Left Brain, Right Brain

by MrPengu1n

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 4150

Twilight can't figure out what to do. She needs some expert advice. So she asks the smartest pony she knows: herself.

Twilight has a problem and can't figure out what to do. She needs some expert advice, but she's the only expert around.
wAiT a SeCoNd

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-04 20:38:41 UTC

The Split

Twilight paced the floor. Her hooves clattered rhythmically as she walked this way and that. Spike sat on a couch, munching on a bowl of popcorn and watching intensely. Twilight's hooves struck the same exact places with every step, and she was slowly but surely wearing a deep rut into the wooden floor. It was actually very entertaining to watch.

But when Spike's popcorn bowl ran dry for the third time, he hopped out of his seat, stepped in front of the pacing Twilight and planted his claws firmly on her front legs. "Okay, okay! I give," he said, grinding Twilight's pace to a halt. "What's on your mind?"

Twilight looked down at Spike for several moments. Then she blinked as if she was just now registering that she wasn't pacing anymore. "Oh, what?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. they felt like they hadn't blinked all day. (Which they hadn't; Spike had been watching).

"I said," Spike said, giving Twilight's legs a shake, "What's on your mind?"

Twilight looked at Spike again and drew in a long, slow breath through her nose. She held it for a moment, and then let it out slowly, like a balloon deflating. Twilight started slumping to the floor as she exhaled, looking more like a deflating balloon. Soon, she was sprawled out on the floor, the last of her breath puttering through her lips.

Spike looked at her, "Um... okay?"

Twilight's hooves flew to her head, and she let out a long groan, "I just can't figure out what to do!"

Spike sat down on the floor next to her, "What about?"

Twilight looked up at him and stuck out her tongue, "Thbbbph." she said, giving him a raspberry.

"Is that so?" Spike asked flatly.

Twilight rolled over, letting out another groan, "Uuueeeuueeueueueueueueueeeeeehhhhh hh."

Spike grew quickly tired of Twilight's groaning. "Well, what's so complicated about it?" he asked, clamping his claws over his ears.

Twilight threw her hooves in the air in defeat, saying, "My brain won't decide! It's telling me to do two different things, but I can't do both!" She whipped her hooves around and whined loudly, "They're mUtuAllY exclUsIIIvvve!"

"Two different things..." Spike repeated to himself. He hopped up to his feet and walked over to the couch. He knelt down and pulled something out from under it. "This magazine says that when you're brain can't decide, it's because your Left brain and your Right brain aren't agreeing," he said, flipping to the article and showing it to Twilight.

Twilight took the magazine and skimmed the article, creatively titled, "I CAN'T DECIDE: The Secret War Between your Left Brain and your Right Brain."

She flipped through the pages and looked at the front cover, recoiling in disgust, "This is a tabloid! Spike!"

"I just read it for the articles!" Spike objected, snatching the magazine back, "Besides, this article says Equestria is gonna be flooded within the next year, so I've been stocking up on ice cream! You should be proud of me!"

Twilight put her hooves over her eyes and let out another groan, rolling back over and flailing her limbs indecisively.

Spike rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen, stopping at the portal to the kitchen and saying, "I'm getting some more ice cream, do you want any?"

"hh hhhh"

Spike rolled his eyes and left the room.

Twilight flopped to once side, her eyes looking at nothing in particular and her snout scrunching up as she muttered to herself, "Left brain and Right brain..."

Spike walked back into the main room some time later, with a rather large bowl of ice cream. This time, the room was littered with large pieces of paper, covered in various schematics and sketches. Several books lay strewn about, opened haphazardly, and several more floated around Twilight's head as she scribbled notes frantically on another scrap.

"Twilight...?" Spike asked carefully, stunned by the suddenness of her change.

Twilight turned around with a big smile on her face, "You were right, Spike! My Left brain and Right brain are in disagreement! That's the key to my problem!"

"Glad I could help?" Spike said carefully, dodging books zipping this way and that and protecting his ice cream.

"You sure did, Spike!" Twilight said, dashing over and giving him a nuzzle, "Because now I know what to do!" she said triumphantly, returning to her books.

Spike carefully stepped closer, "and that is...?"

Twilight turned around eagerly, "I'm gonna split my brain apart and ask me what's wrong!"

"Wat," Spike asked.

