The Nice-ies

by Dynomation

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 3485

They do anything anytime, and don`t often get paid for the jobs they do.

They do anything anytime, and don`t often get paid for the jobs they do.

A parody to one of my favourite British comedies 'The Goodies' with all there craziness ponified.

Published 2014-06-01 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-01 17:30:01 UTC

Tower of Canterlot Part 1

2 ponies and a griffin entered the darken room, flicking the light switch on the griffin closed the large orange front door shut.

“Oh it Fantastic!” stated the tan unicorn stallion in a strange union jack waistcoat, a blonde mane and tail being neatly combed on his head.

“Hmm!” said the small and chubby pegasus with a sky blue coat, with a messy brown mane and tail with a beard grasping his mussel like some small furry animal. Wearing a yellow t-shirt and black vest.

“Yes I think I`ve spent you money rather well” stated the griffin with an owl front half, with a large pair of black rimmed glasses grassing his beck, and a long lab coat covering his wings.

“Thank you Auntie Dah” said the unicorn as he bowed to what could only be an oil painting of himself dressed in drab, with a heavily frown on him/her’s face.

“Right let`s have a look around then!” said the stumpy pegasus, trotting away with a egger look on his face.

“Dadadadada, Allow me!" the griffin said stopping the pegasus. “Now I have design this place, so that we can not only work but also live in here 24 hours and day, 7 weeks a month. So- heading over to a large set of double door he opened them saying- In here we have a year’s supply of food!”

The doors opened to reveal a huge cupboard full of packs of food and drink with the occasional soup can. Closing the doors as quickly as he opened them the griffin walked over to the small single door saying.

“Through here we have of course the kitchen”- a small dining table and a set of small white cupboards visible through the small door.

“Now this over here is are little computer, designed by my own fair claws and garneted to solve any problem!” he said walking across to the large mess of machinery sticking out of the wall, with a whole panel have only to rolls of film shaking in between two rollers.

“And whilst were waiting for that to cop up a result, we can have a nice lie down” he said walking over to the double doors again opening them to revealed a massive double bed. The small pegasus took a second glance to make sure he wasn`t s seeing things.

Closing the doors the griffin turned to face the others.

“Of course all washing and shaving facility are provided”

“Oh really where?” asked both the ponies, again opening the double doors, the inner room had change into a bathroom, with a large bath and sink occupying the space. The griffin closed the doors.

The two looked at each other dumfounded for a moment.

“Now this” moving to the only window in the room “Is our rent-a-view picture window presently the only one of its kind in existence. It can transport your living room to any city in any land , you can desire!”

Turning the blind to closed position a large picture of a large Canterlot chapel “Each picture comes with music to complete the illusion!” he said talking over the holy sounding harp.

The unicorn took the blind in his magic and change the image, to Prance with the Eifel tower and the stereotypical prench music in the background.

“Very good come try again!” stated the pegasus, the unicorn change the image again.

A lovey serene picture of a boat going along a city river, the only problem the music!

Turn the ankerville down sport, turn the ancker-

“TURN IT OFF!!!” shouted the pegasus, both him and the unicorn clutching the ears in disgust at the noise.

“Well if you really must play here we have a full equipped games room!" stated the Griffin, opening the single door, there where louds of weighs and other pass times. “And that`s about it”

“Oh! Where the loo? You forgotten the loo haven`t you!” to with the griffin just pointed to the single door with a smile on his face.

Trotting up to the door with a gentle push it swung open to reveal a toilet. Pulling closed all of them walked over to the table and gathered around.

“It`s great!" stated the unicorn.

“Fantastic!”

“Everything we could possibly need”

“Yes, Everything we could possibly need!”

“What for?" asked the pegasus leaning on the table looking at the other two.

“Well, well, that`s a point what is it for?” asked the griffin looking at the unicorn, a frown on his beck.

“Well! Well…" stated the unicorn the smile he carried fading each time he said ‘well’

“Well”

“Yes what are we goanna do?”

“well”

“Oh come on it was your idea!” “Yeah whatever it is?”

“Exactly, exactly it was my idea! Arh we are the Nice-ies”

“Yes we know that!” both of them retorted.

“and we are going to be nice to ponies” stated the unicorn

“How wet!” shouted the pegasus

“How are we going to do that?”

