Derpy Writes Erotic Poetry; Twilight Gets to Deal With It

by Super Trampoline

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance
Length: 2496

They say you should follow your heart, and for Derpy Hooves, that means shipping the Mane Six in a rhyming and very carnal fashion. However, it turns out Twilight has done some shipping of her own...

They say you should follow your heart, and for Derpy Hooves, that means shipping the Mane Six in a rhyming and very carnal fashion. However, it turns out Twilight has done some shipping of her own...

If you only want poorly written rhyming smut, stick to the first chapter.

TRIGGER WARNING: poorly written rhyming smut

Featured on Equestria After Dark on 6/22/14. I feel honored, and that's not sarcasm.

Published 2014-06-11 21:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-13 15:38:29 UTC

The Awful Attempt

Twilight sighed. "Derpy, do I have to read this?"

"Well, Ms. Twilight, I know you're an expert on words, so I thought maybe you could tell me your thoughts on it. But if you're too busy or something..."

"No, no, no, it's fine. Let's see what you have here..."

Twilight did like Rarity, and so she said to her:
“Rarity, I like you, in a naughty, naughty way;
Let’s make love at midnight and keep on ‘til the next day.”
Rarity was flattered and quite horny, so said “Sure!”
So they grooved and they screwed and they fornicated and they copulated
And they danced and they fucked in the hay.

This romp in the hay was in Applejack’s barn.
In AJ’s barn there was lots of hay to be found of course,
And they scissored and licked ‘til their throats were horse.
And in the morning AJ found them, and they said “Darn!”
But Applejack was secretly a lesbian also,
So she joined them without a single bit of remorse.

So the three of them were having an orgy, when who did appear?
Apple Bloom walked in on them, and she’s like,
“I didn’t know my sister and her friends were dykes.
Know what, forget you all. This is NOT my problem.”
And she went off to try to get a cutie mark in riding a trike.

It was breakfast time, and the three mares parted ways.
Rarity went back to stabbing Trenderhoof with a knife,
Applejack decided it was time to tell AB about the miracle of life,
And Twilight decided to do more research on gays.
But they all agreed to rejoin for an encore
and to also invite Shining's wife.

So the very next day after showers,
The three mares once again came together,
As did the one controlling the weather,
Because we all know Rainbow Dash fights for gay power.
And Cadance, being the princess of love,
Arrived with a marefriend named Heather.

Then the six of them sat in a roundish shape
And they fiddled their cooches 'til they were quite wet.
This was sure to be a night of debauchery they would never forget.
Then Heather reached into her backpack and grabbed some tape.
She said "I'm also into bondage, if any of you are turned on."
The wings of Cadance, Twilight, and Dash spread wide
Because they wanted to tie up the mare they just met.

So they duct taped her to the ceiling,
Then repeatedly rammed a rubber dildo up her ass.
And she screamed and she moaned as the mass
Of rubber intensified the pleasure she was feeling.
Twilight had to use magic for this, because the
Wings of the Pegasi and Alicorns were still reeling.

And as she fucked Heather so sweetly
And made her squirt buckets of cum
All the ponies below licked up some.
Cadance lit up a joint and was completely
Baked while she fucked her pussy with Rarity's horn,
And Rarity herself was drunk on rum.

Now once Heather's rear had been hammered quite well
Twilight opened up a big cardboard box
And in it she found chains, collars, cuffs, and locks.
It was Big Mac's, as far as Applejack could tell.
Twilight stared in awe at all the equipment there
And wished she could suck on some horse cocks.

AJ took a few lengths of chain and wrapped them around
Twilight's hooves, putting her in a hog tie of sorts.
and into her mouth the farm mare stuffed Dash's boxer shorts,
And chained up Twilight's turgid wingboner, and sure enough the alicorn frowned
Because she was used to being the one in the dominant position,
And she was afraid that from Dash she'd get genital warts.

Now Pinkie and Flutters I'm sure you have found
Are not in this story; there's a reason for that.
They were currently fucking in an empty industrial vat,
So you see that's why they're not around.
And boy, do they go wild when with lots of ponies
Especially when working with urine or scat.

And it happens, that right around now,
Big Mac had just finished milking the cows...

Twilight set the paper down. "Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I can't do this."

