Roman Pink

by ChucklesMcJingleberry

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Human
Length: 4165

Pinkamenus is a soldier in the Roman Empire, lead by Julius Celestus. His over the top and hyper active nature is seen as womanly and unseemly for a soldier of the empire, and so he is faced with a choice. Either change his behavior, or be executed.

Pinkamenus is a soldier in the Roman Empire, lead by Celesticle Caesar. His over the top and hyper active nature is seen as womanly and unseemly for a soldier of the empire, and so he is faced with a choice. Either change his behavior, or face exile.
This story will detail the struggles of Pinkamenus, a R63ed Pinkie Pie and human soldier of the Roman empire as he tries to deny himself his true nature.

If you are wondering what Pinkie looks like in this, use this for reference.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-11 00:13:48 UTC

The Order

Pinkamenus stood in the gaping hole of the boar skin tent, his feet shaking. Never before had he lain eyes upon the beautiful and strong face of his Caesar, the powerful Celesticle, except on the gold coin currency, with which he was more familiar with than others. Coming from a wealthy family, Pinkamenus was raised with the one of the highest educations, trained in the combat arts learned by scholars from across the seas. These styles were brought back to the legion and are only available to those with close relations to the family of the Caesar.

Minutes had passed, and Pinkamenus still had not moved.

"Come in." A commanding voice called. It was one of the guards, trained their whole lives to protect and serve the Caesar. Pinkamenus obeyed the order. Walking into the tent, Pinkamenus found himself standing in front of a boar skin and bone throne. There was an opening in the roof of the tent, allowing light to shine down on the throne. He stood there for a few more moments before an authoritative voice called to him.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" It was another guard. Unsure as to what he was referring to, suddenly Pinkamenus snapped upright. Standing at attention, he lowered himself to the ground, kneeling on one knee and having his head tilted down, that he could only see the paved dirt floor beneath him. After some shuffling noises around him, and the sound of creaking, Pinkamenus heard a voice, deep, dark. and rumbling. Pinkamenus trembled at the sound of it.

"Face me." It called. He obeyed, without hesitation. Before him, sitting upon his throne, was the Caesar. Celesticle.

"Oh great Caesar, what is it that this humble soldier can do to serve you?" Pinkamenus begged, humbly. The Caesar paused for dramatic effect.

"I've been hearing alot about you, Pinkamenus." Pinkamenus kissed the dirt, as was expected when the Caesar addresses you by name. "And to be frank, I'm not pleased." Pinkamenus' heart began to race, displeasing the Caesar was not something someone who intended on living a full thirty years would do.

"Oh Glorious Caesar, if I have done anything to displease you, I beg of you the chance to amend this err, and do all in my power to show my gratifaction." Celesticle looked off into the distance, pondering for a moment.

"Well, before we can solve the problem, we must first address it, understand it, the cause and the effect it has, and what keeps it around." He paused for dramatic effect. "Firstly, addressing it. You, Pinkamenus, skip through our streets, beaming smiles and men and women alike. Not even the slaves are spared the light of your eyes." The Caesar paused, expecting a response. Pinkamenus stalled, before taking the invitation to speak.

"My liege, I humbly beg your pardon for my inferior mind, but I fear I cannot comprehend whatever it is that thine eyes do perceive. What is it about my behavior that displeases you?" Celestical hummed to himself for about half an hour, Pinkamenus waited silently, and then finally, he spoke.

"Then let me give further exposition to that which offends me. Your fellow soldiers walk down the street, and see you speaking to other men, waving your hands around wildly, jumping in place and shouting at the top of your lungs. At one time, they have heard you even squeal like a child..." Pinkamenus still did not understand. This angered the Caesar. "You are no man! You are a woman!" He shouted, rising from his throne. "You behave more like the women of the other cultures than a man of the empire, with even your brightly colored hair, the way you walk and the way you speak, you give a bad light on the legion! I give you this warning, and I give it once. Behave like a man, and stop embarrassing my men, and show the might of the legion in your every step. Do this, or face exile."  Pinkamenus trembled at the voice of his mighty god leader.

