The Chapter That Involves Darkness Awesome Saving the Day and Ending Up in a Loving Relationship with Princess Luna and Only Contains Several Slightly Farfetched Scenes but is a Very Touching Story of Love, Adventure, and Raw Emotion that Maxes Out Charac
“So, just keep him off his hooves for the next few weeks, and he should be right as rain,” Doctor Awesome counseled the parents of a brash, adventurous young unicorn colt who’d attempted to dive off a balcony in Canterlot. The colt also succeeded, by the way. Not everypony could do as awesome of things as Darkness Awesome did.
“Thank you, Doctor Awesome,” the colt’s mother said seductively. The father, busy staring at a nearby nurse whose bosom was making the most of its Equestrian liberties, didn’t even notice his wife’s generous wink and slight wiggling of her flank in the Doctor’s impassive gaze.
Darkness Awesome, who was world-renowned as a veritable machine of overwhelming attractiveness, was very familiar with homely mares who’d settled with the first stallion they’d found and were now regretting their missed opportunities with him; he respected the fact that he was incredibly attractive, but he didn’t feel it gave him an excuse to be a party to adultery. He had a very high code of morals to uphold.
Now, I know I said I wouldn’t go into Darkness Awesome’s origins in the description, but I just feel it’s necessary to tell you a little bit about how he came to be.
So, when Lauren Faust was creating My Little Pony in its current iteration, she started drawing Princess Luna. She then thought at some length about who her husband should be, then she drew some lame pegasus OC. Firefly or whatever. Darkness Awesome wasn’t having none of this, so he flew in from Scootareader’s story in the future and told Lauren Faust that this was unacceptable. The Good Lady Faust, of course, realized her error and erased this Firefly pony, confessing that she had made quite a grave mistake indeed, and drew Darkness Awesome next to his rightful wife.
The wind then blew through Faust’s window and the paper whisked away on the wind after having a kiss from Faust herself implanted between the two ponies. The paper flew for 3 full years before finally coming to rest in Scootareader’s bedroom, inspiring Scootareader at once to write of Darkness Awesome’s incredible and very much canon adventures.
These are their stories.
Darkness Awesome was just arriving home from his place of employment as a volunteer firefighter, having saved no less than eight kittens from burning buildings and using oxygen masks to resuscitate them, when there was a mysterious knock at the door.
As Darkness Awesome opened the door, a very familiar figure of a filly stood upon his welcome mat. She said to him, “Darkness Awesome Otōsan, me so kawaii desu~”
Darkness Awesome simply told the young filly, “Return to Zytharros’s trilogy from whence you came.” At the crestfallen look on her face, he told the poor dear, “Look, The Bucker, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that this is my story, and while you may be adorable, you’re not exactly badass material. I only want badasses in a story about me. You know what I’m saying, right?”
The Bucker only yelled, “Gomen'nasai!” before wrapping her hooves around Darkness Awesome’s neck in a loving hug. Darkness Awesome, having served for several years in Vietnam and not being able to tell the difference between Japanese and Vietnamese due to his being kinda racist, did this crazy overhead flip on The Bucker and snapped her neck in one fluid motion. Yeah, he’s that badass.
Okay, it’s time to talk about Darkness Awesome’s teenage years.
Darkness Awesome, as you may have well expected, was quite the angsty teenager. He was totally into Nightmare Moon, worshipping her for standing up to the arrogant Celestia for once. He also smoked cigarettes with the cool ponies at school, though he didn’t like to associate with them otherwise, seeing as being popular would make him far less angsty. He couldn’t afford to fit in anywhere, because that totally wouldn’t fit his personality.
He also skateboarded. All the skater ponies were totally jelly of his 540 kickflip ollie backside 720 nosegrind. All at the same time. Yes, I realize that that is three moves and one of them is basically impossible due to the constraints of gravity, seeing as I made it up. Darkness Awesome could still pull it off, seeing as gravity doesn't affect him if he doesn't want it to and he can do any move you tell him to do. Yeah, the skater ponies were jelly indeed.
So much angst did this skateboarding teenage pony have that he got the attention of Marelyn Maneson. Yeah, the stallion. Or is it mare? I'm still not entirely certain. Anyway, Marelyn came to Darkness Awesome's house and said, "You have a lot of angst. You need to just chill out and let life take you where it wishes. You don't need to dress up like me to be yourself."
