Life With Pie

by Pure Note

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Human
Length: 2455

I woke up one morning a field, skip a few weeks and i'm working for ponies at a bakery ... Oh and did I mention there's is Pie?

After coming home from college I find My old life is not what is was. After my parents eventually pass I find myself in a bit of depression. I wake up the next morning in the middle of god damn nowhere.

Oh, did I mention there's pie?

(Shameless Human X Pinkie Pie)
(May or may not lean toward clop... I've never written it before but if people want I say why the hell not.)

Published 2014-06-02 14:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-02 14:30:05 UTC

Day one

Do you know that one person, you know, the person who is literally the most annoying person on the planet and only other planet for that matter? Ever try living with that person or... Pony.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

I was born in New York, grew up on the poorer side, Parents owned a small time restaurant so naturally I grew up in the respective business. Learned how to cook, manage the restaurant and after years gone by went to college. Culinary arts and business degrees, who would have guessed. After the grind for a proper education I came back to the old restaurant. Boy, was I surprised when the I found the place torn down and replaced with a cheap ass condo. Guess that was my fault not keeping in touch with the folks.

Caught up with them, Dad worked double shifts at some shit job, Mom worked as a receptionist. Unexciting. So, I took up a job at a hotel to help my parents out. Within a few short years even got myself head chef and life was alright my book. Then one day Dad gets sick and months later passes. No one took it harder than Mom, In her grief she soon passed as well.

I’ll tell you this; I was miserable. Only family I had gone, My friends tried comfort me but ended up I ignoring them, I just bottled it all up. I figured it was better that way. Just when I thought it could not get worse, here’s the kicker…. it did.

One day I woke up, cold and damp. My head was buzzing and my ears were ringing. When I finally decided to open my eyes I came to the sight of trees, fucking trees and beneath me grass, In New York? No. unless I got drunk and passed out in a park again, but I wasn't drinking last night, at least I don’t think I was.

So I got up and looked around, everything was spinning and shifting. I managed to crawl to my feet and began to stumble around, the morning sun casting enough light for me to see. I must have been walking for ages. Finally I saw lights in the distance and course corrected towards them. Eventually I found a quiet looking bench and passed the fuck out.

Must’ve been a few hours before I came to. Awoke to something prodding me in the side. First thought: Cop, come to help out the drunk guy passed out on a bench. I sat up slowly rubbing my face to rub the sleep out of it.

“I’m up, I’m up,” I groaned, waving my hand at the thing poking me. “What time is it?” I asked.

“Why, It’s nearly noon, Silly!” I hear a chipper voice call out, A bit too shrill for my liking.

“Noon! Shit, I’m fucking late for wo--” I stopped mid sentence when I finally opened my eyes. I saw a bright pink horse. I do a double take, still there. Lifting my glasses to rub my eyes, sure enough still there.

“Are you okay, mister?” The thing said, turning it’s head to one side.

“Huh, Oh yeah, fine just fine. Oouuhhh” And with that, I fainted.

At this point you might be thinking it was just an alcohol induced dream, believe me, it’s much worse.

I came to again after a short while, my head on a soft cushion. Lovely, I’m in bed, at home. Thank god.

“What is he?” I hear someone say in a mystified voice.

Wut?

“I don’t know, sure is funny lookin’”

“Excuse me?” I say out loud, leaning up to face the voices, those of which are now screaming. I open my eyes but saw only blurry figures, my glasses were gone. I flailed around for a moment till I found them and placed them on my face, where they belong. Before me I saw six multicolored horses. Yellow, Orange, White, Blue, Purple and that Pink one again.

“The fuck? What the hell are you!” I yelled, point a finger at the figures before me.

“What the hell are we? What the hell are you?” The Blue one shouts, raising her voice against mine.

“No, no, no no no! I asked first!”

“Were Ponies you dumbass!” it spoke again, “Now it’s your turn, what are you?

“... A... pony…?”

“Yeah, Duh” Blue deapanned with a face that just screamed ‘what are you, retarded?’

I stared at it in disbelief for several moment before speaking again.

