"Have you got everything?" I called back to the servant carrying my three suitcases of varying sizes and weights. I'd cast a Feather Light spell on them beforehand - the previous servant had broken his back, and I quite liked this one - but he still looked to be having trouble.
"Y-yes, Prince Blueblood." The young stallion gasped. We headed out to the castle gates, where Aunt Celestia and Cadance were whispering. I leaned just a little closer to them.
"Oh, Blueblood's going to pitch a fit!" Cadance whisper-shouted.
"Keep your voice down!" Celestia whisper-shouted back. "And don't tell him."
"Don't tell me what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing!" The two mares said in unison. Okay then.
"Well, I'm ready to go." I gestured to the pony carrying my luggage. He nodded and did his best to bow.
"Finally." Cadance muttered under her breath before putting on her trademark cheery smile. "Then I guess we're off. See you, Auntie!" She called as we headed down the cobblestone path that led down to Canterlot proper.
"Have fun!" Celestia called, waving. I could tell without looking back she was smirking.
We trudged off to the train station. Dear old Cadance had tried to cheer me up for the first few minutes, but gave up after five mean looks of varying intensities.
We were off to Appleoosa, aka Nowheresville, on a "vacation". Auntie's orders. For a full month. I love her, really, I do, but sometimes I could strangle her.
A cluster of houses. In the desert. I've seen pictures. That's what Appleoosa consisted of. Hardly a vacation spot. This was a punishment more than anything. I've said it once, I'll say it again: That Elusive or whatever her name was had it coming.
"We're here!" Cadance chirped. We got our tickets punched by the guard, then went onto the platform to wait for our train. She was far too cheerful for her own good. Being in love does that to you, I guess. I've met Shining Armor, he's a nice enough pony. He didn't like me much, though. Can't imagine why.
It didn't take long for the pastry-colored train to show up. I imagine Appleoosa isn't a very popular destination. We got on the train and off to the first class car. I am going to savor civilization for the hour and a half we're on the train to this dinky patch of desert. Civilization and my saucy magazines. And root beer. The three things I live for. Appleoosa most likely doesn't even have root beer. Filthy casuals.
After about a half hour of nothing but the turning of magazine pages breaking the silence, Cadance spoke up. "Bluey, it wouldn't kill you to take a little time off, live among the peasants for a while."
"Cadance, this town we're going to is in the middle of nowhere. Most likely no decent drinks other than maybe some cheap watered-down excuse for cider that tastes like Diamond Dog piss - I should know, I've resorted to cheap swill before -, no proper bathrooms, not even one bed that isn't a mattress with a blanket if we're lucky. How am I supposed to live in a place where civilization isn't even part of their vocabularies?" I retorted, going back to my magazine.
Cadance refused to leave me alone, wearing a suggestive little smile I only saw when she was playing matchmaker. "Maybe you'll find somepony special there, somepony more than a one-night stand." I refused to answer.
The rest of the train ride was spent in silence. Off the train, and go figure, a town full of casuals. The train station and the buildings nearby looked alright HOLY HORSEAPPLES TOO CLOSE.
"Hey there!" A pale gold earth pony in a cowpony hat and brown vest was all up in my face, green eyes lit up like a foal's on Hearth's Warming. "Welcome to-" he reared into the air, waving his front legs, "AAAAPPLEOOSA!"
Be a little more energetic, would you? I opened my mouth to introduce us, but Cadance cut me off. "Hello, my name is Princess Cadance, and this is Prince Blueblood." She nudged me, and I nodded.
He bowed deeply, his hat nearly falling off in the process. Least he knows a thing or two about respect. "Ah'm Braeburn. Braeburn Apple."
Apple. I've heard that name around. They supposedly make good cider. Maybe the alcohol here isn't complete Diamond Dog piss.
The minute Cadance nodded for him to get up he sprang up like he had springs for hooves. "So would ya like to - ahem..." He composed himself before leaping back into our faces. "Would it please your majesties for me to show ya the sights?" He gestured around.
"That would be lovely, and there's no need to act all stuffy and formal. I can't speak for both of us, but I get enough of that in Canterlot." Cadance laughed. While she was telling him why we were there, I eyed his flanks. Toned, no doubt from whatever country ponies do, run or something, with a red apple stamped on each one. Quite a nice specimen. Yes, I'm into males, what's it to ya?
"Great!" All formality vanished as he shoved us along, excitedly telling us that they'd built the town in only a year. No wonder it was so dinky. And apparently a little group of ponies had nothing better to do than draw the carriages. Horse-drawn horse-drawn carriages. Um...what.
"And over here's the local watering hole!" He shoved us over to a building that looked no different from the others except it had a sign with a salt shaker over the door. "The Salt Block."
The guy that got kicked out wasn't nearly as drunk as some of the ponies I've seen at home. The bartender hasn't seen anything yet.
"And over here is the office of Sheriff Silverstar!"
So they do have police. Horseapples. More flank-shoving (I certainly wasn't complaining) and we learned that there were separate dancing grounds for hard partying and soft partying. Partying hierarchies!
"And here's the most wonderful sight in all of -" He reared on his hind legs again, "-AAAPPLEOOSA! Our apple orchard." The orchard was nestled in a little bowl of reddish rock, and planted on what looked like the only farmland in the area on the outskirts of town.
"You're gonna be well acquainted with it by the time you leave." He winked.
Though small, it was well-kept, and the apples looked tasty. Canterlot apples had a weird taste; like they were sweetened with that artificial dreck. I was curious as to how Appleoosa apples tasted.
Wait. What was that last sentence?
"What do you mean, 'well acquainted with it'?" I said, a dangerous edge in my tone. I turned to Cadance, who was trying to hide her giggles. "Do you know anything about this?!"
"Auntie Celestia said that we were going to work here during our visit, and she told me not to tell you, because she knew you would pitch a fit." She dissolved into laughter at this point.
"You mean you didn't know?" Braeburn looked like he was stifling laughter at this point as well.
I heaved a sigh. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Expected to do work. With an infuriatingly sexy young stallion as my boss. And it's hot as Tartarus here.
Yay.
Author's Note
This is in no way related to the song by Keith Urban of the same name with no comma.
