Alicorn Insertion Protocol
Three weeks before the wedding of Princess Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash...
An unearthly silence fell over the dining hall, which was empty, save for two princesses and a terrified mailmare, who was currently flying away from the scene as fast as possible. Princess Celestia calmly sipped her tea, watching her former student peruse what seemed like a very aggravating letter. Twilight was still terrible at hiding her emotions, and it was clear right now that she was about to explode with the fury of a thousand suns—possibly literally.
It was for this reason Celestia had cast a triple layered total barrier and thermal insulation spell over the tea kettle.
"...WHAT?!" yelled Twilight, having re-read the letter twice, just to make sure she hadn't ingested a fatal dose of poison joke. She opened her mouth again, but no sound came out. Instead, she just gestured wildly at the piece of paper levitating in front of her.
"I—but—that—GUH!" Twilight let out an annoyed huff, and slammed the letter on to the table. Celestia noted with pride that the table did not, in fact, spontaneously burst into flames, and mentally commended Twilight on her self-control.
"So?" asked Celestia, innocently sipping her tea. "Who's it from? What has this mysterious pony endeavored to write to you about?"
Twilight glowered at her former mentor for several seconds before replying in a voice that only quavered slightly. "It was from Chrysalis, and it was her informing me that she has kidnapped my fiancé, Rainbow Dash, and is holding her for ransom."
"Oh dear," said Celestia, calmly placing her tea cup on the table, "that doesn't sound good at all." Celestia then proceeded to weave yet another incredibly complex dual layered total barrier spell around the tea cup. Just in case. "So, what's the ransom demand?"
Twilight huffed. "She wants me to turn her into a princess."
At this, Celestia could no longer contain her mirth, and let out a very un-princess-like snerk before stuffing a hoof in her mouth and quietly giggling.
Twilight didn't seem to think it was funny. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" she said, further reinforcing the idea that she clearly did not approve of the copious amounts of funny going on at the table.
Celestia tried in vain to restrain her fits of laughter. "Ahahaha, oh my, I'm terribly sorry, Twilight, but Chrysalis has always been prone to these kinds of... episodes."
Twilight wasn't listening. "I can't believe this! The nerve of that wretched changeling queen to kidnap my Rainbow Dash! Doesn't she know who I am? Doesn't she realize who she's dealing with? Did that stupid mule not learn her lesson the first time? Don't. Screw. With. Romance."
Celestia nodded. "An astute observation, Twilight. Love is, indeed, a powerful force of—"
Whatever wisdom Celestia had been attempting to impart on Twilight was lost in the subsequent massive explosion that obliterated half the dining room and sent flaming bits of tea table flying off at supersonic speeds. Twilight had launched herself into the air in a truly reckless manner, and had accelerated so fast she'd triggered her own sonic TwiBoom a mere 10 meters off the ground.
A slightly singed Celestia sat in the center of the destruction, still holding on to her teacup and tea kettle, the only two items in a hundred foot radius that had survived unscathed. The solar diarch poured herself another cup of tea, and looked up through the new hole in her ceiling.
Celestia considered going after Twilight and trying to explain that a Class 5 magical detonation was not going to solve her problems, but considering that it was Chrysalis on the receiving end, she decided that it would be much more entertaining for her to simply sit back and enjoy the show. At least, until she realized that Twilight could very well accidentally wreck the entire changeling civilization. Unfortunately, Twilight was already long gone, and given her new alicorn magic, was now likely unstoppable.
Oh well, at least I saved the tea, thought Celestia, as she took another sip from her tea cup.
Far away, in a secret changeling hive buried beneath the earth, an unearthly cackle echoed from the Black Throne.
"Bwahahahahaha!"
Disguised by a forest, under ten different ancient illusion enchantments, and a magical cloaking crystal, the changeling hive was truly a masterpiece of deception, and one that had escaped detection for over a thousand years. Unfortunately, it had also been discovered two weeks after the Canterlot wedding, because you can't hide where your home is after failing to invade the capital of Equestria. Especially when Equestria has Twilight Sparkle on its side.
"Yeeaaahahahahahaha!"
