Ladies and Gentlemen.
Welcome to the first ever staring contest for the title of The Great and Powerful Grand Champion and Master of Stare contest. I am your host, along with guest judges Jeff the Killer...
" 'Sup bitches."
... Slenderman...
[wave]
... and Pinkiamina Diane "Pinkie" Pie.
"Hi Every pony! Are you all excited, I know I am. I hope I brought enough Cupcakes for everyone!"
"Tell me you didn't use that guy from Russian Sleep Experiment again."
"Nope. I got it from that friendly mouse from Mowgli's Palace, the one with the cheese color blood."
I'm not hungry anymore.
"Not even one bite?"
Do you even know where that suit's been?
"He was a suit?"
*face palm*
Anyway, It looks like the match is about to start so let's head down to the ring. The crowd sure sounds excited for this, the match of the internet century.
Thousands of users; many anons, cheered and commented fiercely as the lights over the ring came to life. A drill sergeant of a referee stepped onto the platform and grabbed the hanging microphone.
"I can't believe you got R. Lee Ermey to be the referee."
Just don't ask how much it was just to have him appear in this story.
"How much was it?"
My entire college career and twenty years after that.
"He doesn't look so tough. I could do that job way better than he could."
[facepalm]
"What?"
"I don't think he's seen Full Metal Jacket, has he Slender?"
[no]
"Good evening scumbags of the Internet! Welcome to Murder Stare 2014!" Gunny shouted into the mic. Hundreds of comments flooded the arena; all quotes from Full Metal Jacket and other notable mentions. "Can it Fruitcakes!" He cleared his throat.
"In this corner, he's a cold-heart killing stack of concrete, the giver of cold shoulders and snapped necks, a look so petrifying it makes Medusa cry home to her mama! Sliding his way to the ring; SCP-173!" Gunny pointed towards the southeast corner as the flood lights came on. Standing in the threshold was a concrete statue with bloodstains splattered all over with green painted eyes and a black mess presuming to be a mouth.
The comments and anons present let out roaring cheers. The lights flickered as SCP-173 made its way towards the stage.
"Looks we got a fan favorite tonight guys."
That's right Pinkie, SCP-173 is well known throughout the Internet as the star in his own video game SCP: Foundation Breach. His hobbies does include stalkings, staring and snapping necks.
"And chewing bubble gum. Unfortunately for our other contender, he's all out of bubble gum." Pinkie added.
I believe that's copyrighted Pink.
"Duke Nukem can kiss my ass for all I care. That guys a pushover."
A comment flies right into the judges box, signed by one Duke Nukem himself and into Jeff's face.
I'll be right back. Some poor bastard out there is gonna die.
"But you're going to miss the match." Pinkie pouted.
I'm sure he'll be back... eventually.
"And in this corner, she's the shyest techni-colored equine this side of the web, sorriest sack of flying glue and won't give a feather about it and one of the bearers of the helements of armory..."
"Elements of Harmony!" Pinkie interrupted.
The comments shouted FMJ lines like there was no tomorrow, hoping that Gunny would recite it live. Unfortunatly for them, he didn't bite and instead corrected himself. He did however seem to have some disgust reading the prompter on the next contestant.
"Fluttershy."
A single spotlight flashed to life on the other side of the ring, were a yellow blur quickly dived behind the corner.
"Go one Fluttershy, they're waiting." A voice echoed from around the corner.
"I can't do it Rainbow. What if they don't like me? What if something bad happens?" A soft reply.
"They're just complete strangers. I'm sure nothing bad will happen- although I don't like the looks of your opponent." A third implied. She poked her lavender head around the corner with a sheepish grin. "One moment please." It quickly disappeared again.
This is going to be a while.
"Relax Writer, I got this one." Pinkie gestured and hopped out of the box.
Several minutes passed when Pinkie returned, along with a couple cupcakes.
You didn't.
"What, these? They're my 'go get 'em Fluttershy' cupcakes. She's making her way in right now."
No Comment
The commenters were having a field day as the yellow Pegasus slowly trotted to the ring, a few of them supporting members of the fanbase as another begging her not to do it- either she was their favorite or secretly their waifu. The other half jeered at the mere presence of a pony and posted rather nasty comments.
"Why does that comment have a yellow cupcake image with Fluttershy's cutie mark- oh." Pinkie stopped. She grabbed a walkie talkie. "Hey Jeff ,when you finish with Nukem, could you take care of..." She squinted to read the commenter's name. "...trollcake_l0l?"
