Oh Celestia, why...

by TheOnly

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Main 6
Length: 4042

A comedic take on what would actually happen if ponies came to earth

You know, every day I try to be a normal kid. I go to school, do my homework, and hang out with my friends. I've always dreamed of having a pony as a pet. But now my room is filled with these technicolor ponies and I'm just about ready to kill myself. I've read all the damn fics about how awesome it would be to have a pony in real life, but Celestia damnit this sucks balls. Pinkie, what did I tell you about disobeying physics!

Published 2012-04-07 20:34:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-07 20:34:03 UTC

Oh Celestia, why...

Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up. No!

I covered my ears with my pillow as my alarm clock went off. It was Saturday! I wasn't about to get up on a Saturday morning because I forgot to turn off my alarm clock. Instead of the annoying buzz I only heard the words "get up", and all I could do was resist following those orders. I reached a hand out to destroy the worst invention made by humankind, but I couldn't find it. Why did I put my alarm clock that far away? I moaned, it looked like I'd have to get up.

Swinging my legs off the side of the bed, I rubbed my eyes, blinking multiple times to get used to the light. Well, there it was. Same old room, same old posters, same old bed. Every day, waking up and seeing the same thing. I think I died a little on the inside. Maybe, after eighty years, I'll have died so much on the inside that I'd die. Maybe that's how life works, every day you wake up and a little part of you dies, and it just takes ninety or so years to fully kill you.

I dismissed the thoughts, standing up on the cold wood floor and smashing the button atop my alarm clock. I made my way to the bathroom, ready to face the stranger I'd see in the mirror. There I was. An average teenager with his eyes drooping because he'd waken up too early. Yup, that was me. I've never been fond of myself, but the next option was stealing somebody else's face, and that probably wouldn't work out so well. Oh well, I felt an emptiness inside; it was time for breakfast.

Lethargic wasn't even an adequate adjective to describe my descent. By the time I had gotten to the bottom of the steps, I had already forgotten why I'd bothered to come down in the first place. Thankfully, my stomach reminded me. Even though my body wanted to go back under the covers, my brain led me to the kitchen.

Thank God my parents were away for the week, I had planned some craazzyy parties in the coming days. Man, daydreaming at breakfast was so much fun. Cereal. Bowl. Milk. Spoon. Eat. One word commands were all my brain could come up with, which meant today was going to be a walking day.

Yup, I walked. Whenever I felt like doing nothing, I just got out of my house and walked around my neighborhood, because walking is cool. While walking, I felt like a boss, and nobody could take that away from me. Something in the air was different though, I could sense something. That's when I saw it. A cardboard box. Right there. In the alleyway.

Countless fanfics had prepared me for this moment. I walked over to the box, prepared to meet the filly version of Rainbow Dash. I squealed in brony delight, my own little pony. There was definitely something in the box, it was moving slightly. I reached for the flaps that covered what lay inside.

"Holy shi––"

Out of nowhere, a raccoon jumped out of the box and attacked my face. I grabbed the raccoon and slammed it on the floor like one of those wrestler guys, spitting in its direction as it scurried away. My face was red from the scratch marks, and I decided it would be best to go home now.

I took my key out and unlocked the door. Inside the house it was quiet. Too quiet...

Nah, it was just the right amount of quiet. In fact, I heard the sound of the television playing softly in the living room. I didn't remember turning the TV on, but then again I don't remember a lot of things. Walking down the hallway, I yawned as I turned the corner. Time to watch some TV.

"Da fuck is this shit!" Staring at me as I walked into my own living room, six technicolor ponies sat around the television. Twilight had the remote near her, disassembled. I stared back in disbelief. Did I do drugs earlier today? I definitely did some sort of drugs. My eyes darted back and forth between Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack. God damnit, I don't even have any drugs that could cause this! I had no idea what to do, so I just stood there and continued to stare. They continued to stare back. I could see them looking at my hands, fingers were a new concept to them.

"So, um, what are you?" asked Twilight from the ground.

"Whoa whoa whoa, I didn't just randomly show up in your living room, I get to ask the questions. Now, in the simplest manner possible, would any of you please explain why the FUCK you are here?"

"Well, I was trying out a new teleporting spell, and we somehow ended up here." Twilight looked around the room. "Would you mind telling us where 'here' is? And what you are?"

I stared at the ponies, still not believing it was true. Should I let them stay? Should I kick them out? Should I pet Fluttershy? God damnit brain now is not the time.

"This is Earth, you guys are in my house. I'm a human." Never before in my life did I want to pet Fluttershy as much as I did at this very moment. I could feel my arm moving away from my side and drifting toward her before I pulled it back to me.

"A human? I've heard of those." Twilight's brought a hoof to her chin as she tried to remember which book she had read about humans.