"But, I am just a simple man. How could I ever change my very nature?"

"You will, or else. Though, I suppose you are right, you do need something to motivate you. A taste of a life below your standards should be sufficient. I am cutting off some of your resources, and I hereby command that you surrender one of your servants. I don't care to whom, just someone who can support the extra mouth.You will be moved into a lower class housing, and guards will no longer be stationed at your tent. You shall have to go to the market yourself and retrieve your own food, like the peasants do. However, enough money will be provided that you can sustain yourself, and the servant you choose to keep. Now, I grow weary of your presence. Begone, until summoned again. By the end of the month, you will be a man, or you will be gone from my empire." With a stomp of his foot, Celesticle had the the very ground around Pinkamenus shake. He got up and ran, fearful for his life.

Parting Ways

Two days had passed since Pinkamenus had his rank diminished, and this third day was going to be one of the worst. Before him stood Gummotae, and Scootose. Both, his servants. Gummotae, a young boy he had rescued from a camp of savages. He seemed to be a chinese. He was mute, the abuse the savages had put him through rendered him unable to speak. Despite this, Pinkamenus still had developed a great emotional attachment to him. The other, Scootose, the daughter of a whore. She had since been put to death for having relations with a man other than her owner. She was a fisty, and occassionally disrespectful girl, and often got smacked around for it by other soldiers. Pinkamenus enjoyed her company though, and cared deeply for the girl. One of them had to go, he couldn't support both of them. Scootose, if he gave her away, not many of the other men were as lenient with their servants as Pinkamenus. She would likely suffer a great deal of abuse, unless Pinkamenus chose carefully. Gummotae, servants like him were often put to death, not only because of their association with the Chinese, but because he was weaker than the others, his muteness and his weak arms. Gummotae would not be safe with any other master, this Pinkamenus was on grounds with. But Scootose, a girl like her, with her kind of personality, would get nowhere good.

Pinkamenus angrily pounded his table with his fists. This is too hard... Why would the Caesar make me choose between them? Gummotae was the first to approach his master. He placed two of his fingers at the edge of his desk, a sign that Pinkamenus had come to recognize as concern. Scootose followed after Gummotae.

"Master, what is wrong? Food has been short lately, and you constantly pace outside. I have even heard you cry one night!" Pinkamenus just looked at Scootose, a mix of worry and solemn acceptance of the situation filling his mind.

"Scootose, there is something you must know." How do I go about this? I... I feel so lost... Pinkamenus looked to Gummotae, and tilted his head to the door, a sign that he wanted privacy. Gummotae obeyed without hesitation. When they were alone, Pinkamenus let a deep sigh role out. Scootose sat on her knees.

"Scootose, the Caesar is angry with me." Pinkamenus was silent, unsure where to go from here. The young girl's nature took over, and she made an outburst.

"And?" She quickly cusped her mouth with her hands, and looked up to see the annoyed face on Pinkamenus. It vanished quickly.

"And... I cannot support both you and Gummotae anymore. I must find a home for one of you."

"So... your giving Gummotae to the Chinese, right?" Pinkamenus had learned to ignore words like this from Scootose, she just didn't know any better.

"No Scootose. If he is sent to the Chinese, or even to another master here, he will be killed for his weakness. There is no safe place for him but with me. So you see now?" There was a dragged out silence between them, tears filling both of their eyes.

"But... Where will I go?" Scootose finally forced down her tears. She had a stronger heart than Pinkamenus, who had his face buried in his arms. He looked up to her, gasping for air, tears flowing like a river, his lips quivering.

"I don't know... I... There must be... somewhere for you." Pinkamenus rummaged through papers in his drawer, lists of names on all of them. Most he just moved to the side, he was looking for a specific set. After rummaging for five minutes, he found it. Long ago, Pinkamenus had been in a situation where it was possible he would part with Scootose, before he had taken Gummotae in. This was a list of potential homes for her. It was a short list, only four names. One, he crossed off with a quill, as the name bearer had died.

