Alicorn
Appendix: Previous Revisions
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Previous Revisions
Alicorn has been through numerous edits since its initial publication. Previous chapter revisions are recorded here for future record.
Chapter One
- Originally published as a one-shot sequel to Mommy Nearest by Fairy-Slayer. Content and tone are similar to that parent fic.
- Rainbow Dash expresses only minor, fleeting anger toward Celestia. Some unpalatable facts are brought to light, e.g. Celestia’s refusal to acknowledge her parentage on myriad previous occasions; these facts are quickly moved past, and the story ends with a moment of heartfelt reconciliation.
- Other challenges related to Rainbow Dash’s new rank and biology are not addressed (e.g. how being a princess will uproot her life, how others will perceive her differently, how her future ambitions will be affected, how her friendships will be affected, how she will grow into her magical abilities).
- Rainbow Dash is known as Princess Freyja in this version, in direct continuity with the original published version of Mommy Nearest.
- Celestia’s rationale for giving up Rainbow Dash for adoption (“Because you weren’t a unicorn”) also mirrors the original continuity of Mommy Nearest.
- Certain staples of the modern version of Alicorn are already present, such as the lullaby, but the overall structure and narrative are very bare-bones.
- Chapter remains in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- By this point, the overall narrative of Alicorn had begun to take shape, and it became clear that developing and exploring a plausible mother-daughter relationship between Rainbow Dash and Celestia would be at the heart of the story. Therefore, any tearful reconciliation in Chapter One would come far too early. The chapter was revised to end with Rainbow Dash turning away from Celestia, refusing to forgive her, and refusing to acknowledge her as her parent.
- Rainbow Dash’s emotions are barely exposed. She expresses only minor sadness and very little in the way of anger or fear.
- Celestia’s point of view is unexplored outside of dialogue, and her own emotions are left mostly untreated.
- By this point, Rainbow Dash is known as Princess Aurora, not Princess Freyja.
- Complete rewrite. Chapter is no longer in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest. With this revision, the major narrative developments of Fairy-Slayer’s original fanfic are fully integrated into Alicorn.
- Several of the story beats remain the same: Rainbow Dash falls from a cloud and is brought back to town by Applebloom and Big Macintosh; the doctors are unable to provide remedy; Twilight Sparkle is unable to provide remedy; Zecora is unable to provide remedy; Twilight Sparkle writes to Celestia, who arrives and reveals herself to be Rainbow Dash’s mother.
- Several new scenes are written on the front end to examine Rainbow Dash’s station in life at the start of the story (i.e. dead-end job, aspiring to the Wonderbolts, looking forward to tryouts in September).
- The recurring thematic motif of the painting above the fireplace and the concept of “Good Enough” are introduced.
- Several dream sequences are provided to foreshadow the revelation of Rainbow Dash's parentage and provide examination into her unraveling mental and emotional state.
- A scene is written for Celestia in Griffi’la to foreshadow the Ascendancy story thread.
- Rainbow Dash’s reaction to hearing the truth from Celestia is now apocalyptic. Her anger, fear, and sadness are powerful.
- Celestia’s mental and emotional state are also investigated.
- "Because you weren't a unicorn" is struck from Celestia's list of reasons for giving Rainbow Dash up for adoption, as this was, in the author's opinion, too ignoble and accommodating of racism to stand as a justifiable rationale. Instead, Celestia cites a number of other reasons for wishing to recuse herself from the responsibility of raising Rainbow Dash, including her past failures raising Luna.
- The fallout between Rainbow Dash and Celestia follows the contours of the parallel scene in the 2012 revision, but the emotional punch is much more raw and faithful to Rainbow Dash’s loyalty and emotional nature.
- The scene showing Celestia’s introspection lying in the hospital with an unconscious Rainbow Dash is slightly overwritten.
2019 Revision (current version) –
- Celestia's introspection is rewritten.
- Paragraphs are removed showing Rainbow Dash being made to wear a bridle to restrain her from hurting herself, a holdover from Mommy Nearest.
- Several other minor edits.
Chapter Two
- Chapter remains in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- Celestia features at the beginning of the chapter, still in the hospital room with Rainbow Dash following their heartfelt reconciliation at the end of Chapter One. She briefly lectures Rainbow Dash about her horn when Rainbow Dash makes the mistake of referring to it as a “can opener”—thus, the origin of the can opener joke, eventually to be paid off in Chapter Seven.
- Rainbow Dash and Celestia are soon joined by Fluttershy, marking the first of several perfunctory appearances by the Mane Six in this chapter. Fluttershy’s inclusion contributes nothing to the overall narrative, nor do the follow-up scenes with Applejack and Rarity at the farm and Pinkie Pie at the party; these scenes are largely short and superficial, serving only to tick the boxes on mentioning the Mane Six.
- Rainbow Dash performs a sonic rainboom, which was noteworthy during the 2011 hiatus between the first and second seasons of the cartoon, as it was unclear then whether Rainbow Dash would keep her signature ability after the events of S1E16.
- There is a minor romance/shipping between Rainbow Dash and Big Macintosh during the scene on the farm.
