Chapters Buck Norris Visits Ponyville
Twilight woke up to the sound of Spike knocking on her door. It was one of the few times the little dragon had gotten up before her. She rolled over and looked at him, levitating a hairbrush to start straitening her mane.
"Twilight, something weird is going on. I went to go meet with Rarity but I cant get to her house. Everypony is acting nuts out there!"
"Spike, I'm sure it's not all that bad. It's probably just some sort of Ponyville holiday or something." She set down her brush and hopped out of bed, walking over to her window. What she saw wals a bit of a shock. Everypony in town was running around like they were getting ready for a storm. She saw that several construction ponies were running around putting large steel plates on all the houses. It looked like she had suddenly woken up in the future.
"Ok, so maybe something weird is going on. Come on, Spike. Let's go see what's going on." She levitated the small dragon onto her back, making him drop the small ruby he had been about to take a bite out of.
After a few minutes, the pair were having a hard time finding out what was going on. Everypony they tried to ask just ran past them. Twilight was getting frustrated, but Spike was enjoying just hanging out. When he spotted afew young colts hanging around near Sugarcube Corner, he walked over to them.
"Hey guys. What's up with everypony today?"
The first of the two laughed and spoke up. "Haven't you heard? Everyone says Buck Norris is comming to town."
"Buck Norris? Who's that?" Spike had heard a few people mention the name today, but hadn't realized it was important.
The pair laughed and the second colt spoke up. "You don't know who Buck Norris is? Everypony knows who he is! He's the single toughest pony in the world."
"Really? What makes him so tough?"
The pair laughed and stamped their hooves on the ground. The first colt poke up, "Well, I heard that he can beat Ironwill in a wrestling match."
The other spoke up, even louder. "I heard that he once beat Applejack in a hoof wrestling contest with just his mustache!"
The pair started to chatter back and forth, each making up a more insane story than the other. Spike wandered off, rubbing his head in confusion. How could anyone believe half the things the two had come up with? He started looking for Twilight.
When he found her, she was in the library, looking for a book. "Hey, Twilight. What are you looking for?"
"I'm looking for a book about this Buck Norris guy everypony is going on about. I know I've read that name somewhere before, but I just can't remember where... Ah, here we are. Wow."
She pulled out a large book that was nearly as tall as she was. The tittle on the cover said Buck Norris Facts Vol 1.
"Volume 1?" Spike asked, trying to climb on top of the large book. "How many volumes does this thing have, anyway?"
Twilight opened the cover, knocking Spike off the book by accident. "Looks like this is volume 1 out of 6. How can anypony have done enough to have this much written about him? What the?"
________________________________________
There is very little known about Buck Norris for sure. These are just a few of the "Facts" known about him:
Buck Norris once kicked Princess Celestia in the face. She still sends him Thank You notes.
Pegasus ponies can walk on clouds. Buck Norris can swim through land.
Buck Norris is so tough, he once Bucked an Ursa Major over a mountain.
When Ponies do the wave, Buck Norris surfs it.
Buck Norris once made love to a lizard. We know its descendants as dragons.
Discord used to be a handsome dragon, then he tried to cast a spell on Buck Norris. It ran away in fear & hit Discord instead.
Buck Norris doesn't borrow books from the library. They follow him home.
Prince Blueblood holds doors open for Buck Norris.
Buck Norris once sneezed while visiting Cloudsdale. It took them 3 weeks to fly it back.
Buck Norris doesn't fall through clouds. They know better.
Buck Norris doesn't use magic. He just stares at the universe until it gives him what he wants.
Buck Norris didn't earn his Cutie mark. He beat it out of himself.
Buck Norris is the only pony who can leave a hand print.
Buck Norris knocked Derpy's eyes strait. Then back again.
Buck Norris beat the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 5000 in a cider making contest because apples juice themselves when Buck Norris walks past.
One year, the Running of the Leaves was canceled because Buck Norris went for a jog.
Buck Norris once rolled a 20 on a 6 sided die.
Celestia once held the sunrise back 3 hours because Buck Norris wanted to sleep in.
Celestia didn't banish Luna to the moon. Buck Norris roundhouse bucked her up there.
Rarity has been known to use Buck Norris's Sweat instead of jewels on her dresses.
Buck Norris is the only pony Chuck Norris can't ride.
Buck Norris once met a guy named Chuck and kicked his ass.
Buck Norris once tripped while running. The resulting hole is known as Ghastly Gorge.
Buck Norris can stop a Pinkie Pie party, he just doesn't want to.