Rainbow Dash winced at yet another stream of cackling laughter forced its way out of Chrysalis' repulsive vocal chords. "Is there a reason you're possessed by uncontrollable laughter?" she deadpanned.
Chrysalis snerked. "Of course, my little captive. I am simply delighted that my plan has gone so flawlessly. Soon, Twilight Sparkle will seek you out, and I can exact my revenge! Soon, she will bow to my demands!"
A groan emanated from inside a small cage that glowed with an unnatural green hue. A blue pegasus sat inside it, shackled to various locks with chains that were themselves chained to locks, which were locked with more locks, and then enchanted with an anti-lockpicking spell (and made invisible just for the heck of it). "You idiot! Twilight is a princess! She'll destroy you when she finds out what you've done!"
Chrysalis cackled. "Ah, but my dear Rainbow Dash, that's all part of the plan!"
Rainbow Dash tilted her head in confusion. "Twilight destroying you is part of your plan?"
"I—er, wait a minute," Chrysalis frowned. "No, I mean, uh, never mind! My point is that I plan on her attempt to usurp the throne!"
One of Rainbow Dash's hooves stamped on the steel floor of her prison. "She isn't going to 'usurp' anything, you crazy old hag! She's going to banish you!"
"Nonsense!" said Chrysalis, "Everypony tries to usurp the throne." She stretched out on her royal throne made of black, solidified changeling spit. "Just look at me, who wouldn't want this?"
A gagging noise worked its way out of Rainbow Dash's throat, but Chrysalis didn't seem to notice.
"She will try to usurp the throne," Chrysalis continued, "and I will offer her an irresistible offer. My throne, if she turns me into a princess!"
Whatever sense Rainbow Dash had managed to scry from Chrysalis' mad rantings was instantly obliterated. "...WHAT?!"
A disturbingly dreamy look overtook the ancient changeling queen. "I shall be the prettiest princess to walk Equus! Millions will melt before my adorableness as I happily stride through the land, spreading friendship and love and—"
"But you're a queen!" protested Rainbow Dash, "You already have wings and a horn! What could making you a princess possibly change?!"
To her credit, Chrysalis looked genuinely confused. "You mean, becoming a princess doesn't automatically make you cute and adorable?"
Before Rainbow Dash could perform the world's most epic facehoof, the world turned white.
Five minutes earlier...
Twilight Sparkle was mad.
Perhaps 'mad' wasn't the best word for it. She was incensed! She was livid! She was furious! She was enraged! She was positively boiling with anger! She had been wronged, and she would exact her vengeance upon her transgressor!
She was so mad she hadn't yet noticed that she was setting the air on fire behind her. As she pummeled mercilessly through several hapless clouds, she also set them on fire. The nearby pegasi were very confused.
Lightning crackled across her horn as she readied an absurdly powerful seeking spell. Given how dumb Chrysalis had been so far, she was pretty sure she knew where Rainbow Dash was. But, she just wanted to be sure. Because Princess Twilight Sparkle always did her homework. With a loud bang, a formless sphere erupted from the blazing purple dot in the sky, and rocketed across the entire continent of Equestria. In a matter of seconds, the spell had pinpointed Rainbow Dash precisely where Twilight thought she would be—inside the changeling hive.
"I've got you now, you ill-begotten queen," she seethed, a streak of purple stars trailing behind her.
Twilight arrived at her destination, and the sky was filled with ominous clouds swirling above her. Excessive amounts of lightning danced across her lithe body as she focused her magic, and bent the fabric of the universe to her will. Her eyes glowed with eldritch power, and a massive runic sigil began tracing itself behind her.
"Ҍәҥ Ӽԑἣ Ԅѳҥ ѳҌὗἣ!"
The heavens split open, and Twilight was bathed in sunlight, as reality itself began to warp and bend around her. Letting out a cry of rage, the Princess of Magic herself plummeted towards the earth, angry purple energy trailing behind her, spontaneously opening microscopic portals to other dimensions. A blindingly bright falling star struck the ground with such force, the explosion could be heard from Cloudsdale. The blast was so great that it shifted Equus' orbit around the sun by four inches. 3000 years later, this error would throw off a pony's clock by two seconds, causing him to just miss his train, preventing him from meeting his soulmate, and triggering his slow descent into madness. An unfortunate, but necessary sacrifice.