Twilight gasped suddenly and all the books orbiting her workspace dropped, "I found it! The spell I was looking for!" Her face was beaming as she powered up her horn.

"Uh Twilight, maybe we should think about this first-"

Spike was cut off as a bright flash of light filled the room, and Twilight's body was engulfed in a magical sphere. The sphere rose off the ground as winds whipped around it, scattering her papers. Suddenly, the sphere elongated, turning more into an ellipsoid. It widened more and more until the middle of the ellipsoid caved in, and two equally sized spheres split off.

And with a high pitched magical Shhhinggg! the spheres dissolved, leaving behind two exact copies of Twilight.

"Uhh, Twilight?" Spike asked.

Two identical heads turned towards Spike.

Chills ran up Spike's back as he was reminded of every scary movie with clones in it he had ever seen. "W-w-what just happened??"

"I believe I can answer that," said one of the Twilight's, magically floating over her reading glasses and tying her hair up. "I successfully split my neurological functions into two distinct entities; the left hemisphere of my brain occupies one, and my right hemisphere is in the other. I can now communicate effectively and efficiently about my dilemma, with myself."

Spike looked at the Twilight clone, confusion painted over his face.

The other Twilight stepped in, kneeling down next to Spike and rubbing his head, "Can't you see he doesn't understand?" she said to the other Twilight.

She shrugged, "Nothing I said was false."

The other Twilight rolled her eyes and smiled at Spike, "It's just like you said, Spike!" she explained, "My Left brain and Right brain were at war, so I split them apart!"

"Ohh," Spike said, nodding slowly. The other Twilight rolled her eyes. "Ssoo, you're...?" Spike said, pointing at her.

"I am the Left Brain," Twilight said, "I am logical, precise, efficient."

"And no fun," the other Twilight added.

"And you're...?" Spike asked, pointing at the other.

"I'm the Right Brain!" Twilight said, "I'm emotional, spontaneous, creative!"

"And an idiot," the Left brain added.

Right brain stuck her tongue out at her.

Spike put his claws on his head. Now it was his turn to groan, "I never understand anything you do, Twilight," he said, "Neither of you."

"It's okay, Spike!" Right said, giving Spike a big hug, "I'm still Twilight! Just half of her. The friendly half!"

"And I'm the smart half," said Left.

Spike pushed away from Right, "Alright, whatever," he conceded, "So long as you figure out your problem and stop groaning about it, I'm okay with that."

Right smiled, "Okay, Spike. Yeah, I'll...figure out...my problem..." she looked slowly at Left, and they realized something at the same time.

Right dashed for the door, but Left got there first, blocking her exit. Right pushed at her, "Let me go!" she demanded, "Let me through!"

"We split ourselves to talk!" Left argued, not letting her pass, "Not dash out on a whim!"

"But I need to go!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"What are you talking about??" Spike yelled, confused out of his mind.

Left and Right looked at Spike, then at each other, then back to Spike and said in unison, "When you're older."

Spike threw his hands up and walked out of the room backwards, shaking his head in disapproval of whatever craziness Twilight was up to. He walked out of the room, stepping back in to grab his ice cream, and then walking back out.

The Twilight's turned back to each other and continued struggling at the door.

The Schism

Spike jumped down the stairs to find Left brain and Right brain sitting quietly in the living room, in silence. Right brain was drawing a picture on the floor, while Left brain was on the couch, reading a book.

Spike stopped walking, conscious of the silence he was breaking. "Uh...Twilight?"

Left and Right looked up at him. "What's up, Spike?" Right asked.

Spike hesitated, still creeped out by having two Twilight's around. "Uh, it's real quiet down here."

Left nodded, returning to her book, "So it is. Very observant of you, Spike."

Spike stood there awkwardly, sensing not all was as it seemed. "...Soo, did you figure out your problem?"

"Why don't you ask Left brain?" Right brain suggested, angrily continuing her drawing (which Spike could now see was a picture of Princess Celestia in a compromising position). "She knows everything," Right espoused sardonically.

"Why don't you ask Right brain, Spike?" Left retorted, setting down her book, "You'll understand her better; she's simple."

Right jumped to her hooves, her shoulders bunched up and her muzzle scrunched up, "Spike, why don't you ask Left brain why she's being a tOtal JErkFAce!"

Left slammed her book down, "Spike, why don't you ask Right brain why she's being a complete idiot!"