Buck Norris once Roundhouse Bucked an Earth pony house. By the time it hit the ground, the inhabitants had evolved wings.
Ponies once walked on 2 legs. Now they walk on 4 to show submission to Buck Norris.
Buck Norris can do a Sonic Rainboom without moving.
Buck Norris can make an earth pony pop a wing boner.
Buck Norris can squeeze Apple juice from a Pineapple.
Buck Norris doesn't fly; the ground runs away.
When Buck Norris throws a party, it doesn't land for days.
Apple Bucking season was named after Buck Norris.
Buck Norris can beat Fluttershy in a staring contest.
Buck Norris is so manly even Fluttershy flirts with him.
Buck Norris once beat the Wonderbolts in a talent competition without showing up.
Buck Norris once dated a cow. 9 months later she gave birth to a fully grown minotaur.
After refusing a date, Celestia tried to banish Buck Norris to the moon. It ran away in fear.
Buck Norris is to tough he can win a hoof wresting match with his mustache.
Buck Norris doesn't go gem hunting. He makes them with his bare hooves.
Once Buck Norris was offered to join the Wonderbolts. He said they weren't fast enough to keep up with him.
Buck Norris has more horsepower in his left hoof than the rest of Equestria Combined.
Buck Norris can't hit rock bottom. It runs away too fast.
Buck Norris once won a breath holding contest against a balloon.
Buck Norris can split wood with his bare hooves.
Buck Norris once sneezed and blew up a mountain. Today, we know this event as the invention of Fus-Ro-Dah.
Buck Norris's lungs are so powerful a single burp can split the ocean.
Buck Norris has spread more blood and gore that 100 Great Pony Wars.
All of Vinyl Scratch's songs are set to Buck Norris's Heart Beat.
Buck Norris's hat is so awesome that it has it's own black belt.
The sun goes down when Buck Norris takes a nap.
Buck Norris can go sky diving without a plane or parachute.
Buck Norris doesn't walk, he moves the earth with his legs.
Buck Norris eats a bowl a diamonds for breakfast every morning. Without milk.
Buck Norris can surf the internet... Literally.
When typing words like awesome, manly, and powerful, auto correct suggests Buck Norris.
Never say impossible. Buck Norris can do anything.
Buck Norris is allowed to proceed without caution.
Monsters check under their beds for Buck Norris.
When Buck Norris trims his mane, he donates the trimmings to Celestia's guards to use as armor.
Buck Norris doesn't use an umbrella, the rain just gets out the way.
Buck Norris doesn't walk into the sunset, it keeps getting out of the way.
Waldo has been hiding from Buck Norris for years. Buck finds it so funny he writes books about it.
Nightmare Moon wasn't banished to the Moon. She heard Buck Norris was coming and ran for her life.
Buck Norris can beat the daylights out of the sun.
Buck Norris can Check Mate without making a move.
Buck Norris once messed a pony up so bad he asked Discord for beauty tips.
Buck Norris can knock some sense into Pinkie Pie.
Buck Norris can sleep comfortably on a lava bed.
Every time Buck Norris go to the gym, his personal trainer, Iron Will, learns something new.
Buck Norris once wrote a survival guide book. It was never published because the editors didn't want ponies thinking lava was safe to eat.
This entire list is the top 10 facts about Buck Norris.
Give Buck Norris a lump of coal and he'll give you back a diamond necklace. With gold trimmings.
When Buck Norris kills time, it's 1 second at a time, so he can go to the funerals when he's bored.
Buck Norris can set fire to a rainy day.
Insulting Buck Norris counts as a suicide note.
Buck Norris doesn't walk into bars. They bend out of the way.
Buck Norris doesn't cook his food. It bursts into flame after quaking in fear so intensely.
The tooth fairy collects teeth to replace the ones Buck Norris has knocked out of ponies.
________________________________________
Spike climbed onto her back, looking at the first page. After scanning it, he fell off Twilight's back, clutching his sides in laughter. "This has got to be a joke! Who wrote this anyway? The guy's a genius!"
Twilight, scowling, turned back to the cover. "A compilation of stories gathered from all over Equestria by Bromine Quiltip." She gasped, "This guy is the foremost authority on Equestrian natural wonders. Why would he write something so obviously fake?"
"Maybe he wanted to try his hand at comedy for once. Who'd have thought anypony who spends his time looking at weird rocks would have a sense of humor?"