So, Darkness Awesome punched that faggot/female faggot right in his/her stupid/ugly face for telling him what to do. Nopony does that, not even Marelyn Maneson.
After that, Darkness Awesome became something of a local legend. Everypony said that he was the pony that wasn't afraid to punch other ponies in the face for any reason, though it was typically whenever a pony threatened his incredibly Mary Sue personality to show anything that wasn't a facet of perfection. He couldn't be having that shit in his home town.
Back to what Darkness Awesome was doing in the present of his life. Ironically, he was being given a present. He unwrapped it to reveal a pregnancy test from Luna, his lovely wife. She smiled at him happily, and he smiled back. She stated the obvious. “You’re going to be a father.”
Darkness Awesome nodded solemnly. “I already knew.”
Luna gasped in surprise. “How!?”
“Because we even banged. I’m that potent.”
Let’s rewind for a bit and recap how Darkness Awesome got with his lovely wife.
“THIS IS MY TOWN MOTHERFUCKER!” Darkness Awesome yelled at Nightmare Moon.
Nightmare Moon cried, apologizing profusely. “I’m sorry Lord Awesome, it shan’t happen again!” Then she turned back into Princess Luna.
Darkness Awesome whistled at Princess Luna’s hotness and said, “Damn, girl, you make me feel all monogamous inside.”
Princess Luna blushed, stuttering, “W-we art a virgin.”
Darkness Awesome grinned, saying, “Not for long.”
Then they banged.
MEANWHILE IN DARKNESS AWESOME’S PRESENT
He was yelling at the author for giving such a shitty scene transition.
How was Darkness Awesome conceived? Nopony knows. When he was first found by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s mom, he was bathing himself in lava as a foal. Yeah, he’s immune to fire. What of it?
So immune to fire was he that he once took a dragon breath to the face before jumping down the dragon’s throat and tearing out its stomach to save Princess Celestia. Dumb bitch got herself eaten by a dragon. Good thing Darkness Awesome was there to bail her out again.
Speaking of which, Princess Celestia went to jail once. She was arrested for public indecency after she heard her sister was with Darkness Awesome, her secret foalhood crush. Something about it meaning nothing to her if Darkness Awesome wouldn’t have it.
So, Darkness Awesome was her lawyer for the case. He came before the jury and said, “Honestly, I understand she was waving her stuff around and that’s totally not cool... but can you blame her? I only work with virgins, see, and she ended up giving it to somepony who wasn’t me, and she was understandably distraught. I mean, look at me, then look at her. Wouldn’t you go crazy if you were told you couldn’t have me?”
The jury nodded in understanding of Darkness Awesome’s plight as being totally for rizzle, and Princess Celestia was acquitted of all charges. She thanked Darkness Awesome and offered her body again, but Darkness Awesome found that totally gross and politely declined. He was a total bro and intended to stay faithful to Princess Luna.
Darkness Awesome was playing Mortal Kombat with his new son. His son, whose name was Black Darkness, had chosen Raiden, while Darkness Awesome had chosen Sub Zero.
“You’re going down, old man!” yelled Darkness Awesome.
“You’ll learn respect for your elders,” replied Black Darkness.
The fight began, and Raiden totally lightninged Sub Zero first thing. Sub Zero then punched Raiden IN THE FACE and blew his icy load all over Raiden’s stupid face. When the game said to finish him, Sub Zero froze Raiden in a block of ice and then kicked him IN THE FACE.
The loser, of course, had to drink this nasty mineral water that they bought out of a vending machine. Darkness Awesome laughed as Black Darkness gulped down the nasty concoction. Then he sobered up and said, “Also, you’re not my real son. My real son wouldn’t play someone as gay as Raiden. He would play a real man, like Sub Zero or Scorpion.” Then he slapped Black Darkness IN THE FACE and went to go find that cheating bitch Luna.
After finding Princess Luna, the following scene (but with ponies) happened:
Yeah, pretty riveting stuff. I know.
Then he went off to find Twilight Sparkle, one of his oldest and closest friends. She was, of course, at the ruins of Golden Oaks Library. This story is totally canon, by the way.
Darkness Awesome walked up to the grieving Twilight, asking, “What’s wrong, my nearest and dearest friend?”
She said, “All this knowledge, all this understanding... gone, all thanks to Tirek’s foul hoof. I will never forgive such a monster.”
