Braeburn, P.I.

by Space Pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Braeburn, Lyra, Comedy
Length: 1706

If there are two things I can trust in this world, it's my gut, and my beautiful golden mane.

It seems a mare has turned up missing, only she hasn't turned up, and that's why she's missing. She won't be missing for long though, because I am going to find her. I am... Braeburn.

Published 2014-06-08 19:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-08 19:20:04 UTC

I'm Braeburn

I think it was half past two on a Tuesday... no, make that a Wednesday. It was half past two on a Wednesday when that minty green mare walked into my office and into my life, and regretted it ever since. The look in her eyes said I need a friend, but the words coming out of her mouth said, "My girlfriend didn't come home last night, I think she's been kidnapped".

"Now hold on an apple-picking minute", I tipped my stetson up to get a better view of her. "Hav'n you told the police?"

"I did" she replied. "But it's too early for them to call this a missing pony's case, and you came highly recommended".

I stood up from my desk, seeing what she was getting at, and I turned to the face the window. It wasn't that I was interested in looking out the window, in fact I hate my view, but I needed to pause for dramatic effect. I needed to... look epic.

"I'll take the case" I told her.

"Oh thank you so much, you're a lifesaver!"

"I'm just doing my job miss. And by the way, my job ain't cheap, if you know what I mean."

She did know what I mean, and to prove it she tossed a bushel of apples down before my hooves. I took the nearest apple and stabbed it with my trusty combat knife, a memento from the war. I did this partly for the dramatic effect, and partly so that I could taste the sweet juices of... a braeburn. It was only too fitting because I am... Detective Braeburn, P.I., and I use... way too many... pauses... for dramatic... effect.

"This is premium produce you brought me ma'am. So tell me, when did you last see your mare?"

"It was, um, yesterday morning an-"

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Continue."

"It was yesterday morning at breakfast, just before work."

"Where does she work?" I inquired, taking a bite of my apple.

"She works for the muffin mare."

"The muffin mare?"

"The muffin mare. Do you know the muffin mare?"

"No... I don't."

"Well, this is her address", I took the slip of paper and tucked it beneath my stetson, snugly secured by my illustrious golden locks of a mane. Before I go visit this... 'muffin mare', I should probably listen to the rest of this filly's story. Or nah. I turned to leave.

"Wait, shouldn't you hear the rest of my story?"

"Nah". Then I left, but not before catching her remark that time was of the essence.

It was midnight when I reached to home of the muffin mare. I know I left my office just after two in the afternoon, and the muffin mare lived only a few blocks from my office, but I chose to take the scenic route. It would be more dramatic that way.

I knocked three times on her door. Three is, of course... the most dramatic number. Like I said, I knocked thrice and yet nopony answered my call. Highly suspicious, if you ask me, to leave one's home vacant in the darkest hour of the evening. Incredibly... shady.

I knocked three more times, to be certain that she simply did not hear me. No reply. I knocked twice, just in case she had she was prejudiced against the number three. I then knocked four times, then eight, then twenty-seven, and then once. Nothing.

Detecting with my detective skills that the missing pony's employer was absent from her residence, I sought to investigate her home and by way of liberating her rear door of it's hinges.

Sneaking around to the back garden, as detectives are oft to do, who do I encounter but my client, that minty mare who provides excellent apples.

I inquired as to what brought her to this location, and she informed me that I was a shoddy detective. A shoddy detective! Why, the nerve of that pony, she don't even know me!

"The sun's been down for ages now, I said time was of the essence!"

"Yeah, but I waited 'till night, because that would... look cooler."

"To think tha-"

I cut her off; she was disturbing my concentration. Then I informed her to stand back, that I may pick the lock to the muffin mare's establishment. She sighed in disgust, the first sign of falling for me. I decided to curb that behavior immediately.

Two slaps to the face, a front and a back, did the job.

"Snap out of it miss! We're here to find your lover, not fall in love... er... with me!"

"OW! What are you talking about!?"

"I've read all the crime novels and I know all the signs. It was that look in your eyes, that look of pure... infatuation... in those... minty green eyes."

"What!?"

"It seems twice was not enough. Allow me to help", I raised my hoof and swung once more to rescue her from entrancement, but she caught me this time."

"Right." I said. "Missing pony first, love triangle second."