"Spike, that's just like reading a book by it's cover. We already went over that, so don't start again. But still..." She skimmed through the book again. "This stuff just seems ridiculous. I mean, look at this one: Pegasus ponies can walk on clouds, but Buck Norris can swim through Land. Who would ever believe something so ridiculous? And there are 6 volumes of this!?" She tossed the book aside, so disappointed in it that she didn't even use her magic.
Spike, on the other hand, struggled to right the book and then opened it. He started reading the book, chuckling at some, and outright laughing at others. "This is hilarious. Listen to this: Buck Norris once kicked Princess Celestia in the face. She still sends him Thank You notes." He fell over, hugging his sides as he laughed his tail off. Twilight, on the other hand just sighed.
"That's exactly what I'm talking about. Who in their right mind would ever kick the princess?"
"It's just a joke, Twi. This Buck Norris guy just has a reputation for being tough and this guy took advantage of it to make a funny book. Don't take it too seriously. Here's one you might find funny: Discord used to be a handsome dragon, then he tried to cast a spell on Buck Norris. It ran away in fear & hit Discord instead."
Twilight looked confused for a second, then chuckled. "OK, OK, message received. Don't be so serious. Any other funny ones?"
Spike skimmed through the pages, finally finding one that Twilight would probably find funny. "Buck Norris doesn't borrow books from the library. They follow him home."
Twilight laughed and moved over to Spike, reading through the long list of strange "Facts" with him. there were a few that were a bit hard for her to find funny, and others that made the pair of them laugh out loud. As they read, she was surprised to see that a few even had her friends in them. One of them made them both roll on the floor for nearly a whole minute: Buck Norris can knock some sense into Pinkie Pie.
After a few hours had passed, they realized that somepony had been banging on their door for a full minute. From the sound of it, it was Pinkie. Twilight opened the door and was knocked over by a pink blur that ran up the stairs and cowered under her bed. She shook her head to get the dizziness out of it, then walked up to her room.
"Pinkie, what are you doing?" She asked as she tugged the fluffy pink tail, pulling her pink pony friend out from under the bed.
Spike came up the stairs, still chuckling about the book. "Maybe she's scared Buck Norris is gonna come by and knock her head strait."
Pinkie instantly jumped to her feet, her hair standing strait up. "Is he here! Hide me!" she cried as she again took of in a pink blur, this time closing herself in the closet, somehow managing to shove her hoof under the door to lock herself in. Twilight had long ago given up trying to figure out how pinkie managed such feats.
"Pinkie, what are you doing?"
Pinkie's head popped out of the keyhole, looking distressed. "Haven't you heard!? Buck Norris is coming!"
"Pinkie, don't tell me you actually take the stuff in that book seriously?"
"What book?"
"Yeah, should have expected that. Then why are you hiding from Buck Norris?" And why the hay does it seem impossible to just say Buck when saying that name? she thought to herself.
"Are you kidding! If I see him I'll have to throw him a welcome to Ponyville party."
Twilight and Spike glanced at each other in confusion.
"But, Pinkie," Spike said, tilting his head. "You love throwing parties for everypony."
"Yeah, but the last time hit one of my parties, it didn't land for three days!" Pinkie pulled her head back through the keyhole and they heard her continue through the door. "But if I don't see him, then I won't have to throw him a party. Then he can't can't break my house again."
"Huh, so that's why she lives at Sugercude Corner. Always wondered what was up with that." Spike said, scratching his head.
"Spike, I seriously doubt that Buck Norris destroyed Pinkie's house. Let's go see Applejack; maybe she'll know more about this stallion."
"Sounds good to me."
Spike hopped onto the purple unicorn's back and they headed out the door.
Buck Norris Visits Ponyville
Coconut on the apple tree
Spike and Twilight arrived at Sweet Apple Acres an hour later, having had to fight their way through throngs of excited ponies. Twilight had bee forced to eventually teleport the 2 of them there by magic. He mane was a mess and Spike had several spines out of place.
Twilight was surprised not to see Applejack and Big Macintosh out in the fields. She and Spike had to search most of the farm until they found the pair inside the barn. Big Mac was smashing his hooves against a large rock that had somehow been set up in the barn. Applejack was there too, a towel slung over her back, blowing rhythmically on a whistle. She stopped when she saw the pair walk in. "Take 5, Big Mac. I gotta jaw at Twi for a while."
She walked over and hurriedly pulled Twilight out of the barn, Spike falling off her back and shaking his head before rushing after them.
"Thank goodness yall showed up. Big Mac has been making me help him out all mornin'."
"What's he working out so hard for?"
Applejack sighed and grabbed an apple from a cart near by, taking a big bite before answering. "Well, yall heard 'bout Buck Norris commin' to town, right?"
