Cards Against Friendship

by LeoneHaxor

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 3200

A man in dire need of sleep decides to relax with a nice card game.

LeoneHaxor, knowing full well he should try to sleep, decides to go visit a friend instead. What begins as a simple attempt to play a card game escalates quickly as shenanigans ensue.

This is based on a true series of events that transpired on the site Pretend You're Xyzzy. A majority of the actual chat was used in the production, with the addition of some creative liberties being taken with the sequence of events.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-04 13:40:03 UTC

Late Night Madness

*The following is based on events that transpired on June 3rd , 2014, effectively starting from 10 PM and ending at 3AM the following day.*

On a calm and peaceful night, a man who went by many names sat wearily at his computer. He could be called many things, but for now he is LeoneHaxor, an up and coming writer who found himself unable to sleep. He knew he should attempt to reach his bed, but his mind refused to relax, bombarding him with ideas at an astonishing rate.

Steepiling his fingers, he scrolled through several pages of FIMFiction, trying to manage his thirst with research, as he called it, tying to discover something that would ease his writer’s block. He figured that if his mind refused him rest, why, he should at least try to make some headway on his new chapter.

But it was not to be. LeoneHaxor had considered his current situation – like hell he would be able to focus on writing at that hour, but he knew his mind wouldn’t let him rest until he had done SOMETHING. So he decided to make a trip that night to visit a friend of his. He pulled up a page on his browser, and typed in a particular address. He typed in the name of his account, and hit his enter key.

He left the confines of his home in a great flash of light, startling the hell out of his two cats, who would be waiting at the top of the drapes for half an hour before descending.

When he arrived, LeoneHaxor stood in a grand lobby, lined with chipped and scratched columns that seemed Roman in design. The floors were carpeted in dark green, obscured in places by several stains and debris, and the walls were paneled with oaken planks that were damaged and blemished in a similar fashion. He walked into a nearby doorway to the lodgings, making his way past several others who nodded as he passed by.

Looking for his room, he walked past a certain Alicorn whose eyes seemed to pierce his clothing, like a predator looking for the sick and the lame amongst a herd. LeoneHaxor would have shivered slightly, if this had been the first time they had met. “Molestia,” he greeted calmly. “How many have you taken down tonight?”

She licked her lips at the memories, eyes blazing with barely restrained passion. “Fifteen in the past hour alone, HaxFotherMucker. Care to make it an even sixteen?”

LeoneHaxor was glad he kept his aliases separate. That way, he could have yet another buffer between his true identity and entities such as herself. She claimed to be a succubus in Princess Celestia's body, but this did nothing to ease his distrust. He had always found Celestia to be a rather dubious character - for reasons even he couldn't remember - but adding in a different personality to her frame failed to change his opinion of the alicorn.

He realized that she was actually waiting for an answer. “Not tonight, Molestia. I’m only interested in a card game to clear my mind: no more, no less.”

The alicorn left without incident, but not without making sure he got an interesting view of her rear end. “Well, if you change your mind tonight, you know where to find me,” she crooned.

LeoneHaxor let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. Shaking his head, he made his way down the hallway to the room with his name upon it. Taking out the key that had been given to him, he pushed it into the lock and turned the knob, entering what for all the world would consider an average apartment.

He looked around carefully, making sure there were no false players making their residence in his place. He remembered when DiscordGodofChaos had signed on only to discover that someone had taken his place, and the in-game brawl that had resulted. Shivering at the violent memory, he sat down on the couch and picked up a remote lying there. A push of a button caused a wall to display the current games that were up. “Who knew the servers would be this busy,” he mused quietly.

He heard something crash behind him in the kitchen, but he wasn’t concerned. In fact, he was actually rather happy to see who it was as she bounced from the door.  “Oh, hi there!” Pinkie said in her bubbly voice as she went over to him. LeoneHaxor found himself fighting fro breath as she gave him a tight hug. “My Pinkie Sense told me you’d be showing up tonight, so I’ve been baking a special batch of goodies just for you!”

On one of his previous visits, he ran this cheerful pink pony who, despite being so innocent in appearance, held one of the best minds around when it came to Cards Against Humanity. They had hit it off really well – it also helped that she was one hell of a baker – and he had found himself offering her a place to stay in his room.

“Hey, Pinkie!” he managed through constricted lungs. “I’ve missed you too! Could you do me a quick favor and ease up a bit?” the pressure decreased, but she kept her arms around him for a few moments. He smiled contentedly. “Thank you. I always enjoy your hugs – they really make my day when I can get them.”

