Honey Badger

by ThisisDoge

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 2399

Honey Badger wanders into Ponyville

Honey Badger visits Ponyville and wrecks stuff.
But now Honey Badger is going mess stuff up around the globe everywhere, follow Honey Badger as he travels around Equestria not caring and taking what he wants.
Narrator: Samuel Jackson
Warning very extreme profanity.
Update:Honey Badger is going to be continued with more chapters since I can't leave him alone.

Published 2014-06-05 03:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-29 20:34:44 UTC

I regret nothing

Ponyville was a very normal place to live at, that is if your definition of normal is deadly bugs, huge dragons, and other hazards that don't miraculously take anyone's lives is a normal day. Right now, Fluttershy finished shopping and was going back home to her cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville. While on the other side of town, a creature was walking through town ignoring random passer bys and other carts that came dangerously close to crushing him. What was this creature's name, Honey Badger. But see this Honey Badger is different because Honey Badger doesn't give a fuck. After receiving a few looks from the locals he decides enough is enough. He was determined to get to his destination. Sugar-cube corner. Kicking in the door and gaining the attention of everyone in the cafe he glares at every single one of them.

"All right which one of ya'll motha-fucka's is ready for an ass whoopin'?!", he shouted (with a Brooklyn accent) out of the top of his lungs that rivaled Luna's royal Canterlot voice. Everybody stared at him wide-eyes as they put their hands up and backed away slowly.

"Now which ya'll punk asses would like to buy me a drink?!", after finishing that sentence he was mt with a flurry of bits thrown at him, did it hurt him? No, because Honey Badger doesn't give a fuck. After buying himself a coffee and two muffins (which he gave one to a mare with really funny eyes) he sat down and began eating. Nobody dared challenge him because if they did Honey Badger will lay down a can of whoop ass on everyone.

"Umm, sir?", a stallion said trembling with fear. The Honey Badger snapped his attention to him, his eyes piercing his soul as the stallion gulped nervously.

"N-N-Nevermind!", the stallion said in a high pitched voice before running out of the bakery weeping. Did Honey Badger feel any remorse? No, because Honey Badger doesn't give a fuck. Right now, the only man in the bakery was Honey Badger, not even Bulk Biceps dared challenge him. Shit, Honey Badger is too manly he needs not one mustache, not two mustache's, but motherfucking three mustaches. Damn, add in cool explosion for effect. Everybody was scared of Boss ass Motherfucking Honey Badger. Shit no one can rival Honey Motherfucking Badger, not even an Ursa Major he'll kick that space bears pansy ass and send that bitch into orbit.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy was flying toward Sugarcube Corner, right now Honey Badger was walking out of the bakery after getting in an argument with Bulk Biceps how about Sugarcube Corner wasn't even on a corner. Which made no sense and ended with Honey Badger tearing apart the bakery. They beg and pleaded for Honey Badger to stop, but he didn't. Why? Because Honey Badger doesn't give a fuck. Honey Badger is a nasty motherfucker that's why. That's when Fluttershy saw him....Motherufcking Honey Badger was walking away from the bakery. Fluttershy's eyes popped open with excitement, she never seen a Honey Badger, she seen a lot of Honey Badgers but not one as badass as this Honey Badger, shit I bet Honey Badger here will kick all the other Honey Badger's pansy asses. As Fluttershy neared him she called him out.

"Um, Mr. Honey Badger sir?!", Fluttershy said. Then that's when time stopped, now Honey Badger can either one! Walk away and ignore, put only pansy ass Honey Badgers do that shit. Honey Badger turned around in one spot while he was met with the eyes of Fluttershy. Her blue eyes made contact with Honey Badger's black beady ones. Before he can say anything, a rainbow blur tackled Fluttershy to the ground.

"Fluttershy! Are you crazy?!", Rainbow Dash yelled at her.

"This thing is a monster!", Rainbow Dash warned her. Honey Badger felt a slight jolt in his head. No one calls Honey Badger a monster, not even an autistic Rainbow pony.

"Hey!", Rainbow Dash said as she felt something bite her tail and drag her off Fluttershy. Fluttershy got up and dusted herself before walking to her cottage.

"Now, Mr. Honey Badger don't wander off, take care of him RD, I'm going to get some Honey.", Fluttershy told them both before trotting away happily. Rainbow Dash shot Honey Badger a glare, but Honey Badger didn't react because Honey Badger doesn't care. As Honey Badger started walking away a Cyan mare stepped in front of him.