"What are those hanging off of your hooves?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"These are fingers," I said, wiggling them around to show their full function. "They help me do just about everything humans can do."

"Well," started Rarity, "We'd hate to be a bother but would you mind if we stayed here a while?"

"Yah, sure, go ahead." All the fanfics pointed toward one thing. Ponies in my house could only lead to awesomeness. I was prepared to experience this awesomeness.

"What's this fancy gadget?" asked Applejack, pointing at the television.

"That's a TV."

"Why's it making funny noises?"

"You're on the radio channel. It's just a title screen with music in the background." I looked at the disassembled remote near Twilight. "If the remote was still intact we could change the channel. It controls the TV."

"Oh," said Twilight sheepishly,"That's what this does?"

"While you guys stay here, try not to cause to much trouble. I'm going to go into my office for a second, I'll be right back." The office was where I kept my computer and other personal things. I didn't have a particular site in mind, but I had to tell somebody about the appearance of these ponies.

I sat in front of my computer, trying to find somebody to tell. I saw that one of my brony friends was on Facebook, so I messaged him.

"Yo dude, you'll never believe this but the ponies from MLP:FiM just showed up at my house!"

I awaited his response. Surely he would freak out and come down to my house immediately. I would be the talk of all the bronies in my school. I heard a ping as I received a message.

"Lol br0, no pic no pr00f."

At that very moment, I heard a loud clang from the kitchen. All I could think about while I walked towards the kitchen was, Why am I friends with someone who substitutes the letter 'o' for a zero? Entering the kitchen, I expected to see Pinkie Pie baking muffins or something. Instead, Rainbow Dash had her head in my fridge.

"Hey, don't you have any daisies, or apples?"

"No, I don't eat plants. I'm pro-earth." I expected a laugh from Rainbow Dash, but all I got was a confused look. Any joke I made they probably wouldn't get, so I just decided I wouldn't tell any.

"Well then, what's all this red, squishy stuff?"

"That's meat."

"What's meat?"

I nearly facepalmed. It was going to be a long day, but the fanfiction doesn't lie and it would be awesome eventually. "It's what you're going to be if you don't get out of my fridge."

Rainbow Dash backed out of my fridge, and flew up to the cabinet where I kept the plates. "Hey, do you mind opening this with your, um, fingers?"

"No, I'm not opening my plate cabi––" There was a crash from the living room. I stormed into the room, greeted by Twilight and my TV. But not my TV standing up nicely on the stand. No. My TV laying on the ground taken apart.

"This device seemed to have magical properties, so I took it apart!" Twilight smiled at me, looking for my approval. If Twilight had been any less adorkable at that moment, I would've torn her to pieces. My TV was in about fifty different parts, strewn across the living room floor. Fluttershy sat on the couch. As much as I wanted to pet her, I had to deal with Twilight first.

"Twilight, why don't you go read um..." I looked for a book, preferably a long one. Thank God I had a dictionary lying around. "Read this!" I handed her the dictionary. She examined it carefully before turning to the first page. I went to see what Fluttershy was up to.

"Done!" I turned to see that Twilight had just finished the dictionary, front to back.

"What the...how did you read it so fast?" At that moment I remembered from the show that Twilight could read volumes of books in seconds. Now I had just let her read the dictionary, and she probably remembered every...last....word.

"I used my magic to read it. Quite interesting if I do say so myself."

Maybe she didn't remember any of the words. I gave a nervous smile. "That's great, why don't you, um, follow me."

"An esoteric stipulation, but I shall not equivocate, illustrate the route."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu–– I heard a scream from upstairs. What now? I ran up the steps and into my room, forgetting that I had told Twilight to follow me. Inside my small bedroom, I saw Rarity staring in horror at my closet.

"Oh my, this clothes, it's all so...atrocious!" She used her magic to show me a red sweater that was hanging in there. It was true, I had no sense in style.

Looking at my room, I began to feel my fist clench. All my clothes had been strewn across the room, and Rarity was using them to try and create some kind of a dress. My clothes floated around the room as Rarity made two piles, one for fashionable clothes and another for the ugly. Nothing went in the fashionable pile. Lucky for Rarity, I don't hit ladies.

"Rarity, stop touching all my clothes."

"But darling, this is a crime against fashion! I must fix this." She began to examine the clothes, trying to find a way she could alter the human clothes with her pony fashion sense.

"Please excuse her," said Twilight, "She's quite fastidious when it comes to the ostentatious qualities of dress."

I was just about ready to strangle both of them. "Rarity, why don't you and Twilight clean the bathroom."

"What's a bathroom?"

Now I facepalmed. Figuring that it would be better to just show them the bathroom than try and explain, I lead them down the hallway and into the bathroom. I was planning to clean the bathroom later anyway, and making the ponies do it would just ease the work load. There was a bucket with all the tools necessary on the counter that I planned to use, but instead I just told Twilight and Rarity what each tool did and to get to work.