"Alright!" Spike yelled, clamping his claws over his ears, "Would both of you just shut up?"

Begrudgingly, Left and Right settled back down, ignoring each other and giving each other dirty looks.

Spike sighed, "Twilight, why don't you just reverse the spell? You can figure out your problem some other way!" He begged, "Plus, we have things we actually have to do today," he said, pulling out a thick checklist scroll and waving it around.

"We can't join back together, Spike," Left brain explained, "Not until we're in agreement on our issue."

"That's how the spell works," Right nodded, the two finally agreeing on something.

Spike tossed his claws out in a shrug, "So, what? You're just gonna stay like this until you can agree with yourself?"

Left and Right brain nodded in unison.

Spike sighed loudly, "Then you two can get to work on this list!" he said, tossing the scroll to Right brain. "I'm going back upstairs to eat more ice cream." and he hopped back up the stairs.

Right brain unrolled the scroll, skimming over the long list of items. She whistled, "You've certainly got a lot of stuff to do today."

Left brain hopped off the couch, snatching the scroll with her magic, "You mean, we do," she corrected, ripping the scroll in half at the middle, "Here, you take half the items, and I'll take the other half. That way, we can be done sooner."

Right brain took her half of the scroll and rolled it back up, "We'll work twice as hard so we can be done in half the time!" she cheered.

"We're already going to be done in half the time," Left corrected, "Since there's two of us. If we both work twice as hard, then we'll be done in a fourth of the time."

Right looked at her with a weary, half lidded gaze. She stuck her tongue out and said, "Thbbpht," and skipped to the door, opening it with her magic.

Left slammed it back shut, "And I trust," she said threateningly, "That you won't do anything about our little problem while I'm away from you, correct?"

Right rolled her eyes with a giggle, "Wouldn't you have already guessed if I was planning anything like that, Mrs. Know-It-All?" and she spun on her hoof, opened the door, and walked out.

Left brain let out a skeptical sigh and followed her.

Right skipped merrily down the pathway, rolling up her half of the list and tucking it away. She passed Pinkie Pie, who was picking flowers for something that only Pinkie Pie could understand. "Hello, Pinkie Pie!" she called out warmly as she passed.

Pinkie Pie waved back enthusiastically, "Hello, Twilight!"

Left brain stepped down the path, walking in a straight line, with an air of sophistication about her. She passed Pinkie Pie, and called out objectively, "Hello, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie Pie waved back enthusiastically, "Hello, Twilight!"

She went back to picking flowers.

Then stopped and looked over her shoulder where Twilight had gone.

Then turned back, shrugged, and continued picking flowers.

Right brain skipped merrily through town, enjoying the sun on her skin, the singing of the birds, and the beautiful colors of the plants she passed. She could already smell the bakery from this distance, and it made her crave a nice warm pastry, with sugary glaze. Her mouth started watering at the thought of it!

It was great to be Right brain; the world was so beautiful!

She quickly scanned over her list, hoping to find an item that would provide an excuse to visit the Cake's Cake Shop. Sadly, she didn't find anything. Dejected, but not depressed, she picked another item at random, feeling her stomach start to rumble.

The item she chose brought her to Rarity's boutique, tantalizingly close to the Cake shop. She could smell the freshly backed goods, see them steaming on the cheery pink windowsill, but she turned her nose away, trying to focus on her list of chores. She was determined to finish before Left brain, who would have held it over her head if she got sidetracked.

But it smelled so good...

Right brain shrugged, "What the hay!" and hopped to the bakery.

One indulgence later, Right was licking vanilla frosting from her lips as she walked through the doors of Rarity's boutique. She heard the pretty tinkling of the little golden bell above the door, and saw Rarity struggling with a rather large piece of fabric that she had tangled herself up in.

Spontaneously, Right brain hopped over and helped Rarity untangle herself from the fabric. She tossed the cloth aside with a heave, and fell into Right, panting. "Thank you, Twilight," she thanked, "I was just trying to toss out this horridly colored fabric, and it attacked me!"

Right brain was empathetic of Rarity's struggle, and gave her a big hug, "It's okay! You're out now, right?" She asked cheerfully. Then she used her magic to levitate the fabric over into a bin colorfully labeled, "Horrid Fabric".

Rarity watched the fabric haphazardly float into the bin and nodded smugly, "Thank you, dear!" she gushed, squeezing Right brain.

