Ha! Nope!

by Symphony

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2240

Hey, I'm Daniel. I'm your usual run-of-the-mill college dropout, beside one crucial fact. I'm kinda stuck in a land filled to the brim with happy-go-lucky miniature horses and the first thing I did when I got here was to knock out the

Hey, I'm Daniel. I'm your usual run-of-the-mill college dropout, beside one crucial fact.

I'm kinda stuck in a land filled to the brim with happy-go-lucky miniature horses and the first thing I did when I got here was to accidentally knock out their horse-god princess with a sun on her arse by crash landing on her.

Yeah. Fun times.

Now there's just one problem about staying here... Apparently, all mares have something called 'heat' which makes them want to hump every male in a mile radius to a fine powder. Now, if this was earth and all the mares were actual humans, I would already be ripping off my shirt and stumbling out of my pants. But these are horses, not humans. So...

Ha! Nope! Running away!

Rated mature for heavy innuendo.

Published 2014-05-28 19:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-30 17:40:21 UTC

Day 1 of 7 - Welcome, Enjoy Your Stay in Pony Hell

'You know, if one would have told me that I would be teleported to a world full of colorful ponies that can fly and use magic, I would have suggested that that particular person should seek professional help as soon as possible. Because come on, that's just absurd!

Well fat fucking chance that the exact thing would happen to me, of all people in the world. Don't get me wrong, the ponies aren't a bad bunch. They're nice and all, but I kind of miss hanging with other humans, y'know? I get sick of talking to creatures that can't even reach my shoulders. Not to mention that I have other more... *ahem* primal needs to sate.

No, I won't get down and dirty with the locals of this world. They're magical alien horses, for God's sake. It wouldn't be right and I'm pretty sure that the ponies wouldn't want to do anything like that with the big, scary bipedal alien thing that unceremoniously dropped from the sky right on their precious pony princess.

I shit you not.

There I was, minding my own business as usual when all of a sudden a freaking portal opens just infront of me. I didn't even have time to react before I dropped through it and landed on a huge, white talking pony-horse princess.

And let me tell you, those shiny tin-can assholes she calls her guards are actually effective in pummeling the shit out of weird creatures who are on top of their ruler.

Err... I probably could have worded that a lot better. Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost, right? Well, enough backstory! Let's get on with it on why I'm actually here, writing this thing, eh?

First thing's first. I'm Daniel. I'm twenty-two years old, used to live in Colorado, just outside Denver, actually. Now I live in a small apartment in Canterlot, funded by the state, of course since I had none of their money and all I have to do to keep living here is answer the usual barrage of questions coming from Purple-Pokey, or Twilight Sparkle if you want to be boring.

Anyway, I need to go now. I hear the mares approaching.

Well, that usually isn't a problem but for about a week it will be a major issue, because well, they're in heat. That means they're fuckin' insane at the moment and won't leave me, or specifically my pants alone. It's incredibly weird having a tiny colorful horse clinging to your legs, screaming at you what she will do to you once your pants are off, all of it terrifyingly descriptive.

You will get scarred for life, believe me.

Oh shit, they're getting really close now! Gotta run!'

I shut my journal softly, not daring to make excessive sounds that the ponies might hear. I stood up from where I had been hiding and peeked outside from the alley I had spent the latest hour. The street was oddly quiet, despite the town being so big and having such a huge population. I walked slowly down the street, keeping on the lookout for any mare that could be here, hiding. The ponies were spectacularly crafty when they needed to be.

”Look!” I heard a mare shriek. ”Over there, it's the human! With the fingers!” She gasped, which was followed by a dozen more gasps and various screams.

'Oh shit.'

There was no use in trying to blend in or hide, so I just took off running down the street at my personal top speed. I dared a glance back to see about thirteen or so mares chasing me and they were getting close. 'Shit. Shit. Shit SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITFUCK'

Finally, I saw my one point of escape; a vertical wall that was way too high for the ponies to jump over. I ran toward the wall, jumped toward it and kicked off the wall, reaching with my hands up to the top of it. After about half a minute, I stood at the top of the wall, leaning forward and panting. The mares standing on the street began arguing again, some of them gesturing against me. I started walking down the wall, on the lookout for any pegasi that were in the air. I was lucky though and managed to get almost two blocks down before I jumped off and once again scanned the street for any mares.

None were seen and I saw my apartment complex just down the street. I made a mad dash for the building, jammed my key inside the lock and twisted it so hard the key might've broken in half if it wasn't magically reinforced or some bullshit like that. Once inside, I locked the door and closed all the deadbolts and hatches leading into my apartment.

Hey, it might've costed a bit more but it was totally worth it. No unwanted visitors means no strangers, no strangers means no danger. Well, most of the time. It's not like I enjoy running back and forth everywhere being chased by a mob of insane, lust-filled females.

….God dammit, why couldn't this been back home on earth?

Anyway, I walked into my apartment and slid my backpack off into the hallway. I raised my right arm and smelled. I gagged and nearly threw up, so a shower was probably a good idea... I pulled off my shirt, threw it on a pile of dirty clothes I would clean later today. I stepped into my bathroom, took off the rest of my clothes and walked to the shower

I turned on the water and waited for it to heat up. When I was satisfied with the warmth, I walked into the shower, closed the shower drapes and started humming a song as I cleaned myself from the filth and sweat that made the horrible stink. After I was satisfied with the result, I turned off the water and reached for a towel. I couldn't feel one on the usual spot, but suddenly I got handed one. I stared at the towel for a full minute.