Spike groaned, "How could we not? Everypony is going crazy back home. you can't take a step without somepony making a Buck Norris joke or something."
"Spike, one thing you're gonna need to learn is that NOPONY makes a joke out of Buck Norris. They'd regret it for years if they did." Applejack looked completely serious. "Just because everything ya hear sounds weird doesn't mean it ain't true. Buck Norris is the strongest and toughest pony Equestria has ever seen. Every time he comes over, he and Big Mac get into some sorta tussle. Now, yall know how tough Big Mac is, right?"
Spike and Twilight both nodded, remembering how they had seen the red stallion tow a house behind him like it weighed nothing at all.
"Well, Buck always beats him. At EVERYTHING."
The pair both felt their jaws drop. How could anypony be so strong that they could beat Big Mac?
Twilight asked,"Why does Big Mac always challenge Buck Norris if he knows he's gonna loose?"
"It's just a family feud a' sorts. Up until Big Mac was born, Buck was the strongest pony in the family, an' Mac is determined to beat him one day."
Spike jumped over onto Applejack's back. "Buck Norris is part of the Apple family? How's he related to you guys?"
"Well, that's sorta complicated." Applejack bucked the small dragon off her back, tossing him into a bale of hay. "Ya see, nopony in the family is exactly sure how Buck is related to us, but everypony is sure he is. Granny Smith says she knew him when she was young, and they just all called him Cousin Buck.'
"Wait, wait," Spike popped his head out of the hay and stared at Applejack. "Granny Smith knew him when she was young? How old is this guy?"
"I'm not really sure, Spike, but he don't look nowhere near as old as he should. I've actually seen pictures of him when Granny Smith was young, an' he don't look a day older."
"Wow, he doesn't really seem like the typical Apple family member," Twilight said, looking at one of the picture on the wall. It showed a fit looking stallion with a tough looking mustache and black cowboy hat. The mark on his flank seemed to be a fist that was on fire. She couldn't tell the color of his coat because the picture was in black and white.
"Wow. This Buck Norris guy must be... well, ancient. How can he be tougher than Big Mac when he's so old?" Spike asked.
Twilight smacked him with her tail. "Spike, don't be rude."
"No, he's right, Twi. Cousin Buck has been around as long as anypony can figure. Granny smith says she use ta hear about him from her granny."
"Sounds more like a coconut than an apple."
"Sounds about right ta me. Yall have any idea when he's s'posed ta get here?"
"I think I heard Cherrilee say he's going to be here sometime this afternoon," Twilight said, magicing Spike back up onto her back. "Well, I guess we'll leave you to... whatever it was you were doing."
"Alright, Yall come back now."
As they walked away, Spike leaned down to Twilight. "Hey, Twilight, do you think this Buck Norris guy is seriously as old as Applejack says he is?"
"I'm no sure , Spike. There are definitely Ponies out there that live for a long time. The princesses are a great example. But I've never heard of a regular earth pony living that long. Either there's something odd about this guy or it's some sort o huge hoax the Apple family is playing."
"I doubt Applejack would do that. She's a terrible lier.'
"Well, she's not the element o honesty for nothing. anyway, we'll see how true all this is when this Buck Norris guy actually gets here. Where do you think we should-" She was suddenly cut off as a rainbow colored blur zoomed crashed into them.
When Twilight got up, she shook her head and looked around fr Spike. He had ended up with Rainbow Dash on top of him. She gave the pegasus a bump to knock her off the dragon.
"Dash, what are you doing?"
Dash stood up, laughing and shaking some grass out of her hair. "Sorry, guys. I'm kinda late for an All Hooves on Deck emergency call in Cloudsdale."
"What's the emergency?" Twilight asked.
Spike hopped up, pushing her mane into her eyes. "Let me guess! Let me guess! It's about Buck Norris, right?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"Lucky guess."
Twilight threw her head back and knocked the small dragon onto her back. "We've been hearing about this pony all day. What's the story with him and Cloudsdale?"
"I'll tell you later, right now I gotta get movin'. Later guys!" With another rainbow colored blur, she was of.
"Well, I guess now we're gonna go to Cloudsdale?"
"Yes," Twilight replied, looking determined. "This Buck Norris guy seems to warrant some further research."
"Oh, great."
Buck Norris Visits Ponyville
Twilight and Spike hopped off the chariot and onto the puffy soft Cloudsdale street.
"Thanks for the lift, Dash. It would have taken us forever to get here with a normal chariot." Twilight levitated the harness off her friend.