“Bullshit,” I said flatly, “I was probably just drugged last night... yeah, that's it.”

“No, you seem healthy to me,” purple chimed in, adding it’s input.

“Now ya’ gotta answer the question, partner. What are ya?” Orange asked.

That whole ordeal was… three-four weeks ago, since then I've explained my whole situation and race to the purple one which I now know as Twilight. Upon seeing my teeth however, Blue...err, Rainbow Dash, Tackled my ass to the ground before I could even say the word omnivore. The good news I even have a job now. The orange pony Apple Jack offered me one but manual labour ain't my style. Same goes for working with Rarity at her fashion boutique but I wouldn't know fashion if it bit me on the ass. She is however the only place I can get clothing seeing as how she likes the challenge of making clothing for me, needless to say I’m one of her best and favourite customers.

Fluttershy was a no-go, animals aren't my forte… I had a dog once… I miss that dog. Twilight’s Books and magic were too much as well, so with no more options I landed a job with Pinkie Pie. Guess which pony that is.

It’s not a hard job. It’s a bakery, I loved baking as a kid. The job pays rent and then some but I’m starting to think these pony’s diets consist of nothing but sweets. Well… at least Pinkie Pie's does. The pony is wired 24/7, I can’t go five minutes with her violating the laws of physics to appear of out damn well nowhere and scare the hell out of me. The only hard part of the job is dealing with her.

It was a Tuesday where this story really began, Yeah, congrats, That was the prologue. Now shut up and listen to the rest of my story.

“Pinkie, dear. Could you and the new guy watch the store for a few days. The
Mrs. and I have a sudden event that’s come up.”

“I have a name you know” I mumble under my breath.

“Sure thing Mr. Cake! Easy peasy, Lemon squeezy.” The pink party pony says in her trade mark chipper manner, giving a salute for good measure.

“Great, thanks a million, Pinkie. You’re a life saver. We’re nearly packed, I’m just waiting on Ms. Cake.”

“OooOooH! this is great, Isn't it! The whole place to ourselves!” Pinkie borderline screamed, turning to me. “We can stay up late and and watch scary movies and eat all the candy we want!” After she said this her face went from one of joy, to realization, embarrassment, then timidness. Finally must of figured out she is way too excited all the time.

“Yeah, Great, sure beats my plan of writing a grotesque Fan Fiction about a main character who is kind of an asshole, love and a talking animal, But that sound like one hell of a plan” I say in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Oh… I mean if you don’t wanna I can leave you alone…” she says, giving me her saddest face and puppy dog eyes.

“Wha! I was kidding, It sound like fun, yeah.” She always bloody catches my off guard when she act’s all sad… it’s the eyes I tell you… the eyes.

“Yippee!” she squeaks Jumping into the air, nearly punching a hole in the ceiling.

“Calm down, Jesus!”

“Oh!” She says, floating down from the ceiling, “Sorry.” her face now redder than a tomato.

“Whatever,” I mutter before Mr. Cake opens the door, bags in tow. Mainly his wife's bag if I might add.

“Well we’re off now” Mr. Cake says.

“Have a safe trip” I say, Leaning against the counter and giving him a short wave goodbye.

Mrs. Cake gives pinkie a quick peck on the forehead, stifling a cute giggle from the spastic mare. She turns to me and offers a warm smile, which I return in full, before turning and heading out the door, Husband *packmule* in tow.

I check my watch, Nearly 8:00pm, almost closing time. I inwardly fist pump at the idea of a free Sunday… then I remember…

I turn to pinkie who is sweeping up some dirt off the floor, humming a little tune and swaying her hips from side to side. I tear my eyes away and think about a different topic.

It’s not like I have much of a choice when it comes to hanging out with her, shes like, the only pony not scared of me. Which is nice and all but shes totally insane. Besides I've tried just locking myself in my room but I've seen her turn a wooden door between me and her into her bitch. I never knew that ponies could fit under door frames or just seemingly teleport through them all together.

