From the Desk of the Chief Editor
Dear Spectrum Sprint,
It is with both regret and relief that I write to inform you that your submission to the Canterlot Publishing Group has been denied. I apologize if this is not the answer you were looking for, but we feel that your... erotic romance entitled "A Knight in Twilight's Chambers" would create undue financial and political stress for the Canterlot Publishing Group and its affiliates—including yourself. Not to mention that nearly half of our editing division quit—quite vocally, I might add—upon our chairmare's mere consideration of your... novel.
Furthermore, I feel we must inform you that copies of your draft have been created and sent to both the Royal Guard and to Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, due to concerns regarding the safety of persons, property and Equestrian Law. We apologize for any inconvenience this may create for you.
I have also enclosed, at my own personal expense, a textbook on equine anatomy and physiology; I highly encourage you to read them, but allow me to point out a few specifics for you.
Sexual Intercourse and "sexness" do not consist solely of cuddling, hugging and kissing—and I don't even know how you got the idea that wrestling was involved. I'll let the book get in the details.
The cerebra—the boney protrusion that creates the iconic horn all unicorns bear—does NOT work that way!
It is impossible for a mare to impregnate another mare through normal intercourse. Also, conception does not happen that quickly under any circumstance.
We here at the Canterlot Publishing Company hope you understand our rejection and are not discouraged to try again in the future. However, we strongly encourage you to study up on grammar, writing and physiology. We also encourage you to choose a subject matter that isn't considered high treason.
Sincerely, Twilight Velvet
Chief Editor, Canterlot Publishing
P.S.:
Next time you write under a pseudonym, try not to make it so obvious, Rainbow Dash. Try to be brave and talk to her, okay? You'll never get an answer writing stories...
A Knight in Twilight's Chambers:
A Romantic Tail of Romance
By Spectrum Sprint
Twighlight Sparkle was in her castle being supper hot and reading and doing other egghead stuff when she looked outside and thot "wow! That hot, awsum mare Rainbow Dash sure did do a great job with the whether twoday before doing her Triple Rainboom Super Flash—Not that stupid Flash Sentry guy who I totally hate cuz he's such a sleazebag and only wants me for my body and not cus I'm so totally cool and smart and nice and super cute—but the regular kinda flash that made out of microwave light stuff that makes a super bright light like when Rainbow goes supper fast!" Rainbow Dash waz the koolest pony in Ekwestria and Twighlight totally had a crush on her beecuz she was so awsum.
"I no!" Twylight sayed, Standing up on her legs. "I'll go tell Rainbow Dash how I fell abowt her because she's so nice and she'd tay understand that friends can sometimes get fellings four other friends like crushes and junk and she'd be okay with it even if she didn't like me back—even tho that's why I'm scarred and haven't not talcked to her yet!"
Twilight used to be scarred for telling Rainbow Dash about how she felled about her, butt she wasn't anymor.
So she gott up and walked to the dore and opened it and walked outside. "Where are you going Twilight?" Spike axed her before she went out the dore she was going out of.
"Shut up Spike! Twilight yelled, slapping that little jerk. “You always ruin everything like wen ~~Rainbow tried~~ I tried to tell Rainbow Dash howe I felt last week!"
Spike cried and hit the wall from Twilight's slap and cried as Twilight ~~towerd~~ ~~lomed~~ ~~meancing~~ looked tall over him. "I'm sorry!" He cried! "I'm sorry that I always ruin everything and that I stepped on Rainbows tail that one time and that it still feels funny when she does her super awesum Triple 180 Barrel Roll Twist! which is awesum! You shud kiss next time she does it, cuz she only does it four yoo cuz she made it up for you!"
"I shood" Twilight thot, tapping a hoof on her chin in that super cute way she duz when she's thinkin reely hardly. "Cuz i think Rainbow Dash is reealy pretty and I always wanna kiss her and hug her even though kissing and hugging is totally sappy and uncool, because ~~Twili~~ Rainbow is the only paony in the worlds coool enuff to hug and cuddle withe. I'm off to go tell her i'll love her forever and ever now!"
And then Twilight left to go outside to tell Rainbow Dash how awesum she is. "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight yelleded and then Rainbow Dash appeared awsumely and came through the clouds and flew awsumely threw the clouds to Twilight and landed reely awesumly and looked cool and Twilight blushed, but Rainbow totally didn't cuz Rainbow Dash is cool and blushing is totally not even tho blushing every now and then wen your neere a realy ckewl mare is taly okay and Twilight new that.
"Hey, babe," Rainbow Dash said awsumley. "What's up?"
"I think your awsum!" Twilight yelled, jumping in the heir and raising those super hot purple wings that some ponies dreem about in there embarrassing dreems. not that Rainbow Dash evur had Dreams licke that, cuz thoze dreems are embarassing and Rainbow Dash doesn't dew embarassing things evur.