"Yeah, I know. Thanks for offering to help out with the preparations too. It'll go a lot faster with your magic helping out."
Spike hopped off his seat and landed face first in the cloudy street. Pulling his face up, a patch of clouds covered his face in the shape of a pirate hat and eye patch. Shaking his head, the clouds disappeared and he followed after the two mares. "So what exactly is it we're helping to prepare for anyway?"
"Whenever Buck Norris visits Ponyville, he always stops by Cloudsdale too. He works the ice crusher that makes all our cold weather stuff like snow and hail."
"But wouldn't that mean he has to come here every year?" Spike asked, hopping up to bounce on a small patch of cloud before landing on Rainbow Dash's back.
"Spike's right. we've been in Ponyville for a while now and we've never seen Buck Norris before."
"Nah. You don't get how tough this pony is! Buck Norris comes by only once every 10 years. He gives the crusher one of his roundhouse bucks and the thing spins until the next time he shows up. I'll show it to ya once we're done getting everything squared away."
"Yeah, we got a bit side tracked. You were telling us what we're doing here."
"Oh yeah. Well, we've got a few fast flying ponies, myself included of course, working to get all the pepper out of Cloudsdale. About 40 years ago, Buck Norris was having a sandwich in the cafeteria and someone put too much pepper on it. After he sneezed, it took 3 weeks for everypony to fly it back into place. So we're working to make sure there isn't a repeat performance."
"How's Twilight supposed to help out with that?"
"She isn't. She's gonna help out with tethering Cloudsdale in place, just in case we miss some pepper. You have a spell for making things invisible right?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of course. That's level 2 magic I could do in my sleep. What do you need me to magic?"
"We're tying Cloudsdale in place with some specially made ropes. There's about 3 dozen of them all over the place, and they kinda cramp our style a bit. So you're gonna make 'em disappear so the place still looks good."
"Alright, where do we start?"
"Well, I've gotta get to my carting job, but I've got you a guide set up."
"Who is it," Spike asked as he slid down a wing Dash extended for him. He managed to get 3 steps before he was suddenly crashed into by a grey blur.
"Give you one guess."
"Sorry, Spike," Derpy said as she sat up and giggled.
"Derpy? You got Derpy to show us around? She'll wreck half of Cloudsdale! Uh, no offense, Depry," Spike apologized quickly.
"None taken," Derpy giggled, climbing to her hooves and helping the small dragon up.
"Hey, Derpy may be a bit accident prone, but she's got a great sense of direction, and she knows where everything is. Guess being the mail mare helps out with that." Dash gave the grey pegasus a rump bump.
"Well, lead the way, Derpy. I've got some magic to whip up."
"Well, you girls have fun with that. I'm gonna... uh... go help stack the pepper on the carts. Bye!" Spike quickly disappeared, running off down the street. "Phew, that's a relief. I don't wanna be getting flattened by Derpy all day. Hmm, wonder if they've got anything to eat around here."
He set off to see if he could find somewhere to eat. Though he had been to Cloudsdale a few times, he had never eaten here before. H went around a corner and headed for a large building, hoping to ask somepony where he could grab a bite to eat. Once inside, he was surprised to see it was a small library.
Wandering around for a bit, he found the librarian, a young filly with a deep yellow coat and purple mane. Her cutie mark was a book with a feather bookmark. She was barely any taller than Spike, and he was glad to meet someone closer to his height. He walked over to her.
She looked up and smiled at her. "Hi. you looking for a book?"
"Actually I was looking for some lunch, but I don't know where anything is in Cloudsdale."
"Well, sorry little guy, but there's only books here. The nearest place to eat is a few blocks from here."
"Oh, OK. Thanks." Spike turned and was about to head out the door before he stopped and looked back. "Actually, there is a book I'd like to check out. Buck Norris Facts Vol. 2."
"Oh, I know that one. I was just about to read it myself. It's right over here." She lead him over to where a large book lay on a desk. "If you don't mind, we can read it together. I've heard these are actually really funny if you read them with somepony. Oh, and my name's Chapter. What's yours?"
"I'm Spike. I'm actually from Ponyville."
"Spike? The baby dragon that defeated King Sombra?"
Spike blushed and scratched at his head. "Well, yeah, I guess. It really wasn't all me. How do you know about that anyway?"
"I work in a library, Spike. So I know all about the newest history books. You got your own chapter in The Elements of Harmony in Our Time."
"Whoa, that's pretty cool. Does it talk about Twilight and my other friends and how they beat Nightmare Moon and Discord?"
