Valhalla?

by Kumei

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6, Other
Length: 4834

Sigfrid loves violence and murder. Applejack likes to keep her head. One day they meet, chaos ensues. What follows is months of rigorous "reformation" of Sigfrid so he may be presented at the Grand Galloping Gala, what could possibly go wro

Sigfrid is a fierce viking warrior, so what happens when he's greeted by colorful, small, demon horses? Good thing he speaks the universal language: Axe-to-face.

Applejack is a hard working, honest farm pony doing her morning chores when she sees a strange creature almost as big as an Ursa, but without any fur. She tries to communicate, but quickly learns his customary greeting. Twilight, of course, is mortified.

Author's note: On Hiatus for lack of inspiration, I guess. I'll get back to this when I do, don't hold your breaths.

Published 2014-11-03 17:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-20 00:11:35 UTC

Humans, in my Equestria? Not likely!

Sigfrid liked axes. Like, really liked. In fact, one could go so far as to say that if he was any more in love with axes, he'd have found a way to animate them in horrible axe-golems and he'd just rule a village of them, but of course he's never thought about that on long, uneventful days when there weren't any raids going on, and the metal-smith wouldn't let him in the forge that day or let him buy another whetstone. That would be absurd. No really, he doesn't. Probably. Anyway, if there was one thing he loved besides his family and mead and gallons and gallons of freshly spilled blood, it would be gallons and gallons of spilled blood! Or maybe not so much the blood, but making it was plenty enjoyable by him and he'd often work to such a level of excitement as to single-handedly row the ship across the channel to the next raiding location, or back from in some cases. They made terrible time, when this happened, and his fellow warriors often convinced him pretty quickly that he needed help, at least two other people rowing they'd say, and he'd finally cave and accept their assistance. Yes, Sigfrid sure loved violence and the instruments therein. But not as much as his family, he'll be sure to remind you.

In any case, one night during a feast celebrating and simultaneously wishing luck for the next settlement raid, the man found himself alone, out in the cool night air. He remarked to himself that it was going to start getting cold again soon, and noticed with strange peculiarity that the full moon seemed to be ringed by four bright stars, and it seemed to have a dark figure embedded in its surface. Sigfrid blinked quickly, and found nothing out of the ordinary, so he decided it must be his imagination, that it was surely just the copious amounts of mead he'd had already, and walked back into the Great Hall to rejoin the festivities with a great smile. In but a fortnight, they'd have supplies aplenty once again, and food nigh everlasting.

Just under a week later, Sigfrid and thirteen of his strongest warriors waited, scattered around a large settlement in a wooded area. All of them were waiting, anticipation running high as they looked on at the town in the glowing light of the moon. Waiting impatiently and excitedly. Waiting for the signal they had all come to recognize as the single most terrifying thing to hear in the dead of night in their warm beds, the signal which lead the charge in the field, and simultaneously alerted the warriors of an invading force in the night. Eventually, after what seemed to be an eternity after the last flickering candles light was extinguished in the last house, Sigfrid grinned. A great, wide, toothy grin that belied his battle-lust. He grinned, raised his enormous great axe and began spinning it in a circle above his head with one hand, while a low, slow roar began to rumble in his chest, gradually growing in pitch and volume as his axe simultaneously whistled and whined through the newly split air. Still roaring, ever louder, he charged forward out of the woods with a crash as one of the medium sized trees fell to the ground. The signal given, thirteen additional voices lent themselves to the cool, still night, seemingly ever louder, as the invaders charged inward towards the center of the village. Some men and women got right to work, storming through wooden houses and relieving the inhabitants of their lives, while others ignited their torches to burn some of the larger and less residential buildings. Sigfrid himself, finally returning his breath, got to work hacking at buildings and any of the bleary-eyed defenders who came stumbling out from the guard barracks alike, with the apparent ease which a hot sword might cleave through a ceremonial banner pulled taut.

After a few minutes, or perhaps an hour, it was always difficult to tell time during times like these for Sigfrid, he found himself in a very smoky great hall, squaring off against the village chief and his personal guard, well the half of them who were intact. The hall itself, in addition to the raging fire around them, had a number of splintered timber supports and shattered stone pillars, with blood and bodies everywhere. The three remaining guards stood at the far end of the hall, while a winded and battered Sigfrid stood in the center of the great building, blood flowing from a number of wounds in his arms and legs, and one particularly nasty looking gash in his abdomen. It wasn't the worst he'd had, but that didn't make it any less painful, which was evident enough to the opposing chief when the enormous bear of a man took a number of glancing hits before finishing off the guards.