- Numerous background ponies are included at Pinkie Pie’s party.
- The central narrative dilemma is beginning to take shape: Twilight Sparkle and Celestia share a picnic lunch, where Celestia conveys some trepidation about being a parent to Rainbow Dash; later on, the graveyard scene between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle lays bare Rainbow Dash’s reservations about opening herself up to Celestia and betraying her adoptive mother and father. However, the tone of the chapter—as well as the chapter title itself, “A New Beginning”—are still notably upbeat. There is little to give the impression that Rainbow Dash has suffered as a result of growing her horn, and she and Celestia are quite cordial.
- Chapter remains in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- Celestia no longer features at the start of the chapter.
- Despite following the revised version of Chapter One in which Rainbow Dash rejects Celestia, her emotional state is still muted, with boredom at being stuck in the hospital and fascination with her horn ranking chief among her concerns.
- Fluttershy’s scene is expanded.
- During her picnic with Twilight Sparkle, Celestia remarks on her intention to fly north to a place called Asgard, later to become Griffi’la in a future revision. This marks the initial authorial conception of the Ascendancy and the beginning of their role in the story, although at this primordial stage, their foreshadowing is still quite sparse.
- Celestia also asks Twilight Sparkle to speak to Rainbow Dash and convince her to come to Canterlot for her own protection, with the unsavory alternative that if Twilight Sparkle does not convince her, Celestia will order the Royal Guard to bring Rainbow Dash in by force. This would turn out to be an unfortunate narrative revision: because the threat posed by the Ascendancy was so ill-defined, and because Celestia's relationship with Rainbow Dash was so nascent, Celestia's request had the effect of causing readers to second-guess her intentions, turning them against her from an early stage.
- Later in the chapter, when Rainbow Dash visits her the graves of her mother and father, she asks their forgiveness for harboring certain feelings toward Celestia that she can’t control, rather than their permission to pursue a mother-daughter relationship with her, one step further along the path of making Rainbow Dash's alienation from Celestia a central plank of the story.
- Chapter is no longer in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- Minor patch job to make the chapter compatible with the 2015 revision of Chapter One. Several narrative problems still persist, which these edits were simply insufficient at addressing.
- The chapter now begins with Rainbow Dash trying not to think about Celestia and the revelation of her parentage. While this is closer to the devastation she experiences in the 2015 revision of Chapter One, Rainbow Dash is still far too reserved and composed during the initial scenes and throughout the chapter.
- Tank is included at Pinkie Pie’s party, as by this point, he had been a long-established character in the franchise.
- The background ponies are excluded from Pinkie Pie’s party, making the event more of a small and intimate get-together among friends.
- Apart from the graveyard scene, tone remains problematic, and the catastrophic repercussions on Rainbow Dash’s emotional state are left unexplored.
Chapter Three
- Chapter remains in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- Celestia makes a cameo at the start of the chapter, as at this stage, her mission in the Griffin Kingdom had not yet been conceptualized.
- Tristar is overly antagonistic while escorting Rainbow Dash into the Warrens. His rejoinders to Rainbow Dash cross the line into disrespect and insubordination.
- First published appearance of Luna in Alicorn. As this chapter was written nearly a month before S2E04 Luna Eclipsed aired, the story did not have the advantage of leaning on the character’s canon depiction. Instead, Luna’s personality takes inspiration from fanon portrayals, especially Progress by Andrew Joshua Talon. Here, she is portrayed as reserved, unassuming, something of a bibliophile, and tormented by guilt over her actions as Nightmare Moon. Over time, with future chapters and revisions, Luna’s personality would come to more closely resemble that seen in canon, with greater self-confidence and forthrightness, although it would never be an exact match.
- Several allusions to Progress are included as fan service (i.e. the abacus, the microwave).
- Sage Whitehoof is overly evasive about his identity, for no particular reason other than to prolong the reveal until the end of the chapter. He contributes almost nothing of substance during his introduction to Rainbow Dash.
- Rainbow Dash expresses aloofness toward Celestia at the end of the chapter, but still minimal hostility.
- Chapter is no longer in direct continuity with Mommy Nearest.
- Celestia no longer makes a cameo at the start of the chapter.
- Tank accompanies Rainbow Dash to Canterlot.
- Luna remains mired in her fanon characterization.
Chapter Six
At time of publication, this chapter marked Shining Armor's first appearance in the story. The previous two chapters were published 4/1/2012, three weeks prior to the air date of S2E25 and S2E26, A Canterlot Wedding. As such, Shining Armor did not feature in the narrative prior to this chapter, nor did Cadance. The addition of these characters to the show posed several immediate challenges to the canon compatibility of Alicorn:
- Cadance is an alicorn. The existence of a third alicorn other than Celestia and Luna retroactively created a problem in the first several chapters of the story: why was Cadance not mentioned or featured in Chapters One through Five?