"Just pick the lock."

I obliged, and soon we found inside the home of the last know associate of our missing pony. We looked to the left, a stack of shipping packages. We looked to the right, a tray of muffins. We looked directly in front of us, a little wall-eyed filly clutching a blanket.

"ASSASSIN!" I shouted. "Companion, quick! Let's do away with her before she does away with us!"

I procured a trusty poison apple from my stetson and prepared to call it into service, but was hindered by my client.

"No!" she said. "She's just a filly."

"Yes" I replied. "But give her a few years on the streets and she'll be a stone cold killer."

"She doesn't live on the streets!"

"Then why is she here to kill us?"

"She's not you idiot!", the mare gestured to some portraits of the filly on the wall.

"Great Celestia, you're right! It seems the muffin mare has been stalking her for quite some time now." I turned to the unfortunate girl. "Come with us, we'll take you to a safe place."

"No!" she replied. "You're hear to take me away like you took my mom and miss Bon Bon!"

What? I turned to my client. "Who's Bon Bon?"

"The pony that you're looking for!"

"Really?"

She slapped a hoof to her face, I think it was itchy or something. Then she turned to address the former assassin.

"Dinky, who took them?" she inquired.

"Him!" she pointed behind us.

We turned in unison and gasp! it was a pony I'd never met before. I can only assume he'd met me before, because he bucked me in the face. Then he hit me again, and again, and once more, and then he BIT me! The guy bit me. A few slaps to the face later, and I was unconscious.

I awoke in darkness. I could tell it was darkness, because there was no light. My hooves were bound. Something cold and hard pressed against my face. I think it was the floor. Upon further consideration, yeah, it was the floor.

Suddenly light. Floodlight, harsh, bright, painful.

"Welcome, Detective, to your doom!", it was the pony who had bashed in my face previously.

To my left, my client. To my right. two ponies I had never seen before.

"You'll never get away with this!" screamed the beige one.

"Oh, but I already have", he twisted his mustache, and pulled a lever. "Mwahahaha!"

"Who are you!?" I demanded.

"Me? You don't know me?"

"No."

"My bad", he returned the lever to it's previous position and apologized again. "You're free to go."

He untied me, and I thanked him.

"Gum?", he offered some candy.

"Why, thank you."

Such a nice pony. No idea why he had me bound, I'm sure it was all a big misunderstanding.

I turned to my client and her companions on the ground. "Let's go, huh?"

"Are you blind!" she screamed. "This is the guy who took her! Arrest him or something!"

"Are you sure?" I inquired. "He gave me gum. Kidnappers don't give you candy."

She screamed that kidnappers do indeed give one candy. I sighed, and turned to meet the nice pony. "I'm sorry, but it looks like you're under arrest."

"No I'm not."

"I turned to face my client. "He's says he's not. What should I do?"

"ARREST HIM!"

I sighed once more, and procured a pair of hoofcufs from my stetson. Just as I moved to bind the stallion in before me, he bucked me in the face... again.

"He keeps hitting me, what am I supposed to do?"

"Hit him back!"

"If you say so." In order to end this as quickly as possible, I once more equipped my trusty combat knife. slap! Nope. Seems I've dropped it. blam! I think my vision is fading out. pow! I can't straight think anymore. pick up! Now there's a blade being pressed to my cheek.

"I set you free Detective, and this is how you repay me?"

"Yes."

"Fool!"

"That's beside the point."

"Not at all. Now you die!"

I flinched, the mares covered their eyes. Suspenseful music welled up in the background as time itself seemed to slow. I think the universe was waiting for something... anything... Crash! A stained glass window that was there the whole time suddenly shattered into pieces. In rode Daring Do, atop a gilded motorcycle. She gracefully backflipped from her mount and swung her stylish fedora towards the sinister stallion with the knife at my face.

The hat hit it's mark, and the kidnapper was down for the count.

"Daring!" I called. "I appreciate the help, but what are you doing here?"

"Us fancy hat wearers gotta stick together, am I right?"

And she was right, and we all laughed.

Author's Note

I advise against listening to rap music as you write. It only clouds your judgement and makes it more difficult to write. For shame.

This story earned me the Pony Wordsmith Lvl 1 achievement on EQD. But I've got some way more intense stuff in the works that'll earn me at least 7 achievements at once.