Spattered in blood that was only mostly his, Sigfrid could only smile at the lone man he now towered over. "It's over for you, old man, taste my axe!" he cried, swinging mightily with both hands, cleaving clean through timber and stone, before he stepped forward and followed up with a backhanded swing upwards that sent the villages chief's head sailing into the air and left the humongous axe lodged firmly into the rafters of the great hall. After a couple of seconds of admiring the bloody fountainous stump on the slumping corpse before it collapsed under it's weight, he grunted and pulled at his axe, which the roof released with a series of cracks and groans, which Sigfrid noticed too late signaled the imminent collapse of the hall. Too many supports were damaged, whether by axe, hammer, or fire, to support the weight any longer. As the walls crumbled inward and the ceiling fell, Sigfrid could swear he heard a faint laughter coming from everywhere at once, as though taunting him, to which he responded by throwing his chest out and his head back and roaring at the top of his lungs.

In the town, most of the other raiders were finishing up the slaughter at the village when they began hearing loud cracking noises from the Great Hall, and they stopped to stare as the vaulted roof began to sag, and finally buckle downwards through the fire. A section of wall collapsed near the deep end of the hall, away from the entrance, and just before the roof finished caving in they saw a horrifying dark figure in the inferno, not unlike a man, if a man were near to eight feet tall and could howl like the foulest beast of Niflheim. They even saw that as the roof collapsed, a section seemed to stop for a second before falling to the ground, where the hellish figure was seen to be standing. It was a while before the terrible cry was no longer heard ringing through the settlement, and the proud warriors realized with a heavy heart that Sigfrid, who had singlehandedly defended his family from the great bear whose pelt he had worn when he was but ten winters old, with naught but a light throwing axe and a short sword, had perished. When the men and women had finally dug through the rubble, they found nothing but the charred corpses of the violated settlements chief and his guard, with no sign of their own chief save for carved gashes in the stone floor in places.

Sigfrid groaned. His whole body ached, and he was pretty sure that wet feeling wasn't just his sweat. After a few aeons of agony, he opened his eyes to be nearly blinded by a too-bright and colourful forest, no, orchard. The enormous man forced his eyes open again and struggled to his feet, using a nearby tree for support. After taking a few moments to catch his breath, he discovered that the sun was rising. He grimaced at the golden light shining over the horizon for a few moments before he picked up his axe, which had been laying next to him, and used it to aid in his shambling journey towards the sunrise, hoping that it would lead him towards somewhere familiar, perhaps a river or even the sea where he might get his bearings. After walking for a few minutes, he heard a few voices fade in, though he couldn't understand any of the words. He immediately became suspicious, he had no idea where he was or what he was near, who knew what these people were like, so he figured the best plan would be to assume they liked newcomers almost half as well as his village did, and attacked on sight. With a little effort, he found he could walk without the aid of his axe, so he could keep it at the ready for a counter-attack if needed. A few more minutes, and he could see a clearing, no, a path, and the voices seemed to be coming from the path, though he still couldn't understand their words, they must be speaking a different language than his own. He crept along more cautiously now, taking care to not step on fallen branches or anything of the sort, and keeping always in the shadows behind the trees, though this meant that he could not see his potential assailants just as they wouldn't see him.

Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike were walking along the trail, the orange and purple mares each with filled baskets of apples and talking jovially. After a short time, Spike belched a jet of flames that materialized into a scroll sealed with the Princess's mark, and as he read it out he revealed that contained within the scroll was two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala, to which Applejack became very excited about, and began describing what she would do if she got to go. "An' we could finally fix that saggin' roof! And we could finally replace that saggin' plow for Big Mac! An' we could finally replace Granny Smith's saggin' hip!" And she went on, working herself up nearly to a frenzy over these tickets when suddenly a great brown and grey blur jumped out from behind a tree, screaming like a banshee, and in that fell swoop cleaved her orange head clean from her body, which fell with an audible thud to the ground, spraying a red jet across the dirt path. Twilight screamed and threw Spike to the ground as what appeared to be a great bear with a misshapen, bald face and no fur on it's arms or legs stood upright and readied a massive axe, turning it's attention to her. She screamed again and fired a bolt of force energy at the weapon, knocking it from the beast's great paws, and then encircling it in a purple bubble. Breathing a shaky breath of relief, adrenaline pumping and heart pounding, she hastily told Spike to send a letter to the Princess.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Please help! A monstrous creature has just murdered Applejack, I have it contained for now, it looks gravely wounded, and it keeps shouting things that sound like words, but I can't understand it! Please, Princess, I need you here right now!

Your distressed student,

Twilight Sparkle

Well, excuse me Princess Celestia!

