Sinners in the Hooves of an Angry Goddess

by Avox

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2405

While rummaging through her belongings, Cadance and Twilight stumble across a hilariously embarrassing secret of Luna's.

While on a diplomatic trip to the Zebrican Isles, Cadance, Twilight, and Spike stumble across a hilariously embarrassing secret of Luna's.

Luna doesn't think it's nearly as funny as they do.

Published 2014-10-19 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-19 20:00:01 UTC

One Order of Merciless Vengeance (With a Side of Pickles)

"Fiddlesticks!" Cadance shouted, head darting up from the contents of her suitcase haphazardly strewn about the floor. "I forgot to pack my pickle jar opener!"

Twilight's own head shot up, eyes wide as dinner plates. "Dang it! I knew that I forgot something..."

This time, both of their heads whipped around to look at Spike with big, beady eyes, pleading for his saving grace.

He threw his arms out in exasperation, leaning back against the headrest of the bed. "Twi packed all my bags, so she'd know better than I would. And why in Equestria would I have brought one anyway? Those nasty little cucumber imposters never did anypony any good. I swear to the sun, one day they will be the death of the pony race. I'll never understand why you all love them so much."

Cadance's face scrunched up and she stuck her tongue out at him. "Oh, you sound exactly like Shining Armor. It's always something with him—'Don't eat pickles in bed, they'll stain the sheets!' or 'Don't eat pickles in the nice carriage, you'll stain the upholstery! or 'Don't eat pickles in your wedding dress, you'll stain it!' I'll eat my pickles where I damn well please, thank you very much, Mister Almost-Married-A-Changeling-Queen-Instead-Of-My-Fiancé. Hmmph."

"I know, right?!" Twilight said, nodding in agreement. "Men never understand."

Spike sighed. "I swear, I hate all of you." He then proceeded to roll off the bed, landing with a thump. He then continued to roll underneath it, all in one fluid motion. "Wow, it sure is dusty under here," he said, voice muffled by the mattress above him.

Once she decided she was done being confused, Cadance turned to Twilight. "Maybe Luna brought hers?"

Both their gazes shifted to Luna's bag sitting across the room.

"We should probably wait until she gets back, right?" Twilight asked.

"Definitely," Cadance replied, nodding. "We should respect her privacy."

...After a moment, both their gazes sifted two feet to the left, where Luna's pickle supply—standing at least two heads taller than either of them and twice as wide—sat. Their mouths began salivating, and a bead of sweat formed on Cadance's forehead.

Twilight turned to Cadance. "Now that I think about it, she wouldn't mind, right? It is for a good cause..."

"Definitely," Cadance replied, this time nodding fervently. "She wouldn't mind at all."

"Hey guys, I think I found somepony’s secret stash of raisins!" Spike shouted from his vantage point underneath the bed.

After sharing one final guilty look, they dove forth, digging into Luna's luggage like Pinkie Pie into her secret veggie stash that she thought nopony knew about but secretly they all did.

Once Luna's belongings had been sprayed across the whole room, Twilight jumped up with a bright smile. More importantly, however, was the enormous hammer held between her teeth. "Mph phnd it, Mph phnd it!" she cheered.

Cadance's wings flitted at her sides in anticipation. "Yes! Thank goodness!"

Still beaming, Twilight trotted over to the Leaning Tower of Pickle Jars and delicately assaulted it with the hammer repeatedly, splattering pickle juice everywhere and releasing a plethora of the mighty delicacies onto the floor for them to feast upon...

...The passage of fifteen minutes left the two of them sprawled out on the floor, covered in half-eaten pickles and stuffed to the bursting point.

"Ugh," Twilight grumbled after taking a bite of another pickle, "I'm so full..."

"Tell me about it," Cadance said, lazily rolling onto her other side.

Suddenly, something in her peripheral vision sparkled. She turned her head to get a better look at it and saw it was a book, tightly bound with a disproportionately large padlock. Grunting in effort, the book began to slide toward her via her magic, and before long she held it in her grasp.

"What is that?" Twilight asked.

"Do you guys think I should try one of the raisins? I think I'm going to try one of the raisins."

"I'unno," Cadance said. "Must've been in Luna's suitcase. Maybe it's a diary of some sort?"

Twilight looked at the book, then at the door, then back at Cadance. "...She's still in her whole welcoming meeting thingamajig with the zebran bureaucrats. She shouldn't be back for another twenty minutes or so."

