The Increasingly Escalating Food Fight
It's Dangerously Delicious
“Hey Twili!” shouted Shining Armor, “Let’s have a snowball fight!”
“But brother” she replied, “It’s the middle of summer. Snow doesn’t grow in the summer.”
“Oh, I forgot about that. My bad.”
They both stood in silence for a while, watching the crowds move to and fro about their business. After a while Shining Armor broke the stillness.
“Now what?”
“I dunno. I guess we could stand here and wait for winter to come.”
“Good idea. Let’s do that.”
So they stood, waiting for winter. They just stood, staring into the distance. The citizens of Canterlot happily trotted about, carrying on with their lives. Street vendors peddled apples as fashion designers idled with movie stars and drunken street performers regressed deeper into depression, all while Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor stood and waited for winter. This was how it was for about six hours.
“The sun is going down.”
“Yes, it is.”
“One-hundred and sixty-four days left.”
“Yep.”
Shining Armor shuffled his hooves, “This is boring. Can’t we just make snow?”
“We aren’t pegasi” his sister replied.
“But we are unicorns, the master race.”
“True. You gonna give it a try?”
Shining Armor concentrated on the magic in his horn. He focused on everything he knew about snow. It’s white, soft, and malleable. He focused, and concentrated, and concentrated, and focused, and foconcentursterated until finally poof! A white ball appeared in the air and dropped to the ground with a splat.
“It doesn’t exactly look like snow”, Twilight walked toward the object.
“Did I mess up?” her brother asked.
Twilight looked down at the blob on the ground, sniffed it, and then ran her tongue along it’s length.
“Mashed potatoes” she said. “You made mashed potatoes.”
“Well, I was close.”
“Eh, not really”, Twilight lifted the ball of potatoes and turned it over with her magic, inspecting it. Then a mischievous idea formed in her mind.
“Hey, Shining Armor, come here.”
“What is it? Did you thi-”
Whap!
“Ahh! You got potatoes in my face!” he exclaimed as Twilight burst out in laughter and began to roll on the ground.
“Oh, it’s on” he said.
“Bring it, brother.”
Shining Armor assumed a charging stance as Twilight Sparkle backflipped behind a nearby bale of hay.
“You can’t hide from me!”
Twilight didn’t know what was happening, but she could see the glow of her brother’s magic, and hear a whole bunch of poofing. She decided to risk a peek over the hay.
Bam! Bam! Splat! Whap! Bam! Bam! Whap! Splat!
“Oh no you didn’t!” she shouted.
“Oh yes I did” he replied.
“Well, I’ve got some magic too. Take this!” POOOTAAATOOO POOOWERRRR!”
She clapped her hooves together and brought them down on the ground, for dramatic effect. Then she conjured the largest potato in existence, the one that to this day holds three world records, and dropped it.
Wham! The potato hit empty ground.
Shining Armor had dodge to one side and avoided the giant tuber, which was now rolling down the street, taking a good section of the surround landscape with it.
After that, the stallion turned to face his sister, not to scold her for almost crushing the life out of him, but to retaliate. In an instant the were eight-hundred balls of mashed potatoes floating in the air, and in the next they were hurtling towards Twilight at bullet speed.
“Ha! That won’t work!” the little filly shouted.
She jumped in the air and did a summersault (unnecessarily) and conjured herself a tennis racquet.
“Batter up!”
Whap! Smack! Whap! Whap! Smack! Bam! Bam! Splat! Badadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadda!
The barrage had evolved into a steady stream of smashed starches, and Twilight Sparkle wasn’t blocking a single blow.
“Ahh! I completely forgot tennis racquets have holes in them!”
She waved her useless shield around, uselessly, until she could no longer move, due to being buried in potatoes.
“Ready to forfeit?” he asked.
“Never!”, Twilight exploded from the mass of potatoes, wielding in her hooves a giant stalk of celery that she sliced at her brother with.
Shining Armor was prepared for this though, and he blocked with a loaf of french bread. There they stood, adorably, on two legs, weapons locked and staring into each other’s eyes, each trying to dominate the other with sheer strength.
Given enough time, Shining Armor would probably have prevailed, but his bread was soft, and it gave way to the power of the celery (all hail almighty celery).
Unarmed and exposed, Shining Armor executed a judo flip and took cover in a bush.
“Oh no you don’t!” yelled Twilight.
“I think I do!” replied her brother. “Take this!”
The blue and white of the stallion emerged from his shrub, swinging a gatling gun to his hip, and unleashed hell.
“EAT CARROTS!” he screamed, and let loose a deadly volley of vegetables towards his sister.
“Ha!” screamed Twilight. “I’ve got a ping pong paddle this time!”, and ping pong she did. With a ping and a pong, she skillfully swatted aside each and every tasty treat he sent her way.
“Blast! You’ve learned your lesson! I’m gonna have to change my tactics.”
“Hey, Shining Armor, turn around.”
“What?”
Whack!
“Apples, motherbucker!”
“Watch your mouth little filly!”
“Or what?”
Corn!
Corn it was, too. He stuffed her face so full of corn she could hardly breath, but at the same time, she couldn’t swear. Take that! Purity over pain!
Oh hell no, corn directly in the face? Two can play dirty. She spat away the disgusting shucks and ripped a wheel of cheese out of thin air and into reality.
“What are you gonna do with that? Make soup?” taunted Shining Armor. He wasn’t very good at taunting.
“No” she replied. “I’m gonna end you.”
She hoisted the cheese high above her head and it doubled in size, and doubled again and again, and then quadrupled in size, and then shrank by 3%, and then it’s overall mass was multiplied by 7.28, and she let it loose.
“Dodge this one, big brother”, and she let it fly.
He braced himself and summoned his magic. “I don’t have to dodge it, I can- aah!”
Slam! Direct hit.
“You dead? Shining Armor, you dead?”
The cheese wheel rolled through the streets, following the path of the potato and cleaning up whatever it’s predecessor had missed. Shining Armor was nowhere to be seen.
“Brother?”
Silence. Her brother was nowhere in sight. Twilight found herself all alone in the dark streets of Canterlot.
“B- brother?”
No response.
“D- did I kill him?”, Twili felt tears begin to well behind her eyes. Was this the end? No. It couldn’t be. IT’S NOT FAIR! YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM AW-
Whap!
What was that?
Whap! Whap!
Muffins.
It seems the hunt is still on.
Delicious.