That brat? Sure. I got a bone to pick with that loser anyway. The talkie blared.
"Thanks."
Well it looks like Fluttershy finally made it to the ring.
All attention focused on the three beings assuming their positions on the stage, with the Gunny in the middle. Fluttershy was attempting to be very small whilst hiding behind her mane as 173 coldly looked on, silent.
"Alright, I want a good clean fight. There will be no whining, no crying, no physical engagement of the face, head or neck, no interference from the commenters, no assistance of any kind and finally no Full Metal Jacket references behind my back!" The commenters didn't seem to care much about the last point as they there already too buy bashing either side.
Neither side uttered a response towards Gunny, leaving him to freely leave the ring.
"Alright you sorry sacks of scum, Let's get ready to rumble!" Gunny barked into the hanging microphone and all by the lights overlooking the ring dimmed. One side rooted for the shy and utterly terrified pony as the other the same for the statue; one of them a pony herself holding a sign though her expression was...eh?
Wait, when did Maud get in this story?
"I invited her silly! Plus she's a huge fan of 173." Pinkie replied.
You could have told me sooner- now I have to change the character listing again.
A bit pointless now, don't you think?
She had a twenty dollar admission, didn't she?
...
Okay... It looks like 173 has a commanding lead over Fluttershy...
Fluttershy was still curled behind her mane as 173 towered over her.
...Well, this is a tad anti-climatic.
"The match or this story?"
-Two hundred minutes later-
Most of the commenters had already lost interest in the match, noting most had a large AFK on their chat boxes and were either having something to eat or wanking off something else entirely.
"Another cupcake?" Pinkie offered.
It's not the Mickey suit, is it?
"No. Just a plain chocolate."
Is this over yet? I got other appointments this evening.
Go on ahead, I don't think you'll miss much anyway. In an instant, Slender blinked away causing a second of static in the live viewing audience's connection.
Both contenders continued on, both not giving ground. 173 just kept standing there, overlooking his potential kill but couldn't do a thing about it unless she blinked.
Was she even looking at him anyway?
OH FOR F**K SAKE, SOMEONE BLINK ALREADY!! Jeff shouted through the walkie.
"Hi Jeffy!" Pinkie shouted back, a high pitch whine blaring through the headset. The reverbelation of her high pitched voice had suddenly shattered the light shining over the stage, enveloping the entire arena in complete darkness. "Hey, who turned out the lights?"
You did, you stupid horse.
"I'm not a horse, I'm a pony. Get your animals straight Jeffy."
There was a sudden commotion coming from the ring just as the emergency lights came up, and the result shocked the entire arena and though tuned in.
At the center of the stage was a large pile of rubble, with green and red fragments scattered around the sandstone color base. You would never believe who was sitting right on top of it all.
We have a...winner?
That shy scardy baby won?! HOW THE F**K DID THAT HAPPEN?! Jeff was stunned.
"Fluttershy wins! She is our new master of stares!" Pinkie voice trailed off as a sudden flood of commenters bum-rushed the ring; all advid supporters of the pony. Thousands returning from AFK were just as stunned as Jeff when they say the stream and were livid.
One commenter went as far as to blame the hosts for-
Hey, hey hey! We had nothing to do with the blackout, or Fluttershy winning.
"Oh that's not Fluttershy." Pinkie interupted.
...
What.
"Yeah, the real Fluttershy couldn't make it out of Baltimore in time so I got us a replacement."
Who?
"Fluttershout."
The Fluttershy in the ring pulled out a red and white Suess hat from under her wing and placed it back atop her head as her right iris turned red. A posted note with a fake cutie mark fell off, exposing the element of insanity's true nature.
You didn't tell us sooner?!
"It was short notice."
We had this event posted three months ago!
"Well excuse me if Andrea Libman was booked long before this. It's not like I'm her."
Does it matter right now? I still want to know why she won instead of the statue. I had two grand on him!
"Oh, its simple really." A new voice entered the call. "We rigged it from the start."
"Oh look it's me!" Pinkie turned around.
"I am Pinkis Cupcake!"
Oh no... You're not suppose to be here till the fourth installment.
"I will eat you!"
*zap* What'd I miss?
-End-
Author's Note
There we are, another crappy one-shot that took too long to do and too little an effort to care.
Ya happy now, Changeling-drone & Deadman123?
"I don't think they're even there Codex."
Which one's this? Cupcake Pinkie or Pinkis Cupcake?
*nom*
Guess that answers that.