The angry alicorn sliced through layers of solid rock like it was low-fat margarine on a hot day, and the earth bled molten lava behind her. A beam of light roared through the changeling hive and finally tore a gaping wound in the ceiling of the Black Throne. She impacted the ground with a magical burst that flung every changeling in the room against the wall, and left a charred crater ten yards wide in the once pristine floor of Chrysalis' Royal Court. Of course, most of the floor was black anyway, so nopony really could've noticed.
The smoke hadn't even cleared before Rainbow Dash was freed from her chains, and the chains on her locks, and the locks on her chains on her locks, and the locks on her locks, and the invisibility spell on the locks, and the cage, and the anti-rescue spell on the cage. Twilight also defused the bomb rigged to the door, the arrow shafts embedded in the wall, the trap door leading to a massive dragon cave below them, and also defeated the massive dragon in said cave, just for good measure. She then cured Rainbow Dash of her cold, her sore hooves, and discovered a cure for cancer, before teleporting her away to safety.
Twilight, glowing white hot with magical energy, stood before Chrysalis and her black throne. "What do you have to say for yourself, Monster?!" she called out.
A grimace worked its way across Chrysalis' face. "I was hoping that would've taken longer."
With a pop, Rainbow Dash found herself falling face first into a very, very soft bed. "Hunawahuh?" she mumbled, fishing her head out of the blanket.
Except it wasn't just a blanket. It was a blanket that was covered in roses. Looking around, Rainbow Dash quickly realized the entire room had been covered in soft, velvety rose petals, and was lit entirely by candlelight. Soft music was playing somewhere behind the door, and the whole place had been perfectly organized and decorated for what seemed like a very expensive date. Twilight had probably teleported her into a fancy hotel room. Probably. Rainbow Dash wasn't sure why her fiancé had teleported her into a hotel room instead of, say, her bedroom, but hey, whatever.
Then again, something seemed... familiar. Is this Twilight's bedroom? Rainbow Dash wondered. She glanced down beneath her, using her hoof to sweep away some of the rose petals, and saw a familiar purple blanket with a star in the middle.
"...Kinky."
Princess Twilight Sparkle stood at the foot of Chrysalis' throne, glowering at the malevolent changeling queen. "So? Are you here to beg for forgiveness after I swept aside all your defenses in a matter of seconds? Are you here to cower before the unfathomable power of Equestria? Or are you simply going to run away, with your tail between your legs, like the treacherous foal you are?!"
Chrysalis sneezed. "Sorry, I'm allergic to Mary Sues."
"Mary Whatsits?" Twilight asked, frowning.
"I, just..." Chrysalis dragged a hoof down her face and groaned. "Never mind. No I'm not here to run away, I'm here to give you an offer!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"Well," Chrysalis leaned back in her throne and sighed, "I was going to, anyway, but you just teleported my offer away. I was going to free Rainbow Dash in exchange for you turning me into a princess."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that out from the not-so-subtle letter you sent me." Twilight angrily pawed at the ground with one of her gold-adorned hooves.
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?!" asked Chrysalis, throwing her hooves up in the air. "I have nothing to blackmail you with! I'll never become a princess!"
Twilight's jaw dropped, and one of her eyelids twitched. "WHAT?! Why would anypony be made a princess through blackmail?! You become a princess after demonstrating leadership and being capable of handling power with responsibility!"
Chrysalis frowned. "You mean, you didn't force Princess Celestia to turn you into a princess by concocting a contrived gambit that forced her to choose between losing something dear to her or turning you into a princess?"
"I—wha—NO! Why would I do that?! I earned my princesshood!"
"Oh, bother, don't tell me this is the Canterlot wedding all over again."
Raising an eyebrow, Twilight sat down on her rump as her curiosity momentarily overcame her bloodlust. "What do you mean, all over again?" she asked.