The shared guilty look made a comeback, this time followed by a sigh. After a moment, Cadance's horn lit, and the tumblers within the keyhole rattled. She fiddled with it for a moment, and then the lock clicked open. "Heh, did she really think that lock would stop anypony?"

Twilight scooted closer to Cadance, brushing a few stray pickles out of the way. "Probably. She can be somewhat nearsighted like that at times."

Slowly, hesitantly, the pretty pink pony princess peeled open the book, the crinkle of the pages assaulting her ear drums.

"I'm going to try one. I'm gonna do it. Like, right now," Spike said. "Three... two... one..."

Twilight peered over her shoulder, and together the two of them read the first page. Once finished, they turned to each other, wicked smiles adorning their faces.

A disgusting hacking sound arose from underneath the bed. "Oh goddess, that was definitely not a raisin..." Spike mumbled. "I think I'm gonna be sick—"

Cadance devilishly turned to the page, eyes pouring over the words like gallons upon gallons of pickle juice all over her fuzzy, fur-covered body. "Oh my Celestia, this is going to be fun..."

Luna followed a few paces behind the young zebra escorting her, eager to be back at her room. The others had managed to weasel their way out of the opening ceremonies, but as leader of this diplomatic mission, she couldn't. Somepony had to be there, since it was kinda sorta a festival dedicated to appreciating equine heritage. Usually Celestia was the one who had to suffer for it, but she decided to shove it on the other princesses this year... and Spike, of course.

The zebra himself was nice enough, though he wasn't very talkative. She had tried tossing out a few ice breakers, maybe initiate a little small talk, but he didn't bite. She didn't understand why. She had used all the typical equestrian greetings, after all—'Hello, what's your name?' or 'Do you like to dunk your pickles in maple syrup too?' or 'On a scale from one to Celestia's private food pantry, how much do you like pickles?'

And she had got absolutely nothing out of him. Can you believe it?

Eventually, the zebra came to a halt, silently gesturing to the room before her. The door was enormous, as this was the finest guest room the zebras had to offer. It sat in the very top tower of the king and queen's castle—more than luxurious enough for twenty princesses, let alone three and a baby dragon.

But that wasn't what she noticed upon reaching the door. The first thing she noticed were the fits of giggles rolling from underneath it, punctuated by the occasional crunching sound.

Hesitantly, she pushed open the door...

The sight that met her upon entering the room was strange, to say the least.

The room was a complete wreck. Clothes and the like were covering every single inch of the room, making it nearly impossible to walk. On the far side sat Twilight and Cadance, who, upon seeing her, froze. Half a pickle hung out out of Twilight's mouth, and Cadance tried fruitlessly to hide something behind her back. Oddly enough, Spike was nowhere to be seen.

"What in Equestria is going on here?" Luna asked.

"Nothing!" they both chirped in response.

"This certainly doesn't look like nothing. And are those my pickles?"

"N-no..." Twilight mumbled.

"You broke into the stash without me?" Luna asked, sounding more hurt than angry.

"It's not like that, I promise!" Cadance shouted. "We thought you would be back sooner and—"

"...And what is that behind your back?"

"That would be my hoof," Cadance replied.

Luna cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, then take it out from behind your back."

"No thank you."

Luna glowered down at Cadance, who replied with a toothy grin. After a moment of their little showdown, Luna let out a low growl and pounced.

Cadance squealed and flailed her hooves, trying to throw Luna off her. Unfortunately, Luna had the element of surprise on her side, and Cadance knew that she was fighting a losing battle. In a last ditch effort, she chucked the book across the room into Twilight's outstretched hooves.

Luna whipped around, eyes locking on the book in Twilight's grasp. "Is that..."

"...Your book of poetry?" Twilight finished for her with a giggle. "Yes, yes it is."

"You wouldn't dare," she seethed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, but we already did," Cadance answered with a wicked grin, still pinned underneath Luna.

"The aftertaste is actually kinda good," Spike said. "Maybe they are raisins after all?"

Twilight cleared her throat and began to read aloud, Luna's face going bleach white.

"The Black Abyss of Righteous Hatred, by Princess Luna," Twilight began.

"Don't. You. Dare," Luna muttered.

And dare she did.

"Even dead flowers rot.
The darkness tickles me
The more I struggle."

Luna lunged, but Twilight ducked left. "I SWEAR TO THE MOON, I WILL CASTRATE YOU, FILLY!"

"I am you are me.
Black lips whisper darker thoughts,
Brooding silently."