"Here, read this... It's... a list of men you may be able to live with." Pinkamenus pushed the paper across to the other side of his table and then returned to sobbing in his hands. Scootose looked over the names, and scratched one out in anger Pinkamenus didn't notice this.

A few minutes had passed when Scootose nudged the arm of Pinkamenus. He raised his head and looked up at her, who was actually holding her composure very well now. He then lowered his eyes to the list, and saw a name circled.

Rainbowmere.

Rainbowmere was trained along side Pinkamenus at birth, until he was placed into a different century. They recently had been reintroduced, Rainbowmere being a higher rank than Pinkamenus, having a massive tent and three servants, though easily being able to house seven. Back in Rome, they had larger, marble structures, but here they were on a mission deemed important enough that even the Caesar, Celesticle... lets just say that name again... Celesticle... okay now then,  a mission deemed important enough that even Celesticle himself was traveling along side them. He lived a long ways through their war camp, so they had to set off for a long walk.

As they passed through the camp, Pinkamenus walked silently, and without any skipping or smiling. This was a very... unnerving change for most of the people that lived where Pinkamenus frequented. It didn't take long for one of the men to approach him.

"Ho! Pinkamenus! What is it that chains thine heart under these summer skies. Your eyes seem heavy as stones, and they weigh even your head to the dusty earth. I pray the tell, what is it that murders the beauty and joy in your life?" Pinkamenus lifted his heavy eyes to meet Big Macros, a fashioner of weapons. He was almost twice the size of Pinkamenus, and his tent came with a wooden beam to keep his tent large enough to fit its owner.

Pinkamenus gasped for breath for a moment, fighting to hold back his tears so that he could speak. Scootose spoke for him.

"He cant afford to support me and Gummotae anymore... He has to give me up." She said, forcing the words out. Macros gave her an annoyed glare, it is considered inappropriate for women to speak without first being spoken to in the legion. Pinkamenus placed a hand Scootose's shoulder, and reinforced her confidence.

"Well that certainly is a shame. I know how close you are to your servants. If you ever need a shoulder, I'm here for you." Pinkamenus smiled quietly at Macros. "Now then, I had better get back to work. Were sending out a raiding party and one of those idiots broke their spear tip in half. How does one even do that? Have a good day, Pinkamenus." Macros walked back to his tent, the tools on his belt jingling and shining.

The pair continued walking to their destination, and finally came to the tall tent of Rainbowmere. Parting the flaps, Pinkamenus entered the tent and looked around. There were tables lining the sides of the tent. Set upon them were armors from different tribes, foreign weaponry, all showcasing Rainbowmeres victories over countless enemy soldiers. He loved to show off his prowess. Snoring, which was previously inaudible, assaulted them like a tidal wave. A servant walked up to the two.

"Yes sir. How can I serve?" Silently, Pinkamenus pointed to Rainbowmere, who was on his side in a bed, facing the tent's wall.

"But sir, he isn't supposed to be stirred until late in the afternoon. This is his second nap of the day." With an aggravated snort, Pinkamenus pushed past the young boy and nudged his sleeping friend. Rainbowmere rolled over after a few moments, at looked up wearily at Pinkamenus. They stared at eachother silently, and then Rainbowmere started talking absent mindedly.

"Have you ever dreamt you were flying? Because I was just-"

"We don't care." Scootose deadpanned, her personality overriding her self preservation instincts. This snapped Rainbowmere awake. He glared at her furiously, and was about to light her up when Pinkamenus shifted his Rainbow's attention back to himself.

"Rainbowmere... The Caesar is angered with me, and has cut my resources. I can no longer support my servants." He forced this out, with a choke. Rainbowmere was still dwelling on Scootose's disrespect, and was pushing himself into an upright position.

"You really must smack that girl straight, because you know the other men will give her worse than you ever would.

"Hopefully, you may do better than I have..." Pinkamenus trailed off.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Damnit! Were you not listening? I cannot afford to house this one anymore!"

"And what is it that thou expects me to do about it?"

"I've come here to request that you, by her decision, take her in. I know you can aford it, and have heard you were considering taking another in. If this is true, I request that you take in her. I wouldn't trust another." Rainbowmere squinted his eyes, and studied Scootose for a long moment. Then, he addressed her.

