Cassandra (AKA BEST PONY AND 7TH ELEMENT) Gets Kidnapped

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other
Length: 1924

The former princess Cassandra is kidnapped by a pair of humans and held ransom. It quickly turns around as the captors become the captives.

The former princess Cassandra is kidnapped by a pair of humans and held ransom. It quickly turns around as the captors become the captives.

A fan story to one of the greatest fics I've ever read.

PICTURE COMPLETELY UNRELATED

Published 2014-05-30 23:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-30 23:50:02 UTC

Twenty thousand bits

Cody and Andrew sat in a Canterlot cafe, reading their contracts. The thin burnable paper barely readable due to the microscopic text. But they knew what they had to do, contract or not.

Cody adjusted in his seat, "So...we gonna do this?"

Andrew looked across the street, where their target was giving a speech on overcoming adversity and the benefits of charity to the poor, sickly and the ugly. "Shouldn't be too hard. Element of trust...." Andrew looked over his contract a final time, "It's just odd, twenty K for a supposed princess seems a little light."

Cody shrugged, "Conversion rates are nuts man. That's probably like a billion pesos."

"Pesos!?"

"Yeah, Mexican beer money." Cody explained, pulling a peso from his pocket, "I used to collect them."

Andrew grabbed the peso from Cody's hand, chucking it across the room and pegging a pony in the back of the head, "What the buck man!?"

"Hey, shut up!" Andrew yelled, standing up and fixing his shirt, "Cody, that her?"

Cody walked over to the window, "The blue one?"

"Yep, that's our mark! Let's--" the duo was cut off as the pony Andrew had hit started busting up, "We need to--"

"Ah hahaha--"

"Let's--"

"--Uuuch, I can't breath!" The stallion fell to the floor, rolling onto his stomach and laying flat.

Andrew let out a rough cough and just walked out the door of the cafe. Cody joined him, slowly crossing the street and bearing down on the brunette mare. Before the two could reach her she spun around, landing a perfect ninety degree pirouette and staring at the two men, "Gentlemen, you're here to kidnap me."

The two humans just stared at the magic radiating pony. "Uh...what?" Cody asked, clearing his throat, "Why would you--"

"I could tell an hour ago. Now I trust you'll learn a lesson from all this. I am the element of trust after all, and a princess, so I'm sure you will." Casandra turned around, facing the building. "Don't stop these two, they need to learn that crime never pays."

The ponies leaving the building were drained, walking around like zombies, some going as far as groaning loudly and trying to collect the brains that dripped from their ears. Andrew took a step back, "Holy shit...what the hell is going on here!?"

Cassandra turned around, a soft smile riding her face, "I taught them about trust."

Cody jumped back, "With what, arsenic!?"

Cassandra cocked her head, "Of course not. I just talked to them. Now come on, we should get this kidnapping started."

Cody took a deeply shaken breath, "Dear god...Andrew, are we gonna die?"

Andrew let out a scared sigh and started walking, "Fifty-fifty, I'll tell you when I'm sure." The two humans were quickly escorted to their own hotel. The ponies out and about steered clear as they walked nervously through the town, a bit of a bubble forming around them, as if no one wanted to be near them.

They made it to their hotel, throwing the door open and walking briskly past the front desk and into the elevator. Cassandra stood unblinking as the two men quietly plotted. The mare opened the locked hotel door with her magic and settled in against the wall.

Andrew and Cody just stood by the door. Andrew clapped his hands together, "Okay...now what?"

Cody looked back at Cassandra, "I guess...I'll watch her...you call.... Who the hell hired us!?"

Andrew shrugged, "Someone named Big Apple. But she didn't leave a fucking number!"

Cody scratched his head as he stared at the soft blue mare, "Did we get set up?"

Andrew scratched his head and wandered to the phone, "No idea...I guess we...call the guard?"

Cody just threw his arms up, "I don't know. I'll make sure she doesn't start acting all crazy." He walked over and stood before Cassandra, letting Andrew handle the phone.

Andrew dialed the guard. A tired voice quickly replaced the dial tone, "-Hello, Canterlot Royalguard, how can I assist you?"

Andrew let out a rough cough, "My name is Lincoln, we've kidnapped a noble!"

The voice on the other end of the phone panicked, "You what!? Hold on let me--"

"I want to talk to Celestia damn it!" Andrew screamed, "Now!"

Meanwhile Cody was enduring Cassandra's unblinking stare. Unwavering, boring through his forehead as Cassandra just stared. Cody clutched his chest as Cassandra let out a soft giggle. "Did I ever tell you I like you?"

"Eughaa," Cody groaned, taking a step back, "Well I don't like you damn it!"

"I'm bisexual you know. I bet you're a good kisser. I had a lot of practice with Rainbow Dash and Rarity--"

"Auuugh, god!" Cody turned away and let out a pained yell, "Andrew, hurry the fuck up!"

Cassandra continued, "Not like inbred Applejack, no one likes her anyways. She should just die and leave me and the other elements alone--"

"Fuck, Andrew, can you hear this shit!?"

Andrew ignored his friend, "Hello!? Who is this!?"

An incensed voice cut the scratchiness of the phone, "You bastards! Where's Twilight!?"

"Twilight- what?"

Celestia's voice caught in her throat, "Some pony said you kidnapped a princess! Where's Twilight you animals!?"

Cassandra's voice pierced Cody's mind, "Did I ever tell you about how I saved Equestria? It happens a lot, and I never had any help, all by myself. Isn't that cool? Tell me how cool I am, and I'll totally trust you because I'm the element of trust, and a princess."

Cody fell to his knees, grabbing his face as he caved, "Andrew, I'm gonna fucking kill someone if you don't fucking hurry!"