- The mechanism by which Cadance had become an alicorn—ascension—had also not been cemented yet, and would not be cemented until S3E13, Magical Mystery Cure. At this stage, Cadance's background and relation to Celestia and Luna were entirely speculative. The tie-in novella, Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart Spell, would later establish Cadance as a pegasus who was adopted by Celestia and transformed into an alicorn due to an act of heroism, but this had yet to be conceptualized. As a result of Cadance's vague background, it was difficult to integrate her into the story with any amount of forward accuracy.
- Once ascension was unveiled in the cartoon, Alicorn became even more incompatible with Cadance's canon depiction. In the internal logic of the fanfic, alicorns are born, not manufactured. Thus, it would be impossible for Cadance to have been born a pegasus and made into an alicorn at a later date.
- Shining Armor is revealed as Captain of the Royal Guard in S2E25, A Canterlot Wedding. However, Alicorn had already given this role to Tristar. This was yet another plot point that caused friction between the show canon and the fanfic.
This constellation of problems, which was later compounded by Twilight's ascension in the cartoon, led to a three-year hiatus in which the story was not updated. Although a draft was written as early as 2012, Chapter Six would not be published until 2015. Ultimately, the following compromises were made:
- Cadance would retain her rank as princess, but she would remain an off-screen character as much as possible so as to not draw reader attention to her. To maintain compatibility with the narrative of the fanfic, she would not be presented as an alicorn, but rather as a pegasus. Thus, this chapter marks a critical divergence with the cartoon, and the point where Alicorn basically becomes an alternate universe.
- Whereas Cadance was pushed to the background, it was decided that Shining Armor would feature in Chapter Six at the battle in Manehattan. His captaincy was reconciled by making him captain of the Unicorn Corps of the Royal Guard, whereas Tristar is captain of the Pegasus Corps.
Because Shining Armor was not previously established as a character in Chapters One through Five, it was necessary to quickly write him during the battle at the start of Chapter Six. This has the downside of being contrived: in the span of a few paragraphs, Shining Armor is established to be Cadance's fiancé, as well as Tristar's friend and protégé. The tone and realism of the scene suffer as a result: why is Shining Armor reminiscing over old times in the middle of a major battle?
There is uncertainty over the extent of Shining Armor's injuries.
- After the battle, Shining Armor is described as climbing to his hooves, flashing Tristar a smile, and limping off the battlefield.
- In a later scene, Twilight is described as having just come from a visit to Shining Armor in the hospital. Shining Armor is mentioned as having been "sedated" and "unconscious" with Cadance "wispy-eyed at his side," but with injuries non-threatening enough that he would be "out in a week."
- This vacillating over the extent of the character's injuries was due to uneasiness about how dark the tone of the story ought to be.
The word "terrorism" does not appear anywhere in this version of the chapter, also owing to concerns about tone.
The primary argument deployed against Celestia in the newspaper (and later cited by Rarity in her argument with Rainbow) is that Celestia was guilty of failing to alert to populace of an imminent attack despite having foreknowledge of it.
Tone is kept light during the hospital scene with Sweetie Belle.
Celestia's rationale for keeping the operation a secret is that she wanted to capture the ringleader of the Ascendancy, and she feared he would go into hiding if she tipped her hoof by putting out a public alert. However, this smacks of an idiot plot. There's no compelling reason to believe the Ascendancy's ringleader would make himself a target in Manehattan regardless of whether the danger posed by the Ascendancy was made public. Indeed, despite keeping the operation quiet, Celestia apparently fails to capture the ringleader anyway. Thus, upon examination, Celestia's actions in this version of the chapter are almost indefensible.
Uncertainty over tone continues into the hospital scene with Sweetie Belle. Pinkie Pie's antics are comical and light-hearted throughout. Rarity's father is described as having suffered no major injuries, and he takes a jovial disposition about the vacation. When the Cutie Mark Crusaders show up, their interactions with Sweetie Belle are played for laughs. Overall, the consequences of the events in Manehattan are not treated with any amount of gravity by the main characters, with Rarity being the lone exception.
Chapter Nine
- The final prank involves a can of nuts and some over-the-top lunar shenanigans.
2024 Revision (current version) –
- The opening scene between Tristar and Otto Bravemane is lengthened, giving further insight into Tristar's thoughts and assumptions about the Ascendancy.
- More popover puns.
- The first prankstorming session between Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie is lengthened, hopefully giving more space for the emotions to breathe. A call-back to Rarity is also included.
- Tzeep-Tzeep!
- The conversation between Twilight Sparkle and Tristar is completely reworked, providing further insight into Tristar's past history with Shining Armor. The dialogue should hopefully be less overwrought.
- The final prank has been reworked, incorporating concepts from the cartoon and bringing things down to a more grounded level of realism. Celestia no longer cheats. This is far closer to my original vision for the chapter. When I wrote The Pranking of Princess Luna in 2016, I was never satisfied with the final prank — I just ran out of creative juices, threw something at the wall, and said, "Good enough!" The final prank in the revised version is elegant, straightforward, and much more to my liking. (Actually, I think I had a lightbulb moment where I came up with this exact same idea back in 2016, but I went to sleep without writing it down and it fell out of my head. Always write down your ideas, folks!)