"Yup. Those are chapters 1-12. And the next 10 are about the royal wedding and Queen Chrysalis. But you get chapter 25 all to yourself."
"Sweet."
"Yup. I'll show it to you later if you want. Right now, I wanna read this Buck Norris book. I wasn't old enough to remember the last time he was here, and I was hoping to learn more about him."
"Sounds good to me." Spike hopped onto a chair and settled himself down next to the young pegasus librarian.
Buck Norris Visits Ponyville
After my last publication, Many ponies have come forth with their own "facts" about Buck Norris. After many hours of reading, researching, and dismissal of letters, I have put together this second edition, with plans for many more.
If at first you don't succeed... you're not Buck Norris.
Buck Norris once ate a bottle of sleeping pills... they made him blink.
Buck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.
Buck Norris' only friends are himself and his hooves. Nobody else is worthy.
Buck Norris can watch a 24 hour video. TWICE.
Buck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Buck Norris didn't win the game, the game LOST to Buck Norris!
If a tree falls and Buck Norris is there can it make a sound? Only if he allows it.
Buck Norris invented the notorious arrow to the knee joke because he owned Cupid at his own game and since then has never let it die.
When the police pull over Buck Norris he lets them off with a warning.
When Buck Norris walks into a room you suffocate, because air is afraid of Buck Norris.
Using mathematical equations and a revised edition of the Theory of Relativity, Scientists have discovered it is physically impossible for Buck Norris to have had a biological father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
A rattle snake once bit Buck Norris, after three days of pain and agony...the rattle snake died.
Buck Norris once won a rock battle against DJ Pon3. He just kept saying "Buck Norris" in a rap-like fashion. The crowds' heads exploded from amazement.
Buck Norris made it on the the honor-role just by enrolling in high school the first day.
Daring Doo became an archaeologist to try and find the secret of Buck Norris's origins.
Buck Norris can turn the light off and be in bed asleep before the room gets dark.
Buck Norris can ski up a mountainside.
Buck Norris once had a staring contest with the stained glass windows in Canterlot castle. And won. Twice.
Ninjas can punch through solid steel, but Buck Norris can punch through solid diamond.
Buck Norris can fight with his ears.
Buck Norris is the only pony to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
Buck Norris can slam dunk without jumping.
Buck Norris won his high school science fair. His project was the Crystal Empire, which he made at the last minute out of the gravel in his driveway.
Buck Norris made the Crystal Heart out of a huge rock he found at Rarity's house.
When Buck Norris was in Manehatten little league, he bunted a home run that broke a window in Canterlot.
If Buck Norris throws a ball into the sky, it won't come down to earth for another 104 years.
Buck Norris can do a downward uppercut.
There was once only 23 letters in the alphabet. One day, Buck Norris added T, K, and O, so he could better describe his victims.
Buck Norris buys his Mare Scout cookies from Canterlot Palace guards.
Buck Norris's hat was made in a black hole.
Buck Norris can freeze lava with a lit match.
Buck Norris can eat water.
Buck Norris can cut a saw with a wood board.
Buck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint out of fear.
Buck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his hay steaks.
Buck Norris didn't evolve from anything, he just simply appeared one night.
Buck Norris doesn't swim, he pushes the ocean out of his way.
Freddy Kreugar has nightmares of Buck Norris.
Slendermane had a face before he met Buck Norris.
Buck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Buck Norris can make a hard-boiled egg in ice water.
Buck Norris scares fear
Buck Norris visits volcanoes for a hot tub bath every now and then.
Buck Norris won a guitar battle with a Cello. Octavia hasn't let it out of her sight since.
When Buck Norris says “Say hello to my little friend” – his mustache attacks!
Buck Norris can smash an air guitar.
Buck Norris can get a touchdown in baseball.
In the beginning, there were Raspberries. Then Buck Norris round-house bucked the bush and now there are Black and Blue berries too.
Buck Norris can inflate a balloon by inhaling!!!
Buck Norris can roundhouse kick the white off of rice.
Buck Norris can chew sand and spit out colored marbles.
Buck Norris can speak braille letters.
When Rainbow Dash said "I'm the fastest pony ever," she received a letter that the post office had been holding for 80 years. It said "No you're not." and the signature was a fist.
After king Sombra made a Buck Norris joke, he had to hide the entire empire to avoid the repercussions. It didn't work.
Buck Norris broke the sound barrier whilst head banging.
Buck Norris can spit fire under water.
When you get a headache, that's Buck Norris punching your Great, Great, Great, Great, Granddad.
Buck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.
When Buck Norris goes bungy-jumping, he doesn't use a rope, he just crawls out of the hole in the ground!
