The Galactic Adventures of Derpy and Twilight

by PenileCorrectionSurgery

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 4530

Just when everything seems like it's just fine in Equestria for a change, something begins to threaten the entire universe - and only two ponies are capable of preventing it.

Twilight is just trying to have a nice quiet day without any enlightening escapades or adventures, but that was never really going to happen, was it? No. When the friendly neigh-bourhood mailmare gets a tipoff that the fate of existence is at stake, she needs the magic of Twilight Sparkle to help her along, and drags her unwilling passenger across the galaxy in a voyage of the highest importance.

Cover Art by me as part of the Terrible-GIMP-Coverart-Collection(tm) DONUTSTEAL

Published 2014-05-28 22:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-31 17:34:05 UTC

A Quiet Day

It was a normal day in the peaceful land of Equestria, there were no wars, no evil omnipotent supervillains attempting world domination or to enslave all of ponykind. Everyone was having a lovely day and the universe probably wasn’t at risk from total destruction from a force beyond comprehension and scale. All the usual ponies could be seen out and about in the quaint backwater town of ponyville: a familiar butter yellow pegasus was being mentally abused by a small furry mammal, a mint green unicorn was embarrassing her friend by being herself. And of course an orange earth pony with a wide brimmed Stetson was locked in a duel across time and space with a creature made entirely from teeth and guns… wait, what? Anyway, it was about as normal as is possible, for most ponies, which inevitably meant that a particular cross-eyed mare was being her usual weird self.

Derpy Hooves rocketed through ponyville as fast as an enraged dinosaur-eagle, a determined frown crossing her muzzle and her ears flat against her head, She was on a mission and nothing would slow her down. Except any of the huge array of dangerous animals from the everfree who seemed to wander into town at least once a fortnight, but assuming that there were no ursa majors or manticores or cockatrices, nothing would slow her down.

“Oh, Hey Derpy. What’s the ru-” The grey mare didn’t catch the rest of the sentence as she blasted through the street, overturning an ingeniously drab looking stall selling tiny flowers in brightly coloured boxes that ponies felt inclined to buy, for some reason. She ignored the offensive curses and threats of the owner and continued on her way without even blinking. Suddenly she got an image of a dancing squirrel stuck in her head. Why? why now? She thought, shaking the image from her mind. Finally, her destination was in sight.

THUD!

“Spiiike, I think I heard somepony at the door.” Twilight briefly looked up from her desk and turned around to face the dragon. “SPIKE!” Little did she know that at that very moment, her beloved pet/son/little brother/friend/slave was plotting her demise. In the guise of sleep, the thing that appeared to be a dragon built upon the plans he had been constructing for over a year now. The sheer number of the network of maps and flowcharts in his mind were enough to drive anything with the will power of up to a demigod insane. Just as he was placing the final piece into a complex tree of possible results for an action, the voice he had grown to despise so much disrupted his concentration and the entire chart was lost into the ether. Spike was not happy.

“Yeah yeah, I’m going, jeez.” Spike hauled himself from his basket and trudged down the stairs with the enthusiasm of a ham sandwich to see who was so determined to ruin his carefully laid plans.

“Hi Spike!” Derpy exclaimed enthusiastically as soon as the dragon opened the door. “I wanted to make an entrance, but that door is hard.”

“Right.” Spike drawled, hardly even listening. “Come in, through this nice open door then.” He stepped aside and allowed the pegasus to enter.

Derpy’s face was stern, a strange expression when combined with her wall-eyes. Spike was slightly taken aback, the mare was usually so… bubbly, like her cutie mark, but she seemed deadly serious. “I need to speak to Twilight, I think she’s the only one who can help me.”

“Uhh, yeah. Of course.” He dragged himself lazily back up the stairs and muffled voices could be heard.

Twilight appeared suddenly in a flash of purple and slowly fading white stars. “Hello Derpy, I hear you wanted to speak with me?”

“Yes.”

There was a noticeable pause before Twilight picked up the conversation “Erm… any particular subject?”

“One of the utmost importance, I’ll explain on the way!” Derpy grabbed Twilight’s hoof in hers and shot out of the open door, her expression turning smug for a moment at how important sounding her last sentence was. They then flew up to about roof level and Derpy felt the squirrel returning, creeping in from the side of her vision, attempting to infiltrate her mind with its smooth moves. “NOOOO!” The mare shouted out loud as she lost awareness of the rest of the world.

Spike rubbed his eyes once in sleepy confusion, before reality sunk in. He watched as the two ponies shot around the corner. “TWILIGHT!”