“We just have to wait and see, when somepony needs us. And there bond to need us. Then we know wait we needed for”

“All we have to do is advertise we exists and well soon get people needing us. Now you should have done that!” he said pointing a hoof at the pegasus

“It alright! Alright? I`ve put one in the Times” he said handing out a newspaper to the others from the table.

“That`s good”

“One in there!” he said handing adults magazine to the others

“That’s not so good”

“One in stallions thing, one in mares thing, one in rubber news, Marevel” he handed all of the places he put adverts out.

“Making it a bit wide aren`t you”

“Well I don`t know what we do, do I!”

“What did you say? ‘The Nice-ies phone 083 1234, anything anytime’ that a bit vague is it?!” stated the griffin looking at the small pony.

“Yeah but well get enquiries!” he said back with a beaming smile.

“That’s fine, ‘phone 083 1234’, is that are number? Where`s the phone?!” asked the unicorn excitedly jumping about looking for a phone.

“Argh… well I`m afraid I forgot that bit” he stated with a raised claw being placed on the unicorns shoulder.

“No phone?”

“Its alright, its alright! There`s an old mare downstairs, that’s her number she takes in messages for us” said the pegasus reassuring the other two, as he pointed to the front door.

“That`s not very good for are image” said the unicorn with his head held high.

A knock sounded at the door “Come in” the door opened as a withered old mare handed a piece of paper then limped out closing the
door behind her.

“Can`t she speak?”

“She can`t even write!” squinting his eyes at the small piece of paper.

“Dear Nobodies” all of them looked about slightly confused as he continued to read

“’This is very argent, you are officially requested to report at precisely 2 o’clock at the Tower of Canterlot! Admission 5 bits’. Hay were in business!”

“Somepony needs us” said the griffin with a small smile.

“It`s quiet nice being needed” said the unicorn with a happy and prod smile on his face.

All three of the Nice-ies walked out of the build and towards a golden chariot, only to pull out a red trandom (A bicycle with 3 seats).

The unicorn pulled out a red siren and taped it to his head, tabbing the top it started to flash.

The griffin pulled up a small yellow flag with the ‘The Nice-ies’ as the pegasus pulled out to bike pumps and pumped up the both tires at the same time, placing them back into a pocket in his vest.

All three of them mounted the bike in an order, with the unicorn at the front, griffin in the middle, pegasus at the bike. Jumping on the seat to get comfortable.

All of them put their rear limbs on the peddles, and fell over onto the cobblestone road of Canterlot.

All got back off and started peddling with the pegasus have to hold on one hoofed as he fiddled with the bike pumps.

Riding alone the sound of anger pedestrians echoed behind them, either nearly being run over of hit round the fast as they were indicating to turn.

Arriving at the tower, the tyres swelled and they got off resting the bike on the wall.

Before they entered through a small archway the pegasus placed a small black and white balloon on the floor.

Pumping it up with a bike up, a few pumps later the small balloon had turned into a small black and white dog, with a red bowtie.

Placing a sign on the dogs for paws that read ‘It bites’ they left through the archway.

Coming round a corner with a large set of armour, and a small window, the unicorn leading with the other two following slowly.

“The place is deserted!” he stated pushing the griffin in front of him.

“Its a bit spooky isnt it?” stated the griffin, trying to light the mood a little.

“STRANGE!” echoed a voice emanating from somewhere. All the 3 jumped looking about a bit in a panic.

“There must be someone about try that door” pointing to a large wooden door “Argh right” looking through the key hole to see a small red pupil on a yellow eye.

A scream echoed down the hall, the griffin stood up straight as possible “I think its lock, theres an eye looking through the door” he said to the unicorn.

“Are you sure it locked?” he asked.

“Theres no one in there, theres an eye looking through the door” he said pointing to the door, but keeping straight and parallel to the door. The unicorn gave a questioning look

Pointing madly “There`s an eye looking through the door!”

Looking through the door he sore the same eye, jumping back he clang to griffin “There`s an eye!”

“Pretend we haven`t noticed” he said standing straight. As the pegasus came level with the door he pointed a stated loudly

“Hey there`s an eye!” both the other hurried to shut his mouth.

“Leave this to me” said the unicorn, stepping forwards “How do you do?”

The creature behind the door let out a undecidable groan

“I beg your pardon?”

"Who are you?”

“I think you sent for us”

“Are you alone?”

“No there 3 of us!” shouted the pegasus

“What?"