Darkness Awesome nodded in understanding. “The world of Equestria is a far better place without him.”
Twilight sighed. “If only I had wings to fly into the sky and get away from all of this.” By the way, this is pre-season 3 finale, so she’s not an alicorn yet. Darkness Awesome doesn’t associate with Mary Sue filth. “You’re so lucky, Darkness Awesome, you have the best of both worlds.” She meant both as in unicorns and pegasi, as earth ponies don’t have any special powers. Tirek was sapping earth ponies of their magical potential that they’ll never be able to access because they’re not unicorns or pegasi. Poor earth ponies.
Darkness Awesome nodded sagely. “Yes, I can see that.” Then he smiled at Twilight. “You’re perfect just the way you are, though. You’re probably the best friend I’ve ever had.” He paused briefly, searching himself for the words to explain to Twilight what had just happened. “I... left Luna.”
Twilight’s mouth was agape. “Why? I thought you loved her!”
“Because Black Darkness chose Raiden.”
“Oh, yeah, she cheated on you something fierce.” Twilight pulled Darkness Awesome into a friendly hug. “Well, I’m here as a friend for you. I’ll do... anything.”
Darkness Awesome paused, then looked into Twilight’s eyes. “What are you saying?”
“Well, um...” she paused, her shyness creeping over her. “I’ve, well, I’ve always kinda sorta felt this way about—”
She was interrupted when Darkness Awesome placed his hoof over her mouth. “Say no more.” Then he kissed her, deeply and passionately.
Then they banged.
LATER THAT VERY SAME DAY...
Darkness Awesome voted in The Council of Darkness Awesome that shitty time skips shouldn’t exist. Scootareader deigned to ignore him and continued as he wanted, because whatevs.
LATER THAT VERY SAME 
Discord turned totally evil and shizz and trapped all of the Mane 6 and Princess Celestia and Luna and Cadance and also every pony and magical artifact that may rival him into a giant box. Darkness Awesome totally wasn’t cool with this and socked Discord in the face. Discord apologized and let all the ponies go.
Twilight thanked Darkness Awesome for his amazing feats. “I’m so glad to have you as a husband!”
Fluttershy cheered loudly for Darkness Awesome, something she hadn’t done since she saw Rainbow Dash perform a Sonic Rainboom. “Yeah Darkness Awesome! I’m a virgin, by the way!”
Rarity lent her voice to the crowd of support. “I happen to be a virgin as well.”
Rainbow Dash volunteered her opinion. “I’m also a virgin.”
Applejack added, “Ah also happen t’be a virgin.”
Pinkie Pie said, “I’m not! I had three stallions in me at once!” but nopony wanted that nasty pony anyway. What a disgusting creature she is.
So, Darkness Awesome banged all the virgins. It would be contrite of him not to.
Shortly after Twilight visited Equestria Girls, Darkness Awesome accidentally opened an interdimensional portal and fell there.
He found an Equestria Girls in utter chaos. All the ponies looked vaguely human, there was no Twilight and some other chick in her place, and Luna was fuckin’ ugly. He knew he was needed here desperately.
He marched up to Sunset Shimmer and asked, “What’s going on?”
Sunset Shimmer replied, “This is Equestria Girls. It’s just how we are. Also, I’m a virgin.”
Darkness awesome retorted, “Bend over and spell run.”
About 2 seconds later, Sunset Shimmer wasn’t a virgin anymore.
Shortly after the Equestria Girls adventure, Cadance was trapped in the caves beneath Canterlot Castle, imprisoned by Queen Chrysalis so she wouldn’t get married and the evil changeling queen would. She was dirty and naked and alone, and Darkness Awesome swooped in to save her.
Princess Cadance was crying silently. “Darkness Awesome, will I ever see my fiancé again?”
“Probably not before he gets married to Chrysalis. Sorry to break it to ya.” He thought for a moment. “Well, he probably won’t be faithful to you and bang that crazy chick. Want some early revenge?”
Princess Cadance replied with an enthusiastic, “Hell yeah!” before jumping on Darkness Awesome. Then she stopped. “But, I’ll lose my virginity to you and not him. Won’t that be wrong?”
Darkness Awesome laughed. “He’s not saving himself for you. Why should you do the same?”
Then they banged.
Shortly after that, Twilight saved Cadance and stopped the wedding. Chrysalis was sent back to the Changeling Kingdom, where Darkness Awesome followed her to find out why she’d attacked Canterlot. He found her brooding, dirty and naked and alone, in her bedroom.
