PonySuck Adventure

*A dark void presents itself before your eyes. Are you dreaming again?*

"Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?"

*An equine with a pink coat and matching mane suddenly enters your field of vision, calling to you even as you remain silent.*

"Oh, sorry, I keep forgetting there’s no name entry feature. Silly me!"

*You’re confused at the technicolor pony speaking to you in plain English, but, remembering that this is a dream, you simply go along with it.*

"If you’re wondering what this is, it’s a game! And I’m here to guide you through the basics! Won’t that be fun?"

*You aren't sure what this pink pony's definition of "fun" is, but her high pitched voice begins to grate on you. You muse to yourself that perhaps she isn't the best choice for exposition in this so-called game.*

"You see, me and Twilight were playing around with some weird dimension spells, and after a bunch of really crazy trips, we thought we were back in Equestria, but everything was all... different. It turns out we kinda-sorta left a portal open and we think something got loose! Everything went all coco loco up in Canterlot and then it happened to all the ponies in Ponyville, too! "

*The terms “Equestria,” “Ponyville,” and “Canterlot” are all only further reminding you that places with such silly names cannot possibly exist. You appreciate this equine’s clever wordplay, though.*

"Twilight said it was too dangerous to be here and that we needed to call in some other kind of help, and that's where you come in!"

*The only thing you legitimately question about this dream is why it's happening to you. What makes you so special? You know, other than your stunning good looks, winning smile, and a cleverness you've developed from reading one too many detective novels. Basically, you're the same as any other regular jackoff."

'Twilight told me about these things called "heroes" and said that maybe if we summoned one, it could take care of the problem for us!"

*It occurs to you that you are certainly not a “hero.” Unless of course, “hero” is described as “an avid fanfiction reader on the internet.”*

"All you have to do is get from Ponyville to Canterlot and find out who's behind this mess! Soooooo yeah! Sorry to spring all this stuff on you at once, but this is a tutorial after all."

*You want to question the pony explaining all this new information at once, but decide against it in favor of remaining a silent protagonist... that doesn't object... ever.*

"Anyway, this is a choose-your-own-adventure game, which means that the story plays out differently depending on what options you pick! It's sorta like an interactive movie like that, so you can sit back and enjoy without having to worry about hurting your hand doing... Whatever it is you do."

*You briefly raise both hands in front of your eyes. Yup, still there, and still in mint condition.*

"But, you gotta be super careful! The game doesn't warn you, but your choice can sometimes lead you to a game over! Don't worry, as long as you keep track of your save files, Twilight can put you back at your last one so you'll be ready to try again!"

*All this talk about “save files” and “game overs” makes you wonder where the skip button is on this tutorial.*

"Now, umm, about the ponies in here. They... umm... they REALLY like penis, and sucking it, especially! Me and Twilight couldn’t figure it out, but all we know for sure is that you have to be careful around ponies like that. If they get a hold of you, they’re gonna go straight for your no-no zone! And you’ll never make it to Canterlot if that happens! So, try not to let them do that, ehehe."

*You blink twice in confusion. Apparently, in this alternate dimension you have been presented with, ponies are both capable of lusting over and sucking penises. Letting out a nervous cough, you manage to not get aroused at the naughty implications running through your mind... pervert.*

"Hey! Don’t get any naughty ideas, mister! You’re not supposed to feed ponies your baby batter! I mean, I know it feels good and all... mmn, and it does taste pretty good..."

"Pinkie!"

*Another, more mature-sounding voice calls from behind you. You follow it to find a lavender-colored unicorn complete with wings and a nasty look on her face regarding the easily distracted mare in front of you.*

"Oh, right! Ehehe, sorry, Twilight. If you see anypony you might recognize, like me or Twilight, just remember that they’re not really us. I mean, they are us, but they’re not us us."

*You briefly wonder if you have a muzzle in your inventory that would silence this nonsense-speaking pony before her riddles confused you any further.*

"So, you know, be careful. Don’t go anywhere you think might be dangerous!"

"Aaaaand I think that’s it! We’re gonna drop you in an empty house in Ponyville. You should be safe there. So scrounge up what you can and get to Canterlot as soon as possible!"

"Got it? Okay! Good luck out there! We’re rooting for ya!"

*Bright lights flash in your eyes, blinding you as your feel your entire body rise up from the ground. You feel yourself become weightless as you are teleported away. The last few words you hear spoken regarding you are not exactly encouraging.*

"He’s not gonna last out there, is he?"

"I don’t think so."