The most serious fic in the world.
Once upon a time, in a not so, well I guess so, far away land called Ponyville, there lived a studious alicorn princess named Twilight Sparkle, who would put up with no shit whatsoever. This know-it-all alicorn was a very privileged pony due to the fact that she was the Princess of Friendship- wait, what? Really? Friendship? Are you kidding me? Ugh, anyways, the Princess of "Friendship" had to call a meeting with her fellow Friendship-keepers: that crazy pink one, that snobby white one (wouldn't you just love to pour grape juice on her?), that hillbilly orange one, that bragging, super fast lesbian one, and that cute yellow pegasus (I mean c'mon, you really can't be mean to her, she's just the nicest thing ever!)
So at this meeting of "Friendship" or whatever, Twilight decided to discuss some "serious" issues. "Alright, everypony. We really need to crack down on all the chaos going on. Why, just last week there was a huge-"
"Cookieattack? Buthowisthatabadthing! Whywouldn'tyouwantacookieattack? Theonlythingbetterthanacookieattackisacupcakeattack!" the one they called Pinkieus Pieicus interrupted without breathing.
"Calm DOWN, darling . . ." the snobby white one said with an eye roll. "Twilight was referring to the giant ant attack, not the cookie attack . . ."
"Oh, but the ants were just hungry, they didn't mean to hurt anypony..." the cute one said, hiding behind her mane in case the leader attacked her with her extensive vocabulary.
The lesbian one with the colourful hair stomped her hoof down. "If those ants wanna go, I'll show them a good time!" Realizing what she said, she blushed. "I-I mean . . . I-I'll show them th-the way out of Ponyville . . ." she stammered.
"Ahnd inta a bigger hole, hey?" the one with the weird hat and even weirder accent said while winking really weirdly at the lesbian one. The lesbian one winked back, then looked away.
Princess Twilight stared at them both with a shocked and confused face. "Ooookay, that was really weird . . . moving on!"
"Oh but Twilight… I am on..." It seemed the lesbian one was not only lesbian but a player too.
Twilight blushed furiously, taking a few seconds to recover from the spontaneous act of lust. "Rainbow, cut it out!" she fumed. "We need to, uh . . ." she paused. "What were we talking about?" she asked, blushing.
"We were tahlking ‘bout holes, sugarcube… big holes, tight holes, wet holes, dry holes. Now which onna these holes do ya think those pesky ants would like?" said the country bumpkin, air quoting ants.
Twilight sighed. "Right, I knew that." She turned to Fluttershy. "Which holes-" she blushed at the word, "would be best for these . . . ants?"
"Oh, giants ants would definitely like dark, wet dripping holes from my experience. They like to stay in there for quite a while. Make sure it's also a bit musky, they like that smell."
Twilight blushed even harder. "Fl-Fluttershy!"
Fluttershy looked at Twilight with an innocent expression. "Wh-what? Y-you asked," she mumbled shyly.
"I'd like myself a dark, wet, musky hole tonight, mmhmm! Wet musk flavored lifesavers are the best!" The cotton candy one grinned.
The other five ponies turned to look at her in unison.
"Wh-wh . . ." Twilight sighed. "Never mind that! Let's just go find this damn hole!" she mumbled.
"I'll show you a hole," the lesbian rainbow-fied one said.
"ENOUGH WITH THE SEXINESS RAINBOW DASH!" Twilight yelled, mortified at the increasing number of innuendos.
"But… I was just trying to tell you that I knew where to find a dark, wet, musky hole… I fly past it all the time..." the perhaps-not-so lesbian one replied. Perhaps.
Twilight sighed and mumbled unintelligible things under her breath. "Alright, just show me the damn hole already!"
Rainbow Dash proceeded to give Twilight a cheshire grin. "Which hole would you like to see Twilight? The dark, wet, dripping hole, or the other dark, wet, dripping hole?"
Twilight sighed, disgruntled. "Whatever!" Twilight got up and stomped in no particular direction, because apparently she REALLY thinks she's a know-it-all and knows exactly where the hole is.
"Why's Twilight so pissed? I mean, it's not MY fault that she made two massive holes in the ground when she was trying to fly..." Rainbow said, confuzzled.
Applejack nodded in agreement. "Ah guess we're diggin' ah bit too deep with these puns . . ."
"Buns? Chocolate buns? Hot cross buns? I love buns!” squealed Pinkie Pie.
“I like your buns,” Rainbow Dash mumbled.
The white one facehooved. "Oh, mother of Celestia, be quiet!" Rarity fumed, then gasped as she looked at herself in a nearby hovering mirror. "A worry line!"