"Fluttershy said not to leave!", She said as she glared at Honey Badger. Now does Honey Badger follow instructions? No, because instructions are for pansies. Grabbing RD by the scruff of her neck, Honey Badger threw her behind his back with enough speed to crash into Sugarcube Corner shattering the windows. Did anyone die? No! But Honey Badger didn't give a shit!

Four minutes later

"What happened?"

"You're stupid Honey Badger that's what!", Rainbow yelled at her. The yellow pegasus cowered as Rainbow gave her a toungue lashing gibbering about the Honey Badger and Sugarcube corner needing their windows replaced, after that a majestic voice stopped her.

"That's enough Rainbow!", Rainbow whipped around before gasping, everypony around her bowing. Celestia stood there a she wondered what happened here.

"Fluttershy, I understand you just made contact with a very violent creature!", Celestia said.

"N-No, Mr. Honey Badger will never harm anypony!", Fluttershy said trembling.

"Well..I guess Mr. Honey Badger doesn't care.", Celestia said. Right now, Mr. Honey Mother fucking Badger was gone, but he will back ready to unleash a can of whoop ass on every motherfucka' who stands in his way because Honey Badger doesn't give a fuck.

Canterlot is no match for Honey Badger

For four days and nights, Honey Badger toured around Equestria wondering what he will do next. Then he came to a train station, Ponyville train station. Honey Badger walked in a big circle for four days and he ends up back in Ponyville. But, Honey Badger didn't give a fuck that he ended up back where he started. Right now the locals knew who Honey Badger was. Honey Badger was the king of ZERO fucks given. Shit, if Honey Badger got challenged he would've fucked shit up like always like Lebron's hairline. Honey Badger walked to the train platform as he waited for the train to leave as the ponies around him trembled with fear.. Right now in the sky who happened to fly by a certain mare was flying over the train station with a bandaged left eye. How did that happen? Honey 'Motherfuckin' Badger threw that bitch through a wall that shattered the sound barrier. As soon as she laid eyes on Honey Badger, she saw red. Flying down toward him she stopped right in front of him.

"I see you have the guts, to show you're face again around here!", She growled t Honey Badger. Right now, a Grammar nazi is probably screaming because she used 'You're' instead of 'Your' but Honey Badger didn't give a fuck if a Rainbow Pegasus was using bad grammar. Right now he was concerned about the approaching train that was about smash into the Rainbow Dash and you know if Honey Badger is concerned you should be too because Honey Badger will tear that ass up like a bowl of Chili mixed with Laxatives. A sickening 'SPLAT' was heard as the train collided with Rainbow Dash at sixty miles per hour. Right now Rainbow Dash could die with pieces of her flying everywhere and traumatizing everyone, but since I can't be descriptive with gore and I love my audience and Rainbow Dash is best pony. I'll let her live.

Rainbow Dash was launched back at mach speed as she flew back. Meanwhile the new windows that costed around four thousand bits were being installed into Sugarcube corner.

"That's all Sweetie?", Carrot cake asked his wife, meanwhile a cyan pegasus was launched into the windows shattering them and Mr. Cake's bank account. Carrot Cake stood staring at what just happened and then realizes that he wasted money on.

"God fucking dammit!"

Right now the train has stopped and Honey Badger was boarding it. Right now everypony was moving away from Honey Badger because they knew he owned the world record of not giving a fuck. As the train began picking up speed, everypony knew that Honey Badger can derail this motherfucker like nothing and brutally slaughter everypony on the train. But right now, Honey Badger was heading to the Canterlot aka Stuck-up pony town that houses a castle and are about to get their asses handed to Honey Badger like a punk. As they neared the destination a waiter offered Honey Badger some tea. And di Honey Badger get tea? Of course Honey 'Motherfuckin' Badger got tea, he drank that shit up as freshman at their first high school party. Right now Honey Badger looked classy as fuck. All he need was a top hat, that thingy the Monopoly guy wears on his eye and he be the classiest motherfucker in all of Equestria. As they arrived at Canterlot, Honey Badger walked around the cabin.

"E-excuse me, sir?", a waiter told Honey Badger.