The mailmare looked like she was about to cry. "It's that bad, huh? I knew I should have stuck to my other hobby."

Twilight smiled. "Now, Derpy, this isn't really that bad; in fact I'm kind of morbidly curious as to what cums next. And the rhyme scheme is quite unique. I don't know if I've ever read a poem with ABBACB stanzas. It's just that, well..."

Author's Note

Would you like to see the full unabridged poem in all its badness?

The Awkward Aftermath

"Look Derpy, almost all of Ponyville loves you. We know you don't always think quite straight, but you're one of the sweetest and kindest mares I know, with a beautiful love of living. That's pretty awesome, really. Unfortunately, I don't think you're cut out to write rhyming poetry--or, well, at least not yet. The content has potential. It's the structure of this poem that's really a pussy-drier for me; that's why I stopped prematurely. Would you like me to tell where I think you need to improve?"

"Oh, that would be wonderful!" the gray mare replied, trotting in place excitedly.

"Okay, well first of all, you need to go into more detail. Like for example, Heather, taped to the ceiling, getting pegged with a dildo? That's hot stuff. But it's already over after a stanza and a half. You have to engage your readers with longer descriptions. Tell us about the noises she was making. How long did this go on? What did Twilight, I mean 'I' get out of it? Sex is a very intense experience, and so your description should be too. I'm sure you've heard about using all six senses. Be descriptive. Now, I could tell that sometimes, the rhyming was making it hard for you to say what you wanted to say. I'll come back to that in a minute.

"The next thing I want to to talk about is meter. Meter is, to put it simply, the flow of the poem. This poem's meter however, is all over the place; you use different word stresses and number of syllables in every line. That makes it very hard to read in a smooth consistent manner, pulling the reader out of immersion. Literature is all about immersion. I have a few books on meter and prosody you can borrow if you like to help you out, but I actually don't think you should, which I'll explain in a second.

"As I said before, your poem seems to suffer from being forced to rhyme. For example, Cadance getting high and Rarity getting drunk had little to do with the sex, and I suspect they were thrown in only to complete rhymes."

Derpy looked down sadly. "Yeah, pretty much."

Twilight patted her on the shoulder with a wing. "It's okay. Rhyming can do that to you. You're forced to compromise your vision. That's why I'm an advocate of giving up rhyming, and going free verse."

"Free verse?"

"Yeah, free verse. When you aren't trying to fit a meter, the fact that there isn't one becomes less distracting, and you don't have to force awkward rhymes into your poem."

"Oh, wow, thank you so much for helping me Princess! And you're not offended by me writing about you and your friends having sex?"

Twilight giggled. "Please. This is vanilla. Last week Rainbow made me read a story involving the Wonderbolts, pie, and urethral sounding. That didn't go over so well. Anyway, let me show you something." Twilight trotted over to a locked cabinet and magicked it open. Inside were dozen of papers stacked upon each other. Twilight pulled one out and began to read it.

I tenderly run my hoof against her dugs, tantalizing her, generating sharp icy gasps of arousal.
She flares her wings out, driven by the lusty passions I awaken in her heart and loins.
I too am wet, and my acrid juices drift across her nostrils, leading her to say:
"Fuck me, my sweet lover. I want you. I need you. Please, take me now."

Derpy raised her eyebrows, impressed. "And you have more like this?"

Twilight blushed, flicking her ears back. "Well, yeah. It's kind of one of the many hobbies of mine. Collecting them that is. Definitely not writing."

Derpy scanned the juicy missive. She noticed something at the top had been redacted. Very poorly too; more like scribbled out. "Dear...Princess Celestia?" the mailmare read aloud. There was more crossed out below: "I wrote you a... kind of hard to read, but I think that's poem about us. I hope...I can't read this part and that you like, maybe? it." The lightbulb clicked on. "Ohhhhh, this is a letter to the princess, your mentor, your... you have a crush on Celestia!" she declared proudly.

Twilight gasped, puffing out her cheeks and covering her mouth with a hoof. "No! You're not supposed to know that. That's top secret. Please, give me that back."

Derpy held the parchment away from the librarian. "Twilight, this is great! This is right up my alley. This is my other hobby you know."

Twilight was sweating oceans. "Um, holding papers away from ponies that need them?"