“Yes were alone the 3 of us”

The door locks were heard opening after what felt like an eternity a face greeted them. A long mussel with a antelope antler and deer on
the other side with a snaggle tooth grin.

“Come in”

The unicorn took a step back, then was pushed in by the pegasus.

All of them enter a large room, with a large medieval table in the centre.

“I can`t tell you how delighted I am in seeing you, I am Discord Santo custard pie the twenty-fourth thousand the third” said the dragonequus, he lion and eagle arms placed firmly on the table.

“Discord Santo custard pie the twenty-fourth thousand the third?”

“Yes and you delightful chaps are?"

“Trot Berk-Taylor” stated the unicorn.

“Science Nut” the griffin said unsure of what to make of it all.

“Bill Smash” said the Pegasus, with a look of fear his face.

Discord smile slightly then returned to ‘serious frown’ “Yes very nice to meet you and I am the lead non-uniform beefeater”

“Are you, well you’re the first beefeater we`ve seen, where are they all in their perches”

“Oh no it much worse than that!”

“Is it?!"

“I think thing get pretty bad when I have to entertain ponies in the kitchen!”

“In the what?”

“This are the kitchen of the tower of Canterlot, we converted an old torcher camber” he said gesturing to the open room, with small piles of hay in the side and walls. With large brick archways and long wooden table stretching down it length.

“It has a certain atmosphere don`t you think?” all 3 Nice-ies looked around unsure what to say.

“This are little claw screws, they make the most delightful garlic presser” he said holding up a claw screw to them with a smile on his face. “Awfully good for claws too”

“I’m sure they are but why did you send for us?"

“why Ill tell you why, Someone is stealing my beefeaters beef!"

“What?" said the small pegasus looking at the other two.

“Oh yes, and my lads are very fussy eaters. Yes if they dont get there beef Im not sure how my longer they will last
"
“But that serious!"

“No please dont use that word give me terrible hives, I think it more of a major disaster, Im trying to help I`m giving them corn beef sandwiches for the lunch, ha but corn beef” he said walking over to a small gelatine and placing a loaf of bread in it, the blade slicing through with ease, and making a hard thud as it hit the bottom

“Pass me the butter” he said placing neatly cut loafs on the tables

“Sure where is it?"

“In the fridge behind you” he gestured, the only thing behind him was a large coffin, opening it the sound of rust hinges echoed and the inside was white with ice and a slab of butter rested on a shelf under an ice box.

Handing it to the dragonequus both Bill and Science both took cover behind Trot

“I cant tell you how desperate Im getting!”

“Yes but why should anyone won`t to steal the beef?"

“That what I want you to find out!" he said whilst holding a large board sword in Trot direction, only to start buttering with it.

“My lads are starving, I`m giving them corn beef but it just not the, same is it?” he said gesturing to the slab of corn beef on the table, then walking over to a lever on the far wall.

A massive axe swang down from the ceiling separating Trot from the over in a panic all of them ran around the table to the other side, only to have the axe swing in front of them.

The axe stopped and Discord retrieved the corn beef slices “This is no food for a Yobird”

“They used to be stout and steward heroes, and now they’re just wasting away.”

A knock sounded at the door as the corn beef sandwich was finished. “Come in”

Two small griffin enter wearing beefeater uniforms, and by small they were small, Bill who was short for a pony towered over them.

“Im sorry lad its corn beef again” showing them the sandwich.

“Are forget!” both of them said in a high voice, storing out of the room.

“See there not half the birds they were”

“And there`s worse the ravens have gone”

“That a bad omen!"

“Why did they leave?"

“They ate them!"

“You mean you haven`t got any beef at all?" Nut said looking around.

“Yes, I`m keeping it for Sunday!” making all the mumble to each other in agreement.

Walking over to a large safe he said “Its in the meat safe, Ill show you, but in this disastrous time you have to take every procuration so just to be on the safe side I have put in a guard squirrel”

Opening the safe a small squirrel made a mad dash for the door knocking Bill out of it`s way.

“Youch!”

Examining the plate where the beef should have been it was empty, all of them looked at where the squirrel had been.

Back to the Nice-ies base

“Alright now look, were looking for something that bears a grudge against beefeaters” said Trot trotting around the room thinking out loud.

“Bulls!" said Bill sitting in a chair with a tube of yellow in his hooves.

“I beg your pardon?"

“Bull beef beefeater. Now look no bull likes being eaten right?” he said looking at him still slouched in a chair.

“Right!”

“Wha?"