“Derpy! What in Luna’s name are you doing? Let go of me!” The lavender unicorn grappled with her telekinesis magic but her kidnapper was stronger than she made out to be, gripping Twilight’s wrist with badger-like strength.

Without another word, The grey mare angled herself steeply upwards. Twilight’s struggling was slowing her down and she decided the extra height would… discourage her a bit. The unicorn screamed hoarsely as the ground began to pull away with unnerving speed for a usually earth-bound pony, and just as expected she stopped trying to escape and clung on for dear life. “Please, Derpy, Wh-what are you doing this for?”

“I’ll explain when we get there.”

“Where exactly is ‘there’?”

Derpy didn’t reply, she just levelled out gently at a higher altitude and looked down at the scattered town below. She had always admired the view of things from above, being a Buttsdale native, she was more than used to it, but it still invoked a feeling of awe from deep inside her. The pegasus totally blanked the repetitive pleading murmurs of her terrified passenger and faced to the left to see a river winding its way through the Everfree forest and to the sea. The curvature of the planet could be seen around the horizon and the parallax effect of the canterlot mountains was slightly dizzying as they moved at different speeds. Derpy then fixed her eyes (as well as she could) onto the direction she wanted to be going.

The blonde maned mare hoisted Twilight up slightly to stop her from slipping and flew over the green ocean known as Everfree. She watched with passive admiration as the trees whizzed by, the horizon quickly retreating. Very much unlike the unicorn she was carrying, who had her eyes tightly squeezed shut, whimpering as she tried to refrain from a full scream. In her delirium, The lavender pony used random spells without thinking, unconsciously uprooting whole swathes of dark trees and swirling them through the air at terrifying speeds. Their leaves tore off in huge lumps and thudded to the forest floor, breaking sizeable holes in the canopy as they plummeted.

One particular manticore ended up very confused in the extreme north of the continent, not at all sure how it was instantaneously torn from its hunt and placed in this wasteland. As it was about to roar in frustration, it caught a scent in the wind – food. It turned around and looked up and up and up to an enormous quartz spire rupturing from the frozen earth, with this unusual structure came the unmistakable smell of delicious pony meat. Dinnertime. It thought.

Suddenly a large clearing was exposed in the solid covering of trees, with a circular building in the centre, made of shiny metal panelling mixed with the traditional wood and plaster of Equestrian building design. It was as large as an ursa major and featured a tall domed building in the centre. Derpy swooped low and came to a smooth halt just outside the clearing, still masked from the interior by the dense jungle-like forest.

She knocked idly on the trunk of a tree as she waited for her passenger to recover from the shock. To her surprise it emitted a low note which sounded as if it had come from a wooden instrument of some description, pipes perhaps. The sound reverberated to the next tree in a long line into the distance, followed by a “ding” from the first tree from which a large sapphire rolled. On it was etched: Take this gem, You won’t have it for long. After a moment, a subdued rumble was barely audible in the distance. Derpy shrugged and looked back to Twilight. She was shaking uncontrollably and was curled up on the ground, still mumbling to herself – she was saying something about the price of watermelons.

“Twilight!” Derpy hissed quietly through her teeth. “Get yourself together, we don’t have much time!” The unicorn didn’t even register that anything had been said, continuing her irrelevant ramblings, pupils small and unfocused.

WHACK!

Derpy hit the lavender mare across the face with a yellowed magazine about 1950s fighter planes. This was strange, as neither fighter planes nor the 1950s had been invented in Equestria at this point. The totally out of place piece of literature did the trick though, bringing Twilight back to the world with a confused splutter.

“What in Celes-” The unicorn began, before stopping short and pointing at the latest issue of ‘MIG Mag’ with a hoof “What even is that?”

“I have no idea.” Derpy cheerfully replied. “I just found it.”

“Fair enough. Besides, where are we? What could be so important that you had to kidnap me?”

“I’ve received some intel that the entire multiverse is at risk from a being so powerful, it can destroy a galaxy with its little finger. We have to stop it.”

“Righttttt… multiverse, giant super-being, reality destroyed. Ok, What do we do? Is it here?”

“No, what would the closest thing to a malevolent god in the entirety of existence be doing here in Equestria? That would be far too easy.”

“So where is it then? Who’s even giving you this information?”

“Your mentor and I share several friends, she is also aware of this threat.”

“That’s impossible, she would have told me. I’m sure whatever this thing is can be stopped with the magic of friendship.”

“This thing eats suns like crisps, a magic rainbow beam might not quite be up to scratch.”

Twilight frowned at this last statement and thought deeply for a moment. It didn’t shed any light on the situation. She stomped on the floor. “Well what do you suggest then!” she snapped.