A timer went off in the kitchen area, causing Pinkie to bolt up from her position. “Ooh, ooh, that’d be the next batch of cupcakes! I’ll be back in a moment!” She departed and left a wispy after-image in the dust cloud, looking no less colorful than the mare that produced it. LeoneHaxor shook his head, grin never leaving his face. He turned back to the screen in front of him and selected a game as a “Spectator”. Around him appeared blue holograms that would cause Lucas to faint in bliss of various players.

He was interested to find that they were engrossed not in an actual game, but an impressive RP. He sat back for a moment, but his mischievous side wanted to have some fun. Creating a trusty and virtual jetpack camel, he came up next to Just_RainbowDash as she flew from a window with one joke in his mind.

“Yo girl! Can I have yo numbah!” he called out to her as she raced by him. A player sent a parenthesized message to him letting him know that she was his wife. LeoneHaxor raised his hands, nonverbally communicating “Don’t kill me, bro, ‘cause I didn’t know”. However, this also caused him to lose control of his jetpack camel, who was no longer being steadied by his hands. “Oh SHIT,” he cried as he scrambled to prevent a crash.

He decided to watch how it would play out from that point, but he noticed a familiar player who was also spectating. He waved to Fluttershy_The_Sniper, but his attention was drawn to the action that was happening. Pinkie had returned by that time, and also commented on the story as it went on. They made sure to keep their voices down, but some of their ‘off-screen’ antics caught the attention of some spectators.

When she determined that they had cooled, Pinkie went back into the kitchen to add frosting to her confections, leaving LeoneHaxor to contemplate the now steamy scene unfolding in front of him.

“Who wants CUPCAKES!”

He turned around just in time to see an unholy amount of sweets headed right for his mouth. The last thing he managed to say before he blacked out sounded along the lines of “sdmvfnsdfwekfnsdjkhfcantbreathesomanycupcakes.”

He came to a couple of hours later to the sound of Fluttershy_The_Sniper speaking.

“I wish i could help get rid of your pain, Dashie, but i can't... (#ThisIsAHashtag).”

A player he had never seen before, one Twilight_The_Scout, had noted his username as he got back up. “#DrHax,” she said happily.

HaxFotherMucker (the username for the man also known as LeoneHaxor) groggily shifted into a comfortable position on his couch. He remembered his admiration of Dr. Hax that he had gained years ago - and wondered if the pain in his head was caused by a computer monitor to the face. He wearily addressed  them, “Hello...I ended up having a sugar crash due to the incident earlier...some of you probably remember.”  He winced as a hand went to his skull. “Ooh, my head,” he whined pathetically.

A user named Pinkie_The_Prankster randomly appeared to drop dead, complete with a heart monitor flatlining in the background. Fluttershy_The_Sniper produced a tombstone reading ‘RIP Pinkie_The_Prankster ???? - 2014’.

The Pinkie in his room claimed herself innocent. “How was I supposed to know 9000 calories worth of cupcakes would do that to him?” Twilight_The_Scout  managed to spill out, “Why not 9001 calories? ITS OVER NINETHOUSAND!” before descending into uproarious laughter at her joke and Pinkie’s defense.

LeoneHaxor rubbed his temples as they throbbed painfully. “My friend, when Pinkie Pie ambushes you with baked goods, you're lucky to wake up without a sugar-hangover.” Pinkie looked at him as though she was a scolded child. “I said I was sorry!”

He winced some more as the volume made his pain worse. “Yeesh, not so loud, Pinkie,” he pleaded. “I didn't even know a sugar-hangover exists,” mused Fluttershy_The_Sniper, chucking to herself all the while. LeoneHaxor turned to her projection matter-of-factly. “Yes, it does – I have one now.”

Twilight_The_Sniper quoted one of Pinkie’s finest moments: “’I'm not giving him cake, I'm assaulting him with cake!’” LeoneHaxor nodded wholeheartedly, stating that “I fully agree with that one in this case.” Fluttershy_The_Sniper joked “Assault and bakery.” From nowhere, two drums and a cymbal played the familiar sound of comedy – the infamous *Badumtiss*.

Pinkie got up from the couch and looked at him. “I’m going to bake some more – want any?” He stared at her for a full sixteen seconds before replying. “…why the hell not…” he deadpanned. She bounced happily into the kitchen to do just that. LeoneHaxor looked around his room for a good 29 seconds before breaking the silence.

“Quick question: is Pyrovision actually caused by being on a big damn sugar high? Because I'm seeing some crazy shiz right now...” Strange shapes were flitting about merrily in the corners of his vision,  which he blearily likened to having stanky old wizard eyes.

