Author's Note
So...I wrote this, and hope you liked it. If you didn't, I'll get the noose, and rocks.
Give Me a Drink
I woke up to a world, so different from my own. The grass was greener. The air was fresher. The sun was brighter. I could feel the warm rays touch my skin. They instantly made...me...feel…
“What the fuck?!” the human said as he rose from the ground, “No…no…no…no! Not this bullshit!”
The human looked around the new, flash animated world, and knew exactly where he was. Instead of pure bliss, he felt nothing, but frustration. Yes, the world looked nice, and beautiful. Yes, the air was fresh, and didn’t taste of chemicals. It was perfect, yet the human didn’t want and part of it.
His feared cliché was beginning.
The human began walking in some random direction. It didn’t matter. He knew exactly what was going to happen. As if on queue, a yellow pegusus flew past him. The human face palmed at his life, and continued walking. The flying pony followed him, but he kept walking. The human wouldn’t play into my..erm…the game. Soon enough, the pony spoke.
“Uh…excuse me…can I help you?” the pegusus asked.
“NO! No..nononono! Just let me be!” The human blurted out. The human then remembered the pony's shy antics, and remembered some key information, “Sorry…Fluttershy. I’m just frustrated right now. Im not suppose to be here, and really want to go home.”
“Well, Twilight may be of help…” The pony whispered.
“Of course” thought the human. His cliché life would follow the cliché path. “Go see Twilight. She would study you. Befriend you. Blah Blah Blah.” No. The human wouldn’t let these train of events happen. He would simply ask for help. If she couldn’t or wouldn’t, then he would leave. Simple as Pie. The human sighed as he followed the pegusus. The cliché Pinkie moment was bound to happen.
Why me? Why me?
The yellow pony knocked on the door of the tree house. Behind her, the creature seemed to be barely containing his anger as Lyra paraded him with questions, and Pinkie Pie sung one of her many welcoming songs. As soon as the door of the library opened, the creature barged in. He immediately closed the door; not allowing Lyra or Pinkie in.
Twilight, dumbfounded by the event and creature, resorted to looking through her books. The human sighed again. More cliché. He walked over to Twilight, grabbed her, and sat her down on the couch. By cliche logic, ponies only came to his thigh.
“Look Twilight, I am a human. I come from the planet Earth. I want to get back. Can you help me?” The human asked.
“How did you know my name?”
“God damn it!” Somehow, the human forgot that that question would somehow arise. To try break the walls of his predestined path, he told the truth, “I watch a television show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You and your friends are Mane (He cursed himself for the pun) characters. SO can you help me or not?”
“Honestly, I don’t know? I never dealt with anything like this before. Maybe if I read…”
The human got up from his seat. By his calculations and all the fan fictions he had read, by the time Twilight found a solution, The human would have befriended all the ponies, defeated some great evil, and possibly…possibly had satyr child with a pony.(He hoped it would be Octavia if that did happen.) So, he decided to go to a higher source of power. The human pushed opened the door only to wish he hadn’t.
The clichverse reared its ugly head, and summoned the Mane(The human mentally slapped himself) six, excluding Twilight who was in the library, had gathered outside the library. Perhaps the human could kill himself and wake up at home? He would give it a shot if everything else failed.
“What in tarnation is that thing?”
“I don’t know, darling. A gorilla of sorts?”
“It looks weird…is it awesome?”
“I found it in the woods…”
“Does it want to party?”
“It says that it is a human, and he wants to go home to…Eerth.”
“Earth…”corrected the human. Apparently, the ponies were shocked that he could talk. The human hated his life. He decided to lie on the ground and close his eyes, for lack of anything better to do.
“What’s the matter with ‘em?” Applejack whispered.
“Maybe he’s dead…”
The human opened his eyes, stood up, and yelled to the heavens, “What’s wrong with me?! What’s wrong with me?! I am trapped in the world of Equestria. I’m supposed to be happy right? It's every bronies dream, right?! But NO! This world has to follow the Laws of cliché. Even know, I feel as I’m being written by a horrible, cheesy writer with a neckbeard!”
The human looked towards the sky in rage waiting for something to happen. With a loud animated “Pop!”, a fedora(which I didn’t make appear) appeared on his head. The human took it off, and threw it towards the ground, yet it didn’t touch the ground. It disappeared, and reappeared on his head. Angered, the human ran into the forest. He heard Pinkie say, “It was a nice hat.”
After wandering in the Everfree forest, the human ran into a hut which he just barged in, and sat. The Zebra inside looked at him and shrugged. Her fuck giving was absolute zero.
“You’re not going to ask me what I am?” asked the human.
“You’re a human. I know that.”
Somewhat amazed, the human spoke yet, Zecora interrupted him. “I make potion all day. Potions that do weird shit. Shit that includes looking into other dimensions. I know stuff.”
“Where’s your accent?”