Right brain smiled, "That's what friends are for!" She unfurled her list and searched for the item she had chosen at random. "I'm here to...help you with your new dress!"

Rarity fell away from Right, "Oh, thank you again, Twilight!" she repeated, "The order is due to be shipped tomorrow! And I really must model it on a flesh-and-blood pony, rather than these static things," she explained, gesturing airily to a set of smooth, shiny mannequins.

"No problem, Rarity!" Right said, hopping up on a central stand in the room, "I'm here to help!"

Rarity nodded and rushed to her desk, pulling out all her necessary materials. Soon, Right was draped in dark blue fabric, held in place by a series of cold pins as Rarity snugly sewed the pieces together.

"While you're here, Twilight," Rarity said suddenly, sticking her tongue out in concentration on her sewing, "Would you help me with my vest order too? We were going to do it later today, but I have all my pieces here, now."

Right brain looked over her chores list, "mmm, that's not on my list," she said, clicking her tongue, "It must be on Left brain's list!"

Rarity looked up at her, "...So is that a 'yes'?"

"She'll-" Right said, stopping herself short, "I mean, I'll be back in a little while to help with that!"

Rarity returned to her sewing, "Alright, Twilight, I understand."

Right sensed that that wasn't the answer she had been hoping for, but if Right brain did anything aside from what was on her list, then Left brain would have a field day! She tried to take Rarity's mind off of it with a question that had been plaguing herself, "Hey, Rarity, you're a real romantic, right?"

Rarity beamed, "And proud!" she gushed, tossing her mane back stylishly. "What of it, dear?"

Right brain awkwardly rubbed her back legs together, "W-well, I've got a feeling...-" she bit her tongue, feeling her face turn red.

Rarity saw through her embarrassment immediately, "Twilight! You like somepony!"

"I do not!" Right brain objected spontaneously, her eyes darting back and forth.

Rarity giggled to herself, "Okay, Twilight. You don't like anypony-"

"I like everypony!" Right brain objected again.

"Well, you don't like anypony," Rarity clarified, "But...let's say, hypothetically, you did," she said, eagerly shimmying on her stool, "What would you need from me?"

"Advice!" Right gushed, "I just wanna be with-!" she stopped herself, "I mean...hypothetically."

Rarity smiled, letting out a happy squeak to be giving relationship advice, "Well then, what's the problem?"

Right hesitated, "I don't know if they like me back, you know, that way," she said, "So Left br- I mean, I won't let myself try."

Rarity smiled wider, very familiar with this kind of struggle. "Twilight, I'll tell you the same thing I tell everypony who comes to me with this problem." she scooched her stool over to face Right brain and said, "Follow your heart. If your heart wants to be with them, then you should try!"

Right brain put her hooves on Rarity's face, beaming, "That's what I'm saying-ow!" she said, cut off as she felt one of the pins stick into her leg.

"Sorry, dear," Rarity said, batting the pin away, "You must hold still."

Some time later, the dress was finished and Right brain was at the door, waving to Rarity, "Lef- I'll be back in a little bit to help with your dress!" she promised, and hopped out the door, skipping merrily back to the Cake shop.

Left brain stepped down the dirt path, observing the activity around her and admiring it's hidden complexity. She passed by a bee pollinating a flower and thought about how the bee had all the proper organs and the proper capabilities that allowed it to take pollen and nectar from a flower and turn it into honey. it was something ponies had yet to learn how to control; a mystery, one that must be solved.

As one part of her mind whirled away on designs for a magical honey making machine that replicated the bee's hive, another part was focused on the universe around her, conceptualizing it as infinitely many rays of information being transmitted to her nervous system from some abstract, universal potentiality, and wondered if she would be able to tell the difference with a virtual simulation, if it was sufficiently detailed. She wondered if her own reality was a simulation, and if so, of what? Was there some higher reality that was more real than her own? As a shadow is less real than the object it portrays, so too is reality a shadow of some higher existence?

Yes, it was advantageous to be Left brain; the universe was an endless mystery, begging to be solved.