Sigfrid was just about to turn his great axe upon the orange monster's horned friend when the heavy steel instrument was forcibly wrenched from his firm grip. Before he could react, the whole, too colourful world was suddenly washed out in shades and tints of purple. Recovering soon after that, the enormous man began pounding on the sphere's boundary. Left fist, right fist, left fist, both fists, and it went on. He at one point attempted headbutting it, and achieving no apparent result, continued raging against the sturdy barrier with his fists.

Twilight struggled to keep the barrier up, this was one of the first times she had actually used it to contain something, and certainly the first time anything had tried to break out from within with such ferocity. She grunted in exertion, sparks flying from her horn as the bubble continued to take a beating, and she could almost feel it crack. Reflexively, the unicorn shrunk the ferocious and obviously confused creature's prison, creating less volume within for it to move, but more importantly giving her less surface to maintain, which she was immediately grateful for.

The bear of a man continued to struggle, despite now being collapsed, it felt like, into a space only barely enough to allow for his movement. After a few minutes, he was becoming sluggish in his struggles, both from his previous injuries and his renewed effort. Finally, he slumped in the odd, purple bubble, glaring at the horned creature below him, paying no heed to the little dragon who was crying hysterically. Suddenly, there was a flash of light that, even shrouded by purple, Sigfrid could tell was gold. When the light faded, there was a tall white figure, almost as tall as Sigfrid, but of similar build to the strange creature beneath him. The newcomer had a long, pointed horn and great wings which stretched at least as far out as his arms. Atop her head sat a tall, thin crown of gold with a large, purple gem set in the center of it. Around it's neck was a large gold necklace with similar gems set in it, and it's mane was like a strange, flowing multicolour spatter of light blues, pinks, and greens. All in all, it exuded influence and power, and despite the strange appearance Sigfrid couldn't help but shudder a bit in awe.

After taking in the scene, the tall one, who had a picture of the sun on it's flank, spoke to the smaller purple one in a muffled voice, though Sigfrid wouldn't have understood it anyway. It then turned to him more fully, and glared into his eyes with a stare that he swore would have defeated each of his villager's resolve in but seconds, and spoke once more, this time it amplified it's voice within the sphere so that he could hear what it had to say, despite still holding no understanding of it. It spoke a few more times, in what he assumed were different languages, and he realized that the tall one was a woman. Finally she sighed visibly and spoke something again to the small one, and he was unceremoniously dropped to the ground. The tall one again approached him, this time bending her head down and touching the long, spiral horn to the crown of his head.

A few minutes later, the rest of the Elements arrived, and Twilight had a hard time finding the words for what was happening. Finally, she spoke, "Girls, I... I have some bad n-news..." She began, tears beginning again to stream down her face. "Applejack is... She's... We won't be seeing much of her anymore..." At this, the other four gasped while Twilight plodded a few steps to where she had covered the body with a white tarp. "I'm s-sure you're wondering why the Princess is here, and what that *thing*** is..." A deep breath while the air tingled in anticipation, "It... k-killed her... and the Princess wouldn't... I couldn't... I... I don't..." She took another deep breath as she wiped her eyes, "I think that the Princess is in it's mind. It seemed really confused when she asked him what it was doing, so she told me to drop it and that about brings us to now..." Twilight sniffled, "It just jumped out of nowhere and then she was dead! Just..." She broke down crying, while the rest of the Elements surrounded her and tried to console her.

"Girls," Princess Celestia said, "I need you to listen to me. What happened today was terrible, but I need you girls to look after this one. He's not from here, and while that does not excuse his actions, I feel that we can't just leave him to fend for himself, and we certainly can't have him murdering anypony else."

"B-but Princess..." Twilight started, "Why can't we just banish him? Or imprison him? Or banish him to a-"

"Twilight, I understand how you must feel. I have a feeling that this will all make sense soon, until then, please help him learn our ways. You may even learn to enjoy his company, even if you can't forgive him."

"Princess, surely you don't mean for one of us to house this brute? And so close to other ponies?"

"Be at ease, Rarity, I feel like the one most qualified to handle this 'brute' is Fluttershy, who is far from most of Ponyville. In addition, I shall send a scrying mirror so that if something bad happens, I can be there quickly, so you needn't worry for your safety or the safety of your animals. As a thank you for your help, I shall give each of you a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala, where we will see if he truly deserves our trust." Celestia smiled at the ponies, most of whom still slackjawed from the ordeal. She then pulled from thin air a small circular mirror which shimmered slightly in the sun and gave it to Fluttershy, who nodded somewhat blankly and accepted the trinket.

