And None of them Lived Happily Ever After (Unfair Shipping Act I)

by DavidReinold

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2015

One fateful day, there began a romantic catastrophe for all of Equestria. Everypony was suddenly compelled to enter relationships with another pony, regardless of gender! Guided by an unseen hand, ponies began to date each other for reasons they couldn't explain. Many theorized that in another world, they were being watched and controlled by gods who wished to see their favorites among them become unified in marriage. But the true reasons were a mystery to all, except perhaps for one intuitive pony left without a partner…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-07-14 04:46:38 UTC

Something Amiss (Part 1)

        I decided not to ask either of them directly. Logically, if nothing was wrong and what I saw was actually how it was, then it would be none of my business. But if something was wrong and neither of them had partaken willingly, there would be a strong likelihood that neither of them would be able to tell me what was happening. There was still the slight chance that one or both of them might know, but given the other potential circumstances, that was a chance I didn't want to take.

        Instead I went to Pinkie Pie about it. I knew from experience that, assuming our conversation was private, she would never let word of this slip. And considering her extensive knowledge of Ponyville's social happenings, if the occurrence I had witnessed (which from here forward I will refer to as the "FlutterDash Incident") was genuinely their own choice, Pinkie Pie would be able to immediately confirm this.

        Well, potentially. Pinkie Pie was well-versed, but not omniscient. This conversation would be a well-evaluated gamble, but not a guarantee.

        "Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie squeaked loudly from an upstairs window at Sugar Cube corner. I let myself in, and a moment later Pinkie came bouncing down the stairs. At least she was the same as ever.

        "What's up?"

        "I have something important to ask you," I whisper, "but it has to stay completely secret. Okay?"

        "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"

        "Great. Now, is there a room here where we won't be heard?"

        Pinkie led me up to the top floor where her bedroom was.

        "Nopony ever comes up here except me, so you don't have to worry!"

        "Alright then...well, it's like this..." I start to explain, but I don't know how to put it. It's a sensitive topic, and I want to phrase it tactfully. I take a moment to think it over. It soon occurs to me that if I take too long to say something, Pinkie might think I'm Kira. I silently laugh at this thought and just decide to say it.

        "I saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy kissing yesterday."

        "OOOH! Love is in the air!"

        "Pinkie, this is serious. Neither of them looked like they had kissed willingly. It was like they had been forced to. I'm worried about them, and maybe I'm just imagining things and it's none of my concern, but aside from the obvious, something about what I saw seemed very off."

        "Twilight Sparkle, are you homophobic?"

        "NO! I have no problem with their personal choices, I just don't think it was a personal choice-"

        "Twilight, it seems someone needs to explain to you the nature of the birds and the other birds."

        "PINKIE! Listen to me. I know I probably sound paranoid right now, but if you saw what I saw, you would be just as worried. There was no love or romance in their eyes. Only fear. Their expressions spoke of shock. Fluttershy looked like she would start crying, and Rainbow Dash looked about ready to have a mental breakdown."

        "In other words, Rainbow Dash tried expressing her feelings towards Fluttershy, and Fluttershy wasn't ready to accept that the feeling was mutual. And now Rainbow Dash is depressed because she messed up and may never get that chance again."

        I sighed. I wasn't particularly upset about Pinkie Pie not believing me. What upset me more was that she was probably right...

Something Amiss (Part 1.B: Confirmation)

        "Rarity," he said to me bitterly.

        My suspicions were confirmed. The only thing that could leave Spike in this kind of mood was some kind of harsh realization like this.

        "Rarity is taken. She's already going out with somepony," he continued.

        "Well...I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like you've completely missed your chance. Maybe it won't work out between them..."

        I hated myself for saying that. After the fiasco with Prince Blueblood, I rather hoped that Rarity would find somepony more tolerable. She deserved somepony better, nicer, more chivalrous. And as much as I hated to say it, she deserved better than Spike.

        At the moment, though, Spike was the issue, and I had to keep his spirits up.

        "Who's the stallion, anyway?" I proceed to ask.

        "No, you don't get it...not stallion...mare."

        The words took a minute to sink in. Something...was definitely wrong. There was no doubt in my mind now, there was something in the water that was doing this. One such instance instance was already extremely unlikely. Two individual such instances meant there was some unseen factor, something which was twisting the likelihood and making the near impossible a reality.

        Indeed, there was no longer any denying: something was was completely amiss.

Decision

        I waited about a week before I decided I needed to take serious action.

        By the end of that week, things had passed unlikely and were already on their way to absurd. "FlutterDash Incident" no longer referred to a single event. They now numbered up to "FlutterDash Incident #6". It wasn't until the 3rd time that they realized I knew. Even then, I decided not to push the matter. Involving myself with a single case could compromise my viewpoint of the entire issue.

        What worried me more was that I might soon find myself acting the same way. Would I have to leave town until it was cleared up, to avoid clouding my thoughts with my involvement?

        My questions were answered uncannily on the 8th day after FlutterDash Incident #1. Pinkie Pie ran up to me appearing to be under severe duress. Until now, I had never known what it looked like when Pinkie was exerting serious self-control.