"Y-you need to be seated.", a punk-ass waiter told Honey Badger. Now if someone dares challenge Honey Badger you bet yo' sweet ass, they're going to get a can of whoop ass. But this guy offered Honey Badger tea, so he cool. As they exited the train, Honey Badger couldn't ignore the fact that all the rich-ass prissy unicorns looked down on the poor ponies. and Honey Badger you could bet was confused and angry, since Honey Badger was the one who was the leading expert of 'no fucks given'. So you bet Honey Badger was mad. As he walking around he bumped into some sissy-ass pony who went by the name of Blueblood. Now Blueblood was the biggest cunt in all of Equestria. You could put Pinkie pie and all the other annoying ass ponies and it still won't outmatch of how big a cunt Blueblood is.

"Excuse me! You seem to be clumsy if yo-!", Blueblood wasn't able to finish his sentence because Honey Badger canned his pansy ass. Like, literally canned. He stuffed him into a garbage can, there joke explained. After stuffing him in a garbage can and shutting the lid on him. Honey Badger picked that motherfuckin' trash can up and rolled that shit down a hill. You can guess what happened to Blueblood. The Nobles looked wide-eyed as Blueblood rolled down the hill and smashed into a cart. Garbage, fecal matter, and a lot of nasty stuff I can't describe because I don't want to lose my teen rating flew around and filled the streets. Blueblood curled into a ball as tears fell out of his eyes weeping from embarrassment and because he was covered in filth and other stuff you don't want to know.

Right now Blueblood was weeping while horrified onlookers couldn't do anything, they put their hooves up and backed away slowly as Honey Badger walked by ready to give no fucks to anypony in front of him. By now the guards have been notified of this 'Peasant' and were advancing on his position in a chariot. As soon as Honey Badger laid eyes on that chariot did Honey Badger snap. He jumped in the air like a graceful motherfucker and slashed the reins of the chariot. And who pulling that chariot? Not Motherfucking Honey Badger of course he don't give a shit. As the chariot spun out of control it smashed into Blueblood and exploded in a ball of flames and injured Blueblood even more, but does Honey Bear give a fuck?

Of course not he doesn't give a flying fuck. Shit if Honey Badger was to give a fuck, it'll mean the end of the whole universe and ponykind but he likes the ponies...sometimes. Man, Blueblood is lucky, Honey Badger didn't open a can of whoop-ass, did you know Honey Badger actually lifts? Blueblood is pansy who can't lift for shit, imagine that! Some 'Prince' who can't lift? Which royal family member doesn't lift? Not only that this motherfucker can get drunk off snake venom! You know how hardcore that shit is?

As Honey Badger walked away from the crash site, he was thirsty.

"Excuse me? Where can I find Snake venom?", yup you heard him, crazy ass Honey Badger said, 'Snake venom'.

"O-Over at the Everfree forest, sir.", a frightened passerby said. Shit, he was intimated by Mr. Honey Badger and he knew what Honey Badger can do to him. Send his ass all the way to the moon like Luna turn his ass into a satellite.

Author's Note

I couldn't bear the though of leaving you guys so here's another chapter expect more. And point out any grammar mistakes thanks to who ever Favorited this.

I still regret nothing!

Author's Note

Short chapter, Sorry if I offend anyone! :(

I still regret nothing!

By now you think, Celestia has heard of Honey Badger fucking Blueblood up right? You bet your fucking mustache right. Celestia was in the throne room when the Elements of Harmony walked in. Now this Celestia you think she spoke in a motherly tone? Fuck no.

"Yo, Twilight dawg, words out that there is a mother-fucking Honey Badger throwing down hands here in Canterlot!", Celestia said before covering her mouth with her hoof, eyes widened.

"Damn my voice really sound like that?", Celestia said in the same accent. Right now, the Elements were proccessing, what the fuck happened to their majesty. Why did she sound like a West Philadelphia resident? Why the fuck am I asking you these questions? And why the fuck did Samuel Jackson agree to play a part in Snake on a Plane?

"Umm, Princess Celestia, you voice.", Fluttershy said before hiding behind her beautiful long ass mane. Look at that shit, she's fucking adorable. If she told me to kill someone, I'll do it! No questions asked. Anyways while they were pondering on what happened to Celestia's voice a guard burst into the throne room like he owned that bitch.

"Celestia! It's your nephew! He was attacked!", the guard said through gasps of air.

"Serves that nigga right!", Celestia said before her eyes widened.

"Um, your majesty, what is wrong with your voice?"

"Nothin'!"