Buck Norris can listen to songs in sign language.
Equestria's only line of defense for an asteroid is Buck Norris with a sling shot. Problem solved.
Buck Norris can turn the sun off and on by clapping.
Buck Norris finished the Never Ending Story.
Pinkie Pie can break the forth wall because she is distantly related to Buck Norris.
Buck Norris is the only known pony who can can cut a diamond with his abs.
The facts in this book are Buck Norris' smallest achievements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.
Buck Norris's favorite drink is diamond juice, which he squeezes out of raw diamonds with his bare hooves.
Spike and Chapter were having a giggling fit in the library. The second volume of Buck Norris facts was as funny as the last one, and had both of them cracking up. By the time they had finished it, they were both rolling on the floor in fits of giggles.
A shadow fell across the two of them, making them choke down their laughter. Spike was surprised to see Twilight standing above them. He had to fight down the last few giggles before he could speak.
"Hey, Twilight. You done with the magic already?"
"Yes, it took a while longer than I expected, but every rope in Cloudsdale is now invisible. Are you and your friend done playing? I'm getting a bit hungry."
Spike felt his stomach rumble, remembering how hungry he had been earlier. He had totally forgotten about it when he and Chapter started reading the Buck Norris book.
"Yeah, I'm hungry too. Can I get some gems this time? I'm getting tired of daisies and grass."
"I thought you'd say that." Twilight pulled a small bag out of her saddlebag. "Rainbow Dash gave me these for you. Apparently some of the rainbow making equipment makes gems a a by-product. I have no idea how they taste, but i'm betting they're like nothing you've ever tried before."
"Sweet. Gimme gimme gimme!" He jumped up and grabbed at the bag. Pulling out a small yellow stone, he popped it in his mouth. Instantly his lips puckered and his scales went a stark yellow as the most sour taste ever hit his taste buds. After a moment he went back to his normal purple hue and stared at the bag. "Wow, that's sour. I didn't know gems came in sour."
"Well according to Pinkie, each color of the rainbow has a different flavor. I guess the gems are the same way. Well, we should get going. I just got a massage from Mayor Mare. She want me to help get the town ready for when Buck Norris gets there."
"Alright. Bye Chapter!" The small dragon waved over his shoulder as he ran out after the purple unicorn.
Buck Norris Visits Ponyville
Twilight stepped up to the podium, a checklist floating along side her. "Okay, Everypony, final check. Snacks?"
"Check." yelled out Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Pumpkin and Pound were behind them, playing with a ball.
Twilight checked off the box next to a piece of cake. "Decorations?"
"Check." Rarity said, centering at a small vase of flowers with her magic.
Another box marked off. "Reinforcements?"
"Check." Said several construction ponies who had just got done adding some metal sheets to most of the buildings.
"Reinforcement camouflage?"
Pinkie Pie popped out of a barrel holding a paintbrush. "Check!"
Twilight checked off the box, not bothering to wonder how Pinkie had manged to paint all the houses in the time she had looked away.
"OK, looks like everything is in order," Twilight said, setting her checklist into her saddlebag. "Now we just need Buck Norris to show up. Does anypony know when that's going to be?"
Everypony started murmuring among themselves. There seemed to be no idea when Buck Norris would get there.
Suddenly there was a shout from down the street. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were running down the road, yelling out as loud as they could. "He's coming! He's coming!"
They ran through the crowd and stopped right in front of Twilight and the mayor. Applebloom spoke up first, "Cousin Buck is almost here! We saw 'im headed this way!"
Everypony instantly started running around, clearing the middle of the road. It looked like a parade was about to be held, ending right in front of Sugar Cube corner. Everypony was standing around, trying to get a good view without standing too far in the road.
Twilight and Spike were standing right next to Sugarcube Corner with her friends. They were all chattering excitedly, but Rarity was the one who was most excited.
"Just imagine! Buck Norris, the strongest, most dashing stallion in all of Equestria! Oh, I feel faint just thinking about it."
"Yeah yeah, we all know how you wanna get a night with Buck. But get in line," Rainbow Dash said, bumping her rump against her friend.
"I hope he notices me this time. I keep trying to talk to him, but he's just so..." Fluttershy trailed off, blushing hard.
"Well, that's one Buck Norris fact proven true," Spike whispered to Twilight, who swatted him in the back of the head with her tail.
There was a rumbling sound like thunder, slowly getting louder and louder. A large cloud of dust was seen rising up over the Ponyville buildings, getting larger as the noise grew. When the noise was starting to get deafening, the dust cloud erupted into the street, running down the cleared road.