Derpy smirked. "Nope. Get educated, filly. Five days a week, I deliver letters and packages, but on the weekends, I ship."

"Buh?" was all that managed to drip out of Twilight's mouth.

Fortunately, the awkward silence was shooed away by Spike entering the room. "Oh, hi Derpy. Thanks for fixing me up with Sweetie!"

Twilight continued to stand there with a look of horror on her face. "I... am so confused... and, um..." She snapped out of it. "Wait, what? Uh, Spike aren't you and Sweetie both a bit young for dating?" Twilight asked, growing annoyed at this onslaught of strange information.

"Yeah," Spike replied, deflated. "The date's not for two and a half years."

Derpy had used this distraction to steal the rest of the papers from the cabinet and stuffed them in a manila folder. "Oh, Spike!" she sang-songed.

Twilight gasped. "No! Don't! Don't you dare." It was too late. In a move of unusual grace, Derpy threw the folder to Spike, who lit it up in a ball of green flame.

Twilight looked like she was about to cry. She turned to Spike and Derpy. "You monsters," she mouthed angrily. "Derpy, that was my private cabinet. I showed you that out of trust. And Spike, you promised
to keep my crush a secret. Now Celestia is probably going to disown me as a mentor and a princess and and and..."

Before she could wallow anymore, Spike clutched his stomach and burped out what looked to be a note hastily scrawled on scratch paper.

You. Me. ~~Fuck. Now.~~ Let's sit down and discuss this interesting new revelation. Meet me at the castle.

~Celestia

Twilight stared at the missive in her hoof, slack jawed and flabbergasted. "Did... Did you just set me up on a date... with Celestia?"

Derpy lowered her upside down glasses. "Shippers gonna ship."

The Awesome Addendum: The Rest of the Poem

After Twilight winked out to Canterlot and Derpy left to update her shipping chart, Spike found himself alone, confused. What just happened? he wondered, walking over the writing desk upon which sat Derpy's poem. He idly picked it up, preparing to read. Yeah, technically he wasn't an adult yet, and so wasn't supposed to read it, but he was thirteen. He was a teenager now. How bad could it be? Surely he could handle thi...--Sweet Luna, they're doing WHAT to Heather? His eyes scanned the lines, his heart beating faster and faster as his face contorted into an expression of horror. When Big Mac entered the scene (and the mares), he quit. "Nope, fuck this shit. I'm out. I need a tea party with Sweetie or a petting zoo or a cotillion guide or ANYTHING to get THAT out of my head." He threw the paper over his shoulder in disdainful disgust, and it floated down gentle to the ground, where we, dear readers, could clearly see where we left off:

And it happens, that right around now,
Another pony decided to enter the fray
Big Macintosh hadn't gotten any action at all today.
And he had then just finished milking the cows
After squeezing the milk out of an udder
He wanted to squeeze his own semen out and get laid.

So Macintosh opened the barn doors wide, and the mares' legs wider still.
The sunlight shown on their magical orgy of bliss
But the red pony noticed there was something very amiss.
There were far too many fertile fields for one stallion to till.
So Macintosh ran with his earth pony strength up to Canterlot
To grab Shining armor, a good friend of his.

When the two well-endowed stallions returned to the place
Shining and Cadance winked at each other,
Then Rarity stuck her horn in the mouth of Twi's brother,
And Heather sat on Big Macintosh's very red face.
He felt his stallionhood rising to salute, and needed a place to jam it.
Indeed, it was times like this he most missed his mother.

This orgy went on for many hours, with breaks--of course--for tea
The barn stunk to high heaven with the sweat of riled up horses.
At six they all took a break for a dinner in four courses,
Then they went straight back to bucking each other instead of apple trees.
And the shouts of climax and joy filled the night air
As the ponies gave in to the carnal Dionysian forces.

Big Macintosh moaned at the center of it all
Surrounded by shrieking mares with sticky fish-smelling manes.
He had a quite amusing question enter his brain:
If Shining is pinning Twilight--his dick in her ass--against the wall
While I'm eating out Applejack's quite engorged pussy,
Which is better, the princest or wincest we've obtained?

Derpy, meanwhile was trotting away happily, already plotting her next lewd poem about snogging.