“I dunno, I was kinda gonna make it up as I went along.”

“Well that’s an excellent plan Derpy, what could possibly go wrong?” The unicorn was getting quickly frustrated. “If what you say is true, I’m sure Princess Celestia is more than capable of beating this guy, what with her, Luna, Cadance and now Discord on their side, It’ll be no problem. Now take me back to Ponyville, I’ve had enough of this.”

“Celestia can’t get to this creature Twilight. Even I don’t know how far away it is, she’s had to build that thing in there just to get close.” Derpy pointed at the unusual circular complex with her hoof.

“Then why don’t we leave her to it? I’m confident that the princess knows what she’s doing.”

“She has no idea what she’s doing. My contacts say that-”

“Contacts? What do you mean by contacts? How are you finding this stuff out?” Twilight interrupted with a barrage of questions.

“It just sort of… turns out that way.” The grey pegasus shrugged casually.

“In what way does Celestia have ‘no idea what she’s doing’?”

“Her only plan of action now this thing has escaped is to kill it, probably with fire. Not only is it probably invincible, but impossible to catch – it is a giant godlike dimension hopping… thing that we don’t even know what looks like after all.”

“You’ve said yourself you don’t have a better plan.”

“I’ll find one. I find lots of things, lots of things find me too.”

Twilight sighed deeply. “So you want to go and steal whatever’s in there, defeat this creature that’s threatening existence itself, come back home and act like nothing ever happened?”

“Sounds about right.”

“Right, seeing as I don’t have much choice, lets get on with this. What’s in there?”

Derpy grinned “You’ll see soon enough.”

“Ok then, how do you suggest we get in?” At a glance it was obvious that the entire area was ridiculously heavily guarded.

Derpy looked at the sapphire in her hoof thoughtfully for a second, before tossing it carelessly into the clearing. “Like I said, things tend to find me. And those “things” aren’t usually positive.”

Almost as soon as Derpy finished speaking – on cue, even – the forest floor shook and the birds left their roosts with a cacophony of flapping wings. There was a bright light through the canopy and a portion of the clearing burst into flame, followed closely by an ear-splitting roar from above.

The cries of one guard could be heard above the others, “DRAGON!!!”

Author's Note

I wrote this story donkey's years ago, hence Twilight's lack of wings. Other than that it's your standard billing of shittiness and comma splicing.

Intruders

A ball of orange flame exploded up into the cloudless sky and dissipated, contorting the air into small ripples as it rose. The pegasus and earth pony guards ran inside the building as more fireballs smashed into the earth, showering debris and leaving deep scorched furrows in the soil. Several unicorns stood in a solid formation outside the complex, the front row opening fire on the dark blue shadow as it came for another pass, the rear row of guards were holding up a co-operative shield spell around the entire structure. They were all totally focused on their task and didn’t take any notice when two figures crept around them and in through a side door.

“Shhh!” Twilight warned as her partner closed the heavy steel port behind her, more audibly than was totally necessary.

“It’ll be fiiiiine.” Derpy countered casually, to prove just how casual she was she did the most casual thing she could think of, leaning against the wall. This was never destined to end well, I mean, no one ever leans against anything without consequences, do they? This was no different, as on the wall was a broom, and as the grey pegasus leaned against it, it toppled over and clattered noisily on top of a bowling ball that was there for some reason. Twilight could only watch as the marbled green ball of terror rolled with considerable speed down the hallway and over the top of a nail, which fitted snugly into one of the finger holes.

“You are actually- no… That’s…” The lavender unicorn spluttered, she had no idea how it was physically possible for Derpy to be that clumsy. “Why are those holes even there? What purpose do they serve other than being conveniently there for a mildly amusing chain of events of further consequence later on?”

Oblivious to Twilight’s annoyance the ball continued on its way, beginning to slow down. Having had enough, she grabbed the infernal thing in her magic and brought it to a sudden halt, this lack of movement was not transferred to the thin iron rod inside however, which continued on its way – out of the ball. It flew through the air in fast spins, finally embedding itself into the far wall with a shudder.

Just as Twilight was about to wipe her brow, the relief itself was wiped clean from her face as fine cracks snaked their way outwards from the sharp intrusion. The cracks spread suddenly and the wall totally fell to rubble, revealing two shocked mares in white coats staring at the two intruders with wide eyes.

Twilight sighed. “Aaaaand sleep.” She said flatly, her horn glowing for a brief second before the scientists slumped to the floor.

“I just don’t know wha-”

“NO! DON’T SAY THAT! JUST BE QUIET!”

“Rude.”