"Oh no Rarity, are you okay?" Fluttershy looked concerned at Rarity. "Don't you worry, a nice spa trip will be just what the doctor ordered. Those cucumbers feel so good, don't they?"
Rarity nodded. "Oh indeed, darling. I just love how they expertly put those warm, moist cucumbers on you . . ." She sighed, delighted. "Don't even get me started on the facials . . ." she chirped. Twilight groaned in frustration in the distance.
"The way that creaminess feels against your face is just so divine, and when it drips into your mouth, oh my! Oh tell me, dear Fluttershy, have you experienced their new golden showers? It is simply smashing!" Rarity moaned.
Fluttershy nodded tentatively. "I-I have, yes . . . It really got me wet," she whispered.
Twilight stomped up to them and growled, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
"Oh Twilight, remember when I went across town and made everything better? And then you had to ruin my fun and change everything back. But you forgot about the spa, and I gave the spa ponies the gift of golden showers! you should have seen the looks on their faces!" Rarity explained.
Twilight stared at the ponies, bewildered. "O-oh . . .," she mumbled. "I thought you meant . . . Nevermind." She blushed.
"Twahlaight, ah think ya needta lai down or somethin, ya don't look ta gud," Applejack advised her, clearing the couch for her.
"Oh yeah Twilight, you should lie down..." Rainbow Dash said, licking her lips discretely.
Twilight hazily laid down, keeping her eye on Rainbow Dash in fear for her life, and exhaled loudly. "Thanks, girls . . ." she mumbled. She felt her eyes start to close and had no energy to stop herself from falling asleep.
"Awww yea! I'm going to fuck her up so badly!" Rainbow Dash chirped, while dancing seductively.
"But… ah thought we were a thang, Rainbaow! Are we not a thang?" Applejack frowned.
Rainbow Dash patted Applejack on her head a few times with her hoof. "Don't worry, girl, I got time for both of you," she said with a wink.
Twilight immediately jerked up, shocked. "I heard that!"
"We're talking about wrestling!" the rainbow-maned one whined.
"Twailaight, did you forget about Raihnbow's wrestling competition? Some Princess of Friendship you are!" Applejack accused.
The other friends nodded in agreement and shot death glares at Twilight, who chuckled sheepishly. "O-oh . . . I . . ." she struggled to find the right words.
Rainbow Dash started to tear up. "I… I… How could you, Twi? I thought we were friennnnnnddss???"
She started to cry a fountain, at which point Pinkie Pie chirped, "Luckily, I have umbrellas stored everywhere! In case of an umbrella emergency! Sometimes, those golden showers are a bit too much, you know?"
Twilight Sparkle shot a menacing look at Pinkie Pie and was about to say something, but was interrupted by a rather homosexual looking pink stallion running through their group.
"HELP!" he yelped and continued running. "They want to DO THINGS to me!"
The ponies looked at him, mystified. Their confused looks soon went away when they heard the loud giggling noise of two mares, saying "Come on, Nicky! Don't you want cupcakes?"
Twilight facehooved and groaned, "Please let that not be some sort of twisted innuendo . . ."
"Cupcakes? Oh how I LOVE cupcakes! In fact, I just baked some mint cupcakes!" Pinkie exclaimed as an oven timer went off. "Nice and hot and soft and dripping with mint icing!"
The two mares licked their lips seductively. "Oh, Nimbus would like this, wouldn't he?" the yellow pegasus mare giggled.
The pink unicorn giggled. "Oh he sure would..."
Twilight facehooved. "Please don't tell me this is one of his fantasi-"
"He could finally conduct his experiment, what do you say Lilly?" the pink unicorn, Melody, asked.
Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes. "Please let this be a scientific experim-"
"Oh, let's do it!" Lilly, the yellow pegasus, grabbed the cupcakes from Pinkie Pie and giggled.
The unicorn teleported away and came back a few seconds later with a greyish-blue pegasus stallion, blindfolded with a sock. "Nimbus… we have a surprise for you!" she giggled, biting her lip.
The yellow pegasus mare jumped up and down excitedly, Pinkie Pie joining in and jumping with her. "Take it off take it off take it off take it off take it off!" the pegasus mare laughed.
"Alright, here it goes!" Melody, the unicorn, took off the blindfold, with Nimbus's face right in the mint cupcakes. He licked his lips as he saw the cupcakes and the other wet lips around him. Melody and Lilly were salivating too, that's why. The three ponies salivated together while the Mane Six watched them.