        "Twilight...you were right..."

        "What?"

        "There's something wrong! Completely wrong! I believe you now, I believe that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy might not have willingly kissed, but that something else caused them to!"

        "How can you be sure?"

        "Because..." she faltered, and her expression was pained, "BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT'S AFFECTING ME, TOO!"

        I was shocked, but yet, not surprised. Unfortunately, my reaction came a moment too soon.

        "Ever since you told me there might be an issue...at first I passed it off, but the idea has been swimming around in my mind and it's taken hold of all my thoughts and feelings, and now...oh, this is all wrong, Twilight, I've developed feelings for you!"

        I stepped back a pace. Now THAT surprised me.

        "Twilight, what I'm about to say to you is actually me speaking, not the feelings speaking for me...I need you to help me. I need you there so you can stop me if I try something I might regret. These feelings...they're not mine. They're stronger than my own. I love parties and pastries and candy and all the simple things in the world that bring ponies joy. But these feelings...they love you. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still the same Pinkie Pie as ever, but that something else is trying to dominate my thoughts and make me have these feelings. And Twilight, I know that if there's a solution, you'll be able to find it, because you're the smartest pony in all of Ponyville, maybe even in all of Equestria! So I have faith in you, I know you'll find the root of the problem!"

        "...Thanks, Pinkie. But I can't help you control yourself. I need to leave Ponyville in order to find the answer-"

        "Then I'll come with!" Pinkie Pie stared me in the eye, seeming to plead for me to hear her out, "I'll join you and help find the root of the problem!"

        I thought it over for a moment, then smiled.

        "Alright! I leave tomorrow at dawn. Bring any supplies you may need, we may be gone for several weeks."

        In my past experience, I had only ever heard Pinkie Pie cheer due to excitement. But at that moment, Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief; then and there I realized that her fear was genuine.

        I needed to help her. I needed to help all of Ponyville.

Prologue

        I was appalled by what I saw. There were no words to describe the twinge I felt when I realized what was going on.

        Rainbow Dash. Doing something very un-Rainbow-Dash-like.

        Kissing another pony.

        Fluttershy.

        I turned away and pretended not to see them.

It's none of my business, I thought to myself, it's not my place to judge, or get involved. It's a personal choice, right? Nothing wrong with it.

        I cringed. Despite my better judgement I turned back and looked again.

        They had finished. Fluttershy was looking slightly tormented. That didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was that Rainbow Dash had the exact same tormented expression.

        Why did it look like neither of them had kissed willingly? As though both were equally disturbed by the moment and had no idea why it happened? Something wasn't right. Indeed something was very, very wrong here.

Something Amiss (Part 1.A Contemplation)

        After about a day I was completely willing to let it all go. I was just seeing things the way I wanted to see them. I began to realize I just couldn't accept that Rainbow Dash might have a different preference. Did that make me a terrible friend? If finding out the truth about a friend makes you like them less, does that mean you were never their friend to begin with?

        No, I didn't like Rainbow Dash less. She would always be my friend. This wouldn't change anything. Or at least, it shouldn't change anything. If it did, I'd be the worst friend ever.

        But then...there was Fluttershy. Was this her preference, too? She's always spent so much time tending to wild animals that such a thought never even occurred to me. But perhaps, then, it had never occurred to her, either. Perhaps her friendship with Rainbow Dash went farther than admiration and gratitude.

        It all added up to Pinkie Pie's conclusion. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

        When I awoke, it was from Spike walking in the front door of the Ponyville library. He seemed dismayed to say the least.

        "What's wrong?" I asked.

        "Nothing...I just want to be alone..."

        I frowned. I'd never seen Spike like this before. In fact, the only thing that could put him in this kind of mood was...

Something Amiss (Part 2: Adieu Ponyville, But it Won't Be Forever...)

        "So you're leaving."

        "You can come, too!"

        "...really? Awesome."

        And that was the only complaint I would hear from Spike on the matter.

        Bright and early, I was up and ready to go. Pinkie Pie was waiting for me outside the library. What surprised me was that she wasn't bouncing or jumping, or even smiling. No, in fact, she was reading a book.

        This was a side of Pinkie I'd never seen before. Was this what Pinkie was like when she had a genuine concern and a motivation towards a serious objective? Was this how Pinkie dealt with bigger problems, the ones that couldn't be fixed with laughter and parties?

        I kind of liked this side of Pinkie better.

        At that moment I began to worry that my thoughts were becoming a tad too fond. Pinkie Pie was counting on me, and if I lost my self control, who would help her with her own?

        The three of us stopped at the edge of Ponyville.

        "So where are we headed?"

        "We're starting with Zecora's place. It's close, and Zecora may have important information on this phenomenon. It wouldn't be the first time she's had crucial details that could help us."

        "Zecora? Leave me out of it. I'll wait outside Everfree," Spike seemed upset, and dead-set on not going anywhere near Zecora's place.

        "Why? What's wrong with-?"

        "I don't want to talk about it. Just go on without me, I'll meet up with you afterward..."

        Dawn was starting to grace the horizon. Our journey had begun.

To Be Continued in Act II: "Star-Crossed Ponies"!