He asked her, “Why did you attack Canterlot?”
She replied, “I need a husband. I’m a virgin.”
He smiled encouragingly. “I won’t be your husband, but I’ll totally give you babies.”
Then they banged.
The next day, Darkness Awesome stood trial for banging all kinds of chicks.
Princess Celestia, the presiding judge, said, “Darkness Awesome, you have been accused of sleeping with around a dozen mares now, all of them virgins before you took it from them, and they were unable to refuse you because of your overwhelming sexiness and considerable endowment. What say you in your defense?”
Darkness Awesome laughed. “You just mad cuz you want some too and I ain’t givin’ you any cuz you’s a nasty bitch.” The entire crowd let out a loud “Oooooooh” at this sick burn he laid down on the Princess.
“Fine. You caught me. Acquitted of all charges.” Celestia banged down the gavel, several tears streaming down her cheeks at being so publicly and truthfully humiliated. She knew it was true, but she didn’t think he’d have the guts to pin her in a courtroom.
Darkness Awesome, on the other hoof, knew what a court of law meant. You were supposed to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth up in this biz, and that’s exactly what he did.
Darkness Awesome met King Sombra. Once.
Sombra was trying to bring back the Crystal Empire or something crazy like that before it came back on its own. Darkness Awesome, of course, was asked to stop him. Since he was still dating Luna at this time, he felt his job as boyfriend was to help her out when she needed it.
So, he traveled all the way to the Frozen North to confront the black slave driver. “I know you’re out there, Sombra! Come face me!”
King Sombra materialized out of the darkness in front of Darkness Awesome. “Hello... son.”
Darkness Awesome laughed. “I can’t be your son.”
King Sombra smiled menacingly. “And why not, son?”
“Because you’re gay.”
King Sombra blushed. “I am not!”
Darkness Awesome let out another loud cackle. “Dude, please, you’re so deep in the closet you’re finding Narnia.” The crowd that had assembled let out another “Oooooooh” at this sick burn that he laid down on Sombra.
Sombra blushed an even deeper red. “W-well, I only am if you’re gay too.”
Darkness Awesome, of course, shook his head. “Straight as a compass, buddy.”
King Sombra sighed. “I guess I’m forever alone, then.”
Darkness Awesome rolled his eyes. “If you convert to Christianity and stop that gay shit, you’ll probably lead a healthier and happier life. We all know it’s a choice.”
Rainbow Dash appeared out of the fog. “Not cool.”
“Oh, did I say convert to Christianity? I meant convert to gayness. You know, because you’re so gay.” The crowd lets out a third “Oooooooh” at Darkness Awesome’s next sick burn. He’s just layin’ ‘em on us today. Darkness Awesome then looks at you, the reader. “What, you thought I wasn’t badass and was a bigot instead? Go read the other stories about me. I’m totally open-minded. You’ll see.”
Scootareader very much approved of Darkness Awesome’s promotion of his other stories, thereby guaranteeing him at least two sequels.
Darkness Awesome met Goku in his bathroom once. It went a little something like this.
They really need to get some better DBZ grunting videos on YouTube.
Miley Cyrus had just been singing at some concert when she was younger, before she turned into a whore. Darkness Awesome was off time traveling with the Doctor, as he is known to do, before arriving in her time and finding her, still young and not a whore.
Miley Cyrus, at this point, was kinda hot for an underage girl. Darkness Awesome told her, “Damn, girl, you’re lucky us ponies don’t age like you or else I’d be too old,” then winked suggestively.
Miley Cyrus instantly began lusting for Darkness Awesome’s loins, then said, “I’m a virgin.”
Darkness Awesome replied, “Not for long.”
Then they banged.
After that happened, Miley Cyrus was lying naked on the bed, and Darkness Awesome was getting back into the portal, and she asked, “Will I ever see you again?”
Darkness Awesome replied, “No.”
And the rest, my friends, is history. She’s still never found anyone (or anypony) who can even compare to Darkness Awesome. That’s why she’s in the condition that she’s in today.
On a related note, Darkness Awesome met Lindsey Lohan once.
Author's Note
All right, that's the last one. I'm for rizzle this time. No more Darkness Awesome. It kills too many brain cells.
--Scootareader
P.S. Thanks for following me, those of you who have. I seriously love you guys. 
