SO, here's how it went down.
Elvis was, once, a human named Elvis Presley. Duh. He was muy, muy famoso. He starred in muchas películas. Many movies, most of them with the same plotline (stupid type-casting directors).
How did he become a cephalopod? Nobody knows. ~~His likeness was slammed into a space octopus, thus playing into the trope~~ ~~Beethoven was an Alien Spy~~~~. But not really, I guess, because he was already dead before he became an alien.~~ Regardless, his face was now on a space octopus. And his whole head. But not his stomach. Maybe that's why he was hungry.
Octopus Elvis opened his eyes: left first, then right. He was in a large crater. There was a small turquoise quadruped with some orange fuzzy stuff on its head standing at the edge, looking down at him.
A quadruped should not look down upon its cephalopod superiors! Octopus Elvis thought indignantly.
So, he climbed out of the crater and ate him up in two gulps. GULP! GULP!
Snips' last thought was, But I never got to eat my veggie smoothie!
Olvis, as he called himself (short for Octopus Elvis, of course), looked around. He was in a boring green field, not a fellow cephalopod (or food) in sight.
Who has a field without any food?! No, wait, there’s some!
Olvis slowly approached a sign that said “Silly Billy’s Picnic Lounge.” He ate the sign, or at least part of it. Now it read “Silly Lounge.” Sometime in the next hour, that lack of "Billy's Picnic" caused Billy and his family to forget where it was supposed to be, and they wandered into the Everfree Forest. Three years later, they were found in Zecora's (barely used) basement.
Turning around, Olvis saw three pastel-colored, quadruped creatures nearby that reminded him of Space Horses. Except they were a lot less smelly than Space Horses (Space Octopi have very sensitive olfactory senses).
Olvis said, “Hello, quadrupeds. My name is Olvis, your cephalopod superior and new ruler. Those who are intelligent will live under my rule. Those who are not will be eaten or stored as food.” But of course, the ponies (for that's what they were) couldn't understand him because he was speaking Space Octopus, a very complex language involving farts, squishes, and tentacles, none of which ponies had or could do on cue.
They can’t understand me, Olvis thought. They are most likely primitives. I will eat them.
He seized the ponies. One screamed, "The horror! The horror!" He bit them all in half simultaneously, swallowed, and chucked the rest into his mouth. Still hungry, he looked around. There was a purple pony on a blanket of some sort. He was tempted to eat it, but restrained himself.
My octopus brethren will want to conquer this planet. I shall summon them.
Olvis sat on the ground, crossing his legs. He chanted the Sustenance Summon. The actual words translate as, "There is food, want some? Nom nom, tasty tasty, eat it up!" It is said in Space Latin, which sounds eerie to Space Octopi, but hilarious to other species, given that Space Latin is entirely made up of burps, sneezes, and coughs.
This continued for several minutes, during which the Space Octopi Space Navy (S.O.S.N. for short) blockaded the planet and started landing troops. Their ships blocked so much of the sky, many ponies wondered if either Discord or Nightmare Moon had returned.
Space Octopi have fast metabolisms, and so the Sustenance Summon draws in just about every Space Octopus within its range towards the source. The only reason why some don’t come is either because they are so fat they can’t move, or they kind of-sort of imploded. The Sustenance Summoner (the Space Octopus that is doing the summoning) is given complete authority over the Space Octopi that are summoned.
Once the Space Octopi Army (S.O.A.) had established a perimeter and some ships had landed (crushing many ponies beneath their landing gears), Commander Olvis declared his plan in Space Pig Latin (in case there were any Space Squid nearby, since the Space Octopi and the Space Squids have a very bitter rivalry).
“Our main objective is this nearby settlement, called by the natives I consumed, ‘Ponyville.’ What did the spies discover, Oobama?” he said, addressing a Space Octopus with the likeness of Obama.
“Well, let me be clear,” Oobama began, “our spies have only discovered that they have primitive weapons and little to no defensive or offensive fortifications.”