The sound cut out when the dust cloud washed across Twilight and her friends, making all of them cough as it dissipated. Everypony looked on as a carriage sat in the open space. The door opened and several ponies fell out, looking frazzled from the ride. One mare even leaped up and ran into the crowd shouting about a mad pony.
"I guess some ponies just can't take a little speed," said a deep voice that made Twilight's legs tremble.
All eyes turned to look at the rust-red pony who had been pulling the carriage.He had a red-orange mane and mustache, a black cowboy hat, and black hooves. The mark on his flank was a clenched fist with flames burning on it. But what really caught Twilight's attention was the powerful build and blue eyes that held her gaze like a magnet. She instantly understood why every mare in Ponyville had been excited about this stallion showing up.
"So, where's that little Apple cousin of mine?" Buck Norris said, looking out across the crowd.
"Over here, cousin Buck!" Applejack cried, waving at him from behind Rarity. She shoved her way through, heading over to where Applebloom and her friends had ended up. The little filly was pulled along by her big sister, ending up right in front of Buck Norris. "This here is Applebloom. She wasn't around last time you wandered into our neck of the woods."
"Well howdy, Applebloom. I've heard a thing or two about you and your friends being in some sort of club?"
Applebloom looked a bit sheepish, and her voice shook a bit while speaking. "Y-yeah. Mah friends and I are all workin' to get our cutie marks."
Scootaloo and Sweetiebell rushed to their friend's side. "Yeah, we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Um... Mr. Buck Norris, sir."
He chuckled, rubbing his hoof over Applebloom's mane. "Well, that sounds great. It's always good to have friends when looking for that thing that makes you special. And you can just call me Buck, Crusaders."
The three fillies giggled and scampered off, bouncing ideas about how they should try being cutie mark crusader cheer leaders. Buck chuckled and turned back to Applejack and her friends. The orange mare gave Twilight a slight shove to get her to step forward. "And this here is Twilight, who ah'm sure you've heard a thing or two about."
"Ah, so this is the famous mare who i keep hearing about." Twilight blushed when she heard him say that. "Well, glad to meet you, little lady. The princesses just wouldn't shut up about you when I was in Canterlot last week."
"Really?" Twilight was surprised. She expected the princesses to talk about her, but not that much.
"Eeyup. They really seem to have high hopes for you. And from what I've heard, you're living up to them."
Twilight blushed. "Um.. thanks." She hadn't expected Buck Norris to be so nice. from all the strange facts she had read about him, she had expected some sort of muscle head like Roid Rage.
Buck raised an eyebrow at her, then asked Applejack, "There something wrong with her? Luna told me that it's hard to get her to shut up."
Half the crowd chuckled, and a few murmured that he was right. Twilight and her friends glared at them before she answered. "Sorry, it;s just, you not exactly what I expected. I um... read some things..."
Buck laughed, and the sound of s deep voice ran through her and made her legs weak again. No wonder nopony could resist him; that voice was just so... manly.
"You shouldn't pay too much attention to those books. not everything in them is true." Behind him, the carriage suddenly lost its wheels a crashed into pile a of kindling.
"Um... right. Well, welcome to Ponyville. I don't suppose you'd need a place to stay or anything?" Twilight offered before she realized what she was saying.
"No, I've got a place set up back at Sweet Apple Acres. Though i'm sure i'll be kept pretty busy around here, so I wouldn't count on finding me there too often." He gave a glance around the dwindling crowd, a few mares smiling and winking at him. Twilight guessed she knew what would be keeping him busy.
"Well, I better get that mess cleared up. Don't want nopony gettin' hurt." He wandered over tot he pile of wood that had been the carriage.
"This is gonna be good," Applejack said excitedly. "Twi, get ready to see one of the reasons Cousin Buck has so many rumors flyin around about him."
The tough looking red pony walked up to the pile of wood. After looking it over for a moment, he suddenly swung around, spinning in a small circle before slamming a hoof against it. The pile of wooden scraps flew into the air, then landed, piece by piece, until the entire carriage was whole again. Twilight's jaw was hanging open at the sight.
Author's Note
OK, I realize there are parts of this that just scream "Make me a clopfic" but I'm telling you all now that I am NOT going to do one. I have yet to o a clopfic, and honestly I don't think I'm going to for a long time, though I probably will eventually. But, if anybrony wants to make one, go ahead. Just make sure that you let me know so I can check it out.
Oh, and if anybrony wants to make some Buck Norris pics, I'd love to see them.
