Applejack's Ass Tattoo

by Chevette

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2494

I wrote this as a reply to a topic on MLP forums a long time ago. It's 10/10 pretty great though.

Go on a wild and wacky adventure with Richard McPounder & the gang as his actions paint a picture explaining the truth behind Applejack's cutie mark.

This story was written as a reply to a extremely silly topic on a My Little Pony forum, but I still like it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-25 20:44:48 UTC

Applejack's Ass Tattoo

Oh boy dad! I haven't been able to do one of these in a while... Ya'll best buckle up for this one. I'm going to pull harder than a 97' Honda Civic hitting VTEC in 3rd gear. wait... that's not exactly that much... oh well....

*tokes doob*

Hopefully if this goes as planned, I'll give you guys my answer without closing out of the page somehow like last time.

Applejack huh? Yeah, yeah... I know, she's the orange one with the hat. She has one fuck of a hat too if I may say so. It's 10 out of 10 pretty great.

So, your question is what does Applejack's ass tattoo represent... I'm pretty sure those are apples, brah. *puts on reading spectacles* Yep, definitely apples, homie. I mean what did you think they were? Puppies? Now that I say that, I really wish Applejack had puppies tattoo'd on her ass... fuck.

This whole thing with Applejack kinda reminds me of a story that took place back in the early 90's between two rival gangs in a small Californian town. Do you want to hear it?! Of fuckin' course you do! *shuffles papers*

You could say Basketball is the best sport, or hell, even Baseball (but who the fuck would want to watch that... they spit five times, scratch their crotch, flick their hat and pretend to throw the ball about eight times before they even throw a pitch...) but to this small-town kid, streetboarding was his passion.

Richard McPounder was your average fellow. He went to school during the week (if he felt like it of course) smoked a shit-ton of weed and hung out behind the Denny's everyday after class. He may sound like your run of the mill Californian, but on the weekends, (or whenever the fuck he wanted to I guess) he was a rough and ready streetboarding king.

What is streetboarding you ask? HA. You don't know? Fine, I guess I'll tell you... Streetboarding is more than a sport, it's a way of life. I'm sure you are sitting over there in your desk chair stroking your dick *cough* I mean Pinkie Pie plushie sayin' "Well, streetboarding must be another fancy-dancy term for "skateboarding" right?" Well, sorry to tell ya, but you couldn't be more wrong. The boards don't even have wheels here, brah.

So yeah, what is streetboarding? Easy, easy... Basically you go out to some place where there are vast amounts of wood just laying around, you grab that wood and bring it to the street where hopefully a tow vehicle is waiting for your happy ass. The goal of streetboarding is to make it down the hill behind the tow vehicle first and in one piece. Usually a old ski-rope is used (tied to the bumper hitch of course) and you are pulled standing on the 2 X 4 you picked out. The main choice of vehicle by Californian streetboarders is a Chevy/GMC Astro/Safari van featuring the 4.3 liter Vortec V6 engine.

Now that you understand streetboarding and feel that you could probably answer a 80 question multiple choice test on the subject, I suggest we more on to the rest of the story and then eventually get to how this relates to Applejack's ass-tattoo.

Our pal Richard McPounder (Ragin' Dick McPounder was his gang nickname) was a avid streetboarder, probably the best in all of the small town of Flaming Fruitbowl Meadows (I know, I know... It sounds like a retirement home for homosexual elderly men...) Richard was apart of the roughest, toughest streetboarding gang in all of Flaming Fruitbowl Meadows. Hell, just yesterday they tipped over a recycling bin, emptied it all out and threw it all in the regular waste receptacles in the whole park. They called themselves the Titty Ticklers and they don't need no help from no man.

The Titty Ticklers spent most of their afternoons and weekends practicing their streetboarding skills and challenging other Fruitbowlians to dangerous streetboarding matches down the most treacherous hill in the whole town. They called that hill "The Sideways Line Dance" Why did they call it that? Well, simple... Basically because it just grinds away at the long wood you have slapped down on the ground and as soon as you get to the bottom, it rips apart whatever is left of the 2 X 4 and throws you and the board off to the side like a resume sent in to Hasbro by a fan of the show.