Olvis face-tentacled, although he understood; the S.O.A. never had to do much spying, since most of their military pursuits resulted in eating the insurgents. Still, he expected more from Oobama. “You promised us that you would be able to get more information. How they think, tendencies, the like.” He thought for a moment, then declared, “Oobama, your punishment is that you will have to be a one-Octopus first wave. Destroy as much as you can.”
“And if they flee?” asked one of the Octopi.
“The S.O.A. has established a perimeter. None can escape.” Olvis laughed an evil laugh, and the others joined in. Then they all had a cough attack, because Space Octopi are not made for evil laughing.
So Oobama charged into Ponyville, destroying many of the buildings and causing many injuries and casualties. The first building he destroyed was Sugar Cube Corner‒after eating all the food, of course. Eventually, he was stupid enough to land on top of a crowd of unicorns and died from the horn wounds.
The second wave was armed with flamethrowers and suction tubes that connected to nearby space freighters. The Octopi with flamethrowers cooked the ponies, and the ones with suction tubes collected them. On the freighters, they were then preserved in Jell-o (Jell-o is very addictive to Space Octopi).
Olvis directed this strike, and by midnight all but two ponies had been captured: Fluttershy, because her cottage was so far from town, and Zecora, because the Everfree gave off an aura so evil, even the Space Octopi didn’t want to venture in. They very nearly failed twice; once, when a purple pony with both wings and a horn managed to obliterate a few Space Octopi before she was stored in Jell-o (her dragon was eaten as a snack), and again when a bunch of cows trampled some Space Octopi. And they were all like, “Seriously?! You dare to trample us, your new...consumers?! Die!” (It was discovered that day that regular cows tasted just as good as Space ones.)
The Octopi slept off as much food as they could, then at 8:01am sharp they awoke and received new orders from Olvis.
“The next, closest city is Canterlot. We will use the same battle plan, except instead of another incompetent Octopi being the first wave, we’ll be using bombs. Unless, of course, there is another incompetent Octopi.”
The Octopi cheered, and some ate each other out of happiness (Space Octopi are not above cannibalism).
They marched off into the horizon, and Olvis looked behind him at the destruction they had wrought, burning with the acrid stench of dead Space Octopi.
Hopefully they're as tasty in Canterlot.
Author's Note
Yeah. That happened.
Teh epilogue that may or may not be necessary. And things.
Celestia heard the screams before the pony arrived to tell her.
“Princess!” the messenger gasped. “They have come!”
“They who?”
“The—the octopi!”
“Wat.”
“They’re horrible!” The stallion gesticulated rapidly “They’re extremely tall, and they’re burning ponies and storing them! I barely escaped!”
Celestia stood, determined. “Gather the Royal Guard. Tell them—”
“You gave them a holiday, remember, sister?”
Celestia blinked and turned to Luna, who had flown in the window. “I did what?”
“You kind of drank too much of Applejack’s cider that she sent you, told them they were incompetent, and gave them a holiday.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Last time I ever let you drink that much.”
The stallion looked on the two with confusion.
Celestia sighed. “Just get a bunch of ponies willing to fight, and try to get the Guards back to work, please.” The stallion bowed and left, wondering how he was going to be able to when he had a squid on his head.
Wait, squid?
The Space Squid (what else would you expect?) constricted the stallion’s breathing just enough to knock him out, then floated into Celestia’s room.
“Hello,” it said, “my name is Sgeorge Slucas, and I wish to help you defend against the Space Octopi.”
“What?” Celestia stared in confusion at the floating squid.
Slucas sighed. Obviously, the white one (and, assumably, the blue one) couldn’t understand him, which, honestly, he should have anticipated—after all, the language of Space Squid consisted of tentacle flailing and jumping jacks. He exited the room, leaving Celestia and Luna utterly confused as to what just happened.
“They couldn’t understand me,” Slucas said to the rest of his team: the Sbeatles, Selton Sjohn, and Swhitney Shouston. “We must continue with our protection of this primitive race.”
“What if the ponies impede our efforts?” asked Spaul SmcCartney. “Surely we don’t expect them to know our manoeuvres.”
Slucas shrugged. “Just work around them. There’s always random targets in fights that somehow don’t get shot even though they logically should. Although, all ponies are their targets...and so are we.”