I wrapped the towel around my mid-section and pushed away the drapes.

Now, I'm normally a rather level-headed and calm person. But this? Right there, staring at where my junk is below the towel, stands Princess Celestia and her younger sister, Luna. Their eyes were slightly glassy and their manes were a bit frazzled. Their wings twitched randomly as they kept staring at me.

Needless to say, I screamed and slipped on the wet floor, making the towel around my mid-section soar away on its merry little adventure. I scrambled up from my fall and did the most reasonable thing I could think of.

I punched Princess Celestia in the muzzle, dazing her and pulled down the shower drape and threw it on Luna, then ripped a bathrobe from its hanger and jumped out the nearest window in blind panic.

Oh, and that was just the first day of the heat.

Ain't life in Equestria grand?

Day 2 of 7 Part 1 - I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE NOPE TRAIN

Oh shit, I actually punched princess Celestia. That can't be good... Well, I guess it was kinda called for. They broke into my apartment and entered my bathroom when I was in there. I don't care if they're the rulers of the country, some common courtesy should still be applied. It all happened last night and the morning sun was breaking the horizon.

Well... No use in getting too caught up with the past. Currently I'm hiding in a dumpster in an alley, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Fucking princesses... I need to get a magic nullification thingamabob installed. They exist, right? Well, if it doesn't exist, I'll make it work somehow. Anyway, I climbed up from the dumpster and walked slowly to the street, glancing around for any ponies. Not a soul out there, I ran across the road and back into an alley on ther other side.

I jogged through the alley, managing to keep myself from stepping on any glass and other crap lying on the ground. I had to get out from the city somehow... That meant that I had to get to the train station. Oh and uh... Maybe some actual clothes. I climbed over a chain-link fence and took a few deep breaths, then continued jogging. I heard some commotion up ahead, so I slowed down and prepared myself to bolt away at any given moment. It sounded like ponies arguing. They were definitely female.

I peeked around the corner. It was a hard left, right into another alley and unless my internal compass is completely fucked over, I had to take that left to get to the train station. My eyes narrowed. Why can't this ever be easy?

I picked up a rock that was about half the size of my hand which had been lying next to my feet. I gently threw it up, then caught it, testing the weight of it. I peeked around the corner one last time, the mares were still going at it. Since they were so occupied with arguing, I threw the rock above their heads and to the far corner, hitting a thrashcan and making a hell of a clatter. The mares stopped arguing, glanced at eachother. I turned back around the corner and pressed myself to the wall, holding my breath-

”What was that?” I heard one of them say.

”I dunno, let's check it out!” The other answered.

I glanced at them, they walked toward where I had thrown the rock. I walked slowly away from my hiding spot, then started jogging the last few feet leading into the other alley, my eyes never leaving the ponies should they turn around and see me. I was lucky though, and darted down the road, refusing to look back. I saw the small clocktower belonging to the train station over the roof of a house. I couldn't help but allow a small, relieved smile escape me as I got closer to the station.

Just for it to immediately crash and burn.

I had no money on me for the train trip to somewhere random place. I eventuallly made it to the platform, scouting it for mares. There were a few of them, but all of them had a stallion with them, meaning that they were being taken care of. I approached a random train, I didn't see a conductor, a guard or any kind of security measure.

A hatch was open on the side of the train and a few backpacks and bags were lying there. It was a long-shot, but it was one I was willing to do to escape Canterlot. Looking around to reassure myself that nopony was watching me, I climbed into the storage compartment and moved a few bags and backpacks to conceal me from any prying eyes.

About five minutes later, the hatch closed shut with a slam and I moved a particularly soft backpack so it was beneath my head. I yawned. Huh, who would've known escaping from a mob of horny horses would take so much energy? I rolled over to my side just as the train started rolling slowly.

”Aaaall aboard!”

I closed my eyes and sighed. Yeah... Catching up on some sleep was a good idea at the moment.

I remember why I hate trains now.

The neverending bumping, creaking, groaning, shaking and general noise prevented me from falling asleep as the train picked up in speed. I couldn't see in the darkness but I could feel how bloodshot my eyes were. A scowl had etched itself permanently on my face. Yeah, I was not having a good day at all so far.

I had been on the train for about three hours so far, If I had to guess. The train had stopped a few times and anytime the compartment would open, I pressed myself as far in as I could go to avoid being spotted. Finally though, the train's brakes screeched especially loud as we were approaching a station. I gritted my teeth.

Fuck this. Getting out.

As soon as the train had stopped, I heard hooves approaching the hatch. I shimmied to the front, closest to the hatch. As soon as it opened, I threw myself out, stood up and dusted myself off. The ponies stared at me with their mouths hanging open.

I adjusted the collar of the bathrobe, brushed a hand through my hair and turned to the closest stallion and nodded to him. ”Gentlemen.”

He just nodded back, still not saying anything. I decided that now was a good time to take my leave before they recomposed. I turned to the town I had just arrived to. And... I have to admit that it was hauntingly familiar.

”Current stop; Ponyville! Next stop, Appleoosa!” I heard the conductor yell from the train.

So... I'm in Ponyville. The town with the highest mare-to-stallion ratio with the mares winning by a landslide... In the middle of the heat season. Also as if it wasn't sadistically cruel already, this town was also the home of the Elements of Harmony.

This won't end well, I can feel it

Author's Note

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this. The chapters will have a 1000 to 2500 word limit.