"You have been coddled your entire life by this one. You realize that, if I take you in, you will not be given the same freedom you've had with him. By the end of this month, you can expect to be bruised for your tresspasses. Do you understand this?"

"I do." She said, no hesitation in her voice.

"Then yes, I will take her in. Im glad you brought her to me, she might not survive with another man. Is that all you-" Pinkamenus had left silently, knowing exactly how things would play out. It was crushing his heart too much to stay, and a goodbye would have rendered him emotionally destroyed. Perhaps later, when he was more stable in mind, he could return and say a few final words to Scootose. But now, he simply couldn't take it. Yes, perhaps this was a selfish, and illogical decision. But selfishness is justifiable by the necessity of self preservation of the mind, and the illogicality is justified by this... by this being Pinkie Pie.

Looking for Help

Wonk!

Gummotae whacked Pinkamenus hard in the face with a wooden club. Pinkamenus proceeded to roll on the ground for a time. This had become their usual routine: whenever Pinkamenus would behave like a chick, Gummotae would take his wooden club and smack him in the face or balls. This was the end of the first week, and many failed attempts at changing Pinkamenus. The first attempt was: Gummotae would count all the times Pinkamenus would misbehave, and for each time he would make one large cut anywhere on his body. All of those cuts ended up on his hands, the bottom of his feet, and on his butt. Pinkamenus was still feeling the pain in everything he did.

"Fucklebuckets! Thats it, we need to try something else." Pinkamenus got to his feet. Gummotae handed the wooden club to Pinkamenus, who shoved it into his hair. It went on to live a life as a constellation in Luna's mane in the real FiM series, but that is another story, and will be told another time.

"There must be something better than pain." He crossed his hands behind his back, and walked down from the hill his tent was on. Their camp was set near a flourishing city with many famous scholars and philosophers, perhaps one of them had a tonic or a treatment that could fix Pinkamenus. With Gummotae by his side, and a band of rowdy companions, whom Pinkamenus had promised to buy a round of drinks once they get into the metropolis.

"What's the place called?" One of the men asked.

"Ambrosia Delight. It's the bestest place ever!" Pinkamenus shouted, jumping into the air. Gummotae grabbed a nearby rock and threw it at the back of his head. One of the men grabbed his dagger, and was about to slit Gummotae's throat when one of Pinkamenus' closer friends held him back, and explained the situation. Gummotae spent the time exchanging whatever rock he held for one that looked sharper, and it got to the point where Pinkamenus was almost fearful that one of those rocks could take his head off.

They reached the metropolis, the sounds of thousands of feet quaking on the hollow floor. The foundation of the city was built like a drum, that way the sound of people was amplified to intimidate any oncoming attackers. It was a truly ingenious tactic, as many assaults have been averted by sheer intimidation. Each citizen was required by law to carry a weapon, and to have at least two years training with it, even the women. This made the city looked down upon, as the idea of women and slaves carrying weapons was highly frowned upon by the rest of the world at the time. The people didn't care though, they saw the massive decline in crime for themselves, and realized this was the best way to ensure safety. Many decades later, they would go on to found Switzerland.

"Searching through the city, they found the soothing orange lights from Ambrosia Delight. This pub was designed by some of the city's philosophers, who believed that light, in some way, effected mood. They experienced with fire and dyed glass, until they found a color that caused men to experience happiness and docility. They believed this was the color of the light that shown in heaven. This very color shown everywhere in the Ambrosia Delight, and in the area surrounding. This, among other 'special' services made the Ambrosia Delight legendary among the men of Rome. It was the philosophers that helped construct this place that Pinkamenus sought for. If they had light that made men happier, maybe they had one that made men... manlier. This was, Pinkamenus hoped, the best pain free way to help make himself normal.