“I’ve really stopped caring. Just put this on.” Twilight tossed one of the lab coats across to the grey mare as she was putting one on herself. “Luckily I always carry a postcard photo of myself, but what will you do?”

“Meh,” Derpy shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so.” Twilight replied with an unsure glance. She licked the back of a stamp-sized picture and carefully pasted it over the original on her nametag. “There, we’re set.”

The two intrusive ponies strolled sure-hoofedly down a spotless white corridor, bustling with scientists and soldiers with worried facial expressions. Soon enough they came to a heavy steel door with a complex looking lock system, outside was a heavily armoured pegasus guard, thickly muscled around his chest and shoulders.

“Halt. This is a restricted zone. ID please.”

“Here you go.” Twilight levitated her tag confidently and it hovered in front of the guard in her purplish aura. She smiled broadly.

“Alright, in you go.” He opened the door with his hoofprint and they set off walking in. The guard suddenly unfurled his wing across the entrance. “Wait.”

“Yes?”

“She’s gonna need clearance as well.” He looked down at the two smaller ponies without moving his head.

“Oh… it’s ok, she’s with me.”

“She’ll still need her own ID, where is it?”

“You will let us in. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR.” Twilight glared at the stoic guard.

“No you aren’t.”

“Oh well, it was worth a try.” She sighed again. “Aaaaand sleep.” Twilight sent her magic into the mind of the stallion, as she always did, but something was different. It was fighting back. The tendrils of magic snaked in regardless, forcing their way in through the mental wall to constrict the soldier’s mind. The lavender unicorn concentrated for one last burst to suffocate the final shreds of willpower and knock him out cold.

“Well that was trickier than usual, he must have had special training. It’s a good job I’m one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria.”

As Twilight trotted into the next room, her companion lagged slightly. The unconscious stallion had a crossbow on his back with a quiver down his left flank. Derpy picked up the lethal weapon with interest and studied its intricate carvings, it was beautifully designed as well as perfectly functional. The grey pegasus suspected that he had added to the designs himself, personalising it, this was mostly because a young, crudely carved mare in a more than provocative pose probably wasn’t included on the original. Derpy picked up the contraption and slung it onto her own back, hooking the quiver around the string.

“Derpy! What are you doing back there? That door might have a timer!”

“I’m coming Twilight, just remember whose very important mission this is.” She trotted in after the unicorn and dragged the sleeping sentry in with her, dumping him unceremoniously him in a corner. “Let’s go.” She took the lead and Twilight followed, emitting a quiet chuckle of disbelief that she was actually doing this.

“Do you… know where you’re going? And why in the name of Celestia do you have that?” She pointed a hoof at the crossbow on her partner’s back.

“Never know when you might need it.” Derpy shrugged.

“A crossbow. So many uses…”

“Oh stop complaining. Twilight, get out your lucky clipboard, we need to be as convincing as possible.”

“Lucky clip- How do you- When- Oh I give up, I’ll just add you to the list of inexplicable phenomena in this world, you can keep Pinkie Pie company there.” She seemingly pulled a clipboard out of nowhere and pretended to be engrossed with reading it.

The pair turned a corner and emerged into a short hallway with one door at the far end. There was no guard but it looked ridiculously thick and required several keys, clearance cards and hoofprints to open.

“Well, This is looking a bit tricky.” Twilight scrutinised the lock mechanism with her face inches away from the panelling.

Both mares turned their heads as hoofsteps began to echo down the blinding white corridors. A diminutive burgundy earth pony stallion rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks when he saw the two infiltrators. “Can I help you?”

“Ah, yes. This door seems to be malfunctioning, the intricacy of the lock’s just a nuisance as far as I can see.”

The scientist snorted slightly then walked over and studied the lock. “Are you sure you turned your keys at the same time?” He looked up at the ponies from his crouched position.

“What?”

“Well if you’ve used your hoofprint and card, you both need to simultane—” He trailed off in his explanation as the situation dawned on him. “Oh crap.”

A large box clonked down onto the top of his cranium and a purple unicorn was immediately rummaging through his clothing. “Here it is.” She grumbled as she dragged a sliver of laminated paper from the inside of the scientist’s coat with her telekinesis.

Derpy hauled the prone form to the doorway with her teeth and pushed its hoof onto the slot beside the entry, a green light flickered on above it. “Hoofprint done.” She announced.

“Gooood.” Twilight answered. She then walked over to the door too and slid the small card into its allotted rift in the wall. A second green light blinked to life next to the first.

“Now for the grand finale, we need to turn two keys simultaneously. We only have one, which won’t do. I’ll have to do a double lock-picking spell, It’s pretty advanced stuff.”

“But can you do it?”