Andrew shushed Cody, "Celestia, you still there?"

"Are you gonna tell me--"

"We have Princess Cassandra, we want Twenty-thousand unmarked bits for her release!" Andrew snapped, growing agitated at the misunderstanding.

There was a beat, filled with mutterings and ravings from Cassandra's crusades against homophobic racist nationalist griffons, that were also communists. "And then the red griff--"

Andrew looked back to his crazed friend and the prefect blue princess, "Shut the fuck up and let me talk! Or so help me god I will throw you out the window!" He turned back to the phone, "Celestia, this isn't a game! I have a gun and I will--"

Celestia's voice cut back in, "You have...Cassandra. And you want money for her release? How about...no."

Cassandra's voice filled the room once again, "Then I brought up all the water to Cloudsdale all by myself, killed a dragon, raped a manticore and cured aids with filly blood!"

Cody snapped, pulling out his gun and pointing it at Cassandra, "Andrew, lower the price, I can't stand this fucking lunatic!"

Andrew adjusted his hands on the phone, "We will kill her if you don't give us the money! This isn't a--"

Celestia cut him off, "Look, you sound like you have it under control over there, I'm just gonna--"

"Hey no!" Andrew snapped back, "We're not about to--"

"Look...I got...ten bits in my purse. You want that?" Celestia asked, a jingling filled the background as she did.

"Ten bits!? Bitch we're--"

"Did you just call me a bitch!? Alright then--"

"And then I saved a boatload of colts from the a pedophile by locking myself in a clost--"

Cody snapped as Cassandra went on, "Fucking damn it man, make them take her!"

Celestia, overhearing Cody's crazed screams, laughed slightly, "You want us to take her back? Well...it's gonna cost you."

"The fuck it--" Andrew was cut off as Cody ripped the phone away and shoved him aside.

Andrew stumbled against Cassandra, "Hi, did I ever tell you about the sinner Applejack?"

Cody ran as far as possible while Andrew was verbally assaulted by story after story of Cassandra's amazing exploits. "Hello!?" he yelped nervously, "H-hello!?"

Celestia's cackled slowly petered out, "Yeah, this is the Princess--"

"Take her back! Please, for the love of god take her back!" Cody looked back at the mare and his slowly deteriorating friend, "She hasn't blinked since we brought her here!"

"Blinking is for the weak!" Cassandra noted cheerfully.

Cody let out a fearful groan as he clutched the phone to his head, "Please!"

Celestia let out a soft sigh, "Look, you give me about...five-thousand bits, I'll make this go away. Sound good?"

Cody's voice grew more panicked, "I don't fucking have five grand!"

Celestia grew annoyed, "Then we're done talking!"

"Hey wait wait wait--" Cody stopped dead as the connection was killed, "You bitch, you've killed me, you filthy whore!" Cody bashed the phone against the wall, shredding the plastic and throwing the broken device against the floor, "We're dead!"

Andrew ran over, grabbing Cody by the lappels, "She's Satan, she hasn't blinked, she hasn't stopped talking! We gotta go! We just gotta go and find a place to lay low--" Andrew ran to the door, testing the knob. "It's locked.... It's locked!"

"It's locked?!" Cody screamed, pulling at the door like a maniac, "No, no, No!" Cody started whimpering as he fell against the door, "Nooooo!"

Andrew reached into his waistband as Cassandra walked over, exalting her virtues and explaining string theory and disproving god, "and as you can see the Higgs Bonson is the reason Applejack likes to fuck breaburn. It is easy to understand from that that all of the Apple family is made up of a bunch of inbred perverts who never bathe and are homosexuals."

Andrew drew his gun, pointing it square at Cassandra, "Fuck the money!" Andrew yanked the trigger, but bullet ricocheting off Casandra's unblinking eye and going through the hotel window. "...What!?"

Cody broke down crying against the door, "We're not getting out...we're not leaving!"

Casandra nodded, "And due to my amazing magical aura I saved my sister princesses and tore off the Changeling Queen's horn off, giving it to the Saddlearabians and ending a thousand year old war."

Cody stood up, lurching towards Andrew, "There's one way out man...and I just- I can't take it anymore!"

Andrew took a deeply shaken breath, "Suicide pac?"

Cody shook his head sharply, "Pact."

"What did I say?"

"You said pac."

Andrew lowered his gun, "Wait...so, it's not pac?"

"Pact...tuh, tuh. Pac-t."

Andrew just shrugged, Cassandra peeking between them and spouting about the prophet Cassandirana. "I guess...it doesn't matter."

Cody pulled his gun to his head, "Before we do this...I just...I love you dude...I love you--"

Andrew joined him in his deathly stance, "That's gay dude...."

"Totally gay." Cody stated, pulling the triggering and ending the constant stream of brain melting noise coming from Cassandra.

Andrew just stared at Cassandra, his willpower eroded in a matter of minutes by her utter presence, "...God I hope yolo." he pulled the trigger, pasting the wall with his brains and leaving Cassandra smiling, alone, and still talking about her excrement being made of gold and silver.

She jabbered on to the two dead men as she refused to blink, "And in the end, all will be Cassandra, your souls will serve me even in death, peasants." Cassandra opened her mouth, her eyes going jet black and bellowing pitch black smoke. The smoke enveloped the bodies, tearing them apart at a molecular level and ridding the hotel of any and all trace of them.

Cassandra returned to her unassuming expression, the evil magic returning to her body and unlocking the door. She trotted out, two souls stronger, off to spread the word of the greatest pony, if not the greatest being, in existence.

Author's Note

That's for Babs seed!