With that, the Princess departed, taking off with a powerful leap and a flap of her wings, leaving the ponies, dragon, and human standing somewhat dumbfounded. After a pause, the massive man cleared his throat and turned towards the rest and knelt down, fist across his chest and his head down solemnly, and spoke.

"Mitt namn är Sigfrid björnen-arm, jag ber om ursäkt för mina handlingar. Jag hoppas en dag vi kan gå förbi detta."

Everything you know, with ponies.

The large man trudged through the streets, alien still to the ponies of Ponyville, despite nearly six weeks of residence. Doors still shut as he passed, windows slammed, and a general feeling of discontent seemed to follow him. With a great sigh, Sigfrid continued his way to Sweet Apple Acres to help with the chores, for reasons fairly obvious, namely Big Mac's strained shoulder.

After about fifteen minutes, he passed the main gates on the road to the farm, and immediately began working. The sun was up, but had only been since he departed from Fluttershy's cottage not quite an hour ago. Normally he would have been at Twilight's library for his lessons, but she had become satisfied in his linguistic capabilities at least for now, and gave him a day off before she started her next topic, so he figured he'd get some extra time helping the Apples to try to get on their good side. Today was the day, he told himself, that they would at least trust him with a hand ax for self defense in the forest, he was sure of it.

As noon broke, nearly the entire southeastern quadrant had been harvested, due mostly to the Viking's efforts, though Big Mac refused to stand by, helpless, and even Apple Bloom tried to help. As he wiped his brow clean from sweat, he approached the old mare who had carefully watched his every move on the farm for the last month and a half.

"Miss Smith," Sigfrid began, "I mean Granny, I have something I would like... to discuss." After a moment of carefully eyeing the lumbering man, Granny Smith finally let out a breath and nodded.

"Sure, why don'tcha join us fer lunch? Ah reckon y'got an appetite a'brewin, ain'tcha? Now, Ah won't take 'no' fer an answer, Ah'll hear ye out over some grub, an' we'll just see if ye kin get what yer after." Sigfrid spent just a moment as though he were going to object, but finally nodded in resignation, and followed the three by-now familiar ponies back to the house as they broke for lunch.

The meal was awkward, and the four sat in silence that seemed only to be broken by the occasional crunch of the crisp cucumbers or the occasional slurp of water, while the tension was nearly visible between the near-bear of a man and the old pony's eyes, an unspoken conversation evidently waging between them. Finally, Granny Smith blinked with a sigh. "Go ahead, take yer little axes with ye, ain't gonna do ye much more good than a couple a heavy sticks or rocks, we had 'em dulled fer safety, but ye shouldn't be agoin' out to that forest with nothin' but yer brawn and wits. Ye'll return 'em afore sunset, I trust ye'll see to that much at least."

Sigfrid clapped his hands together, then thumped his chest heavily with a fist as he gave a slight bow. "Thank you, Granny, I'll not let you regret this decision."

The timberwolf snarled as the dull hand ax crashed through another layer of  natural armour, skidding to a stop after it landed from it's pounce.  The other three timberwolves began moving in, all of a mind to simply overrun their prey, who simply roared back, sinking into a low stance, axes nearly dragging on the tall grass.

The next wolf pounced, and Sigfrid stepped to the side to crash his ax into it's side, only to have to fall back and roll another wolf off him, as it took his apparent distraction for an opportunity. The viking rolled back to his feet, beginning to get frustrated, how was he supposed to kill them when the only opportunities they presented were covered by their pack?

After a few more minutes of the deadly dance, Sigfrid finally met a charge with a fist, following up with a devastating downward slam with his other ax, at least buying a little time with one fewer creature while it sorted out where it was again. All of the combatants by this point were fairly battered, though the huge human had proven quite resilient and had managed to at least match every blow with ferocious swings and seeming to only grow stronger with every connecting swipe.

The next wolf steeled itself and pounced, only to be met with a swift kick connecting firmly into it's snout while another crushing blow rained down upon his next would-be assailant, only to be caught off guard by a third which made a ragged gash across his arm. The man roared again, and again he renewed his ferocity as he rained heavy blows left and right, when suddenly a brown and white blur shot by, taking a timberwolf with it. Rather than question it, Sigfrid simply took it as an advantage suddenly turned unfair, as he simply began tearing the remaining wolves apart, with no apparent regard to his increasing injury count.

Snapping limbs, crushing torsos, and just plain carnage filled the final few minutes of fighting, as absolutely no attempt at mercy or other such minor niceties were afforded to the wooden monsters, their wooden pieces simply being crushed to splinters at best. Finally, no quadruped remained, save for the creature who was now approaching him, who probably was the one who swooped into the fray in a blur of brown and white, and now that he took the time to look, he noticed that it was nothing he'd seen to this point, certainly never in person.