It started like any other day for our little buddy Ragin' Dick McPounder. He was out at the Sideways Line Dance for a few runs with his buddies behind their 1999 Chevrolet Astro van. Ragin' Dick just got done from a intense run down the hill when a new van pulled into their neck of the woods. It was a 2005 GMC Safari van... AWD. That's right folks, these guys weren't here to watch.

The van pulled right next to Ragin' Dick at the top of the hill and 5 big dudes came strollin' in with one old drunk chick and some fella with green teeth. (Charlie Daniels Band reference...) The whole crew got out of the much nicer and cleaner GMC van and said "Yo, yo, YO! We is da Brutal Ass Masters!" Ragin' Dick looked at them with a dull look in his eye and carried on to start another run.

The head Brutal Ass Master didn't care too much for the whole Titty Tickler crew to ignore them like they did so he blurted out some obscene language and flaunted some vulgar hand gestures at Ragin' Dick as he stood on his 2 X 4 ready to head down the hill for another run.

The Brutal Ass Masters stood infront of Ragin' Dick just as he was about to shred the gnarly hill with his 2 X 4. "Ha! You stupid Titty Ticklers and yo untreated 2 X 4's! I saw you shred the Sideways Line Dance, and it was nothin' mah homie. I could dawg you out in every cut, yo!" Ragin' Dick looked him straight in the eye and said "Ya'll should just head on back to Weenie Hut Jr.'s 'cause that's where yo asses belong mah homie." The whole crowd of gangs gasped in reply to Ragin' Dick's remark. The head Brutal Ass Master that was somehow just named Jerome wasn't too pleased and demanded that they have a streetboarding race down the hill.

"Mah homie, what we gonna be racin' for yo?" asked the Brutal Ass Masters. All Ragin' Dick had to say to that was "Street-cred." The crowed of gang members once again gasped in shock. Street-cred was the highest rank in all of town and whoever held the title of highest Street-cred was considered Poppa-Woodie. It was a title that had been held by Ragin' Dick for 3 years now and he put it on the line like it was a fanmade OC or something else equally un-important.

The vans lined up at the top of the hill and the members of the gangs piled in their designated van. Ragin' Dick got ready behind his van as Jerome got ready behind his. (For your information, Jerome is not black. He's Mexican...) The vans revved and then idled forward to tighten up the ropes of the streetboarders anchored behind them. The suspension built as Ragin' Dick & Jerome gave the thumbs up telling the drivers of the vans they were ready. All that had to happen next was the dropping of the sacred Panasonic RC-6115 Digital Alarm Clock/Radio to signal the drivers to go.

The streetboarders FIRMLY GRASPED the handles of their ropes as the Panasonic RC-6115 Digital Alarm Clock/Radio fell to the ground. The vans rocketed from the starting line with all the power of 94.8 KitchenAid KMT411CU 4-Slice Toasters. (2.01153313 x 94.8 = 190.693340724) (The KitchenAid KMT411CU 4-Slice Toaster has 1500 watts, when converted to horsepower, 1500 watts equals 2.01153313 horsepower. Why 190.693340724? Because that's how much horsepower the Chevy Astro Van had in it's 4.3 liter V6. 190.)

Jerome's van pulled off the line much harder because it had VTEC *cough* I mean because it was AWD (All-Wheel Drive for all you namby-pamby nimbies out there) but since Ragin' Dick's gang was full of anorexic/bulimic knuckleheads, their van had no problem catching back up to the Brutal Ass Master's van.

It was a side-by-side race as Ragin' Dick swung out wide on his untreated piece of timber and grinded the curb as if it was a railing. Jerome noticing Ragin' Dick's groovy moves, he decided to kick it into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE and hop a fucking full-sized pickup truck. The streetboarding gangs weren't giving up as the vans weaved through parked vehicles and curves in the road. It was a interesting sight as they flew down the hill at intense speeds anywhere from 70 to 80 kilometers per hour! (Hey, don't laugh... they are vans and they are trying their best here! Besides, the Titty Tickler's van has a meth lab in the back...)