"I'm a bit turned on right now . . ." Rainbow Dash admitted, Twilight glaring at her. "What? The cupcakes. They make something inside of me flicker. Something childish," Rainbow flipped her lesbian mane while Lilly grabbed a mint cupcake.
Nimbus pushed Twilight off the couch and grabbed Lilly and Melody, lying them down on the couch. "Ok… let's see now, shall we?" He expertly grabbed two mint cupcakes with his hooves while tickling their legs apart with his wings.
Twilight covered her face with her hooves, yelling "NO! Oh, Celestia, don't do this HERE!" she whined, rolling on the ground.
Just then, Discord appeared, flaunting a devious grin. "Hellloooo, my little ponies."
"Oh hello there Discord! Did you bring the cucumbers?" Fluttershy asked sweetly.
"Oh no no no no no, please, not you too..." Twilight looked horrified.
"Now Twilight, whatever do you mean? I'm just having afternoon tea with my very good friend, Fluttershy. Maybe she could show you how to be a good friend. Maybe SHE should be the princess of friendship!" With the snap of his fingers, Discord took away Twilight's wings and gave Fluttershy a horn.
Twilight gasped in horror. "My wings!" She glared at Discord. "Give me them back! And take that horn off of Fluttershy IMMEDIATELY."
Discord rolled his eyes. "Tsk tsk, Twilight, no need to speak to me that way. After all, you're not a princess anymore . . ." Discord grinned wickedly. He turned to Fluttershy and smiled warmly.
"You're quite the horny one, aren't you Flutters?" Rainbow Dash grinned. Fluttershy went red at the comment, and hid behind her mane.
Discord nodded in agreement. "I must say, she's quite the looker," he said with a wink.
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "I can't believe what I'm hearing . . ."
"I think I won't cut up that cucumber for our sandwiches after all..." Discord grinned.
"Oh Celestia, please no, please no. I don't want another sex show in my castle..." Twilight groaned.
"YOUR castle? Twilight, you aren't even a princess anymore! This is Fluttershy's castle. And I was going to say, let's have makeovers, but maybe the former Princess of Friendship has better ways to be friends?" Discord smirked.
Twilight stared at Discord, mortified. "N-no!" she held back her blush.
Discord rolled his eyes casually and smirked. "What? I was just going to suggest that we could play hide-and-go seek," he mused.
Rainbow winked at Twilight. "I'd like to play that with you sometime, Twi."
Twilight groaned in frustration. "Maybe I shouldn't be Princess of Friendship. Maybe I should be Princess of Sexual Innuendos, because apparently that's all friendship is!"
~~~
Meanwhile, Nimbus seemed to be having fun with the other two mares, holding a cupcake to both their lips. The two mares giggled playfully, licking up the excess juices . . . from the cupcake icing, of course.
~~~
Rainbow Dash cocked her head in confusion. "Innuendos? What are you talking about?"
"What in the hay is ahn… ihn-nah-ehn-dah, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.
"Innuendo. A subtle or not-so-subtle implication to sexual activity in an otherwise seemingly innocuous phrase. It's excellent if you have a dirty or weird sense of humor," Spike said informatively while holding up a large blue and yellow book with the title "Urban Dictionary" on it. The Mane Six stared at Spike, puzzled.
"Wh-where did you come from?" Twilight asked in shock.
Spike shrugged. "An egg," he said as he walked off, lugging the incredibly thick, long book with him. A trail of white liquid followed it.
"What in the . . ." Twilight stopped speaking and shook her head in incredulity.
Pinkie Pie sniffed the strange liquid before licking it. "Mmhmm, this tastes awesome!" She licked it all. "Where'd you get this stuff Spike, can I have some more?"
Twilight shuddered. "Pinkie, no!"
"It's the filling of the donut I had for lunch!" he called behind him as he waved his hand dismissively.
"Ooh, I LOVE donuts! They have a hole in the middle! I love holes you know? Lifesavers are yummy too! And bagels. And pretzels. Wow, things with holes in them taste pretty damn good dontcha think Twi?" Pinkie chirped. Twilight opened her mouth to speak but was rudely interrupted by the yellow pegasus pony named Lilly that stuck her flank in Pinkie's muzzle.
"Oh, oh oh! I love pretzels! L-look at my cutie mark! My butt has a pretzel on it!" she snort-laughed.
"I was making pretzels earlier today!" Pinkie exclaimed while shoving her flank into Lilly's face. "I kinda dropped the dough on myself, it's still everywhere on my flank. Mind helping me get it out?"
Lilly nodded in excitement. "Uh, duh, of course I will!" she said while licking her lips.
"No! Stop that!" Twilight hollered.