There, practically prancing to him, was a creature with the head, wings, feathers and forefeet of a great eagle, and the body and tail of a lion or other such big cat. Finally, it spoke, revealing to be a female. "Well aren't you an interesting creature, bet you're glad I came along when I did, huh? Doesn't look like you were doing too well before then!"

Sigfrid had no idea who this Griffin was, but immediately realized that she had the mind of a warrior, one he could relate to. "No, I was doing fine, I had them all under control, but I thank you anyway, it would have taken a while longer had you not distracted them. I'm Sigfrid, and it goes without saying I don't belong here."

The griffin chuckled, looking him up and down. "Hah! As if, you'd totally have been Timberwolf chow if I didn't 'distract them,' and you know it!" She laughed a while longer, trying to brush a small patch of blood out of her feathers before continuing. "Anyway, the name's Pr- erm, I mean Gilda. Say, you seem like you've still got some fight in ya, You wanna go a round or two with me? It's been too long since I could properly blow off some steam, and I feel like you'll be much better than anypony in Ponyville, so how about it?"

Sigfrid smirked. "You're on, Gilda, if I win I get to say I totally saved you're butt from these matchsticks!"

"Hah, as if! When you lose, I'm gonna tell everypony that there was only one, and you needed my help or else you'd have been worm food!"

They both narrowed their eyes at each other, good spirits never leaving their faces, and spoke simultaneously: "Deal."

Rainbow Dash was flying around, practicing some simple tricks idly as the Everfree Forest passed beneath her. She was looking for somepony, well, somebody. She knew she wouldn't miss her, it's hard to miss the only griffin in the area, even from afar, and she really should've been here by now, but maybe she got lost, yeah, that's it. It's gotta be it, she doesn't come out to Ponyville often, so she may have just taken a wrong turn, or maybe she wanted to check the scenery out on her way?

Suddenly, the rainbow-trailed pegasus heard some sounds... like metal clinking off stone... a single scream, was that...?

"Gilda, hang in there! I'm coming for you!" Rainbow Dash shouted, entering a steep dive towards the forest below.

An ax swung wild after being knocked aside into an unearthed boulder, not that the defender came out unscathed even after the deflection. The griffon cried out, blood slowly flowing from yet another wound, though the huge man before her was hardly any better off. She was actually pretty impressed that he was still standing, with all the blood he was loosing and all the gashes he sported.

Suddenly, a shout from above, a familiar voice to both combatants, though only barely heard.

"Oh by the beak of-" Gilda began, before Sigfrid took advantage of her temporary distraction, hooking a leg in the beard of his ax and pulling her front leg wide before he swept the other leg the same direction with a powerful kick. Gilda landed on her shoulder with a [i[thud as the viking's other ax hooked the first leg once more, pulling her onto her back. He held his arm high, cold steel, wet with his own blood, glinting in the sun, as he brought it down mightily into the ground next to the griffon's head.

"Gilda, are you o- SIGFRID! GET AWAY FROM HER YOU MONSTER!" Sigfrid barely had enough time to glance to his right before a blue blur ripped him from the ground and slammed him into a tree. "WHAT! THE BUCK! IS WRONG! WITH YOU!" Every pause was accentuated with a hoof to his chest or face, when the crazed mare was interrupted.

"Dash, it's fine," A bloodied Gilda stood, panting heavily, "it was just a friendly sparring match. Say, big boy," she turned her head slightly to look at the human to wink, "Was it good for you?"

Sigfrid coughed, turning his head to avoid spewing flecks of crimson on Rainbow Dash's blue fur, before snickering his response, "Hah, you know it, I just wish you could've held out a little longer so I could have had a bit more fun!" He laughed at that, Gilda trying to hid a small blush while she stammered something about being distracted. "Say, Dash," he continued, after another coughing fit racked his body, "You mind taking me back to Ponyville? I think I should probably get some of this looked at, especially the broken ribs you probably just gave me."

This time it was Dash's turn to blush, before Gilda spoke up. "No, it's fine, you may have won but you're still worse off than I am, I'll take you there. I was on my way there anyway, just climb on my back."

Sigfrid nodded, and after Rainbow Dash finally let go of him, he strode somewhat uneasily to Gilda, and half fell onto her back as he finally let himself rest. It had been a good day, after all, even if Granny Smith was probably going to kill him when he woke up... wherever he woke up. Eyes heavy, the last thing Sigfrid heard was Gilda, softly "shh"ing him as she took off with her large wings.

Gilda Gets Along

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Building Bridges

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