"Now, we've agreed on this. Only 10% of the money we brought goes to the courtesans, we don't want them to suck up all our money. That sucking should be used elsewhere." One of the men stated, approaching the large building between big wooden beams supporting the white stone floor of the balcony. They all chuckled at the innuendo. Pinkamus had a merry night, much drinking and story telling was had, and they spent hours working off their stress in the back rooms. When all was said and done, they made their way into the streets, the orange light making the world swirl around them in a kind of happy ignorance. Their legs were weak from both liquor and pounding, and their senses were all but deadened. Stumbling to the side of the road, Pinkamenus found himself passing out as his friends made their way back to the camp, oblivious to the loss of their companion.

Pinkamenus awoke to the sensation of a brick being slammed into his forehead. I know, I have a hangover right now. Anyway,   he clenched the sides of his head with his palms. Next, he noticed a figure clutching his leg. It was Gummotae, sound asleep. He looked up left and right and saw there was a man leaning against the wall, a sword hanging from his belt. He looked down and saw Pinkamenus stirring.

"Good morning, sir. I saw you and your companion vulnerable on the side of the street and took it upon myself to stand guard incase someone would try to take your belongings or companion." After closer inspection, Pinkamenus realized it was actually just a young boy leaning against the wall. He was tall for his age, but his voice gave him away.

"Thank- Agh!" Pinkamenus clutched his head.

"First time at the Ambrosia Delight, huh? I've seen many men come out like you, but I've never seen someone pass out right in the street. You must have emptied a whole keg." His words were kind, but felt like spears in Pinkamenus' ears. He groaned, and covered his ears. "Come now, sir. Let me help you up and take you into my home." During this day and age, people did not have to worry about all the weirdo stuff they do today, so Pinkamenus had nothing to fear from the boy. He took his arm, and carried Gummotae in his left arm. They walked to the boy's stone and wood house, where his mother and father were trying to fit a furnace into the wall. The mother carried many tools and handed them to the man as he needed them. They looked up in surprise when Pinkamenus addressed them.

"Sir, I have been brought here by your son for shelter." The man walked away from his work and approached his son.

"Who is this man? Why have you brought him here?"

"He is a soldier from the war camp up the hills, he passed out on the street after visiting the Ambrosia Delight and now his head is plagued by the liquor. He needs a place to rest, don't you think father?" Pinkamenus' headache had lessened, but it was still there. He winced at the scraping sound of the wife moving tools around. The father saw this and believed the boy.

"Come, soldier, any servant of the Caesar is welcome in my home. You may rest as long as you need before returning to your camp. It would be my honor really. Matilda." The old man said calmly. "Would you take our guest up stairs?" She nodded quietly. To Pinkamenus, they seemed a nice enough couple. Quiet and reserved, obviously wanting to just be together with their child. Matilda brought him up to the childs room, and he slept on the childs bed for a majority of the day.

When he awoke, it was time to begin a search for a scribe who could assist him.  He searched about the city for a structure that looked intellectual. To be frank, he had never spoken to a philosopher in all his life, or even seen where they worked or what they did. But he had heard stories about the wonders they did, about how fast they could speak, read and write. All the things they could memorize, and the problems they could solve. Pinkamenus was confident that with the help of an intellectual scribe, he could fix himself to be the best soldier he could be.

Well, it really wouldn't be so interesting to describe the arduous process he went through of asking one person after another where he could find the men of intellect, but he did, in the end, find a building populated by philosophers. It was there that he met a very intelligent Scribe. His name was Sparkrates. He studied behavior, and this was exactly what Pinkamenus needed.

"Pardon me." Pinkamenus grabbed the shoulder of Sparkrates, who was writing in a book on a table.

"Ah! Hey! Do you know how long I spent trying to make sure these shoulders were of even length? Now you've screwed my robes up!" There was a brief silence between them as Sparkrates tried making the sleeve lengths equal on his purple robes. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me. What can I do for you?" Pinkamenus took a moment to prepare himself. That freakout had caught him off guard.

"I was hoping you would be able to help me, I'm having some trouble with my behavior. I don;t think I act as a soldier should." Sparkrates nodded slowly, and then looked down to see Gummotae observing him with unblinking eyes.

"...Mhm... alright then, so if you are looking to change your behavior, I may be able to help. Would you be willing to try some experimental methods, to see how they work?"

"Sure!"