I break away from my thought to see Pinkie walking towards the Open/Closed sign, A sway in each hoofstep, she flips it over now displaying the *Closed* part of the sign to the public. I breath a sigh of relief, I hate working the register. I lift myself off the counter and remove my apron with a simply tug and place it on the appropriate hanger. I look to my right to see Pinkie fumbling around with her apron. looks like she tried to untie it and gave up and began pulling it off.

She is now wrapped in her own apron.

I let out a small chuckle and move to help her. She gasps when I place a hand on her back to stop her flailing. I reach a hand under her to undo the knot but the damn this is stuck. I reach an arm around her to get a better hold on it. As I focus on the knot I can feel her body shudder from the sudden contact but I dismiss it. Finally the knot is off and the apron on the hanger. I turn to Pinks to see a faint blush on her face. I shake my head before I speak.

“So… how about that movie?”

After a heated debate on what movie to watch we decided on ‘Story of the blanks’ Critically acclaimed best film of the year. It’s about some filly who doesn't have their ‘cutie mark’ wandering into some forest haunted by other blanks flanks. It’s actually really good, I suggest you check it out.

Though the first part of the movie I wasn't phased by, but Pinkie… She was horrified, her usual happy go lucky demeanor dissipating as the movie drug on. Somehow in the first 40 minutes of the movie she managed to get underneath my blanket, between my legs… her back against my chest, My chin resting on her head. 25 minutes go on and the movie even gets to me, It’s so unsettling and even has some jump scares. All the while Pinkie snuggles closer to me but I’m to frightened to notice. At one point I even wrapped my arms around her.

Time goes on and the movie finally reaches it’s climax, the filly barely escapes but the writers put in the seed of doubt and uncertainty for the next movie.

“Wow… that was… horrifying” I say, still holding onto Pinkie

“MmmHmm”

“Well, it’s late now”

“MmmHmm”

“I guess we should be heading to bed”

“MmmHmm”

“Pinkie?”

“MmmHmm”

“Pinkie!”

“Huh, what, yeah?” she says, finally coming to.

“Time for bed.”

“Huh? Oh… Yeah…” She says with a disappointed tone but I shrug it off.

She quickly hops off me, I bid her goodnight and retire to my room, I undress into nothing but my Pajama pants and hop under the covers with gusto. I fall asleep for maybe 30 minutes before I’m awoken by a voice.

“Hey, are you awake?”

“Pinkie…? How’d you get into my room…?”

“Door was unlocked…”

“No it wasn't.”

“Yes it was.”

“No it-- nevermind. What do you want?”

“I had a bad dream… could I… Could I sleep with you?”

I almost just say no, but if I do she won’t give up, besides she’s probably giving me her sad eyes… even though I can’t see them It's the thought that counts.

“Fine” I said groggily.

There was no “Yay!” Or “Yippee!” just a quiet and nervous sounding;

“T-thank you…”

She slowly crawled under the covers until she was facing me eye to eye, I could feel her breath on my face and though the bed that she was shaking. Whatever she dreamt was have been pretty scary… she did chose the movie.

We both drift off to sleep moments later but I awake in the night again to her shifting and kicking. I remember my mom telling me not to wake a person *pony* having a nightmare but damn it shes sweating and whimpering in her sleep. So I slowly reach my arms over and gently lift her squirming form over mine, pulling her close, and her putting her head in the nape of my neck. Wrapping one arm around her midsection the other stroking her head. Suddenly I remember a song my mother used to sing me to me. I can’t quite recall the words but I begin to hum the tune.

Sure enough she stops squirming and instead tightly wraps her fore-hooves around me, snuggling closer as she does so. My heart damned near exploded. Out of impulse I shift my head and give her a peck on the cheek and in the moonlight I swear I can make out a faint smile and she nuzzles my cheek in return. Shortly after I finally give into sleep for the last time this evening. With this once spastic mare in my arms.

Oh and she totally smells like cotton candy.

Author's Note

So, I finish this chapter at 5:30 am. Just to deviate from my other stories.

As always, Grammar, Spelling errors, please point them out.
Also tense errors... those are important.

Also I may have been a little meta in this chapter. My bad.

Tired. Sleep now, Check on this later. I hope you enjoy. I know I liked writing this