Because saving the universe is for PEN15!
"You are getting sleepy, very sleepy..." Ian said as he waved his golden watch back and forth in front of Anthony, currently tied up to a wooden chair in their basement. Anthony merely stared, his expression completely deadpanned.
"Dude, this isn't going to work," Anthony said as he pulled against his bonds to every fangirl's delight. "Hypnosis isn't magic."
"Yes it is!" Ian cried, flailing his arms like a sissy little girl. "Now do my chores!"
"No!"
"Please?" Ian whined as he picked up a game case on top of his table of torture devices, instruments of torture, and a Justin Bieber CD for torture. "I just got Mass Effect 2 and I wanna play it! I even bought the Commander Shepard uniform!" Ian whimpered as he gave Anthony man-child puppy-dog eyes.
"You mean the one I'm wearing?" Anthony sighed, staring down at the uniform. They were fresh from a skit, having been interrupted by Ian's sexy mom to do Ian's chores. Obviously, Ian was a man with a plan, and decided to attempt hypnotism to get Anthony to take out the trash and other boring things instead of taking five minutes to do it himself.
Bang! Bang! came the footsteps down the basement stairs. Ian whipped around, the golden pocket-watch flying in slow motion toward Anthony.
Ian's mom stepped out of the shadows as she placed her hands on her hips. "Ian? Go do your chores now. Oh hey, Anthony—"
The pocket-watch soared through the air, conveniently in slow motion, and struck Anthony's forehead just as the rest of the room became slow-mo. Anthony's head reeled back in slow motion, his flesh rippling in slow motion as he groaned... in slow motion.
"—yyyooouuu'rrreee Cccooommmaaandddeeer Ssshhheeepppaaarrrddd," Ian's mom said, in slow motion, as she stepped to the side in slow motion to allow a shadowy form to pass her.
Ian, watching as his best friend's facial expression changed into a more promiscuous, command-y and Shepard-y face, yelled in slow motion. "Nnnooooooo!"
Still in slow motion, the teleporting fat guy burst into the room as his theme song began to play. He raised his power glove, with the power to time travel and teleport—but has nothing to do with him being so damn fat, and fired a temporal beam of energy, screaming—in slow motion—about destiny as the beam hit the watch on Anthony's forehead, creating a black hole and throwing Anthony into a temporal time stream.
Yeah, it doesn't really make sense.
Ugh... where am I? That was a bang gone wrong... Anthony thought as he came to, and by "came to" we mean he woke up on the ground, his back—as opposed to any other body part—sore from the climax of his long journey. Anthony groaned as he picked himself up off the—not grass, not the Everfree Forest, not right in front of Fluttershy's cottage, but—rug of a bedroom. He lifted his gaze up toward the bed in the middle of the fashionable bedroom, blessing his eyes as they laid upon the sleeping form of a beauty.
Or, at least, a formerly sleeping beauty.
Anthony felt his body grow warm—not in the fun way—as his body floated into the air and slammed against the law. His head pounded from his temporal travels across dimensions thanks to the teleporting fat guy.
"You uncouth brute! Sneaking into the bedroom while a lady is vulnerable, you barbarian!" the mare that Anthony would soon know as Rarity cried as her horn glowed with the magic to hold him. "What says thee in defense?"
Damn, that horn is almost as long as mine, Anthony thought as a grin grew on his face. Almost as long as mine.
"Well?"
Anthony froze up as decisions formed in his mind, with a convenient heads-up display to boot.
Bang her.
Bang her-------------Bang her
Bang her
The answer was obvious, but mostly because there weren't any other decisions to make, so Anthony was stuck with the only thing that came to mind:
"We'll bang, okay?"
Rarity froze as her eyes widened. "E-excuse me?"
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Oh my gosh!" Rarity dramatically cried as she dramatically rested a hoof on her forehead, dramatically. "The barbarian in my bedroom has indeed came to steal my purity and innocence! What if I cannot defend myself? I fear for my body's temple from the defiling of a foul heretic! The moment I let down my guard, he shall overpower me with his strong muscles, holding me down as I struggle underneath until my limbs grow limp. And then, he shall place a kiss upon thy lips, and in a moment of weakness I shall reciprocate his foul feelings and become his bride born from battle! Oh woe to me, the damsel in distress!"
Anthony felt solid mass, effectively allowing him to approach the bed as Rarity pretended her magic had died out.
"Oh woe! Whatever shall we do?"
Anthony smiled as he laid on the bed next to her, laying in his sexy position as a creepy grin grew on his face.
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Excuse me?" Twilight said as she felt her plot/butt/ass/hiney/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it bump against the corner of the library. "W-what did you say?"
"We'll bang, okay?" Anthony "Commander Shepard" said as he skulked across the wooden floorboards of the library. He had on his "not-rape-because-rape-isn't-funny-in-many-circles-including-mine-but-it's-definitely-promiscious-or-something" face. He leered over Twilight's quivering body as he waited for her response.
"B-but humans and ponies can't have those kind of relationships!" Twilight cried as her face grew red. "Some man can't just burst into a mare's home and ask for coitus, even if he is kind of... dreamy with his big muscles... especially where it counts." Twilight began to drool as she stared at Anthony's crotch. She immediately shook her head out of her stupor. "B-but I don't like y-you... you baka!"
"Baka? What are you, some manga dork?" Spike muttered as he walked down the stairs, completely ignoring Twilight's semi-stress, and opened the door. He turned his head to Anthony and nodded. "Oh, and if you want to sleep with her, use proper grammar. Twilight loves grammar."
Slam!
"Um..." Twilight looked up at Commander Padilla, her blush growing brighter.
"We'll perform interspecies procreation with each other, okay?"
"Take me!"
And that's how Anthony and Spike became bros.
"Get off of mah farm, you darn ruffian!"
"We'll buck, okayyy...?"
"Oh, so that's how it is."
And then they banged.
"We'll bang, okay?" Anthony said as he offered a needle to Pinkie Pie, who promptly used it to pop a balloon.
"We'll bang, okay?"
"O-only if t-that's o-o-o-o-o-o-okay with y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you," Fluttershy excessively stuttered.
"We'll ba—"
"HANDS!"
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Hand-operated instruments, yay!"
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Eeyup."
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Ha! This is the only thing I'm not the fastest at!"
"We'll bang, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, just come inside already," Rainbow Dash said as she invited Anthony inside her... house.
"Human!" Celestia roared as she floated down from the heavens, all majestic as hell and shit, with her entire Royal Guard and Discord. "The human known as Commander Shepard, stand down!"
Anthony blinked as Celestia landed and trotted toward him, her horn glowing with majestic-as-hell-but-kinda-detracted-due-to-the-entrance magic.
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
"We'll bang, okay?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...We'll bang, okay?"
"Fine."
"Oh my god!" Anthony cried as he woke up with a jolt. Feeling the comforting sensation of his bedsheets in his clenched fists, he sighed in relief, wiping his forehead free of sweat. "Oh thank god. I just had a dream about banging cartoon horses as Commander Shepard."
"Oh, that wasn't a dream..." Ian said as he stuck his head out from under the sheets, wearing his Rainbow Dash cosplay from his latest convention.
"ARGH!" Anthony shrieked like a little girl as Ian laughed like an evil bastard.
"MWAHAHAHAHA!"
"Should we tell him?" Rarity whispered from underneath the sheets. Applejack shook her head as the other twenty ponies under the sheets held their breathe.
"Nah, I don't think he's ready yet."
"But darling, wait until he sees the children!"