“Bulls are stealing the beef so no more bull will have to be eaten.”

“Rubbish!” said Nut from his chair near the computer.

“Alright poultry farmer! If theres no beef theyll have to move on to something else and that where the poultry farmers come in! Because if there`s no more beef the beef eaters will have to move on to something else, and that probably be chicken so that were the poultry farmer cash in.”

“And the beef eater will have to change their name to ‘Chickeneaters’”

“Chickeneater, does lack a little dignity, ChickenEater! CHINCKENEATAR!! You get used to it in time. Chikeneater. Chickeneater.”

“Apostolate rubbish just wait until I finish feeding the computer” handing a sandwich to the computer, with disappeared into a video slot.

It burped in appreciation.

“What was that you gave us, it was beef wasnt it, beef!! beef!! Beef! Beef! Wasnt it, it was beef!” he stammer voice getting high with ever time he said beef.

“Have you scientist no soul! There are millions of little beefeaters starving and you feed a beef sandwich to a rotten machine!"

“Look there are not millions of beefeaters, there only two left, and there too tiny to be any further used to sociality anyways” he said leaning back on his computer.

“You swine” he said in disgusted looking at his college

“Sometimes you have to sacrifice some… feeling for the sack of scientific research” he said ponding his chest.

“Hmph” said Trot turning away from the griffin.

“Right you`ll see, now for some scientifically and locality answers! To who is stealing the beef.” he said storming over to the computer and reading of the piece of paper that was ejected from a small slit.

“Alright what does it say? Who`s doing it?”

“Bull or poultry farmer” he said looking down at the result not believing his own eyes.
Trot turned with a smirk on his face.

“Alright you got any bright ideas?” he said walking over to Bill who was sucking on the tube of yellow.

“No leaving him! Leave him. Hes on a trip. Hes far away.” Said Trot stopping Nut from touching the pegasus.

“What? What he got in their?” he with a curious look.

“Lemon sherbet, he`s Granny sends it to him, its perfectly harmless, but it turns him on. He start having vision in a minute!”

“Vision know that I have to see!” he said trying to take the sherbet. He was stopped by Trot.

“No you can`t see them, only he can, but sometimes he get turn insight into the true nature of reality!” he explained.

“Hahahahahahaaaaaa” shouted Bill in a bout of pure happiness.

“What he seeing, what he seeing?” asked Nut clinging to the chair.

“Oh it fantastic!” said Bill looking at the two, then started again. “Oh it coming again!”

“Oh no nonononono. Yes yes yes yes!”

“Let me see! Give us a suck!” stated Trot pleadingly.

“Get off!” he shot up to the taller unicorn.

Science ran around, with a pair of headphone with a cable attached to computer placing them on the still graving Bill.

“Oh Celestia blimey! Look at that!” said Bill pointing off into the distant.

“I`ll plug him into the machine!” said Nut, plugging in the cable into the rent-a-view window.

“Oh I dont believe that! No I dont believe it!”

On the window a picture of something that should have been censored appeared for a split second.

“Oh it gone” said Bill after the image faded. Which was replaced by a sign saying

‘Normal service will resume shortly’

“Keep sucking you fool!” shouted Nut.

The next image was of the top ten songs. From 971. After Nightmare Moon.

“Concentrate someone is trying to starve the Beefeater, why are they trying to stave the beefeaters? Why are they trying to stave the Beefeater” said Trot to the trippy Bill.

“Hang on something coming through” said Science.

“Horizontal hold, it his horizontal hold” said Trot as he twisted Bill`s muzzle with a hoof.

“A look there it is”

A picture of a red bird with black legs appeared on screen.

“Look it a bird!” “Blue tit” “No no it a Crow”

The image zoomed out to reveal the next part of the puzzle.
A ‘+n’ and old mare and a bell with the ‘b’ crossed out.

“Crow+n?” “Crone, witch old lady and errm” “Old lady with a big mouth!” “My mother in law! No. lady with a big mouth and…” “Big ding dongs” “No without the ‘b’…ells” “Old lady with big mouth ells” “It’s Crone-mouth-ell” “No no, it a chewing it a ‘chew’ er big mouth?” “Trender hoof?” “No chew-ell!” “Old-lady-chew-ell?”

“That is Crone-chew-ells?”

Crown Jewels ya`h fools“!”

Author's Note

a little bit fun well it was supposed to be!

A week to right and it still not good.