"What? I was going to help h-"
"I said no!" Twilight cried. "No more sexual things today!"
"Aww . . ." Pinkie and Lilly said in unison while Lilly put away her sanitizing wipe.
~~~
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room...
"So… ihnnahehndahs, hey? That's what we've ben doing all ahlonhg? But how in the hay is hide-an'-seek ahn ihnnahehndah?" Applejack asked Rainbow Dash, confused out of her apple-shaped brain.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Hell if I'd know. I didn't even know we were using innuendos this entire time!" she hummed.
Just then, Discord appeared behind the two lover- *ahem*- the two mares and grinned. "Well, it's about time for . . . CUPCAKES, yes?" He smirked.
Pinkie jumped for joy in the back. "YEEEEESS!! CUPCAKES!!"
"You seem quite excited about this Pinkie Pie, would you like to go first?" Discord grinned.
"Oh yes yes yes yes yes me please oh my celestia I love cupcakes can I go first pleeeeeaaaaase?!?!?" Pinkie exclaimed as she jumped around.
"Whatever you say Pinkie Pie, because that is what a good friend does, and everypony here except Twilight is a good friend." Discord sang. With the click of his claw, Pinkie Pie disappeared. Everypony stopped what they were doing and turned to face the commotion, gasping at the disappearance of Pinkie, forgetting that it was Pinkie Pie and that this kind of thing happened on a regular basis anyway.
"Um… Discord, where are all the cupcakes? And why is everypony looking at me so weirdly?"
Twilight facehooved once again. "Discord, why the hell is Pinkie a cupcake?!" she fumed as she walked over.
Discord smiled innocently. "Me? Why do you blame me?" he said as a halo materialized on top of his head. "I wouldn't do such a thing to a friend."
"I'M A CUPCAKE?? THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE THING!!!" the cupcake squealed with joy.
Twilight groaned in frustration. "Turn her back!"
"Ooh, ooh! I've always wanted to know what kinda cupcake I am! Am I pink? Soft? Hard? Firm? Stiff? Lumpy? Juicy?" Pinkie continued to question the others about her appearance.
Rainbow Dash smirked. "I'll try you if you want," she said to Pinkie. "I'd love to eat you out." Twilight stared at her, mortified.
"What? Twilight, don't you know that I love cupcakes, too? Especially the firm, round, hard ones… and its best when you have at least two..." Rainbow salivated as she started imagining these. She then wiggled her eyebrow creepily at Twilight. "I also like angry purple cupcakes," the lesbian rainbow-maned one said seductively.
Discord chuckled and made it rain angry purple cupcakes with a snap of his claw.
"Yes!" Rainbow said while scarfing down a purple cupcake. The cupcake nagged and screamed in agony as she chew it.
Twilight screamed in horror as she saw the events unfold, her cupcake replicas filling up the room. Rainbow Dash stopped nomming. The Mane Six exchanged glances and Fluttershy mouthed "what the hell is wrong with her?" to Rarity, who shrugged and swirled her hoof around her head as to say "she's crazy!"
"I AM NOT CRAZY, GAHHHH!!! Oh no! That cupcake doesn't have enough frosting!" Twilight screamed as she karate chopped the cupcakes to make them more even, eventually leaving the cupcakes with no icing. She looked around to see where to icing had gone. It had landed on all of the Mane Six and the random ponies who just appeared in Twilight's castle. Seriously though, doesn't she have any guards?
A large amount of purple icing had fallen on Rarity, who started panicking and fell to the ground. Apparently she was allergic to purple food dye. Rarity shrieked in disgust. "My mane! It's in my mane!" she screamed between her death-ridden coughs.
Discord slithered to her side. "I can help you with that, deary," he said with a wink.
Rainbow Dash licked her lips and nodded creepily . . . she really loved how the frosting tasted.
Discord snapped his claw yet again and turned all of the Mane Six, exempt Twilight, into cupcakes.
"DISCORD!!! TURN THEM ALL BACK RIGHT NOW!!" Twilight fired up her horn and launched herself at Discord, but to no avail. Twilight fell to the ground with a thud and whined. "Ow!" she yelped.
Discord chuckled wholeheartedly. "Did you forget I took your wings, my dear Twilight?" he said with a smirk, floating through the air and defying gravity like a motherfucking badass.
“Yeah, but you didn’t take away my magic!” she growled.
"Right," he mumbled. "Oh, would you look at the time . . .," he said as a giant clock appeared out of nowhere. "It's time for my nap!" In an instant, Discord disappeared into thin air.
Twilight got up and rubbed her head. “. . . I still didn’t get my wings back!”
The End
. . . or is it?