Rainbow laffed and hugged Twilight, because she new howe totally awsum Twighlight is. "Eye no I'm awsume!"
"And I love you!" Twylight sayed happely kissing Rainbow right on the lips and blushing reely cuty—but Rainbow didn't; cuz Rainbow had totally been kissed by lots of reely hot mares, like Spitfire and Prinsess Selestia, even tho she had to let them Down jently cuz she had her i's on a different, reely cute mare that was a secret, but not the embarassing kind of secret, the kind that yoo had wen you no that othur ponies nkowin yur seecret wud ruin everythin becuz you had a plan an stuff.
But Rainbow totally wasn't surprised that Twilight liked her in the special way way becuz she was Rainbow Dash. Who was awsum and gets all the mares evur.
Twilight gasped and run away cuz she kiss Rainbow and waz worryed that Dash wudn't like her bach—a feer that's okay to have, even if yur coool, Dash knowed. So she run to her and kissed her back on the lips and Dash said "I love yoo two, beautiful," but it wasn't sappy at all. It was awsum cuz Spike came out to try and ruin the moment, but EXPLODED in a gajillion, trillion, bajillion pieces and Twilight laffed. "Serves you right! You tail-stomping moment ruining plan ruiner!" She yelled. And then Rainbow Dash picked her up and carried her in the castle that wasn't as cool as the library that she loved to go too and read and not to look at Twilight's distracting butt, becuz she's super strong, but didn't have ugly muscles like Applejack did.
And they went to Twilight's room, but Flash Sentry was there with a love potion! Before Rainbow Dash cud do anything, he made Twilight drink it all and then she kissed him and feeled in love woth him!
Rainbow Dash waz madd!
She got really angrier and punched that jerk in the face and he exploded! But his butt exploded first because it waz sew ugley!
"Noooooo!" He yelled. "Rainbow Dash is better than me fore Twilight, but I still don't know my place cuz I'm stupid and I only like her cuz she's a princess and not cuz she's a super special pony like Rainbow Dash dus!" Then he died. And exploded and died again.
Twilight woke up from the potion and hugged Rainbow cutely. "Yay!" She yelled. "Eye hate that jerk again! You saved me, Rainbow! You're even more awsum than befour! I love you!"
Rainbow Dash smiled epicly.
"Let's do sex!" Twilight yelled happyly!
"Ya! Doing sex is fun!" Dash said awesomely.
"But I'm still a virginia!" Twilight yelled. "I dun no how—"
"I'll teech you!" Dash yelled radically. Then she kissed Twilight on the lips again, but on the bed this time cuz it was four sex and Dash had done sex lots of times before! But Twilight was a virginia, so she taught Twilight how too do sex and knowed it was okay to not have done sex before because you could still be cool and Twilight was cool and somwas Rainbow Dash, who was awesum also.
Then, they wrestled on the bed all knight and did ots and lots of sex! Dash pinned Twilight all the times and sucked on her horn like she once saw her parents do that one time she cot them wrestling wen she got home frum flight camp. Twilight was amazed at Dash's sexness and that Dash won all the sex games—but Dash always won at sex cuz she was Ponyville's beast athelete. "Waw, Rainbow! Twilight yelled. "Your reely good at doing sex!" Then She gott pinned again and Rainbow won again.
"O no!" Twilight yelled suddenly! Her cute little tummy that had just the right amount of jiggle too it was getting bigger! "We did two much sex and I'm ~~prega~~ ~~praygre~~ gonna have a foal!"
"Don't worry babe!" Rainbow yelled awesomely again. "I'll marry ya and we can have lots of foals and sex and be in love and snuggle every night forever!" But it wasn't sappy cuz Zombie Flash Sentry came and Rainbow killed him withe her awsumness!
"Yay!" Twilight yelled. "I love you forever and I'll never ever love anypony else cuz you love me for who I am unlike that jerk Flash Sentry who's such a sleeze!"
"I'll love you forever !" Rainbow yelled awesomely two.
And then they all lived happily ever after even Spike who came back two life cuz he's not such a bad guy but he reely needs to stop messing everything up for ~~me~~ Twilight.
Except Flash Sentry. That jerk was dead forever and never looked at Twilight with his jerky I's again!!!
The End
Author's Note
Can this count as my first clopfic?
Phone-based writing is hard; I want my lapp back!
Editing provided by Vertorm
And, apparently, this glitch is expanding to half the words I write on the phone. Apparently, they're all getting their middles cut out. Go iPhone. You rock. Srsly.
UPDATE: 5/29:
After hijacking a Best Buy laptop for a bit, I managed to fix all of the "to" errors. The fic should be fine now.
