Author's Note

"I dare you to write a reasonably short fic of Big Mac masturbating with a hilariously oversized dildo (tree-sized or something). Make it work." —Marshal Twilight

Big Mac's Hearth's Warming Stuffing (Brasta Septim)

Big Macintosh glanced around the barn, his eyes scanning for any sign of life in the dim lamplight. Nothing. Not a sound nearby but the hooting of owls outside. Not a living soul inside the barn, as far as he could tell. He was alone. Perfect.

With a sigh of relief, he crept towards the corner of the barn where his newest, and most prized possession was hidden, tucked away under an inconspicuous blue tarp. He could feel himself almost shiver in anticipation as he crept closer and closer to his prize, sweat beading on his forehead. He glanced around a few more times, just to make sure no one was watching (assuming anyone else was going to be headed inside the barn in the middle of the night), grasped the edge of the tarp, and pulled it aside to reveal...

Cockzilla. The greatest of all dildos. The black rubber spire of absolute phallic perfection, from base to tip. It was a true work of art, Mac thought, the dildo to rule all dildos. At at least six inches in diametre, and nearly two feet in length, the magnificent phallus put even the biggest of stallions to shame, and made mares either swoon at the sight of it or flee in terror of its mighty girth.

But not him. He was not one to flee in terror from anything. No mere dildo, no matter how big, could force him to surrender. None of the others, not Chance the Stallion, not The Royal Dragon, nor even Tucker the Equinine had been able to conquer his iron spirit and stubborn rear yet; and neither would this one. He was Big Macintosh, and he could take it. And by Celestia, he would.

With a tug, he set the large phallus standing up on its base, looming like a small mountain of black rubber, waiting to be ascended by a worthy climber, a veritable god of Pegasopolis. Like him. With a bottle of lube in hoof and a stony expression, he approached the dildo, refusing to tremble in fear, as he got closer, and closer, and-
“Hoo-wee! Well, it looks like mah Hearth’s Warming present came in the mail mighty early! Thanks for hidin’ it for me, Mac.” Mac froze, and in that split second, a lasso curled around his prize, dragging it slowly away from him, before disappearing into the darkness in a flash of orange.

And so, he stood there, wondering why he hadn’t thought to lock the barn door. Or why he thought it was a good idea to try to steal his sister’s dildo.