Twilight_The_Scout informed him that “Pyrovision can be caused by being sugar-high, or wearing a Pyro mask,” as Pinkie_The_Prankster left the connection. LeoneHaxor moaned in relief. “Oh, good, so Pinkie DIDN"T slip LSD into those twelve batches she stuffed me with,” he sighed.

A voice from the kitchen corrected him. “This ti~me!” Fluttershy_The_Sniper began to laugh her projected ass off. Horrified, LeoneHaxor turned to the kitchen door. “Oh God –  Pinkie, how many times have you slipped drugs into my cupcakes?”

The pony poked her head from the kitchen. “Well, I have pictures!” she informed him with a large grin. He stared blankly at her as this sank in. “Wait, what?” he asked numbly, not sure if he heard her right. Behind him, Twilight_The_Scout was doing an impressive attempt at a ‘Me gusta face’ as LeoneHaxor took note of a photo album in Pinkie’s hooves.

She jumped onto the couch and landed next to him. She then opened it to a page and pointed at a picture with her hoof. “Here was the night when you came home and finished writing that one chapter of your fanfiction,” she explained. He stared at the photo, mortified at its content.

Pinkie flipped to another one, saying “Ooh, and here was last week, when you came back from work and were REALLY hungry.” His discomfort went higher as he took stock of the picture – if his face was an emoticon, it would look like (0________0;;;;) by this point.

She moved to a different page closer to the back. “My personal favorite was just the other day. Look how happy you were!” This time LeoneHaxor turned to her with utter disbelief in his features. “Pinkie...I think I'd remember a licorice whip and a...gallon of chocolate...syrup...” he trailed off. He actually DID remember that one. “OH MY GOD I THOUGHT I DREAMT THAT!” he cried in utter horror.

Just_RainbowDash began to leave, and Pinkie cheerfully joined in to wish her off. Coming to terms with this information, LeoneHaxor managed to say, “So long...I need a drink.” He sat there awkwardly with Pinkie, with the photo album sitting on the table nearby. He reached for a brandy, pouring himself a glass.  He offered Pinkie a drink with a simple, “Want one?”  Pinkie beamed, saying “Sure!”, and a second glass was prepared.

Twilight_The_Scout’s ‘Me gusta face’ intensified as Fluttershy_The_Sniper stated that “Pinkie plus alcohol equals a very interesting situation.” LeoneHaxor raised his glass in a toast, saying “To moments you remember fondly...ones which I'm either disappointed or relieved to have no recollection of.” With that, LeoneHaxor and Pinkie drained their glasses in unison.

A user named Pretty_Pink_Pony joined the chatroom at this point, asking for them to start the game, to which Fluttershy_The_Sniper explained, “We know what to clicky, but the host fell asleep.”  Pretty_Pink_Pony stated it wasn’t her problem, but wanted ‘Merfuns’ if they wouldn’t start a match. Twilight_The_Scout promptly sent the user some ‘Merfuns’.

LeoneHaxor offered Pinkie another drink, and she challenged him to a drinking competition. He poured several shot glasses for himself and Pinkie, saying “Six to start with – first to drain them all and stay upright wins.”  She pointed her hoof in acceptance with a battle cry of “You’re on!”

LeoneHaxor downed two glasses at a time while Pinkie slurped them all down at once. “Damn your cartoony disregard for the laws of physics!” he cried in fustration. Pinkie giggled. “He, he! You're just -hic- mad -hic- because you lost!”

Off to the side, Pretty_Pink_Pony was having an interesting conversation with the others. “I wonder what Twilight would taste like…” she started, rattled off several thoughts on the topic. “Pinkie would be cotton candy, Fluttershy, either lemonade or bananas…”

Twilight_The_Scout  began to inform her with a blush on her face. “Uhh...if you are wondering, I taste like grapes. Heh, this sounds really awkward...”

“Ooooh,” Pretty_Pink_Pony winked in a sultry manner, “I like grapes.”

Fluttershy_The_Sniper mentioned that she tastes like bananas.  Pretty_Pink_Pony  licked her lips hungrily. “Banana splits?”  Fluttershy_The_Sniper confirmed this (verbally).

Pinkie decided to jump in. “Ooh, I know what he tastes li– ”

LeoneHaxor put a stop to that line of conversation with a trick he learned from Luna – The Royal Canterlot Caps Lock Voice. “DONTYOUFRIGGINGDARE!” Twilight_The_Scout bent over in laughter at the look on his face as he screamed.

Oblivious to this outburst, Pretty_Pink_Pony wondered “What would Rainbow Crash taste like?”