Pleased to see that I finally got the ponies out of my hair and doing something useful, I went back downstairs to tell somebody intelligent what was going on. Hopefully some of the internet bronies would believe me.

Upon arriving in my office, I saw Applejack staring at my computer screen. Technology seemed to baffle her. She was staring at my desktop, looking at the multiple folders.

When I walked in, she was talking to herself saying, "What's this envelope? P-O-R––"

"No don't look at that!" I yelled, pushing her out of the seat before she could do anything else. Applejack pulled herself of the floor as I renamed the folder, "Folder".

"What's this thing do?" she asked.

"It's a computer, it does a lot of things."

"What's that? R-U-L-E––"

"That's nothing!" I quickly put that folder inside another one, titled "Folder". The internet was something that Applejack wasn't ready for, so I refrained from opening it. Instead, I pulled up minesweeper, one of the most boring games possible. It would surely scare Applejack away.

Unluckily for me, the exact opposite happened. Applejack thought the object of the game was to find the mines and click on them, and instead of mines she thought they were apples.

"Wow, an apple hunting game? Can I try?" As much as I didn't want to give her access to my laptop, her hooves probably wouldn't let her maneuver the mouse well enough to do anything, so there wasn't any harm. I got out of my chair and allowed her to play applesweeper. Three down, three to go. I decided to go find Pinkie, I hadn't seen her anywhere since they all appeared here.

I walked into my kitchen, but soon I regretted that decision. Rainbow Dash was standing on the kitchen table, eating food off a plate. Not any food. Meat.

"Rainbow Dash what are you doing?!"

"This red stuff, it's delicious! I don't know why I've never had it before." She took another bite out of the piece of steak. That steak was supposed to be my dinner, and I had left it out to be cooked for hours. Now Rainbow Dash was eating raw steak. Nothing could get worse.

"Do you have any more of this stuff?" she looked up from the steak, which was half gone.

"No, and you can't have anymore!" I walked over to grab the steak from her plate, but Rainbow Dash simply took to the sky, floating against my roof while carrying the steak. She then proceeded to eat the last bits of the meat. I was about to go ham on her, but from inside the fridge I heard noises.

I opened the refrigerator door slowly, only to find Pinkie Pie inside, eating all my food. She put one piece of food after another into her mouth, not bothering to chew, and swallowed.

"Pinkie! What are you doing?"

She allowed herself to swallow an entire watermelon before responding. "Having lunch!"

"Get out of my fridge!"

She stepped out of the fridge, taking a package of cheese with her as a souvenir. Then, she ate all the cheese at once.

"Pinkie, you can't do that."

"Do what?"

"Defy the laws of physics."

"What's physics?" If I had a weapon of some sort, I'd probably ask her to beat me senseless and wake me up when it was over and they were gone.

"Physics means you can't do anything that isn't logical. Like you can't eat entire watermelons without chewing, or defy gravity, or break through walls by running."

"Ohhhh. You mean like this?" Without warning, Pinkie just started to float upwards towards the roof like a balloon. I stared in disbelief as every law of nature that I knew was just shit on by Pinkie Pie. She didn't stop at the roof either, she blasted through the roof, creating a Pinkie-shaped hole. What was really intriguing was that she was only going about two miles per hour.

There was a scream from upstairs. I ran to see what had happened, and not to my surprise Twilight and Rarity had made a mess in the bathroom. There was water flooding out of the bathtub and the sink was turned on. The toilet had a plunger in it, but it was making a continuous flushing noise while water poured out. The window was broken, and all of the the towels I had were floating in the bathtub water.

"I did not galvanize these raucous conditions!" yelled Twilight. I looked around to see that Rarity was using my toothbrush to comb her mane. Using my revolutionary fingers, I turned off the bathwater and the sink, pulled the plunger out of the toilet and actually removed the towel that was in it, and still managed to refrain from punching anything. I stared the two ponies down as the water drained out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

"Come with me." I took them down to the living room. That was it, they were all going to sit quietly in the living room for the rest of the day. Rarity brought my toothbrush with her, continuing to comb her mane with it.

"This device is simply divine for all purposes!" she exclaimed. It's okay, I can always get a new toothbrush.

We entered the living room, where Fluttershy remained on the couch. She was the only one who hadn't done anything. Pinkie Pie was still floating off somewhere, Rainbow Dash was attacking all the meat I had, and Applejack was....

I went to the office to check what Applejack was doing.

"Y'all humans sure have a lot of fun when you wrestle!" she exclaimed when I walked in. My eyes shattered. She was watching porn on my laptop. I've just scarred her for life, and she doesn't even know it. I ran for the computer, slamming it shut. I quickly ushered Applejack out of the room, who complained that she wanted to finish the video.