“I think so. Whether I want to is a different matter, if we’re caught this is a pretty long sentence.”

“Just get on with it, you already know what’s at stake.”

“Yeah yeah.” Twilight lowered her head and closed her eyes. She pushed her magic into the keyholes like liquid and fished around, pushing up the pins one by one and searching for some give. At the same time she tried to turn the lock, making sure not to turn it too far until she’d mirrored her actions on the second keyhole. She switched her concentration between the two locks, trying out one then the next.

Just over a minute later she had nearly got both locks in exactly the position that she wanted them. With a final push both of the mechanisms made a satisfying click and a grinding sound, the bars on the door began to slide across and gears on the surface whirred around. Accompanied by the third and final green light. The door finally swung open, revealing what Twilight had thought—an orange glittering weave in the metal indicated that it had been enchanted against teleportation magic. If she had attempted to teleport, she would currently be a collection of atoms fused partially with the steel of the walls, trapped in the metal and probably still conscious.

“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed in relief when the huge lump finally budged open fully.

The many white-coated ponies bustling about within the inner chamber paid no attention to the new additions entering, preoccupied with the dragon attack and final preparations for the upcoming mission. Derpy and Twilight managed to blend in with them as they attempted to move on to the next stage of their journey - a ride.

The room they had just entered was clearly the main part of the complex, as the high domed roof was the same one visible from outside. Inside however, it was more like a deep cylinder reaching into the earth, surrounded by catwalks and platforms, full of ponies rushing around. Set into a portion of the rounded wall were several large panes of glass, behind which appeared to be a big room with banks of ponies working at desks and with broad star charts and maps pinned to the walls. The centrepiece of the chamber though, was a huge glistening white spire reaching upward, widening as it went down until it looked like a long pointed tube stretched down into the ground.

“It’s a rocket!” Twilight squealed, looking around with glee at the beautiful engineering and the organised chaos surrounding it. She forgot for a moment that they were supposed to be hijacking the thing and leaving behind everything she knew and loved and instead relished the awesome beauty of it all.

Derpy was almost as amazed at the spectacle, but she didn’t show it to the same extent as her companion as she was preoccupied with scanning all the stoic faces rushing by for one she recognised as the pair were pushed along with the flow of traffic down a catwalk.

Twilight found herself shoved into a small side room as Derpy tumbled in on top of her. “What are you doing?” she hissed in annoyance.

“Shush.” Came the only reply as the grey pony hunched beside the doorway, peering out. All of a sudden she grabbed out like a praying mantis and pulled something in through the opening, slamming the door shut behind her.

The thing immediately stood up and faced the ponies. “You’re not getting anything out of me without a fight!” It threatened, snorting.

“Calm down, Hugh. It’s just me, Derpy.” She flicked on the lightswitch, revealing herself and Twilight.

“Oh.” The cream-coloured earth pony said, dropping his stance. “What are you doing here? This place is the highest security level, you could get in big trouble just by being here.”

“I don’t really have time to explain, but I need you to do me a favour.” Derpy replied vaguely.

The stallion looked nervous. “I don’t know, Derpy. This is really serious stuff…”

“Oh come on Hugh.” The pegasus complained, “Remember the time with the crate of lizards? you said you’d repay me when you could, and now you can.”

Hugh scratched the back of his neck, “Well I suppose I could do something, as long as it isn’t completely suicidal. What do you need doing?”

“My friend Twilight and me are going to be on this rocket. I just need you to let it happen.” Derpy announced.

“That’s completely suicidal!” The unicorn pony almost yelled. “I can’t let you do that, it would jeopardise the entire mission. You would never make it back alive!”

Derpy suddenly dropped into a serious tone for a change. “Hugh, if you let this mission go ahead the entire universe will be destroyed. You have to let us in, it’s the only way.”

“I’ve known you for a long time, Derpy Hooves.” He said, “And you’ve never mislead me before. I’ll try to get you on this flight.”

The two ponies knocked hooves and Hugh scurried back out into the silo. Derpy sat back on her haunches, relieved that they’d secured themselves a rocket. Twilight presently joined her.

“Thank Celestia for magic.” the purple mare sighed. “Without that gullibility field we would be pretty stranded.”

“What?” Derpy asked, gazing quizzically at her partner with her wonky eyes.

“Well you didn’t think that guy would have let us ruin this entire thing without me tampering with his brain at all, did you?”

“I would have managed!” Retorted Derpy. “I know him, he’d have trusted me.”

Twilight stood up. “And how, exactly, do you know a high-ranking physicist in the royal scientific corps?”

“I’m a mailmare. I know lots of ponies.” Derpy replied with an innocent smile.