“Maybe Rainbow Dash would taste like blueberry or skittles,” postulated Fluttershy_The_Sniper. Pretty_Pink_Pony looked at her incredulously. “Blueberries?” she repeated.

LeoneHaxor drained the other four glasses left behind on his side in response.

Pinkie bounced in a deceptively sober manner. “Another round! -HIC- Another round!” she cried. He stared at her amazed. “Christ, you can hold your liquor.” He had an idea and got up from his seat. “Let’s see how you handle this,” he said almost to himself as he pulled out a large bottle of vodka. He poured the liquor into two large steins as he sat back down, emptying the massive bottle.

“Last one standing wins.”  Pinkie looked at him funny. “Wins what?”

LeoneHaxor’s mind raced to come up with a prize. There wasn’t much in the room that he owned that could make a good prize. “...um...the other has to Pinkie Promise to do whatever the other asks them to.”

He didn’t have to wait long for a response. “IT’S ON!” Pinkie cried eagerly. They chugged their vodka steins at a dangerous rate…

…and finished at the same time.

“…”

“…”

“…so who won?” he asked blankly.

Pinkie put a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “Umm...I'm not really sure...maybe one of them knows?” she suggested.

LeoneHaxor turned to the projected users. “YO WHO WON OUR ULTIMATE DRINKING CONTEST?!?” This got their attention fast. He decided to lower his voice. “Me or her?” he asked, waving a hand to each of them respectively.

Twilight_The_Scout was sure Pinkie had won, Fluttershy_The_Sniper thought that LeoneHaxor had won, Pretty_Pink_Pony quipped “The fat black idiot at the other end of the bar did”, and Pinkie_The_Prankster (who had just rejoined the group) stared in confusion. “I haven’t been drinking,” she said blankly.

Pinkie turned to him in excitement. “One for me, and one for you!” LeoneHaxor was equally energized. “Tied up for now, who’ll win?” he asked in his best announcer’s voice.

Twilight_The_Scout was positive Pinkie would win, and Fluttershy_The_Sniper believed that LeoneHaxor would win.

This suspense made LeoneHaxor to realize something. “Pinkie, I realize you've been typing on a vid-board this time, but how can your hooves hit the keys when drunk of all things?” Her response was a cheery “I have NO IDEA!”

Pinkie_The_Prankster randomly shook her plot at Fluttershy_The_Sniper to stay relevant in the madness, to which she watched enthusiastically. Pinkie_The_Prankster continued to shake it like a Polaroid picture, to which Fluttershy_The_Sniper received a full wingboner.

Pretty_Pink_Pony was disgusted by this display, and left muttering “Bloody brony wankers.”

Pinkie_The_Prankster stared after her in confusion. “What did I miss?” she asked, settling down to sit.

Unable to handle the suspense any longer, LeoneHaxor made a decision. “Okay, I’ll flip a coin - heads, I won, and tails, you won.” He then flips said coin – or at least tried to with a minimum .15 BAC. “God DAMNIT!” Shaking his head, he asked “What did it land on?”

LeoneHaxor stared intently at the coin.…which was standing on its edge. “SONOVA–”

Fluttershy_The_Sniper  explained what happened to Pinkie_The_Prankster. “You didn't miss much, just Pretty_Pink_Pony pretending to be a brony, and then being a douche-muffin.” Twilight_The_Scout  proceeded to create a sign of flashing lights which read “#PrettyPinkPonyTheDoucheMuffin”. Pinkie laughed at this even harder when she realized the double-entendre. “Hehehe, douche-muffin!”

LeoneHaxor’s face contorted in determination. “Screw it, imma try something.” Pinkie-The_Prankster agreed, “It is good to try things.”

LeoneHaxor proceeded to kick the coin like it was a football, screaming “IT’S GOOD!” as he did so.

It promptly hit him in the face as it rebounded from the wall. Pinkie and Twilight_The_Scout laughed hysterically at him, rolling on the floor in mirth.

LeoneHaxor was nonplussed by this development. “Bah, at least we’ll see who won the coin toss.” LeoneHaxor and Pinkie looked intently at the coin before Pinkie finally asked, “Anypony remember what ‘heads’ meant?”

Twilight_The_Scout pulled up a helpful chart that read “Heads = Hax wins, tails = Pinkeh wins.” Having done this, she left the chatroom, along with Fluttershy_The_Sniper and Pinkie_The_Prankster.

They sat in silence for a moment before Pinkie asked the question in both of their minds. “Okay, so now what?”

He looked at her quietly, gears turning in his head. He made his decision.

The sound of peaceful snoring came from the couch as they slept. A calendar on the wall had a big red circle on that Friday night. The lettering inside read “Dinner, 6pm.”