Chrysalis mumbled something incomprehensible. "Well, you see, I thought the best way to make friends was to invade a high profile wedding and threaten the populace with death and destruction! It wasn't until after your brother and that annoying pink one knocked me out of Canterlot with an incredibly painful love-splosion that I learned that crashing a wedding is not, in fact, proper diplomacy."
An ill-defined, high-pitched whine worked it's way out of Twilight's throat. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...?!"
"So, I guess I wasn't supposed to kidnap Rainbow Dash and blackmail you into turning me into a princess, but I have another offer!" Chrysalis motioned towards the throne she sat on with a hoof. "If you turn me into a princess, I will give you... my throne!"
Twilight blanched. "What?!"
"Oh, but where are my manners! I haven't even introduced myself properly. QUINCY! Get over here!"
A small changeling stumbled forwards, with what seemed to be the changeling equivalent of terror written across his face. He had barely found his footing when the Queen started ranting. "QUINCY YOU DEPLORABLE FAILURE OF A CHANGELING, HOW COULD YOU FAIL ME SO COMPLETELY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"
"Wh—"
Unfortunately, Chrysalis apparently wasn't interested in what he actually had to say for himself. "ENOUGH! I don't want excuses, I WANT RESULTS!" Chrysalis emphasized the last word by flinging Quincy against a nearby wall with a loud thud, and the poor changeling fell to the ground, moaning in pain.
Princess Twilight Sparkle stood with her mouth agape. "What in Equestria was that all about?!"
"Isn't it customary to greet a foreign dignitary by angrily punishing one of your messengers in rage for no apparent reason?"
Twilight blinked. Then, deep inside her rather impressive brain, it all clicked. Chrysalis wasn't evil, she was just completely insane. In fact, perhaps the changelings did not have a hive mind at all, and instead obeyed their psychotic queen's every absurd request out of fear of retaliation. Perhaps the changelings weren't actually evil minions, but instead just creatures that were subject to an incredibly powerful despot who had completely lost her marbles.
Meanwhile, Chrysalis had apparently broken into a fit of giggling for no reason. Twilight looked up through the shaft she had bored through the earth, still seeping molten rock, into the blue sky above. Suddenly, it came to her. She could fix this. She could fix everything.
"Chrysalis," began Twilight, and the changeling queen quickly stifled her snickering. "As a royal Princess of Equestria, I find you guilty of being a crazy nutcase who is a danger to everypony around her. For your crimes, I hereby banish you... TO THE MOON!"
"WHAT?!" shouted Chrysalis, before a beam of unearthly light began to surround her. "No, wait, I can explain! This is all just a misunderstanding!"
Her pleas fell on deaf ears, as Twilight lowered her head, and her horn glowed with magical power. She didn't have the Elements of Harmony with her, so she was going to have to improvise.
"You can't do this! You're not Celestia! You don't even have the Elements of Harmony! THIS CANNOT BE! I AM INVINCI—"
For Twilight, improvising meant simply launching Chrysalis upwards in the general direction of the moon at three times the escape velocity of Equus, while surrounding her in a protective bubble so she wouldn't get torn apart. The resulting explosion decimated the queen's throne and carved yet another giant hole through the earth and into the sky.
"—AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!"
As Chrysalis turned into nothing more than a black speck above the clouds, Twilight realized she had forgotten to account for variations in the gravitational field of Equus in her orbital mechanics, and that Chrysalis would likely miss the moon by several miles.
Oh well, that wasn't important.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, saviour of the changelings, held her head high as she marched down what remained of Chrysalis' throne. Having vanquished the crazy changeling queen, the changelings would now be free to live their fully autonomous lives in peace and harmony with the rest of—
Wait a minute, the changelings weren't moving. Actually, they seemed to have fallen over. Actually, no, they seemed to have fallen asleep. Apparently they didn't actually have free will, and were, in fact, part of a hive mind, and banishing their only queen to the moon had just rendered each and every one of them unconscious.
Twilight blinked.
"Oops."
Author's Note
RAINBOW DASH APPROVES OF THIS STORY
Pre-readers: Voidchicken, devdack