After ripping Rainbow Dash away from her meat, I brought all the ponies into the living room where my disassembled TV laid in the center.

"Okay, everybod-, er, everypony stay put. I'm going to get some of my friends to come help me watch you all." I walked over to the office to contact my friends. I was in the room for all of twenty seconds when I heard a knock on the door. My eyes widened, remembering that I had ponies in my house. As I passed by them in the living room, I brought a finger to my lips, signaling that they all shut up.

I brushed off my clothes and slicked back my hair behind the door, and then opened it gracefully. Outside stood two police officers, both looking quite bored.

"We got some complaints of a lot of yelling coming from this house, and then something flying through the roof. Care to explain?"

I could feel sweat forming all over my body and my hands became clammy. Think of an excuse. Cmon brain you're good at this, you do this all the time at school. Think! I stared the officer straight in the eye and said, "I'm having a contest with my brother to see who can act the angriest, and he won when he took our toaster and smashed it through the roof." After having said it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. Nice one brain, I would've been better off saying the ponies did it. I didn't even have a brother.

"Are your parents home?"

"No."

The officers stared at me for a long while, and I couldn't blame them. I wasn't even sure if toasters could even break through roofs. The officers gave me a pat on the back and a buisness card. I thanked them as they walked down my driveway, back into the patrol car. I turned from the door and wiped the sweat off my forehead. The card that they had given me had a phone number and a name on it. It was for a therapist. They think I'm mentally insane.

It didn't matter, they were gone and that was all that mattered. I turned back to the living room. Kill me now.

Applejack was chasing Rarity, yelling, "I want to try out a new wrestling move on you!" while Rarity ran away, trying to use my toothbrush to fend off Applejack. Twilight was trying to explain to Rainbow Dash why ponies shouldn't eat meat, but was using vocabulary much too advanced for Rainbow to understand. Instead, Rainbow Dash was taking things off my table and gnawing at them, trying to see if they were meat. Fluttershy continued to sit on the couch, looking out the window at the trees in my front yard.

Pinkie Pie was still nowhere to be found, but I assumed she would just appear in my living room at some point. I knew that any effort was going to be futile, so I didn't even try to bring order to the scene. Instead, I watched in horror as Rainbow Dash flew around the room, tearing up my curtains and other possessions. Rarity was using my toothbrush to clean the living room, but was using toothpaste. So instead of cleaning, she was just providing dental care to my floor and windows.

Applejack was chasing Twilight now, trying to get Twilight to participate in her "uncouth" wrestling games. Applejack shouted out the names of multiple sexual positions, but thought that they were wrestling moves. I was on the verge of just leaving my house and never coming back again, but then somebody else knocked at the door. I swear if that's the cops again...

I opened the door, revealing the only person, or pony, that I wanted to see. It was Princess Celestia. THANK GOD she's here to take the ponies back! She cleared her throat.

"Hello human," she said, "I am sorry to inform you, but have come for the ponies. I need to take them back to Equestria. I know this may be hard for you but–"

"Take them!"

"What?"

"Take them away, take them back to Equestria!"

"Well that's odd, the last time I was here on Earth retrieving a pony it was a lot more emotional. There were tears and–"

"Yes, yes, that's all good now take them back!"

"Why are you so eager to rid yourself of them?"

Hearing the voice of Princess Celestia, all the ponies had come to the door now. They stood by my feet and looked up at the princess.

"Well," I began, "Twilight is walking dictionary, Rarity has an odd affinity for toothbrushes, Rainbow Dash is a carnivore, Pinkie Pie is just, well, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack is obsessed with human pornography."

Princess Celestia eyed me skeptically. Half the things I had just said sounded crazy in my own mind.

"Well. We'll be going now. Come my little ponies." Celestia walked away from my house, and the ponies followed.

"Wait!"

Celestia turned her head.

"Before you go, I have just one request." I leaned close and whispered into the princess's ear. She nodded. I called Fluttershy over. Finally, after waiting all day, I would have the opportunity to pet Fluttershy. It wasn't anything creepy, her mane was just so flowing and fluffy, and she was so goddamn adorable. I just had to pet her.

I reached for her head slowly, preparing to stroke her mane. Finally, after all this time, I ran my hand through her mane, petting her.

"God damnit Fluttershy why does your mane feel like tree leaves!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day.....

Celestia had taken off with the ponies and went back to Equestria. I spent the next couple hours cleaning up the messes in my house. The flooded bathroom and hall, the kitchen covered in pieces of meat, my room covered in clothing, and my living room with the TV all over the floor. It took a long while and a lot of hard work, but I was able to do it. The sun was setting when I was finally able to sit down on my couch and relax.

CRASH!

Pinkie Pie came straight through the roof, crashing into my living room and destroying my TV.

"GOD DAMNIT PINKIE PIE!"