hit him on his side, which sent him into Pinkamena and then the both of them into another door. The two ponies scrambled to their hooves and Shining Armor felt where the sign hit.

“That thing dented my armor! What the hay is that thing?”

“It’s mine. Looks like it’s time for you to go,” Pinkamena said.

“What, did you not hear what I said earlier?”

“I don’t care, we all have jobs to do Shining Armor.” Pinkamena then shoved Shining Armor toward a nearby cupboard and opened it. “Go find Twilight Sparkle and tell her to send help soon. Because honestly, I’m still liable to kill you if you stay with me.” Pinkamena shoved Shining into the cupboard and said, “Don’t take too long,” before shutting it on him and plunging him into darkness.

“Hey! Open this door!” Shining Armor yelled and kicked at the door, “I’m not going to leave you Pinkamena. Open this door!”

“I’m sorry Princess, but I’m not sure if we have any tea you would like.”

“It’s not trouble at all Twilight Sparkle,” Princess Celestia said following Twilight into her kitchen, “I’m sure whatever you have will be splendid.”

“Um, thank you Princess. Just give me a second to…” Twilight looked around the kitchen for a moment before she turned back to the doorway and yelled “Spike!”

“Yeah?” Spike yelled back.

“Where’s the tea?”

“Top cupboard furthest from the door.”

“Thank you!” Twilight walked over to the cupboard and opened it, but instead of tea a familiar unicorn fell out of the cupboard. He groaned lightly in pain while Twilight and Celestia stared at him. “Shining Armor? What are you doing in my cupboard?”

“Huh, what?” Shining Armor said and woozily got up. “Where did the clown go?”

“Clown? Wait a minute…” Shining Armor regained control of himself and looked around his new surroundings before settling on Twilight.

“Twilight? What are you doing here?”

“Um… I live here. You’re at my library in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville?! How did I get here, I was in Canterlot not that long ago!”

“Captain,” Celestia spoke up which caused Shining Armor to hurriedly bow, “did you happen to pass through a gray building on your way from Canterlot?”

“Well, yes your majesty.”

“Oh, well that explains that,” Twilight commented.

“Huh?”

“Go upstairs Shining Armor. I’ll make us some tea and then I’ll come up and explain everything. Oh, and try not to attack our guests upstairs.”

“Guests?”