I Didn't Think This Through...
Well, fuck. I did done goofed.
I got to where I wanted to be. A thousand years in Equestria and another thousand on the moon. And then I returned, got my ass handed to me by six random ponies, turned into a good princess, and lived happily ever after. The end.
At least that’s what the books I’ve read said. The truth is that I always wanted to just get my vengeance and rehand some asses. I always had a fetish for that. Mmmh, delicious buttcheeks.
So this is what I did. After countless years of having to endure the same shit from way, way back then once again—Tia never really knew how to give me some damn space and make me feel like I was actually more than just her princess-in-law—I decided to screw it all over again. Good thing was that I actually learned from my past mistakes. Like, wow, what the fuck was I thinking when I just randomly decided to turn into Nightmare Moon, saying that only I can be the one princess in Equestria, and started assaulting her?
Long story short, I decided to just ambush Tia with some surprise hugs. Of course, that naive pony doesn’t know better than to just call it me being me. Too bad for her she didn’t see how terribly out of character I was when I did that, because, damn, I wasn’t like myself at all. Royal attitude was the one thing I used to fake all the time, and that wasn’t really unknown to anyone. So when I gave her some surprise buttsecks hugs no one suspected anything.
But the truth was that I used this opportunity to touch her flank. Hoo boy, those flanks. I mean, screw incest and everything, but damn, Tia was a fucking goddess—figuratively and literally. Agony and ecstasy in the one moment I had to touch her sun cutie mark. It felt like I was going to burst into flames myself.
Hey, no one ever said an explosion fetish is weird. Right…?
In the moment I touched her flank I “installed” some secret and powerful spells onto the tattoo. Without her knowledge I basically took control of the sun. Every time she was about to do something to that giant thing in the sky I was notified by a soft tingling in my horn and wings I had to move the thing myself for her to not suspect anything. Why wings? Hornboner and wingboner makes you feel stronger when you move astral objects. At least so I’ve heard.
For a while I just let it happen and decided to make her believe she still had any power. My intentions were very weird, actually. I just wanted to take everything away from her to get my revenge. I wanted to see her suffer, to see her blood being spilled and her bones all being broken.
But then, magic happened. Or rather, tattoos. For some reason the notification spell suddenly wore off and I was just left alone doing absolutely nothing to help it. So when she tried to move McThingy up there and nothing happened, she suddenly felt what was wrong.
And thus, my dear friends, the apocalypse started. I was the only princess in Equestria who actually had some power over astral objects anymore. Cadance was too busy nailing Shining and Twilight was too busy being the shittiest princess this land has ever seen. Meanwhile, Tia was looking for the cause of her sudden power withdrawal, only realizing way, way later that I was the reason for it.
When that happened I decided to just blurt it out. “Hey, Tia… You remember the thing with the moon and Nightmare Moon from a while ago? Happened last week. Or one thousand years ago. Don’t know.” And then she assaulted me and I felt like she was about to kiss me right there and then. Too bad I have standards, and as such I just swept her off me. “No need to be mad, you know.”
Then she called the Royal Guards and I thought she wanted to start a royal orgy or something. I wouldn’t have minded, let me tell you that. Instead, they tied me to a chair, making me believe I was going to get some feather-tickling torture. The horn blocker they put on me was just a piece of fabric and if I had wanted to I could’ve ripped it off of me in a second, but I let it happen. At first anyway.
Tia then was all, “Zigga, what be your problem?!” and I was like, “Faustus Christ, chill ye dick.” And then we had sex. Well, no. We didn’t. Sadly. Or not sadly. Incest is bad and not funny. I don’t know what to think anymore.
I was carried away to the dungeon. Then, from there, I looked outside at the astral objects. Lost in her blinded anger, Tia just grabbed her powers back, but for that she didn’t do anything in return. So I was left with both the mutual control of sun and moon.
Then I smiled and told myself, “Bitch, today we will own this land!” And thus I did. I brought the moon down and knocked Tia on the head with it. Must’ve hurt a lot.
And I also destroyed the castle while I did that.
And killed half the ponies living there.
The other half was swallowed by storm waves of water. Well whoops, didn’t know tides were still a thing, you know?
So, with Tia knocked out I had instant control over the sun, and I just brought it down. Suddenly everywhere you were to listen to you’d hear screams of agony and ecstasy, though not of the kind I described before. Instead, it would’ve been random ponies screaming random incoherent noises. Give me a fucking break! Have you ever had to endure a solar eclipse on the moon? Your pathetic sun down here on Equestria is nothing in comparison to that. Noobs.
After they all died, I brought the thing back up and claimed my victory. Spreading my arms out and shouting high up in the sky, I was like, “Gaze upon me, losers! This is the age of incoherent language and the time I will officially rule over you!”
It was then that I realized something.
Something very, very important.
“Uhh, hello?”
Like, very important.
“Hello-o-o?”
I killed them all.
“Oh, whoops.”
Well, after that I could’ve just continued with this stupid problem of not having anything to rule over, but I said nah. So I made a clone of myself and we had some. Unfortunately, it technically still counted as masturbation, and that never gave you a healthy foal.
So now I’m here, wondering what the shit I’m supposed to do.
Worst apocalypse ever. Zero out of ten. How do I doomsday?