Luna lunged once more, this time catching Twilight. However, the pickle juice covering her coat and the floor made it easy to slip out of Luna's stranglehold. "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! DON'T TEST ME, YOU FILTHY LITTLE OXYGEN THIEF!"

"Mmm. Maybe they're chocolate-covered raisins?" Spike added helpfully.

"I sparked this madness,
And know things I don't want to.
Loneliness is joy. "

"That one doesn't even make sense," Cadance said.

Luna turned around to snarl at her, causing her to cower behind the bed. She then spun around on her hooves and dove at Twilight, this time pinning her to the ground with her whole body.

Twilight squirmed, but Luna held fast. Eventually Twilight relented, tired from the chase and from laughing so hard.

Luna leaned in close, muzzle inches from Twilight's; there was nothing between them but thin air and the strangely unnerving scent of pickles. After a moment, Twilight's expression sobered.

"You wanna play this game?" Luna snarled breathlessly, causing Twilight to shiver. "Well, Princess, I know one of your secrets too."

Twilight gulped. She pressed herself further against the floor to put some distance between them, but Luna's weight still remained on firmly on top of her.

Spike's head poked out from underneath the bed, holding a handful of raisins. "Secrets? Ohh, this is about to get good."

Luna grinned. "A little birdie told that back in grade school, you were convinced that you were a vampony. You used to wear fake teeth and a cape and everything. You even used to bite your parents, trying to transform them."

"I was just a filly!" Twilight pleaded, face bright red. "I didn't know any better!"

"Hah, that's nothing compared to what I've got on Twilight," Cadance said. "Back when I used to foalsit her, we went to the park almost every day. And guess what? She used to eat the grass and pretend she was a cow. Like, all the time."

"Wait, that was supposed to be a secret?" Spike asked after popping a few raisins into his mouth. "Does that mean I shouldn't have told everypony back in Ponyville?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Oh, you're hardly one to talk, Cadance. You used to hoard Shining’s old, empty shampoo bottles in your attic, before he even knew who you were. You thought nopony ever noticed, but we did. Every single one of us."

Cadance's ears splayed. “Heh, yeah... used to…”

"And you, Luna. I know for a fact that you still have imaginary friends. A lot of 'em, too."

Luna's eyes glowered and she let out a hiss, leaning closer to Twilight's face. "Don't you dare talk about Sasha like that!"

"I'll say whatever I want about Sasha!" Twilight said, spitting in Luna's face.

"Why you little..." Luna seethed. She wrapped her hooves around Twilights neck, but alas, Twilight was too fast for her. Still lubed up from the pickle juice, she easily slipped away and scrambled to her hooves. Immediately after, she threw herself at Luna, catching her by surprise and taking her to the ground. Luna let out a shriek and swatted at Twilight's head, and the two began to wrestle, yelling unintelligible obscenities at one another.

"Hey," Cadance said, "I feel excluded." She then proceeded to lunge into the cat-fight, pulling at both their manes.

"Hey, uh, guys?" Spike said, a twinge of fear creeping into his voice.

Nothing.

"Guys! Listen!" he repeated a bit louder.

Still nothing.

"LISTEN!" he screeched at the top of his lungs.

The three princesses stopped in their tracks, looking like they were caught in the middle of some weird version of Twister that involved copious amounts of pickles.

"What is it, Spike?" Twilight asked. "Can't you see that we're a little busy?"

In lieu of a response, he merely pointed to the door.

Slowly, the three of them turned their heads only to see that the door was still ajar. Inside the doorway stood the quiet zebra who had escorted Luna back to their room, and behind him were thirty more curious servants.

Cadance chuckled nervously. "Uh... hello?"

"...Equine culture is so fascinating," the first zebra said. "Is this some kind of nightly, pickle-eating, secret-sharing, wrestling ritual that you ponies participate in?"

The girls shared a surprised look, then nodded slowly, searching for some way out.

"Why yes, yes it is," Luna said. "Would you like us to teach you how it's done?"

"...Actually, we would greatly appreciate that," the zebra replied. "Perhaps we could include it in the festivities? Hay, we could even get the whole kingdom in on it!"

Spike shovelled raisins into his mouth like popcorn at a movie theater, desperately trying to contain his laughter.

Twilight smiled sheepishly. "Well, uh, here's how you start..."

"Okay," Princess Celestia said, eyes lingering on each of the three other princesses for a moment, "which one of you is going to explain to me why I received a letter from the zebras expressing their thanks for introducing them to 'The Great Pickle Wrestling Ceremony?"

Author's Note

I am so sorry.