“I just do that to fuck with the ponies. The riddles confuse the hell out of them. Plus, it makes me seem wise.” Zecora laughed as she added some herbs to her potions and stirred it, “Perfect.”
“So can you help me get home…”
“Dude…this is your home. There’s no going back.”
“So, I’m stuck in clichéville?”
“Unfortunately, yes…” Zecora poured two cups of her potion and handed one to the human, “But you don’t have to go through it sober.”
Without hesitation, the human downed the potion…and never regretted it.
Because Cliches are MAGICKS
Author's Note
Here's a second part. Some pals of mine said I should make another chapter, and I did. I wasn't really feeling it, but hey, who cares? I used some cliches from the comments to form the chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Or at least blow more air through your noes than usual.
Ya know...writing this whole thing was sort of weird. I'm not use to writing like it, so i'm going to stop. Maybe....maybe.
Because Cliches are MAGICKS
The Human woke up with a splitting headache. He tried to remember what happened the night before, but it was all a blur. He didn't know why, but he was one happy guy. Despite the fedora permanently stuck on his head. He crawled out the small bed, began to stretch, turned, then screamed in horror. In the very bed next to him was his best friend: Zecora.
"Ogawdwhy?!" He screamed, "Please tell me we didn't..."
Zecora rolled over in the bed; her mane disheveled, "What? Yuck...With you, dude? Plz. Don't flatter yourself. I'd rather mate with a bald donkey than you."
The human sighed with relief. If they would have had relations, then he would have played into the cliche game. "So what did happen?"
"Well, you're a lightweight. Can't hold your alcohol, so after fifteen pints, you were fucked up. I, on the other hand, was perfectly sober. Anyway, you passed out, and I carried your sorry ass to my bed, which you then collapsed on top of me. That's after you tripped, fell, and spilled all my remaining "Potion" on the floor."
"Huehuehue, sorry..."
"...Yeah, you're going to be. You see..." Zecora got out of the bed, and walked over to her massive shelves of ingredients, " I'm out of the ingredient to make my potion special. You're going to go get it...as an apology for spilling it."
"Doesn't seem too hard." The human stated as chills ran down his body. He felt as if he was being watched. He looked towards the window only to see a yellow blur.
"Oh, did you forget this world is cliche filled, and revolves around you? It's estrus out there, and all those mares want is some sweet, sweet human meat."
"Y-Y-You can't do this to me..."
"Sorry, bro. Maybe you shoulda thought about this before you downed my potion. Now go. It's still early, and the mares may still be in control of themselves." Zecora shrugged as she handed a letter to the human, "Just hand this to Cinnamon, and she'll give you the ingredient. And the ingredient is not cinnamon despite her name."
The human grabbed his jacket, and went to the door of the hut. He turned and said, "You really suck, Zecora." She replied, "Those mares sure will if you don't hurry." The human then ran toward Ponyville still sure he was being watched. He only sighed at the fact something was about to happen. Maybe if he ran faster, he could outrun the trouble. He did, but when he got tackled, he knew it was all over. He knew a pony had tackled him since it was lightweight. The only question was which one? When he heard a low "Squee", his questioned was answered. The human opened he eyes to she the pony on his chest.
"Dammit, Fluttershy..."
"Oh...hey human...I was just walking in the forest, and saw you running... I came to say high." She responded in a low voice. He hoof was slowly making its way for the human's-
"Are you trying to rape me?!" asked the human as he jumped to his feet. The yellow mare flapped her wings to stay in the air.
"It doesn't have to be rape of you consent..." Fluttershy flapped her wings harder to fly towards the human. He barely dodged the yellow torpedo, and continued to run to Ponyville. "I'll find you, human. I will not be denied!
Away from Fluttershy, the human finally entered Ponyville. He decided to take a stealthy approach to this town. Get in; get out in silence. He would sneak around corners, jump into bushes, and even put on a custom if he had to. Anything to stay out of the way of mares. His plan was working until a certain Pink mare appeared out of no where.
"Whatcha doing?" she asked.
"Hiding from the mares..." said the human. Realization struck him hard as he backed away." Stay back...I know it's estrus but calm down...there's plenty of other stallions out there..."
"What's estrus?"
The human nearly died inside. Pinkie's cliche innocence played rhythms on his heart. Fortunately, in this universe she wasn't a promiscuous ,naughty girl. If the human played his cards right, he could use Pinkie to his advantage. Yet of course, his plan was ruined when Pinkie somehow brought forth the more mature Rarity. As soon as she saw the human, her eyes sparkled, and she licked her lips suggestively.
"Rarity, what's estrus?" Pinkie asked again.
"Nothing you need to worry about. Now go play, Pinkie...the human and I have more pressing matters to attend to..."
"...Fuck." It was the Human's only response as he watched Pinkie bounce away. His last and only hope. He tried to run away , but Rarity use her magic to tie his feet to the ground.