Ragin' Dick cut back and forth on his timber as he slid right through two mailtrucks and a overweight postal delivery man. Jerome was getting worried he may not be able to get Ragin' Dick's Street-cred after all. There was only one way for Jerome to pull off the win and get the Street-cred he felt he deserved because he was a selfish fuck. Jerome had to pull of the Super McNugget 420. It had only been done once before on a streetboard by the one they call "Pooptickler Sr." He was the best streetboarder to ever live until he lost his life in a downhill race (much like this one...) with his Street-cred on the line. I know, I know... You are thinking: "Well if there is a Poopticckler Sr. there must be a Pooptickler Jr. Yeah, there was. He wasn't a very good streetboarder. He was majorly injured by a "TCR Ghost's Can Removal Service" truck dumping the content of the truck right in the middle of the road. There were beer cans everywhere that day and Pooptickler Jr. swore never to streetboard again. He settled down and had a family and now there are THREE GENERATIONS OF POOPTICKLERS!

They were nearing the end of the hill and Jerome had to make his attempt at the Super McNugget 420 if he wanted to win Ragin' Dick's Street-Cred. With only a few more blocks to go and the vans maxed out at 160 kilometers per hour the streetboarders were really cookin' now. The timber they were both shreddin' with was starting to grind down to the bare minimum as they entered what they called "pothole valley" Don't get me wrong, they didn't name it that because of the holes in the road, they named it that because weed my friend. But yeah, come to find out later, streetboarders realized potholes were also holes in the road so they let the name alone.

Jerome saw his chance. There was a flatbed truck parked on the side of the road that Jerome could pull the Super McNugget 420 on. Only thing was, if Jerome didn't stick the landing on his thin timber, it could break in half and send him tumbling at 160 km/h. He'd meet the same fate as his idol, Pooptickler Sr. Ragin' Dick knew what Jerome was going to pull and he knew that he must pull the Super McNugget 420 as well. There was a shortbed Ford pickup with the tailgate down on his side even with the flatbed in around 40 meters. This was it. All or nothing.

They both jumped and hit their target vehicles in sequence and attempted the trick. The Super McNugget 420 consisted of three do a barrel roll!'s, a two-step line dance, writing a short essay on what not to do at a slumber-party and to end it all, they must complete what we streetboarders call "a armchair Johnny". (the streetboarder must take his timber and sit on it in mid air and act as they are watching television. To stick the landing, they must land the board flat on the surface of the pavement and hover their asses promptly for at least 15 seconds and then stand upright once again.)

While in the air, both streetboarders nailed each part of the trick perfectly. It came time for the armchair Johnny, Ragin' Dick had already assumed the position as Jerome just entered it. It was sure something to watch from the vans as this intense streetboarding was being demonstrated right behind them.

The landing hit fine for Ragin' Dick as he stood back up on his thin timber only to watch Jerome break his timber right in half as it burst into flames and sent him skidding down the road at nearly 160km/h. The Brutal Ass Master van slowed immediately only to accidentally run into Jerome's still moving body.

The Titty Tickler van made it to the bottom of the hill, slowed down and let Ragin' Dick in the back so they could make it back up the hill to see the aftermath of what was left of Jerome.

Jerome's still body lied there on the bruised pavement of one of California's most unforgiving hills. His gang took off their yamakas as Jerome uttered out his final words "Ya'll Titty Ticklers sure can tear up a hill, dawg. That shit was hellafly, yo." Ragin' Dick looked down at Jerome's body as he picked up the remains of his streetboard and gave it to one of the Brutal Ass Masters. "He did good, ya'll. Like, for shizzles, yo. He did good."

That ends our mighty tale of the intense gang fight between the mighty Titty Ticklers and the Brutal Ass Masters. To this day the Titty Ticklers are still the stop streetboarding gang in all of Fruitbowl Meadows California. Jerome made it into the streetboarding hall of fame for being a dumbass by lathering up the bottom of his timber with varnish before the race. If he wouldn't have tried to cheat and get more slip out of his timber, he wouldn't have caught his board on fire and crashed. Ragin' Dick kept all his Street-cred and continued on with his lavish lifestyle of tokin' dewbz and streetboarding.

I know what you are saying... What did any of that have to do with Applejack's ass-tattoo?! Simple my friends. She's good at dealing with apples so she has apples on her ass. Just like Pinkie Pie has balloons on her ass because she's good at dealing with parties. That story told the tale of a determined streetboarder who never went looking for trouble, but when trouble came his way he could streetboard his way out of it. Just like the ponies, he had his special talent which was tearing up the streets on a 2 X 4 being towed downhill by a van.