She stored away her honey making idea and her higher reality conclusion and turned her perception towards her list of chores. She had torn the scroll in the middle, and given the top half to Right brain, so now her list had a jagged tear across the top of the first item. The item was still legible, so to complain any further would be frivolous. She would perform every task on the list in order, efficiently and effectively, and be done far before Right brain would be, who was probably making a pastry stop. She could smell it from where she was, and the fact was that it smelled pleasing. Right brain's spontaneous, unstable nature would be swayed instantly.

The first item on the list was to help Rarity with a vest she was designing, so she made her way to the boutique. She observed everything that was transpiring in the town commons as she travelled, and stored it away to analyze later.

When she reached the boutique, she opened the doors, noting that the small bell above the door rang out an F#.

Rarity had her face buried in a basket of clothes, so she jumped up at the sound of the bell with a sock hanging off her horn. "Twilight!" she greeted, "Back so soon?"

Left brain concluded that Right brain had already been here. She was going to have to pick up her pace if she was to finish before Rigt brain. Left brain stepped through the doorway, saying, "The next item on my list it to help you with your vest.

Rarity pointed at the list, "But you said that was on your other list."

"I'm here now," Left brain observed, hopping atop the modeling stand, "Let's get started; I have many more chores to finish."

"Um, alright," Rarity nodded, walking to her desk and pulling out her things, eyeing Left brain curiously.

Left brain subtly observed her. If Right brain had already been here, then her more sophisticated demeanor must be perceived as sudden. To alleviate any suspicions, Left brain managed a smile at Rarity.

She seemed to settle a bit and smiled back, fishing out the rest of her materials and floating them over to her workspace. She used her magic to drape an unfinished vest over Left brain's shoulders. Left stood still, patiently waiting for Rarity to begin working in silence. Talking would be an unnecessary distraction, and Left's goal was to finish the task, not to socialize. It would be inefficient to do otherwise.

So she let Rarity work in silence, aware of some sort of palpable awkwardness, but certain that it was superfluous, and ignored it.

She let her mind wander, observing Rarity and her work. An idea struck her, and she had already elaborated it fully before she cleared her throat and said, "Rarity,"

Rarity appeared surprised at her sudden strong tone, "Yes, dear?"

"You are very experienced in relationships, correct?" Left brain asked.

Rarity smiled knowingly, "I should say so," she said, squaring her shoulders and mimicking Left's professional tone.

Left brain hesitated before continuing, "Hypothetically speaking, how could one be certain that another pony had romantic intentions for one?" she inquired, selecting her words carefully.

Rarity giggled, "Darling, I already told you, follow your heart!" she said, playfully knocking Left's leg.

'Already told you'? Had Right brain already asked about their 'problem'? She entertained this thought in the back of her mind while attempting to chuckle lightheartedly, "Yes, of course," she went along with it, "But...it would be logical to be completely certain if romance would be reciprocated before attempting to inquire about such romance, correct?"

"Yes..." Rarity answered carefully, looking at Left curiously, "I suppose so..."

Left brain nodded, pleased that her conclusions were being shared, "So, how could you be completely certain that another pony...liked you?" she asked. She found her usage of the colloquial term unpleasant, but effective.

Rarity nodded her head side to side, thinking, "Well, I would have to know who the special somepony was to make a logical guess,"

Left waited patiently for her to continue, until looking down and seeing Rarity look back up at her expectantly. She started, realizing the implied inquiry. "I-I-..." she stammered.

Rarity giggled, "It's okay, Twilight," she assured, "In your own time," she said, giving Left's leg a comforting pat.

Left brain nodded, feeling very uneager in sharing Left and Right brain's one in particular pony.

Rarity continued working on the vest, taking a different logical route, "However, if I wanted to know if another pony had romantic intetions, I would observe them, and see if they acted differently around me than other ponies. More interested, more flustered, happier. Things like that that show the true character of a pony."

Left brain nodded, "That's very logical," she observed, and though she didn't want to admit it, it was very helpful.

"Anything to help a friend!" Rarity gushed, then began chuckling to herself, "Though it doesn't always work! This one time, at band camp..."

Left brain sat through Rarity's entire anecdote. She finished the vest long before her story was finished, but Left brain couldn't find an excuse to leave without being suspicious.

When Rarity had finally finished, Left brain quickly hopped out, bidding Rarity a fleeting farewell and stepping out the door. She returned to her checklist, thinking about life, the universe, and everything. She thought about Right brain, and about Rarity's advice, and about her one in particular pony.

And, quite aggravatingly so, Left brain did not know what to do.