" Look at those rags you're wearing." Rarity stated. The human hurt inside because his mother picked out those clothes. "They're simply hideous, DHAAAAARRLIING. Now, how about we go back to my place, get you undressed so I can...make you some new clothes. How does that sound?"
"You're trying to have se-"
"Don't be so vulgar..." Rarity let out a nervous laugh, "I simply want to make you new clothes..."
The human sighed, and broke the magical bounds. This world really sucked if you were sober. The human decided that stealth wasn't the right way to get what he wanted for his alcohol. He needed to be direct. So, he marched straight in to the market. The mares who filled the town were instantly drawn to him. They followed him. They brushed against him. Some even downright assumed the position. "No class..." thought the human as he straightened his fedora, and scratched his growing neck beard.
He continued to walk the hoard of horny mares, and some stallions behind him. He went to a stand to buy Zecora's ingredient, yet couldn't decide what flavor the potion should be..Suddenly, he was struck by an apple. It hit him hard, and he over dramatically fell to the ground. He opened his eyes to see the apple perfectly positioned in his eyesight. At that moment, he got up, brushed himself off, and knew what flavor he wanted.
"I'll take some cherries, and whatever is on this list." The human said with absolute certainty. This caused Applejack to facehoof as she continued to throw more apples in the human's direction.
The constant apple barrage, nor the horny mares who rubbed against his more private areas didn't cause the human to get annoyed. He kept his thoughts on the soon to be brewed cherry potion. He almost reached Nirvana in his thoughts until a white chariot pulled by two royal guards came flying in. As it landed, a white alicorn stepped from the chariot. All the ponies bowed despite the estrus going on.The human knew more trouble was to come.
"Rise my ponies, for I know it's a difficult time for you. But do not fall prey to this monster's appeal!" Celestia said while pointing to the human, " He is a grave, sexy, stamina filled, dangerous, monster. He must be punished...in my dungeon...after being whipped...and hot oil...slowly dripped upon his exposed..."
"Ummm, excuse me?" asked the human, " I'm not a monster. I just want to by this stuff, and leave."
"No...you must be punished! Very very slowly..."
Celestia began to walk toward the human with a feral look in her eye. Nothing short of a miracle was going to stop her from "punishing" the monster. The human could only watch as Celestia descended on him. The show made her seem alot smaller than she actually was. Her eyes twitched as they grew huge, and a wicked smile grew on her snout. "All mine..." she whispered to him as she nipped his ear. A tear formed in the human's eyes. It just had to be him that came to this world. The only thing he could do was close his eyes, and accept his terrible fate.
"Don't touch my toy!" he heard a familiar shy voice scream.
The human opened his eyes just in time to see Fluttershy push Celestia away ,and began wrestling Celestia. Each one rolled over ontop the other until the wrestling turned into...something a little more intimate. The human turned away. He was certain more ponies would join, and he didn't want to watch that. He gathered the cherries, thrown apples, and the ingredient which was wrapped in brown paper, and began to walk off, yet the cluster of mares who hadn't joined the group followed, then ran after him. He knew they were were faster than him, and would catch him within moments. Even though they caught up to him, he still could dodge their attacks. Fortunately, his good friend Zecora decided to get off her lazy ass ,and help him. She appeared out of the shadows, threw down a potion that causes smoke, and pulled the human to safety.
"I hope me saving you doesn't turn into an everyday thing."
Safely at the hut, the human rested. No more ponies chasing him. Nothing to worry about. Soon he could drown his sorrows in cherry potion. He expectantly watched Zecora take the products he bought.
"You know, Zecora...you never told me what the special ingredient was." The human said.
"OH, 'cuz there wasn't one. I just wanted a good laugh. I was watching you from my viewing mirror. I had a good time seeing you run and dodge those. It just brightened up my day." Zecora laughed as she lit the fire underneath her cauldron. She also unwrapped the brown paper to reveal a small bag of an illegal plant, "Plus, I didn't even expect Celestia to appear. That was just icing on the cake!"
"That's cold, bro..."
"Hey, ya' shouldn't have spilled my potion. That's why I'm limiting you to only five cups, lightweight."
"Not cool...wait...so why did you come save me?"
"I wasn't...I just remembered that I never gave you the bits to pay for all this. It was a coincidence we met in the forest."
"..."
"Don't be that way human. Look the brew will be ready in two hours, so we have time to talk about your feelings." Zecora stated as she rolled the illegal plant in some paper.
The human got up from his seat, and walked to Zecora. He picked her up with ease, and walked to the door of the hut. As he opened it up, screams of estrus impaired mares filled the hut. Realizing her fate, Zecora began to struggle, yet it was futile. The human was too strong. With a simple toss, the zebra was in the middle of the horny ponies. She slowly sank into the hoard as the ponies pulled her in. Her last sight ,besides pony plot, was the human tipping his fedora, and lighting her rolled plant.
